Do you ever have moments where you make a decision which you are very confident in, but later you scream inside, "What am I doing?!" I have been having several of those moments lately. While this Abraham Journey continues to be a journey and my path is lit by a tiny candle so I only see a few steps ahead of me, it can be unsettling to have these moments.
I started thinking again of Abraham's journey, in particular Genesis 22 where he was initially instructed to sacrifice Isaac as a test of his obedience to God. I have always found the story unsettling and morbid if I'm honest. It is one of those things I plan to chat it up with God in heaven while drinking Starbucks; both opportunities will be available to me in heaven I believe. I don't have to understand God's methods to get Abraham's attention, just like you don't have to understand God's methods to get my attention. Every post on this blog, for example, could sound just as crazy to you, but it is still my story and potentially something you could take away. In this story of Abe and Isaac, I wonder sometimes what Abe was thinking, what he was feeling, and what he was convinced of during the process leading up to the ram showing up. The History Channel's production of this story is interesting to me. It portrays Abe as being a firm, silent follower with moments of thinking of what his wife would say. Then, it shows Sarah finding out and the emotional response to it as well. Biblically, there's no evidence Sarah ever knew it happened so they took some creative rights there, but it does show us one thing: God will sometimes request of us to do things we ourselves would not normally be able to do, or choose to do apart from Him.
I am a prayer partner for a few missionaries who are spreading the love of God to muslims in a couple "closed" countries. One person is a single woman who gave up her single life here in America to share Jesus in a country and region that could land her in jail. I am confident that this decision didn't come from her core being, but was a process and a result of God directing her and remaining with her during the fruition of this decision. Another missionary I pray for is a family that is in a region and country of the world that is always in the news, has been recently a site of war involving the USA, and is still very much unsettled. I have heard the husband and wife share about their journey to decide to do this, even with their children being young and having more children while living in that region. They admitted saying, "What am I doing?!" and "What are we doing?!", but they always came back to the realization that God is both worth obeying and will provide support for the journey ahead.
There's many areas right now where I am at this place of "freak out" . . . that place of throwing my hands up and humanly saying, "What the hell am I doing, God?! You really want me to do this?!" I am finding it okay to be in this place and sit there a little bit because Jesus, in His own humanity, had a freak out moment too.
"And taking with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee [James and John], He began to be grieved and greatly distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, so that I am almost dying of sorrow. Stay here and stay awake and keep watch with Me.” " (Matthew 26:37-38, AMP) Not only did Jesus go to a secret, safe place of His to process His human feelings, but He also included His 3 closest friends. He brought them along and then opened up to them the magnitude of what He was feeling. I see the feelings of sadness, fear, pain, unsettled, anxiety, restlessness, heart ache, vulnerability, and being exposed. He was trying to rely on His friends for safety, protection, and comfort.
"And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “So, you men could not stay awake and keep watch with Me for one hour?" " (Matthew 26:40, AMP) Jesus goes away for a little bit and when He returns, the folks He reached out to were so comfortable that they feel asleep! This is something that is insightful because when we are in these "freak out" moments, others may think it's not a big deal, or see the magnitude of what's ahead. The disciples were certainly historically clueless to a lot of things and their full understanding didn't come until after Jesus' death and resurrection. This is important to realize because, as my earlier post spoke of, God's wired humans to have a certain connection with others. When we seek to rely upon others in our "freak out" moments, we may be poorly supported. The reason for poor support is just like the disciples poor support of Jesus. They didn't understand everything Jesus told them and if they did grasp a piece of it, they were often in denial and rationalized it away. Our friends cannot understand what God is doing in our lives when what is ahead of us is such a personal request from God of us, no matter how we describe it. The few that do understand a small portion may say, "Oh, I could never do that?!" Others may even think that it's offensive and morbid when they realize what you're being led to do. Why would that not happen in a relationship with God that is supposed to be deeply personal? How many romantic relationships do we see among our friends and family? When they make a decision to marry fast, never use birth control and have as many children as God gives them, or even to move a certain place . . . really any decisions we may not understand or choose ourselves . . . we often think, "WOW! That's CRAZY?!" Our relationship with God ought to be just a personal and, therefore, potentially just as misunderstood by others around us.
And then, Jesus says the best words I believe He ever uttered from His humanity: "And after going a little farther, He fell face down and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible [that is, consistent with Your will], let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” " (Matthew 26:39, 42, 44, AMP) Jesus had to tell Himself this three times just to get it into His thick, human head so that it could penetrate His soft, human heart. When we have moments of "freak out" we need to do the same. I need to say right now, in my present situations, "God, I think this is crazy. I don't even know that I can do what You're asking. If there's another way, that would ROCK! Yet, I trust You and what You've laid before me. I will surrender to You and Your will and believe You will supply the strength and provisions needed for me to obey. I want Your will, not mine." Talk about the hardest sentence ever! Yet it is also the most beautiful.
Here's to saying that over and over again.
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