#brave2020 . . . . . the last 100 days

Tomorrow starts the last 100 days of 2020, my year of 'brave'. I get to mark the milestone with a surgery for a lump I have had since I was a little girl. Only recently did it start rapidly growing and causing my thigh to ache. Normally, it would be just a simple procedure, but the imaging done on it shows it might be much more serious. After tomorrow, I wait two weeks for pathology to come back. It's funny to me how all my brave moments this year have combined my deepest fears with something I don't do well. In this case, my deepest fear is dying single, never meeting my person, and I also don't wait well. As a single woman, waiting has been a struggle historically. After some horrible relationships that included ending two engagements, I'm finally thriving in my single life and mostly content, but also hopeful for what is and could be blooming. Still, whenever I have a significant health concern, I'm reminded just how single I am. It also makes the thought of the next two weeks waiting a bit overwhelming. I'm thankful for my faith and the ability to trust God in moments like this, especially when so much is uncertain. Most of our lives are uncertain, so I'm thankful for the opportunity to focus on what truly matters in the next few weeks. It's a perfect launch to the last 100 days of 2020. When I think back to the beginning of the year, January was intense and a blur. After a critical, severe reaction to a medication that could have killed me, it took all of January and most of February to learn I was fully recovered with no other complications. Now here I am, 7 months later, at a point where my health is uncertain--never mind the in between months with a pandemic and all that goes with exposure, quarantining, and physical distancing! I join many folks who feel like 2020 has been incredibly challenging, unpredictable, and just plan hard AF. I'm excited for 2021, but I also feel that since this year isn't done, I can't count my chickens before they hatch. I still have 100 days to reach the goals I made in January. I still have 100 amazing days to face with highs and lows, laughter and tears, memory making moments, and life lessons. So. Here I am, in my coffee cup pajama shirt, sipping hot peppermint tea, and processing my thoughts and emotions with words. Today I only had two goals: get to the gym and write a blog entry. It's crazy! Years ago, I would be deep in a binge, self-isolating with so much anxiety. There's a lot of breakthrough and growth that has happened this year through my brave moments, even though they have been challenging. I finally have shed the deep lie of loneliness that has followed me since my last serious relationship ended. I have been able to maintain a weight loss of 85+, presently so close to 90 pounds lost--even during a pandemic! I have a network of close friends who have become so dear to my heart--including a super, chill roommate who is willing to get up early and take me to my surgery appointment (Anna, you're the best!). I have been able to overcome several areas of my insecurity, many of which had some deep roots. I have a lot of hope for the rest of the year, and beyond--where once I didn't think my life was worth living. The next 100 days are exciting to me. I don't want to miss what else is in store for 2020, even if it is hard. A beautiful diamond doesn't exist without intense pressure or tempture so I'm hopeful for how this year will continue to shape me, with God's help of course. Tomorrow I crack open my next devotional, "100 Days to Brave," and will finish this year stronger than I started it. Not sure I'll be a flawless diamond, but I'll settle for a unique diamond that's one of a kind.