I haven't posted in quite a few months. I haven't really even written in my journal very much to be honest. There's been so much that's happened already this year that I'm exhausted immediately when I realize it is just May!
In my last post, I discussed my word for 2018: Trust. When God gave me this word for the year, I thought I would be given reminders of how He is trustworthy. I expected the warm, fuzzy feelings that you get when you think of God loving you, God having your back, and God caring about you. I didn't expect actual opportunities to test me in my trust of God, nor did I expect life on earth to feel challenging, and I certainly didn't expect to have contradicting feelings come while I was solid spiritually.
The year started with a major health event. I had a ton of symptoms and was in agonizing pain, so I finally when to a specialist. Lots of blood work, expensive testings, a procedure, and finally I was given a clear diagnosis. I have PCOS and it wasn't treated properly for probably a solid decade, so my body was revolting. The first three months were the hardest months I have had in quite a long time, but I knew God was trustworthy and that, no matter the outcome of all the tests, He was still good. He isn't just good when I feel great, but even when life, health, and major decisions of your future could be permanently impacted in ways that you never expected. I was surrounded by others who trusted the same God I did and it felt amazing to have support, help, and so much prayer from people who I know believe God is trustworthy as well. This helped tremendously because, in the moments of fear, anxiety, and doubt, I had a tribe standing in the gaps where I lacked. Looking back, God used this period to show me that I can trust Him to provide support for me when I would normally have no one. I was reminded once again how important it is to be a part of a church in such a way that you're known, loved, and people can surround you when you need them too. I'm still recovering from everything because my labs are not quite where they need to be, but are improving. I joke with friends that I have this exhaustion fog that follows me all day, but in a few months that's supposed to improve.
I have had plenty of opportunities to advocate for myself this year as well. For many, this is an easy thing to do, but as a person with a trauma history every single chance to advocate for myself is utterly terrifying. I had several situations occur that were not okay on any level and I had to stand up for what was right. I had to make a choice to use my voice to protect others, defend myself, and ensure situations didn't get repeated. There was a solid month where I kept telling myself, "You don't have to do this alone. God is trustworthy and goes before you." I would recite this mantra aloud, or in my head during moments of anxiety, fear, or the middle of the night when I woke up in bed and thought "Oh my gosh, what the heck did I do?!" Here I was strong in my faith in God, but my human nature was almost equally strong in fearing the circumstances and outcomes. When Paul talks about the flesh and how he "does what he doesn't want to do, but knows what he should do," I almost always think of my anxiety. "Do not be anxious for anything . . . " a command many are quick to recite, but to trust God is going before you and "working all things for your good and His glory" while being anxious is a war of the flesh and spirit. It's made me thankful to know God knows my heart and knows while I may have bouts of anxiety, they are not because I'm doubting Him, or lacking in my faith. I have actually had moments of anxiety that matched the depth of faith I have with God; as much as I trust Him deeply, I was reciting scripture and listening to music to calm myself. For me, anxiety comes in seasons of uncertainty about security. God has shown me as I trust Him, I need to learn to be dependent upon Him for my security and nothing else of this world. This is not an easy lesson, but it's been the most impactful one I have ever had. God's also shown me that in my strongest moments of anxiety, it's not up to my strength to not be anxious for anything. The command is not one He's given without a method and solution. The rest of the verse says, " . . . but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Philippians 4:6) God's shown me that this verse shows He knew ahead of time I would be anxious and He gave me a solution to help it go away: I just need to trust Him, pray, give Him the list of the things keeping me up at night, practice thankfulness, and present it all to Him. God knows it's hard on this earth, but He has great mercy and love so much that He provides a way for us to follow through. This is what I have been doing in my moments of anxiety now. Sometimes the anxiety is gone immediately, other times it lessons, and other times I chose to live in the knowledge that God is trustworthy even if the anxiety does not completely leave. One thing that God's shown me, He loves me and knows my heart, so I don't have to live in shame, doubt, or guilt that anxiety is a struggle of mine. God's love for me is fully complete even though He knows anxiety is here sometimes. I humbly submit this to you, the reader, whether you also have anxiety, or come in contact with those who do. Remember, our struggles do not lessen God's love for us and the command in Philippians is one to be read, "When/if you have anxiety don't let it consume you and overtake you, but give your worries to God and let Him take care of you!" At least, this is what the Father Heart of God has shown me and I humbly submit it to you for consideration.
Lastly, my next leg of my Abraham Journey is nearing. Trust felt like a perfect word for the year because I knew ahead of time this was the year the next leg of my journey would happen. On paper, everything sounds crazy, overwhelming, and maybe even impossible. There's a lot still unknown and I have even had people point this out to me, as though I don't know myself. And I have had others comment about not having a plan of action. What few people realize is that when this Abraham Journey started, it first started with a command and a vague idea of places I would be going. I didn't know immediately it would be Texas, Waco, or even that I'd be leaving Minnesota! And God's continued to be "the lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path," meaning that He may tell me the next leg of the journey, but He only lights my feet. There's a clear direction, which is college, but there's only the light on the feet in front of me. He doesn't give me a 12 step plan to follow, but this is how I know this is God working. If it were me, I would have a whole year planned out and clear steps marked along the way. God's never called me on my Abraham Journey that way, but He never called Abe that way either. He told Abe, "go to the land I will show you." And this is why I call this my Abraham Journey! I know others may not go about their life like this journey, but you do you. I love seeing where God takes my friends and family. I celebrate their journey and I would hope I have friends who will celebrate mine in return. Right now, after my lease is up June 2, I don't yet know where I will live. I have 3-6 months potentially for college to happen, depending on finances and one last bill. And yet God says, "Trust me to work this out." Already, the last bill has gone from $7900 to $2700 due to billing errors being discovered. And during this uncertainty, I'm going on my first overseas trip to Peru for two weeks starting June 7. What's amazing to me is that when we realize God is calling us to do something, we have a choice to follow through or not. We don't get to say to Him "Okay sure, but only if you tell me all the details, plans, and it all works out like a well-oiled machine." And, for those whose life always operates like a well-oiled machine, I challenge you to surrender control to God and go on an adventure with Him at least twice a year that is not completely planned, has no itinerary, and you have never been there before. When God takes you somewhere, you can't trust Him without surrendering your control. For me, this has always meant not having a clear itinerary for the journey, as much as my personality would love one. When I worked with youth ministry, I would tell my youth pastors, "Hey, I would like an itinerary just so I have an idea what's next. You can change it all and I can easily adapt with that, but if I just have a vague idea of what could be next, that would rock!" I'm thankful for the one youth pastor who didn't do itineraries because it taught me how to surrender control. And now, I have an idea of what's ahead and I trust God to work it out. I know He wouldn't call me to Texas three years ago to just end up homeless. I can trust Him and when He tells me, "Go to the land I will show you," I am able to drop it all and go, not matter if I got it all figured out.
Trusting God in all things has not been easy so far this year. Remembering He is a trustworthy God has been.
