Dear Emily [Part 1]

Here are some things I want you to know. They are things about life, about yourself, and about God. I hope you find them helpful and guides to help you along the way as you grow.

1) Your life has a purpose that no other human being can take from you, no matter what happens in your life (good or bad). 

                 Critical events will happen in your life to strengthen you, to shape you, and to grow you into the person you will become. However, none of these situations will ever be able to rob you of your purpose that you were created for. Instead, they will serve to make you more effective in fulfilling the purpose. Not all of these events will be joyful, some will be so painful you would not wish them on your worst enemy. 

2) There will be days you will feel dying would be better than living.

                   Choose LIFE. Death is final, forever, and permanent. Living can becoming better, greater, and wonderful. Death is an escape, but living brings freedom. Be FREE.

3) People will fail you.

                   Your heart will be for people, to love them and to be loved by them. But people are bent towards failing. People will fail in following everything they believe and stand to be and, in doing so, they will fail you. They will hurt you deeply when they fail you, but they will also point you to the One who will never fail you. Cling to the One with your core being.

4) Cling to the One who will never fail you: God = Father. Son. Holy Spirit. = Three in One 

                    The Father loves you deeper than oceans, so deep scribes would run out of ink describing His love. The Son will also die for you and your pain, your mistakes, and for your love. The Holy Spirit will never stop guiding you, never stop counseling you, and never stop tenderly embracing you. Cling to the Living God. 

5) Never be ashamed of your loud laugh.

                    People will assume you're forcing it for attention, but that is because they are not free-spirited. Others will criticize its sound, but that is because they have boxed themselves in to a mold. Whenever you laugh, the Lord laughs with you. He will use your laughter to spread His joy to others. Be careful, though, not to use laughter to hide. Be fully present in every situation, no matter how hard it is. 

The Power of Forgiveness and Prayer

"let go and release the person to God."
              You hear it all the time . . .
               . . . to do it and feel the peace afterwards is unexplainable in words.

my journey to forgiveness with a particular individual was a long one.
               And God was okay with it . . .
                . . . He is in the healing business, you see.

every hurt, God saw. Every pain, God felt. Every injustice act, God understood on both sides.
               To know this was so freeing . . .
                . . . it was only then that I could share with Him my heart.

Who wants a life of bitterness? Who wants a life of anger? Who wants a life of pain?
                I never did, but I lived it . . .
                . . . When I finally got to forgiveness, years of healing had taken place by God.

There's so much that's said to us by people who mean well, who don't understand.
              When the course of your life is altered by one person's action, or inaction . . .
                . . . when the essence of who you are created to be is murdered . . .
                       . . . this is when forgiveness is a journey.

"Forgive and forget, like God."
                those words used to cut me like a knife. . . .
                . . . hearing them meant I was a failure.

Then, God opened my eyes to His character.
                God knows all things forever . . .
                 . . .  but forgets my shortcomings quicker than a blink of my eye.

How can I be like that?
                 it is impossible to be all knowing . . .
                 . . . striving to do so is in vain.

What I do know I can surrender.
                I get let go of the hurt, the pain, and the memories . . .
                 . . . this was the beginning of the journey to being like Him.

When the heart would stir the pain, I had a choice.
                I could own the pain forever and we'd remain friends . . .
                . . . or I could look deeper into the wound, apply medicine, bandages, and heal it.

Every memory holds a false belief.
                I could believe it to be truth . . .
                 . . . or I could excavate the ground beneath it to find its root and destroy it.

Forgetting is remembering without the pain.
                It is choosing to see the events objectively . . .
                . . . admitting how they affected you without seeking to destroy.

God remembers everything about me, but He still loves me anyway.
                 It is in this place that He died on the cross for me . . .
                 . . . it is in this place that He adopted me as His own.

I can forget like this.
                 I can have my memories of tragedy . . .
                 . . . and still choose to love you and still choose to see you with God's eyes alone.

My forgiveness journey was marked by my tears.
            Grieving for who the person, the offender, would never be . . .
             . . . and for their lack of ignorance to my pain and denial of their offence.

There's a river full of tears which God has numbered.
             I don't need to make the person see them . . .
             . . . the only One who truly matters has them stored in a bottle.

There's also a trail of blood a long the path I had to trod.
              I used to believe it was my blood, from the wounds on my heart . . .
              . . . to learn my wounds were also carried on the cross freed me from myself.

When we only see our pain and agony, we only see the darkness.
               I was ineffective and purposeless for God . . .
               . . . unable to share His love, His redemption, and His grace with others.

Prayer was the way to forgiveness.
             It was the only key that could unlock that door . . .
             . . . it was not an action I had to do, words I had to say.

Praying is communication with the Only One who matters.
             All I had to do was talk it through . . .
             . . . participate in a simple conversation.

There was no magical words or phrases I had to say.
              I just had to open my mouth and speak . . .
              . . . and open my hands in surrender.

There were these knots in my back for decades.
              They sat behind my shoulder blades and weighed me down . . .
              . . . nothing would make them go away, or the pain they caused to lessen.

After I prayed and forgave this person, they were gone.
               The weight has been lifted. . .
                . . . the physical ache is no more.

The power of forgiveness and prayer . . .
                . . . it is beyond anything I have ever experienced.

Stand in the Rain . . .

A long time ago, I came to realize I had a lot of crap to overcome. There's lots of abuses in my background, lots of lies I was told in my past, lots of heartaches, and lots of tears that have been shed. I remember thinking at one point if I just prayed harder, or saw my therapist the prescribed number of times that I would be over "it" . . . on the other side of normal. Then, God shook me and woke me up to His plan for my healing. 

In 2 Kings 5, we read the story of Naaman who had leprosy. The king tore his robes in disgrace that Naaman got this dreadful disease. Elisha confronted the king and summoned for him to send Naaman for healing. Naaman is headed to Elisha when he sends one of his messengers with Elisha's instructions: Go wash seven times in the Jordan River. Naaman reacts in anger because Elisha didn't just show up, touch him, speak a word or two and heal him. No doubt Elisha could have! Instead, another person speaks for Elisha and tells Naaman to go do something first in order for healing to come. Naaman, eventually is convinced to do what Elisha says and received healing. 

**Quick pause**

Many people will argue that healing is not for today, but a miraculous sign that Jesus only gave to his first Apostles to be used to advance the church. I will ruffle your feathers by saying that was just one purpose for healing. Furthermore, if healing was only for that time period, then this story in 2 Kings would not have ever occurred. Additionally, I will ask one question: If a bone breaks and you put it into a cast for 6-8 weeks, what happens? The answer is, "It heals!" Therefore, proof healing actually is for today and is not controlled by the boundaries we want to set for it. Let's move on . . . 

When it came to my past, around 19 everything was coming up to the surface. Maybe it was the fact I was in a community, surrounded by Christians for the very first time in my whole life that caused it to come? Maybe everything messed up inside me was coming out because I had stuff it for so long, thinking I had nothing wrong and was not affected by it? I don't know the answers for certain, but I do know that God allowed it to bubble to the surface and be seen by myself and every single person I came into contact with. It wasn't pretty. I was mean. I was angry. I hated people. I didn't trust a soul. I was also terrified. I couldn't sit in class without horrible images coming to mind of my past. I would lay down at night unable to shut off my brain. I would sleep all day if I could because anything else took so much effort. I struggled to take a shower, to brush my teeth, or to even go to work. Thankfully, I had a boss who understood and was very helpful if the anxiety showed up at work. There was a point when in a four hour shift at JoAnn Fabrics & Craft, I had to take 4 15 minute breaks because I was shaking so hard! I found a counselor, started an anti-anxiety and an anti-depressant, and I gave myself 3 months to beat this. 3 months came and I still felt horrible and I was on my 4th therapist! It was at this point I moved away from my college town and back to my hometown. 

There's one thing I absolutely hate about small towns--the rumor mill. By the time I moved, stayed with a family for a couple months, and then moved to my own apartment, there was so much I was feeling. I was approached by someone who said, "Here's my number. Call me when you get those thoughts again." And I realized one popular rumor was I left college because I was suicidal, not true but depression typically goes with suicide so I couldn't be angry. I went to church once and I was met by someone who sat with me during donuts and coffee and she said, "Emily, you are using everything to just get attention. Even your laugh is your way of getting noticed in a crowd. We've all be talking about how you are just attention-seeking and think it is time you quit it." Regardless of whether her statement was literally true, I immediately swore of church and started thinking about swearing off "organized religion" all together. I pictured the church gathered together on Sunday for a sermon and the pastor pausing to have this "Emily-Bash" and it prevented me from trusting Christians for a very long time, like 4 years. 

By 2004, I had started going to church again and found a Christian counselor. For the next four years we worked through a lot of things, but the biggest thing was the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Workbook. This workbook was my cure for the intense PTSD that I had that started back when I was in college. After this, I once again thought: I'm HEALED! I'm GREAT! Woohoo!!! 

During these years, my counselor and I realized I had developed an eating disorder back in the 5th grade called Binge Eating Disorder (BED). BED was just getting recognized by the psychology world and not many treatment centers for eating disorders had programs for it specifically. As a result of this, my therapist suggested we table it and focus on the PTSD stuff first. In 2008, when my time with this came to an end, my BED was at its peak. It was how I dealt with every single thing that happened in life. At one point, I had a food for every emotion. Unfortunately, I was doing well otherwise, so I thought no counseling was needed. I decided it would be better for me to go back to dieting.

I started my first diet as a Junior in high school. It consisted of skipping breakfast, eating half of my school lunch, and drinking water only. I tried Weight Watchers next in college, after being convinced the only way I could lose the amount of weight I needed to was to pay for it. When that didn't work, I decided paying to gain weight was stupid, so I quit that too. Then, I tried this faith-based program that someone paid for me and again....I didn't do well and quit. Since this I have tried gluten/casein free diet, Mediterranean Diet, Atkins Diet, ADA/exchanges diet, and calorie counting. Nothing every worked! I remember the scale climbing and every time I saw the number, I saw who I was and it was horrible. 

Three years ago, I went to Melrose Institute for eating disorder treatment. It was an out-patient program, so I could still work because my team decided that, although I really qualified for admission to the in-patient program, it could disrupt a lot that was going on in my life. I went to a group session for 3 hours every week, saw my dietician weekly, and saw a therapist again weekly as well. This was my life for nine months. It was the hardest thing I think I have ever done in my life so far. I'm happy to report that Thanksgiving 2016 will be my Two Year recovery date! 24 months free of binge eating! To clarify, my binges were 1500-3500 calories in a sitting, after my normal 1500 calorie intake for the day. I had done this for 22 years! 

It was in the middle of treatment, God showed me another part of my healing journey in John 9. Here the blind man begged for healing. People who knew of him and his family blamed the sins of his parents, his sins, and were convinced he was blind as punishment for their sins. Jesus shows up and rebukes this and says, "He was blind so I can show you who I am." (Loose paraphrase) Then, Jesus spits in the dirt, makes mud pies, and puts them on the blind man's eyes. You know what is mind-blowing to me? Besides the fact Jesus made mud pies and rendered them holy by doing so, He destroyed the idea that physical ailments are a form of punishment. Instead, they could be present to help people see who Jesus is! WOW! So at this point, the blind man with the mud pies was probably confused. I mean, he believed Jesus would heal him and I'm convinced this wasn't the first time he positioned himself to be ready for Jesus. This blind guy knew who Jesus was, knew His healing powers, and kept showing up. He heard blind people seeing. He heard paralyzed people leaping and dancing in laughter. Now it was his turn and he's got mud pies made of SPIT on his eyes! Instead of getting up and walking away in disgust, he still sat there ready for what Jesus was gonna do next! Jesus tells him, "Go wash in the pool of Siloam." This guy did that and went home seeing. I read this story and remembered the 2 Kings 5 story and I wept!

Like these men, I had to do something to receive my healing. Their healing was a journey too and it took effort. They couldn't just use any water. They couldn't just go through the motions. Their healing wasn't in an instant, but required a process. They had to choose to follow through with the process, or it wouldn't have happened. 

Here I am now, still dealing with pieces of the junk that is yet to be fully gone. I always knew this journey was necessary, but I never knew when it would end for me. Instead, I just kept walking and doing my part. I kept washing in my well year after year, waiting for Jesus to show up and say, "YES! Look at what I did!" 

I have an amazing therapist again who is such an ally. At the same time, the discipleship school has turned into this place where the balm of Gilead gets poured out over me every single week. Every time I get washed in this balm, a new wound is healed. I was not expecting this at all! It's painful, exhausting, and sometimes it's scary because I am not in control and I do not know what is coming. I just know I'm supposed to do my part.

Today God spoke something powerful: This is the year of completion. Twenty-five years of suffering and agony. A fifteen years long journey. This is the year of completion. 

When I was five years into this journey, a powerful song came out that I play regularly for myself. The rainstorm has been intense and I have felt the rain like needles most days. The wind in the storm has knocked me over, but I have stood up again and again. Now, I'm firmly standing and hearing from the Weatherman the system is dissipating! I just gotta stand there a little longer . . .