One of the things on my mind lately is the tension that exists between our perception and Truth. Our eyes see things, our brain interprets what it sees, our emotions respond, and our actions spill out in response. Truth, on the other hand, is a "fact or belief accepted as truth" and in some circles, Truth doesn't exist. For the Christian, it does and it should be sought after in ever perceived situation.
For most of my life, there's been this constant battle of my perception of something said, a situation that happened, or another person's perception verses the truth of the situation. One of these most difficult situations was sexual abuse that I went through as a kid for 5 years at the expense of a family member. For me, the Truth was it happened for a very long time. My perception of the situation as a young child led to my fear of being in trouble. In fact, a year after it started I found out what was going on was actually wrong. All I knew as a little 11 year old was that this was wrong and bad. My perception of that response led me to great fear. I had to hide it for the sake of being in trouble for something that was so wrong and bad they did a skit about it in school, and hid it I did. Years later, it came out due to a friend's mom reporting it to the county as any mandated reporter should upon hearing this type of news. For my extended family members who eventually found out, I was not believed. There was a lot of shock behind what they found out and a lot of disbelief. Their perception was that they saw nothing, experienced nothing themselves, and so their Truth was I was lying. The funny thing is, the Truth existed whether I was even able to perceive it myself. For nearly two years, I thought it was normal and completely okay. My Truth was even not Truth until I found out the facts and realized that what I believed was not truth and should not have been accepted as such. Man, how confusing it is to explain now. It is no wonder the 10th grader dealing with it was nothing but confused at the time.
Another situation was dealing with Major Depressive Disorder & Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in college. My perceptions at the time were so far from the Truth of the situation because I was having flashbacks to the above abuse every single day, sometimes even 10 times or more each day. I was constantly having to battle this overwhelming feeling that life was pointless and worthless, even my body didn't want to move or get out of bed. The pointless, worthless life combined with visions of horrible situations I was sure I had put behind me, but would not stop replaying. They'd show up at a glance of a plaid shirt, a smell of Old Spice, or sometimes even a simple sentence. My perceptions were not Truth and I knew it, but I didn't know what to do at first. Years of counseling later, I no longer have PTSD or MDD, although you never are really "cured" from them. They just go dormant and can resurface later on in life.
I will say that I feel like there's a lifestyle that comes with depression that is hard to overcome and, for me, it has sometimes been harder to overcome the lifestyle than the depression itself. The lifestyle is a bent towards apathy and a lack of initiative. An example could be found in any area of life, but a very common one is self-care. MDD makes it impossible some days to care for yourself, let alone function well. Bathing takes as much effort as bench pressing 1000 pounds some days. Brushing your teeth may be the very last thought in your mind when you first wake up simply because your brain is overthinking everything and never shuts off. Caring at all about what you wear, or how your hair looks can also be a very apathetic thing. When the cycle of MDD is over, the lifestyle often remains though. Suddenly, a bunch of bad habits that developed due to this mental illness exist and you have to constantly fight back into a healthier way of living. Life becomes worthwhile enough that you can fight through any ounce of apathy and muster the ability to self-care and experience how good it feels to brush your teeth, take a shower, and wear clean clothes. Your Truth suddenly changes into a fact: you are worthy and life is beautiful.
All too often we get hung up on what others may perceive about us and what the Truth is. I know this is human nature, none of us want to be perceived negatively. We also don't want to admit we have characteristics about us that others may not like. For the past month, I have gone on about 6 interviews. Every single person asked me, "What are your top three weaknesses and strengths?" Who doesn't hear that and try to put a positive spin on the negative?! I mean, what would happen if we honestly said something like, "One of my weaknesses is the tendency to back-stab my coworkers if I think they're better than me?" Of course none of us would be brutally honest like that in an interview! Don't we need to be brutally honest like that to ourselves though? Is it so bad to take the time and process the root of the situation that is causing you such a strong emotional response? Here's one example.
In college, while dealing with my PTSD and MDD, I was in and out of jobs. My boss at JoAnn Fabrics & Crafts rehired me for a third time due to college breaks and summer break that was policy as part-time folks couldn't go on vacations. We were filling out the paperwork and she asked me, "Emily, you're not as happy as you used to be. What's going on?" And for the sake of brutal honesty, I told her that I was in counseling for PTSD and MDD and had so much hurt, sadness, anger, and pain that it was hard to smile unless I was being paid to. She looked at me and said, "Well, if you have a bad day, call me and tell me that. I can take you off the schedule anytime. And if you're having a good day and not on the schedule, call me and I'll let you know if I need you." This was how I was able to work through that year of hard counseling. Gale was the best boss I have ever had because she was willing to hear me, understand, and work with me. She knew the Truth about me was that I'm fun, loving, bubbly, and committed to everything I do. PTSD and MDD robbed those qualities from me for a time, but Gale knew they were True to who I was. As a result, I had a purpose to wake up to and some sort of income to live on. Later on, in counseling I found out that the struggle with job retention was my fear of disapproval, inability to see myself as an equal person of equal value with others, and an inability to not connect conflict with hatred. There was several perceptions I have come to believe as fact that prevented me from seeing the Truth for many years.
Fast-forward to today. We have a potential candidate for President that has a history of treating women horribly. He even bragged about his violations of women, which was the equivalent of rape. And in one swoop says, "I'm sorry. I was wrong." And many are coming to his defense and criticizing those of us who are speaking out in outrage. Unfortunately, I know what happens when you're grabbed by your p---y" without your consent and the fact and Truth of the matter is this: No apology will make it better. For decades I fought to believe life was worth living because of someone doing what this potential president thinks is okay. And for years, many Christians said to me, "Just forgive and forget," or, "You need to forgive him and you'll be better." The thing is, forgiveness in Christ doesn't mean acceptance of a wrong. A person who is verbally abusive and finds every reason to defend their actions, is still verbally abusive. Their defense just adds to the sentence, "They are verbally abusive and think it is okay." The Truth is rape is wrong. Bragging about raping women is wrong. And statistically speaking, abusers in any form are unable to consistently stop this behavior, even if they'd want to. As long as we defend the abusers and excuse them, we are part of the problem. If the abusers seeking forgiveness was a proper response, the Catholic Church would not have had so many cases of sexual abuse over the years. We live in a culture that doesn't care about Truth, but each person's perception.
Perception often denies the Truth and that is something we all need to realize.
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