2019 has not been the easiest year. I am learning when God gives you a big word, He plans to work! My word is transform and He has transformed a lot of things.
My heart is changing in a lot of ways. For the past year I have worked hard to develop kindness as an attribute. It’s not been easy and I haven’t been kind daily, but I realize that the fruit of the Spirit are not just given to us. We have to take time to develop these traits and surrender the old ways. I am also realizing how I struggle with insecurity in general and it’s been at the core of my anxiety struggles. There’s not one area that I’m insecure in so much as a general sense of being insecure. I can recall moments where I made some really silly decisions because I was insecure. I can also recall moments of confidence and would like to see the day when those moments are greater than the insecure ones.
Recently, my anxiety has returned. This isn’t a huge surprise because the summer started when it returned. My anxiety seems to parallel seasons of transition and uncertainty. With the summer starting, there’s no concrete hours of work since I work for the school district and get to have summers off. I do not do well without a schedule or routine, so I am noticing my anxiety showing up. I was talking about this with a friend recently and realized it isn’t so much a constant worry for me. Now that I have been in therapy and God has healed so much of my struggles, it’s not that I worry. It’s just a state of being. It’s just an emotion that doesn’t seem to want to go away, just silently present. My heart is learning what abiding in God is like. I don’t always do well with abiding because of how I process struggles.
As I focus on Transform, I have come to learn a few things about myself I never knew. First, when life is challenging, I pull away and go inward. For example, today is Father’s Day and it’s a mixed bag for me. I have a lot of struggle with this day since I am no longer in contact with my parents. I didn’t want to go to church and hear a sermon all about it, so I stayed home. Later, I went on my Sabbath date with Abba, God. I watched a YouTube video about the father heart of God and was reminded of some truths. Now, after a day of solitude, I just might be able to reach out to a couple friends and hang out this week. It is not my first instinct to reach out to anyone because I have always been a party of one. Even growing up, in some of the hardest days, there wasn’t anyone in my corner. Now that I have some great friends, community of life group, and have folks I could call, I still think I have to go it alone.
I have also learned that I love to help others. When I do not do this, I feel like my life is wasting away. As dark as that sounds, it is the only way I can describe the feeling. I started noticing this late last year, so I began praying about it off and on. Then, out of time praying, I decided the easiest thing to do is to start serving at church again. With my sensory struggles previously, I quit serving and have periodically worked very part-time with kids ministry. I wasn’t sure I could handle it yet, but I am happy to report that there has been tremendous healing in ways I had been told would never improve. By serving consistently, I am realizing a sense of purpose I had missed in a long time. I love knowing families are being strengthened in their spiritual journey because I am loving on their 2 year olds!
Perhaps the biggest transformation in my life is that I am no longer in therapy. The process has been in the works around the holidays, but finally came to an end this May. I would be lying if I said I was happy and excited about it. I think this is another part of the transition that brought my subtle anxiety back. I’m scared to process alone, or that what I feel is too much. Being an empath, you feel so much and you carry on so much that isn’t your’s to carry. God has shown me that He is the best Counselor and I need to spend more time abiding in Him and less time trying to process my imperfect life perfectly. The truth is, I am light years away from my first counseling session and God used every session to heal me, but He will also continue to heal me while I abide in Him and seek Him. Still, it has been an adjustment.
Lastly, my last post alluded to false labels being placed on me by others. It has been six months and God continues to remind me that people are not able to define us, only God Can. I am so thankful to learn this and to have reminders to focus on my Identity in Christ and who He says I am. No one can discount what God sees in me. A group of friends and I are going over “Victory Over Darkness” by Neil Anderson this summer. It has been a great review for me in this season of finally stepping out of turning to people for my value and identity.
In many ways, this year I have reminded myself of junior high girls I love dearly, with their awkward responses, silly concerns, and identity crisis, that I have felt a bit surprised at being 37 and just now coming to an awareness of things. It also hasn’t been easy to write about and it has been deeply personal. I haven’t shared here because I haven’t had the words. Only a handful of people even know the specific, deeply tender things this post alludes to. Those people are dear friends who have held space to me when my own family has rejected me, or caused me to have to have strict boundaries. As I navigate this, it has been an interesting stretching and observations of my tendency to also pull away from God. I don’t pull away out of fear, but out of my heartaches. So this has also been a time of relearning how to cast all of my cares upon Him.
I am thankful to see the word transform mark me. Transform spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. This year has been all that and a side of toast!
