Thanksgiving 2020 marks seven years binge-free. I remember when I started treatment for binge eating disorder, trying to imagine my life without a binge. One of my first questions my therapist and dietician asked me was, "What causes your binges?" I would get so annoyed with this question because binging was so automatic. Most of the time I wouldn't realize I had I had one until I had trash all around me. My eating disorder started at the age of 10 and I was 32 when I started treatment, so we're talkin 22 years straight of binge eating disorder. It was as automatic as taking a breath. I recall driving home after my group session one night and thinking what it would be like to not have to deal with my eating disorder. I remember thinking if I could get to seven years, there would be a shift in my mind. Now, here we are!
I used to eat to numb, but also stopped caring about what I ate intentionally to not look attractive, feminine, or fit the cultural standards of beauty. I thought if I gained weight, my sexual abuse that started at the same time as my eating disorder would stop. Instead, it went on for five years and numbing with food proved to be my secret weapon of survival. When I would binge, my anxiety would stop. If I had intense emotions that were too hard to process, I could eat to oblivian and have a food coma. If I had emotions of any kind, food was attached to them. There was not a single moment in my day where I wasn't obsessing about my next binge, food anxieties, and food scarcity. My thoughts were consumed with food and that created a lot of distraction and became hard to focus.
Treatment taught me how to feel and process emotions. It also gave me the ability to cope with life without having to numb. One of the realities of treatment I didn't like was being told my eating disorder would never be healed, a relapse was for certain, and I would never be able to try to lose weight so I had to accept my body and love it. Whenever I would push back at this, I was met with declarations of a relapse so intense it could land be back in treatment, but this time as an inpatient program. I finished treatment determined to prove them wrong and not be a statistic. Here I am seven years later with no relapses and about 90 pounds lighter!
I feel like seven years is huge. Seven means completion and perfection in biblical terms. While I feel this year truly is a shift for my mind, I am not ignorant to the fact I still have quirky food related struggles I have to constantly be aware of. I can eat faster than anyone, so I have to be conscious at every meal to slow down, keep pace with those around me, and savor my food. I have a tendancy to want to eat food when I feel something, so I always ask myself before I get something to eat what my hunger signals are. If I can't feel even one hunger signal, I wait to eat. When I experience a big emotion, like anger, sadness, anxiety, or fear, I never allow myself to eat until I have fully processed that moment. This year with the pandemic, I learned growing up with a low-income and large family influenced a lot of food fears I didn't realize I had. I was at the grocery store shopping for my friends while I was their live-in nanny and the aisles were so empty, I literally started shaking and felt so confused. It wasn't until later that night in my journal did I realize I was triggered and afraid to not be able to eat a full meal. My thought was, "I need to binge while I can!" It was hard to fight that urge, but I knew it wouldn't serve me in the long run. I still have moments like this during the pandemic, where I slightly panic about food scarcity, but I no longer think binging would be the great solution.
I am so thankful to have gotten so far in my recovery. Every day is a choice to maintain my recovery, feel emotions as they come, and live a balanced life. A few months ago, a friend told me, "You are SO strong." It was the first time someone said that to me in reference to what I have overcome and that my being strong and resilient is attractive, drawing you in more as a friend. It was like an anchor moment for me, showing me the truth of who I am versus being flawed, damaged, and undesirable for any form of connection--from friendship to a committed relationship. I really am so strong and I can be so proud of that this year! I made it this far and I know there is no limit to what is possible!
