Breathe In; Breathe Out.

Do not be anxious or worried about anything, 

but in everything [every circumstance and situation] 

by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, 

continue to make your [specific] requests known to God.  

And the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace] 

 which transcends all understanding, 

[that peace which] stands guard over your hearts

 and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours].  

~ Philippians 4:6-7 (AMP) ~

Life is hard to live. 

Let that revelation sink in for a moment. Have you ever felt the heaviness, weightiness life brings? Many people have not, which I will call them beyond blessed. For many others, you know exactly what I am saying. 

Years ago, as a kid, I remember believing my life was not worth living. I was a ninth grader and a vast majority who knew me in my tiny small town in Minnesota had no idea what I felt inside. A few decades later, I no longer deal with suicidal ideation or even significant amounts of depression, but life is still hard to live some days. 

In my present life, there's a lot going on and most of it is a story that is not mine to tell. Instead, it will be documented in my private journal to be read long after I'm gone by a family member I don't yet have; perhaps a daughter who becomes amazed at what all I really did in life that I never admitted to her. What is going on though is a constant reminder to me that life is as hard as it is worth living to the fullest.

Many people are fortunate to have someone believe in them and the person they could become. I remember being asked in high school, who my favorite teacher was. Mr. Cody is still my favorite teacher and he is now a principal in North Dakota of all places. The reason he remains my favorite teacher is because he believed in me and set me on the course of not giving up when life was hard to live. Who was that for you? Who would say you are that person for them? I believe everyone should have someone who believes in them, even if the cards are stacked against them--and believe me, for some, the cards are stacked like a skyscraper.

Right now, I'm heading into unfamiliar territory. I have not ever really filled this role before. I dreamt last night I was starring in a play for the very first time. It was opening night and I was so nervous, I couldn't eat supper. Here I was at a buffet table full of everything I loved and no ability to enjoy any of it. I woke up amused at how our brains process our life's happenings even while we're sleeping, seemingly dead to the world.

I was once in a small group for a period of time in my hometown in Minnesota. We were a hodge-podge of young adults who believed in Jesus and wanted to grow deeper. We had roots in Catholicism, Evangelical Covenant, Methodist, Non-Denominational, Lutheran, and a nice sprinkling of Evangelical Free as far as our denominational make-up went. Our meetings were as imperfect as they were impactful to my own spiritual journey. We studied this book that went through various spiritual disciplines; things like labyrinths, Bible reading plans, prayer, and other things. We took different turns leading these discussions. I recall one that really has helped me live life when it is so hard.

My friend, Logan, covered a section on prayer. One of the methods of prayer he shared was breathing Scripture. Taking a verse to meditate on and pray through and into your life, while also breathing purposefully. It sounds odd at first and is a bit awkward to do in a group, but once you master the technique in your private devotional time, it can be so freeing. It reminds me of learning to meditate or various breathing exercises I was taught in treatment to help refocus my mind. Instead of tapping into the modern new age movement, I tap into my Christian faith and use the Bible to give me a solid focus. Finding my "inner self" or my "zen" or even my "universe" does not sound as reliable to me as the Truth of God's Word.

Lately, I have spent some time practicing breathing Scripture with Philippians 4:6-7. And it goes something like this:

 

Do not **breathe in** 

be anxious or worried about anything, **breathe out**

but in everything  ** breathe in** 

[every circumstance and situation] **breathe out**

by prayer **breathe in** 

and petition **breathe out** 

with thanksgiving, **breathe in**

continue **breathe out** 

to make your [specific] requests known to God.  **breathe in**

And the peace of God**breathe out**

 [that peace which reassures the heart **breathe in**, 

that peace], which transcends all understanding, **breathe out**

[that peace which] stands guard over your hearts **breathe in**

 and your minds **breathe out** 

in Christ Jesus **breathe in**

 [is yours].  **breathe out**

It is so simple, yet so powerful. And it helps me know that this life is not up to me to master. This life is not up to me to conquer. And this life is not for me to figure out alone, in my head. And when life is the hardest, I don't have to have it all figured out. And, for the sake of deepest honesty, I don't have to have all my ducks in a row, shit together, or even be the master of adulting. I just need to live life one step at a time, breathing in and out slowly.

Guideposts, Confirmation, and Direction

I often wonder what the Bible doesn't tell us about Abraham's journey; the journey my life parallels. I wonder if the desert had signs of others having gone on a journey. The Oregon Trail was a similar journey and one that was critical in American history. There were always guideposts and markers along the way, the help people know they were still on the Oregon Trail. There were trading posts at critical distances that would be able to supply food, clothes, blankets, and repairs for the wagons. Some had medical doctors too. Often times while traveling, a couple of strong men from the traveling group (which was anywhere from 3-8 families or more) would go ahead on horseback and double check the trail and clear it for the wagons to pass through. It wasn't uncommon for trees to be down in the way, or any other hazards. In some cases, the men would move ahead several days and reach the posts to get food if the group was low and then leave the food along the trail. Abraham didn't have these luxuries. He went to "a land [God] will show [him]" and he packed up his family, animals, and possessions and traveled on his journey. He had no map, no guideposts, and no testimony of people who had traveled to this land before him. It was an unwritten journey, unique to Abe. Abe had to trust God for everything and to be everything he needed. God was his guideposts, his map, his trading post to provide needs for the journey, and his compass. My Abraham journey has been quite similar.

Right now a guidepost appeared the past three weeks in the form of 10 people, 6 of whom were complete strangers when I met them. Three of them I was prompted to share a word of encouragement from God to them. Each time the word from God was EXACTLY what was needed to encourage them to move forward. Each person told me, "What?! I don't even know you and what you said was something I have been questioning and wondering about! How did you know?! God really spoke to me!" Six of the people are desiring going to church together after being away for awhile, or struggle to go alone. Some are even interested in coming to life group with me, a few already have. This is a guidepost for me because it confirms to me that I need to be in Waco. It confirms to me that right now I am where I am supposed to be. I shared in a previous post how easy it can be to doubt that you're where you're supposed to be, or question if you heard God correctly and discerned appropriately what He was saying. Well, sharing words of encouragement with strangers will get you out of your comfort zone really fast. When they are blown away that a stranger they have never met has a word for them and the word is spot on, it is an encouragement for them and a confirmation for you; a confirmation that you do hear and discern the Lord CLEARLY! I needed this guidepost.

Direction in the future continues to be an important thing, especially since the lease for my apartment is up June 1st. While it is nine months away and a lot can happen between now and then, it is important to prepare for the next leg in the journey. My intention is to have Southwest Assemblies of God University in Waxahachie, TX be my next leg. Right now the timing is up in the air--next year is preferred. On/off campus? On campus/online? There's so many options and I'm trying hard to move forward in little steps of obedience so that God will continue to bring clarity.

" 'For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,'  says the Lord, 'plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call on Me and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear [your voice] and I will listen to you. Then, [with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital necessity] and [you will] find me when you search for Me with all your heart.' " ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13 [AMP] ~

August: The Silent-Blog Month

Well, I can't believe I didn't post anything in August, and very little in July. I came here so many times and nothing sounded right, or much more than me rambling.

August was a depression-filled month honestly. There was no reason, other than just general loneliness that creeps in once in awhile. I think it was also hard because I had 3 migraines in July, but 8 in August! Chronic Migraine is a hard thing to live with! It is also frustrating when I have gone months before July without very many migraines. The thought of going back on a medicine to reduce them is there, but I was hoping my brain was past that. I started realizing in August what was triggering them and that also added to the depression feelings. 

I finally found a life group that I feel a part of and connected to. In fact, I have found two. I go to one Sunday nights when my work schedule has allowed me to, which has been hit-or-miss this summer. My main one meets on Tuesday nights. This is the one with my discipleship group also. It has taken me forever to finally have a small group again. It took even longer to not feel like I was imposing on friends, or watching people who are incredibly close just interact. Gosh, I am so sick of being new in church environments!! Then, one day at church it happened: a migraine aura started.

At first, I just thought my eyes were tired. But when I shut them, it got worse really fast. My aura started with dots forming in my vision, very faintly. Then, when I shut my eyes and opened them, the dots started dancing. It didn't occur to me until the dots changed colors that I knew what the problem was: lighting during worship.

The church I first attended, took a brief break from, and returned to on Easter has a new building since May. It is amazing--it was built 100% debt-free in 4 years! I love it all. Except the lighting. They added state-of-the-art lighting that is equivalent to concert lighting. There is a reason ever since my car accident I have been no longer going to live concerts: lighting effects mess with my brain too much and increase my migraines. Here I was at church of all places getting a lighting-induced migraine!! 

I spent money on sunglasses and a hat. Then, wore them to church. I looked like I was hiding from the security team and off-duty police at church! I thought it would decrease my migraines, but it didn't have any affect. I finally had to make another decision: church vs migraines. Naturally, I decided to send out emails which to date I haven't even received an acknowledgement of, let alone a reply. 

I started brainstorming my options with the traumatic brain injury group I'm a part of on Facebook. One person said to hide in the nursing mothers room during worship, but that's way too far away and only accessible to people who have a child or volunteer in kid's ministry for security reasons. Another person suggested sitting in the foyer for the service, but the one day I tried that, people were too loud and destructing I couldn't hear the sermon, so I just left. Another said to just watch the sermon online, but then it would be like I don't go to the church at all and not have any sort of corporate worship, which I love and need. 

After lots of praying and migraines, I am trying hard to find a way to worship and go to church. I'm trying to not give up.

Another reason August was silent was God was working on me. There is a lot going on in my logos365 "goals" year, so much growth which is painful. Sometimes it is hard to know what to say here as a result. My Abraham Journey is still going on, but sometimes the desert is tough. Sometimes I found myself asking, "What the hell are you doing here in Texas of all places, Emily?!" (Just being honest!) I wonder if Abraham would have kept a journal as he traveled "to the land where God would show him" what would be in it? Or Sarah's journal? Did they have moments of wondering what on earth they were doing? No, not doubts, but moments of disbelief that they were really where they were and confusion on how they got there at the same time. 19 months ago, I knew the first stop on my Abraham journey was Waco, Texas. Now I know my next stop on my Abraham journey is Waxahachie, Texas and I still have no idea how I will land there, but I know God is faithful. 

Even in the silent month of August, I still wrote. My journal entries were multiple pages each day I'd write in it. I even wrote a couple poems. My Instagram posts were more raw and honest than they ever have been before. I think I needed the silent month here to reflect on what is ahead and what will soon be behind.

Sometimes silence brings more growth than words can bring understanding.