Dead Ends and New Beginnings

Actual Post Date: 12/24/15 

Do you ever have a plan you think sounds really good and is clearly something God would want you to accomplish only for it to end differently than you expected? Often times I find these moments so challenging. I used to call these moments dead ends. They would result in me questioning my ability to trust God, my ability to hear Him, and my ability to follow Him. In college, when I was faced with tuition unpaid and a Bachelor's degree incomplete, I sat at that dead end and froze. Looking back, I wish I knew what I know now about God, myself, and pursuing Him on this earth. Then again, I think that dead end season made me who I am today.

When I face a dead end while driving, the first emotion that hits me is anger. I wonder why didn't they post at the start of this path that it was a dead end? The ability to do so is there. It would have made me go a different route entirely! Instead, I am mad that I wasted time and effort going this route only to be turning around right back where I started. Then, the feeling of defeat comes. Usually, I'm lost at this point and I'm so defeated because I don't know where I am or where I'm going--I thought that was the road I was supposed to travel on. Once I get back on the course I'm headed, I feel a sense of relief because I am headed where I was hoping for. Sometimes, I am excited to see a dead end sign because it's a safe road I can turn around in and go backwards and retrace my direction to the turn I missed. Other times, I am excited because they are where I want to end up so I can park safely for a moment in time. Dead end seasons for me are no different, filled with lots of emotions that parallel the driving experience.

Back when I was dealing with my tuition for college, I was so frustrated and upset. I didn't know what else to do other than freeze in place. I didn't know where to go if I turned around and retraced my steps. College was my hope of becoming who I really was and being known for who I really am. School was the worst experience of my life, especially 5th-12th grades. Even now, I cringe when I look back. It was so horrible of an experience that I have decided I don't want to look back and go to class reunions ever again because most of those folks see me as the same person and treat me the exact same way they always have--I can't stand it! Losing college meant looking back to where I came from and it was awful. I sat in that dead end with God a long time.

I questioned my faith deeply at that dead end. I looked at people around me and how things ended up, wondering if I am like them or not. I remember tracing back to all Christians I have ever known and cringing from my memories and asking, "God, if I'm supposed to be like them---there's NO WAY IN HELL that will EVER happen!." Yes, I said exactly that to God. I figured, if He is big enough for the world to be created, He's big enough to handle my brutal honesty even if it's a swear word. I stopped going to church, reading my Bible, listening to Jesus-lover music, and lived like God didn't matter. I never got to the point where I turned my back on my faith and denied God, but I got really close. It shifted when I realized my dead end tent I had made turned into a deep, dark pit of depression and everything that I was dealing with in regards to my PTSD was not getting better. I decided there was time to change and started tolook at my hometown like my college town.

I couldn't believe how I lived somewhere my entire life and knew no one at my new church! It was a God thing. I remember not being known until 3 months later when my folks came to visit since I was on the worship team. There was a line afterwards of men from the church to say hello to my dad. Suddenly, I was known and it made all the difference in the world because I was known for who I really was first. I was finally able to leave the dead end, retrace my steps a bit, and take the proper turn I was supposed to all along. I had a new beginning at that point.

Moving to Texas has been just as amazing as its been challenging. I have learned a lot about myself, about God, and about the direction I want to take going forward since I was in the discipleship school. I have also had a deep awareness of my health and ways I need to take better care of myself. I have been able to develop boundaries where once there were none, or very little. There's been an undercurrent of stress though, deep body-aching stress that often leaves me physically exhausted for a solid day. What ends up being a good thing for me results in a price of physically sleeping. Balancing life in all areas is something I'm learning I simply have to do with my TBI complications that are not going away and with my Dysautonomia Syndrome I was diagnosed with in March.

One of my challenges has been starting over in a new church that has been hard to connect to. It is really hard to have been a part of 3 life groups that have disbanded. When you're just starting out some where it is hard enough to start. I'm branching out for a bit to see what happens.

When it comes to the discipleship school, I have really had amazing things happen. I have been set free from the bondage of death and suicidal idealization that plagued me since the 6th grade, even as a Christian. I have also been giving affirmations about where I am now, where I'm headed, and I know without a doubt I am hearing from God clearer than ever before. I met some great friends the past few months and it has been wonderful to connect with them. However, it's been emotionally and physically trying. I'm tired. The thought of doing this another three months feels and looks daunting to me! Then, there's the piece of tuition that feels and sounds a lot like college did. I don't have the funds for tuition and honestly, even if I got a check for the full amount I don't think I could turn it in and continue on. I'm going to counseling outside of it and I feel like I need to give my all to that route. Doing this would give me 1:1 attention and a much more personal approach to the areas I have left to work on. Because of the health issues, it was already decided I was not going to join the folks on my team to Lebanon as well. As a result of that, I feel a huge release to pursue other options next semester.

So it seems, a few weeks ago I was at a dead end once again. And those doubts and voices I heard in college tried to creep in. Then, I did something I didn't do back then. I prayed. And I wept. And I pleaded with God. I told Him bluntly what I was thinking, "Why the hell am I here?! To get to this point?! Surely, You could have picked a better course for me?!" And He was silent, but hugging me and giving me comfort like only He can do. I went to the Bible and God showed me the verse, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you. Plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE," and I lost it again. "I'm not prospering and I'm hurting---isn't that harming me?! I am on the verge of losing HOPE and I sure as hell don't feel like there's much of a future in Texas, as hot as it is!" Something about that verse that many Christians, including myself tend to overlook, it starts with, "For I KNOW the plans I HAVE for you. . . " I read that and sat on it for a few days. God knows the plans He has for me, not me--I know nothing of the big picture. I only get a portion of the puzzle--a piece at a time. When I get to a dead end, the only thing I can do is retrace my steps to find where I took a wrong turn. God's like my GPS Gary the Garmin. Gary's wife Gretchen guides me by her voice. I can turn the wrong turn and sometimes she'll adjust the course. Other times, she'll turn me around. Other moments she'll say, "GPS unavailable." Here I am thinking I know what God knows and even argued with Him about it! So I did what only I knew to do and said, "I don't know what to do. Show me." And I held onto that verse and sought godly counsel from my mentors.

Mentoring is something I'm very passionate about. It's saved my faith in God and grown me deeper than anything I have ever done. I heard someone say once that a good mentor is twice your age or more and has been a Christian as long as you have or more. This has been the criteria I have used in finding a mentor and I haven't gone looking for the mentor. God's just brought them into my life. My first one was the mother of a girl in high school that was discipling me. My next one was a lady I was a nanny for who says she needed me more in her life than I needed her--she's got no idea! My next one, I met at church. She asked to sit next to me during worship and when I said yes, she squealed, "Great!" Then, sat down--upon my lap. I moved over and she followed me. And we have been attached at the hip ever since, literally at times and figuratively in others. Anyways, I called my mentor, Momma Lisa, and got some amazing clarity. I talked to my former small group leader and my friend, Mindy, and got a lot of affirming words. I talked to my current small group leaders and God really opened my eyes to the bigger picture through them. Then, I prayed some more and God showed me something amazing.

I am stubborn. He's been after me to move to Texas for about 6 years now. And I finally did. I went through a horrible relationship that turned into a failed engagement--my second one. I could have been spared had I just followed God the first time. Instead, He was patient with me. He used that relationship to strengthen my resolve to live my life for Him, even if I'm single the rest of my life. He had to put in front of me something to do for the time being for me to be willing to move. The discipleship school was a conduit God used to move me to Texas. The dead end I thought I saw was just a route I needed to take to get me where I am headed.

Like God does when He gives me clarity, He reminded me of something else. He said in the class a couple months ago: I need to finish my Bachelor's. I hid this desire in my heart when I felt the Lord lead me to Texas because I was moving away from the college I had intended to complete it at. I reached out to the school on a whim last week. I am starting the process of being enrolled to Bethel College, St. Paul, Minnesota in there Adult Program. I will pursue a Bachelor's Degree in Christian Ministry & Human Services (their psychology equivalent). It will be cohort-style and each class is one module at a time per month and 100% online! It is set up so you can work and do the school at the same time! Thank the Lord! Not to mention, it's more than half their traditional college cost and still meets guidelines for federal financial aid. I'm believing and trusting the Lord in this path. There's nothing better than realizing that what I used to call a dead end and respond with paralysis, now is seen as a new direction full of new beginnings. . . and HOPE and a FUTURE, far greater than the plan I originally labeled "God's plan."

This Abraham Journey is really quite like Abe's was. I am reminded of Genesis 12 and 20, when Abe tells a half-truth about his wife. She was his half-sister and his wife--something I can't image since I have 5 half-brothers and never saw either of them as desirable husbands for myself! Anyways, Abe's ignorance led him to think telling this half-truth would result in safety of his wife. In the end, BOTH TIMES, the leader of the region sent for Sarah with the intention of marrying her. God had mercy and ended up moving through the leaders miraculously to stop the plans of marriage. Then, as Abe and Sarah were kicked out, they were given so much more than what they had had--left rich and full of even more! I am believing that my journey will be no different. God is going to bless this next chapter of my journey. I know I won't be rich monetarily, but I will be blessed beyond what I deserve and that makes me thankful.

I'm excited to be on My Abraham Journey with God!

My Journal Entry

Today I'm doing something a little bit different. I'm gonna let you into a secret place of mine, one that is a favorite of mine--my journal. I have several journals right now, which to some may sound obsessive and, I suppose, that could be accurate. I am convinced I am addicted to journaling!

Currently, I have three journals: one is my "Listening Journal" which I started during the Discipleship School this year. It is a result of a speaker who talked about having conversations with God and actually recording them to hold onto later. I love it. God's words are in an orange pen right now and they hold some sweet, precious words that I love. I also have a "normal, everyday journal" which is where I write whatever is going on in my life, take sermon notes, take notes on my Life Group gatherings, or anything else for that matter. My last journal is my "Father Heart of God Journal" which is something I started in June 2016. The pastor at my church, Pastor Jimmy, preached a sermon that was life changing for me. It got me realizing how important it is to understand the Father God is. Here's the sermon: Father's Day Sermon 

I started my Father Heart of God Journal immediately after this sermon and it has rocked my world for the better. I took what Pastor Jimmy talked about to the next level for myself. You see, it's not enough for me to just write verses down in a notebook. I need to think about them, dwell on them, study them, interact with them, cry them out, pray them out, write them out . . . I suppose you get the picture. Studying the Word of God is one of my absolute favorite things to do in my life! This topical study of God's Word has been a huge favorite.

Last night at work, as I was killing time between the moments my client needed me, I pulled out my Father Heart Journal and penned another entry. This time, it seemed to be an entry I needed to share. What better way to share than here, with all of you. I hope you enjoy it. Keep in mind I am no scholar, no theological professor, and simply a woman in love with the Lord.

"Yet You, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, You are the Potter; We are all the work of Your hand."                     
~ Isaiah 64:8 ~

Lord, no matter what happens help me to remember that You are my Father. I need to be so secure in knowing this side of You that You are always constantly filling me up with Your love. Help me to be clay Lord:

- Help me to stay pliable and easily willing to be worked and molded by You.

- Help me to remember the tears in the process are like You adding water to the clay of me to further mold and build me up.

- Help me not forget to be diligent and take care of myself by guarding my heart and taking my thoughts captive. It's just like proper storage is needed to prevent the clay from hardening. Don't let my heart, soul, mind, and strength become hardened either, Lord. Help me to remain softened to You always.

You are the Potter, Lord. The clay doesn't pick the masterpiece it will become. The final piece reflects the unique skill of the potter and whatever the potter chooses to highlight the most. Help me trust You and Your plans, molding, and the masterpiece I will become. I am the work of Your hands. Amen.

Dear Emily [Part 1]

Here are some things I want you to know. They are things about life, about yourself, and about God. I hope you find them helpful and guides to help you along the way as you grow.

1) Your life has a purpose that no other human being can take from you, no matter what happens in your life (good or bad). 

                 Critical events will happen in your life to strengthen you, to shape you, and to grow you into the person you will become. However, none of these situations will ever be able to rob you of your purpose that you were created for. Instead, they will serve to make you more effective in fulfilling the purpose. Not all of these events will be joyful, some will be so painful you would not wish them on your worst enemy. 

2) There will be days you will feel dying would be better than living.

                   Choose LIFE. Death is final, forever, and permanent. Living can becoming better, greater, and wonderful. Death is an escape, but living brings freedom. Be FREE.

3) People will fail you.

                   Your heart will be for people, to love them and to be loved by them. But people are bent towards failing. People will fail in following everything they believe and stand to be and, in doing so, they will fail you. They will hurt you deeply when they fail you, but they will also point you to the One who will never fail you. Cling to the One with your core being.

4) Cling to the One who will never fail you: God = Father. Son. Holy Spirit. = Three in One 

                    The Father loves you deeper than oceans, so deep scribes would run out of ink describing His love. The Son will also die for you and your pain, your mistakes, and for your love. The Holy Spirit will never stop guiding you, never stop counseling you, and never stop tenderly embracing you. Cling to the Living God. 

5) Never be ashamed of your loud laugh.

                    People will assume you're forcing it for attention, but that is because they are not free-spirited. Others will criticize its sound, but that is because they have boxed themselves in to a mold. Whenever you laugh, the Lord laughs with you. He will use your laughter to spread His joy to others. Be careful, though, not to use laughter to hide. Be fully present in every situation, no matter how hard it is. 

The Power of Forgiveness and Prayer

"let go and release the person to God."
              You hear it all the time . . .
               . . . to do it and feel the peace afterwards is unexplainable in words.

my journey to forgiveness with a particular individual was a long one.
               And God was okay with it . . .
                . . . He is in the healing business, you see.

every hurt, God saw. Every pain, God felt. Every injustice act, God understood on both sides.
               To know this was so freeing . . .
                . . . it was only then that I could share with Him my heart.

Who wants a life of bitterness? Who wants a life of anger? Who wants a life of pain?
                I never did, but I lived it . . .
                . . . When I finally got to forgiveness, years of healing had taken place by God.

There's so much that's said to us by people who mean well, who don't understand.
              When the course of your life is altered by one person's action, or inaction . . .
                . . . when the essence of who you are created to be is murdered . . .
                       . . . this is when forgiveness is a journey.

"Forgive and forget, like God."
                those words used to cut me like a knife. . . .
                . . . hearing them meant I was a failure.

Then, God opened my eyes to His character.
                God knows all things forever . . .
                 . . .  but forgets my shortcomings quicker than a blink of my eye.

How can I be like that?
                 it is impossible to be all knowing . . .
                 . . . striving to do so is in vain.

What I do know I can surrender.
                I get let go of the hurt, the pain, and the memories . . .
                 . . . this was the beginning of the journey to being like Him.

When the heart would stir the pain, I had a choice.
                I could own the pain forever and we'd remain friends . . .
                . . . or I could look deeper into the wound, apply medicine, bandages, and heal it.

Every memory holds a false belief.
                I could believe it to be truth . . .
                 . . . or I could excavate the ground beneath it to find its root and destroy it.

Forgetting is remembering without the pain.
                It is choosing to see the events objectively . . .
                . . . admitting how they affected you without seeking to destroy.

God remembers everything about me, but He still loves me anyway.
                 It is in this place that He died on the cross for me . . .
                 . . . it is in this place that He adopted me as His own.

I can forget like this.
                 I can have my memories of tragedy . . .
                 . . . and still choose to love you and still choose to see you with God's eyes alone.

My forgiveness journey was marked by my tears.
            Grieving for who the person, the offender, would never be . . .
             . . . and for their lack of ignorance to my pain and denial of their offence.

There's a river full of tears which God has numbered.
             I don't need to make the person see them . . .
             . . . the only One who truly matters has them stored in a bottle.

There's also a trail of blood a long the path I had to trod.
              I used to believe it was my blood, from the wounds on my heart . . .
              . . . to learn my wounds were also carried on the cross freed me from myself.

When we only see our pain and agony, we only see the darkness.
               I was ineffective and purposeless for God . . .
               . . . unable to share His love, His redemption, and His grace with others.

Prayer was the way to forgiveness.
             It was the only key that could unlock that door . . .
             . . . it was not an action I had to do, words I had to say.

Praying is communication with the Only One who matters.
             All I had to do was talk it through . . .
             . . . participate in a simple conversation.

There was no magical words or phrases I had to say.
              I just had to open my mouth and speak . . .
              . . . and open my hands in surrender.

There were these knots in my back for decades.
              They sat behind my shoulder blades and weighed me down . . .
              . . . nothing would make them go away, or the pain they caused to lessen.

After I prayed and forgave this person, they were gone.
               The weight has been lifted. . .
                . . . the physical ache is no more.

The power of forgiveness and prayer . . .
                . . . it is beyond anything I have ever experienced.

Stand in the Rain . . .

A long time ago, I came to realize I had a lot of crap to overcome. There's lots of abuses in my background, lots of lies I was told in my past, lots of heartaches, and lots of tears that have been shed. I remember thinking at one point if I just prayed harder, or saw my therapist the prescribed number of times that I would be over "it" . . . on the other side of normal. Then, God shook me and woke me up to His plan for my healing. 

In 2 Kings 5, we read the story of Naaman who had leprosy. The king tore his robes in disgrace that Naaman got this dreadful disease. Elisha confronted the king and summoned for him to send Naaman for healing. Naaman is headed to Elisha when he sends one of his messengers with Elisha's instructions: Go wash seven times in the Jordan River. Naaman reacts in anger because Elisha didn't just show up, touch him, speak a word or two and heal him. No doubt Elisha could have! Instead, another person speaks for Elisha and tells Naaman to go do something first in order for healing to come. Naaman, eventually is convinced to do what Elisha says and received healing. 

**Quick pause**

Many people will argue that healing is not for today, but a miraculous sign that Jesus only gave to his first Apostles to be used to advance the church. I will ruffle your feathers by saying that was just one purpose for healing. Furthermore, if healing was only for that time period, then this story in 2 Kings would not have ever occurred. Additionally, I will ask one question: If a bone breaks and you put it into a cast for 6-8 weeks, what happens? The answer is, "It heals!" Therefore, proof healing actually is for today and is not controlled by the boundaries we want to set for it. Let's move on . . . 

When it came to my past, around 19 everything was coming up to the surface. Maybe it was the fact I was in a community, surrounded by Christians for the very first time in my whole life that caused it to come? Maybe everything messed up inside me was coming out because I had stuff it for so long, thinking I had nothing wrong and was not affected by it? I don't know the answers for certain, but I do know that God allowed it to bubble to the surface and be seen by myself and every single person I came into contact with. It wasn't pretty. I was mean. I was angry. I hated people. I didn't trust a soul. I was also terrified. I couldn't sit in class without horrible images coming to mind of my past. I would lay down at night unable to shut off my brain. I would sleep all day if I could because anything else took so much effort. I struggled to take a shower, to brush my teeth, or to even go to work. Thankfully, I had a boss who understood and was very helpful if the anxiety showed up at work. There was a point when in a four hour shift at JoAnn Fabrics & Craft, I had to take 4 15 minute breaks because I was shaking so hard! I found a counselor, started an anti-anxiety and an anti-depressant, and I gave myself 3 months to beat this. 3 months came and I still felt horrible and I was on my 4th therapist! It was at this point I moved away from my college town and back to my hometown. 

There's one thing I absolutely hate about small towns--the rumor mill. By the time I moved, stayed with a family for a couple months, and then moved to my own apartment, there was so much I was feeling. I was approached by someone who said, "Here's my number. Call me when you get those thoughts again." And I realized one popular rumor was I left college because I was suicidal, not true but depression typically goes with suicide so I couldn't be angry. I went to church once and I was met by someone who sat with me during donuts and coffee and she said, "Emily, you are using everything to just get attention. Even your laugh is your way of getting noticed in a crowd. We've all be talking about how you are just attention-seeking and think it is time you quit it." Regardless of whether her statement was literally true, I immediately swore of church and started thinking about swearing off "organized religion" all together. I pictured the church gathered together on Sunday for a sermon and the pastor pausing to have this "Emily-Bash" and it prevented me from trusting Christians for a very long time, like 4 years. 

By 2004, I had started going to church again and found a Christian counselor. For the next four years we worked through a lot of things, but the biggest thing was the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Workbook. This workbook was my cure for the intense PTSD that I had that started back when I was in college. After this, I once again thought: I'm HEALED! I'm GREAT! Woohoo!!! 

During these years, my counselor and I realized I had developed an eating disorder back in the 5th grade called Binge Eating Disorder (BED). BED was just getting recognized by the psychology world and not many treatment centers for eating disorders had programs for it specifically. As a result of this, my therapist suggested we table it and focus on the PTSD stuff first. In 2008, when my time with this came to an end, my BED was at its peak. It was how I dealt with every single thing that happened in life. At one point, I had a food for every emotion. Unfortunately, I was doing well otherwise, so I thought no counseling was needed. I decided it would be better for me to go back to dieting.

I started my first diet as a Junior in high school. It consisted of skipping breakfast, eating half of my school lunch, and drinking water only. I tried Weight Watchers next in college, after being convinced the only way I could lose the amount of weight I needed to was to pay for it. When that didn't work, I decided paying to gain weight was stupid, so I quit that too. Then, I tried this faith-based program that someone paid for me and again....I didn't do well and quit. Since this I have tried gluten/casein free diet, Mediterranean Diet, Atkins Diet, ADA/exchanges diet, and calorie counting. Nothing every worked! I remember the scale climbing and every time I saw the number, I saw who I was and it was horrible. 

Three years ago, I went to Melrose Institute for eating disorder treatment. It was an out-patient program, so I could still work because my team decided that, although I really qualified for admission to the in-patient program, it could disrupt a lot that was going on in my life. I went to a group session for 3 hours every week, saw my dietician weekly, and saw a therapist again weekly as well. This was my life for nine months. It was the hardest thing I think I have ever done in my life so far. I'm happy to report that Thanksgiving 2016 will be my Two Year recovery date! 24 months free of binge eating! To clarify, my binges were 1500-3500 calories in a sitting, after my normal 1500 calorie intake for the day. I had done this for 22 years! 

It was in the middle of treatment, God showed me another part of my healing journey in John 9. Here the blind man begged for healing. People who knew of him and his family blamed the sins of his parents, his sins, and were convinced he was blind as punishment for their sins. Jesus shows up and rebukes this and says, "He was blind so I can show you who I am." (Loose paraphrase) Then, Jesus spits in the dirt, makes mud pies, and puts them on the blind man's eyes. You know what is mind-blowing to me? Besides the fact Jesus made mud pies and rendered them holy by doing so, He destroyed the idea that physical ailments are a form of punishment. Instead, they could be present to help people see who Jesus is! WOW! So at this point, the blind man with the mud pies was probably confused. I mean, he believed Jesus would heal him and I'm convinced this wasn't the first time he positioned himself to be ready for Jesus. This blind guy knew who Jesus was, knew His healing powers, and kept showing up. He heard blind people seeing. He heard paralyzed people leaping and dancing in laughter. Now it was his turn and he's got mud pies made of SPIT on his eyes! Instead of getting up and walking away in disgust, he still sat there ready for what Jesus was gonna do next! Jesus tells him, "Go wash in the pool of Siloam." This guy did that and went home seeing. I read this story and remembered the 2 Kings 5 story and I wept!

Like these men, I had to do something to receive my healing. Their healing was a journey too and it took effort. They couldn't just use any water. They couldn't just go through the motions. Their healing wasn't in an instant, but required a process. They had to choose to follow through with the process, or it wouldn't have happened. 

Here I am now, still dealing with pieces of the junk that is yet to be fully gone. I always knew this journey was necessary, but I never knew when it would end for me. Instead, I just kept walking and doing my part. I kept washing in my well year after year, waiting for Jesus to show up and say, "YES! Look at what I did!" 

I have an amazing therapist again who is such an ally. At the same time, the discipleship school has turned into this place where the balm of Gilead gets poured out over me every single week. Every time I get washed in this balm, a new wound is healed. I was not expecting this at all! It's painful, exhausting, and sometimes it's scary because I am not in control and I do not know what is coming. I just know I'm supposed to do my part.

Today God spoke something powerful: This is the year of completion. Twenty-five years of suffering and agony. A fifteen years long journey. This is the year of completion. 

When I was five years into this journey, a powerful song came out that I play regularly for myself. The rainstorm has been intense and I have felt the rain like needles most days. The wind in the storm has knocked me over, but I have stood up again and again. Now, I'm firmly standing and hearing from the Weatherman the system is dissipating! I just gotta stand there a little longer . . . 

Who Am I?

Over the past two weeks I have really been hit hard with the reality that I have no idea who I am in the eyes of God, or even other people. One of my deepest struggles is my self-worth and self-hatred, which both have been struggles since I was a little kid. Both of these struggles played a huge role in the development of my eating disorder as well.

For homework, we read Victory Over the Darkness, by Dr. Neil Anderson of Freedom in Christ Ministries. I've read the book previously, but this time it just rings true and seems to be exactly what I need. There's so much Truth in this book that I highly recommend it for anyone, but especially new Christians.

This week in class we spent some time learning and understanding how to "Tend Your Heart" which is just a fancy phrase for "Let God Work on You." haha! We had opportunities to really listen to the Lord and find out what He thinks. The practical lessons were so amazing! I am so thankful for them.

As I sought the Lord about what I have been learning, it became very clear that it is very important I start working on believing who I am in Christ. It is so easy to look to people, your job, your family, your friends, objects, money, status, or success to have a sense of worth. Modern psychology says you need to look within yourself, which is something I have never understood. I mean, if I think I'm worthless and hate myself, the last place I should go for a deeper sense of worth and love for myself would be myself! I just don't get the whole "you have the power" and "you control your destiny" ideals, but that's just me. Thankfully, as a Christian, we have a far greater source than ourselves to look to and be redefined!

I have decided to daily declare the truths of who I am in Christ before I leave my bedroom each day. We learned in class the importance of declaring aloud the Truth found in God's Word and what an important tool that is in the area of spiritual warfare. It's something I have never really done regularly before, mostly because I don't want to be "noticed" or "rude" or thought of as "obnoxious" . . . silly me! As I will be declaring these aloud, it is both me acknowledging it to myself and declaring it to Satan and immediately setting the stage for the day. As I step out the bedroom door, I will be stepping into who I am and walking in that throughout my day. I know there won't be a magical change overnight, but I believe doing this will help me to grow deeper in my faith journey.

Not Your Normal Education

I love the fact that I didn't know much about Antioch Discipleship School before I decided to come. By knowing very little, I was able to come into this year with no expectations except one: to learn. Well, we are two weeks in as of today and I have learned so much than I ever imagined. The thing is, this isn't your normal school. It isn't your normal education.

It's hard to describe to you my first lesson because I have never learned it before. My first lesson came in the midst of a worship time at the retreat we went on. I was doing my art during worship time and I felt the Holy Spirit rain down on our room. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy to you--it was crazy witnessing it! There was freedom felt by one classmate who had never felt such freedom before. There were several who felt the healing hand of God upon them in ways He had never touched before. And there were those in the room who had never encountered Holy Spirit like that before, ever. I laid down that night and prayed to God, "You are SO much bigger than I could have ever imagined! You are so GREAT!"

Another lesson came when the staff members rattled off their expectations of us. The first week was full of "rules and regulations" and making the expectations known clearly so that we can succeed. I have had my share of "first week of school" experiences. There's been teachers and professors who have all laid out their own rules and expectations. I fully expected this to be a repeat, but it wasn't. Instead, I was met with people who loved, whose faces shined the image of God, and who wanted to help us students get there. It's different than a teacher who loves their job. It's different than a professor who wants you to take ownership of your education. It was more like a group of people cheering for you as you run your first 5K, or marathon. They were motivating as much as they were igniting a determination within you.

A huge lesson for me has been realizing the lies I have been believing about God and about myself. There's so much I could say and so many I could list, but this is not the point. The point is that I spent an entire two weeks reading about the ways I believed lies, how they effected me, and why I am stuck in this spot--it's like quicksand. I was making progress, but every now and then I'd sink a little deeper. It's a place between the chains of my past and the freedom to walk out on the water to Jesus. I hate being stuck there! Knowing the lies is the beginning of winning the battle, here everything shifts.

Hearing the phrase, "The Father Heart of God," was so foreign to me. I had never heard of it before. My first reaction was to resist it, push it away, and deny it existed. The time I have spent understanding this Truth has been almost as powerful as the day my friend Kelly explained the Gospel to me. There's so much I still don't know about it, but I am finally pressing into it and am willing to learn. I'm not fighting it, not denying it, and definitely not doubting it.

One other lesson I have had is on knowing that God wants to have an intimate relationship with me that is active and open. There's this belief that God doesn't talk or doesn't have anything to say to us, but it's so wrong! Learning to hear His voice amongst the chaos of this world is something I am so thankful to experience.

I'm not learning math, science, or english. I'm not learning how to do a specific trade well. I'm learning what it means to be a child of God, what it means to be loved by God, what it means to be a part of the body of Christ, and I'm learning how to walk in my faith. These are all things I thought I knew--was convinced I knew! Oh, but there's so much more to learn this side of Heaven! I don't think I'll ever be able to say, "There it is! I got it! I'm done learning!" I am thankful for this journey as hard as it has been already.

The Hidden Places and Dark Spaces

"We are going to go on a journey together. We are going to go to into the house of your heart. We are going to go into the house and see what God has for us there."

What if someone told you this? What if someone was going to take you on this journey with them? What would your response be? Did you even know your heart has a house, is like a house, or even has rooms? Why would you be asked to go there? Why would you be asked to go into that house? What would God have for you there? Why? Who cares?

Valid questions. I have asked every single one of them. I don't really have answers to them. Honestly, I'm more screaming the questions out, hoping to never get answers. I silently hope I won't have to go into that house, let alone peek in. There's a fear that wells up inside of me when I think about it.

I picture the house of my heart being really, really old. My house served a purpose in its day, but maybe not the most noble of one. Picture an early 1900's profitable estate. Over the centuries, the land gets sectioned off to make a city. Estates get deeded to the city in death, or in the event debts are unpaid. One estate could have multiple buildings, especially in the south where slavery was once popular. I feel like my house is back, behind the main estate. Maybe the roof is a bit leaky, the exterior paint is chipping away; there's a cracked window or two as well. Inside the heat keeps the bitter cold away, but you still need to wrap under a heavy blanket to feel warm; you see your breath at night. There's places in that house I have never been, never seen, and never looked at. I have never had to before, so why should I now?

The hidden places inside our hearts are the places only we knew once existed and places we have only been in once, but we were alone and never want to go back to. What happened is different for all of us and it doesn't have to be traumatic, just challenging. Maybe your hidden places are moments that defined a "should not" for you? For example, maybe you were grounded for an entire summer for talking back to your mother, but you were really trying to ask questions to understand because you are a deep thinker. A hidden place for you may be where you learned, "I should not ask questions." Perhaps your hidden place is where you learned how you "should be." I had a friend in college who was raised by a great, Christian single man. Whenever her or her siblings did something wrong, he corrected them by making them read the Bible and memorize a portion of Scripture. Nothing is wrong with this type of parenting style, except that she was exasperated by this once. After she said a curse word, her father grounded her until she had memorized the entire chapter of James 3. Now she was in college, convinced that "she should be" great at this Christian college education process because she had entire chapters of the Bible memorized. When she got a lower mark on a paper, she was astounded and her world was crumbling. Neither of these hidden places were created out of anything extremely painful, but they were seeds to a false identity and a false belief in who the person was meant to be.

The dark places of our hearts are those that are easily accessible, but cannot be clearly seen without an intentional motion and a source of light. As I kid, I hated cleaning my room. (And I guess, as an adult I hate it too!) I remember I would stuff as much under the bed as I could without being obvious, so that no one would be led to think there was anything under there. I had an art for knowing the cut off, but one day I was over-confident. My mom sent my oldest sister to check my side of the room for her. There's just something about your siblings knowledge of you that can be frustrating, especially when you're trying to hide something from your parents! My sister said, "This looks good, Em, but what if I were to bend down and look under your bed? Would anything be there?" My siblings all knew I couldn't lie and they knew the faces I would make and the body language I would have that screamed louder than my silence ever could. Without me even saying a word, she looked under the bed, got up, left the room, and shouted to mom, "Nah, she's not done cleaning yet!" The dark places of our hearts are those kind of places, the places we stuff things to deal with later, or the places we can't quite reach with the duster.

I know we shouldn't be afraid to go there, but I am. I have been on my healing journey long enough to know healing is painful and brings floodgates of tears. I just don't want to deal with the emotions and would rather not feel, but feeling is all I can do. I don't know what to do with the feelings, especially since stuffing them is not an option for me anymore. For now, they just exist and, sometimes, overwhelm me. I know I need to go there and I know I need to discover these places and clean up my house, but I'm too tired, other things are too important, and not going there is far easier and less painful.

Then, I see Him. His gentle hand reaches out to me again. He says to me sweetly, "We are going to go on a journey together. We are going to go to into the house of your heart. We are going to go into the house and see what our Father-God has for us there." Without thinking twice, I grasp ahold of His hand.

Another Book on the Bookshelf

I was finally able to unpack my books a few weeks ago. As I was placing them on the bookshelf, I was grouping them into sections. I looked at each book I decided to take with me to Texas and read each individual title. I would think, "oh, yep, that's why I brought this one." And others, "Hooray! I kept it!" I love books and how you can read them over and over, getting something new out of it every time.

This is how it is with God's Word too. As I unpacked my ultimate, favorite Bible I was compelled to flip through the pages. I could see ways I wrote in it, quotes in the intro and back pages from various sermons over the years, and the highlights of some key verses. It had this crisp, new feel to it though since I haven't opened it for awhile. I have been using my Journaling Bible more and more for my Quiet Time, but I felt led to dig this Bible out and use it for my year at Discipleship School.

As I cracked it open and felt the pages, it occurred to me how so many times the Bible is just another book on the bookshelf. We may go in waves of reading it, but really can't say, "I have read through the entire Bible." I can't even say that! Now, there's quick access with Bibles on our smartphones and apps, but I feel like you lose so much out of the crinkle sound of the physical copy. I still can't say I have read it all the way cover to cover.

This is one part of Discipleship School I'm actually really excited for! We are reading several books, already tackling our 2nd book. Soon we will start our Scripture Memory and our Bible Reading Plan too. I am excited to read the Bible cover to cover for the first time in my life! I am excited for the new things I will learn and the new ways God will speak to me.

Have you read the Bible? Have you ever read it cover to cover? I'd love for you to join me! Start now!

The Beauty of Vulnerability

My therapist in Texas challenged me with the concept that being vulnerable was a good thing the very first session I had with her. I remember thinking she was nuts, but most therapists are a little nuts when you first meet them, at least in my experience. I mean they all have this outside-the-box way of thinking mixed with a crazy high they get from seeing someone have an ah-ha moment . . . so they're nuts basically! (haha!) All kidding aside, after thinking she was nuts I was terrified.

My therapist parallels our sessions with the wisdom of Dr. Brene Brown who is like the vulnerability guru I have learned. She had this great TedTalk on the power of vulnerability (youtube it, you're gonna have your mind BLOWN). My first homework assignment was to watch this clip and come back with any thought I had on the subject.

I remember thinking, "If vulnerability is so great, why is it so terrifying?" I think the answer is different for everyone, but the core of every answer is vulnerability is a risk and trust test all rolled into one. It's a risk of the relationship for you to give up various details of yourself, your story, your past, or anything really all to hope the receiving person will be strong enough and wise enough to respond back in a healthy way, equally as vulnerable. So many people can't do it. There's the element of trust that comes in then. My therapist talks about a jar of marbles as a parallel. The marbles represent pieces of your heart and your story. It's not really helpful to pour out all your marbles at once, it's safer to do a couple marbles at a time, or even one. Then, see what the person does with it. If that went well, maybe next time you see them you give them a few more, etc. A person who lives in the world of vulnerability doesn't hesitate to give their marbles away in bigger chunks at a time. This is terrifying!

I am not a vulnerable or transparent person. You may be able to look at me and have a better idea than I do about how I'm doing because I'm emotionally ignorant, but take the time to ask me why I am feeling that way and I'll clam up! This week I went with my fellow Day DTS classmates on our retreat. It was basically a crash-course of vulnerability. It really reminded me of the meals I'd eat together with my groupies in my out-patient eating disorder program at Park Nicollet-Melrose Institute back in Minnesota. We'd have exposure therapy to food together and talk about the food struggles and what to do about it. Gathering 8 people with the same exact eating disorder for a meal to talk about how your feeling, why you're feeling it, and what to do differently was intense, trust me on that one! This week was no different.

I haven't even been able to process it all yet. I have thought of a couple things as I've been back, but I feel like the biggest lesson I have learned is there really is a certain beauty within vulnerability. To be fair, we were not forced to share our hearts with each other, we chose to. We were not forced to care and be compassionate with each other, we chose to do that too. And we surely were not forced to respond in a caring, supportive, and encouraging way, but we all chose to. I only had one single interaction that was unsettling and confusing, which the parties involved and myself talked about it immediately as soon as we were able to and totally resolved it head on. It turned out to be 3 people assuming what the other was thinking, because the other didn't communicate something. Even in this misunderstanding, there was a vulnerability that was shared, but we chose that one too. I think that is the heart of vulnerability--choice. No one can force it or make it happen. You can cultivate a perfect environment for it to occur, reassure safety and confidentiality, but at the end of the day all parties have to choose to be vulnerable. Every single one of us did exactly that during the retreat.

I got to share my testimony multiple times, but not sugar-coat it so it is more palatable or more "church appropriate" but really share it. One person actually encouraged me and shared that God wants us to share our entire testimony with others because every single piece of our story has a purpose for those who hear it. Not sharing your entire faith story limits God and what he will do. It also limits how the person hearing it can respond, which is just as bad as limiting God! This really broadened my scope of the ways we can stifle the Holy Spirit! Here I was doing that for many, many years and not even knowing it.

I also was able to hear so many stories of people hearing from God, obeying God, and stepping out in faith. A majority of the class is college students, either in the middle of their degrees or freshly graduated. I would listen to these 20 somethings and the whole time, think back to when I was 20. Sure, I was pursuing God . . . sorta. I was so caught in my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder that I had flunked a semester and had to quit for a time! I was not at all waiting and listening to the Lord! There's some who are fresh out of high school even--HIGH SCHOOL! These are like my youth group kids back in Minnesota, suddenly at a crossroads and feeling the pressure to declare a major, a college, find a job, move away, and live apart from your family---5 HUGE major stressors for any other adult, but it's just expected of the 18 or 19 yr old babies in the USA! These kids felt that pressure and they turned to God and said, "I got NO idea! Holy cow! Lord, you tell me what to do!" God spoke and said, "Go to Waco, Texas." And they said, "Well, okay. I'll go because I want to obey you!" Many of them put their lives on hold for the next year, just so they can go deeper in their faith journey. It blows my mind that kids in their 20's would do this! Wow! How encouraging to see in today's generation! Their vulnerability and sharing their hearts with me was so beautiful, so honourable, and such a delight. It made me so proud of each one of them.

We got to also share our struggles with one another. This is where living vulnerably often turns ugly in Christian circles. How many times has someone come up to you with their measuring stick to measure your faith in God, or your Bible knowledge, or your ability to defend your stand on the eschatology,  or measure your giftedness in prayers out loud? It's happened to me a lot. Instead of judgement and criticism, we each embraced each other and supported each other in prayer. It was such a beautiful thing that I hope I never forget seeing and experiencing.

As I shared this with my therapist today she said, "How healing for you and how beautiful. What a perfect picture of what the body of Christ really should be. There's such beauty in vulnerability." I wish I could paint the beauty I saw and felt this week. It would be a masterpiece.

A Blessed Pathway

"Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
   who does not look to the proud,
     to those who turn aside to false gods."
~ Psalm 40:4 ~

I've been thinking of this verse quite a bit because it's a memory verse in a Bible study I'm working through. I've decided it's also my SSMT August #2 verse as well. I feel like this verse really fits with all that's been going on in the recent days. Again, there's so much . . . good, stressful, and normal for life.

My car, Bennie, is the forefront of my thoughts. I guess I'm old-school in that I believe in owning a car and driving it until it can't drive anymore. The downside of course is the repairs, but to not have a huge payment is really nice. After twice having issues with my brake system in less than 1 month apart because my original mechanic did NOTHING but take my money, fix the leak, and put things back together though . . . I wasn't prepared yet for the latest diagnosis: "new rear struts." It really got me thinking....if the engine is good, I'm the 2nd owner in Bennie's life, and he's got decent miles for his age...what do ya do?!

Then, there's the Day DTS tuition. haha God's gotta miracle there to work out on His own. Where HE calls, HE provides. The end. Period.

Trusting in the Lord for practicals has been nothing uncommon for my life. When I went to college it was no different. God had a lot to work out for me to even be able to complete my financial aid process, but He did. Then, there was my car accident a few years ago where I nearly died and was discharged 3 days later. I got my first bill 10 days later and it was $45,000. What's really interesting is through that journey, that process, that lesson . . . I no longer freak out about finances like I used to. Pay day and dates bills are due used to be a huge source of major anxiety for me, mostly because I had no one as a young adult teaching me what to do. A lot of what I have learned has been trial and error mixed with Suze Orman because I love getting solid info from a woman! (Sorry Ramsey fans, I'm not on that bandwagon!) My sister has been a HUGE support and HUGE source of wisdom followed by my 2nd oldest big bro. It's nice to be able to reach out to them for practical wisdom and advice on what they think and compare it to what I'm thinking and what I'm discerning from God. By the way, that $45,000 hospital bill turned into me actually paying about $45 of my own money! God's so good!

Then, I read the next phrase "does not look to the proud." Well, now isn't that interesting?! I think about my life and lessons I've learned about relying on God for even my daily needs like food. There was a season when I lived in Bemidji and wasn't going to college, but was working. I was struggling with a lot of depression and PTSD struggles at the time, so working took LOTS of efforts. I was able to finally get a part-time job and worked as much as they'd let me--30 hours per week to avoid having to pay me any benefits. When that money proved to not be enough and I had no food, God and I had a serious chit chat. He told me, "Go to the food shelter. They'll help you. And in 3 days (Monday) go to the Human Services building and meet with them about assistance." What?! ME?! I'm a single adult, standing on my own two feet. I'm not one of "them!" (Ever said that to yourself?) God's response is, "Yes, you are one of them. You're a human on a very fixed income that's less than the current poverty level. So what? I think you're fabulous and I want to provide for you. Trust me." Well, this conversation was over until the next day. God repeated the same thing. And I'd like to say that was it, but Sunday at church came and we had the same conversation again--a third time. When God speaks repeatedly, even in the Bible or directly to you, I recommend listening. I decided on Monday, I would go to the Food Shelf (3 days later than I was told to by God) and go from there. I had never been to a Food Shelf before in my life, so I had to fill out a sheet of paper and meet with someone. I actually cried during the entire process. I remember the lady said, "Honey, I'm glad you came in. There's so many college students we know who don't come in. They don't think they qualify for help, but they do. Any person. Any need. This is what we do." Any person? Any need? I asked the lady, "Do you have advice for what to do about my situation?" She said, "Here's a card to a social worker. I'll email her your information today. Call her tomorrow after 1pm and tell her I sent you. She'll help you out." This is God at work. Not only did He have mercy on me being hard-headed, but He provided a way for me to skip the usual long process and get help. And that day I left the foodshelf with enough food to last me for 2 months because I had never been there before and was child-bearing age. I did meet with the social worker the next day and, for about a year, I was able to get help with food stamps and cash assistance. It was a HUGE blessing for sure! When I think of not looking to the proud, I avoid mirrors. Haha! Lots of times, that means getting myself out of the way!

"to those who turn aside to false gods" . . . Okay, so we don't have a lot in our culture that fits what was going on in the Bible-times. However, I think we have gotten more sophisticated with our false gods. What's the first thing you do when you wake up? If the answer has anything to do with a piece of technology being needed I think there's a potential false god. What about Tuesdays at 7pm? Do you go to the Small Group you were invited to? Or do you have a series on tv that you HAVE TO WATCH? Potential idol (false god). Mine used to be food and boy did it derail a lot of what God had planned for my life.

This is my point: Trusting the Lord, not pride or false gods, is what God desires. It isn't easy to follow His will, but His will is the most blessed pathway we can walk on.

Here I am Lord, Send Me

This month is flying by. I have spent time preparing myself for Day School to start and I am excited-nervous. You know, it really reminds me of how I'd feel going back to school as a student, which is hilarious to think back to.

One thing on my heart lately is where our focus will be on our outreach. They're doing things very differently this year and have chosen to focus on a certain people group all year. This means my domestic outreach will also focus on the same group that my overseas outreach will. They also gave us a choice of timing for the outreach and with 3 options, I chose my domestic week in the fall and my overseas outreach in the spring, but the spring outreach will be possibly up to 4 weeks long. I have never been overseas and would have never chosen this as my spot myself. I really see the hand and direction of God leading me. I feel like I can relate to Isaiah in a whole new level. God told him of this broken people, hurting so badly their hearts were stone. And God asks, "Whom shall I send?" I'm like a little kid, "ME!!!!!ME!!!!PICK ME!!!"

Here I am, Lord.
Is it I, Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
Amen.

This hymn I loved as a child. Now I treasure it as God calling me and preparing my heart for this year decades ago!

July: A month of surprises

Well, if you were waiting for a nail biter post, THIS IS IT! Curious why I haven't posted much in July??? Here's the lo-down....

June 20 - July 10: I was sick, horribly with stomach cramps, bathroom duties, and couldn't sleep without sitting up in my roommate's recliner! I visited the ER twice, had an abdominal CT Scan, had an upper endoscopy, and a sleep study done alone with tons of blood work. The results are: I have no ulcers, my hiatal hernia is gone, my spleen was inflamed for 2 weeks, I have moderate obstructive sleep apnea, and my Vitamin D level was 10 (aka extremely LOW). Along with my heart having neurocardiogenic syncope, I had to make a decision to switch jobs to something LESS stressful as a lot of the stress was contributing to my health issues my doctor thought.

July 10-20: I was still not 100%, but went back to work at the hospital only to be unable to STAND or WALK the next day. The jury is still out on the reason, except that I probably had physical exhaustion from the stress, maybe. SO I continued in my job search and was interviewed with a group home company based out of Nebraska!

July 20-31: I have been working at the group home company since 20th! I LOVE it! I am blessed to work with 3 gals in the apartment in downtown Waco. I have switched to evenings because of the nature of the job, which is perfect for me and my lifestyle and my "nightowl" brain.

As of July 30th, I have been accepted to the Day Discipleship Training School at my church, which will change lots of stuff for the course of the next school year. I couldn't be MORE excited!

If you would like to have information sent to you on my mission trips this Fall 2015 and Spring 2016, please go to www.postable.com/emilyardolf and enter your information to my online address book. It is safe and secure, only I will see the information and it will only be used to contact you about my trips!

Throughout this month, as I look back to all the twists and turns, there's been one theme God's shown me:

WHERE GOD CALLS, GOD PROVIDES. I ONLY NEED TO TRUST IN HIM.
Amen.

Through It All . . .

There's a lot of times in our lives where we don't know what to expect. I am in the midst of one of those moments right now. My health isn't the greatest, finances could be stronger, and really it is hard to lose my focus. It can be so easy for us to doubt . . . Doubt in God's plan for our future, even if it's only revealed in a small amount. . . .Doubt in God's providence, His provision . . . Doubt in His strength and authority. There's something greater to learn in these moments of life: God is over all, still has authority to move mountains, and the winds and seas still obey Him. Nothing happens in life He doesn't know about.

Maybe for you this isn't comforting to know. Maybe you feel exposed, or angry to know this. For me, it's beautiful. Every bad thing . . . He knows, He has a plan, He is conquering it for me. I can let go and trust He has what's best for me. It takes your faith to a whole new level every time you have to surrender and let go. It's a beautiful release when your grip is opened and you watch what He will do.

There's a song by Bethel Music that's my theme song right now . . . It is beautifully written. Please listen.

https://youtu.be/YNqo4Un2uZI

Can you say that deep within your soul? "Through it all, it is well with me." The power of God is in those words, so much so that I can't NOT say it---I have to say it, DAILY. Amen.

It's All Just a Dream . . . Until You Do Something

I really enjoy writing. It's something my 5th grade english teacher, Mrs. Mancell pointed out to my parents regularly at conferences. It's also something she pointed out when I was in my senior year of high school. I always thought it'd be awesome to write a novel one day, a children's book series, a devotional book series, and maybe even a screenplay/movie of my love life journey---it's hilariously sad and very dramatic comedy. I haven't ever said much to anyone about these secret writing ideas....ever.

The other day I was praying and God stirred up the dreams I had about writing and illustrating my own children's book series. From there my thoughts went to this book I have had in my mind for over 10 years that I only have the title and outline to. Recently, a couple devotional book ideas have made their way into my brain as well. It's amazing how whenever you dream, thoughts of inadequacy follow you. Not just me, but all people in some way have to come to grips with this.

[Example of thoughts: I just reread my two paragraphs I wrote above. I have intentional typos, an intentional writing style while blogging which is something I enjoy doing because it reads more conversational. I have a few close friends who are english snobs, who most likely are very annoyed at this style. My thought was, "What if so and so read this and immediately says, 'I can't read her blog without pain--what is she THINKING?! WRITING A BOOK! Everyone thinks they can do THAT!' " **haha** It's funny how even talking about it in my blog, I have thoughts against DOING it.]

This book writing dream of mine I have had since I was in elementary school. I never told Mrs. Mancell, who would have encouraged it so much. Only God knew and, suddenly, He stirs the pot in my brain to bring the dream to a boil again. Dreams are just a dream if you do nothing. I mean, decades I've dreamt these dreams and just never once consider of doing anything about them. This is my point . . . if God's dreams for me are HIGHER, then perhaps I'm supposed to do something, anything. So today I am writing a few outlines and maybe making a table of contents for a couple of books. I am also gonna do some sketches and develop some characters for the children' book series I have been plotting in my head. Maybe nothing will never come of them, but I won't know until I do something today.

When Are You Coming Back?

Recently, I have been asked this question a lot. I thought I'd share specifics on that subject.

The short answer is, maybe never. If I'm truly honest, my intention when I came to Texas was to start this crazy journey God was calling me on. Returning to Minnesota to live is, most likely not in the plans. Visits I hope do come, but I may have to wait for a bit before such things happen.

I start Night Discipleship Training School August 17th. Then, I go on a missions trip in May/June 2016 with my classmates. After this, I have no idea for sure right now what I'm doing. My prayer is whether or not to continue on in Church Plant Training School to be sent out by Antioch Church somewhere in the USA or abroad. I'm currently leaning towards this, but seeking the Lord in this still until I have to make a for sure decision.

Today, I set up a Go Fund me Page for those interested in supporting me early on in this process, as I grow and develop the skills needed to be a better servant of the Lord. www.gofundme.com/uxg3u4

I want to make my heart clear in that I want to share Christ with those who don't know Him. I want to share His Redeeming Love with those who have never felt a life-changing love. I want to be used by God to restore women's lives especially, but not exclusively. Maybe that's here in the USA, maybe it's not. My prayer right now is that God would direct me and put on my heart a clarification as to where I would go....beyond "restoring women's lives" and into a pinpointed place of "these women, over there, hurting, and broken." Whenever I see a map of the world, I get a little nauseous lately because I am truly praying to God, "I will go anywhere you want me to." The likelihood He's gonna send me back to where I have come from isn't high, but isn't that just like God? He doesn't call us out, grow us up, and strengthen us to send us backwards. No. He sends us forwards, to places we could never imagine. At this point in my life, I'm saying....."Lord, here I am. Send me." It's as exciting as it is terrifying. It's a peaceful as it is unsettling. For once in my life I am seeking His will above my own, above any other human's, and it is freeing.

The question I'm asking isn't "When am I going back?" It is: "Where am I going NEXT?"

I'm Not Brave

This is a more serious post....one coming from the depths of my heart....warning...

Like this title states....I am truly not brave. 90% of my days are full of fears and anxieties. There's a lot of times I fail at fighting them too....sometimes it's easier to hide in my bed, sleeping it away. Other times, I fake it til I make it. Once in awhile I find a solution and totally squash the fear, those times are extremely rare.

I have heard, "You're so brave," multiple times when people talk about me moving to Texas from Minnesota alone. Most often, it is once they learn I packed up everything that could fit into my car and went alone--husband-less even. I guess it makes me smile to think to some it's like I'm doing the Oregon Trail all alone. I can assure you, I am not brave.

When I need to step up and be brave, I am very much like most in the world of women--I argue with myself and squish that brave urge down. A recent example is when I was shopping at the grocery store today and I saw a mom with her kids and felt compelled based on her facial expressions to pray over her. I quickly argued that praying for her from  afar was the same thing. I was obedient to my urge to pray for her, but not brave in the action. Anyone can pray FOR someone, but to pray OVER someone in a grocery store no less . . . That's bravery.

Bugs. Some are cute, most are terrible heart attack producing creatures that also show off my high first soprano gifting. Heights....I get weak in the knees. Speaking, even if I love talking...I sweat buckets! Singing solos, while I can do it....I shake the entire time. Leading worship on worship team . . . Comes naturally to me, but not without nausea until the very last song is sung. I am not brave.

My comfort zone consists of a bed, air conditioning, clothes, and a fuzzy blanket in my mind. The bed symbolizes rest and refreshnent. Air conditioning symbolizes breathable air around me and all the comforts of electricity. Clothing symbolizes the lack of vulnerability....which is born out of trust. For me, trust is accomplished if  you  can climb over a huge brick wall, lined with barbed wire, and armed with an army to reinforce it. The fuzzy blanket symbolizes security and safety and having that feeling everything will be ok. In my comfort zone, I am not brave . . . Far from it.

Yet, I have the secret to bravery. The key to unlocking it into my life, which so many long to have . . . JESUS. He told me to go to Texas. I argued . . . Boy did I argue! I thought of many reasons not to, not just the lack of snow. I was excitingly terrified at the answers God gave to each argument. I eventually left Minnesota, not once looking back in my rear view mirror. I had to only look ahead because I was so afraid that I knew turning around would be much easier. I was so scared I couldn't even bring myself to pack in a timely manner. Definitely not brave....but Jesus makes me brave.

In my obedience, I step out in bravery and that changes everything. I am brave because He is in me not because of my own abilities.

A song God recently but on my heart says it all.......

I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made

Read more: Bethel Music - You Make Me Brave Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Giant Crickets & Mosquito Hawks

I have a certain roomie whom I believe God handpicked for me. Where I am crazy, frustrated, or confused Carol is calm, peacemaking, and brings clarity into any situation. There's been quite a few times when she has educated me in the ins and outs of Texas, especially when it comes to the insects.

My first night here, I stared in awe at the world's largest mosquito. I couldn't believe it! It was the size of a half dollar and I about died. She responded to my enthusiasm with a smirk, a calm and quiet voice and said matter-of-factly, "That's a mosquito hawk." I had never heard of such a thing in my life!! Apparently, they grow large, look like giant mosquitos, and--amazingly enough--THEY EAT MOSQUITOS!!!! This explains why I have only seen one mosquito since I have moved Texas.

Tonight, I am wide awake and can't seem to sleep. After prayin and counting didn't work, I went to the bathroom. There I was face to face with the largest cockroach I had seen in my life!!! I froze and tried not to scream bloody murder. I gently woke up my awesome roomie, Carol, and shared our unwanted guest being discovered. Carol gets up, grabs a shoe, walks in and kills the nasty bug. As she comes back into our bedroom she says, "You might want to mentally prepare yourself for cricket season." In my defense crickets are so tiny in Minnesota, they never leave the "cute fun bug" stage.

I am thankful for the calm, steady friend I have been blessed with. We have had a few awesome conversations that have proven to be eye opening. It has been so great to talk to another gal who understands random fears, but who can calmly become grounded in God again. We have had a few laughs too, even if they are 1 am when we can't sleep. As I navigate this very foreign land of Texss, I am thankful God had a hand at bringing Carol into my life.

Authentic Worship.

I call out You...
He don't listen. He don't care. He don't want to know what ya gotta say.

I silently form words in my head only You can hear....
Yeah. That's right. Stay quiet. Telling him anything is a waste.

I stand with my arms stretched outward impulsively...
Why are you standing like that?! Do you really think posture matters?

Words come out from my mouth, forming a melody....
WHAT A HORRIBLE SOUND! You have no talent at all.

My hands are raised upwards now, towards the sky above me...
No. No. NO! Why are you wasting your time?

My body feels the rhythm now, my classic sway begins...
Focus on the technical aspects. You really can't dance!

My voice utters a single name repeatedly...
NOOOOOO! NOT THAT NAME!!!

I claim my authority with confidence and conviction....
[SILENCE IS HEARD]

"My heart will sing.... No other name.....Jesus.....Jesus!"

New Church. New Town. New Community.

Since I moved down with the intention of attending a discipleship training school in the fall, I knew which church God was calling me to attend right away. There's been some cultural differences at my new church which have been pretty funny. I also am experiencing funny differences in other areas in the town of Waco. I thought I would share a few by way of dialect differences from the north to the south. Please know I mean no harm or stereotyping.

YOUNG ADULT:
Minnesota definition--- noun, person who is 18, in college, and single..Hey! Would you like to come to my young adult small group?! We are all 18-20s and love to chill!!
Texas definition--- noun, person who is 20-30s...Hey! We have a young adult worship night the first Tuesday of every moth!! You should come.

Funny story. I wasn't going to go because I was thinking I was too old. What's real funny is my church has a college ministry AND young adults ministry and I was so bummed I couldn't go to either until my roommate cleared the confusion up for me!

PEN:
Minnesota pronunciation--pəəən...noun, something you write with
Texas pronunciation--p-inn (2 syllables)...noun, something you write with

Funny Story. While working assisting a nurse with a dressing change, she asked for a pen, but is Texan so how she said it I thought she meant pin, something pokey. The look on my face as I asked her why on earth she needed a pin was hilarious I guess. I was picked on all day by my nurses!

PORCH:
Minnesota definition: noun, place in which you go to retrieve items in the winter that you want to chill quickly but doubles as a relaxing space or additional eating area when it is not winter that us typically enclosed with screens and or windows
Texas definition: noun, place just outside your front or backdoor that doubles as another living room area and comes complete with at least 2-3 ceiling fans and some form of lighting in the ceiling

Funny Story. My new life group friend hosted a BBQ at his home. When I arrived he said, "Hey! I'm hoping we'll all mostly eat on the porch since it is so nice out." Not saying anything, I looked around for a potential porch location, not finding one I waited quietly for a lead from another person. After getting nothing, I turned to the gal I had just met and said, "Hey! I think I'd love to go sit on the porch! Will you join me?" After she said yes to my offer I said, "Great! I will follow you!" I love the Texas porch so much better than the Minnesota version!!

These are just a few cultural things I have been experiencing. I have 5-10 daily. It is all mostly hilarious and makes me laugh. The accent down here is so challenging, it really sounds like a whole other language!!!

The Rainy Season

"You have to have rain in order for rainbows to come."

I read this quote on facebook the other day. It is perfect for my life the past three weeks. I have been bringing a lot of things to the Lord and our convo has gone like this...

ME: Lord, it has been so hot. I get you called me here, but can't you make it colder for me? I believe you can do ANYTHING, so can't you do this?

GOD: (pats me gently on the head) I could make this region colder for you but then it would destroy a lot of the ecosystem I have created in this region. Would that really be fair?

ME: Well I guess not God.

GOD: When I created it all and saw that it was good, I was happy and thrilled to share this world with you one day. Do you not think it is good?

ME: Lord, I am sorry. Forgive me for my selfishness. It is so good and beautiful..so much more than the dead of winter turning to Spring. I just am not adjusting well. It is a HUGE change!

GOD: (envelopes me in a hug) I know it is and I knew it would be, but you know this is only a season, right?

ME: (laughs) Well, yes, I know the heat is just a season, but it is so drastically different than Minnesota.

GOD: No, you don't understand. Remember your complaint of not having a social life last week, your tears shed over feeling alone yesterday, or even this lamenting about the heat today??

ME: Yes, Father, I remember those.

GOD: Well, these things are all a part of this season. It is only temporary. You are making friends and meeting people all the time. You will feel alone, but I am always here for you to turn to and fill that void. And eventually, you will visit Minnesota and wonder how you ever survived a winter there!! Do you not trust me and my plans for you?

ME: OH, LORD! Yes! I DO!

GOD: Then, stand firm knowing I have prepared you for all seasons--good, bad, trying, or thriving. I saw it all and I know what's best.

ME: Okay, Lord, I will.

This constant reminder and patience I have been given from God has gotten me through this hump. I really think the reality of my move didn't hit me until 3 weeks ago when I put the AC on in early March for the first time in my whole life!! I am thankful to grow in these challenges and know God has a greater plan than I could ever imagine. Every rainbow is a promise of His faithfulness! Only rain will bring a rainbow, so my tears and sweat falling like rain will one day show a beautiful image of God's faithfulness to me.

A Mission from God

I was sitting in my first day of orientation at work and a sweet Sister came forward to talk to us about the origin of the Catholic Hospital I would now be working in. My mind instantly went to back to my childhood with Sisters Mary Digna and Philotheia who were actual blood sisters who served God together. They have since passed away, but they were used very early on in my search for Christ and remained deeply close to me all through college. I was drawn in by this Sister's heart and had to listen to every word she shared.

The hospital I am working at was founded by the Daughters of Charity, which can be traced back to Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton--the first United States citizen to be canonized by the Roman Catholic Church. She is the Patron Saint for Catholic Education, as she started the very first Catholic school in Maryland. This sticks out to me greatly because my mother named my sister and I after St. Elizabeth Ann Seton by our middle names. The only difference is my middle name she liked better with an "e" on the end. I always grew up knowing this, so when I heard this Sister talk about the origins of the hospital being traced back to St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, I got really, really excited!

We were told that we were at the hospital to serve the Lord by serving the sick. To some, this could be very scandalous to hear your employer tell you this the very first day you started on the job; not to me. Inside my heart was dancing at the thought that my everyday job was actually a true calling from the Lord! The Sister went on to share with us there were six areas the hospital really wanted to instill into their employees: service, reverence, integrity, wisdom, creativity, and dedication. She gave us an acronym to remember these, "Serving Really Is Worshiping Christ Daily." She went on to say that our mission here is really worshiping Christ and that's important because we need to be rooted in Jesus as our healer so that we can serve the Lord by serving the sick. My heart skipped a bit at the thought that my job was much more than a job . . . but a calling.

The second day of orientation, we got to hear from the head of the nursing department. This lady was really neat to hear speak, so I took a lot of notes. One thing she said parallel what the Sister said the day before, "Your attitude will set the tone here. This is the first hospital in this city that was founded by the Daughters of Charity. This means, we don't want you to come to work thinking of it as just another job. You are actually on a mission from God to serve the sick. This should be your attitude every single day you come to work, no matter what happens at home." I had goosebumps then and I have goosebumps now! How amazing it is for my top boss to challenge me to have an attitude of service to God while at work!

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the concept of working for the Lord. This concept has never been foreign to me in any job I have ever been in previously and I would strive to do it, but this is the first time an employer of mine actually expects me to have this mindset. As a result, this has been a spiritual challenge as well as an employment challenge. Paul talked about this same concept in his book of Colossians. I will be memorizing this passage:

"Whatever you do, work heartily, 

as for the Lord and not for men,

knowing that from the Lord 

you will receive the inheritance as your reward. 

You are serving the Lord Christ."

Colossians 3:23-24 (ESV)

Gary, My New Best Friend

Gary and I first met in the Electronics Department of Walmart in Woodbury, MN. I was unsure of my purchase, but Gary seemed to be a symbol of hope in a box. I was thrilled the price was cheaper than I expected, so I brought Gary home. Over the next few days, I programmed Gary with addresses and locations I would use on my route to Texas. I am happy to report, Gary never once got me lost!

Now that I have been in Texas for a few days, Gary continues to guide me and get me from point A to point B with no troubles at all! I'm very thankful for this because I don't understand the road system in Texas at all! None of it makes a bit of sense, except for the I-35 signs--those I know will lead me back to Minnesota!

I realized the other day that if I had not gotten Gary, I pretty much would not be able to drive around the town of Waco. There's way too many one-way signs than I would ever care to see. There's also a spider of roads that seem to go in every single direction. I also have no sense of direction here--I can't tell where Mexico is and where Canada should be! It's really, really sad!

Just like I'm thankful I have Gary to guide and direct me, I'm learning how much more I need God to do the same. There's so much in a new town, new state, new job, new church, and new life that can be a struggle. I'm learning so much to tap into God, prayer, and the Bible to guide and direct me in my new place. A Garmin was manmade after all, but God is eternal!

A Million Steps in One Day

Perhaps the most daunting part about moving is unloading the boxes to your new place. I don't know why, but everywhere I have moved to has involved stairs going up or down to my new place. My new home in Texas is no exception!

I was given a tour of the house and shown where my new room was. I also met a couple housemates and one of my two roommates. Then, I started unloading box after box after box. Stair after stair after stair after stair after.... I suppose you get the picture? Anyways, later on that night while I laid in my bed exhausted and sore from my move, I went back to every step I climbed.

A million steps? Well, that's probably an exaggeration. I would say I definitely achieved more than the 10,000 steps recommended in a day! Each step involved my body forcing against gravity to rise up to another height, climbing higher and higher. What goes up, must come down as well. I eventually would go down as much as I would go up. I'm exhausted just remembering it! As I lay in bed recalling this, I got a random thought. . .

My life is full of rises and falls, ups and downs . . . I still move forward; I still press on. I was encouraged to remember this as this new season was upon me. Rises and falls and ups and downs will all still come, along with leg cramps and blisters on your feet. Press on.

Missouri-Oklahoma Border

As I was traveling down here, I started thinking a lot about states and who created the borders of one ending and another starting. Even counties? Whose job was it to declare the crazy mess of the east side of the Twin Cities and the random shapes of those counties. Martin County in southern Minnesota is nice and square and I always thought every county was like that, but they aren't. Who picked the shapes of the states? Why is Minnesota shaped so oddly and Michigan is like a hand? I have random thoughts often . . .Then, the phone rang!

I was greeted on the phone by a potential supervisor who informed me that there were some changes in the timeline for me to be able to start on March 2nd like we had hoped. As a result of this, she called to hire me and offer me a position! As I listened to her offer and tried not to scream her eardrum out, I was greeted with a "Welcome to Oklahoma" sign! I accepted her offer, talked briefly, and then we ended the call.

I found myself praising God and thanking Him for His provision. You see, there's always people on the sidelines of my life who think I'm crazy, who aren't the most supportive, and who like to point out ways something I'm thinking of doing won't pan out. I used to stop doing what I was doing the moment these people scoffed at an idea. This time was different.

Instead of hesitating, I sought the Lord first. Then, over time, I sought out Godly counsel of trustworthy individuals who knew my God and knew me, people I have given the right to mentor me and guide me. I also ran the idea by some of my closest girlfriends. I was sure God's hand was in this move, but to move without a job secured from one end of the country to the other was scary. I knew God had a plan for me, I never doubted.

There was great peace as I crossed the border into Oklahoma on Saturday, February 21st. I not only had a place to live, but a job as well . . .

 More importantly, I also had a vision of what God was going to do and it was confirmed while I was en route, stepping out in faith!