There’s a time of year that is hard for me more than any other part and that is Sept-Feb. I have lots of reasons for this, but it mostly is because my life changed the most in this time period and I am still dealing with the after affects as an adult.
September was the month the “big secret” came out and exposed my abuser of 5 years. Since it was a family member, I was terrified and tried to hide it because I thought I would get into trouble. By October, I was disowned by my paternal side of the family. I was only 15 years old when one of my closest aunts told me to my face, “I don’t believe you. As far as I’m concerned, you’re dead to me and I want nothing to do with you.” And all other family closest to me said similar things. This was the beginning of being alone and rejected on every single holiday.
Thanksgiving was holiday my family celebrated by gathering together for a large meal. Aunts, uncles, cousins, my grandparents all in the paternal side, and my immediate family that still lived at home would gather together on this day. To suddenly have no where to go was a shock to my system and, as a kid, I filled in the blanks on the pieces missing. When I couldn’t understand why I was rejected by my extended family, I just heard the words they said and internalized them as an identity. From that moment I became a lot of things and hated was the best word that fit. What was even harder was when my own parents decided I wasn’t worth being with on the holiday either. Instead, they left me alone with a Banquet Turkey TV dinner. What I believed at this point was that I was not worth love and support, only rejection and abandonment. I remember vowing that if I ever had a child of my own, they would never know what this felt like, no matter what they did.
I grew up Catholic and in a very strict Diocese. At one point, I thought I would become a Nun, but that’s a different blog. My point is this upbringing started me seeking out my walk with God. My family went to mass on Christmas Eve at Midnight. We had a lot of traditions for Christmas and they all surrounded being together, presents, lots of food, and presents. The Santa present was the one thing you really wanted and was held back for Christmas Day. Sometimes we would also celebrate with the extended family as well. This was what we did when I was in high school. In December the exact same year of the September, October, and Thanksgiving I spoke up, it all changed. We no longer did presents as an immediate family on the holiday. Instead it was done sometime that week. We stopped going to Mass, so if I wanted to go I had to walk alone and go by myself. My parents, again, went to our extended family Christmas that I was not allowed to attend. Instead, my parents bought ham & cheese Oscar Meyer slices for me to make sandwiches with. With all these changes in December, I felt like my world had ended as I knew it just for telling the truth and of the nightmare I lived for 5 years. I decided to close off people and be a hermit. I decided that was better because if I couldn’t trust my own family to love and accept me, how could I trust anyone else. And while I loved to sing and cherished Christmas hymns and carols, they morphed into melodies of torture to my heart. Instead of remembering fondly a Christmas Eve mass at candlelight, I was fighting back tears unsuccessfully sitting alone as a 9th grader.
January and February were lost to trying to process what all happened the few months before. They were needed to be able to awaken to the Spring and the hope of a fresh perspective. They were used to help me redefine my life as an orphan, which is how I truly felt I had become especially since my maternal side of my family was miles and states away in California and we never did anything for any holiday with them. I found myself year after year hating the holidays and refusing to even decorate a Christmas tree.
Eventually, I have created my own traditions. I do 30 Days of Thankfulness in November to focus on what I do have and to be thankful in ALL things. I celebrate Advent in order to prepare my heart for Christmas and the coming Messiah. I usually will read a devotional, and light my Advent wreath each year. For Christmas Day celebration, I try to find something on Christmas Eve to go to that is a bit more traditional. I spend Dec 26-31 looking back on my year and preparing for the year to come. These traditions do not ever center around people, but deeply upon God and my faith journey because the holidays for me are less about the people I am with and more about the God Who has ALWAYS loved and accepted me.
Why am I writing this on a blog? Well, because I am nothing if not honest and vulnerable. The people who read this blog are people who know me personally, typically not strangers. And it seemed fitting because I am joining my church here in Waco on a series called “40 Days of Breakthrough” where we are each creating space for God to do a breakthrough in our lives.
One area of breakthrough I am contending for is the fear of rejection and abandonment. To learn the connection to this struggle dates back to 15 year old Emily means I have had this fear for 23 years! It was NOT an unjustifiable fear for me either! It was something that all ready played out with my relationships with blood family, the people who are to be the closest to you. It is no surprise then that this fear not only took root, but has been able to still be a strong fear in adulthood! The problem is it doesn’t serve me to cope with it by isolation, or lack of community like it once did. As I let go of those coping strategies that helped me make it through the worst days of my high school years, I was face to face with this fear still holding me back from what God had for me.
God promises us in 2 Timothy that He doesn’t give us a spirit of fear. He gives us LOVE, power, and self-discipline. As I realized this promise, I came face to face with a LOVE that welcomed me in and accepted me. In Isaiah 45, this same LOVE says that I am redeemed, called by my name, and God tells me sweetly, “You are MINE.” This hit me hard this week to realize the connection of my identity in Christ smashing this fear I had held onto for SO LONG. When I asked God to take this and give me something better, He sweetly, gently said, “I will gladly take this from you. And instead give you love and acceptance.” I can’t tell you the number of tears that I cried, but He collected everyone. And even though I know this wasn’t the end of the battle for this breakthrough, I made significant progress that I would not have ever made had I not allowed myself to finally “go there” and be open to changing a perspective and be open to this area of my heart to experience healing. God is faithful. Even the hard seasons have a purpose to connect you deeper to Him.
Friday, November 1, 2019
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
Not of This World
“Do not be conformed to this world (any longer with its superficial values and customs), but be transformed and progressively changed (as you mature spiritually) by the renewing of your mind (focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes), so that you may prove (for yourselves) what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect (in His plan and purpose for you).” ~ Romans 12:2 ~
It is hard for people to understand you when you do something different than they would. It is even harder for them to understand when you resist common cultural actions. People easily, freely judge you and come down on you as a result and this can make it incredibly hard. Yet, I have come to realize this eighth month of “Transform:2019,” every area I am different is worth enduring every ounce of criticism.
One area that is different is I refuse to ever have a car loan. No, I’m not scared of a loan. I just don’t want to borrow funds for something that doesn’t last. I also don’t believe in just impulsively committing to a huge financial obligation while my income is still so unpredictable. I have been judged a lot about this recently as my car’s transmission gave out a few weeks ago. Right now, I have no car. I travel by bus to work, have a small number of friends who are willing to bring me home, I can Lyft but I only do this when it is absolutely necessary or affordable, and otherwise I walk! The last time I was in this situation for for a year and a half. I was met with folks who offered to help, with offers to get me a loan through their bank, or to take me car shopping. It was very nice and very considerate. When I shared I didn’t want a loan, no one knew what to say. Why? It is countercultural in America to not have a car loan. I’m not judging others choices, but just comparing that my decision is rare in comparison. People run across me and do not know how to respond. Yet one thing is certain, I am not ashamed of this conviction.
I will only live where God beings me to and I will try hard to bloom where I am planted. God brought me to Waco, TX in 2015 and I believe it is proof He has a sense of humor!! He took a winter season, fall season lover and put her in the hottest part of the south. This past week has been miserable and I have felt so hot. I have had a couple friends suggest I should consider a move since I can’t seem to get used to it. And the thing is, I know I’m not to be here in Waco forever, but I also know my next place to live will be where God calls me. It isn’t about my wants, my preferences, or what I love. I go where He sends me, this is the life I lead.
I have come to believe that if I am annoyed with someone else, I have a problem that I need to address WITH MYSELF, not the other person. And this means when someone else wants to confront me for my annoying them, my typical response is usually, “Do you believe it is another person’s responsibility to deal with your emotional responses?”? Sometimes I am looked confused. Other times, people change the subject. We have come to be a very emotionally ignorant culture, which I once was and am still not perfect after eating disorder treatment, but I am much better! When I am annoyed, I believe it is time to stop and ask myself, “What do I assume is going through the other person’s mind?” “How is my stress level and how is it influencing my emotions when I interact with this person?” And “Am I being bothered or inconvenienced by the other person? If so, is it their intent and do they know they have their timing off? Could I be assuming the worst about them?” Usually, one of these questions hit me in the gut and help me realize where the struggle actually is, within myself. I don’t own other people’s attempts at deflecting responsibility for their emotional coping into me. However, I do massively hate being misunderstood and will feel like a failure of a person if someone tries to confront me and assume they know what I think or feel, which so far everyone has been wrong about. I care even if you’re asking me to carry something I know isn’t my load to bare. This can be a sticking point sometimes, but I have had a much richer experience with others when I don’t pick up what was never intended for me. The ones that do not understand it either ask and learn about this more so they can experience this freedom, or they get pushed off and write me off. If they write me off over this boundary, then I do not think they ever valued the relationship to begin with.
Choosing to go against the tide isn’t easy, but it is the best thing I have ever done.
It is hard for people to understand you when you do something different than they would. It is even harder for them to understand when you resist common cultural actions. People easily, freely judge you and come down on you as a result and this can make it incredibly hard. Yet, I have come to realize this eighth month of “Transform:2019,” every area I am different is worth enduring every ounce of criticism.
One area that is different is I refuse to ever have a car loan. No, I’m not scared of a loan. I just don’t want to borrow funds for something that doesn’t last. I also don’t believe in just impulsively committing to a huge financial obligation while my income is still so unpredictable. I have been judged a lot about this recently as my car’s transmission gave out a few weeks ago. Right now, I have no car. I travel by bus to work, have a small number of friends who are willing to bring me home, I can Lyft but I only do this when it is absolutely necessary or affordable, and otherwise I walk! The last time I was in this situation for for a year and a half. I was met with folks who offered to help, with offers to get me a loan through their bank, or to take me car shopping. It was very nice and very considerate. When I shared I didn’t want a loan, no one knew what to say. Why? It is countercultural in America to not have a car loan. I’m not judging others choices, but just comparing that my decision is rare in comparison. People run across me and do not know how to respond. Yet one thing is certain, I am not ashamed of this conviction.
I will only live where God beings me to and I will try hard to bloom where I am planted. God brought me to Waco, TX in 2015 and I believe it is proof He has a sense of humor!! He took a winter season, fall season lover and put her in the hottest part of the south. This past week has been miserable and I have felt so hot. I have had a couple friends suggest I should consider a move since I can’t seem to get used to it. And the thing is, I know I’m not to be here in Waco forever, but I also know my next place to live will be where God calls me. It isn’t about my wants, my preferences, or what I love. I go where He sends me, this is the life I lead.
I have come to believe that if I am annoyed with someone else, I have a problem that I need to address WITH MYSELF, not the other person. And this means when someone else wants to confront me for my annoying them, my typical response is usually, “Do you believe it is another person’s responsibility to deal with your emotional responses?”? Sometimes I am looked confused. Other times, people change the subject. We have come to be a very emotionally ignorant culture, which I once was and am still not perfect after eating disorder treatment, but I am much better! When I am annoyed, I believe it is time to stop and ask myself, “What do I assume is going through the other person’s mind?” “How is my stress level and how is it influencing my emotions when I interact with this person?” And “Am I being bothered or inconvenienced by the other person? If so, is it their intent and do they know they have their timing off? Could I be assuming the worst about them?” Usually, one of these questions hit me in the gut and help me realize where the struggle actually is, within myself. I don’t own other people’s attempts at deflecting responsibility for their emotional coping into me. However, I do massively hate being misunderstood and will feel like a failure of a person if someone tries to confront me and assume they know what I think or feel, which so far everyone has been wrong about. I care even if you’re asking me to carry something I know isn’t my load to bare. This can be a sticking point sometimes, but I have had a much richer experience with others when I don’t pick up what was never intended for me. The ones that do not understand it either ask and learn about this more so they can experience this freedom, or they get pushed off and write me off. If they write me off over this boundary, then I do not think they ever valued the relationship to begin with.
Choosing to go against the tide isn’t easy, but it is the best thing I have ever done.
Sunday, June 16, 2019
6 Months of Transform
2019 has not been the easiest year. I am learning when God gives you a big word, He plans to work! My word is transform and He has transformed a lot of things.
My heart is changing in a lot of ways. For the past year I have worked hard to develop kindness as an attribute. It’s not been easy and I haven’t been kind daily, but I realize that the fruit of the Spirit are not just given to us. We have to take time to develop these traits and surrender the old ways. I am also realizing how I struggle with insecurity in general and it’s been at the core of my anxiety struggles. There’s not one area that I’m insecure in so much as a general sense of being insecure. I can recall moments where I made some really silly decisions because I was insecure. I can also recall moments of confidence and would like to see the day when those moments are greater than the insecure ones.
Recently, my anxiety has returned. This isn’t a huge surprise because the summer started when it returned. My anxiety seems to parallel seasons of transition and uncertainty. With the summer starting, there’s no concrete hours of work since I work for the school district and get to have summers off. I do not do well without a schedule or routine, so I am noticing my anxiety showing up. I was talking about this with a friend recently and realized it isn’t so much a constant worry for me. Now that I have been in therapy and God has healed so much of my struggles, it’s not that I worry. It’s just a state of being. It’s just an emotion that doesn’t seem to want to go away, just silently present. My heart is learning what abiding in God is like. I don’t always do well with abiding because of how I process struggles.
As I focus on Transform, I have come to learn a few things about myself I never knew. First, when life is challenging, I pull away and go inward. For example, today is Father’s Day and it’s a mixed bag for me. I have a lot of struggle with this day since I am no longer in contact with my parents. I didn’t want to go to church and hear a sermon all about it, so I stayed home. Later, I went on my Sabbath date with Abba, God. I watched a YouTube video about the father heart of God and was reminded of some truths. Now, after a day of solitude, I just might be able to reach out to a couple friends and hang out this week. It is not my first instinct to reach out to anyone because I have always been a party of one. Even growing up, in some of the hardest days, there wasn’t anyone in my corner. Now that I have some great friends, community of life group, and have folks I could call, I still think I have to go it alone.
I have also learned that I love to help others. When I do not do this, I feel like my life is wasting away. As dark as that sounds, it is the only way I can describe the feeling. I started noticing this late last year, so I began praying about it off and on. Then, out of time praying, I decided the easiest thing to do is to start serving at church again. With my sensory struggles previously, I quit serving and have periodically worked very part-time with kids ministry. I wasn’t sure I could handle it yet, but I am happy to report that there has been tremendous healing in ways I had been told would never improve. By serving consistently, I am realizing a sense of purpose I had missed in a long time. I love knowing families are being strengthened in their spiritual journey because I am loving on their 2 year olds!
Perhaps the biggest transformation in my life is that I am no longer in therapy. The process has been in the works around the holidays, but finally came to an end this May. I would be lying if I said I was happy and excited about it. I think this is another part of the transition that brought my subtle anxiety back. I’m scared to process alone, or that what I feel is too much. Being an empath, you feel so much and you carry on so much that isn’t your’s to carry. God has shown me that He is the best Counselor and I need to spend more time abiding in Him and less time trying to process my imperfect life perfectly. The truth is, I am light years away from my first counseling session and God used every session to heal me, but He will also continue to heal me while I abide in Him and seek Him. Still, it has been an adjustment.
Lastly, my last post alluded to false labels being placed on me by others. It has been six months and God continues to remind me that people are not able to define us, only God Can. I am so thankful to learn this and to have reminders to focus on my Identity in Christ and who He says I am. No one can discount what God sees in me. A group of friends and I are going over “Victory Over Darkness” by Neil Anderson this summer. It has been a great review for me in this season of finally stepping out of turning to people for my value and identity.
In many ways, this year I have reminded myself of junior high girls I love dearly, with their awkward responses, silly concerns, and identity crisis, that I have felt a bit surprised at being 37 and just now coming to an awareness of things. It also hasn’t been easy to write about and it has been deeply personal. I haven’t shared here because I haven’t had the words. Only a handful of people even know the specific, deeply tender things this post alludes to. Those people are dear friends who have held space to me when my own family has rejected me, or caused me to have to have strict boundaries. As I navigate this, it has been an interesting stretching and observations of my tendency to also pull away from God. I don’t pull away out of fear, but out of my heartaches. So this has also been a time of relearning how to cast all of my cares upon Him.
I am thankful to see the word transform mark me. Transform spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. This year has been all that and a side of toast!
My heart is changing in a lot of ways. For the past year I have worked hard to develop kindness as an attribute. It’s not been easy and I haven’t been kind daily, but I realize that the fruit of the Spirit are not just given to us. We have to take time to develop these traits and surrender the old ways. I am also realizing how I struggle with insecurity in general and it’s been at the core of my anxiety struggles. There’s not one area that I’m insecure in so much as a general sense of being insecure. I can recall moments where I made some really silly decisions because I was insecure. I can also recall moments of confidence and would like to see the day when those moments are greater than the insecure ones.
Recently, my anxiety has returned. This isn’t a huge surprise because the summer started when it returned. My anxiety seems to parallel seasons of transition and uncertainty. With the summer starting, there’s no concrete hours of work since I work for the school district and get to have summers off. I do not do well without a schedule or routine, so I am noticing my anxiety showing up. I was talking about this with a friend recently and realized it isn’t so much a constant worry for me. Now that I have been in therapy and God has healed so much of my struggles, it’s not that I worry. It’s just a state of being. It’s just an emotion that doesn’t seem to want to go away, just silently present. My heart is learning what abiding in God is like. I don’t always do well with abiding because of how I process struggles.
As I focus on Transform, I have come to learn a few things about myself I never knew. First, when life is challenging, I pull away and go inward. For example, today is Father’s Day and it’s a mixed bag for me. I have a lot of struggle with this day since I am no longer in contact with my parents. I didn’t want to go to church and hear a sermon all about it, so I stayed home. Later, I went on my Sabbath date with Abba, God. I watched a YouTube video about the father heart of God and was reminded of some truths. Now, after a day of solitude, I just might be able to reach out to a couple friends and hang out this week. It is not my first instinct to reach out to anyone because I have always been a party of one. Even growing up, in some of the hardest days, there wasn’t anyone in my corner. Now that I have some great friends, community of life group, and have folks I could call, I still think I have to go it alone.
I have also learned that I love to help others. When I do not do this, I feel like my life is wasting away. As dark as that sounds, it is the only way I can describe the feeling. I started noticing this late last year, so I began praying about it off and on. Then, out of time praying, I decided the easiest thing to do is to start serving at church again. With my sensory struggles previously, I quit serving and have periodically worked very part-time with kids ministry. I wasn’t sure I could handle it yet, but I am happy to report that there has been tremendous healing in ways I had been told would never improve. By serving consistently, I am realizing a sense of purpose I had missed in a long time. I love knowing families are being strengthened in their spiritual journey because I am loving on their 2 year olds!
Perhaps the biggest transformation in my life is that I am no longer in therapy. The process has been in the works around the holidays, but finally came to an end this May. I would be lying if I said I was happy and excited about it. I think this is another part of the transition that brought my subtle anxiety back. I’m scared to process alone, or that what I feel is too much. Being an empath, you feel so much and you carry on so much that isn’t your’s to carry. God has shown me that He is the best Counselor and I need to spend more time abiding in Him and less time trying to process my imperfect life perfectly. The truth is, I am light years away from my first counseling session and God used every session to heal me, but He will also continue to heal me while I abide in Him and seek Him. Still, it has been an adjustment.
Lastly, my last post alluded to false labels being placed on me by others. It has been six months and God continues to remind me that people are not able to define us, only God Can. I am so thankful to learn this and to have reminders to focus on my Identity in Christ and who He says I am. No one can discount what God sees in me. A group of friends and I are going over “Victory Over Darkness” by Neil Anderson this summer. It has been a great review for me in this season of finally stepping out of turning to people for my value and identity.
In many ways, this year I have reminded myself of junior high girls I love dearly, with their awkward responses, silly concerns, and identity crisis, that I have felt a bit surprised at being 37 and just now coming to an awareness of things. It also hasn’t been easy to write about and it has been deeply personal. I haven’t shared here because I haven’t had the words. Only a handful of people even know the specific, deeply tender things this post alludes to. Those people are dear friends who have held space to me when my own family has rejected me, or caused me to have to have strict boundaries. As I navigate this, it has been an interesting stretching and observations of my tendency to also pull away from God. I don’t pull away out of fear, but out of my heartaches. So this has also been a time of relearning how to cast all of my cares upon Him.
I am thankful to see the word transform mark me. Transform spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. This year has been all that and a side of toast!
Saturday, January 19, 2019
My Name Is
My name is Emily, but as I write here I use my pen name Emma Leigh. There's so much power in that name for me that I would actually love to change my name to it one day. There's plenty of other names and labels I have been given over the years. Annoying baby sister seems to somehow still be the default of all my siblings, or even baby sister--never mind the fact I am presently 37 years old. I know all youngest children in the world would love to actually been seen as an adult by their older siblings, so just a nod to you all--the struggle is REAL. Another is unchurched kid, which I heavily was labeled at the first youth group I attended, so much so that when I was chosen to be on the student leadership team all the churched kids were shocked. There was a lot of awkward questions during those days that the churched kids were shocked I asked, "Movies have ratings? What does that mean?" "Wait a minute Pastor, I'm in the table of contents trying to find the page number to the book you just said!!" One I will never forget asking, "How is sucks or stupid a swear word exactly?" Those were the days. However, when I came back from a few years of college I was still the unchurched kid, but also the college drop-out. Any hopes of serving, or being seen differently went out the window. As a result, I had to find a different church to attend.
Now in my thirties, I find there's a list of labels from others I can't seem to shake. Some are ones that people pin on me based on their assumptions. Recently, this has happened a lot. I was told I was a contrarian just because I hold drastically different opinions of the person that said it, apparently my intent in their view is to thrive on being difficult. I have been told I am a liar, when the fact is I never said what I was accused of, nor did I do what I was accused of. I really could go on, but what's the point? My point is less what I'm being labeled and more the fact that I am being labeled by others.
What's really sad about this is that my top love languages are tied: touch and words of affirmation. The struggle with words of affirmation as your top love language is the negative, insulting words of others become next to impossible to shake. They become toxic to you in deep ways compared to affirming words. For me, they become hard to let go of, deeply damaging, and make me reweigh the relationship all together. I end up getting frustrated, hurt, and almost critically wounded by some--especially ones that attack my character in some way, and especially if they come from someone who doesn't really know me on a personal level.
Recently, during my quiet time I started journaling out one recent situation with someone. As I wrote out the details, I found the root of the issue: I'm being mislabeled, misnamed, and essentially unknown despite my best efforts to connect with folks. As I realized this, I prayed and asked God about the source of the issue. In all the situations, I am being sized up and either identified by my past, or being disliked. So long as you hate something, or someone, your view of it/them is tainted. Take for example peas, which I have hated since I was a toddler. My mother would tell me stories of how great an eater I was except peas, and the faces I would make. I have tried them as an adult and I still hate them. In fact, I hate them so much that I pick them out to the side instead of suffering through a bite. This is how it is with people mislabeling me, they've already reached a conclusion and can't even stand a bite, so they toss me aside and slap a label on me that justifies their opinion. This was a huge revelation because when you're being judged, you don't stand a chance to be a friend, a sister, a daughter, or a valuable youth group member.
My name is . . . when we start talking about our identity, we often get it wrapped around what others say we are, what others think we are, or what we do; mom, wife, teacher, friend, etc. This isn't necessarily bad except that a day may come when you're no longer "doing" that, or "being" that role and you'll have an identity crisis. This is often the case of empty nest mom's. For years, they were mom and maybe made the kids their world. Now that ALL have left the nest, they don't know who they are, or what they should do because they let what they were doing define their identity. When we let others label us, we will find a crisis of identity when who we are truly clashes with what people claim. This is an unsettling tension that can create unnecessary guilt, especially if you're letting the labels in from people who don't truly know you, or care to know you, hold instead of who you truly are, that others who know your well claim. Much like someone hating you and never letting go of why they hate you, you can try your whole life to prove yourself to them, but unless they let go of their hate and bitterness, you do not stand a chance.
After all of this realization and revelation, my next thought was, "What can I do about it?" It is really normal in our human nature to want to defend ourselves, explain or actions or thought process, and try to get someone to see a little bit of the truth. However, we can't control other people and we are just creating more dysfunction if we try. I have learned to step back from people who constantly mislabel me and only choose to see me in a negative light. Yes, it bothers me greatly they see me the way they do. I have decided it is worse for me to play their song and dance of dysfunction than let them believe how they will about me. To go a step further, I have also decided God will defend me better than I can, so why bother trying? Instead, I look at what they are not saying. By constantly having a negative opinion of me, constantly pointing out my flaws, or being the first to criticize what I say they are actually proving they really don't like me and do not want a relationship with me. Therefore, I step back. I refuse to throw myself on someone for a friendship, biological family relationship, or otherwise if they only want to see me negatively. I'm not saying I do not have my faults, or that at one point I was not the annoying baby sister, but to still be seen in that way or only seen by my faults is not fair. It is also not healthy.
One of the hardest things I have had to work through over the years is forgiveness. In my early twenties, I went through a season of deep, justifiable anger. I was angry at everything and everyone because I didn't know what I was truly feeling. Anger is a secondary emotion, which means another emotion is at its core. For me, anger comes out most often if I'm feeling dysfunction, victimization, or being unjustifiably accused. In my twenties, ALL of that was going on and I was so angry that I couldn't even see it objectively. I was the meanest person and I hated it. I would say and do things that I can't even believe I said or did today. I had to learn how to deal with anger, how to deal with situations and people that are out of my control, and how to accept I do not have to be everyone's friend.
I have this deep desire to just be liked and a friend by everyone I meet. This means that it's rather shocking sometimes when I learn I'm simply not everyone's cup of tea, some prefer only coffee. It also means, I went through a hard season learning that people pleasing is not the answer. Instead, focusing on having a pure heart and making sure God's opinion is the only one Who truly matters. For me, this is accomplished when I take the time to explain the situation, see the root issue, and then ask, "What can I do about it?" Some may default to "Nothing," but I don't agree with that being an option. I believe we can always do something.
In cases where the normal response is, "You can't do anything," I have a few things I do. First, I commit to pray for the person. To be honest, the recent situations with people are less than a handful, but for me even one is too many. This isn't a huge commitment, I just include them on my daily list as long as the situation bothers me. Whenever the situation or person comes to mind and I'm tempted to have false guilt, or feel bad, I pray. I will pray for their heart to soften and for them to be accepting of others.
Another thing I do is asked God, "What is my role here?" 99% of the time, He says, "Step back and give them space." I don't tell them I'm stepping back, I just do it. I wait for them to contact me when they decide to contact me. I respond when they do graciously and lovingly also, which is the third step: Choose to not hold a grudge.
I refuse to let anger make a foothold in my life anymore. I'm not angry with any of the small number of people I've dealt with recently, or the old youth group kids I was dealing with. If anything I'm saddened. I'm saddened by the lens they see through and I'm saddened I can't have a deeper relationship with them. I do not hold a grudge because I don't see them with eyes of offense, but eyes of who they are and who they could become. You see, no one is perfect. I have a lot of flaws . . . I don't trust easily, I don't always have a good balance of listening or talking, I avoid conflict like the black plague and shut down or run away to hide from it, and I really suck at laughing quietly no matter how hard I try. The thing is, a true friend or someone who is in a healthy relationship with you will see you for you are at your core, beyond your flaws. If someone only sees your flaws, the relationship is massively dysfunctional. When someone hurts me, I feel it but then I have a choice with how I want to handle it. In that choice, I refuse to let anger rule and reign within me because it only destroys the person being angry. Did you catch that? Let me say it again: Anger destroys the person who is angry, NOT the person you are angry with. I refuse to destroy myself.
One other thing I do is honor their boundary. The person does not like me. I'm super bummed for sure, maybe even cried a little bit, or a lot. It's okay to feel the pain or loss connected to the relationship, no matter how close it was or wasn't. I would say, the closer you were, the deeper the loss and you probably have a grieving process you need to do. This is healthy humans being human. I have learned though, it's not necessary for me to go to them and demand to know why they feel a certain way, or defend yourself. It doesn't end well and it doesn't help the situation. They don't like me, so it's probably best for both of us for me to move on. Again, I don't tell them I'm moving on because I don't think it's necessary. It also could be that I'm an INFJ, which means we don't burn bridges, we just stop crossing them and maintaining them so they become structurally deficient and disappear over time. As funny as that meme is, it's really true! I just think that the biggest reason for this is by honoring their boundary, we can both move on to better places and surround ourselves with our tribe. Not everyone will be in your tribe, so you can let go of those who are not when you realize this.
Lastly, and maybe the most important step, I remind myself of Who God says I am.
In Christ, my name is Accepted.
I am God's child. (Jn 1:12)
I am Christ's friend. (Jn 15:15)
I have been justified. (Rm 5:1)
I am united with the Lord and one with Him in spirit. (1 Cor 6:17)
I have been bought with a price, I belong to God. (1 Cor 6:20)
I am a member of Christ's body. (1 Cor 12:27)
I am a saint. (Eph 1:1)
I have been adopted as God's child. (Eph 1:5)
I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit. (Eph 2:18)
I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. (Col 1:14)
I am complete in Christ. (Col 2:10)
In Christ, my name is Secure.
I am free forever of condemnation. (Rom 8:1-2)
I am assured that all things work together for good. (Rom 8:28)
I am free from any condemning charges against me. (Rom 8:33-34)
I cannot be separated from the love of God. (Rom 8:35)
I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God. (2 Cor 1:21)
I am hidden with Christ in God. (Col 3:3)
I am confident that the good work God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil 1:6)
I am a citizen of heaven.(Phil 3:20)
I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. (2 Tim 1:7)
I can find grace and mercy in time of need. (Heb 4:16)
I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me. (1 Jn 5:18)
In Christ, my name is Significant.
I am the salt of the earth. (Matt 5:13-14)
I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of His life. (Jn 15:1-5)
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. (Jn 15:16)
I am a personal witness of Christ's. (Acts 1:8)
I am God's temple. (1 Cor 3:16)
I am a minister of reconciliation. (2 Cor 5:17-20)
I am God's coworker. (2 Cor 6:1)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm. (Eph 2:6)
I am God's workmanship. (Eph 2:10)
I may approach God with freedom and confidence. (Eph 3:12)
I can do all through through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)
You see, at the end of the day, my name is whatever God says it is. When all that truly matters is Him, then it frees you to be able to accept that another human being may not like you. It also makes it better for you to move on easily, instead of stumbling into sin, or becoming entrapped in dysfunction.
Before I end, a random thought came to me, "When do you apologize?" If I get the intuitive vibe that someone is upset with me, I have a decision to make. The common response for most people is what I call, over-apologizing. You see, just because there's some sort of friction does not mean I have to own it. In fact, just because I got offended, hurt, annoyed, frustrated, etc by someone doesn't mean they did anything wrong. 99% of the time, things like this are because of my own heart issues. So I take time and ask God, "What do you say about it? Search me and reveal my heart to me, Lord." If I'm shown there's an issue in my heart, then I can't expect another person to apologize. In fact, maybe I need to be apologizing to God for being so quick to be offended! Things like being annoyed or frustrated with someone is not anyone else's fault but your own. Why are you annoyed by them? What's the sticking point for you in your heart of hearts? You need to deal with that! You don't have to go apologize because something is array.
You could ask the person, "Is there something wrong?" This could be a 50/50 shot of going really badly, or really great. For one, the person could get even more angry because you have no clue they have hated you all their life and you are clueless. On the other side, may be they have wanted to talk to you but they don't have words and your olive branch is what they needed. I really don't do this unless there's been proof the relationship is far from dysfunctional and I'm not being mislabeled offensively. If they are mislabeling me in a deeply offensive way, I don't think it helps to approach them at all. On the other hand, if they've never done this before and start acting strangely, I will go to them and ask, "Is everything okay? Do we need to talk?" There's still a risk here and you just have decided what's best for the relationship overall.
I apologize when God reveals to me I did something wrong, I have accidentally offended someone by my words or actions, and I knowingly did something wrong. I refuse to apologize any other time because it is not my cross to bear, it's the other person's. They also may not need to apologize to me, I mean if it truly is simply that they don't like me, it would be silly to expect an apology for that, right?! "I'm sorry I don't like you, Lucy." "It's okay, Marsha. I forgive you for having your own personal preferences. Good luck in life." Just because there's hurt, pain, sadness, or even conflict in a relationship doesn't mean there's an offense that needs to be dealt with. I would argue, the root of a lot of major mental illnesses is the constant struggle with finding offense and blaming others for everything, and taking no ownership for yourself. This behavior is even identified in several personality disorders, especially borderline personality disorder where the person will love their friend to the point of obsessiveness and drop them like a hot biscuit and despise them deeply at the slightest negative feeling they perceive the friend caused. It's actually much more healthy to own your offenses when you're aware of them, or confronted with them and nothing more. While learning when to apologize isn't easy, the critical component needs to exist: repentance.
It's one thing to say, "I'm sorry for hurting you." It's a whole other thing to actually stop hurting someone. It's another thing to say, "I can't stand her, but I'm going to see her with God's eyes--as valuable and something to offer the world." It's a whole other thing to say, "She's always so annoying," in your head the entire time you're around her. At the end of the day, there's nothing worse then a band-aid apology with no evidence that you genuinely will change your perspective, or your behavior. If you can't back up your apology to God or a person with a change in your behavior (repentance), then I would argue to not waste your time until you can. If this is the situation, you likely have some unforgiveness, bitterness, jealousy, or anger to deal with within yourself and that is not anyone else's issue but your own.
At the end of the day, when I ended my journal entry, I went back to my life chapter: Psalm 27. It's a perfect reminder for me of Who matters and that I have nothing else to be afraid of.
My name is Loved, Fearless, and Beloved.
Now in my thirties, I find there's a list of labels from others I can't seem to shake. Some are ones that people pin on me based on their assumptions. Recently, this has happened a lot. I was told I was a contrarian just because I hold drastically different opinions of the person that said it, apparently my intent in their view is to thrive on being difficult. I have been told I am a liar, when the fact is I never said what I was accused of, nor did I do what I was accused of. I really could go on, but what's the point? My point is less what I'm being labeled and more the fact that I am being labeled by others.
What's really sad about this is that my top love languages are tied: touch and words of affirmation. The struggle with words of affirmation as your top love language is the negative, insulting words of others become next to impossible to shake. They become toxic to you in deep ways compared to affirming words. For me, they become hard to let go of, deeply damaging, and make me reweigh the relationship all together. I end up getting frustrated, hurt, and almost critically wounded by some--especially ones that attack my character in some way, and especially if they come from someone who doesn't really know me on a personal level.
Recently, during my quiet time I started journaling out one recent situation with someone. As I wrote out the details, I found the root of the issue: I'm being mislabeled, misnamed, and essentially unknown despite my best efforts to connect with folks. As I realized this, I prayed and asked God about the source of the issue. In all the situations, I am being sized up and either identified by my past, or being disliked. So long as you hate something, or someone, your view of it/them is tainted. Take for example peas, which I have hated since I was a toddler. My mother would tell me stories of how great an eater I was except peas, and the faces I would make. I have tried them as an adult and I still hate them. In fact, I hate them so much that I pick them out to the side instead of suffering through a bite. This is how it is with people mislabeling me, they've already reached a conclusion and can't even stand a bite, so they toss me aside and slap a label on me that justifies their opinion. This was a huge revelation because when you're being judged, you don't stand a chance to be a friend, a sister, a daughter, or a valuable youth group member.
My name is . . . when we start talking about our identity, we often get it wrapped around what others say we are, what others think we are, or what we do; mom, wife, teacher, friend, etc. This isn't necessarily bad except that a day may come when you're no longer "doing" that, or "being" that role and you'll have an identity crisis. This is often the case of empty nest mom's. For years, they were mom and maybe made the kids their world. Now that ALL have left the nest, they don't know who they are, or what they should do because they let what they were doing define their identity. When we let others label us, we will find a crisis of identity when who we are truly clashes with what people claim. This is an unsettling tension that can create unnecessary guilt, especially if you're letting the labels in from people who don't truly know you, or care to know you, hold instead of who you truly are, that others who know your well claim. Much like someone hating you and never letting go of why they hate you, you can try your whole life to prove yourself to them, but unless they let go of their hate and bitterness, you do not stand a chance.
After all of this realization and revelation, my next thought was, "What can I do about it?" It is really normal in our human nature to want to defend ourselves, explain or actions or thought process, and try to get someone to see a little bit of the truth. However, we can't control other people and we are just creating more dysfunction if we try. I have learned to step back from people who constantly mislabel me and only choose to see me in a negative light. Yes, it bothers me greatly they see me the way they do. I have decided it is worse for me to play their song and dance of dysfunction than let them believe how they will about me. To go a step further, I have also decided God will defend me better than I can, so why bother trying? Instead, I look at what they are not saying. By constantly having a negative opinion of me, constantly pointing out my flaws, or being the first to criticize what I say they are actually proving they really don't like me and do not want a relationship with me. Therefore, I step back. I refuse to throw myself on someone for a friendship, biological family relationship, or otherwise if they only want to see me negatively. I'm not saying I do not have my faults, or that at one point I was not the annoying baby sister, but to still be seen in that way or only seen by my faults is not fair. It is also not healthy.
One of the hardest things I have had to work through over the years is forgiveness. In my early twenties, I went through a season of deep, justifiable anger. I was angry at everything and everyone because I didn't know what I was truly feeling. Anger is a secondary emotion, which means another emotion is at its core. For me, anger comes out most often if I'm feeling dysfunction, victimization, or being unjustifiably accused. In my twenties, ALL of that was going on and I was so angry that I couldn't even see it objectively. I was the meanest person and I hated it. I would say and do things that I can't even believe I said or did today. I had to learn how to deal with anger, how to deal with situations and people that are out of my control, and how to accept I do not have to be everyone's friend.
I have this deep desire to just be liked and a friend by everyone I meet. This means that it's rather shocking sometimes when I learn I'm simply not everyone's cup of tea, some prefer only coffee. It also means, I went through a hard season learning that people pleasing is not the answer. Instead, focusing on having a pure heart and making sure God's opinion is the only one Who truly matters. For me, this is accomplished when I take the time to explain the situation, see the root issue, and then ask, "What can I do about it?" Some may default to "Nothing," but I don't agree with that being an option. I believe we can always do something.
In cases where the normal response is, "You can't do anything," I have a few things I do. First, I commit to pray for the person. To be honest, the recent situations with people are less than a handful, but for me even one is too many. This isn't a huge commitment, I just include them on my daily list as long as the situation bothers me. Whenever the situation or person comes to mind and I'm tempted to have false guilt, or feel bad, I pray. I will pray for their heart to soften and for them to be accepting of others.
Another thing I do is asked God, "What is my role here?" 99% of the time, He says, "Step back and give them space." I don't tell them I'm stepping back, I just do it. I wait for them to contact me when they decide to contact me. I respond when they do graciously and lovingly also, which is the third step: Choose to not hold a grudge.
I refuse to let anger make a foothold in my life anymore. I'm not angry with any of the small number of people I've dealt with recently, or the old youth group kids I was dealing with. If anything I'm saddened. I'm saddened by the lens they see through and I'm saddened I can't have a deeper relationship with them. I do not hold a grudge because I don't see them with eyes of offense, but eyes of who they are and who they could become. You see, no one is perfect. I have a lot of flaws . . . I don't trust easily, I don't always have a good balance of listening or talking, I avoid conflict like the black plague and shut down or run away to hide from it, and I really suck at laughing quietly no matter how hard I try. The thing is, a true friend or someone who is in a healthy relationship with you will see you for you are at your core, beyond your flaws. If someone only sees your flaws, the relationship is massively dysfunctional. When someone hurts me, I feel it but then I have a choice with how I want to handle it. In that choice, I refuse to let anger rule and reign within me because it only destroys the person being angry. Did you catch that? Let me say it again: Anger destroys the person who is angry, NOT the person you are angry with. I refuse to destroy myself.
One other thing I do is honor their boundary. The person does not like me. I'm super bummed for sure, maybe even cried a little bit, or a lot. It's okay to feel the pain or loss connected to the relationship, no matter how close it was or wasn't. I would say, the closer you were, the deeper the loss and you probably have a grieving process you need to do. This is healthy humans being human. I have learned though, it's not necessary for me to go to them and demand to know why they feel a certain way, or defend yourself. It doesn't end well and it doesn't help the situation. They don't like me, so it's probably best for both of us for me to move on. Again, I don't tell them I'm moving on because I don't think it's necessary. It also could be that I'm an INFJ, which means we don't burn bridges, we just stop crossing them and maintaining them so they become structurally deficient and disappear over time. As funny as that meme is, it's really true! I just think that the biggest reason for this is by honoring their boundary, we can both move on to better places and surround ourselves with our tribe. Not everyone will be in your tribe, so you can let go of those who are not when you realize this.
Lastly, and maybe the most important step, I remind myself of Who God says I am.
In Christ, my name is Accepted.
I am God's child. (Jn 1:12)
I am Christ's friend. (Jn 15:15)
I have been justified. (Rm 5:1)
I am united with the Lord and one with Him in spirit. (1 Cor 6:17)
I have been bought with a price, I belong to God. (1 Cor 6:20)
I am a member of Christ's body. (1 Cor 12:27)
I am a saint. (Eph 1:1)
I have been adopted as God's child. (Eph 1:5)
I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit. (Eph 2:18)
I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. (Col 1:14)
I am complete in Christ. (Col 2:10)
In Christ, my name is Secure.
I am free forever of condemnation. (Rom 8:1-2)
I am assured that all things work together for good. (Rom 8:28)
I am free from any condemning charges against me. (Rom 8:33-34)
I cannot be separated from the love of God. (Rom 8:35)
I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God. (2 Cor 1:21)
I am hidden with Christ in God. (Col 3:3)
I am confident that the good work God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil 1:6)
I am a citizen of heaven.(Phil 3:20)
I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. (2 Tim 1:7)
I can find grace and mercy in time of need. (Heb 4:16)
I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me. (1 Jn 5:18)
In Christ, my name is Significant.
I am the salt of the earth. (Matt 5:13-14)
I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of His life. (Jn 15:1-5)
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. (Jn 15:16)
I am a personal witness of Christ's. (Acts 1:8)
I am God's temple. (1 Cor 3:16)
I am a minister of reconciliation. (2 Cor 5:17-20)
I am God's coworker. (2 Cor 6:1)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm. (Eph 2:6)
I am God's workmanship. (Eph 2:10)
I may approach God with freedom and confidence. (Eph 3:12)
I can do all through through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)
You see, at the end of the day, my name is whatever God says it is. When all that truly matters is Him, then it frees you to be able to accept that another human being may not like you. It also makes it better for you to move on easily, instead of stumbling into sin, or becoming entrapped in dysfunction.
Before I end, a random thought came to me, "When do you apologize?" If I get the intuitive vibe that someone is upset with me, I have a decision to make. The common response for most people is what I call, over-apologizing. You see, just because there's some sort of friction does not mean I have to own it. In fact, just because I got offended, hurt, annoyed, frustrated, etc by someone doesn't mean they did anything wrong. 99% of the time, things like this are because of my own heart issues. So I take time and ask God, "What do you say about it? Search me and reveal my heart to me, Lord." If I'm shown there's an issue in my heart, then I can't expect another person to apologize. In fact, maybe I need to be apologizing to God for being so quick to be offended! Things like being annoyed or frustrated with someone is not anyone else's fault but your own. Why are you annoyed by them? What's the sticking point for you in your heart of hearts? You need to deal with that! You don't have to go apologize because something is array.
You could ask the person, "Is there something wrong?" This could be a 50/50 shot of going really badly, or really great. For one, the person could get even more angry because you have no clue they have hated you all their life and you are clueless. On the other side, may be they have wanted to talk to you but they don't have words and your olive branch is what they needed. I really don't do this unless there's been proof the relationship is far from dysfunctional and I'm not being mislabeled offensively. If they are mislabeling me in a deeply offensive way, I don't think it helps to approach them at all. On the other hand, if they've never done this before and start acting strangely, I will go to them and ask, "Is everything okay? Do we need to talk?" There's still a risk here and you just have decided what's best for the relationship overall.
I apologize when God reveals to me I did something wrong, I have accidentally offended someone by my words or actions, and I knowingly did something wrong. I refuse to apologize any other time because it is not my cross to bear, it's the other person's. They also may not need to apologize to me, I mean if it truly is simply that they don't like me, it would be silly to expect an apology for that, right?! "I'm sorry I don't like you, Lucy." "It's okay, Marsha. I forgive you for having your own personal preferences. Good luck in life." Just because there's hurt, pain, sadness, or even conflict in a relationship doesn't mean there's an offense that needs to be dealt with. I would argue, the root of a lot of major mental illnesses is the constant struggle with finding offense and blaming others for everything, and taking no ownership for yourself. This behavior is even identified in several personality disorders, especially borderline personality disorder where the person will love their friend to the point of obsessiveness and drop them like a hot biscuit and despise them deeply at the slightest negative feeling they perceive the friend caused. It's actually much more healthy to own your offenses when you're aware of them, or confronted with them and nothing more. While learning when to apologize isn't easy, the critical component needs to exist: repentance.
It's one thing to say, "I'm sorry for hurting you." It's a whole other thing to actually stop hurting someone. It's another thing to say, "I can't stand her, but I'm going to see her with God's eyes--as valuable and something to offer the world." It's a whole other thing to say, "She's always so annoying," in your head the entire time you're around her. At the end of the day, there's nothing worse then a band-aid apology with no evidence that you genuinely will change your perspective, or your behavior. If you can't back up your apology to God or a person with a change in your behavior (repentance), then I would argue to not waste your time until you can. If this is the situation, you likely have some unforgiveness, bitterness, jealousy, or anger to deal with within yourself and that is not anyone else's issue but your own.
At the end of the day, when I ended my journal entry, I went back to my life chapter: Psalm 27. It's a perfect reminder for me of Who matters and that I have nothing else to be afraid of.
My name is Loved, Fearless, and Beloved.
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