One of the things on my mind lately is the tension that exists between our perception and Truth. Our eyes see things, our brain interprets what it sees, our emotions respond, and our actions spill out in response. Truth, on the other hand, is a "fact or belief accepted as truth" and in some circles, Truth doesn't exist. For the Christian, it does and it should be sought after in ever perceived situation.
For most of my life, there's been this constant battle of my perception of something said, a situation that happened, or another person's perception verses the truth of the situation. One of these most difficult situations was sexual abuse that I went through as a kid for 5 years at the expense of a family member. For me, the Truth was it happened for a very long time. My perception of the situation as a young child led to my fear of being in trouble. In fact, a year after it started I found out what was going on was actually wrong. All I knew as a little 11 year old was that this was wrong and bad. My perception of that response led me to great fear. I had to hide it for the sake of being in trouble for something that was so wrong and bad they did a skit about it in school, and hid it I did. Years later, it came out due to a friend's mom reporting it to the county as any mandated reporter should upon hearing this type of news. For my extended family members who eventually found out, I was not believed. There was a lot of shock behind what they found out and a lot of disbelief. Their perception was that they saw nothing, experienced nothing themselves, and so their Truth was I was lying. The funny thing is, the Truth existed whether I was even able to perceive it myself. For nearly two years, I thought it was normal and completely okay. My Truth was even not Truth until I found out the facts and realized that what I believed was not truth and should not have been accepted as such. Man, how confusing it is to explain now. It is no wonder the 10th grader dealing with it was nothing but confused at the time.
Another situation was dealing with Major Depressive Disorder & Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in college. My perceptions at the time were so far from the Truth of the situation because I was having flashbacks to the above abuse every single day, sometimes even 10 times or more each day. I was constantly having to battle this overwhelming feeling that life was pointless and worthless, even my body didn't want to move or get out of bed. The pointless, worthless life combined with visions of horrible situations I was sure I had put behind me, but would not stop replaying. They'd show up at a glance of a plaid shirt, a smell of Old Spice, or sometimes even a simple sentence. My perceptions were not Truth and I knew it, but I didn't know what to do at first. Years of counseling later, I no longer have PTSD or MDD, although you never are really "cured" from them. They just go dormant and can resurface later on in life.
I will say that I feel like there's a lifestyle that comes with depression that is hard to overcome and, for me, it has sometimes been harder to overcome the lifestyle than the depression itself. The lifestyle is a bent towards apathy and a lack of initiative. An example could be found in any area of life, but a very common one is self-care. MDD makes it impossible some days to care for yourself, let alone function well. Bathing takes as much effort as bench pressing 1000 pounds some days. Brushing your teeth may be the very last thought in your mind when you first wake up simply because your brain is overthinking everything and never shuts off. Caring at all about what you wear, or how your hair looks can also be a very apathetic thing. When the cycle of MDD is over, the lifestyle often remains though. Suddenly, a bunch of bad habits that developed due to this mental illness exist and you have to constantly fight back into a healthier way of living. Life becomes worthwhile enough that you can fight through any ounce of apathy and muster the ability to self-care and experience how good it feels to brush your teeth, take a shower, and wear clean clothes. Your Truth suddenly changes into a fact: you are worthy and life is beautiful.
All too often we get hung up on what others may perceive about us and what the Truth is. I know this is human nature, none of us want to be perceived negatively. We also don't want to admit we have characteristics about us that others may not like. For the past month, I have gone on about 6 interviews. Every single person asked me, "What are your top three weaknesses and strengths?" Who doesn't hear that and try to put a positive spin on the negative?! I mean, what would happen if we honestly said something like, "One of my weaknesses is the tendency to back-stab my coworkers if I think they're better than me?" Of course none of us would be brutally honest like that in an interview! Don't we need to be brutally honest like that to ourselves though? Is it so bad to take the time and process the root of the situation that is causing you such a strong emotional response? Here's one example.
In college, while dealing with my PTSD and MDD, I was in and out of jobs. My boss at JoAnn Fabrics & Crafts rehired me for a third time due to college breaks and summer break that was policy as part-time folks couldn't go on vacations. We were filling out the paperwork and she asked me, "Emily, you're not as happy as you used to be. What's going on?" And for the sake of brutal honesty, I told her that I was in counseling for PTSD and MDD and had so much hurt, sadness, anger, and pain that it was hard to smile unless I was being paid to. She looked at me and said, "Well, if you have a bad day, call me and tell me that. I can take you off the schedule anytime. And if you're having a good day and not on the schedule, call me and I'll let you know if I need you." This was how I was able to work through that year of hard counseling. Gale was the best boss I have ever had because she was willing to hear me, understand, and work with me. She knew the Truth about me was that I'm fun, loving, bubbly, and committed to everything I do. PTSD and MDD robbed those qualities from me for a time, but Gale knew they were True to who I was. As a result, I had a purpose to wake up to and some sort of income to live on. Later on, in counseling I found out that the struggle with job retention was my fear of disapproval, inability to see myself as an equal person of equal value with others, and an inability to not connect conflict with hatred. There was several perceptions I have come to believe as fact that prevented me from seeing the Truth for many years.
Fast-forward to today. We have a potential candidate for President that has a history of treating women horribly. He even bragged about his violations of women, which was the equivalent of rape. And in one swoop says, "I'm sorry. I was wrong." And many are coming to his defense and criticizing those of us who are speaking out in outrage. Unfortunately, I know what happens when you're grabbed by your p---y" without your consent and the fact and Truth of the matter is this: No apology will make it better. For decades I fought to believe life was worth living because of someone doing what this potential president thinks is okay. And for years, many Christians said to me, "Just forgive and forget," or, "You need to forgive him and you'll be better." The thing is, forgiveness in Christ doesn't mean acceptance of a wrong. A person who is verbally abusive and finds every reason to defend their actions, is still verbally abusive. Their defense just adds to the sentence, "They are verbally abusive and think it is okay." The Truth is rape is wrong. Bragging about raping women is wrong. And statistically speaking, abusers in any form are unable to consistently stop this behavior, even if they'd want to. As long as we defend the abusers and excuse them, we are part of the problem. If the abusers seeking forgiveness was a proper response, the Catholic Church would not have had so many cases of sexual abuse over the years. We live in a culture that doesn't care about Truth, but each person's perception.
Perception often denies the Truth and that is something we all need to realize.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Thursday, October 13, 2016
What am I doing?!
Do you ever have moments where you make a decision which you are very confident in, but later you scream inside, "What am I doing?!" I have been having several of those moments lately. While this Abraham Journey continues to be a journey and my path is lit by a tiny candle so I only see a few steps ahead of me, it can be unsettling to have these moments.
I started thinking again of Abraham's journey, in particular Genesis 22 where he was initially instructed to sacrifice Isaac as a test of his obedience to God. I have always found the story unsettling and morbid if I'm honest. It is one of those things I plan to chat it up with God in heaven while drinking Starbucks; both opportunities will be available to me in heaven I believe. I don't have to understand God's methods to get Abraham's attention, just like you don't have to understand God's methods to get my attention. Every post on this blog, for example, could sound just as crazy to you, but it is still my story and potentially something you could take away. In this story of Abe and Isaac, I wonder sometimes what Abe was thinking, what he was feeling, and what he was convinced of during the process leading up to the ram showing up. The History Channel's production of this story is interesting to me. It portrays Abe as being a firm, silent follower with moments of thinking of what his wife would say. Then, it shows Sarah finding out and the emotional response to it as well. Biblically, there's no evidence Sarah ever knew it happened so they took some creative rights there, but it does show us one thing: God will sometimes request of us to do things we ourselves would not normally be able to do, or choose to do apart from Him.
I am a prayer partner for a few missionaries who are spreading the love of God to muslims in a couple "closed" countries. One person is a single woman who gave up her single life here in America to share Jesus in a country and region that could land her in jail. I am confident that this decision didn't come from her core being, but was a process and a result of God directing her and remaining with her during the fruition of this decision. Another missionary I pray for is a family that is in a region and country of the world that is always in the news, has been recently a site of war involving the USA, and is still very much unsettled. I have heard the husband and wife share about their journey to decide to do this, even with their children being young and having more children while living in that region. They admitted saying, "What am I doing?!" and "What are we doing?!", but they always came back to the realization that God is both worth obeying and will provide support for the journey ahead.
There's many areas right now where I am at this place of "freak out" . . . that place of throwing my hands up and humanly saying, "What the hell am I doing, God?! You really want me to do this?!" I am finding it okay to be in this place and sit there a little bit because Jesus, in His own humanity, had a freak out moment too.
"And taking with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee [James and John], He began to be grieved and greatly distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, so that I am almost dying of sorrow. Stay here and stay awake and keep watch with Me.” " (Matthew 26:37-38, AMP) Not only did Jesus go to a secret, safe place of His to process His human feelings, but He also included His 3 closest friends. He brought them along and then opened up to them the magnitude of what He was feeling. I see the feelings of sadness, fear, pain, unsettled, anxiety, restlessness, heart ache, vulnerability, and being exposed. He was trying to rely on His friends for safety, protection, and comfort.
"And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “So, you men could not stay awake and keep watch with Me for one hour?" " (Matthew 26:40, AMP) Jesus goes away for a little bit and when He returns, the folks He reached out to were so comfortable that they feel asleep! This is something that is insightful because when we are in these "freak out" moments, others may think it's not a big deal, or see the magnitude of what's ahead. The disciples were certainly historically clueless to a lot of things and their full understanding didn't come until after Jesus' death and resurrection. This is important to realize because, as my earlier post spoke of, God's wired humans to have a certain connection with others. When we seek to rely upon others in our "freak out" moments, we may be poorly supported. The reason for poor support is just like the disciples poor support of Jesus. They didn't understand everything Jesus told them and if they did grasp a piece of it, they were often in denial and rationalized it away. Our friends cannot understand what God is doing in our lives when what is ahead of us is such a personal request from God of us, no matter how we describe it. The few that do understand a small portion may say, "Oh, I could never do that?!" Others may even think that it's offensive and morbid when they realize what you're being led to do. Why would that not happen in a relationship with God that is supposed to be deeply personal? How many romantic relationships do we see among our friends and family? When they make a decision to marry fast, never use birth control and have as many children as God gives them, or even to move a certain place . . . really any decisions we may not understand or choose ourselves . . . we often think, "WOW! That's CRAZY?!" Our relationship with God ought to be just a personal and, therefore, potentially just as misunderstood by others around us.
And then, Jesus says the best words I believe He ever uttered from His humanity: "And after going a little farther, He fell face down and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible [that is, consistent with Your will], let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” " (Matthew 26:39, 42, 44, AMP) Jesus had to tell Himself this three times just to get it into His thick, human head so that it could penetrate His soft, human heart. When we have moments of "freak out" we need to do the same. I need to say right now, in my present situations, "God, I think this is crazy. I don't even know that I can do what You're asking. If there's another way, that would ROCK! Yet, I trust You and what You've laid before me. I will surrender to You and Your will and believe You will supply the strength and provisions needed for me to obey. I want Your will, not mine." Talk about the hardest sentence ever! Yet it is also the most beautiful.
Here's to saying that over and over again.
I started thinking again of Abraham's journey, in particular Genesis 22 where he was initially instructed to sacrifice Isaac as a test of his obedience to God. I have always found the story unsettling and morbid if I'm honest. It is one of those things I plan to chat it up with God in heaven while drinking Starbucks; both opportunities will be available to me in heaven I believe. I don't have to understand God's methods to get Abraham's attention, just like you don't have to understand God's methods to get my attention. Every post on this blog, for example, could sound just as crazy to you, but it is still my story and potentially something you could take away. In this story of Abe and Isaac, I wonder sometimes what Abe was thinking, what he was feeling, and what he was convinced of during the process leading up to the ram showing up. The History Channel's production of this story is interesting to me. It portrays Abe as being a firm, silent follower with moments of thinking of what his wife would say. Then, it shows Sarah finding out and the emotional response to it as well. Biblically, there's no evidence Sarah ever knew it happened so they took some creative rights there, but it does show us one thing: God will sometimes request of us to do things we ourselves would not normally be able to do, or choose to do apart from Him.
I am a prayer partner for a few missionaries who are spreading the love of God to muslims in a couple "closed" countries. One person is a single woman who gave up her single life here in America to share Jesus in a country and region that could land her in jail. I am confident that this decision didn't come from her core being, but was a process and a result of God directing her and remaining with her during the fruition of this decision. Another missionary I pray for is a family that is in a region and country of the world that is always in the news, has been recently a site of war involving the USA, and is still very much unsettled. I have heard the husband and wife share about their journey to decide to do this, even with their children being young and having more children while living in that region. They admitted saying, "What am I doing?!" and "What are we doing?!", but they always came back to the realization that God is both worth obeying and will provide support for the journey ahead.
There's many areas right now where I am at this place of "freak out" . . . that place of throwing my hands up and humanly saying, "What the hell am I doing, God?! You really want me to do this?!" I am finding it okay to be in this place and sit there a little bit because Jesus, in His own humanity, had a freak out moment too.
"And taking with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee [James and John], He began to be grieved and greatly distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, so that I am almost dying of sorrow. Stay here and stay awake and keep watch with Me.” " (Matthew 26:37-38, AMP) Not only did Jesus go to a secret, safe place of His to process His human feelings, but He also included His 3 closest friends. He brought them along and then opened up to them the magnitude of what He was feeling. I see the feelings of sadness, fear, pain, unsettled, anxiety, restlessness, heart ache, vulnerability, and being exposed. He was trying to rely on His friends for safety, protection, and comfort.
"And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “So, you men could not stay awake and keep watch with Me for one hour?" " (Matthew 26:40, AMP) Jesus goes away for a little bit and when He returns, the folks He reached out to were so comfortable that they feel asleep! This is something that is insightful because when we are in these "freak out" moments, others may think it's not a big deal, or see the magnitude of what's ahead. The disciples were certainly historically clueless to a lot of things and their full understanding didn't come until after Jesus' death and resurrection. This is important to realize because, as my earlier post spoke of, God's wired humans to have a certain connection with others. When we seek to rely upon others in our "freak out" moments, we may be poorly supported. The reason for poor support is just like the disciples poor support of Jesus. They didn't understand everything Jesus told them and if they did grasp a piece of it, they were often in denial and rationalized it away. Our friends cannot understand what God is doing in our lives when what is ahead of us is such a personal request from God of us, no matter how we describe it. The few that do understand a small portion may say, "Oh, I could never do that?!" Others may even think that it's offensive and morbid when they realize what you're being led to do. Why would that not happen in a relationship with God that is supposed to be deeply personal? How many romantic relationships do we see among our friends and family? When they make a decision to marry fast, never use birth control and have as many children as God gives them, or even to move a certain place . . . really any decisions we may not understand or choose ourselves . . . we often think, "WOW! That's CRAZY?!" Our relationship with God ought to be just a personal and, therefore, potentially just as misunderstood by others around us.
And then, Jesus says the best words I believe He ever uttered from His humanity: "And after going a little farther, He fell face down and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible [that is, consistent with Your will], let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” " (Matthew 26:39, 42, 44, AMP) Jesus had to tell Himself this three times just to get it into His thick, human head so that it could penetrate His soft, human heart. When we have moments of "freak out" we need to do the same. I need to say right now, in my present situations, "God, I think this is crazy. I don't even know that I can do what You're asking. If there's another way, that would ROCK! Yet, I trust You and what You've laid before me. I will surrender to You and Your will and believe You will supply the strength and provisions needed for me to obey. I want Your will, not mine." Talk about the hardest sentence ever! Yet it is also the most beautiful.
Here's to saying that over and over again.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Connection
"A connection is the energy that exists between two people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship." ~ Brene Brown ~
One of the hardest parts of this move to Texas was uprooting just after finally having a great sense of connection at my previous church. I had only been living in the Twin Cities for three years before I got the push from God to Texas. I was active in an awesome Small Group that saw me off when I moved, encouraged me at my last small group, and many have kept in touch no matter the distance between us. I left it all to move to a town where the only people I knew, I met during a one week visit three months before.
To say the move here to Waco has been easy would be false. The process of getting here was a breeze. Me, my car, and the road; it was a beautiful three day adventure. In the short time I have been here I have moved twice, been a part of 6 small groups-4 of which disbanded suddenly, had things stolen from me by a roommate, and been flat out ignored and treated like I was invisible more times than I could count. Feeling a connection with anyone, or anything has been the hardest thing ever.
Lately, I have been feeling lonely. Now, let me say, just because I'm single doesn't mean my loneliness is for a guy or to be married. Actually, I'm content right now with that portion of my life. I realized recently it is a loneliness for a good girlfriend, which is surprising! I have always been a gal who had loads of guy friends and hung out with them easily. Girlfriends on the other hand were not as successful, or even healthy relationships and influences. To satisfy this craving, I did what every single Christian has been told to do when lonely: turn to God. The belief is, by turning to God and getting your needs met by Him first, you won't be lonely and life will be great. While I think it is important to get your needs met by God first, I am starting to realize that this isn't the complete prescription for loneliness. There's another prescription that needs to be combined to successfully cure loneliness: connection with others.
I am coming to this awakening that Jesus traveled in groups because He knew connection was vital, not only to His ministry, but to His well-being as a human. He always was well connected to God, but still felt forsaken by Him on the cross because the people closest to Him turned their backs on Him and had Him crucified. He had a large crowd following, but a small group He invested personal time with to disciple, grow, and take over His ministry, but He also had an even smaller posse of three dudes He loved like brothers and told everything to. He was connected so deeply and so fulfilled.
We talk about the need for a small group often in churches. We talk about how we need to live in community and be known, which I fully agree with. I am surprised that we never talk about connection and really being known by each other and seen, heard, and valued. I do not think Jesus' ministry would have amounted to much if there had not been a connection with those three friends of His. I don't think the human side of Him could have maintained it by Himself. It is one thing to be known over the surface and an entirely different thing to be known deeply.
This is the root of what I'm seeing as my struggle with loneliness. I'm glad to see it, but frustrated because there's a long list of reasons since I have moved her that it doesn't exist. There have been glimpses of it, but it changes rapidly and surprisingly at times. The hope for it to change will come in due time. Meanwhile, I am aware of the emptiness that remains.
One of the hardest parts of this move to Texas was uprooting just after finally having a great sense of connection at my previous church. I had only been living in the Twin Cities for three years before I got the push from God to Texas. I was active in an awesome Small Group that saw me off when I moved, encouraged me at my last small group, and many have kept in touch no matter the distance between us. I left it all to move to a town where the only people I knew, I met during a one week visit three months before.
To say the move here to Waco has been easy would be false. The process of getting here was a breeze. Me, my car, and the road; it was a beautiful three day adventure. In the short time I have been here I have moved twice, been a part of 6 small groups-4 of which disbanded suddenly, had things stolen from me by a roommate, and been flat out ignored and treated like I was invisible more times than I could count. Feeling a connection with anyone, or anything has been the hardest thing ever.
Lately, I have been feeling lonely. Now, let me say, just because I'm single doesn't mean my loneliness is for a guy or to be married. Actually, I'm content right now with that portion of my life. I realized recently it is a loneliness for a good girlfriend, which is surprising! I have always been a gal who had loads of guy friends and hung out with them easily. Girlfriends on the other hand were not as successful, or even healthy relationships and influences. To satisfy this craving, I did what every single Christian has been told to do when lonely: turn to God. The belief is, by turning to God and getting your needs met by Him first, you won't be lonely and life will be great. While I think it is important to get your needs met by God first, I am starting to realize that this isn't the complete prescription for loneliness. There's another prescription that needs to be combined to successfully cure loneliness: connection with others.
I am coming to this awakening that Jesus traveled in groups because He knew connection was vital, not only to His ministry, but to His well-being as a human. He always was well connected to God, but still felt forsaken by Him on the cross because the people closest to Him turned their backs on Him and had Him crucified. He had a large crowd following, but a small group He invested personal time with to disciple, grow, and take over His ministry, but He also had an even smaller posse of three dudes He loved like brothers and told everything to. He was connected so deeply and so fulfilled.
We talk about the need for a small group often in churches. We talk about how we need to live in community and be known, which I fully agree with. I am surprised that we never talk about connection and really being known by each other and seen, heard, and valued. I do not think Jesus' ministry would have amounted to much if there had not been a connection with those three friends of His. I don't think the human side of Him could have maintained it by Himself. It is one thing to be known over the surface and an entirely different thing to be known deeply.
This is the root of what I'm seeing as my struggle with loneliness. I'm glad to see it, but frustrated because there's a long list of reasons since I have moved her that it doesn't exist. There have been glimpses of it, but it changes rapidly and surprisingly at times. The hope for it to change will come in due time. Meanwhile, I am aware of the emptiness that remains.
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