Perception vs. Truth

One of the things on my mind lately is the tension that exists between our perception and Truth. Our eyes see things, our brain interprets what it sees, our emotions respond, and our actions spill out in response. Truth, on the other hand, is a "fact or belief accepted as truth" and in some circles, Truth doesn't exist. For the Christian, it does and it should be sought after in ever perceived situation.

For most of my life, there's been this constant battle of my perception of something said, a situation that happened, or another person's perception verses the truth of the situation. One of these most difficult situations was sexual abuse that I went through as a kid for 5 years at the expense of a family member. For me, the Truth was it happened for a very long time. My perception of the situation as a young child led to my fear of being in trouble. In fact, a year after it started I found out what was going on was actually wrong. All I knew as a little 11 year old was that this was wrong and bad. My perception of that response led me to great fear. I had to hide it for the sake of being in trouble for something that was so wrong and bad they did a skit about it in school, and hid it I did. Years later, it came out due to a friend's mom reporting it to the county as any mandated reporter should upon hearing this type of news. For my extended family members who eventually found out, I was not believed. There was a lot of shock behind what they found out and a lot of disbelief. Their perception was that they saw nothing, experienced nothing themselves, and so their Truth was I was lying. The funny thing is, the Truth existed whether I was even able to perceive it myself. For nearly two years, I thought it was normal and completely okay. My Truth was even not Truth until I found out the facts and realized that what I believed was not truth and should not have been accepted as such. Man, how confusing it is to explain now. It is no wonder the 10th grader dealing with it was nothing but confused at the time.

Another situation was dealing with Major Depressive Disorder & Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in college. My perceptions at the time were so far from the Truth of the situation because I was having flashbacks to the above abuse every single day, sometimes even 10 times or more each day. I was constantly having to battle this overwhelming feeling that life was pointless and worthless, even my body didn't want to move or get out of bed. The pointless, worthless life combined with visions of horrible situations I was sure I had put behind me, but would not stop replaying. They'd show up at a glance of a plaid shirt, a smell of Old Spice, or sometimes even a simple sentence. My perceptions were not Truth and I knew it, but I didn't know what to do at first. Years of counseling later, I no longer have PTSD or MDD, although you never are really "cured" from them. They just go dormant and can resurface later on in life.

I will say that I feel like there's a lifestyle that comes with depression that is hard to overcome and, for me, it has sometimes been harder to overcome the lifestyle than the depression itself. The lifestyle is a bent towards apathy and a lack of initiative. An example could be found in any area of life, but a very common one is self-care. MDD makes it impossible some days to care for yourself, let alone function well. Bathing takes as much effort as bench pressing 1000 pounds some days. Brushing your teeth may be the very last thought in your mind when you first wake up simply because your brain is overthinking everything and never shuts off. Caring at all about what you wear, or how your hair looks can also be a very apathetic thing. When the cycle of MDD is over, the lifestyle often remains though. Suddenly, a bunch of bad habits that developed due to this mental illness exist and you have to constantly fight back into a healthier way of living. Life becomes worthwhile enough that you can fight through any ounce of apathy and muster the ability to self-care and experience how good it feels to brush your teeth, take a shower, and wear clean clothes. Your Truth suddenly changes into a fact: you are worthy and life is beautiful.

All too often we get hung up on what others may perceive about us and what the Truth is. I know this is human nature, none of us want to be perceived negatively. We also don't want to admit we have characteristics about us that others may not like. For the past month, I have gone on about 6 interviews. Every single person asked me, "What are your top three weaknesses and strengths?" Who doesn't hear that and try to put a positive spin on the negative?! I mean, what would happen if we honestly said something like, "One of my weaknesses is the tendency to back-stab my coworkers if I think they're better than me?" Of course none of us would be brutally honest like that in an interview! Don't we need to be brutally honest like that to ourselves though? Is it so bad to take the time and process the root of the situation that is causing you such a strong emotional response? Here's one example.

In college, while dealing with my PTSD and MDD, I was in and out of jobs. My boss at JoAnn Fabrics & Crafts rehired me for a third time due to college breaks and summer break that was policy as part-time folks couldn't go on vacations. We were filling out the paperwork and she asked me, "Emily, you're not as happy as you used to be. What's going on?" And for the sake of brutal honesty, I told her that I was in counseling for PTSD and MDD and had so much hurt, sadness, anger, and pain that it was hard to smile unless I was being paid to. She looked at me and said, "Well, if you have a bad day, call me and tell me that. I can take you off the schedule anytime. And if you're having a good day and not on the schedule, call me and I'll let you know if I need you." This was how I was able to work through that year of hard counseling. Gale was the best boss I have ever had because she was willing to hear me, understand, and work with me. She knew the Truth about me was that I'm fun, loving, bubbly, and committed to everything I do. PTSD and MDD robbed those qualities from me for a time, but Gale knew they were True to who I was. As a result, I had a purpose to wake up to and some sort of income to live on. Later on, in counseling I found out that the struggle with job retention was my fear of disapproval, inability to see myself as an equal person of equal value with others, and an inability to not connect conflict with hatred. There was several perceptions I have come to believe as fact that prevented me from seeing the Truth for many years.

Fast-forward to today. We have a potential candidate for President that has a history of treating women horribly. He even bragged about his violations of women, which was the equivalent of rape. And in one swoop says, "I'm sorry. I was wrong." And many are coming to his defense and criticizing those of us who are speaking out in outrage. Unfortunately, I know what happens when you're grabbed by your p---y" without your consent and the fact and Truth of the matter is this: No apology will make it better. For decades I fought to believe life was worth living because of someone doing what this potential president thinks is okay. And for years, many Christians said to me, "Just forgive and forget," or, "You need to forgive him and you'll be better." The thing is, forgiveness in Christ doesn't mean acceptance of a wrong. A person who is verbally abusive and finds every reason to defend their actions, is still verbally abusive. Their defense just adds to the sentence, "They are verbally abusive and think it is okay." The Truth is rape is wrong. Bragging about raping women is wrong. And statistically speaking, abusers in any form are unable to consistently stop this behavior, even if they'd want to. As long as we defend the abusers and excuse them, we are part of the problem. If the abusers seeking forgiveness was a proper response, the Catholic Church would not have had so many cases of sexual abuse over the years. We live in a culture that doesn't care about Truth, but each person's perception.

Perception often denies the Truth and that is something we all need to realize.

What am I doing?!

Do you ever have moments where you make a decision which you are very confident in, but later you scream inside, "What am I doing?!" I have been having several of those moments lately. While this Abraham Journey continues to be a journey and my path is lit by a tiny candle so I only see a few steps ahead of me, it can be unsettling to have these moments.

I started thinking again of Abraham's journey, in particular Genesis 22 where he was initially instructed to sacrifice Isaac as a test of his obedience to God. I have always found the story unsettling and morbid if I'm honest. It is one of those things I plan to chat it up with God in heaven while drinking Starbucks; both opportunities will be available to me in heaven I believe. I don't have to understand God's methods to get Abraham's attention, just like you don't have to understand God's methods to get my attention. Every post on this blog, for example, could sound just as crazy to you, but it is still my story and potentially something you could take away. In this story of Abe and Isaac, I wonder sometimes what Abe was thinking, what he was feeling, and what he was convinced of during the process leading up to the ram showing up. The History Channel's production of this story is interesting to me. It portrays Abe as being a firm, silent follower with moments of thinking of what his wife would say. Then, it shows Sarah finding out and the emotional response to it as well. Biblically, there's no evidence Sarah ever knew it happened so they took some creative rights there, but it does show us one thing: God will sometimes request of us to do things we ourselves would not normally be able to do, or choose to do apart from Him.

I am a prayer partner for a few missionaries who are spreading the love of God to muslims in a couple "closed" countries. One person is a single woman who gave up her single life here in America to share Jesus in a country and region that could land her in jail. I am confident that this decision didn't come from her core being, but was a process and a result of God directing her and remaining with her during the fruition of this decision. Another missionary I pray for is a family that is in a region and country of the world that is always in the news, has been recently a site of war involving the USA, and is still very much unsettled. I have heard the husband and wife share about their journey to decide to do this, even with their children being young and having more children while living in that region. They admitted saying, "What am I doing?!" and "What are we doing?!", but they always came back to the realization that God is both worth obeying and will provide support for the journey ahead.

There's many areas right now where I am at this place of "freak out" . . . that place of throwing my hands up and humanly saying, "What the hell am I doing, God?! You really want me to do this?!" I am finding it okay to be in this place and sit there a little bit because Jesus, in His own humanity, had a freak out moment too.  

"And taking with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee [James and John], He began to be grieved and greatly distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, so that I am almost dying of sorrow. Stay here and stay awake and keep watch with Me.” " (Matthew 26:37-38, AMP)  Not only did Jesus go to a secret, safe place of His to process His human feelings, but He also included His 3 closest friends. He brought them along and then opened up to them the magnitude of what He was feeling. I see the feelings of sadness, fear, pain, unsettled, anxiety, restlessness, heart ache, vulnerability, and being exposed. He was trying to rely on His friends for safety, protection, and comfort.  

"And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “So, you men could not stay awake and keep watch with Me for one hour?" " (Matthew 26:40, AMP)  Jesus goes away for a little bit and when He returns, the folks He reached out to were so comfortable that they feel asleep! This is something that is insightful because when we are in these "freak out" moments, others may think it's not a big deal, or see the magnitude of what's ahead. The disciples were certainly historically clueless to a lot of things and their full understanding didn't come until after Jesus' death and resurrection. This is important to realize because, as my earlier post spoke of, God's wired humans to have a certain connection with others. When we seek to rely upon others in our "freak out" moments, we may be poorly supported. The reason for poor support is just like the disciples poor support of Jesus. They didn't understand everything Jesus told them and if they did grasp a piece of it, they were often in denial and rationalized it away. Our friends cannot understand what God is doing in our lives when what is ahead of us is such a personal request from God of us, no matter how we describe it. The few that do understand a small portion may say, "Oh, I could never do that?!" Others may even think that it's offensive and morbid when they realize what you're being led to do. Why would that not happen in a relationship with God that is supposed to be deeply personal? How many romantic relationships do we see among our friends and family? When they make a decision to marry fast, never use birth control and have as many children as God gives them, or even to move a certain place . . . really any decisions we may not understand or choose ourselves . . . we often think, "WOW! That's CRAZY?!" Our relationship with God ought to be just a personal and, therefore, potentially just as misunderstood by others around us.

And then, Jesus says the best words I believe He ever uttered from His humanity:  "And after going a little farther, He fell face down and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible [that is, consistent with Your will], let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” " (Matthew 26:39, 42, 44, AMP) Jesus had to tell Himself this three times just to get it into His thick, human head so that it could penetrate His soft, human heart. When we have moments of "freak out" we need to do the same. I need to say right now, in my present situations, "God, I think this is crazy. I don't even know that I can do what You're asking. If there's another way, that would ROCK! Yet, I trust You and what You've laid before me. I will surrender to You and Your will and believe You will supply the strength and provisions needed for me to obey. I want Your will, not mine." Talk about the hardest sentence ever! Yet it is also the most beautiful. 

Here's to saying that over and over again.
 

Connection

"A connection is the energy that exists between two people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship." ~ Brene Brown ~

 One of the hardest parts of this move to Texas was uprooting just after finally having a great sense of connection at my previous church. I had only been living in the Twin Cities for three years before I got the push from God to Texas. I was active in an awesome Small Group that saw me off when I moved, encouraged me at my last small group, and many have kept in touch no matter the distance between us. I left it all to move to a town where the only people I knew, I met during a one week visit three months before.

To say the move here to Waco has been easy would be false. The process of getting here was a breeze. Me, my car, and the road; it was a beautiful three day adventure. In the short time I have been here I have moved twice, been a part of 6 small groups-4 of which disbanded suddenly, had things stolen from me by a roommate, and been flat out ignored and treated like I was invisible more times than I could count. Feeling a connection with anyone, or anything has been the hardest thing ever.

Lately, I have been feeling lonely. Now, let me say, just because I'm single doesn't mean my loneliness is for a guy or to be married. Actually, I'm content right now with that portion of my life. I realized recently it is a loneliness for a good girlfriend, which is surprising! I have always been a gal who had loads of guy friends and hung out with them easily. Girlfriends on the other hand were not as successful, or even healthy relationships and influences. To satisfy this craving, I did what every single Christian has been told to do when lonely: turn to God. The belief is, by turning to God and getting your needs met by Him first, you won't be lonely and life will be great. While I think it is important to get your needs met by God first, I am starting to realize that this isn't the complete prescription for loneliness. There's another prescription that needs to be combined to successfully cure loneliness: connection with others.

I am coming to this awakening that Jesus traveled in groups because He knew connection was vital, not only to His ministry, but to His well-being as a human. He always was well connected to God, but still felt forsaken by Him on the cross because the people closest to Him turned their backs on Him and had Him crucified. He had a large crowd following, but a small group He invested personal time with to disciple, grow, and take over His ministry, but He also had an even smaller posse of three dudes He loved like brothers and told everything to. He was connected so deeply and so fulfilled.

We talk about the need for a small group often in churches. We talk about how we need to live in community and be known, which I fully agree with. I am surprised that we never talk about connection and really being known by each other and seen, heard, and valued. I do not think Jesus' ministry would have amounted to much if there had not been a connection with those three friends of His. I don't think the human side of Him could have maintained it by Himself. It is one thing to be known over the surface and an entirely different thing to be known deeply.

This is the root of what I'm seeing as my struggle with loneliness. I'm glad to see it, but frustrated because there's a long list of reasons since I have moved her that it doesn't exist. There have been glimpses of it, but it changes rapidly and surprisingly at times. The hope for it to change will come in due time. Meanwhile, I am aware of the emptiness that remains.

Breathe In; Breathe Out.

Do not be anxious or worried about anything, 

but in everything [every circumstance and situation] 

by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, 

continue to make your [specific] requests known to God.  

And the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace] 

 which transcends all understanding, 

[that peace which] stands guard over your hearts

 and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours].  

~ Philippians 4:6-7 (AMP) ~

Life is hard to live. 

Let that revelation sink in for a moment. Have you ever felt the heaviness, weightiness life brings? Many people have not, which I will call them beyond blessed. For many others, you know exactly what I am saying. 

Years ago, as a kid, I remember believing my life was not worth living. I was a ninth grader and a vast majority who knew me in my tiny small town in Minnesota had no idea what I felt inside. A few decades later, I no longer deal with suicidal ideation or even significant amounts of depression, but life is still hard to live some days. 

In my present life, there's a lot going on and most of it is a story that is not mine to tell. Instead, it will be documented in my private journal to be read long after I'm gone by a family member I don't yet have; perhaps a daughter who becomes amazed at what all I really did in life that I never admitted to her. What is going on though is a constant reminder to me that life is as hard as it is worth living to the fullest.

Many people are fortunate to have someone believe in them and the person they could become. I remember being asked in high school, who my favorite teacher was. Mr. Cody is still my favorite teacher and he is now a principal in North Dakota of all places. The reason he remains my favorite teacher is because he believed in me and set me on the course of not giving up when life was hard to live. Who was that for you? Who would say you are that person for them? I believe everyone should have someone who believes in them, even if the cards are stacked against them--and believe me, for some, the cards are stacked like a skyscraper.

Right now, I'm heading into unfamiliar territory. I have not ever really filled this role before. I dreamt last night I was starring in a play for the very first time. It was opening night and I was so nervous, I couldn't eat supper. Here I was at a buffet table full of everything I loved and no ability to enjoy any of it. I woke up amused at how our brains process our life's happenings even while we're sleeping, seemingly dead to the world.

I was once in a small group for a period of time in my hometown in Minnesota. We were a hodge-podge of young adults who believed in Jesus and wanted to grow deeper. We had roots in Catholicism, Evangelical Covenant, Methodist, Non-Denominational, Lutheran, and a nice sprinkling of Evangelical Free as far as our denominational make-up went. Our meetings were as imperfect as they were impactful to my own spiritual journey. We studied this book that went through various spiritual disciplines; things like labyrinths, Bible reading plans, prayer, and other things. We took different turns leading these discussions. I recall one that really has helped me live life when it is so hard.

My friend, Logan, covered a section on prayer. One of the methods of prayer he shared was breathing Scripture. Taking a verse to meditate on and pray through and into your life, while also breathing purposefully. It sounds odd at first and is a bit awkward to do in a group, but once you master the technique in your private devotional time, it can be so freeing. It reminds me of learning to meditate or various breathing exercises I was taught in treatment to help refocus my mind. Instead of tapping into the modern new age movement, I tap into my Christian faith and use the Bible to give me a solid focus. Finding my "inner self" or my "zen" or even my "universe" does not sound as reliable to me as the Truth of God's Word.

Lately, I have spent some time practicing breathing Scripture with Philippians 4:6-7. And it goes something like this:

 

Do not **breathe in** 

be anxious or worried about anything, **breathe out**

but in everything  ** breathe in** 

[every circumstance and situation] **breathe out**

by prayer **breathe in** 

and petition **breathe out** 

with thanksgiving, **breathe in**

continue **breathe out** 

to make your [specific] requests known to God.  **breathe in**

And the peace of God**breathe out**

 [that peace which reassures the heart **breathe in**, 

that peace], which transcends all understanding, **breathe out**

[that peace which] stands guard over your hearts **breathe in**

 and your minds **breathe out** 

in Christ Jesus **breathe in**

 [is yours].  **breathe out**

It is so simple, yet so powerful. And it helps me know that this life is not up to me to master. This life is not up to me to conquer. And this life is not for me to figure out alone, in my head. And when life is the hardest, I don't have to have it all figured out. And, for the sake of deepest honesty, I don't have to have all my ducks in a row, shit together, or even be the master of adulting. I just need to live life one step at a time, breathing in and out slowly.

Guideposts, Confirmation, and Direction

I often wonder what the Bible doesn't tell us about Abraham's journey; the journey my life parallels. I wonder if the desert had signs of others having gone on a journey. The Oregon Trail was a similar journey and one that was critical in American history. There were always guideposts and markers along the way, the help people know they were still on the Oregon Trail. There were trading posts at critical distances that would be able to supply food, clothes, blankets, and repairs for the wagons. Some had medical doctors too. Often times while traveling, a couple of strong men from the traveling group (which was anywhere from 3-8 families or more) would go ahead on horseback and double check the trail and clear it for the wagons to pass through. It wasn't uncommon for trees to be down in the way, or any other hazards. In some cases, the men would move ahead several days and reach the posts to get food if the group was low and then leave the food along the trail. Abraham didn't have these luxuries. He went to "a land [God] will show [him]" and he packed up his family, animals, and possessions and traveled on his journey. He had no map, no guideposts, and no testimony of people who had traveled to this land before him. It was an unwritten journey, unique to Abe. Abe had to trust God for everything and to be everything he needed. God was his guideposts, his map, his trading post to provide needs for the journey, and his compass. My Abraham journey has been quite similar.

Right now a guidepost appeared the past three weeks in the form of 10 people, 6 of whom were complete strangers when I met them. Three of them I was prompted to share a word of encouragement from God to them. Each time the word from God was EXACTLY what was needed to encourage them to move forward. Each person told me, "What?! I don't even know you and what you said was something I have been questioning and wondering about! How did you know?! God really spoke to me!" Six of the people are desiring going to church together after being away for awhile, or struggle to go alone. Some are even interested in coming to life group with me, a few already have. This is a guidepost for me because it confirms to me that I need to be in Waco. It confirms to me that right now I am where I am supposed to be. I shared in a previous post how easy it can be to doubt that you're where you're supposed to be, or question if you heard God correctly and discerned appropriately what He was saying. Well, sharing words of encouragement with strangers will get you out of your comfort zone really fast. When they are blown away that a stranger they have never met has a word for them and the word is spot on, it is an encouragement for them and a confirmation for you; a confirmation that you do hear and discern the Lord CLEARLY! I needed this guidepost.

Direction in the future continues to be an important thing, especially since the lease for my apartment is up June 1st. While it is nine months away and a lot can happen between now and then, it is important to prepare for the next leg in the journey. My intention is to have Southwest Assemblies of God University in Waxahachie, TX be my next leg. Right now the timing is up in the air--next year is preferred. On/off campus? On campus/online? There's so many options and I'm trying hard to move forward in little steps of obedience so that God will continue to bring clarity.

" 'For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,'  says the Lord, 'plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call on Me and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear [your voice] and I will listen to you. Then, [with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital necessity] and [you will] find me when you search for Me with all your heart.' " ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13 [AMP] ~

August: The Silent-Blog Month

Well, I can't believe I didn't post anything in August, and very little in July. I came here so many times and nothing sounded right, or much more than me rambling.

August was a depression-filled month honestly. There was no reason, other than just general loneliness that creeps in once in awhile. I think it was also hard because I had 3 migraines in July, but 8 in August! Chronic Migraine is a hard thing to live with! It is also frustrating when I have gone months before July without very many migraines. The thought of going back on a medicine to reduce them is there, but I was hoping my brain was past that. I started realizing in August what was triggering them and that also added to the depression feelings. 

I finally found a life group that I feel a part of and connected to. In fact, I have found two. I go to one Sunday nights when my work schedule has allowed me to, which has been hit-or-miss this summer. My main one meets on Tuesday nights. This is the one with my discipleship group also. It has taken me forever to finally have a small group again. It took even longer to not feel like I was imposing on friends, or watching people who are incredibly close just interact. Gosh, I am so sick of being new in church environments!! Then, one day at church it happened: a migraine aura started.

At first, I just thought my eyes were tired. But when I shut them, it got worse really fast. My aura started with dots forming in my vision, very faintly. Then, when I shut my eyes and opened them, the dots started dancing. It didn't occur to me until the dots changed colors that I knew what the problem was: lighting during worship.

The church I first attended, took a brief break from, and returned to on Easter has a new building since May. It is amazing--it was built 100% debt-free in 4 years! I love it all. Except the lighting. They added state-of-the-art lighting that is equivalent to concert lighting. There is a reason ever since my car accident I have been no longer going to live concerts: lighting effects mess with my brain too much and increase my migraines. Here I was at church of all places getting a lighting-induced migraine!! 

I spent money on sunglasses and a hat. Then, wore them to church. I looked like I was hiding from the security team and off-duty police at church! I thought it would decrease my migraines, but it didn't have any affect. I finally had to make another decision: church vs migraines. Naturally, I decided to send out emails which to date I haven't even received an acknowledgement of, let alone a reply. 

I started brainstorming my options with the traumatic brain injury group I'm a part of on Facebook. One person said to hide in the nursing mothers room during worship, but that's way too far away and only accessible to people who have a child or volunteer in kid's ministry for security reasons. Another person suggested sitting in the foyer for the service, but the one day I tried that, people were too loud and destructing I couldn't hear the sermon, so I just left. Another said to just watch the sermon online, but then it would be like I don't go to the church at all and not have any sort of corporate worship, which I love and need. 

After lots of praying and migraines, I am trying hard to find a way to worship and go to church. I'm trying to not give up.

Another reason August was silent was God was working on me. There is a lot going on in my logos365 "goals" year, so much growth which is painful. Sometimes it is hard to know what to say here as a result. My Abraham Journey is still going on, but sometimes the desert is tough. Sometimes I found myself asking, "What the hell are you doing here in Texas of all places, Emily?!" (Just being honest!) I wonder if Abraham would have kept a journal as he traveled "to the land where God would show him" what would be in it? Or Sarah's journal? Did they have moments of wondering what on earth they were doing? No, not doubts, but moments of disbelief that they were really where they were and confusion on how they got there at the same time. 19 months ago, I knew the first stop on my Abraham journey was Waco, Texas. Now I know my next stop on my Abraham journey is Waxahachie, Texas and I still have no idea how I will land there, but I know God is faithful. 

Even in the silent month of August, I still wrote. My journal entries were multiple pages each day I'd write in it. I even wrote a couple poems. My Instagram posts were more raw and honest than they ever have been before. I think I needed the silent month here to reflect on what is ahead and what will soon be behind.

Sometimes silence brings more growth than words can bring understanding. 

Love

One thing I have been working on understanding is the Love from God, the Father heart of God, to me. It really is an amazing concept and I am convinced it will take my whole life on earth to just "kinda" understand it more. It certainly has made me think about love an awful lot.

Unconditional love is rather foreign to me. Simply put, I was raised with conditions to everything, either spoken or not, so I easily assumed love also came with conditions. I believed this so much, that I became a person who loved conditionally as well. In high school and early college years, my anger would show up and mean the person I was angry at was unloveable. I drove so many people away. I am ashamed to admit I prolly hurt  a lot of people in those years than any other time in my life to date. And then, I realized God's love is unconditional. 

When you finally understand God loves unconditionally, it changes you and how you love others. Suddenly, my anger became less of an automatic response. Overtime, I stopped carrying grudges because I was able to quickly and easily forgive. Eventually, it became easier to love people for their potential than be bitter at them for their present offenses against me. Gone was my contempt and instead, grace and mercy ran freely.

A few weeks ago, I got to gather with family and witness the wedding of one of my nephews. There we were, a blended hodge-podge, with four blended families present to celebrate on the grooms side. Something struck me later about how beautiful love is that it brings people together, even in the most difficult of circumstances. Yet, in the midst of all of it, I saw and felt consequences of a blended family as well. I grew up with mothers present that weren't mine, aunts present that weren't my sisters, and even drew my family hedge in second grade (my teacher thought I didn't understand the assignment of a family tree). I thought it was normal, so when I met friends in high school that had one set of parents and their own siblings, my mind was blown. I realized my normal was actually a dysfunction to some. In Family & Consumer Science class in high school, it was discussed amongst my peers and teacher why divorce is bad, you shouldn't marry someone from a divorced family, and how society is making something okay that for centuries was not a good thing. I will never forget the message that sent my mind: I am undesirable to have as a wife, daughter-in-law, or additional family member. What I wasn't told was how love restores.

You see, within my undesirable family dynamics are siblings I wouldn't have if love wasn't restored. I wouldn't have an entire generation of nieces and nephews of love hadn't been restored. I wouldn't exist if love was left in pieces. 

And lately, I am realizing love needs to be restored. I'm sick of the division in my country that says there's a side or race card to pick. I'm sick of assumptions getting attention before facts. I'm sick of a nation divided politically where no progress is made on anything. I'm sick of people refusing to love and, instead holding grudges. I'm sick of people choosing to disown family as a way of coping with offenses that are just too hard to face. I'm sick of people being ostriches and denying what is before them. All of this shows we lack love as a country.

People are complaining about "ALL LIVES MATTER" and saying those that say it miss the point of what is going on in my country. What if we loved because ALL lives matter; they all equally matter to God? What if we woke up and lived our lives by being loving to everyone? I know it is impossible, but if everyone tried everyday we would have a lot less issues. 

And I realized something else when my nephew got married a few weeks ago. 

Love is beautiful. When you see it, it takes your breath away and gives you butterflies. When you experience it, it overwhelms your soul. When you live it, it changes you.

So even though people are in my life that don't deserve it, I try to love them. I get rejected and even treated like I am dead to them, but I still try to love back. It hurts to choose to love because it is the hardest choice you could make. And this is what I realized.... America has a choice to make. Love or hate. If we keep choosing hate, we will destroy ourselves before any country has a chance to drop a nuclear bomb. In fact, hatred is a self-inflicted nuclear bomb. 

Reflection in the Mirror

When I stand in front of a mirror of any kind I struggle. I always have. I don't even own a mirror because of it. There's lots of reasons why. One of them is because I am face-to-face with myself. Today is one of those times I feel similarly.  My birthday is tomorrow and I turn 35. It is amazing to think that in 35 more years I will be 70. This thought hit me a couple weeks ago and it got me thinking and reflecting upon that image looking back at me in the mirror. I asked myself some questions that I want to share the answers to.

WHAT DO YOU WANT YOUR NEXT 35 YEARS TO LOOK LIKE?

This is an interesting thought because I normally don't think about my future. I have never really been a goal-setter or a dreamer. This question took me several days and in the end I came up with one simple word to fit everything: Love. I want my next 35 years to look like love. I want them to look like I love God. I want them took look like I love myself as a child of God. I hope they will look like I'm in romantic love, but it is not necessary. I long for them to look like I love children, whether or not I have my own. I want them to look like I love others as much as God does. I want them to look like I love my friends, with no strings attached. I want them to look like I love my family, whether they choose to love me back or not--I want to show them and teach them what unconditional love can be like.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAVE ACCOMPLISHED IN THE NEXT 35 YEARS?

This was another difficult question. It took a few days for me to really consider this. The first thing that came to mind is a conversation I had with God in November. My next step in life is to finish my college degree. Since November, God has clarified the path He wants me to take and it isn't a path that will be easy. I feel a pastoral calling, which has been there since I was a kid. No one else has really known it because I don't publish my sermons I write, but they're on my computer and my flash drive. This passion is also driven from discipling others over the years. I love guiding someone to a clearer understanding of what they believe, or spurring them on to a greater depth with Jesus. I have a huge heart for women, families, kids, and the deeply hurting. While this was not my first thought, God has certainly called it out in me over the past 3 years, along with roughly 15 people. So what I want to accomplish is pretty specific: a pastoral ministry position of some sort. Definitely not a senior pastoral role, but there's many other potential areas. In order for this to happen, college must be on the horizon. There's a couple in mind and I'm moving forward in the process at both to see what doors God opens or shuts. Right now it will be 2017 that I start, but not sure of the Spring or the Fall. God knows the details!

WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE 35 YEARS FROM NOW?

Man! The hardest question ever! I still am not 100% sure I have the answer for this, but I think I have a good start. I want to be someone known for her pursuit of Jesus before any other achievements. I would love to have loved ones fight over who gets my Bible when I'm gone! I want to be a woman who finally mastered her eating disorder and body image struggles and wrote a book all about it! I want to be someone who is joyful in the aging process, even if I have no clue who I am or where I am. I want to smile and laugh and make my caretakers want to be around me. I want to be thriving inspite of all the crap I went through in my life. In fact, I want people to be shocked when they hear pieces of what I have overcome because of how God has redeemed all the junk. 

These were hard questions, but necessary ones. This Abraham Journey I have been on has been very interesting and surprising!

I Saw Cement

A few days ago, I was leaving a friends house. It was really muggy and humid and I think the sudden change of climate shocked my system. A few seconds after leaving, I passed out going down the stairs outside her apartment. I came to seeing only cement! Thankfully I was with another friend and didn't land face first! I only have a huge bruise on my left shin!

It really got me thinking about times we fall and hit rock bottom. My first rock bottom was junior high when I thought dying was the best answer and had no desire to live. I attempted suicide three times in one week as a ninth grader. 

My other rock bottom was my sophomore year of college when my post-traumatic stress disorder took over and kept me from being able to continue in college. There was a dark four years where I had to fight to survive my past and step into a thriving life as an adult. It was not easy.

My last rock bottom was my second failed engagement. This guy was someone I thought I would truly love forever and who was as in love. In less than a month after we broke up, he started dating someone else. It was three years that I felt like were such a waste and left me so confused and hurt. It took a solid year to forgive him and let go. Now I have awakened into a reality of understanding God's love for me and the Father heart of God so much that I no longer crave a relationship with someone like I used to. Sure, I would love to be married, but I am so confident in God's love for me that it satisfies places no man ever could. I would love to be a wife and a mother, but I have a purpose as a single woman that I will never get back when those purposes do. 

This Abraham Journey has also had moments of bottom-dwelling. However, there has not been a single rock bottom experience because I continue to follow the Fatjer's will. When it has been hard and I have been tempted to run away, I have let God sustain me. When it has been terrifying and I start to question why I am here, I quickly think of all the good that has come from this journey. Sometimes I see cement, but most of the time I see blessings.

Laying my Isaac Down

This Abraham Journey has really been a crazy parallel to Abe's real story. Specifically, I have been thinking a lot about his desire to have a son and an heir, but for decades was unable to. Then, he was given a promise and prophesy from God that sounded too good to be true, even his wife laughed when she heard it. Then, against all odds it came to pass. Only to be followed some years later by a crazy request of God to sue the unthinkable: sacrifice the son. He and his boy go up and before it could happen, a beautiful, spotless lamb appears to be used instead. It was meant to be a testing of Abe's faith and obedience to God, something Abe needed to know about himself--that He was indeed faithful. It was also something Abe needed to know about God---He keeps His promises. And it was something the world needed to see--God  has provided a perfect lamb, once and for all: Jesus. It really is one of my favorite Old Testament stories. 

Here I am in Waco, Texas and I can see a parallel in a lot of ways. 

A few decades ago, a group of friends and I were at my apartment in Fairmont and we were talking about the Holy Spirit. We were a hodge-podge group made up of a former atheist, a former catholic, a Pentecostal, and a former Lutheran. We were studying the book of Acts and one of us asked about speaking in tongues. The conversation led to myself and another friend being prayed over and receiving the gift of tongues. We then started praying over each other and giving each other words of encouragement and prophesy. A friend, Corey, said to me: 

"Truth will mark you. You are a woman of Truth. You couldn't lie if your life depended on it and others hate that about you so much, and God smiles. You will carry that Truth to the world. Not as a career, but as a gift to others. When God says, 'Go,' be ready to give the gift of Truth to them."

Here I was last Tuesday night at Lifegroup listening to my Lifegroup leader's testimony and I remembered that word from my friend. It was a word I had forgotten about that was given to me in 2007.

Later, in 2008, I was given the opportunity to go on a mission trip to Mexico. I was excited and expecting a lot of amazing things to happen, but my passport application was never received and I was unable to go. I cried about it, but in my tears God said, "I love your willingness. I wanted you to know the insider information of this trip so you could pray more effectively." So I was a prayer partner for my friends and they had an amazing time. A week later, I got my application file back in the mail from the post office. It was marked: "address unknown" even though the address was correct. 

Fast forward a few years later. My friend Katie and I were talking about The Lords  Resistance Army and Invisible Children and she said, "It is my dream to go there to Uganda and work with children coming out of that situation." I looked at her and said, "Let's make it happen. I'd love to go with you." Eventually, the trip was happening and we were starting our fundraising efforts. When, once again, my passport application was lost. This time it was not only lost, but I never received anything back in the mail to this day. I prayed for my team, but I also got some backlash from some would-be-supporters who told me, "This never happens. You're making up everything. There was never a trip." I was so offended and hurt, so I cried again to God. He told me, "It is not your job to answer to others. You don't need to worry about them, or defend yourself. I will deal with them. You need to pray effectively for your team again. This is what I wanted you to do. And I wanted you to be willing to go even if the place was not a guarantee of safety. I wanted to know you trusted me." Praying for that trip and my team was amazing. My friends had an amazing time. And I resolved with God from that day forward I would bring willing to go anywhere He was calling me to.

Then, I came to Texas. I was gonna do the Night Discipleship School but my work schedule changed last minute. I decided to do the Day Discipleship School instead, not knowing anything about it. I ended up biting off more than I could chew and stopped after the first semester. My team went to Lebanon for 3 weeks and just got back yesterday. The  idea of going to Lebanon for Syrian Refugee Relief was exciting to me. I was thrilled to go and over the moon excited for what God was gonna do. In September, I sent my passport application in for a third time. I made sure I did everything correct and even paid for tracking on the envelope. The post office double checked everything and said it was taking folks 4-6 weeks and not to worry. By November, I still had not gotten my passport. Instead, I received a letter all the Day School staff members had never seen. Apparently, the passport people watch Texas applications very meticulously and questioned my identity and requested 5-10 documents proving long-term identity of myself. Every item had to be 5 years old or more.  I called them and they were supposed to call me back. I never received a call. 

After leaving the discipleship school, I have been continuing to pray for my team. In March, God put my team heavy on my heart. He told me I was not only to pray for them, but fast for them while they were gone. My team left three weeks ago and just got back yesterday. The past three weeks was not easy to fast from something I love, and I did have two occasions of failure, but there was something that came out of the past three weeks. Connection with God and intercessory prayer that felt powerful. Prayer changes so much, even countries away. God showed me that, by having to stay behind, again I was given a chance to pray more effectively. He said, "I will use this team in ways they won't believe. You need to fight for them in prayer." That was all I needed!!! Haha! When God says to you "You need to fight for them in prayer," ya do it!! 

In April, I got an email from the passport people that my passport was received and they were starting the processing procedures. I was told it was taking 4-6 weeks right now. I was so surprised, I had long expected to be denied, especially since I never got a call back from them. I called the number in the email and it ended up being a direct phone number to the El Paso, TX Passport Agency Office. This really nice lady explained everything. Apparently, they have strict guidelines they have to follow in Texas due to identity theft and an increase of false records. As a result they strictly follow a rule that any identification sent in with the passport application needs to have been issued over 1 year before the date of the passport application. I sent in my new Texas Driver's License I had just gotten in February, 7 months prior to the date on my application. I asked her what I could do, as I didn't have a lot of what was requested of me to send in the letter. She told me to gather up 10-15 items from as far back as possible to prove my long-term identity. She said I could send in pictures of them to her direct email to quicken the processing procedures! 

It is now nearly 9 months since I sent my passport application in. It is 4.5 weeks since I emailed the lady all my photos. I have so many friends going on trips to Engage the Crisis of Syrian Refugees. My original team has left and come back. And I am praying for a third time in my life for my passport to come. 

Today, I found myself bargaining with God as I was praying for friends who just landed in Europe: "If you give me my passport, I will go back and finish. I will do Night Discipleship School. I can't think of a reason not to go. And I will go anywhere You call me to. I just want to share Your Truth as a gift to the world." And then, I remembered my friend, Corey's words, "and God smiles."

My passport is still not here. But I am trusting God's plan for my life. I'm laying my Isaac down and trusting He is faithful. 

From Where I Sit

I have seen a lot of things by watching others. I think it comes from being the youngest of 8 kids in a very blended family. I tried hard growing up to not repeat what my siblings would get in trouble for, or not do what made my parents angry. In school, I was no different. I can only think of a handful of times I let my teachers down by a conscious choice on my part and each time a part of me died inside. As an adult, I find I still observe people and groups. Instead of figuring out how to please them, I am observing where they are at and how to pray for them.

It is a total perspective shift. A huge part of my story and faith journey has been learning to please God and not man. The approval of man was something I always struggled with until this Abraham Journey began last year. A big lesson for me is realizing I can never fully please a human being, I will let them down and fail at some point. It is also realizing even people I love dearly let me down and have failed me. None of us are perfect and able to live up to perfection. 

I learned a few years ago that, for me, one of the key parts to me developing an eating disorder was this pressure I gave myself to please others and live up to whatever I perceived they wanted me to. Whenever I would fail, I hated myself a little more. The self-hate morphed into this ugly fungus that ate away at me from the inside. The more I failed at pleasing others, the more I hated myself, and the more I fed my eating disorder.

Since moving to Texas, I have experienced language barriers, cultural misunderstandings, embarrassing moments brought on by not knowing Waco, being the new person everywhere, getting lost and having to ask for help to get to locations obvious to locals, and many other failings. I fail some how some way at least every week, if not daily, when it comes to achieving approval from others!! It didn't take long for me to stop crying about it and start laughing about it. From where I sit, this journey has been profitable for teaching me to focus on pleasing God alone. Simply moving away from everything I knew and loved (Minnesota) to move to everything I knew nothing about and kinda hated (Texas) has caused me to make choices daily that are in line with God's desires, as well as my own values and convictions.

Instead of pleasing others out of fear, I am pleasing God and developing a greater understanding of the person I truly am and my identity in Christ. Nothing I do is for my own gain anymore. Instead, I have one God in three persons (Father, Son, & Holy Spirit) I want to please. 

The Journey Continues

This morning after working the night shift I lay in bed trying to sleep and instead I started thinking.

I moved to Waco in February 2015 and this year really feels like it did last year! To be fair, there's been lots of parallels around the same time: Lifegroup searching, discerning which church to really land in, moving to a new apartment, taking a children's ministry training to start serving in May, and trying to get to know Waco. 

When I decided to step away from the Discipleship School in January, I didn't expect the challenges that would come. I found out about a rumor as to why I left and was able to squash it, but not without it stinging a bit. My third Lifegroup disbanded, which made me suddenly alone on an island of 1. I checked out a couple churches and was really liking one, but craved times of really encountering God and Holy Spirit during worship. With the prompting of two friends, praying and receiving direction from God, and coming to realize that I am a person who loves being a part of a church that welcomes the power of the Holy Spirit and not deny it exists. I decided Antioch really is the place I most belong. My experience has been far from the "norm" I'm told regularly, but it doesn't make it any easier to be here a year and still feel so new, still feel like I am in culture shock. This part of the journey has been hardest.

The journey so far has had a lot of sudden surprises that continue to be guideposts along the way. 

One guidepost was my therapist, Salley. I didn't expect to connect to easily and so deeply with her. I think her passion, support, and belief in me has marked me in a powerful way. The journey is continuing with her still being a big part of my wholeheartedness development. 

Another guidepost I didn't expect is my seester, Meagan. (yes, I meant to spell it wrong.) we met around this time last year at my very first Lifegroup and instantly connected. In many ways we are opposite, but in many ways we are complimentary to one another. I didn't expect to have such a sweet friendship develop so deeply. We are now roommates, but I say first she's my seester.

Another guidepost has been my heart condition, NCS. Passing out at work this time last year was really fun! All my heart tests, blood tests, scans, and tilt-table test we're interesting! In the end, I have learned that I need to self-care, manage stress better, and always take my meds! I have learned to say no, learned to ask for help, and learned to pace myself. 

The journey moves forward. I'm in a new Lifegroup, which so far has been good. I'm trying a different area to serve in for children's ministry. I'm working and hoping to pay off bills so I can return to college and finish my degree in 2017!

My biggest part of my life right now is staying connected to God, community, and develop friendships with other gals. Deep in my heart, I would love to be given a mentor as well, which I call someone older than me by 5-10 yeas whose been a Christian longer than me, and is a woman. I would also love to have a few girlfriends, connection and friendship is most what I need. 

My journey is unique like me. I like it. I'm thankful God's working out all the details as they come!

The Beauty of a Closet

It wasn't my first thought, after watching War Room, to have a prayer closet. Honestly, I have not had a closet for about 3 years since this past October. Believe me, I have had to get creative on how I store my clothing. I have also had to be serious on stuff and what I own. I don't believe it is wise to fill up your closet with tons of outfits, most of which you won't even wear in a year's time! After moving 5 times the past 4 years, I made a promise to myself three things:

1) If it doesn't fit me today, it will fit someone else. I give it away to a friend it will fit, or donate it. Often times through my church connections, there's a garage sale to support a missionary, or a garage sale to support the Discipleship Schools. It's much better than storing it for "when it fits me," which if I ever do lose a significant amount of weight the LAST thing I will wanna do is wear something of mine super old! I believe I would have earned a SHOPPING SPREE! :-)

2) If I didn't wear it this past year, I do need it anymore. This is most difficult with dresses, especially fancier ones. I'm finding I love to dress up, but I don't always do it every day or even every Sunday. My church I attend in Waco is very casual or business type, so wearing a dress isn't always the first thing I think of. I got rid of 6 when I moved and I'm slowly building my collection up again.

3) I don't need a full closet. Plain and simple. Do I rotate clothes? Kinda, but not intentionally or scheduled. Do I wear the same clothes often? Definitely. In fact, I will wear some outfits so rarely throughout the year that it isn't a surprise for even my roommate to compliment or notice them! Ha! Do I follow the latest fashion trends? NO. I really never have been one to be a fashionista. To me, my every day wardrobe should be logical for what I normally do, comfortable so I'm not squirming or start a sensory processing problem, and be versatile. I don't need a full closet to achieve these things, so why bother?

Recently, I moved into a 2 bedroom/2 bath apartment with my roomie-sister-BFF, Meagan. It has been delightful to finally have my own space, my own room, and be able to have my very own closet to myself. As I was finally hanging my clothes up a few days ago and organizing my closet, I realized I only have enough space for half my closet to be used! This was extremely exciting! My mind started thinking about what I could do with the space! Immediately, all ideas were shut down after I realized what I could do: a prayer closet!!!

This is no surprise really, especially after having watched War Room at LEAST 3 times! (Amazing movie about the power of prayer that is heavily misunderstood in non-Christian circles.) I basically have been very convicted on time spent really fighting in prayer for myself, my family and friends, and those I know who need Jesus. I also pray for a significant number of missionaries, which is exciting! There's plenty I could do in that little area!! So I'm in the process of getting it exactly the way I want to. I think I'm finally learning the beauty of a closet.

May I Never Forget

Today is April 11, three years since I work up in Trauma ICU. I first remember hearing this beep constantly...and the pain it was causing in my head. Then, I noticed my head felt like a migraine headache, loopy, and so tired all at once--a feeling I have never felt before. Then, I opened my eyes to see a blanket hanging from the ceiling. What the?! Why is that there? Then, I saw a glass wall at my feet and I was lost. Then, I tried to say, "Make it stop," but I could not talk. I started to panic at that point. I could t move my arms, they were tied down? What the heck?! I finally pulled my left hand free and pulled on a string coming out of my blanket, when suddenly the beeping became a constant "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP" and a series of other alarms and sounds went off simultaneously. Suddenly, the glass wall opens and this lady runs to me and says "Emily! You're awake! Do you want that tube out?" I kept trying to talk and couldn't. She says a bunch of stuff and out of my mouth comes this insanely long plastic tube. I cough a lot afterwards and she says, "Don't be surprised of you cough blood or weird stuff." Then, she talks really fast and I miss everything until I hear "You'll recover but you were in a bad car accident. You had a traumatic brain injury." Then, a ton of people come in to say hello. I think 8? One tells me he is my neurologist and he starts asking me questions:

What is our name? "Emily Ardolf 

What is your middle name? "What's a middle name?"

What month is it? "March."

What year is it? "2010."

Where are you? "A hospital."

Which hospital? "I don't know."

What state are you in? "Minnesota."

What city? "Twin Cities?"

Which one? "I don't know."

Who is the Governor of Minnesota? "Tim Pawlenty"

Who is the President? "Bush"

And then came another lady who asked me if I remembered what happened in the car accident. "What car accident?" I was told I was hit by a commercial truck that was destroyed as was my car. "What? When?" Yesterday. "Where is my mom?" We don't know. We have not been able to get information on your family. Do you have her phone number? "It is 705-733 or something. Where is my phone? I want to talk to my sister." And they find my phone in my bag of chopped up clothes. And then I sob-cry forever.  They wrote down the whole encounter in my medical chart via the scribes of my neurologist. My first "awake evaluation" where I "was oriented only to self and failed most questions, and had dancing eyes, and extreme emotional response at the end." 

I remember very little that day. I moved to a room out of ICU. Some lady came trying to get me to do fine motor skills and I couldn't do any of them, so I cried. I had to learn to walk in physical therapy, which I cried during too. I talked to my sister on the phone and my mom. My friend Sarah came to visit me and I didn't want her to leave. I cried after she left. It was a big day.

I never want to forget the day I woke up. 

A Job or a Tribute?

I have been blessed to acquire a second, part-time job recently. While only 10 hours a week, it is still nice to have something to cushion expenses, but also add purpose to life. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Waco has hired me to be a peer support specialist. It is a fancy phrase for saying, "I have been hired to support, encourage, and provide resources to folks with mental illness on the basis that I have one and worked to overcome it." Presently I am placed at a strategic location to build up my clientele and build a report with the clients there. It is a local non-profit that tends to be a hub and safe haven for the homeless population of Waco and those who are among the poorest. It has been really great to sit down at a picnic table with folks and hear them tell their stories, as raw and honest as they could be.

I can't help but think of my brother, Carlos every day I am there. My brother was not well known, but I can confidently say he is my hero of heroes. The man battled paranoid schizophrenia for twenty years, terrified that someone was going to kill him. Yet, every single day, he kept living some how. At the time of his death, he was almost done graduating with his college degree. He would take the bus and ride his bike all alone, across St. Louis mind you, to go to his classes. Every day he would text our sister about people he was sure were wanting to, or planning to kill him--and he still went to class. I don't have that type of courage and determination!

Carlos was 10 years older than me. He was in foster care shortly after his diagnosis, so he never really had much to integrate him into adulthood. It was a struggle for him to figure it out on his own, which led to him being homeless for many years while I was growing up in elementary and junior high. He would be nomadic with his living arrangements, which would change with every hospitalization that he would have and he had many. Periodically, he would call or write, but he was never consistent with it. Our relationship was not well defined for me and I never really knew what to do about it, or how to improve it. It is one of the things that still bothers me after his death to be honest. I didn't realize the reality of what he went through as a homeless person until this job.

There's street life homeless people live to survive. They find ways to get food and water, but also find rest and have a sense of safety. Some live two miles out of town under an overpass because their afraid of getting hurt. Some live in groups in an abandoned building downtown. They have a certain determination to keep living life, regardless of the circumstances that led them to this present situation. One saying I hear often is, "My life purpose is to survive and keep pushing through the tough shit life hands me." The honesty of that sentence makes me pause for a moment.

Once in awhile I look at these people around me and I see my brother in every single one of them. "The absence of your presence is everywhere." I try so hard to respond with respect, dignity, and friendship because so many of them don't have any of it. And I often wonder, who was respectful to Carlos? Who gave him dignity? Who were his friends? When he was homeless, who gave him the last two dollars they had because he held up a sign--or did he ever hold up a sign? Then, I think of his home he had in St. Louis.

Carlos had an apartment at the time of his death that he was proud of. Our sister helped him get in touch with various services so that he didn't have to constantly lose his home with every hospitalization. He was able to afford his apartment in the worst side of St. Louis. The building was a four-plex and he had a studio. It was a decent size, but it was not in well-kept building. I can't even describe the environment properly except to say I could never live there, or be paid to live there. Carlos was so proud of his self-sufficiency. His plan was to eventually provide for himself completely and he was well into his goals for his recovery. My thoughts often reflect upon this chapter of his life. I wonder if he had any regrets? What would he say if a peer support specialist talked to him? What goals would he have in his recovery? What advice would he give people? And sometimes, I think about our relationship.

We sort of drifted apart over the years because he was so challenging to engage and interact with. Towards the end of his life, he was having audio and visual hallucinations. It was not uncommon to have a perfect normal conversation over the phone, only to find out later he called someone else in the family because he was so sure you said something you didn't. He would often ramble on and on, sometimes making sense, but sometimes--most times--not. And I wouldn't know what to do or say, so I would suddenly say, "Well, I gotta go!" I would end the conversation whenever it got too weird, only because I didn't know what else to do. I wonder now, what would have happened if I would have just listened a little bit longer? Often times I wonder if I told Carlos, "I love you," and if he actually knew that I did? This is the biggest thing I struggle with after his death: Regretting the way I loved him and how I showed him I loved him.

I suppose this job is more than a job to me. It is a way for me to honor my brother's legacy. A way to stare mental illnesses in the face and not be afraid anymore of the weird moments, or the hard moments. It is a way for me to show up in a life of another human being and say, "I see you. I hear you. I understand. You matter. You have a value and a purpose. You are loved." Of course, I may not say it with words, but with my actions. And every single minute I am clocked in, my brother is on my mind. I guess you could say, I work to honor his legacy.

Carlos' legacy of determination, hard work, and courage are things I hope I hold onto every single day of my life. I only wish his heart would have kept going long enough for us to reconnect and restore our relationship. And I will always hope he knew I loved him more than he ever knew.

Transitions and Triumphs

I have my own room. I know it sounds like a common thing for most people, but this is no small feat for my present life. I have lived fairly nomadic in the past five years. Truth be told, it's not all been exciting.

I moved to the Twin Cities (aka Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota) a few years ago. My first gig was as a nanny for a lady who turned out to be a not-so-recovered recovering drug user. A new friend invited me to her home at the last second, which was an amazing gift. It did mean I had my own room, but I couldn't really decorate it "my way" and it was supposed to be temporary until I was married . . . another post for a different day, perhaps, but I stayed there for quite awhile. Then, I moved into a house that ended up being foreclosed on. Then, this Abraham Journey to Texas led me to a big house full of people who were lovely and three roommates! Eventually, I moved in with my sister, Meagan, and realized it would be lovely to have my own room again--like a grown up.

I have never slept well in new places. My very first apartment took me about 3 months before I slept in my actual bedroom. For some reason, I forgot this challenge until this week. I did well while my roomie was here, but she's back to work and not here much at night. I have come to regress heavily in any progress I was making in the issue of obtaining and maintaining a sleep cycle.

Transitions have never been my favorite. Change isn't something I have ever embraced. It all looks suspicious, so it feels bad and unsafe. I feel much more than logic would tend to bring to my mind, but I think that's the heart of anxiety--feeling more than truly thinking. I have been overwhelmed with the transition this time. My first mistake was thinking I could work full-time while also packing and moving. My second mistake was over-committing myself and making me exhausted so I became extremely ill in the matter of a few hours. Sparing you the details, it was awful.  For some reason, I lack all wisdom in dealing with change and transitions, seriously.

Today I find a new reality as I become a ball of anxiety at night. I used to feel like this every single day, so I know what it feels like. I know it's based on irrationals, lies, and twists of reality. I know what it is like to fear the unrealistic as though it is a logical progression. I know what it is like to doubt the shadows and jolt at the tiniest sound. Let me tell you: It is exhausting.

I can't admit all of this and deny the triumphs that exist at the same time. There's been a few that are noteworthy to me.

First, I found a life group. The craziest struggle on this Abraham Journey thus far was a small group/life group. I took a time out at the church I was at and opened up the door to meeting other people. Then, a friend suggested I give it another try. So far so good and I feel at peace back at the church I started with. The group is made up of some older and some younger than me, which I find ideal.

Additionally, I switched clients at work. This is no easy decision, but it proved to be wise. I have a lot of unique experience working with the elderly and challenging diagnosis, so I tend to get handed the challenging clients. However, today I learned my next primary one may not be so challenging. It's nice to have a break from the intense clients. It all started by me reaching out to my boss and continually doing so as though I am just as important and just as deserving to like my job as he does. I don't think I have ever been able to express myself with any supervisor so freely, which is a huge sign of healing.

I also reached out to friends for help. When I can't do a lot of continual stair climbing without passing out, this sounds really logical. However, it is a vulnerable and scary thing to say, "I need to do something that I can't do without your help. Please help me. This is what I need: _______. Will you help me?" There was a moment when my friend Joanna came up the stairs the 100th time and I felt like kissing her feet. How do you tell people thank you enough? This is the body of Christ, yes, but everyone has to choose to be an active part of it, which is a beautiful thing when they do!

Lastly, I have been fighting this anxiety with prayer and worship. It's a new sort of weaponry and one not commonly used in my situation. However, it feels more of a spiritual battle than a physical one, especially since the anxiety is not a 24-7 struggle. I have found constant worship music to be an amazing weapon, especially "You Make Me Brave" on repeat. I reached out to a couple friends who have been there and get it--friends who know this valley and still have hope in Jesus. It is not easy to admit to someone the illogical anxieties you have while also acknowledging they are limiting your rest. When you are met with people who understand you're not wanting to hear how irrational you are, but be affirmed in the emotional struggle it is a relieving conversation to behold.

While change will probably always be hard for me, I am thankful in the midst of them I can see God at work. Any triumph we have comes from Him alone. 

My Logos 365 for 2016

I am really late deciding not on my word, mostly because I couldn't decide and wasn't sure. Last year was complete and it was exactly that! 

I have decided this years word is "goals". It has been a year of learned to make goals, be goal-setting, and attempt to achieve goals.

Picking a verse for this year has been also hard, but I think I have settled with:

Philippians 3:14: "I press on toward the goal to win the [heavenly] prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

I really like this verse because it reminds me to not forget the goals I'm attempting and keeps me encouraged!

What's your Logos? 

Listening + Journaling + God = Peace

When I was in d school, one thing that was talked about was creating a listening journal. It was explained as an effective way to tend your heart, opening yourself up to an intimate conversation with God and recording it. I latched onto it the first day I learned about it and grabbed an empty journal from my stash!

It is easy for me to forget to open up my heart to anyone. Any victim of trauma can testify that our general, automatic response with any other human or relationship is to self-protect. I am even more complicated when you add in the fact I was a child growing up with the trauma. Making sure there's walls around my heart and around me became my specialty, but it never brought me peace. Instead, I have realized living like this only closes you off to friendship, love, and growth. 

In the midst of the business of life, my Quiet Time evolves daily and is never exactly the same. I do this on purpose to avoid getting stuck in a rut, to avoid feeling like it is a chore, and to prevent myself from developing a legalistic view of my Quiet Time process that plagues many Christian women. I got so caught up doing other things that I forgot about my Listening Journal!!

There's a lot going on in my inner world these days. I have talked to a few friends about some of it this week. I have also prayed about it for several months. But today, I felt like I needed to really have a conversation with God about a few things. I grabbed my listening journal and began a beautiful conversation that was not only needed, but lifted my spirits.

When I started my listening journal, I knew I was gonna want a consistent color for recording God's responses back to me. I really wanted His presence clear and easy to find later. I decided to pick the color orange for His responses. Then, I learned the following: "Orange is associated with meanings of joy, warmth, heat, sunshine, enthusiasm, creativity, success, encouragement, change, determination, health, stimulation, happiness, fun, enjoyment, balance, sexuality, freedom, expression, and fascination. Orange is the color of joy and creativity." It sounds exactly like God!

Today I opened up to Him about some tough things and He not only listened, but provided some advice. He also was affirming, supportive, gracious, and full of love. It was exactly what I needed to hear to move forward.

I highly recommend a listening journal! It will change your relationship with God in amazing ways!! It will also grow you I'm ways you didn't think were possible.

An Empty Cupboard, Duct Tape, and a Box

This week I have been packing up the apartment I share with my roommate, Meagan. We are getting a 2 bed-2 bath apartment in the same complex. We move next Saturday.

I have moved so much in the past 5 years that I hate it, even when I should be excited it is the last thing I ever want to do. It is a ton of work!

One thing that is consistent about moving for me is how weepy I get, even when it is a good thing. I get a little bit sappy at the sight of an empty room, an empty cupboard, or even a duct tape label on a box.

Moving has always been a marker for significant times in my life. I was between 4th and 5th grade when we moved back to Minnesota after living four years in Arkansas. I lived in Bemidji, MN for 5 years and dated my fest two boyfriends, which was a huge marker. I moved back to my hometown during a horrible period of dealing with PTSD and depression. I moved to the Twin Cities to be closer proximity to the boyfriend I had at the time. Instead of getting married, I learned the importance of standards, the need for friendship, and setting boundaries. When I moved to Texas, I learned to trust God in ways I have never had to before. And now, I am moving to a place that will be my own for the first time in 5 years! My room and my bathroom are mine to do whatever I wish!! I can decorate how I want to, listen to whatever music I want to, and do art in my art studio I will have in my bedroom! I feel as excited as I feel nervous for the change. 

When I finished packing a section of kitchen cupboards the other day, I got all teary eyed. I started thinking back to when I paced my apartment in Fairmont to moved to the Twin Cities. I was so scared and full of hope at the same time. I was sad walking through my very first apartment in Bemidji when I was moving back to my hometown. There's something about an empty cupboard that is a sign of reality--I am really moving and won't be here anymore. Someone else will live here!

As I looked around and shed a few tears, I was thankful for what this move means. It means I have a home of my own. It means I have successfully moved out of state. It means I have a close friend. I means I am successful in that I can afford an apartment in a safe complex. It means I have trusted God on this journey and have shelter, protection, provision, and my own territory. I can be thankful for all I have been given regardless of certain things not panning out. 

One Year: A Reflection

2/20/15 I started the crazy process of driving down to Texas to live. I packed everything into my car and went on a journey. A hotel stop the first night, my cousins' place the second night, and my sister's place the next two. I was welcomed, fittingly, with a Texas ice storm. I crossed the Missouri-Oklahoma border with an offer of a job via the phone. I was accepted into the night discipleship school, and had a place to live that I never actually saw. I was excited and not the least bit worried.

Here I am, a year later and so much has happened!! My friend, Casey, said in a text once a few months ago, "Well, it sure has been an adventure!" He was so right and I have not gotten that sentence out of my head since. I thought I would do a quick recap of this past year for you:

-- I moved into my discipleship house and, at one point, there were 12 of us living in one house! I loved my time there and the sweet friendships that developed. It was also a challenge for me in the roommate situation. I ended up living there for 9 months until I moved out and into an apartment with my friend, my seester Meagan. Living with Meagan has been really good for me in that I have a place to live that feels like "my" home. I haven't had that in 4 years, since I moved from Fairmont to the Twin Cities.

- I started at Antioch Community Church. It took me forever to get to check out a small group. It was not until April that I was able to and it was not until the end of April/beginning of May that I could say I had one. March was the worst month ever in terms of the move and adjustment to Waco. I felt like I was working and coming home, with no friendships and not knowing anyone in a town much larger than I had realized. I could go into church and walk out with not even a glance from others. However, the one couple that broke the norm I am still friends with! Michael and Cassandra were in front of me at church my very first Sunday I attended Antioch as a new Waco resident! They were super sweet, insisting I sit with them, and we exchanged phone numbers. They have been a life saver to me in so many ways. I have been able to babysit for their family, which all my friends back home know how much I love kids! I have had a chance to be used and love on their kiddos, which is always a huge blessing! My life group leaders all stepped down though and I have had a huge struggle finding one again that would work. It has either been a schedule issue, or another set of leaders stepping down. I ended up also going to the day discipleship school and, after one semester, stepping out of it. After months of struggling to get connected at Antioch, I decided to check out different churches. To my delight, Meagan came along. I am not one to church-shop and I hate been a "regular attender" with no real commitment to a church body. I find membership to be deeply necessary for my growth. It has not been easy to go to a church and not sense this is where God wants you. After checking out three churches, I am landing at First Baptist Woodway, which is not far from our apartment. Thankfully, they have a solid Adult Sunday School program so if I can't connect with a life group, I can stay connect with the Sunday School! We are going to a Sunday school full of 30s post college. I'm already connecting with friends from there and it has been really exciting. They have a Thursday night bi-weekly life group made up of the same Sunday School peeps that I will plan to start going to next week. I am also in a Women's Bible study again, which is something Antioch didn't have or do for all stages of women. Coming from being on the Women's  Ministry team at my former church, this was really hard to adjust to so having a Bible study has been great! I have loved the Bible study time at my new church! They also have a supper each Wednesday and I have loved being a part of that. I am starting to feel like this church could be where God wants me, which is exciting.

- My health has been a struggle this past year. I was really sick April-June with something that ended up being diagnosed as a Dysautonomia Syndrome, called Neurocardiogenetic Syncope. This was just another layer to the stress I was dealing with from the move and working 12 hours on my feet at the hospital was not helping. I ended up having to step away from being a Nursing Assistant for health reasons. Thankfully, I found a job rather quickly, but ended that position because of unethical practices by my former employer both in employee relations and in how they were handling the clients I was taking care of. Now I have found a great job with a fairly new senior companionship and home health aide company that has been supportive, affirming, and challenging. My health was great until October when my chronic migraine started acting up. My health and stress level during the discipleship school was a primary reason I had to step away. It is amazing how, since leveling the school, I have not had a single migraine! My stress level in general has been greatly reduced and I have been able to take time to really rest when I need to.

- I have been able to see my sister, Tammy, a lot. It has been super great because I have not really been able to see her so often and hang out with her as much since we were kids! I don't think I realized until recently how much I missed her and how much I really relied on her when I was growing up. It really says a lot about how amazing she is since she is my oldest sister and we are 7 years apart. I have loved that she's just a short drive away! Instead of seeing each other once a year, we have seen each other 1-3 times per month! It really has been a blessing!

- I have also been able to have a solid year with my therapist. I am so thankful for Salley! I love that we combine art therapy with what we do. This past year with her I feel like I have grown in strides and in areas I didn't think possible. She has helped me set boundaries and be able to enforce them in every area of my life, without me feeling guilty. I have also found a great peace and calm that I didn't have before. She's been a great support, but also challenges me every week to keep doing the hard work to heal.

-- Lastly, this year has shown me who I am and what I want to do with my life. One big think is finishing my college degree, but that is a career. Who I am as a person has never been something I have been aware of, so it is really nice to identify who I really am. Connecting with God even outside of the struggle to find a church home has not been easy, but it has happened. I feel I have grown in my faith journey in ways I would not have had I stayed in Minnesota.

Overall, this move was the best thing I ever did and I do not have any regrets.