Previously, I shared about my present singleness in a very personal post on this blog: Laying my Isaac Down Today, I feel compelled to open up another layer on my single journey. There's so much in our culture that brings me down, pulls me aside, and blurs my focus as a Christian--let alone a single one. Being new to an area and struggling to find a church home, there's so much I find I need spiritually, but have few places to turn to. Recently, I read a few articles that said everything I was thinking but couldn't put words to. One spoke about the value as a woman that I still have, even though I'm single, and the importance for others to recognize the value and calling God has on my life is NOT dependent upon my marital status. (Amen!) Another shared about the deep loneliness a single often feels in the church culture where, currently, a huge focus is on family instead of the body of Christ. And lastly, another seems to hit the ball completely out of the park when it brings up the tendency to treat Super Singles (my beloved phrase fore the single, post-college person aged 28-40) as a leper and not like a part of the church family. These articles got me thinking of many things and made me become more intentional at church events I attend. Lately, I feel like so much is going on in the world collectively as a whole that stresses me out and divides us apart that I have adopted "Be the change you wish to see in the world" as my personal motto. In putting this motto to practice at church, I'm working on putting myself out there at church activities and not just allowing myself to end up sitting alone at the table, or in the pew. However, I am realizing still I have unique needs many people simply don't know what they are, or assume my needs for me. I have also realized that the Church (that broad, Christian-bible-believing-body-of-christ-interdenominational church) does not know what an older, Christian single needs. Today I'm am just tossing out 5 things I believe Super Singles need from the body of Christ aka 'church'. They are not exhaustive and may seem unnecessary, or maybe even obvious. Also, I am not sharing this list because I went to or go to a specific church that didn't or doesn't do these things; I'm NOT being passive aggressive with this list. My only motive is to give a voice to an area I think the body of Christ, as a whole, could greatly improve in. Lastly, I share this list humbly. I don't have life all figured out and I don't expect you to either. Maybe there's stuff on this list you haven't thought of before, I'm not bringing it up to rake you over the coals and shame you. "There's no condemnation in Christ" doesn't mean there is no sin, but that there's no shame, no guilt, no singling out the one who failed because, in Christ, we are a family and we learn and grow together.
1) I NEED TO BE INCLUDED.
This sounds so basic, am I right? I can tell you multiple times I show up to a small group event, or stand talking to a group from a Sunday School class and eventually they share about a supper "everybody" went to, or a birthday party that was "so fun" and one time I was even told, "I didn't invite you because I just told those in the class who had a family. (Burn! I already check the boxes, "single" "no children" "30s" each week, now there's another "family-less"!) In 2014, 46% of adult attenders of a mainstream Protestant church were single--46%! How many events are held for that half of your congregation, where it says "This is for single, unmarried, childless, and those with no family of their own" in the fine print? None? Exactly. Since that does not happen, I need you to pick up the phone, type the email, send a text, or even talk to me and say, "Hey, I want you to come." Yes, I am single but I am aware you are married and I actually have a lot to offer even if I do not have a husband. Yes, I am single and do not have my own child, but that doesn't mean I think children are loaded with bacteria and if I am near one I fear a sudden illness or death. Instead, being a party of one means I am already lonely and left out enough. We are supposed to be a spiritual family, rooted in Christ. Therefore, envelope me in and let me celebrate with you, your family, your children, and your life. In doing so, we fulfill the command to be One body.
2) I NEED TO BE VALUED, ACCEPTED, AND APPRECIATED.
We have values to bring to the table individually, regardless of our marital status. For some friends, they are newly divorced and feel like they can't do anything in the church anymore because they're suddenly less-than, or failed a certain standard. Those of us who have never married have a similar less-than struggle because people assume the reason for the singleness late in age to be connected to a lack of spiritual maturity, personal success, or mental deficiency. Yes, even in the church setting, I have been told all of these. Just last week I was approached by a gentleman who said, "Haven't you a family yet?" And I smiled and said, "I am single." And he responded, "Well, I will pray for you this week that God will show you what your problem is so you can work on it." Aside from this, not being included in events or having to sit through entire sermon series about marriage, parenting, and raising a family but never once hearing a sermon series about how to live life as a single person brings about further feelings of being an outcast. (How about the other half listens to a sermon series about living life single for a change? I'm getting a little sick of the disclaimer, "If you're single/have no children, listen up because one day that could change." Let's change it to, "If you are not single, here's a way to encourage someone who is.") What about being accepted and appreciated that I have something to offer that could encourage the body? What if the something was more than another person to call for babysitting or fill a vacancy with children's ministry? What if I was asked to help teach when a leader of an adult Bible study is out, sought out for advice on a subject, or just befriended by a family? Being single today and still staying strong in my convictions as a Christian kinda deserves a certain level of appreciation, seriously. If I had children, I would want my teens to be mentored by a single man/single woman living out their faith successfully even more than a married youth pastor because of the experience and wisdom that can be gleaned from a life spent 1:1 with Jesus, the life Paul talks about when He exalts being single. And in case you wondered but were afraid to ask, I have been engaged twice before and I ended both relationships because they were not God-honoring and not starting out on a biblical foundation. I am from a very blended family, so I would rather be single forever than start a marriage covenant out on an unbiblical foundation.
3) I NEED TO BE SUPPORTED.
When someone dies, we rush to help them. In churches in America this often means setting up a Meal Train or a list of volunteers to bring the family meals. When a person becomes a widow in many churches the Elders make sure they're looked after in some capacity. When a person gets hospitalized someone comes and prays for them. When a single person is alone and has to figure out how to get to church because their car broke down, there's no one to call. When a single woman has to hang a shelf in her apartment or house, it will go months without being hung until she watches youtube enough to sorta have it figured out. When someone dies in my family, but not "my own family" it doesn't get mentioned and I don't get meals sent to me or offers to help. When a single person gets a health scare, job loss, or sudden accident who comes to help? No one, unless you call for help yourself. It's like you're not on the radar at all because a family is easily seen but a party of one is easily forgotten, walked past, and left alone. I believe being just one person has its own pressures few experience, especially if you married before 25. I remember being hospitalized a couple days and the nurse telling me I got to go home as soon as I signed the paperwork and my ride came. When I told the nurse I had my car parked by the emergency room doors, she looked at me shocked. "You mean you drove yourself here in the condition you were in?!" "Yes. If I had to puke, I just pulled over and used my bucket." I remember the time I was sent home with my foot in a cast on my right foot and my doctor friend saying, "Is your ride on its way?" I told him, "No. That's why I asked you not to cast my toes--so I could still drive myself where I needed to go." Do you know how hard it is to be in a cast, on crutches, and bring groceries up to your second story apartment? I feel like I shouldn't know how to figure it out for myself because if I had a husband or family of my own, I would not have had to. A few years ago, I went to coffee with a single girlfriend. I hadn't seen her in church for awhile, so I asked her where she's been and what's up. She said to me, "I quit going and I think I'm done with church as long as I'm single. I'll just listen to sermons once a week instead." I probed further, asking her what had happened and she said something that crushed my heart. "All the time I have served that church each week, all the relationships I encouraged, all the prayers I have prayed for folks I thought were my friends, and when I lost my job and then my house because I couldn't pay for it not a single pastor, leader, or small group friend offered me help in some way. I had to figure out a place to live, a place to work, what expenses to cut, and where a food shelf was on my own. If I have to do life on my own, then why bother going to church to just be used so a program functions smoothly?" Wow! It hurt my heart to realize that she had so much going on and felt the weight of all of that alone! I share this need and admit that I can't be helped if I don't express the help I need. My friend easily admitted that she didn't reach out, but she also said she didn't know who to reach out to. Some are not resourceful, but many others feel like they can't ask for the help they need and I think it is often a result of not being supported well.
4) I NEED TO BE LOVED, NOT FIXED.
This need is also obvious when you read it, but its application is elusive I have come to experience. Since moving to Waco in 2015, I visited many small groups to try to figure out where to land. When I visit, I do not just go once and expect to decide if I like it or not. I tend to go for a solid, consistent month. If I can't go for four weeks straight, then I go for six weeks over a 2-3 month period. It usually takes that long for the true vibe of the group to be felt and for everyone to open up to one another, which helps me know if it is a place for me or not. One group I went to about three weeks in was led by a married couple. The lady told me in passing, "You have such great wisdom! I love what you have to say! It really challenges me!" I smiled and thanked her, resisting the urge to correct her and confess my long list of shortcomings. Then, she responded with, "It just saddens me you're still single! Oh! I am thinking of the Christian guys I know your age that could be marriage material within the next year, but so many are just not yet ready! I'm so sorry I can't help you there!" I didn't know what to say to that, so I just let that awkwardly hang in the air. And she filled the air with a follow-up, "Oh, don't be sad sweetie. God knows your heart. Keep asking Him to provide for your needs and one day your husband will come." At that point I was so angry inside, I decided I had better leave because I was gonna unwisely say something I would regret if I didn't! I wish this was one encounter, but it is one of many. I would love to be seen as a fully, intact Christian woman who is just loved by other Christians and befriended. Apparently, this is very taboo in churches today! Also, my need to be loved by the body of Christ does not mean I'm broken while romantic love remains elusive. There's many kinds of love mentioned in the Bible and the type I long for most is koinonia--a deep friendship love, rooted in fellowhip with one another. This can happen within a group of multiple generations, life stages, and races and it should be easy to find in the church today. My lack of romantic love can only be fulfilled first by my God and then spill out of that as an overflow. I am not looking to you to find my husband or meet an unreasonable need, but to be loved by my family in Christ.
5)I NEED TO BE WITH YOU AND YOU WITH ME.
Iron sharpens iron, right? We know what this means I hope and that it comes from the Bible; I'm just gonna assume so and continue on. I cannot grow, strengthen, or become further in my faith journey if I am alone and a party of one. I need to be with you and I need you to be with me. There may be things I need to grow in personally and spiritually that I need your guidance and support in, just like there's things you need to grow in. Take purity for example. I'm single and trying hard to guard my heart, but did you know it is frustrating to see you and your husband sucking face and petting each others lower backs now that you're married? I mean, I get it... you waited so long to be married and now it is a welcomed, healthy love language to touch her in public and let her know you love her. However, obsessive PDA when married is just as offensive as if you saw me making out with a guy knowing I'm single. Stop. I'm still present and observing you and need to see that marriage brings with it a deep covenant, not just a place to get your sexual needs met freely. Another example, you know how it bothers you if I just complain about what's not going well in my life and not share the good things? Well, it bothers me and frustrates me during a ladies night out when I have to listen to you share all the ways your husband lacks and how crappy he is. I mean, inside my head I want to offer to take the wretched man off your hands for you because I'm pretty sure I would be thankful for a guy who works his butt off to provide, leads our small group, and still comes to bed to you every night even though you're so ungrateful! You get what I am trying to point out here? I have flaws, you have flaws, and this side of heaven we ALL have MANY flaws. None of them can be removed or polished off if we are never with each other. Instead of keeping me on the outskirts because I can't possibly relate to you and your life, maybe we have a lot more in common because we are all FIRST sinners saved by grace? We need each other, so how about you give me a chance? I promise I won't brag about how much sleep I get if you don't complain about the mess your family makes. Deal?
