Top Ten Things Treatment Did for Me

This week on my Facebook, I was reminded that I was discharged from eating disorder treatment 2 years ago. I thought I'd share the top ten things treatment did for me. Who knows, this may even turn into a submission to The Mighty.

1) Treatment opened my heart to emotions again.
For me, Binge Eating Disorder crept in back when I was going through intense trauma from sexual abuse as a 5th grader--about age 10. I ate to numb out the feelings of fear, intense sadness, and heavy anxiety while I carried this deep secret for five years. When PTSD was dealt with as a young adult, I turned to food to continue to numb out and my eating disorder intensified. Treatment showed me that emotions are relative, they can be neither good or bad. Treatment also taught me how to process those emotions and accept them. My world has been so much more complete and whole because I can feel my emotions with no shame, no regret, and confidently know what to do with them.

2) Treatment helped me to enjoy my food.
A common misconception by those with no eating disorder experience is that if you are overweight, you love food and that is the problem. Actually, this couldn't be further from the truth. It is common for someone who is overweight to have a potential eating disorder that is not diagnosed. Also, I don't know anyone with an eating disorder who would say, "I love food." In fact, in my treatment group, we all collectively admitted we were obsessed with food, but didn't necessarily 'love' it. Certain foods were enjoyable, but the obsession that the eating disorder creates in your mind actually creates a lot of anxiety around food. Before treatment, I thought about food about 90% of the time. If I wasn't thinking about my next meal, I was thinking about my next binge, or if I had enough food for the day or week. I would over-purchase at the grocery store regularly because I would be afraid I wouldn't have what I needed, when I needed it--especially if I needed to binge. Now, thanks to meal planning, I can confidently structure my meals and purchase what I need. I can enjoy the meals I create, or my time eating out fully because I'm not preoccupied with the reason I am eating. Instead, I know when I'm hungry and can easily identify what I'm hungry for. I can enjoy food for what it was meant for: nourishment and enjoyment.

3) Treatment gave me the support I needed.
Like many with an eating disorder, those closest to me didn't really understand. After years of dealing with binge eating disorder, I was extremely overweight and everyone around me thought the issue was laziness, a poor diet, or apathy. The first day of my outpatient treatment group, I was terrified. I wanted to run out the door so badly, but I was able to fight the urges. I had opened myself up to my therapist too and she challenged me to stick it out. I'm so glad I did! I can't tell you how many times someone else shared something and one of us would reply, "You too?! I thought I was the only one who did that, felt that, or thought that!" It was really a relief every week to learn that you're not crazy and that this is definitely more than a dieting issue, it is a mental illness that needs to be treated.

4) Treatment equipped me for my future.
Before treatment, I was so consumed in the present and the past that I couldn't make a single goal. I couldn't think about my future, or my dreams. In fact, my dreams were always prefaced with When I reach my goal weight, or If I ever stop spending so much money on binges, then I could --neither would ever happen. Treatment gave me tools to fight my urges to binge, ways to restructure my thought process and intercept the lies or beliefs that were derailing me for so long. Now I am able to feel emotions as they come and process changes in life that only effect me for a moment, not derail my entire year. This means I have been able to set financial goals and meet them since I'm no longer spending money on binges. I also have been able to set goals for my career and education that before I wasn't able to think about, such as making plans to go back to college Fall of 2018 to complete my Bachelor's degree.

5) Treatment strengthened my confidence.
I was the most anxiety driven person I knew when I started treatment. If I felt scared, I would just not do it, not go there, or stop whatever it was that caused the anxiety. Treatment helped me to identify lies I was believing about other people, the world, and myself. Then, I was able to unpack the lies and get to the truth instead. I was also able to identify where the lies came from originally. The result of all of this has helped me to be a much more confident person in my relationships, my job, and in every day life. If something triggers my anxiety, I'm able to process my way through it and look back later on if it was a accurate fear or not. It has completely transformed my life.

6) Treatment allowed me to get to know the real me.
I was no longer controlled by my obsession with food. I was also no longer letting fears control me. As I learned to process and deal with my emotions in a healthy way, I awakened to a greater sense of self and the person I wanted to be than I ever had before. I also learned that, naturally, I am introverted and so I'm a little bit cautious around others in general. I also was able to identify strengths I didn't even know I had and weaknesses that I let dictate my every day life. As I have identified my weaknesses, I have be able to work them out so that they are not usually destructive and, instead, seek help and guidance when the need arises.

7) Treatment helped me find my voice again.
Boundaries were such a foreign concept before treatment. I could never have the confidence and courage to set them, let alone follow through with them. Treatment helped me see that I am a person who is valuable and should set boundaries around toxic relationships, or even just day-to-day structures with my time, work-life balance, and my own desires. I learned I didn't have to be everything for everybody, or a doormat to those who do not value me as a person. I was able to speak up and say, "No." I was also able to set my own parameters when it came to my interests and hobbies with regards to time management. This is something that was huge for me, especially since I have a complex trauma background. It has been a hard road to get to this point, but it was worth it.

8) Treatment restored my hope.
Anyone who struggles with Binge Eating Disorder will tell you, it is not easy to live your life centered around the binge-eating cycle. I can look back over the years before treatment and I can honestly say I was so hopeless I was just living for the next binge, much like a drug addict would say they were living for the next high. Let me be clear that a binge is not a "cheat" meal, or "a few extra bites" either. Binges are different for everyone, but what sets them apart for the eating disorder classification is that they are high quantities of food consumed in a really short amount of time. My binges were around 10pm-1am and lasted about 1 hour. During my binges, I would consume 1500-3500 calories, which was on top of my very strict 1500 calorie diet during the day. On paper, it looked great because I never ever recorded my binges and never admitted to anyone else they existed. Treatment allowed me to open up this deep, shameful secret to another and restore hope that had been gone for decades. As I worked through my eating disorder struggles, I was able to find a purpose for living again and no longer felt my life was controlled by my eating disorder. This unleashed a powerful hope in me that is so empowering and refreshing. I can actually say I love my life and love being alive.

9) Treatment gave me a heart for others.
I did outpatient group treatment for 16 weeks. It was 3 hours a week and consisted of 1 hour of cognitive behavior therapy, 1 hour of dietician work, and 1 hour of physical therapy. It was also required that we met with our individual therapist weekly for 1 hour and our individual dietician for 30 minutes. I worked with my therapist and dietician three months before and three months after treatment. The whole process was nearly 1 year. During this year, I was able to listen to other people's stories and how their eating disorder affected them. I was able to celebrate their successes, cry with them, and support them. Our group dropped in number from start to finish, but those of us who remained were so thankful we were not alone. It was so helpful to know that others were committed to the group and were trustworthy. I was able to put words to things I never could tell anyone before. My heart grew two sizes because I was able to see past my own fears and struggles in order to support others going through the same thing I was. Now my heart aches for those who are just starting their treatment journey because I know first hand how terrifying that road is. It is worth it to me to share my story in the hopes that others would start their treatment journey so they can one day share their story too.

10) Treatment gave me recovery.
I am fortunate to have come this far. I'm in the recovery relapse prevention phase forever I feel because every day I have to wake up and make a choice to stay recovered. I can't recall a day where I don't have something trigger a binge. I have had moments were I went to bed early because the urge to binge was so strong, if I stayed up I was not sure I could fight it in my fatigue. I have had days were three or four times I was tempted to gave in. On one occasion, I actually went to the grocery store to by food for a binge, only to park my car in the parking lot and call a friend instead. I have been binge-free for 2 years, 8 months, and 30 days (1003 days total). Every day I have had to choose recovery, fight for recovery, and live out recovery. It has not been easy, but I know I would not have gotten this far without treatment and for that I am grateful.

Laying My Isaac Down

I have no doubt the title of this blog is a phrase you have heard before. Perhaps you have a very personal experience with this phrase yourself. For those who do not know the story the phrase comes from, let me sum it up. Genesis Chapter 22 talks about Abe and Sarah and their promised child, Isaac. They were an old couple and barren, but God spoke and vowed a child through whom Abe would become the father of many nations. The child promised was Isaac. Fast forward to Isaac being around the age of a "young teenager" most likely, although the Bible doesn't specifically say. Abe and Isaac go to a mountain to worship God. God had asked Abe to sacrifice Isaac, and basically he was about to until God provided the ram. Abe told Isaac before hand that God would provide the ram. I believe Abe believed God would show up and he wouldn't have to sacrifice his only son, but it took until the knife was raised for God to stop Abe with the ram. It is a Bible story that some find very unsettling, and otherS find a glorious parallel to the promised Messiah. I have always felt a bit of both. On one hand, it is amazing God provided and Abe obeyed to the end. On the other hand, what a crazy thing for God to ask of a Dad?! But when I look at the story closer and replace myself with Abe, it doesn't sound too crazy. I am already on my own Abraham Journey, so why wouldn't God ask me to sacrifice my 'Isaac' too?!

I have been silent on this blog for a few months while life got overwhelming and hard. I am fully able to write while I feel overwhelmed, but this was different. This time was a season of really asking God where He was and struggling to trust. I love my Texas life and my Abraham Journey, but it has been so hard! Part of what has really been a struggle is turning 36 this summer and officially being in my mid-thirties still single. I joke a lot now when people ask, "are you married?" "Nope! I'm Super Single! **doo-too-doo!!**" (I make a Super Hero stance for added affect.) I get a few laughs, but I will be honest and say that I'm really not joking. This summer I have had to pay for all my expenses in my apartment for 2 months until my new roommate moved in, have had to decide to leave a job for another job that is something I have never done before and don't even know if I will be able to be successful at, make a few financial decisions and cancel a few things I had grown accustomed to having just so I could live in my budget, I have had to purchase a different car, insure the car, and trust that my income will cover the added expenses. To be truthful, every month I feel like I am a Super Hero as a single woman. I did my own maintenance even and hung up my new shower rod, which I am not sure will work out long-term but it hasn't fallen yet so maybe it will! So many times this summer I have felt lonely, painfully lonely if I am honest. I am an introvert, which surprises a lot of people. I am an INFJ for you M-B types, so basically I am an introvert who knows how to converse with others, but engaging with others doesn't give me life--it actually sucks the life out of me! This summer I have actually challenged myself to put myself out there two days at a time followed by a introvert-to-the-max day. It has helped me fight the feelings of loneliness and isolation, but they are still there a little bit. And it was about a month ago that I realized being married was my Isaac, which I needed to lay down.

It is encouraged by many that a single woman should pray for her husband, prepare to be a housewife, start a career you're willing to put on hold when you are starting a family with your husband, and know all there is about children. I cringe at these expectations the church still expects women to do. When you're 36 there are no longer expectations, but assumed reasons why you're still single and, let's be honest, they are not positive assumptions. I can say I gave up chasing what "they" said I should do, live, and think long ago--and you should too. While I don't agree with kissing dating good-bye, I do believe I have had to lay down my desire for a husband on the altar in order to live fully in the present for God.

People mean well when they say, "Oh you'll be next." (I have been next about 20 times since 2004.) They mean well when they say, "Just pray for your hasband, he will show up soon." (I have prayed, fasted, and been engaged twice to two different men.) This summer, I was told, "Focus on God and He will give you the desires of your heart." (I have been focused on God since I was saved in 1996.) I would like to say to "them": There is not a single thing I can do to fulfill my desire for a husband anymore than you could make sure everyone you love was in Heaven. And this is what God has shown me this summer: God is still good in all seasons, whether or not I am ever married.

Over my birthday, I was in Bemidji, Minnesota. I was in a boat with some friends looking out at a beautiful lake God made and was overwhelmed with the desire to have a special someone to lean on and share the moment with. I started to think about aging alone, with no husband or children of my own. My thoughts quickly fast-forward to being the person in the nursing home that was alone, never visited, and never cared about even in their death. (Yes, my thoughts can quickly go to the worst scenario when my emotions get the best of me.) As I was about to get a bit depressed, I heard God say, "Will you just lay it down already?!"

It has taken my a few weeks to be able to put words to the process, but I can say I have finally done so. I have prayed a huge prayer full of the desires of my heart and then, laid it at Jesus' feet with the promise of never picking it up again. Yes, my final prayer as a single woman for my husband was uttered. And my last tears of begging and crying out for God to honor my request were shed. And I left the wedding plans, the family plans, and all the childhood dreams of my wedding day on the altar with the Mrs Degree that skipped me in college as well. Instead, I have accepted my life now to live fully for Him.

I will still have to navigate the practicals on my solo income, still have to make my own decisions, and will still have moments of utter loneliness. I didn't lay my Isaac down so that I could pick up something else. I laid it down so I could trust God fully and completely, even if I am single until the day that I die; even if I am that old lady in the nursing home with no family. Following God and His will for my life is far greater than a promised love, or a family of my own. I don't follow God for what I can get out of it, but simply for what He has done for me. Even if He never fulfills my biggest dream and one of His special promises to me, He has still done far more for me than I could ever expect and ask for. Therefore, in ALL things and EVERY season, I give thanks and praise.

I have laid my Isaac down. God Himself will provide. Amen.