The Hard Seasons Bring the Best Lessons

September through February are the hardest months for me. This year I felt it a couple of weeks ago when I felt anxiety just being there. Some days it never amounts to anything, but other days it keeps me up at night. One form of anxiety I have always struggled with is social anxiety. This time of year is notorious for social life and creates a lot of moments of social anxiety within me.

It is interesting this year how I see God meeting me within these moments as though He is my Father who understands and tenderly loves me. He has met me in ways that are opposite what many say about anxiety as a Christian. I have had a lot of well-meaning conversations with others who are quick to rebuke me, anoint me with oil, or cast Satan out of me. Do I think anxiety is from God? No. Do I think I'm less of a Christian, or sinning because I struggle with anxiety? Absolutely not. I have a mental illness and anxiety is a bi-product of it. Can God heal me? Yes! In fact, He already has in so many ways! My anxiety is NOTHING like what it used to be and my medications are down to just one tiny little pill I either take half of or whole only when all my tools in my coping skills toolbox do not work. In many ways, I feel like I am like Paul with a thorn in my flesh and anxiety is kinda the thing that won't fully leave. Saying that doesn't mean I'm speaking it into my life forever and it doesn't mean I'm speaking power to Satan, but it does acknowledge the thousands of conversations God and I have had about it and all the prayers, along with the powerful work He has already done in me. For every day in a year, God's Word gives us about verse about fear. I believe that shows the loving Father God knew as humans we would be little bundles bent towards fear and worry, so He gave us one anchor for every day. Today I hold onto the anchor even while I stop to take a solid, deep breath because my anxiety is just there. This week it has hit me in the dark as I try to fall asleep. What has helped is essential oils, self care routines, worship music, prayer, and one night I had to take that tiny half of a pill. And you know what is funny? God has never been closer, never been more present, and easily I find a deep, intimate connection with Him. In a weird way, I'm thankful for this latest bout of my anxiety because it's pushing me closer to the One who matters.

Several days ago, my social anxiety kicked up a notch and I couldn't shake it. I started praying, "God what in the world?! How will I ever step into what you've called me to do if every time I interact with someone I am second guessing myself?!" Another lament, "Why does it matter so much in my head what happened and what went wrong Lord?! Take my thoughts before I even think them!" Then, I had this overwhelming urge to write. A poem came from this instead of a typical post so I copied it to Word because I wasn't sure I wanted to share it here. Then, the more I have been experiencing this, the more I feel like God is allowing this to bridge a cap between Christianity and psychology. You see, neither want to embrace the other, but both can't exist apart from the other. I believe my healing from PTSD, major depressive disorder, and binge eating disorder have only come from a faith that sees what God's revealed to amazing psychologists, psychiatrists, and the medicationists (new word ha!). My faith in God is stronger because in the darkest moments as I relied on psychology and connected to God and the Truths of His Word. In fact, my relationship with God started two days after a third suicide attempt. I attempted suicide on a Saturday, Sunday, and a Wednesday and that Friday (all in the SAME WEEK) I met Jesus. Every Christian psychologist I have seen cries when I share the whole story. Interestingly, some Christians tell me to NOT go there when I share the story, and for years I did shorten it and chop off the darkness so it was more palatable. Yet, God has shown me that I do not need to be ashamed of the fact that God used a mental illness to call me to Him. Today, I also feel no shame to share that I still struggle and I think God understands and meets me in that struggle in beautiful ways He would not be able to otherwise.

Will He take away my anxiety once and for all? Every day I pray He will. If there's ever an altar call, or a word of healing for it I reach out for His healing--even if it is just another layer of the anxiety onion to be cut off, diced, and fried in His holy fry pan! Layer by layer there is a beautiful aroma in the home of my heart that would not exist without His hand and holy chef's knife. Does Satan ever show up? Yep! Lately, in the dark because he loves darkness and he is lazy! Satan knows my deepest struggles have been in the darkness and so when I appear weak this time of year, he shows up every now and then. What I keep remembering is I overcome the darkness and still find enough hours to rest in Him. I awake in the morning with a reset where anxiety is plugged in an ready but not yet turned on. I have to be intentional to use my toolbox of coping skills throughout my day. I have to be purposeful with my self care and I have to be as connected to God as possible. This doesn't always mean reading His Word, but worship, conversation, listening to Him speak, or crying out to Him with a holy ugly cry (seriously). And once in a while, it means writing a raw, honest poem that is equal parts raw and revelation. Without further qualifications, here is that poem....

social anxiety

wide awake with the lights out, everything gets replayed now
rehearsing everything that I said, what should I-could I-shouldn’t have said
I plan ahead how convos could go: the worst, the good, and the unknown
before I go to that gathering, what could go wrong—I gotta be prepared
throughout my day I often fight tears and moments of uncertainty
why did they say that, where did I do wrong, how can I fix that, and how to get along
the words cut like a knife and they don’t have a clue
I tell myself often to let it go, the worst belief about it is rarely ever true
when you’re at your weakest point, you notice little things that feel like deep wounds:
people rally around someone and you’re left alone
people asking if you’re new here at a place where you’ve gone weekly for years
people being silent when you share a need
analyzing the reasons, the causes, and the slight avoidances
most think you don’t notice, but you notice even the slightest
a conversation went really wrong between us and now you don’t say hello when you see me
I couldn’t go to your party, so now you don’t even call me
you made an assumption and chose to confront me, but now that it’s clarified you still avoid me
someone told you something about me from their side and now you refuse to value me
I notice all the slightest and the biggest and the in between
can it be fixed, corrected, changed, or modified in some way
before work I need a pep talk just to have a good day
don’t be afraid to be myself, don’t expect to be included, don’t read into it, and don’t have regrets
faking confidence faking calmness faking peace
you gotta fake it til you make it and grow into your own
the reason I am even writing this gets me scared
callings would take me past this to beyond
where my heart, soul, mind, and strength are mended and again strong
leaders should be flawless
with every Truth proclaimed, lies have been sprayed
I sort them out day after day
when I finally am calm and asleep late at night
that is when I have awoken to see the light
nothing is as bad as I think it could be
no one is judging me greater than me
the root of the issue is fear:
to fail
to be all I am created to be
to be alone
to be misunderstood
to be less than what you would expect of me
to be unable to reflect you
yet in all this self-examining,
Truth is found in the darkness where the anxiety begins
And this is just one tale

Emma Leigh
October 2018