December is a month of expectation and preparation for me. One of my traditions I have cultivated as a single woman has been celebrating Advent. I started this tradition around 2010 and each year I build on the tradition, like I would if I had a husband, or children as well. When I first started celebrating Advent, for example, I would just read a devotional book. Now, in addition to the same devotional book I started with, I also have a Advent Candle Set (think wreath, minus the wreath, and add battery candles) plus journaling Bible art (new this year), and a playlist for the season (new this year). Right after Advent, which ends on Christmas Day, I start preparation for the year to come.
During my preparation period, which is 7 days from Dec 26-Jan 1, I will review the current year first. One of the things I do in my review is consider my Logos365, also known as a word for the year. (Logos in Greek means word, and 365 is the year.) I must give credit for a creative and biblically-sound group I was a part of many years that no longer exists, His Kingdom Come (HKC). HKC developed Logos365 and, in my opinion, brought much deeper meaning to having a word for the entire year than other things I have seen or read. One resource many refer to is a book called, "My One Word" by Michael Ashcraft & Rachel Olsen. I have read this book and find it to be biblical as well, but not as effective in goal-setting compared to the Logos365 method. In the end, it is all personal preference and we could all get hung up on the process all day and never end up with a word for the year to come at all. For others, this one word idea feels limiting and not exactly helpful, so some pick a phrase. Personally, the limiting of one word always me to take it into different areas, which makes it helpful for goal-setting later. Ultimately, it is up to you. You do you, I'm merely presenting my process humbly. You are free to take it, adapt it, or scratch it and do your own, or even say, "Ridiculous! I'm not doing this!" You're still just as much a Christian as the next person and, I believe, your year ahead could be just as impactful as mine if you have a word or not. I do this because it makes me more intentional in my year with regards to my focus, helps me say yes or no to church events that maybe could strengthen my spiritual growth, guides me in making sure I'm growing as a woman, and helps me testify to what God has done that specific year. I will go into the process on finding the Logo365 shortly. Since I review mine, I thought I'd start there first so you can see an example.
I have done a Logos365 since 2015. In 2015, my word was "complete." "Goals" was my word for 2016. And for 2017, my word has been "believe." I can see complete, goals, and believe in a list and immediately think of what happened those years in my personal growth. 2015 was the year I moved to Texas and started My Abraham Journey (and started this blog), it was a year God told me He would "complete" healing in me, but also struggles and curses would be "complete" and end. It was very progressive after 2015, for "goals" to be the word that followed for 2016. I was never one to set a goal and was never motivated by them. However, God gave me specific "next-step" directions in 2015 that felt impossible and daunting. When I prayed about the year as it was ending, I felt the need to have a guide for the following year and out of praying into that need, God spoke and said, "Let's make some goals together." In 2016, I didn't make resolutions, or hard-ended goals but more progressive, forward-moving goals. One goal was moving towards a full 10% tithe by the end of the year. Another goal was maintaining my weight while remaining in the relapse prevention phase of my eating disorder as well, not gaining more and not exactly striving to lose weight. I felt like I needed 3 solid years of recovery & relapse prevention phase before I would be mentally ready to attempt to lose weight again and I felt like maintaining where I was would be a reasonable sign of success. I was able to achieve both of these goals. By July 2016, I was at a full 10% tithe and when December 1 came around, I was actually slightly below my weight 12 months prior. I also had goals that were not measurable, but more broad such as, "Increase my intimacy with God by being intentional with my prayer life, Quiet Time, and Sabbath." I was in my prayer closet more, didn't just treat my Quiet Time as "Bible reading time" but actually a time to cultivate spiritual disciplines, and my Sabbath became a day of the week where I did what God said to do the ENTIRE day. This year, it felt like God was taking me to a different direction and highlighting the need to "believe." There were specific statements He gave me regarding this: "Believe who God is in His characteristics. Believe who God says I am. Believe what God will do in my life and through me." Within each of the areas, I had a couple goals as well. One goal about "believe who God says I am," was challenging my negative self-talk and slowly going through the book "Self-Talk, Soul Talk" by Jennifer Rothschild. As I review this year, I see many ways I was challenged to believe. The most significant was a job change that led to two months of no income, but somehow all my bills were paid each month! I was able to believe God would take care of me when I quit a job in August and brought myself back to that belief during those two months whenever my self-talk spoke otherwise. Believe was a perfect word for this past year!
Now, for 2018. I'll share my process for finding my Logos365 for the year here. Please don't let my process distract you from seeking the Lord for yourself. My ideas and words may not be ones for you. Additionally, I believe God speaks to us today through others (prophesy), and also directly with no other human intercessor (Jesus is the only intercessor for us now). I carry these beliefs with me while I process my word, so if someone has given me a specific message from the Lord in 2017, I will first take the time to see if there's anything God wants to highlight as a delayed-word that wasn't meant for the moment I received it. One word I received in the summer was "God will provide for you so that you will be able to go back to college soon." My goal I set with God in 2015 when God spoke to me about completing my college degree was "by Fall 2018 or Spring 2019 I will be a FT student (2018-2019 school year)." I will be keeping these in my mind while I go further in my search for the Logos365.
After you reviewed your previous year and looked at your messages given from God and others, you want to start with your own personal evaluation. Where are you lacking that the previous year left off? If you are a new believer, what's one area you could do better in or learn more about? For a seasoned Christian, perhaps you think of the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, & self-control) and consider your weakest words. Maybe there's a word that feels daunting or you don't understand it? Perhaps there's a characteristic of God that you struggle with (mercy, compassion, etc)? Once something comes to mind, I will make a list of these words and usually pick 5 and include next to it the reason or thought behind it. My list is: Peace (2017 showed me I still get a bit anxious so cultivating peace could be good), Serve (I haven't done much in 2017 to serve as I felt God tell me not to for a year and with me possible going to college for ministry this could be a helpful word to guide the year), Thankful (I feel like I would like to cultivate this more than just in November with my 30 Days of thankfulness), Trust (moving again and going to college can be sorta big changes and I need to remember not to rely on myself), and Listen (I feel like I could listen to God more, and maybe talk less to others too LOL!). Now that you have your list of 5 words, spend time defining them, look at a thesaurus for similes, and then spend time in the Bible looking for verses pertaining to the word.
Prayer is my next step. I spend time with the words and information I collected and I pray. I specifically ask the Lord what He thinks about the list. I would also ask Him, "What word do I need to work on most?" Then, I would sit and quietly wait for His answer. Maybe I don't get an answer the first time, and if that happens I try again another day. This is why I do this from 12/26-1/1. I also have developed this spiritual discipline of listening to God, which is something not always taught clearly. You may wonder, what I hear when I do this. Sometimes it is a very clear, audible voice that is not in my head really but sounds like it is in the room around me. Sometimes it's a pull towards something in my thoughts. Other times, it is a Bible verse God brings to mind. God's brought a worship song to mind one time and at first I didn't understand why so I played it and looked up the lyrics and it made sense. Other times, a pastor preached on it on Christmas. I typically spend 1-3 days on this part, but you can spend longer if you need too. The point is I create space to process this with God and don't rush it.
At this point, I do my goals. I try to remember S-M-A-R-T, which is setting goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timely. I also tap into the verse, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and will all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." (Mark 12:30 NIV) This verse talks about a 4-sided person. I have heard it explained that your heart is your emotions and true feelings, your soul is of course your spiritual self or new creation in Jesus, your mind is your thought life and your personality, and your strength would be your physical body and your health. With these guides, I would make my goals underneath spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional categories. I limit myself to 4-8 goals total, 1 or 2 in each category. I feel like more than 2 in an area makes me stressed. I also don't like the goals unevenly spread. If I have 1 goal, I'll do 1 goal all across. This is so that I'm balanced in my focus. These are my own preferences, so I share them saying, "You do you." Once I have goals, I then take them to God in prayer. My goals are silly if God doesn't approve. For example, for 2015 and my word "Complete" I thought I wanted to lose weight. I had just completed eating disorder treatment and God gentle told me to give myself time to adjust to my recovery and maintain it for 3 years before I focused on losing weight again. This was a very clear guidance from Him and it freed me up to have a strong recovery and I believe I have not relapsed at all because of this.
Once I have completed all of these, I will create an art piece and journal the final word and the goals I have. Creating an art piece helps me add to the process because I am a creative person. One year I did a sketch of the word. Another year, I did a water color for a bible verse that the word came from inside my journaling bible. You don't have to do this step at all, but for me it finalizes the process and gives me an anchor visually to go back to all year long.
The point of a logos365 is that the word carries throughout each day. I make it a part of my year and a part of my decisions, my events, my bible studies, my devotions, and my life. For example, in 2016 my word was "goals." I decided to develop a bullet journal and used a traveling bullet journal by June because it was most effective. This has helped me look at each day, each month, and various goals I have. It was helpful since I never really set goals before and was a method that I fell in love with.
My final thoughts in this process is give yourself one year to try it. Really devout yourself to this word, this new way of focus for a year before you determine it is useless. I do not do resolutions because as soon as I say I will change or do something, I give up in 2 months. This process for a year has helped me grow as a person, as a Christian, and as a woman. I believe you could have the same experience I have if you are open to the process.
Thursday, December 14, 2017
Sunday, October 15, 2017
What I Need from the Body of Christ as a Single
Previously, I shared about my present singleness in a very personal post on this blog: Laying my Isaac Down Today, I feel compelled to open up another layer on my single journey. There's so much in our culture that brings me down, pulls me aside, and blurs my focus as a Christian--let alone a single one. Being new to an area and struggling to find a church home, there's so much I find I need spiritually, but have few places to turn to. Recently, I read a few articles that said everything I was thinking but couldn't put words to. One spoke about the value as a woman that I still have, even though I'm single, and the importance for others to recognize the value and calling God has on my life is NOT dependent upon my marital status. (Amen!) Another shared about the deep loneliness a single often feels in the church culture where, currently, a huge focus is on family instead of the body of Christ. And lastly, another seems to hit the ball completely out of the park when it brings up the tendency to treat Super Singles (my beloved phrase fore the single, post-college person aged 28-40) as a leper and not like a part of the church family. These articles got me thinking of many things and made me become more intentional at church events I attend. Lately, I feel like so much is going on in the world collectively as a whole that stresses me out and divides us apart that I have adopted "Be the change you wish to see in the world" as my personal motto. In putting this motto to practice at church, I'm working on putting myself out there at church activities and not just allowing myself to end up sitting alone at the table, or in the pew. However, I am realizing still I have unique needs many people simply don't know what they are, or assume my needs for me. I have also realized that the Church (that broad, Christian-bible-believing-body-of-christ-interdenominational church) does not know what an older, Christian single needs. Today I'm am just tossing out 5 things I believe Super Singles need from the body of Christ aka 'church'. They are not exhaustive and may seem unnecessary, or maybe even obvious. Also, I am not sharing this list because I went to or go to a specific church that didn't or doesn't do these things; I'm NOT being passive aggressive with this list. My only motive is to give a voice to an area I think the body of Christ, as a whole, could greatly improve in. Lastly, I share this list humbly. I don't have life all figured out and I don't expect you to either. Maybe there's stuff on this list you haven't thought of before, I'm not bringing it up to rake you over the coals and shame you. "There's no condemnation in Christ" doesn't mean there is no sin, but that there's no shame, no guilt, no singling out the one who failed because, in Christ, we are a family and we learn and grow together.
1) I NEED TO BE INCLUDED.
This sounds so basic, am I right? I can tell you multiple times I show up to a small group event, or stand talking to a group from a Sunday School class and eventually they share about a supper "everybody" went to, or a birthday party that was "so fun" and one time I was even told, "I didn't invite you because I just told those in the class who had a family. (Burn! I already check the boxes, "single" "no children" "30s" each week, now there's another "family-less"!) In 2014, 46% of adult attenders of a mainstream Protestant church were single--46%! How many events are held for that half of your congregation, where it says "This is for single, unmarried, childless, and those with no family of their own" in the fine print? None? Exactly. Since that does not happen, I need you to pick up the phone, type the email, send a text, or even talk to me and say, "Hey, I want you to come." Yes, I am single but I am aware you are married and I actually have a lot to offer even if I do not have a husband. Yes, I am single and do not have my own child, but that doesn't mean I think children are loaded with bacteria and if I am near one I fear a sudden illness or death. Instead, being a party of one means I am already lonely and left out enough. We are supposed to be a spiritual family, rooted in Christ. Therefore, envelope me in and let me celebrate with you, your family, your children, and your life. In doing so, we fulfill the command to be One body.
2) I NEED TO BE VALUED, ACCEPTED, AND APPRECIATED.
We have values to bring to the table individually, regardless of our marital status. For some friends, they are newly divorced and feel like they can't do anything in the church anymore because they're suddenly less-than, or failed a certain standard. Those of us who have never married have a similar less-than struggle because people assume the reason for the singleness late in age to be connected to a lack of spiritual maturity, personal success, or mental deficiency. Yes, even in the church setting, I have been told all of these. Just last week I was approached by a gentleman who said, "Haven't you a family yet?" And I smiled and said, "I am single." And he responded, "Well, I will pray for you this week that God will show you what your problem is so you can work on it." Aside from this, not being included in events or having to sit through entire sermon series about marriage, parenting, and raising a family but never once hearing a sermon series about how to live life as a single person brings about further feelings of being an outcast. (How about the other half listens to a sermon series about living life single for a change? I'm getting a little sick of the disclaimer, "If you're single/have no children, listen up because one day that could change." Let's change it to, "If you are not single, here's a way to encourage someone who is.") What about being accepted and appreciated that I have something to offer that could encourage the body? What if the something was more than another person to call for babysitting or fill a vacancy with children's ministry? What if I was asked to help teach when a leader of an adult Bible study is out, sought out for advice on a subject, or just befriended by a family? Being single today and still staying strong in my convictions as a Christian kinda deserves a certain level of appreciation, seriously. If I had children, I would want my teens to be mentored by a single man/single woman living out their faith successfully even more than a married youth pastor because of the experience and wisdom that can be gleaned from a life spent 1:1 with Jesus, the life Paul talks about when He exalts being single. And in case you wondered but were afraid to ask, I have been engaged twice before and I ended both relationships because they were not God-honoring and not starting out on a biblical foundation. I am from a very blended family, so I would rather be single forever than start a marriage covenant out on an unbiblical foundation.
3) I NEED TO BE SUPPORTED.
When someone dies, we rush to help them. In churches in America this often means setting up a Meal Train or a list of volunteers to bring the family meals. When a person becomes a widow in many churches the Elders make sure they're looked after in some capacity. When a person gets hospitalized someone comes and prays for them. When a single person is alone and has to figure out how to get to church because their car broke down, there's no one to call. When a single woman has to hang a shelf in her apartment or house, it will go months without being hung until she watches youtube enough to sorta have it figured out. When someone dies in my family, but not "my own family" it doesn't get mentioned and I don't get meals sent to me or offers to help. When a single person gets a health scare, job loss, or sudden accident who comes to help? No one, unless you call for help yourself. It's like you're not on the radar at all because a family is easily seen but a party of one is easily forgotten, walked past, and left alone. I believe being just one person has its own pressures few experience, especially if you married before 25. I remember being hospitalized a couple days and the nurse telling me I got to go home as soon as I signed the paperwork and my ride came. When I told the nurse I had my car parked by the emergency room doors, she looked at me shocked. "You mean you drove yourself here in the condition you were in?!" "Yes. If I had to puke, I just pulled over and used my bucket." I remember the time I was sent home with my foot in a cast on my right foot and my doctor friend saying, "Is your ride on its way?" I told him, "No. That's why I asked you not to cast my toes--so I could still drive myself where I needed to go." Do you know how hard it is to be in a cast, on crutches, and bring groceries up to your second story apartment? I feel like I shouldn't know how to figure it out for myself because if I had a husband or family of my own, I would not have had to. A few years ago, I went to coffee with a single girlfriend. I hadn't seen her in church for awhile, so I asked her where she's been and what's up. She said to me, "I quit going and I think I'm done with church as long as I'm single. I'll just listen to sermons once a week instead." I probed further, asking her what had happened and she said something that crushed my heart. "All the time I have served that church each week, all the relationships I encouraged, all the prayers I have prayed for folks I thought were my friends, and when I lost my job and then my house because I couldn't pay for it not a single pastor, leader, or small group friend offered me help in some way. I had to figure out a place to live, a place to work, what expenses to cut, and where a food shelf was on my own. If I have to do life on my own, then why bother going to church to just be used so a program functions smoothly?" Wow! It hurt my heart to realize that she had so much going on and felt the weight of all of that alone! I share this need and admit that I can't be helped if I don't express the help I need. My friend easily admitted that she didn't reach out, but she also said she didn't know who to reach out to. Some are not resourceful, but many others feel like they can't ask for the help they need and I think it is often a result of not being supported well.
4) I NEED TO BE LOVED, NOT FIXED.
This need is also obvious when you read it, but its application is elusive I have come to experience. Since moving to Waco in 2015, I visited many small groups to try to figure out where to land. When I visit, I do not just go once and expect to decide if I like it or not. I tend to go for a solid, consistent month. If I can't go for four weeks straight, then I go for six weeks over a 2-3 month period. It usually takes that long for the true vibe of the group to be felt and for everyone to open up to one another, which helps me know if it is a place for me or not. One group I went to about three weeks in was led by a married couple. The lady told me in passing, "You have such great wisdom! I love what you have to say! It really challenges me!" I smiled and thanked her, resisting the urge to correct her and confess my long list of shortcomings. Then, she responded with, "It just saddens me you're still single! Oh! I am thinking of the Christian guys I know your age that could be marriage material within the next year, but so many are just not yet ready! I'm so sorry I can't help you there!" I didn't know what to say to that, so I just let that awkwardly hang in the air. And she filled the air with a follow-up, "Oh, don't be sad sweetie. God knows your heart. Keep asking Him to provide for your needs and one day your husband will come." At that point I was so angry inside, I decided I had better leave because I was gonna unwisely say something I would regret if I didn't! I wish this was one encounter, but it is one of many. I would love to be seen as a fully, intact Christian woman who is just loved by other Christians and befriended. Apparently, this is very taboo in churches today! Also, my need to be loved by the body of Christ does not mean I'm broken while romantic love remains elusive. There's many kinds of love mentioned in the Bible and the type I long for most is koinonia--a deep friendship love, rooted in fellowhip with one another. This can happen within a group of multiple generations, life stages, and races and it should be easy to find in the church today. My lack of romantic love can only be fulfilled first by my God and then spill out of that as an overflow. I am not looking to you to find my husband or meet an unreasonable need, but to be loved by my family in Christ.
5)I NEED TO BE WITH YOU AND YOU WITH ME.
Iron sharpens iron, right? We know what this means I hope and that it comes from the Bible; I'm just gonna assume so and continue on. I cannot grow, strengthen, or become further in my faith journey if I am alone and a party of one. I need to be with you and I need you to be with me. There may be things I need to grow in personally and spiritually that I need your guidance and support in, just like there's things you need to grow in. Take purity for example. I'm single and trying hard to guard my heart, but did you know it is frustrating to see you and your husband sucking face and petting each others lower backs now that you're married? I mean, I get it... you waited so long to be married and now it is a welcomed, healthy love language to touch her in public and let her know you love her. However, obsessive PDA when married is just as offensive as if you saw me making out with a guy knowing I'm single. Stop. I'm still present and observing you and need to see that marriage brings with it a deep covenant, not just a place to get your sexual needs met freely. Another example, you know how it bothers you if I just complain about what's not going well in my life and not share the good things? Well, it bothers me and frustrates me during a ladies night out when I have to listen to you share all the ways your husband lacks and how crappy he is. I mean, inside my head I want to offer to take the wretched man off your hands for you because I'm pretty sure I would be thankful for a guy who works his butt off to provide, leads our small group, and still comes to bed to you every night even though you're so ungrateful! You get what I am trying to point out here? I have flaws, you have flaws, and this side of heaven we ALL have MANY flaws. None of them can be removed or polished off if we are never with each other. Instead of keeping me on the outskirts because I can't possibly relate to you and your life, maybe we have a lot more in common because we are all FIRST sinners saved by grace? We need each other, so how about you give me a chance? I promise I won't brag about how much sleep I get if you don't complain about the mess your family makes. Deal?
1) I NEED TO BE INCLUDED.
This sounds so basic, am I right? I can tell you multiple times I show up to a small group event, or stand talking to a group from a Sunday School class and eventually they share about a supper "everybody" went to, or a birthday party that was "so fun" and one time I was even told, "I didn't invite you because I just told those in the class who had a family. (Burn! I already check the boxes, "single" "no children" "30s" each week, now there's another "family-less"!) In 2014, 46% of adult attenders of a mainstream Protestant church were single--46%! How many events are held for that half of your congregation, where it says "This is for single, unmarried, childless, and those with no family of their own" in the fine print? None? Exactly. Since that does not happen, I need you to pick up the phone, type the email, send a text, or even talk to me and say, "Hey, I want you to come." Yes, I am single but I am aware you are married and I actually have a lot to offer even if I do not have a husband. Yes, I am single and do not have my own child, but that doesn't mean I think children are loaded with bacteria and if I am near one I fear a sudden illness or death. Instead, being a party of one means I am already lonely and left out enough. We are supposed to be a spiritual family, rooted in Christ. Therefore, envelope me in and let me celebrate with you, your family, your children, and your life. In doing so, we fulfill the command to be One body.
2) I NEED TO BE VALUED, ACCEPTED, AND APPRECIATED.
We have values to bring to the table individually, regardless of our marital status. For some friends, they are newly divorced and feel like they can't do anything in the church anymore because they're suddenly less-than, or failed a certain standard. Those of us who have never married have a similar less-than struggle because people assume the reason for the singleness late in age to be connected to a lack of spiritual maturity, personal success, or mental deficiency. Yes, even in the church setting, I have been told all of these. Just last week I was approached by a gentleman who said, "Haven't you a family yet?" And I smiled and said, "I am single." And he responded, "Well, I will pray for you this week that God will show you what your problem is so you can work on it." Aside from this, not being included in events or having to sit through entire sermon series about marriage, parenting, and raising a family but never once hearing a sermon series about how to live life as a single person brings about further feelings of being an outcast. (How about the other half listens to a sermon series about living life single for a change? I'm getting a little sick of the disclaimer, "If you're single/have no children, listen up because one day that could change." Let's change it to, "If you are not single, here's a way to encourage someone who is.") What about being accepted and appreciated that I have something to offer that could encourage the body? What if the something was more than another person to call for babysitting or fill a vacancy with children's ministry? What if I was asked to help teach when a leader of an adult Bible study is out, sought out for advice on a subject, or just befriended by a family? Being single today and still staying strong in my convictions as a Christian kinda deserves a certain level of appreciation, seriously. If I had children, I would want my teens to be mentored by a single man/single woman living out their faith successfully even more than a married youth pastor because of the experience and wisdom that can be gleaned from a life spent 1:1 with Jesus, the life Paul talks about when He exalts being single. And in case you wondered but were afraid to ask, I have been engaged twice before and I ended both relationships because they were not God-honoring and not starting out on a biblical foundation. I am from a very blended family, so I would rather be single forever than start a marriage covenant out on an unbiblical foundation.
3) I NEED TO BE SUPPORTED.
When someone dies, we rush to help them. In churches in America this often means setting up a Meal Train or a list of volunteers to bring the family meals. When a person becomes a widow in many churches the Elders make sure they're looked after in some capacity. When a person gets hospitalized someone comes and prays for them. When a single person is alone and has to figure out how to get to church because their car broke down, there's no one to call. When a single woman has to hang a shelf in her apartment or house, it will go months without being hung until she watches youtube enough to sorta have it figured out. When someone dies in my family, but not "my own family" it doesn't get mentioned and I don't get meals sent to me or offers to help. When a single person gets a health scare, job loss, or sudden accident who comes to help? No one, unless you call for help yourself. It's like you're not on the radar at all because a family is easily seen but a party of one is easily forgotten, walked past, and left alone. I believe being just one person has its own pressures few experience, especially if you married before 25. I remember being hospitalized a couple days and the nurse telling me I got to go home as soon as I signed the paperwork and my ride came. When I told the nurse I had my car parked by the emergency room doors, she looked at me shocked. "You mean you drove yourself here in the condition you were in?!" "Yes. If I had to puke, I just pulled over and used my bucket." I remember the time I was sent home with my foot in a cast on my right foot and my doctor friend saying, "Is your ride on its way?" I told him, "No. That's why I asked you not to cast my toes--so I could still drive myself where I needed to go." Do you know how hard it is to be in a cast, on crutches, and bring groceries up to your second story apartment? I feel like I shouldn't know how to figure it out for myself because if I had a husband or family of my own, I would not have had to. A few years ago, I went to coffee with a single girlfriend. I hadn't seen her in church for awhile, so I asked her where she's been and what's up. She said to me, "I quit going and I think I'm done with church as long as I'm single. I'll just listen to sermons once a week instead." I probed further, asking her what had happened and she said something that crushed my heart. "All the time I have served that church each week, all the relationships I encouraged, all the prayers I have prayed for folks I thought were my friends, and when I lost my job and then my house because I couldn't pay for it not a single pastor, leader, or small group friend offered me help in some way. I had to figure out a place to live, a place to work, what expenses to cut, and where a food shelf was on my own. If I have to do life on my own, then why bother going to church to just be used so a program functions smoothly?" Wow! It hurt my heart to realize that she had so much going on and felt the weight of all of that alone! I share this need and admit that I can't be helped if I don't express the help I need. My friend easily admitted that she didn't reach out, but she also said she didn't know who to reach out to. Some are not resourceful, but many others feel like they can't ask for the help they need and I think it is often a result of not being supported well.
4) I NEED TO BE LOVED, NOT FIXED.
This need is also obvious when you read it, but its application is elusive I have come to experience. Since moving to Waco in 2015, I visited many small groups to try to figure out where to land. When I visit, I do not just go once and expect to decide if I like it or not. I tend to go for a solid, consistent month. If I can't go for four weeks straight, then I go for six weeks over a 2-3 month period. It usually takes that long for the true vibe of the group to be felt and for everyone to open up to one another, which helps me know if it is a place for me or not. One group I went to about three weeks in was led by a married couple. The lady told me in passing, "You have such great wisdom! I love what you have to say! It really challenges me!" I smiled and thanked her, resisting the urge to correct her and confess my long list of shortcomings. Then, she responded with, "It just saddens me you're still single! Oh! I am thinking of the Christian guys I know your age that could be marriage material within the next year, but so many are just not yet ready! I'm so sorry I can't help you there!" I didn't know what to say to that, so I just let that awkwardly hang in the air. And she filled the air with a follow-up, "Oh, don't be sad sweetie. God knows your heart. Keep asking Him to provide for your needs and one day your husband will come." At that point I was so angry inside, I decided I had better leave because I was gonna unwisely say something I would regret if I didn't! I wish this was one encounter, but it is one of many. I would love to be seen as a fully, intact Christian woman who is just loved by other Christians and befriended. Apparently, this is very taboo in churches today! Also, my need to be loved by the body of Christ does not mean I'm broken while romantic love remains elusive. There's many kinds of love mentioned in the Bible and the type I long for most is koinonia--a deep friendship love, rooted in fellowhip with one another. This can happen within a group of multiple generations, life stages, and races and it should be easy to find in the church today. My lack of romantic love can only be fulfilled first by my God and then spill out of that as an overflow. I am not looking to you to find my husband or meet an unreasonable need, but to be loved by my family in Christ.
5)I NEED TO BE WITH YOU AND YOU WITH ME.
Iron sharpens iron, right? We know what this means I hope and that it comes from the Bible; I'm just gonna assume so and continue on. I cannot grow, strengthen, or become further in my faith journey if I am alone and a party of one. I need to be with you and I need you to be with me. There may be things I need to grow in personally and spiritually that I need your guidance and support in, just like there's things you need to grow in. Take purity for example. I'm single and trying hard to guard my heart, but did you know it is frustrating to see you and your husband sucking face and petting each others lower backs now that you're married? I mean, I get it... you waited so long to be married and now it is a welcomed, healthy love language to touch her in public and let her know you love her. However, obsessive PDA when married is just as offensive as if you saw me making out with a guy knowing I'm single. Stop. I'm still present and observing you and need to see that marriage brings with it a deep covenant, not just a place to get your sexual needs met freely. Another example, you know how it bothers you if I just complain about what's not going well in my life and not share the good things? Well, it bothers me and frustrates me during a ladies night out when I have to listen to you share all the ways your husband lacks and how crappy he is. I mean, inside my head I want to offer to take the wretched man off your hands for you because I'm pretty sure I would be thankful for a guy who works his butt off to provide, leads our small group, and still comes to bed to you every night even though you're so ungrateful! You get what I am trying to point out here? I have flaws, you have flaws, and this side of heaven we ALL have MANY flaws. None of them can be removed or polished off if we are never with each other. Instead of keeping me on the outskirts because I can't possibly relate to you and your life, maybe we have a lot more in common because we are all FIRST sinners saved by grace? We need each other, so how about you give me a chance? I promise I won't brag about how much sleep I get if you don't complain about the mess your family makes. Deal?
Thursday, September 28, 2017
To Be Known
The first time I felt new and unconfident was when I went to fifth grade a Fairmont Middle School. I actually went to kindergarten at Lincoln Elementary 1986-1987 in the same school district so after we lived in Arkansas for 4 years and came back, I think I just assumed that all my kindergarten friends would know me, remember me, and we would pick up right where we left off. I rode the bus and no one would let me sit with them, which had never happened in Arkansas, so right away I had no idea what to do and told the bus driver. I didn't know that was a big mistake in being accepted. The first day went down hill after that, especially at lunch time when I found my kindergarten friend I never forgot named Amber. Not only did she not really remember me, but it was not cool to acknowledge me so even if she did, we couldn't be friends. Fifth grade was the worst year of my life in a lot of ways, but especially when it came to connecting with people. Bullying existed horribly back then and there were really no policies. Policies on bullying didn't exist in schools until Columbine happened my senior year 1999. Now it's severely regulated and kids can be kicked out of schools because it took a tragedy to show the severity of the consequences to bullying. I look back at fifth grade somberly and realize that is the year a constant desire within me became known to me the most. I have had a deep, burning desire simply to be known.
I have been writing on this blog openly for a couple years now and I still don't know who follows it, who reads it, or if anyone gets anything out of it. I don't know my audience, other than what country is attached to your ISP (there's a world map blogger will show me, which is actually really cool). I don't write here to be known really, but mostly to share some thoughts with someone with the hopes that they will benefit from it. I like to think my unknown readers learn something from each post. Even writing this blog doesn't satisfy this desire within me.
I have been in Waco, TX now for 2.5 years! I can't believe it. In many ways, I feel like I just moved here last week. Other days, I feel like Minnesota is a distant memory, especially snow. I have not seen snow since the first week I moved here when Texas had a snow/ice storm. I know for a fact when I do see it again I will be screaming in excitement and crying over its beauty--get ready Texans! I have a few sweet friends with whom I have formed a deep bond with in a couple of years and I can finally say I found a church home which I love. The process of connecting with these friends and this church has been very challenging and sort of painful, but I never let the challenge stop me from trying as hard as it was and as desperately the need was to become known.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." -- Jeremiah 1:5 -- This verse is used often to focus on the womb and life, but I want to take a different angle today. God, the Lord, the Creator of the world, the One who holds all things and is all things, and the One who is the Father, the Messiah and the Spirit --- He knew me before I was a tiny little bundle of chromosomes hoping to start to develop. This is a crazy thought when I think of how my parents were not even planning to have another child and my mom had just had her tubes tied! She didn't ever feel right and finally went to the doctor only to discover she was pregnant with me. Even before my parents knew their super-blended, giant-sized family of seven was going to expand to eight GOD KNEW ME. I don't want to skip over that part too quickly because when you have felt so unknown in your life and learn that before you had breath, life, or were even known by your earthly parents God knew you, it makes you drop everything and feel your heart skip a beat. This is what I have come to embrace.
I have shared before my word for 2017 is Believe. I want to "believe who God says I am, believe and stand in my identity, and believe who God is." It may be a tall order for one year, but so far it has been quite the journey. When I read this passage, I see three parts. If God knew me before I existed on this earth then my very existence is valuable to Him. If my existence is valuable to Him, then I am a treasure. If I am a treasure to God, then He must be a Treasure Chest, Treasure Hunter, and a Collector all in one. To me, this is not a verse about the existence of earthly life in a human, but about the existence of an intimate, personal God who is unlike any other gods known to man. If this God sees me as His finest gold, rarest ruby, or most glittering diamond then there's no reason for me to struggle to be known by mankind. Yet this side of heaven, the humanness of my being would argue the opposite.
I will be the first to admit how hard it is to be satisfied with God knowing me even if no one else does. I understand humans fail and should not be who I turn to for my worth or value, but to be alone and disregarded on this earth is one of the most heart breaking feelings a human could experience. I have spoken with widows who have said, "When my kids went back home and I woke up without him by my side for the first time in decades, I didn't even know who I was apart from him anymore." I have had a friend tell me, "She walked out and took the kids. I couldn't stop her. For years I worked, provided, supported, loved, and it wasn't enough. I don't think she ever knew me and I don't know her at all, it is like we woke up one day and became strangers to each other." And I had a friend say, "My biggest fear is that no one will say my baby's name and it will be like the world never knew him. It will be like he was never known. This ultrasound is all I have to hold onto and make my mind hold on to his memory because if I don't, he was never known." The heart aches to be known and not be forgotten. I think this is meant to be embraced and not rebuked. We have this ache within us so that we treasure one another and see God in the process. As we see the treasure in those around us, we can't help but see the Creator in the created. We all reflect a piece of Him, whether we believe in Him or not.
Lately, I have learned to just curl up on Abba's lap. In those precious encounters on my Sabbath, He speaks sweetly into my heart and reminds me that I am more than known to Him. In fact, He reminds me that we go way back--more than 36 years. And He tells me of all the ways He delights in me. I wish I could stay there all day, but I have other purposes. As I get up and walk away, suddenly it doesn't matter if a single person says my name that day because the One who hung the moon knows how valuable I am and how many hairs are on my head and collected all my tears in His bottle. I have never been unknown, I have only been expecting too much from the people around me. God is the only one I need to be known by completely. He alone is all I need. When I take the time to rest in Him, then I am completely satisfied. This quest to be known is completely gone when I take the time to meet with the One who has known me since before the world began.
I have been writing on this blog openly for a couple years now and I still don't know who follows it, who reads it, or if anyone gets anything out of it. I don't know my audience, other than what country is attached to your ISP (there's a world map blogger will show me, which is actually really cool). I don't write here to be known really, but mostly to share some thoughts with someone with the hopes that they will benefit from it. I like to think my unknown readers learn something from each post. Even writing this blog doesn't satisfy this desire within me.
I have been in Waco, TX now for 2.5 years! I can't believe it. In many ways, I feel like I just moved here last week. Other days, I feel like Minnesota is a distant memory, especially snow. I have not seen snow since the first week I moved here when Texas had a snow/ice storm. I know for a fact when I do see it again I will be screaming in excitement and crying over its beauty--get ready Texans! I have a few sweet friends with whom I have formed a deep bond with in a couple of years and I can finally say I found a church home which I love. The process of connecting with these friends and this church has been very challenging and sort of painful, but I never let the challenge stop me from trying as hard as it was and as desperately the need was to become known.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." -- Jeremiah 1:5 -- This verse is used often to focus on the womb and life, but I want to take a different angle today. God, the Lord, the Creator of the world, the One who holds all things and is all things, and the One who is the Father, the Messiah and the Spirit --- He knew me before I was a tiny little bundle of chromosomes hoping to start to develop. This is a crazy thought when I think of how my parents were not even planning to have another child and my mom had just had her tubes tied! She didn't ever feel right and finally went to the doctor only to discover she was pregnant with me. Even before my parents knew their super-blended, giant-sized family of seven was going to expand to eight GOD KNEW ME. I don't want to skip over that part too quickly because when you have felt so unknown in your life and learn that before you had breath, life, or were even known by your earthly parents God knew you, it makes you drop everything and feel your heart skip a beat. This is what I have come to embrace.
I have shared before my word for 2017 is Believe. I want to "believe who God says I am, believe and stand in my identity, and believe who God is." It may be a tall order for one year, but so far it has been quite the journey. When I read this passage, I see three parts. If God knew me before I existed on this earth then my very existence is valuable to Him. If my existence is valuable to Him, then I am a treasure. If I am a treasure to God, then He must be a Treasure Chest, Treasure Hunter, and a Collector all in one. To me, this is not a verse about the existence of earthly life in a human, but about the existence of an intimate, personal God who is unlike any other gods known to man. If this God sees me as His finest gold, rarest ruby, or most glittering diamond then there's no reason for me to struggle to be known by mankind. Yet this side of heaven, the humanness of my being would argue the opposite.
I will be the first to admit how hard it is to be satisfied with God knowing me even if no one else does. I understand humans fail and should not be who I turn to for my worth or value, but to be alone and disregarded on this earth is one of the most heart breaking feelings a human could experience. I have spoken with widows who have said, "When my kids went back home and I woke up without him by my side for the first time in decades, I didn't even know who I was apart from him anymore." I have had a friend tell me, "She walked out and took the kids. I couldn't stop her. For years I worked, provided, supported, loved, and it wasn't enough. I don't think she ever knew me and I don't know her at all, it is like we woke up one day and became strangers to each other." And I had a friend say, "My biggest fear is that no one will say my baby's name and it will be like the world never knew him. It will be like he was never known. This ultrasound is all I have to hold onto and make my mind hold on to his memory because if I don't, he was never known." The heart aches to be known and not be forgotten. I think this is meant to be embraced and not rebuked. We have this ache within us so that we treasure one another and see God in the process. As we see the treasure in those around us, we can't help but see the Creator in the created. We all reflect a piece of Him, whether we believe in Him or not.
Lately, I have learned to just curl up on Abba's lap. In those precious encounters on my Sabbath, He speaks sweetly into my heart and reminds me that I am more than known to Him. In fact, He reminds me that we go way back--more than 36 years. And He tells me of all the ways He delights in me. I wish I could stay there all day, but I have other purposes. As I get up and walk away, suddenly it doesn't matter if a single person says my name that day because the One who hung the moon knows how valuable I am and how many hairs are on my head and collected all my tears in His bottle. I have never been unknown, I have only been expecting too much from the people around me. God is the only one I need to be known by completely. He alone is all I need. When I take the time to rest in Him, then I am completely satisfied. This quest to be known is completely gone when I take the time to meet with the One who has known me since before the world began.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
When God says, "Go!"
My first mission trip was a time I'll never forget. It was several years after Hurricane Katrina and I couldn't believe how much work was still left to be done and how little my country was doing for their own people. I was heartbroken hearing others criticize people for not staying, still living in an area below sea level, or mad that our country was spending money on the poor. I was heartbroken seeing people who lost everything and had nowhere to go. I also believed long ago that my first mission trip had to be in the USA because I couldn't bring myself to go to another country to help them and share Jesus there if I wasn't willing to do something in my homeland.
Being a part of Hurricane Katrina Relief efforts really made me appreciate the community of God's people. I joined a team made up of folks from California, New York, and Connecticut. I was was the only person from Minnesota and I sounded like it too! We had all sorts of demographics represented on our team as well, from people who were retired after having worked a six-figure income, to two college students, to me--a very broke, college drop-out trying to survive paycheck-to-paycheck. We united over one mission: helping to restore two homes and give the owners and their families hope.
As Hurricane Harvey plowed into the state I now live, it brought back similar feelings of the tornado in Comfrey, MN in March 1998. I was a junior in high school. Their school was the same size as mine. The town was demolished and their school was damaged. When the offer came at school to go help one day, I couldn't think twice--I signed up and went. I was able to volunteer to assist another team there that helped with interior demolishion of flooded places, mostly basements or homes who lost windows and roofs. It turned out I got to scrap carpet and tile glue off the floor of a Lutheran Church basement so that new flooring could be laid and mold wouldn't set in. It was so great to be visited by the pastor and leaders of the church and work with three other people whom I never knew before, all for the same mission. As I see damage from Hurricane Harvey, the streets look just like Comfrey, New Orleans, and Slidell streets did. If the house didn't receive a giant red X, the curb was full of all the contents within waiting to be picked up and tossed away. I saw the pictures and knew I couldn't just sit on the sidelines, I started praying for the opportunity to go and told God, "If there's a chance, let me say YES!"
This week at a young adult service I attend here in Waco, the church that puts it on had information about a service trip that would be going Saturday-Sunday this weekend! I jumped on it that night and received word today that I'm on that team! I'm really excited to be going and serving God on the team! I don't even know if I will know anyone on my teamvwhich is exciting because we are all serving with one goal and united with one mission. God is in the restoration business and as long as I am on His team, I am too!
Please join me in praying for the victims of Hurricane Harvey. Please also pray for those, like me, who are serving and giving up their weekend and days off for something bigger and better than just having a day to lay around watching netflix. God has a plan and purpose for hose of us going and there's no accident in who my teammates will be, or who I will encounter. Please pray for me to have a tender heart for the people God puts in my path and for me to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit! I'm so excited to be a part of restoring Houston, TX!
While Hurricane Irma is on the horizon, please pray for those who have already lost everything as it reaches the USA. Please also pray for Floridians who are now preparing and evacuating. It's a special place in my heart because my niece Holly and her boyfriend Jeff live in northern, inland Florida (not a coastal town). Let's pray for mercy and protection for all those in Florida!
"Go therefore....to ALL nations.... [including your own]....." ~ Jesus [added my own interpretation there!] Matthew 28:16-20
Being a part of Hurricane Katrina Relief efforts really made me appreciate the community of God's people. I joined a team made up of folks from California, New York, and Connecticut. I was was the only person from Minnesota and I sounded like it too! We had all sorts of demographics represented on our team as well, from people who were retired after having worked a six-figure income, to two college students, to me--a very broke, college drop-out trying to survive paycheck-to-paycheck. We united over one mission: helping to restore two homes and give the owners and their families hope.
As Hurricane Harvey plowed into the state I now live, it brought back similar feelings of the tornado in Comfrey, MN in March 1998. I was a junior in high school. Their school was the same size as mine. The town was demolished and their school was damaged. When the offer came at school to go help one day, I couldn't think twice--I signed up and went. I was able to volunteer to assist another team there that helped with interior demolishion of flooded places, mostly basements or homes who lost windows and roofs. It turned out I got to scrap carpet and tile glue off the floor of a Lutheran Church basement so that new flooring could be laid and mold wouldn't set in. It was so great to be visited by the pastor and leaders of the church and work with three other people whom I never knew before, all for the same mission. As I see damage from Hurricane Harvey, the streets look just like Comfrey, New Orleans, and Slidell streets did. If the house didn't receive a giant red X, the curb was full of all the contents within waiting to be picked up and tossed away. I saw the pictures and knew I couldn't just sit on the sidelines, I started praying for the opportunity to go and told God, "If there's a chance, let me say YES!"
This week at a young adult service I attend here in Waco, the church that puts it on had information about a service trip that would be going Saturday-Sunday this weekend! I jumped on it that night and received word today that I'm on that team! I'm really excited to be going and serving God on the team! I don't even know if I will know anyone on my teamvwhich is exciting because we are all serving with one goal and united with one mission. God is in the restoration business and as long as I am on His team, I am too!
Please join me in praying for the victims of Hurricane Harvey. Please also pray for those, like me, who are serving and giving up their weekend and days off for something bigger and better than just having a day to lay around watching netflix. God has a plan and purpose for hose of us going and there's no accident in who my teammates will be, or who I will encounter. Please pray for me to have a tender heart for the people God puts in my path and for me to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit! I'm so excited to be a part of restoring Houston, TX!
While Hurricane Irma is on the horizon, please pray for those who have already lost everything as it reaches the USA. Please also pray for Floridians who are now preparing and evacuating. It's a special place in my heart because my niece Holly and her boyfriend Jeff live in northern, inland Florida (not a coastal town). Let's pray for mercy and protection for all those in Florida!
"Go therefore....to ALL nations.... [including your own]....." ~ Jesus [added my own interpretation there!] Matthew 28:16-20
Saturday, August 19, 2017
Top Ten Things Treatment Did for Me
This week on my Facebook, I was reminded that I was discharged from eating disorder treatment 2 years ago. I thought I'd share the top ten things treatment did for me. Who knows, this may even turn into a submission to The Mighty.
1) Treatment opened my heart to emotions again.
For me, Binge Eating Disorder crept in back when I was going through intense trauma from sexual abuse as a 5th grader--about age 10. I ate to numb out the feelings of fear, intense sadness, and heavy anxiety while I carried this deep secret for five years. When PTSD was dealt with as a young adult, I turned to food to continue to numb out and my eating disorder intensified. Treatment showed me that emotions are relative, they can be neither good or bad. Treatment also taught me how to process those emotions and accept them. My world has been so much more complete and whole because I can feel my emotions with no shame, no regret, and confidently know what to do with them.
2) Treatment helped me to enjoy my food.
A common misconception by those with no eating disorder experience is that if you are overweight, you love food and that is the problem. Actually, this couldn't be further from the truth. It is common for someone who is overweight to have a potential eating disorder that is not diagnosed. Also, I don't know anyone with an eating disorder who would say, "I love food." In fact, in my treatment group, we all collectively admitted we were obsessed with food, but didn't necessarily 'love' it. Certain foods were enjoyable, but the obsession that the eating disorder creates in your mind actually creates a lot of anxiety around food. Before treatment, I thought about food about 90% of the time. If I wasn't thinking about my next meal, I was thinking about my next binge, or if I had enough food for the day or week. I would over-purchase at the grocery store regularly because I would be afraid I wouldn't have what I needed, when I needed it--especially if I needed to binge. Now, thanks to meal planning, I can confidently structure my meals and purchase what I need. I can enjoy the meals I create, or my time eating out fully because I'm not preoccupied with the reason I am eating. Instead, I know when I'm hungry and can easily identify what I'm hungry for. I can enjoy food for what it was meant for: nourishment and enjoyment.
3) Treatment gave me the support I needed.
Like many with an eating disorder, those closest to me didn't really understand. After years of dealing with binge eating disorder, I was extremely overweight and everyone around me thought the issue was laziness, a poor diet, or apathy. The first day of my outpatient treatment group, I was terrified. I wanted to run out the door so badly, but I was able to fight the urges. I had opened myself up to my therapist too and she challenged me to stick it out. I'm so glad I did! I can't tell you how many times someone else shared something and one of us would reply, "You too?! I thought I was the only one who did that, felt that, or thought that!" It was really a relief every week to learn that you're not crazy and that this is definitely more than a dieting issue, it is a mental illness that needs to be treated.
4) Treatment equipped me for my future.
Before treatment, I was so consumed in the present and the past that I couldn't make a single goal. I couldn't think about my future, or my dreams. In fact, my dreams were always prefaced with When I reach my goal weight, or If I ever stop spending so much money on binges, then I could --neither would ever happen. Treatment gave me tools to fight my urges to binge, ways to restructure my thought process and intercept the lies or beliefs that were derailing me for so long. Now I am able to feel emotions as they come and process changes in life that only effect me for a moment, not derail my entire year. This means I have been able to set financial goals and meet them since I'm no longer spending money on binges. I also have been able to set goals for my career and education that before I wasn't able to think about, such as making plans to go back to college Fall of 2018 to complete my Bachelor's degree.
5) Treatment strengthened my confidence.
I was the most anxiety driven person I knew when I started treatment. If I felt scared, I would just not do it, not go there, or stop whatever it was that caused the anxiety. Treatment helped me to identify lies I was believing about other people, the world, and myself. Then, I was able to unpack the lies and get to the truth instead. I was also able to identify where the lies came from originally. The result of all of this has helped me to be a much more confident person in my relationships, my job, and in every day life. If something triggers my anxiety, I'm able to process my way through it and look back later on if it was a accurate fear or not. It has completely transformed my life.
6) Treatment allowed me to get to know the real me.
I was no longer controlled by my obsession with food. I was also no longer letting fears control me. As I learned to process and deal with my emotions in a healthy way, I awakened to a greater sense of self and the person I wanted to be than I ever had before. I also learned that, naturally, I am introverted and so I'm a little bit cautious around others in general. I also was able to identify strengths I didn't even know I had and weaknesses that I let dictate my every day life. As I have identified my weaknesses, I have be able to work them out so that they are not usually destructive and, instead, seek help and guidance when the need arises.
7) Treatment helped me find my voice again.
Boundaries were such a foreign concept before treatment. I could never have the confidence and courage to set them, let alone follow through with them. Treatment helped me see that I am a person who is valuable and should set boundaries around toxic relationships, or even just day-to-day structures with my time, work-life balance, and my own desires. I learned I didn't have to be everything for everybody, or a doormat to those who do not value me as a person. I was able to speak up and say, "No." I was also able to set my own parameters when it came to my interests and hobbies with regards to time management. This is something that was huge for me, especially since I have a complex trauma background. It has been a hard road to get to this point, but it was worth it.
8) Treatment restored my hope.
Anyone who struggles with Binge Eating Disorder will tell you, it is not easy to live your life centered around the binge-eating cycle. I can look back over the years before treatment and I can honestly say I was so hopeless I was just living for the next binge, much like a drug addict would say they were living for the next high. Let me be clear that a binge is not a "cheat" meal, or "a few extra bites" either. Binges are different for everyone, but what sets them apart for the eating disorder classification is that they are high quantities of food consumed in a really short amount of time. My binges were around 10pm-1am and lasted about 1 hour. During my binges, I would consume 1500-3500 calories, which was on top of my very strict 1500 calorie diet during the day. On paper, it looked great because I never ever recorded my binges and never admitted to anyone else they existed. Treatment allowed me to open up this deep, shameful secret to another and restore hope that had been gone for decades. As I worked through my eating disorder struggles, I was able to find a purpose for living again and no longer felt my life was controlled by my eating disorder. This unleashed a powerful hope in me that is so empowering and refreshing. I can actually say I love my life and love being alive.
9) Treatment gave me a heart for others.
I did outpatient group treatment for 16 weeks. It was 3 hours a week and consisted of 1 hour of cognitive behavior therapy, 1 hour of dietician work, and 1 hour of physical therapy. It was also required that we met with our individual therapist weekly for 1 hour and our individual dietician for 30 minutes. I worked with my therapist and dietician three months before and three months after treatment. The whole process was nearly 1 year. During this year, I was able to listen to other people's stories and how their eating disorder affected them. I was able to celebrate their successes, cry with them, and support them. Our group dropped in number from start to finish, but those of us who remained were so thankful we were not alone. It was so helpful to know that others were committed to the group and were trustworthy. I was able to put words to things I never could tell anyone before. My heart grew two sizes because I was able to see past my own fears and struggles in order to support others going through the same thing I was. Now my heart aches for those who are just starting their treatment journey because I know first hand how terrifying that road is. It is worth it to me to share my story in the hopes that others would start their treatment journey so they can one day share their story too.
10) Treatment gave me recovery.
I am fortunate to have come this far. I'm in the recovery relapse prevention phase forever I feel because every day I have to wake up and make a choice to stay recovered. I can't recall a day where I don't have something trigger a binge. I have had moments were I went to bed early because the urge to binge was so strong, if I stayed up I was not sure I could fight it in my fatigue. I have had days were three or four times I was tempted to gave in. On one occasion, I actually went to the grocery store to by food for a binge, only to park my car in the parking lot and call a friend instead. I have been binge-free for 2 years, 8 months, and 30 days (1003 days total). Every day I have had to choose recovery, fight for recovery, and live out recovery. It has not been easy, but I know I would not have gotten this far without treatment and for that I am grateful.
1) Treatment opened my heart to emotions again.
For me, Binge Eating Disorder crept in back when I was going through intense trauma from sexual abuse as a 5th grader--about age 10. I ate to numb out the feelings of fear, intense sadness, and heavy anxiety while I carried this deep secret for five years. When PTSD was dealt with as a young adult, I turned to food to continue to numb out and my eating disorder intensified. Treatment showed me that emotions are relative, they can be neither good or bad. Treatment also taught me how to process those emotions and accept them. My world has been so much more complete and whole because I can feel my emotions with no shame, no regret, and confidently know what to do with them.
2) Treatment helped me to enjoy my food.
A common misconception by those with no eating disorder experience is that if you are overweight, you love food and that is the problem. Actually, this couldn't be further from the truth. It is common for someone who is overweight to have a potential eating disorder that is not diagnosed. Also, I don't know anyone with an eating disorder who would say, "I love food." In fact, in my treatment group, we all collectively admitted we were obsessed with food, but didn't necessarily 'love' it. Certain foods were enjoyable, but the obsession that the eating disorder creates in your mind actually creates a lot of anxiety around food. Before treatment, I thought about food about 90% of the time. If I wasn't thinking about my next meal, I was thinking about my next binge, or if I had enough food for the day or week. I would over-purchase at the grocery store regularly because I would be afraid I wouldn't have what I needed, when I needed it--especially if I needed to binge. Now, thanks to meal planning, I can confidently structure my meals and purchase what I need. I can enjoy the meals I create, or my time eating out fully because I'm not preoccupied with the reason I am eating. Instead, I know when I'm hungry and can easily identify what I'm hungry for. I can enjoy food for what it was meant for: nourishment and enjoyment.
3) Treatment gave me the support I needed.
Like many with an eating disorder, those closest to me didn't really understand. After years of dealing with binge eating disorder, I was extremely overweight and everyone around me thought the issue was laziness, a poor diet, or apathy. The first day of my outpatient treatment group, I was terrified. I wanted to run out the door so badly, but I was able to fight the urges. I had opened myself up to my therapist too and she challenged me to stick it out. I'm so glad I did! I can't tell you how many times someone else shared something and one of us would reply, "You too?! I thought I was the only one who did that, felt that, or thought that!" It was really a relief every week to learn that you're not crazy and that this is definitely more than a dieting issue, it is a mental illness that needs to be treated.
4) Treatment equipped me for my future.
Before treatment, I was so consumed in the present and the past that I couldn't make a single goal. I couldn't think about my future, or my dreams. In fact, my dreams were always prefaced with When I reach my goal weight, or If I ever stop spending so much money on binges, then I could --neither would ever happen. Treatment gave me tools to fight my urges to binge, ways to restructure my thought process and intercept the lies or beliefs that were derailing me for so long. Now I am able to feel emotions as they come and process changes in life that only effect me for a moment, not derail my entire year. This means I have been able to set financial goals and meet them since I'm no longer spending money on binges. I also have been able to set goals for my career and education that before I wasn't able to think about, such as making plans to go back to college Fall of 2018 to complete my Bachelor's degree.
5) Treatment strengthened my confidence.
I was the most anxiety driven person I knew when I started treatment. If I felt scared, I would just not do it, not go there, or stop whatever it was that caused the anxiety. Treatment helped me to identify lies I was believing about other people, the world, and myself. Then, I was able to unpack the lies and get to the truth instead. I was also able to identify where the lies came from originally. The result of all of this has helped me to be a much more confident person in my relationships, my job, and in every day life. If something triggers my anxiety, I'm able to process my way through it and look back later on if it was a accurate fear or not. It has completely transformed my life.
6) Treatment allowed me to get to know the real me.
I was no longer controlled by my obsession with food. I was also no longer letting fears control me. As I learned to process and deal with my emotions in a healthy way, I awakened to a greater sense of self and the person I wanted to be than I ever had before. I also learned that, naturally, I am introverted and so I'm a little bit cautious around others in general. I also was able to identify strengths I didn't even know I had and weaknesses that I let dictate my every day life. As I have identified my weaknesses, I have be able to work them out so that they are not usually destructive and, instead, seek help and guidance when the need arises.
7) Treatment helped me find my voice again.
Boundaries were such a foreign concept before treatment. I could never have the confidence and courage to set them, let alone follow through with them. Treatment helped me see that I am a person who is valuable and should set boundaries around toxic relationships, or even just day-to-day structures with my time, work-life balance, and my own desires. I learned I didn't have to be everything for everybody, or a doormat to those who do not value me as a person. I was able to speak up and say, "No." I was also able to set my own parameters when it came to my interests and hobbies with regards to time management. This is something that was huge for me, especially since I have a complex trauma background. It has been a hard road to get to this point, but it was worth it.
8) Treatment restored my hope.
Anyone who struggles with Binge Eating Disorder will tell you, it is not easy to live your life centered around the binge-eating cycle. I can look back over the years before treatment and I can honestly say I was so hopeless I was just living for the next binge, much like a drug addict would say they were living for the next high. Let me be clear that a binge is not a "cheat" meal, or "a few extra bites" either. Binges are different for everyone, but what sets them apart for the eating disorder classification is that they are high quantities of food consumed in a really short amount of time. My binges were around 10pm-1am and lasted about 1 hour. During my binges, I would consume 1500-3500 calories, which was on top of my very strict 1500 calorie diet during the day. On paper, it looked great because I never ever recorded my binges and never admitted to anyone else they existed. Treatment allowed me to open up this deep, shameful secret to another and restore hope that had been gone for decades. As I worked through my eating disorder struggles, I was able to find a purpose for living again and no longer felt my life was controlled by my eating disorder. This unleashed a powerful hope in me that is so empowering and refreshing. I can actually say I love my life and love being alive.
9) Treatment gave me a heart for others.
I did outpatient group treatment for 16 weeks. It was 3 hours a week and consisted of 1 hour of cognitive behavior therapy, 1 hour of dietician work, and 1 hour of physical therapy. It was also required that we met with our individual therapist weekly for 1 hour and our individual dietician for 30 minutes. I worked with my therapist and dietician three months before and three months after treatment. The whole process was nearly 1 year. During this year, I was able to listen to other people's stories and how their eating disorder affected them. I was able to celebrate their successes, cry with them, and support them. Our group dropped in number from start to finish, but those of us who remained were so thankful we were not alone. It was so helpful to know that others were committed to the group and were trustworthy. I was able to put words to things I never could tell anyone before. My heart grew two sizes because I was able to see past my own fears and struggles in order to support others going through the same thing I was. Now my heart aches for those who are just starting their treatment journey because I know first hand how terrifying that road is. It is worth it to me to share my story in the hopes that others would start their treatment journey so they can one day share their story too.
10) Treatment gave me recovery.
I am fortunate to have come this far. I'm in the recovery relapse prevention phase forever I feel because every day I have to wake up and make a choice to stay recovered. I can't recall a day where I don't have something trigger a binge. I have had moments were I went to bed early because the urge to binge was so strong, if I stayed up I was not sure I could fight it in my fatigue. I have had days were three or four times I was tempted to gave in. On one occasion, I actually went to the grocery store to by food for a binge, only to park my car in the parking lot and call a friend instead. I have been binge-free for 2 years, 8 months, and 30 days (1003 days total). Every day I have had to choose recovery, fight for recovery, and live out recovery. It has not been easy, but I know I would not have gotten this far without treatment and for that I am grateful.
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Laying My Isaac Down
I have no doubt the title of this blog is a phrase you have heard before. Perhaps you have a very personal experience with this phrase yourself. For those who do not know the story the phrase comes from, let me sum it up. Genesis Chapter 22 talks about Abe and Sarah and their promised child, Isaac. They were an old couple and barren, but God spoke and vowed a child through whom Abe would become the father of many nations. The child promised was Isaac. Fast forward to Isaac being around the age of a "young teenager" most likely, although the Bible doesn't specifically say. Abe and Isaac go to a mountain to worship God. God had asked Abe to sacrifice Isaac, and basically he was about to until God provided the ram. Abe told Isaac before hand that God would provide the ram. I believe Abe believed God would show up and he wouldn't have to sacrifice his only son, but it took until the knife was raised for God to stop Abe with the ram. It is a Bible story that some find very unsettling, and otherS find a glorious parallel to the promised Messiah. I have always felt a bit of both. On one hand, it is amazing God provided and Abe obeyed to the end. On the other hand, what a crazy thing for God to ask of a Dad?! But when I look at the story closer and replace myself with Abe, it doesn't sound too crazy. I am already on my own Abraham Journey, so why wouldn't God ask me to sacrifice my 'Isaac' too?!
I have been silent on this blog for a few months while life got overwhelming and hard. I am fully able to write while I feel overwhelmed, but this was different. This time was a season of really asking God where He was and struggling to trust. I love my Texas life and my Abraham Journey, but it has been so hard! Part of what has really been a struggle is turning 36 this summer and officially being in my mid-thirties still single. I joke a lot now when people ask, "are you married?" "Nope! I'm Super Single! **doo-too-doo!!**" (I make a Super Hero stance for added affect.) I get a few laughs, but I will be honest and say that I'm really not joking. This summer I have had to pay for all my expenses in my apartment for 2 months until my new roommate moved in, have had to decide to leave a job for another job that is something I have never done before and don't even know if I will be able to be successful at, make a few financial decisions and cancel a few things I had grown accustomed to having just so I could live in my budget, I have had to purchase a different car, insure the car, and trust that my income will cover the added expenses. To be truthful, every month I feel like I am a Super Hero as a single woman. I did my own maintenance even and hung up my new shower rod, which I am not sure will work out long-term but it hasn't fallen yet so maybe it will! So many times this summer I have felt lonely, painfully lonely if I am honest. I am an introvert, which surprises a lot of people. I am an INFJ for you M-B types, so basically I am an introvert who knows how to converse with others, but engaging with others doesn't give me life--it actually sucks the life out of me! This summer I have actually challenged myself to put myself out there two days at a time followed by a introvert-to-the-max day. It has helped me fight the feelings of loneliness and isolation, but they are still there a little bit. And it was about a month ago that I realized being married was my Isaac, which I needed to lay down.
It is encouraged by many that a single woman should pray for her husband, prepare to be a housewife, start a career you're willing to put on hold when you are starting a family with your husband, and know all there is about children. I cringe at these expectations the church still expects women to do. When you're 36 there are no longer expectations, but assumed reasons why you're still single and, let's be honest, they are not positive assumptions. I can say I gave up chasing what "they" said I should do, live, and think long ago--and you should too. While I don't agree with kissing dating good-bye, I do believe I have had to lay down my desire for a husband on the altar in order to live fully in the present for God.
People mean well when they say, "Oh you'll be next." (I have been next about 20 times since 2004.) They mean well when they say, "Just pray for your hasband, he will show up soon." (I have prayed, fasted, and been engaged twice to two different men.) This summer, I was told, "Focus on God and He will give you the desires of your heart." (I have been focused on God since I was saved in 1996.) I would like to say to "them": There is not a single thing I can do to fulfill my desire for a husband anymore than you could make sure everyone you love was in Heaven. And this is what God has shown me this summer: God is still good in all seasons, whether or not I am ever married.
Over my birthday, I was in Bemidji, Minnesota. I was in a boat with some friends looking out at a beautiful lake God made and was overwhelmed with the desire to have a special someone to lean on and share the moment with. I started to think about aging alone, with no husband or children of my own. My thoughts quickly fast-forward to being the person in the nursing home that was alone, never visited, and never cared about even in their death. (Yes, my thoughts can quickly go to the worst scenario when my emotions get the best of me.) As I was about to get a bit depressed, I heard God say, "Will you just lay it down already?!"
It has taken my a few weeks to be able to put words to the process, but I can say I have finally done so. I have prayed a huge prayer full of the desires of my heart and then, laid it at Jesus' feet with the promise of never picking it up again. Yes, my final prayer as a single woman for my husband was uttered. And my last tears of begging and crying out for God to honor my request were shed. And I left the wedding plans, the family plans, and all the childhood dreams of my wedding day on the altar with the Mrs Degree that skipped me in college as well. Instead, I have accepted my life now to live fully for Him.
I will still have to navigate the practicals on my solo income, still have to make my own decisions, and will still have moments of utter loneliness. I didn't lay my Isaac down so that I could pick up something else. I laid it down so I could trust God fully and completely, even if I am single until the day that I die; even if I am that old lady in the nursing home with no family. Following God and His will for my life is far greater than a promised love, or a family of my own. I don't follow God for what I can get out of it, but simply for what He has done for me. Even if He never fulfills my biggest dream and one of His special promises to me, He has still done far more for me than I could ever expect and ask for. Therefore, in ALL things and EVERY season, I give thanks and praise.
I have laid my Isaac down. God Himself will provide. Amen.
I have been silent on this blog for a few months while life got overwhelming and hard. I am fully able to write while I feel overwhelmed, but this was different. This time was a season of really asking God where He was and struggling to trust. I love my Texas life and my Abraham Journey, but it has been so hard! Part of what has really been a struggle is turning 36 this summer and officially being in my mid-thirties still single. I joke a lot now when people ask, "are you married?" "Nope! I'm Super Single! **doo-too-doo!!**" (I make a Super Hero stance for added affect.) I get a few laughs, but I will be honest and say that I'm really not joking. This summer I have had to pay for all my expenses in my apartment for 2 months until my new roommate moved in, have had to decide to leave a job for another job that is something I have never done before and don't even know if I will be able to be successful at, make a few financial decisions and cancel a few things I had grown accustomed to having just so I could live in my budget, I have had to purchase a different car, insure the car, and trust that my income will cover the added expenses. To be truthful, every month I feel like I am a Super Hero as a single woman. I did my own maintenance even and hung up my new shower rod, which I am not sure will work out long-term but it hasn't fallen yet so maybe it will! So many times this summer I have felt lonely, painfully lonely if I am honest. I am an introvert, which surprises a lot of people. I am an INFJ for you M-B types, so basically I am an introvert who knows how to converse with others, but engaging with others doesn't give me life--it actually sucks the life out of me! This summer I have actually challenged myself to put myself out there two days at a time followed by a introvert-to-the-max day. It has helped me fight the feelings of loneliness and isolation, but they are still there a little bit. And it was about a month ago that I realized being married was my Isaac, which I needed to lay down.
It is encouraged by many that a single woman should pray for her husband, prepare to be a housewife, start a career you're willing to put on hold when you are starting a family with your husband, and know all there is about children. I cringe at these expectations the church still expects women to do. When you're 36 there are no longer expectations, but assumed reasons why you're still single and, let's be honest, they are not positive assumptions. I can say I gave up chasing what "they" said I should do, live, and think long ago--and you should too. While I don't agree with kissing dating good-bye, I do believe I have had to lay down my desire for a husband on the altar in order to live fully in the present for God.
People mean well when they say, "Oh you'll be next." (I have been next about 20 times since 2004.) They mean well when they say, "Just pray for your hasband, he will show up soon." (I have prayed, fasted, and been engaged twice to two different men.) This summer, I was told, "Focus on God and He will give you the desires of your heart." (I have been focused on God since I was saved in 1996.) I would like to say to "them": There is not a single thing I can do to fulfill my desire for a husband anymore than you could make sure everyone you love was in Heaven. And this is what God has shown me this summer: God is still good in all seasons, whether or not I am ever married.
Over my birthday, I was in Bemidji, Minnesota. I was in a boat with some friends looking out at a beautiful lake God made and was overwhelmed with the desire to have a special someone to lean on and share the moment with. I started to think about aging alone, with no husband or children of my own. My thoughts quickly fast-forward to being the person in the nursing home that was alone, never visited, and never cared about even in their death. (Yes, my thoughts can quickly go to the worst scenario when my emotions get the best of me.) As I was about to get a bit depressed, I heard God say, "Will you just lay it down already?!"
It has taken my a few weeks to be able to put words to the process, but I can say I have finally done so. I have prayed a huge prayer full of the desires of my heart and then, laid it at Jesus' feet with the promise of never picking it up again. Yes, my final prayer as a single woman for my husband was uttered. And my last tears of begging and crying out for God to honor my request were shed. And I left the wedding plans, the family plans, and all the childhood dreams of my wedding day on the altar with the Mrs Degree that skipped me in college as well. Instead, I have accepted my life now to live fully for Him.
I will still have to navigate the practicals on my solo income, still have to make my own decisions, and will still have moments of utter loneliness. I didn't lay my Isaac down so that I could pick up something else. I laid it down so I could trust God fully and completely, even if I am single until the day that I die; even if I am that old lady in the nursing home with no family. Following God and His will for my life is far greater than a promised love, or a family of my own. I don't follow God for what I can get out of it, but simply for what He has done for me. Even if He never fulfills my biggest dream and one of His special promises to me, He has still done far more for me than I could ever expect and ask for. Therefore, in ALL things and EVERY season, I give thanks and praise.
I have laid my Isaac down. God Himself will provide. Amen.
Thursday, June 1, 2017
Broken, Battered, and Hope-Full
My present job is working at a domestic violence shelter. I almost hesitate to tell people where I work because it always brings a response of, "Wow! I could NEVER do that! You must be so special!" or "Wow! What an incredible difference you make!" Thing is, when it is your life . . . it doesn't feel like I'm that special, or that a huge difference is made--at least not at my ground-level vision. In fact, just like my group home jobs of the past when I supported adults and children with special needs and intellectual disabilities, I would cringe at the comments of how "only special people can do that work," and try hard to restrain myself from my speech of inclusiveness. Anyways . . .
As I take a hotline call, or complete an intake, or work to resolve an issue for one of these people I serve, my heart aches very often for them. There's a level of connection in how I see myself years ago in their eyes, but for entirely different reasons. My PTSD and past struggles does not compare in the least and does not negate their experiences, but I can see the raw reality of what abuse does in just their eyes.
Broken. When I see, or hear the tears and the fears and the confusion of what to do . . . I see myself years ago. A part of my current journey I am on has been meeting with my counselor and plodding through the muck to get to better ground. In many ways my brokenness has just been patched up or left as-is. Those are the areas I'm choosing to focus on, which is not easy. My eating disorder treatment shed light on my lack of emotional intelligence, for example. A recent reflection on the fruit of the spirit showed me how I have a high level of patience to a fault, but severely lack gentleness and peace is forever fleeting because the undertow of anxiety that my past has brought prevents me from tranquility and calmness. I can see these things in their eyes and I wish I could do more than just give them a place to lay their head for a short period of time. I also think of who saw it in my eyes and how they helped me and I wonder, years later, if this chance meeting for an hour will have been so impactful that they remember. You never really know the impact you're making or you have made in someone's life.
Battered. I could get into the physical hurt I see come into the doors, but that's not mine to share. Instead, I hear it in a voice and see it in the eyes. Hurt people bleed in other ways than physically and it is very hard to not let it take your breath away. So many people would find it easy to deny seeing, or even push those people away. Like the homeless panhandlers on the side of the road, which is so common to see in Waco. They stand for hours with a sign they reuse and avoid eye contact with you because looking into the eyes reveals the bruises of the heart. I am reminded how I used to avoid eye contact, sometimes I still do, because the person may see too much of what I don't want anyone to see. I'd love to say, "God sees what you went through," but it is not my place. Instead, I live out what I believe in my actions . . . the quote by an unknown person rings true, "Preach the Gospel at all times, sometimes use words." There's also a reality that we all have a certain amount of a battered heart, but for many different reasons. It can be so easy for us to dismiss one reason and embrace others but our denial of the cause does not negate the reality of it for that person. I know because so many in my life had denied the reality of my own causes. Sometimes I think it is easier for people to deny the cause because acknowledging it challenges their worldview and beliefs. I remember a time when it challenged mine so much that I actually wrestled with Christianity and whether or not I still believed in this God--even in spite of the battered heart I had. I was angry, but some how I actually never dealt with anger towards God like many often do. Instead, I felt abandoned. I don't know which is worse, but I can tell you the pain of feeling like the God you believed in abandoned you and I hope you never are in that place; it is a dark, lonely, evil place. I am thankful though for having been there because I realized Who God really is and reconciled my pain and the tension a battered heart can have with a Good God who loves me.
Hope-full. There's a glimpse sometimes I see in these people at work where hope seems gone. Whether it is life that's beat them down, or the abuser or their circumstances hope seems gone. Sometimes it takes one person to help them form a goal that ignites in them a flicker of hope again. This takes me back to days deep in my PTSD and depression where life was happiless, hopeless, and helpless--not worth living at all. There's a darkness that overcasts you when you have lost hope and it is so hard to see in someone. Then, I think of the people who broke through that for me and reached out to me and shared a hope they had. In my case, the Gospel was shared with me by a 9th grade classmate named Kelly. In college, another person that broke through the hopeless veil was Pastor Fred. And later on in my 20s it was a great therapist named Julie. These three people broke through moments of hopelessness in my life where the darkness could have won and overtaken, but for their hope lighting a glimmer in my heart it didn't. So I find myself intentionally working to increase my hope more than I had yesterday so that I have enough to ignite a tiny glimmer in one person at work. I need to be hope-FULL so that someone could become hopeful.
This is just one piece of my present life right now while I'm here on this Abraham Journey. I enjoy it, and I know it has nothing to do with me and how "special" I am, but everything to do with the fact that I am called to make the most of every moment and preach the gospel at all times--even in my actions.
As I take a hotline call, or complete an intake, or work to resolve an issue for one of these people I serve, my heart aches very often for them. There's a level of connection in how I see myself years ago in their eyes, but for entirely different reasons. My PTSD and past struggles does not compare in the least and does not negate their experiences, but I can see the raw reality of what abuse does in just their eyes.
Broken. When I see, or hear the tears and the fears and the confusion of what to do . . . I see myself years ago. A part of my current journey I am on has been meeting with my counselor and plodding through the muck to get to better ground. In many ways my brokenness has just been patched up or left as-is. Those are the areas I'm choosing to focus on, which is not easy. My eating disorder treatment shed light on my lack of emotional intelligence, for example. A recent reflection on the fruit of the spirit showed me how I have a high level of patience to a fault, but severely lack gentleness and peace is forever fleeting because the undertow of anxiety that my past has brought prevents me from tranquility and calmness. I can see these things in their eyes and I wish I could do more than just give them a place to lay their head for a short period of time. I also think of who saw it in my eyes and how they helped me and I wonder, years later, if this chance meeting for an hour will have been so impactful that they remember. You never really know the impact you're making or you have made in someone's life.
Battered. I could get into the physical hurt I see come into the doors, but that's not mine to share. Instead, I hear it in a voice and see it in the eyes. Hurt people bleed in other ways than physically and it is very hard to not let it take your breath away. So many people would find it easy to deny seeing, or even push those people away. Like the homeless panhandlers on the side of the road, which is so common to see in Waco. They stand for hours with a sign they reuse and avoid eye contact with you because looking into the eyes reveals the bruises of the heart. I am reminded how I used to avoid eye contact, sometimes I still do, because the person may see too much of what I don't want anyone to see. I'd love to say, "God sees what you went through," but it is not my place. Instead, I live out what I believe in my actions . . . the quote by an unknown person rings true, "Preach the Gospel at all times, sometimes use words." There's also a reality that we all have a certain amount of a battered heart, but for many different reasons. It can be so easy for us to dismiss one reason and embrace others but our denial of the cause does not negate the reality of it for that person. I know because so many in my life had denied the reality of my own causes. Sometimes I think it is easier for people to deny the cause because acknowledging it challenges their worldview and beliefs. I remember a time when it challenged mine so much that I actually wrestled with Christianity and whether or not I still believed in this God--even in spite of the battered heart I had. I was angry, but some how I actually never dealt with anger towards God like many often do. Instead, I felt abandoned. I don't know which is worse, but I can tell you the pain of feeling like the God you believed in abandoned you and I hope you never are in that place; it is a dark, lonely, evil place. I am thankful though for having been there because I realized Who God really is and reconciled my pain and the tension a battered heart can have with a Good God who loves me.
Hope-full. There's a glimpse sometimes I see in these people at work where hope seems gone. Whether it is life that's beat them down, or the abuser or their circumstances hope seems gone. Sometimes it takes one person to help them form a goal that ignites in them a flicker of hope again. This takes me back to days deep in my PTSD and depression where life was happiless, hopeless, and helpless--not worth living at all. There's a darkness that overcasts you when you have lost hope and it is so hard to see in someone. Then, I think of the people who broke through that for me and reached out to me and shared a hope they had. In my case, the Gospel was shared with me by a 9th grade classmate named Kelly. In college, another person that broke through the hopeless veil was Pastor Fred. And later on in my 20s it was a great therapist named Julie. These three people broke through moments of hopelessness in my life where the darkness could have won and overtaken, but for their hope lighting a glimmer in my heart it didn't. So I find myself intentionally working to increase my hope more than I had yesterday so that I have enough to ignite a tiny glimmer in one person at work. I need to be hope-FULL so that someone could become hopeful.
This is just one piece of my present life right now while I'm here on this Abraham Journey. I enjoy it, and I know it has nothing to do with me and how "special" I am, but everything to do with the fact that I am called to make the most of every moment and preach the gospel at all times--even in my actions.
Monday, March 6, 2017
When the Fog Lifts
For several decades it has been common for me to have a sort of fog hang over my head from October-February. In recent years it hasn't been nearly as thick as it was this year. I think a combination of not having a significant connection to a church family and not having any family event here in Texas made this year incredibly difficult. Still, I managed to be present at a Thanksgiving Day event and a Christmas one as well. It was hard on Christmas, so I had to decide to forgo one invite because it was just too much and I developed a cold that, strangely, was better the next day. I have noticed the past several weeks a newly found energy and excitement for life that seemed to have vanished during the foggy months.
In the middle of all of this was the start of a new year. This is the third year I have picked a word for the year. 2015 was "complete" and 2016 was "goals." This time around, I picked the word "believe." It seems to fit nicely with several things I am struggling with, along with things I feel led to focus on this year.
When fog lifts, there's this wetness you see on the grass, vehicles, and sometimes even the cement has a wet hue. I am noticing this within myself as well. There's a greater tenderness inside me and I find myself weeping over the silliest things. My newly adopted cat, Vivienne, is one that makes me get teary-eyed often, mostly because my heart swells for love for her. I also get teary-eyed over different revelations I have been having, especially when it comes to changes with different friendships and relationships I have had.
There's also this relief that happens as well, especially if you're navigating through the fog and suddenly come out the other side. The clarity with which you can see is nearly unbelievable in contrast with the blinding thickness you were just in. I feel like this is also true for me. It seems like this past fog season, I was heavily confused and unsure about many things. I even started wondering if living in Texas still was wise for me. I had a job change during it as well after having my hours cut severely and surprisingly by my employer at the time for no clear reason. I also have developed new friendships and let go of some others. Additionally, I have received clarity on what I do and do not want to be a part of, as well as what I want to allow within my home.
The most important thing coming out of this fog is a newly formed strength to begin to see myself with God's eyes. I'm not where I need to be with it, but I am a lot further than I ever have been. When I have encountered statements that are not true, or lies from Satan, I have been able to call it out. Now, I'm more determined to fight back with the Truth. I have also been about to set and keep boundaries I never thought I was worthy of enforcing before.
Fog is thick. It is scary. It is blinding. It slows you down. I'm always thankful when it lifts this time of year, but even more so this year.
In the middle of all of this was the start of a new year. This is the third year I have picked a word for the year. 2015 was "complete" and 2016 was "goals." This time around, I picked the word "believe." It seems to fit nicely with several things I am struggling with, along with things I feel led to focus on this year.
When fog lifts, there's this wetness you see on the grass, vehicles, and sometimes even the cement has a wet hue. I am noticing this within myself as well. There's a greater tenderness inside me and I find myself weeping over the silliest things. My newly adopted cat, Vivienne, is one that makes me get teary-eyed often, mostly because my heart swells for love for her. I also get teary-eyed over different revelations I have been having, especially when it comes to changes with different friendships and relationships I have had.
There's also this relief that happens as well, especially if you're navigating through the fog and suddenly come out the other side. The clarity with which you can see is nearly unbelievable in contrast with the blinding thickness you were just in. I feel like this is also true for me. It seems like this past fog season, I was heavily confused and unsure about many things. I even started wondering if living in Texas still was wise for me. I had a job change during it as well after having my hours cut severely and surprisingly by my employer at the time for no clear reason. I also have developed new friendships and let go of some others. Additionally, I have received clarity on what I do and do not want to be a part of, as well as what I want to allow within my home.
The most important thing coming out of this fog is a newly formed strength to begin to see myself with God's eyes. I'm not where I need to be with it, but I am a lot further than I ever have been. When I have encountered statements that are not true, or lies from Satan, I have been able to call it out. Now, I'm more determined to fight back with the Truth. I have also been about to set and keep boundaries I never thought I was worthy of enforcing before.
Fog is thick. It is scary. It is blinding. It slows you down. I'm always thankful when it lifts this time of year, but even more so this year.
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