August was a depression-filled month honestly. There was no reason, other than just general loneliness that creeps in once in awhile. I think it was also hard because I had 3 migraines in July, but 8 in August! Chronic Migraine is a hard thing to live with! It is also frustrating when I have gone months before July without very many migraines. The thought of going back on a medicine to reduce them is there, but I was hoping my brain was past that. I started realizing in August what was triggering them and that also added to the depression feelings.
I finally found a life group that I feel a part of and connected to. In fact, I have found two. I go to one Sunday nights when my work schedule has allowed me to, which has been hit-or-miss this summer. My main one meets on Tuesday nights. This is the one with my discipleship group also. It has taken me forever to finally have a small group again. It took even longer to not feel like I was imposing on friends, or watching people who are incredibly close just interact. Gosh, I am so sick of being new in church environments!! Then, one day at church it happened: a migraine aura started.
At first, I just thought my eyes were tired. But when I shut them, it got worse really fast. My aura started with dots forming in my vision, very faintly. Then, when I shut my eyes and opened them, the dots started dancing. It didn't occur to me until the dots changed colors that I knew what the problem was: lighting during worship.
The church I first attended, took a brief break from, and returned to on Easter has a new building since May. It is amazing--it was built 100% debt-free in 4 years! I love it all. Except the lighting. They added state-of-the-art lighting that is equivalent to concert lighting. There is a reason ever since my car accident I have been no longer going to live concerts: lighting effects mess with my brain too much and increase my migraines. Here I was at church of all places getting a lighting-induced migraine!!
I spent money on sunglasses and a hat. Then, wore them to church. I looked like I was hiding from the security team and off-duty police at church! I thought it would decrease my migraines, but it didn't have any affect. I finally had to make another decision: church vs migraines. Naturally, I decided to send out emails which to date I haven't even received an acknowledgement of, let alone a reply.
I started brainstorming my options with the traumatic brain injury group I'm a part of on Facebook. One person said to hide in the nursing mothers room during worship, but that's way too far away and only accessible to people who have a child or volunteer in kid's ministry for security reasons. Another person suggested sitting in the foyer for the service, but the one day I tried that, people were too loud and destructing I couldn't hear the sermon, so I just left. Another said to just watch the sermon online, but then it would be like I don't go to the church at all and not have any sort of corporate worship, which I love and need.
After lots of praying and migraines, I am trying hard to find a way to worship and go to church. I'm trying to not give up.
Another reason August was silent was God was working on me. There is a lot going on in my logos365 "goals" year, so much growth which is painful. Sometimes it is hard to know what to say here as a result. My Abraham Journey is still going on, but sometimes the desert is tough. Sometimes I found myself asking, "What the hell are you doing here in Texas of all places, Emily?!" (Just being honest!) I wonder if Abraham would have kept a journal as he traveled "to the land where God would show him" what would be in it? Or Sarah's journal? Did they have moments of wondering what on earth they were doing? No, not doubts, but moments of disbelief that they were really where they were and confusion on how they got there at the same time. 19 months ago, I knew the first stop on my Abraham journey was Waco, Texas. Now I know my next stop on my Abraham journey is Waxahachie, Texas and I still have no idea how I will land there, but I know God is faithful.
Even in the silent month of August, I still wrote. My journal entries were multiple pages each day I'd write in it. I even wrote a couple poems. My Instagram posts were more raw and honest than they ever have been before. I think I needed the silent month here to reflect on what is ahead and what will soon be behind.
Sometimes silence brings more growth than words can bring understanding.
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