2018 was a year. In many ways it was tough and in many ways it was amazing. Some highlights each month follow:
January: I received my very first FULL paycheck since September 2017 when I had to quit my job shortly after starting it and leaving a previous job. This job was me stepping out in faith and it was clear I wasn’t capable of doing it so I was forced to leave. It took awhile to get paid with my new job mostly because I was a temp in my permanent role so it didn’t pay a full amount. Thankfully, insurance started and I was also able to seek much needed medical treatment as I had some serious things going on. Two ER visits, a specialist, a ultrasound, CT Scan, and MRI were all done. My specialist had a diagnosis and dropped the “possible cancer” phrase and we made a pre-op for a week later.
February: I saw the specialist and had surgery with biopsies. There was a lot of fear and stress, and a lot of health issues. I was freakishly at peace never doubting God was in control. Trust was my word for 2018 and Trust was what I did. No matter what outcome, God was still GOOD and TRUSTWORTHY, so I had nothing to fear.
March: After my surgery and biopsies, my results were rushed because my doctor was concerned. Eventually, I was told it was negative and no cancer or abnormalities present. The week of surgery, my church had a corporate prayer and fasting. I felt like I spiritually HAD TO GO to each worship night, even though physically I could barely walk and was in a lot of pain. The first night, someone had a word that people were effected by cancer and God would heal them. I was only one of 5 people to raise their hand for prayer and 3 of us were waiting for results. The next day a friend I had not seen in awhile felt the need to pray for me and prayed for healing. The final night at the celebration, roughly 6 people prayed for me. 2 of them I knew, but the other 4 just came up to me and said, “I feel the need to pray for healing over you. What’s going on?” Two days later I found out the results. Two weeks after that, my doctor said, “I have never been wrong. What I saw was not good and I can’t explain the results. I believe there was a miracle. And I have only ever seen two and each time, I am reminded a Higher Power has to exist.” I was able to explain to her about Jesus and the healing prayers I received that week.
April: After all the health concerns I was put on medication and told to come back in a year. As a result, I decided to heed God’s call to go to Peru on my first international missions trip. I began fundraising and by the end of April, I had my funds and a couple friends who sent me money directly to cover personal/travel/souvenir costs while there.
May: My health continued to greatly improve and this was the first month I felt good since October 2017. Not 100%, but I could tell things were turning the corner. I continued to Trust God for my trip to Peru. I also moved out of my apartment and had to rehome my beloved cat, Vivienne. Not having Vivi continues to be an adjustment and sometimes hard. I was able to focus on preparing for Peru and it really was exciting.
June: My trip to Peru was incredible. God did so much and healed so much in my heart. He also taught me about leadership. I learned that, as a leader, I want to equip, support, and encourage as much as possible. I also learned the importance of a leader remaining humble and teachable, as well as a team player and not controlling, or believe I know whatever I need to. God also healed parts of my heart that were so damaged, I never realized it until I came back. I also finally decided to go no contact with my parents after so much abuse my whole life. This decision has been encouraged by every single therapist I have seen in adulthood and was a decision that took 10 years to finally conclude it was the best to do.
July: I came back from Peru massively ill. I had a bacterial respiratory infection and a bacterial gastroenteritis infection as well. It took an entire month to feel myself and strong again. I also found out I was anemic after all my health scares. Again, I had to TRUST God for my health. I also turned 37! This year of 37 has shown more white hairs than I ever imagined and more progress forward on my health/healing journey. I had to buy a new wardrobe because things started not fitting and falling off!
August: I had some opportunities to advocate for myself in ways that would normally terrify me. Instead, I pressed into the fears and was my own advocate. The outcomes in all situations worked for my favor and helped me to move forward.
September: I had a lot of fun with friends, church activities, and various connections with others. I was able to enjoy my town and have me time be a regular thing I do. I also challenged myself to not hermit as an introvert and it helped tremendously!
October: I was able to Trust God with the challenging season ahead and the holiday pit I usually experience. I was able to make goals, guidelines, and boundaries surrounding each holiday. I also was able to plan ways to celebrate each holiday in my own way.
November: In spite of a horrible Thanksgiving experience, I used it as a data set and adjusted Christmas plans and my future holiday plans in general. I also embraced thankfulness and found so many reasons to be thankful regardless of my feelings. It was a powerful experience. I also identified boundaries with certain relationships that needed to be made and since placing them, my life has been much more peaceful and stress-free.
December: I had a beautiful Advent time and was able to lead my online group in celebrating Advent. When it came to Christmas, I was blessed by gifts I not only needed, but never expected receiving. A pair of dress shoes brought a level of healing I didn’t expect. A lavender warmzie has helped me sleep. And 5 new mugs make me remember I am seen. Christmas was in my terms and was a beautiful time celebrating the birth of my Savior, which is the most important thing to me. I also spent a lot of time preparing for the next year.
2019 is here. My word for the year is TRANSFORM. There’s huge promises God has for me in the 2019 and one is to be transformed physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I believe God gave me 2 Corinthians 3:17-18, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty [emancipation from bondage, true freedom]. And we all, with unveiled faces, continually seeing as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are progressively being transformed into His image from [one degree of] glory to [even more] glory, which comes from the Lord, [who is] the Spirit.” He will continue to transform me from glory to glory and a deeper freedom! There’s goals within this that I find personal and will not share with many. There’s financial goals, college goals, spiritual growth goals, and healing goals. I’m excited for the word “transform” to guide my year. I am excited for what all God will do in my life.
Monday, December 31, 2018
Saturday, October 27, 2018
The Hard Seasons Bring the Best Lessons
September through February are the hardest months for me. This year I felt it a couple of weeks ago when I felt anxiety just being there. Some days it never amounts to anything, but other days it keeps me up at night. One form of anxiety I have always struggled with is social anxiety. This time of year is notorious for social life and creates a lot of moments of social anxiety within me.
It is interesting this year how I see God meeting me within these moments as though He is my Father who understands and tenderly loves me. He has met me in ways that are opposite what many say about anxiety as a Christian. I have had a lot of well-meaning conversations with others who are quick to rebuke me, anoint me with oil, or cast Satan out of me. Do I think anxiety is from God? No. Do I think I'm less of a Christian, or sinning because I struggle with anxiety? Absolutely not. I have a mental illness and anxiety is a bi-product of it. Can God heal me? Yes! In fact, He already has in so many ways! My anxiety is NOTHING like what it used to be and my medications are down to just one tiny little pill I either take half of or whole only when all my tools in my coping skills toolbox do not work. In many ways, I feel like I am like Paul with a thorn in my flesh and anxiety is kinda the thing that won't fully leave. Saying that doesn't mean I'm speaking it into my life forever and it doesn't mean I'm speaking power to Satan, but it does acknowledge the thousands of conversations God and I have had about it and all the prayers, along with the powerful work He has already done in me. For every day in a year, God's Word gives us about verse about fear. I believe that shows the loving Father God knew as humans we would be little bundles bent towards fear and worry, so He gave us one anchor for every day. Today I hold onto the anchor even while I stop to take a solid, deep breath because my anxiety is just there. This week it has hit me in the dark as I try to fall asleep. What has helped is essential oils, self care routines, worship music, prayer, and one night I had to take that tiny half of a pill. And you know what is funny? God has never been closer, never been more present, and easily I find a deep, intimate connection with Him. In a weird way, I'm thankful for this latest bout of my anxiety because it's pushing me closer to the One who matters.
Several days ago, my social anxiety kicked up a notch and I couldn't shake it. I started praying, "God what in the world?! How will I ever step into what you've called me to do if every time I interact with someone I am second guessing myself?!" Another lament, "Why does it matter so much in my head what happened and what went wrong Lord?! Take my thoughts before I even think them!" Then, I had this overwhelming urge to write. A poem came from this instead of a typical post so I copied it to Word because I wasn't sure I wanted to share it here. Then, the more I have been experiencing this, the more I feel like God is allowing this to bridge a cap between Christianity and psychology. You see, neither want to embrace the other, but both can't exist apart from the other. I believe my healing from PTSD, major depressive disorder, and binge eating disorder have only come from a faith that sees what God's revealed to amazing psychologists, psychiatrists, and the medicationists (new word ha!). My faith in God is stronger because in the darkest moments as I relied on psychology and connected to God and the Truths of His Word. In fact, my relationship with God started two days after a third suicide attempt. I attempted suicide on a Saturday, Sunday, and a Wednesday and that Friday (all in the SAME WEEK) I met Jesus. Every Christian psychologist I have seen cries when I share the whole story. Interestingly, some Christians tell me to NOT go there when I share the story, and for years I did shorten it and chop off the darkness so it was more palatable. Yet, God has shown me that I do not need to be ashamed of the fact that God used a mental illness to call me to Him. Today, I also feel no shame to share that I still struggle and I think God understands and meets me in that struggle in beautiful ways He would not be able to otherwise.
Will He take away my anxiety once and for all? Every day I pray He will. If there's ever an altar call, or a word of healing for it I reach out for His healing--even if it is just another layer of the anxiety onion to be cut off, diced, and fried in His holy fry pan! Layer by layer there is a beautiful aroma in the home of my heart that would not exist without His hand and holy chef's knife. Does Satan ever show up? Yep! Lately, in the dark because he loves darkness and he is lazy! Satan knows my deepest struggles have been in the darkness and so when I appear weak this time of year, he shows up every now and then. What I keep remembering is I overcome the darkness and still find enough hours to rest in Him. I awake in the morning with a reset where anxiety is plugged in an ready but not yet turned on. I have to be intentional to use my toolbox of coping skills throughout my day. I have to be purposeful with my self care and I have to be as connected to God as possible. This doesn't always mean reading His Word, but worship, conversation, listening to Him speak, or crying out to Him with a holy ugly cry (seriously). And once in a while, it means writing a raw, honest poem that is equal parts raw and revelation. Without further qualifications, here is that poem....
social anxiety
wide awake with the lights out, everything gets replayed now
rehearsing everything that I said, what should I-could I-shouldn’t have said
I plan ahead how convos could go: the worst, the good, and the unknown
before I go to that gathering, what could go wrong—I gotta be prepared
throughout my day I often fight tears and moments of uncertainty
why did they say that, where did I do wrong, how can I fix that, and how to get along
the words cut like a knife and they don’t have a clue
I tell myself often to let it go, the worst belief about it is rarely ever true
when you’re at your weakest point, you notice little things that feel like deep wounds:
people rally around someone and you’re left alone
people asking if you’re new here at a place where you’ve gone weekly for years
people being silent when you share a need
analyzing the reasons, the causes, and the slight avoidances
most think you don’t notice, but you notice even the slightest
a conversation went really wrong between us and now you don’t say hello when you see me
I couldn’t go to your party, so now you don’t even call me
you made an assumption and chose to confront me, but now that it’s clarified you still avoid me
someone told you something about me from their side and now you refuse to value me
I notice all the slightest and the biggest and the in between
can it be fixed, corrected, changed, or modified in some way
before work I need a pep talk just to have a good day
don’t be afraid to be myself, don’t expect to be included, don’t read into it, and don’t have regrets
faking confidence faking calmness faking peace
you gotta fake it til you make it and grow into your own
the reason I am even writing this gets me scared
callings would take me past this to beyond
where my heart, soul, mind, and strength are mended and again strong
leaders should be flawless
with every Truth proclaimed, lies have been sprayed
I sort them out day after day
when I finally am calm and asleep late at night
that is when I have awoken to see the light
nothing is as bad as I think it could be
no one is judging me greater than me
the root of the issue is fear:
to fail
to be all I am created to be
to be alone
to be misunderstood
to be less than what you would expect of me
to be unable to reflect you
yet in all this self-examining,
Truth is found in the darkness where the anxiety begins
And this is just one tale
Emma Leigh
October 2018
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
Lessons from Peru
Wow! It has taken me a little bit to really process what all God did in the two weeks I was in Peru. What I thought would happen going into this trip ended up only becoming 1/16 of what actually happened! I love how God surprises us! I am thankful that I had a tentative itinerary, even if 90% of it ended up being changed!
The daily schedule was much more involved than I anticipated. When we arrived, we prepped supplies for the clinics and we had our first clinic day on Saturday--the NEXT day. It was quite overwhelming for me. The first clinic day, I served in a medical clinic at a satellite location. We were in a home that a family let the church leaders use because they knew the church was making a huge impact with their community and, even though the family does not yet know the Lord. A church leader there told me that they are hopeful God will win them over. The home had no electricity, no running water, and the location would be the nicest satellite location we would go to for the two weeks. There were a lot of colds and parasites at this location. My role was to hand out medicines as the doctor ordered. It was a task that melted my heart, wishing I could do more and give medicines for a year instead of a month. The Peruvian people were so thankful, so loving, and were eager to hug us and give us the "holy kiss" on each cheek.
Sundays were full of Jesus, worship, and church. This is right up my alley since I typically go to Saturday church, Sat small group, Sunday church, Sunday School, and a life group Sunday nights. In Peru, it was kids Sunday School first, then lunch, then church, then supper, and then church again. It was amazing to see folks worshiping God using simplicity. I have felt for a long time the American church is going overboard with their worship. We have lighting, the best soundboard ever, lighting effects, ear buds to count the beat so musicians and vocalists have a less chance of miscounting/errors, the more instruments the better, and we also better have the best perfect sounding vocalists ever, with an added bonus if they look good when they are on video! In Peru, there were squealing microphones, volumes set to max, people singing loudly off key and off beat, gestures and dances and clapping, and the song leader was almost always the pastor who preached....and it was the most beautiful worship time I think I have ever been a part of. My eyes are tearing up as I remember and long for those moments again where it wasn't about the best technical worship, but about the best worship you could offer God.
The first week, the clinics were Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Our team had two clinic sites each day and we were split among them plus a small team that led ESL in the schools with the kids. On Mon, Tues, and Wed, I served on the optical team. I learned what righteous indignation was like in the optical team. Basically, we used an instrument to have an idea where the person's prescription landed, went to the box for that, and found the top three pairs closest to that and gave it a go. There were many times after 30 minutes we still couldn't find a pair. I recall many times praying and getting frustrated. Suddenly, I would try the numbers in positive instead of negative or just grab a pair in a totally different box and give the pair of classes to the Peruvian who instantly would shout in amazement, "PERFECTO!!!" These were the miracles. The hard cases would be the ones who were horrible blind and we only could give them something that was better than nothing. They couldn't see perfectly, but they could see better. When we would explain this was the best we had, they would smile ear to ear and place them on and yell, "PERFECTO!" These were the heart-crushing moments. On the third day, I was angry. Optical ticked me off if I'm honest. In America, I have many friends who own 3, 4, 5 pairs of glasses not counting sunglasses. I know of folks who have dropped $500-1000 on just one pair of glasses. Here you go in, say if one or two is better, pick a frame you like, pick a fancy lens, and you got glasses either the same day or in a week--maybe two. In Peru, what we could give them was glasses you wouldn't have even considered wearing because the styles were so outdated. And we could only get a little bit close or just improve it for them. Without us, they couldn't see anything. I got angry because this is unjust and it hurt my heart to not be able to give them the best, like I can get in America. I was angry because I felt guilt, shame, regret, and a deep compassion to do the best for them. I had to learn that I was doing that. We were doing the best we could in that moment with what we had in another country that was poor. The miracles made it easier. There were other miracles too. One day, we were really struggling with our lack of Spanish and the Peruvians were looking at us like we were talking Greek when we tried to say a Spanish word here or there. No one seemed to understand us well. Just before lunch, this young college guy came in and responded to a couple questions in Spanish. Then, I tried to explain what to do and in perfect english he tells me exactly what I was asking. We all stopped and cheered for his perfect english. I teased him that after lunch, he had to come back and help interpret for us. At lunch, I prayed to God for "supernatural Spanish abilities" so that we could be easily understood and things would go smoother. We go back into the area to start and the young man was back! He said he had a college class to get to, but when he got to class the professor had a note on the door it was cancelled. He rushed back to the clinic because he wanted to help us interpret! I told him, "You are my answer to prayer! You are my miracle and my supernatural spanish ability!!" He smiled and laughed. Over the two weeks I was there, this young man name Erickson became a great friend!
On Thurs & Fri as week one only team members left and week two only team members arrived, us two week team members were able to rest up and get some much needed regrouping time. We restocked supplies as they arrived. Some went on a boat ride to some famous cliffs in Peru. I stayed back and rested instead. We had clinics again Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday with church again on Sunday. The second week, I was able to serve on the ESL in the schools team. We taught two english songs to the kids in Pre-k through 6th grade. The kids were super adorable and loved the attention we gave them. They would often come up to me and practice their english, so I would practice my spanish. It was adorable to hear my silly sounding spanish and their sweet english. They were amazed at how old I was and the little kids would call me the spanish equivalent of "fat girl" almost in a chant with a huge smile. It's a different culture for sure and lucky for them, they were really cute kids. Working in the schools was just a half day, so after lunch we would go to a satellite location where a clinic was being held and help where we could. The second week, the satellite clinics were all new places a clinic has never been held and were extremely poor areas. One area was a town that was built on top of the dump, so there were giant mounds of trash all around, at least every block and the roads were dirt. Another area, the homes had just woven bamboo walls and a few had woven bamboo roofs, most had no roofs at all. Electricity was the most basic and the lights would be one lightbulb in the ceiling with a pull switch if they had electricity at all. Plumbing was rare and most of the sites we were at had a hole in the ground for the bathroom, or we were walked to a neighbor's house. There were large numbers of kids and the child to parent ratios were way off. One site we were told the parents were working up in the mountains (we were at the foothills of the Andes) and the older children took care of their younger siblings. One little boy told me he was 11 and that his parents work in the mountains for 3 weeks and are just home for 1 week. He has 5 siblings he takes care of and this was a week his parents were working. One day I helped hand out cheaters in the optical. Another day I did the photo ministry with the kids. And another day, a large group of us just played with the large number of kids in the street who gathered. The children needed an adult who paid attention to them and they soaked up the love we had to give them like sponges.
For me, each Sunday I was invited to a local Peruvian church member's home for lunch. The first Sunday, I ate lunch at Wilma's home. She is a single mom with a little boy and a little girl comes over as like an adopted daughter because her mom is sick. I learned later, Wilma is a leader of a the local church and works at one of the schools with pre-k kids as a teacher. She is a sweet lady and became a great friend of mine the two weeks I was there. One thing that was such a blessing to me was Wilma had a verse on the wall about trusting God in all things and that He would provide. It really hit me how similar she and I were, both trusting God's provision for our daily lives. We were no different as sisters-in-Christ, even if she new little english and I knew little spanish. Her love and acceptance was the balm in Gilead for my heart--more on that later. The second Sunday, I was invited to have lunch with a man named Omar and his family--a wife and 5 girls ages 13-5 months old. I learned later that my friend Sonia (a local church leader I met the first day at the first clinic who is biligual) is Omar's brother! And their father was a Pastor of a church we served in Chincha Baja! The church in Chincha Baja was my favorite church we visited because of Sonia's and Omar's Grandma! Grandma gave the BEST hugs and cooked the BEST food and every meal at the church, including the meal I was blessed with at Omar's house was Lomo Saltado, the best Peruvian dish EVER! (I am craving it now as I type this and I am determined to get the spices needed to make it in America!) Sonia and I were able to connect multiple times and share our testimonies as well. I was thankful for her friendship, which ultimately led to us staying in touch on facebook as well.
All together we served 8400 people in our clinics in two weeks. I can't begin to describe what the lines looked like. I can't express the emotions when we shut the clinics down and people were still in line, begging to be seen. I can't describe seeing people trying to raid the boxes in the optical area hoping any pair of random glasses they grabbed would do better than nothing. I can't describe the crowds of children who arrived for the Cup of Milk ministry. At two Cup of Milk sites, we had more children arrive than the church expected. We had to pull the buns of bread in half. Each time, I asked God to multiply the bread like He did in the Bible with the fish and loaves. Each time, we had enough after every child got one half to give seconds and even some to adults present. The milk was a fortified warm milk. This meal was quite possibly the only hot meal many of the children would have all week.
There were other blessings from God that happened. Midway through week one, I realized I had no clue what a banana tree looked like and thought it would be cool to see one up close. I even asked God, "I would love to get my picture taken with a banana tree!" A few days later, at one of the poorest sites we served across the street from the clinic site was a banana tree! The little boy with 5 siblings excitedly took my picture with the banana tree. Then, returned after our lunch break with a fresh banana from his family's banana tree and insisted that I ate it right away because, "I wanted to bless you with your favorite banana because you are my favorite American!" Sweet little boy has no idea what a blessing he was to me and how God used him at 11 years old to touch my life. Another treasure were my roommates who were total strangers the first night and later became close friends. Kiki and Janine still are friends that I see weekly at church and am so thankful for. God used them to encourage me on the hard days, bring laughter through tears, and taught me how to sleep through snoring and roosters calling all night long. (I snore too, at least in Peru.)
All of these happenings brought forth profound lessons while in Peru. Some lessons I knew, but needed them cemented into my being. Other lessons were brand new and necessary if I'm to serve in ministry full-time as I plan to. They are as follows:
1) Miracles are for today. The gifts of the Holy Spirit are real and legit. Prophesy is still active today because God still has a message of love to bring to the world. I saw miracles happen daily. I heard of other team members experience miracles. And there were words and visions God gave me before the trip that came to pass over the two weeks I was there.
2) God loves unconditionally. Since I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional home, I have not had a lot of experience with unconditional love. The idea of God's unconditional love for me was something I believed, but never really could fully comprehend deep within my heart. Remember the healing balm of Gilead I spoke of earlier? The Peruvian church members and people were the healing balm of Gilead to my heart. They demonstrated for me the best example of God's unconditional love any human being ever could. I had deep wounds in my heart that needed this healing balm so badly and I didn't even know it. Isn't like God to take me out of my comfort zone in USA, to a country I have never been with people I can't even freely talk the same language to, and heal my deepest wounds and show me His unconditional love?! Wow!
3) People are people and they ALL matter to God. When I returned after my data-less life of two weeks, America was a pathetic example to the world. Families were ripped apart in the name of immigration laws and rights of Americans. And my own family was experiencing a great turmoil that ultimately led to me going no contact permanently with my parents due to safety reasons. I remember sitting in the airport in Lima finding out everything and being so angry I had to come back, so angry this was all happening, and tears were just falling like rain. The poorest people in Peru and we were only able to touch 8,400 people. It's a very small number when you consider the population as a whole. However, each 8,400 people mattered to God as much as me and my fellow Americans. I returned back to the USA with a new resolve to not forget this, regardless of popular political opinions and whatever cultural Christianity may appear to expect of me. I answer to God first and foremost. And I also saw how I mattered to God and was finally able to do what I was encouraged to do in 2008 by my therapist and go no contact with my parents. It took me 10 years of trying to make some sort of relationship possible, only to realize I matter to God as well and do not have to accept abuse in my life.
4) Strangers are the hardest and the best to serve God with. When I arrived, I "knew of" only 5 people on our team and one was my pastor. Everyone else were total strangers. It was really challenging at first because I had never been before and so many were returning to Peru again, so it was a bit intimidating. I really struggled with feeling like I was alone. I decided the first day I felt this that this was an opportunity to connect deeply with God. I pressed in and ended up encountering God in ways I hadn't in a very long time. From seeing prayers answered immediately, miracles, words of encouragement I was able to give to several of the pastors, to a watchman awakening in the early hours of the morning one day were I was able to intercede for Peru and end up committing to praying for the nation daily that it would encounter a spiritual revival and have a miraculous prosperity happen so quickly the rest of the world becomes amazed, to being able to pray for healings for people, to seeing 20 people come forward for an altar call to accept Christ/recommit to Him, and hear about healings and the 8 people who accepted Christ at a clinic I was not at. As the weeks went on, I learned things about myself and I learned things about others. I went in expecting to connect with certain people who, in two weeks, I barely interacted with at all. Instead, God ignited friendships that I didn't expect with people I didn't expect. There were two teen girls from another church who sought me out. We were able to bond closely and I was able to answer some questions for them about life as a woman, adulthood life, and relationships with guys. At one point, one of the girls said, "You know, this week you have been more of a mother to us than our own mother ever has been." The other followed with, "Yeah, I am really glad we came. I needed you." There were challenges with personalities, which exists in every environment where people are. I learned we all have weaknesses and strengths and what's most important in the body of Christ is to accept each other where we are at, not think we are better than everyone else, and be Jesus with skin on even to our brothers and sisters in Christ.
I am so thankful I went to Peru. It is not a trip I will ever forget. The sinus infection, respiratory infection, and bacterial gastroenteritis I got afterwards was completely overshadowed by the lessons I received while there and the chance to meet some of the most loving and beautiful people in the world.
The daily schedule was much more involved than I anticipated. When we arrived, we prepped supplies for the clinics and we had our first clinic day on Saturday--the NEXT day. It was quite overwhelming for me. The first clinic day, I served in a medical clinic at a satellite location. We were in a home that a family let the church leaders use because they knew the church was making a huge impact with their community and, even though the family does not yet know the Lord. A church leader there told me that they are hopeful God will win them over. The home had no electricity, no running water, and the location would be the nicest satellite location we would go to for the two weeks. There were a lot of colds and parasites at this location. My role was to hand out medicines as the doctor ordered. It was a task that melted my heart, wishing I could do more and give medicines for a year instead of a month. The Peruvian people were so thankful, so loving, and were eager to hug us and give us the "holy kiss" on each cheek.
Sundays were full of Jesus, worship, and church. This is right up my alley since I typically go to Saturday church, Sat small group, Sunday church, Sunday School, and a life group Sunday nights. In Peru, it was kids Sunday School first, then lunch, then church, then supper, and then church again. It was amazing to see folks worshiping God using simplicity. I have felt for a long time the American church is going overboard with their worship. We have lighting, the best soundboard ever, lighting effects, ear buds to count the beat so musicians and vocalists have a less chance of miscounting/errors, the more instruments the better, and we also better have the best perfect sounding vocalists ever, with an added bonus if they look good when they are on video! In Peru, there were squealing microphones, volumes set to max, people singing loudly off key and off beat, gestures and dances and clapping, and the song leader was almost always the pastor who preached....and it was the most beautiful worship time I think I have ever been a part of. My eyes are tearing up as I remember and long for those moments again where it wasn't about the best technical worship, but about the best worship you could offer God.
The first week, the clinics were Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Our team had two clinic sites each day and we were split among them plus a small team that led ESL in the schools with the kids. On Mon, Tues, and Wed, I served on the optical team. I learned what righteous indignation was like in the optical team. Basically, we used an instrument to have an idea where the person's prescription landed, went to the box for that, and found the top three pairs closest to that and gave it a go. There were many times after 30 minutes we still couldn't find a pair. I recall many times praying and getting frustrated. Suddenly, I would try the numbers in positive instead of negative or just grab a pair in a totally different box and give the pair of classes to the Peruvian who instantly would shout in amazement, "PERFECTO!!!" These were the miracles. The hard cases would be the ones who were horrible blind and we only could give them something that was better than nothing. They couldn't see perfectly, but they could see better. When we would explain this was the best we had, they would smile ear to ear and place them on and yell, "PERFECTO!" These were the heart-crushing moments. On the third day, I was angry. Optical ticked me off if I'm honest. In America, I have many friends who own 3, 4, 5 pairs of glasses not counting sunglasses. I know of folks who have dropped $500-1000 on just one pair of glasses. Here you go in, say if one or two is better, pick a frame you like, pick a fancy lens, and you got glasses either the same day or in a week--maybe two. In Peru, what we could give them was glasses you wouldn't have even considered wearing because the styles were so outdated. And we could only get a little bit close or just improve it for them. Without us, they couldn't see anything. I got angry because this is unjust and it hurt my heart to not be able to give them the best, like I can get in America. I was angry because I felt guilt, shame, regret, and a deep compassion to do the best for them. I had to learn that I was doing that. We were doing the best we could in that moment with what we had in another country that was poor. The miracles made it easier. There were other miracles too. One day, we were really struggling with our lack of Spanish and the Peruvians were looking at us like we were talking Greek when we tried to say a Spanish word here or there. No one seemed to understand us well. Just before lunch, this young college guy came in and responded to a couple questions in Spanish. Then, I tried to explain what to do and in perfect english he tells me exactly what I was asking. We all stopped and cheered for his perfect english. I teased him that after lunch, he had to come back and help interpret for us. At lunch, I prayed to God for "supernatural Spanish abilities" so that we could be easily understood and things would go smoother. We go back into the area to start and the young man was back! He said he had a college class to get to, but when he got to class the professor had a note on the door it was cancelled. He rushed back to the clinic because he wanted to help us interpret! I told him, "You are my answer to prayer! You are my miracle and my supernatural spanish ability!!" He smiled and laughed. Over the two weeks I was there, this young man name Erickson became a great friend!
On Thurs & Fri as week one only team members left and week two only team members arrived, us two week team members were able to rest up and get some much needed regrouping time. We restocked supplies as they arrived. Some went on a boat ride to some famous cliffs in Peru. I stayed back and rested instead. We had clinics again Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday with church again on Sunday. The second week, I was able to serve on the ESL in the schools team. We taught two english songs to the kids in Pre-k through 6th grade. The kids were super adorable and loved the attention we gave them. They would often come up to me and practice their english, so I would practice my spanish. It was adorable to hear my silly sounding spanish and their sweet english. They were amazed at how old I was and the little kids would call me the spanish equivalent of "fat girl" almost in a chant with a huge smile. It's a different culture for sure and lucky for them, they were really cute kids. Working in the schools was just a half day, so after lunch we would go to a satellite location where a clinic was being held and help where we could. The second week, the satellite clinics were all new places a clinic has never been held and were extremely poor areas. One area was a town that was built on top of the dump, so there were giant mounds of trash all around, at least every block and the roads were dirt. Another area, the homes had just woven bamboo walls and a few had woven bamboo roofs, most had no roofs at all. Electricity was the most basic and the lights would be one lightbulb in the ceiling with a pull switch if they had electricity at all. Plumbing was rare and most of the sites we were at had a hole in the ground for the bathroom, or we were walked to a neighbor's house. There were large numbers of kids and the child to parent ratios were way off. One site we were told the parents were working up in the mountains (we were at the foothills of the Andes) and the older children took care of their younger siblings. One little boy told me he was 11 and that his parents work in the mountains for 3 weeks and are just home for 1 week. He has 5 siblings he takes care of and this was a week his parents were working. One day I helped hand out cheaters in the optical. Another day I did the photo ministry with the kids. And another day, a large group of us just played with the large number of kids in the street who gathered. The children needed an adult who paid attention to them and they soaked up the love we had to give them like sponges.
For me, each Sunday I was invited to a local Peruvian church member's home for lunch. The first Sunday, I ate lunch at Wilma's home. She is a single mom with a little boy and a little girl comes over as like an adopted daughter because her mom is sick. I learned later, Wilma is a leader of a the local church and works at one of the schools with pre-k kids as a teacher. She is a sweet lady and became a great friend of mine the two weeks I was there. One thing that was such a blessing to me was Wilma had a verse on the wall about trusting God in all things and that He would provide. It really hit me how similar she and I were, both trusting God's provision for our daily lives. We were no different as sisters-in-Christ, even if she new little english and I knew little spanish. Her love and acceptance was the balm in Gilead for my heart--more on that later. The second Sunday, I was invited to have lunch with a man named Omar and his family--a wife and 5 girls ages 13-5 months old. I learned later that my friend Sonia (a local church leader I met the first day at the first clinic who is biligual) is Omar's brother! And their father was a Pastor of a church we served in Chincha Baja! The church in Chincha Baja was my favorite church we visited because of Sonia's and Omar's Grandma! Grandma gave the BEST hugs and cooked the BEST food and every meal at the church, including the meal I was blessed with at Omar's house was Lomo Saltado, the best Peruvian dish EVER! (I am craving it now as I type this and I am determined to get the spices needed to make it in America!) Sonia and I were able to connect multiple times and share our testimonies as well. I was thankful for her friendship, which ultimately led to us staying in touch on facebook as well.
All together we served 8400 people in our clinics in two weeks. I can't begin to describe what the lines looked like. I can't express the emotions when we shut the clinics down and people were still in line, begging to be seen. I can't describe seeing people trying to raid the boxes in the optical area hoping any pair of random glasses they grabbed would do better than nothing. I can't describe the crowds of children who arrived for the Cup of Milk ministry. At two Cup of Milk sites, we had more children arrive than the church expected. We had to pull the buns of bread in half. Each time, I asked God to multiply the bread like He did in the Bible with the fish and loaves. Each time, we had enough after every child got one half to give seconds and even some to adults present. The milk was a fortified warm milk. This meal was quite possibly the only hot meal many of the children would have all week.
There were other blessings from God that happened. Midway through week one, I realized I had no clue what a banana tree looked like and thought it would be cool to see one up close. I even asked God, "I would love to get my picture taken with a banana tree!" A few days later, at one of the poorest sites we served across the street from the clinic site was a banana tree! The little boy with 5 siblings excitedly took my picture with the banana tree. Then, returned after our lunch break with a fresh banana from his family's banana tree and insisted that I ate it right away because, "I wanted to bless you with your favorite banana because you are my favorite American!" Sweet little boy has no idea what a blessing he was to me and how God used him at 11 years old to touch my life. Another treasure were my roommates who were total strangers the first night and later became close friends. Kiki and Janine still are friends that I see weekly at church and am so thankful for. God used them to encourage me on the hard days, bring laughter through tears, and taught me how to sleep through snoring and roosters calling all night long. (I snore too, at least in Peru.)
All of these happenings brought forth profound lessons while in Peru. Some lessons I knew, but needed them cemented into my being. Other lessons were brand new and necessary if I'm to serve in ministry full-time as I plan to. They are as follows:
1) Miracles are for today. The gifts of the Holy Spirit are real and legit. Prophesy is still active today because God still has a message of love to bring to the world. I saw miracles happen daily. I heard of other team members experience miracles. And there were words and visions God gave me before the trip that came to pass over the two weeks I was there.
2) God loves unconditionally. Since I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional home, I have not had a lot of experience with unconditional love. The idea of God's unconditional love for me was something I believed, but never really could fully comprehend deep within my heart. Remember the healing balm of Gilead I spoke of earlier? The Peruvian church members and people were the healing balm of Gilead to my heart. They demonstrated for me the best example of God's unconditional love any human being ever could. I had deep wounds in my heart that needed this healing balm so badly and I didn't even know it. Isn't like God to take me out of my comfort zone in USA, to a country I have never been with people I can't even freely talk the same language to, and heal my deepest wounds and show me His unconditional love?! Wow!
3) People are people and they ALL matter to God. When I returned after my data-less life of two weeks, America was a pathetic example to the world. Families were ripped apart in the name of immigration laws and rights of Americans. And my own family was experiencing a great turmoil that ultimately led to me going no contact permanently with my parents due to safety reasons. I remember sitting in the airport in Lima finding out everything and being so angry I had to come back, so angry this was all happening, and tears were just falling like rain. The poorest people in Peru and we were only able to touch 8,400 people. It's a very small number when you consider the population as a whole. However, each 8,400 people mattered to God as much as me and my fellow Americans. I returned back to the USA with a new resolve to not forget this, regardless of popular political opinions and whatever cultural Christianity may appear to expect of me. I answer to God first and foremost. And I also saw how I mattered to God and was finally able to do what I was encouraged to do in 2008 by my therapist and go no contact with my parents. It took me 10 years of trying to make some sort of relationship possible, only to realize I matter to God as well and do not have to accept abuse in my life.
4) Strangers are the hardest and the best to serve God with. When I arrived, I "knew of" only 5 people on our team and one was my pastor. Everyone else were total strangers. It was really challenging at first because I had never been before and so many were returning to Peru again, so it was a bit intimidating. I really struggled with feeling like I was alone. I decided the first day I felt this that this was an opportunity to connect deeply with God. I pressed in and ended up encountering God in ways I hadn't in a very long time. From seeing prayers answered immediately, miracles, words of encouragement I was able to give to several of the pastors, to a watchman awakening in the early hours of the morning one day were I was able to intercede for Peru and end up committing to praying for the nation daily that it would encounter a spiritual revival and have a miraculous prosperity happen so quickly the rest of the world becomes amazed, to being able to pray for healings for people, to seeing 20 people come forward for an altar call to accept Christ/recommit to Him, and hear about healings and the 8 people who accepted Christ at a clinic I was not at. As the weeks went on, I learned things about myself and I learned things about others. I went in expecting to connect with certain people who, in two weeks, I barely interacted with at all. Instead, God ignited friendships that I didn't expect with people I didn't expect. There were two teen girls from another church who sought me out. We were able to bond closely and I was able to answer some questions for them about life as a woman, adulthood life, and relationships with guys. At one point, one of the girls said, "You know, this week you have been more of a mother to us than our own mother ever has been." The other followed with, "Yeah, I am really glad we came. I needed you." There were challenges with personalities, which exists in every environment where people are. I learned we all have weaknesses and strengths and what's most important in the body of Christ is to accept each other where we are at, not think we are better than everyone else, and be Jesus with skin on even to our brothers and sisters in Christ.
I am so thankful I went to Peru. It is not a trip I will ever forget. The sinus infection, respiratory infection, and bacterial gastroenteritis I got afterwards was completely overshadowed by the lessons I received while there and the chance to meet some of the most loving and beautiful people in the world.
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Go
A year and a half ago, I learned about my church's heart for Peru. I listened in church as they shared something and immediately, my heart stirred to go. For one, I was drawn by the fact that they were not going there to Americanize the people, or even just share the gospel and leave. The church was invested there, tangibly impacting their lives in practical ways, and showing the love of Jesus as they preached. It was amazing to me they had gone to this area for 15 years straight, to share Jesus and show people how God loved them by building a school, helping them with farming, and building a church building, starting a ministry providing meals, and making a difference in the lives of the region. I prayed about it and immediately God said, "This is not the time." And I let my pastor know to put me on the list for next year. Little did I know that meant getting emails about Peru all throughout the year along with testimonies of what happened there. When January came to sign up for the trip in June 2018, I was ready.
It took me four attempts to get a passport ever since 2008. This time it finally arrived in 4 weeks--2 weeks sooner than I was told. I supposed I had donated enough fees that it bought me two free weeks. Support raising was interesting to me in that God connected me with people who were willing to support my trip and the process went smoothly. When it came down to getting everything I need for the trip, again God was faithful and provided exactly what I needed from borrowing suitcases to getting a great deal on sunblock.
As I have been prayerfully preparing my heart for Peru, I have been struck by how much I take for granted. Maybe it is because I have spent the last 4 days packing, moving, and cleaning, but I don't have a lot of things and yet, I have a lot of things. I found myself asking, "Do I really need that?" I even asked myself, "What if I only had one paint brush and one color of paint?" God's reminded me of how blessed I am. I am going to an area where the people do not have much and maybe do not even realize what they do not have. Water is held in a cistern at the church for example. When we moved to our house in 6th grade, where my parents still live, there was a cistern that the rain water was connected too. It blew my mind that this was their method for water sources. Plumbing pipes are a lot narrower, so we have to toss toilet paper in the trash. The water is very unsafe, so we have to make sure not to drink anything, use it on our toothbrush, or even keep our face out of it in the shower. Then, I learned we will have clinics in areas where there's no plumbing. Bathrooms are a squatty potty system above a hole in the ground. I immediately started working on my squats, which outside of a pool are still pretty pathetic. I even get to help people see with glasses in the optical clinic, something so simple but so life-changing.
Our pastor talked about how we are partnering with a church there. It struck me about what a privilege it is to be invited by the church to come and serve in such a way. I'm not coming with anything to offer but Jesus and His love. I don't have any other agenda. We were also asked to start thinking about our testimony as the why we chose to spend time in Peru. Why? For me, I would rather spend time helping others and showing them the love of God than going on a vacation in the USA. My calling is to serve God, preach the Gospel, and inspire others to sojourn forward on their faith journeys. What a perfect way to step into my calling by serving people in Chincha!
I believe the command by Jesus in Matthew 28:19-20 was not optional for a Christian. "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you." There's no option to opt out, just like there's no qualifier for the location which you're to go. What I mean is, we were not given a choice to not go, just like we were not restricted to where we were to be going--we were told to go to make disciples of all nations. Some misuse this verse so much and it hurts my heart. I have even seen folks restrict themselves on the places they should go based on statistics of reached or unreached countries. God's placed it on my heart since high school to just go when He calls and be obedient to this command, don't complicate it or find excuses not to go.
I leave in three days and I'm excited, but I don't think the reality that I am actually leaving the USA for the first time ever has really hit me yet. It started to when I got my antibiotic prescription in the mail last week, just in case I get sick. It also started to when I realized the temps are 50s-70s! God is so kind that my first trip overseas has no jet leg and no extreme heat, unlike my present life in Texas with highs in the 90-100s! I also started realizing the reality after I finished packing last night. I am so excited to experience another country, another culture, and meet people I would normally never encounter.
If you're reading this please pray for our team of 90+. We are doing medical, optical, and dental clinics, ESL in a school, and construction. We leave June 7 and return June 22. Pray for supernatural core and leg strength for the squatty potty (yes, legit request), no adverse health issues, and for safety. Pray for the people we encounter to have needs met and a soft heart towards us. And pray we would all be loving to those we encounter and with each other, reflecting only the best parts of ourselves and God. We will travel Thurs, June 7 from 130p leaving Waco and arrive in Peru around 12pm or so on Friday, June 8. Right away we will have a day of reception at the church and getting settled in. Saturday is a time with getting familiar with the area and our surroundings at the church and some team time from what I understand. Sunday is church day, which is literally multiple services throughout the day. Then Mon-Wed will be my optical clinic days both weeks. In the evenings on Mon-Thurs, we will return to the church and spend time doing the Cup of Milk ministry with the kids in the area, providing them loving connection and supper. Thurs and Friday each week will be our tourist days in Lima, which is the capital of Peru and where we fly into. The airport is about a 6 hour bus ride to the church in Chincha, so there's a lot of travel. We say overnight at a hotel and will get a solid day of just enjoying Lima. Then, those leaving after the first week will leave Friday, June 15. I am a part of the two week team, so I will be rejoining the team at the church and reconnecting, then repeating the same schedule. My return flight is on Friday, June 22, but I do not believe we are actually back until Saturday, June 23 as the flight from Lima to Dallas is about 8 hours. Your prayers are so welcome.
It took me four attempts to get a passport ever since 2008. This time it finally arrived in 4 weeks--2 weeks sooner than I was told. I supposed I had donated enough fees that it bought me two free weeks. Support raising was interesting to me in that God connected me with people who were willing to support my trip and the process went smoothly. When it came down to getting everything I need for the trip, again God was faithful and provided exactly what I needed from borrowing suitcases to getting a great deal on sunblock.
As I have been prayerfully preparing my heart for Peru, I have been struck by how much I take for granted. Maybe it is because I have spent the last 4 days packing, moving, and cleaning, but I don't have a lot of things and yet, I have a lot of things. I found myself asking, "Do I really need that?" I even asked myself, "What if I only had one paint brush and one color of paint?" God's reminded me of how blessed I am. I am going to an area where the people do not have much and maybe do not even realize what they do not have. Water is held in a cistern at the church for example. When we moved to our house in 6th grade, where my parents still live, there was a cistern that the rain water was connected too. It blew my mind that this was their method for water sources. Plumbing pipes are a lot narrower, so we have to toss toilet paper in the trash. The water is very unsafe, so we have to make sure not to drink anything, use it on our toothbrush, or even keep our face out of it in the shower. Then, I learned we will have clinics in areas where there's no plumbing. Bathrooms are a squatty potty system above a hole in the ground. I immediately started working on my squats, which outside of a pool are still pretty pathetic. I even get to help people see with glasses in the optical clinic, something so simple but so life-changing.
Our pastor talked about how we are partnering with a church there. It struck me about what a privilege it is to be invited by the church to come and serve in such a way. I'm not coming with anything to offer but Jesus and His love. I don't have any other agenda. We were also asked to start thinking about our testimony as the why we chose to spend time in Peru. Why? For me, I would rather spend time helping others and showing them the love of God than going on a vacation in the USA. My calling is to serve God, preach the Gospel, and inspire others to sojourn forward on their faith journeys. What a perfect way to step into my calling by serving people in Chincha!
I believe the command by Jesus in Matthew 28:19-20 was not optional for a Christian. "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you." There's no option to opt out, just like there's no qualifier for the location which you're to go. What I mean is, we were not given a choice to not go, just like we were not restricted to where we were to be going--we were told to go to make disciples of all nations. Some misuse this verse so much and it hurts my heart. I have even seen folks restrict themselves on the places they should go based on statistics of reached or unreached countries. God's placed it on my heart since high school to just go when He calls and be obedient to this command, don't complicate it or find excuses not to go.
I leave in three days and I'm excited, but I don't think the reality that I am actually leaving the USA for the first time ever has really hit me yet. It started to when I got my antibiotic prescription in the mail last week, just in case I get sick. It also started to when I realized the temps are 50s-70s! God is so kind that my first trip overseas has no jet leg and no extreme heat, unlike my present life in Texas with highs in the 90-100s! I also started realizing the reality after I finished packing last night. I am so excited to experience another country, another culture, and meet people I would normally never encounter.
If you're reading this please pray for our team of 90+. We are doing medical, optical, and dental clinics, ESL in a school, and construction. We leave June 7 and return June 22. Pray for supernatural core and leg strength for the squatty potty (yes, legit request), no adverse health issues, and for safety. Pray for the people we encounter to have needs met and a soft heart towards us. And pray we would all be loving to those we encounter and with each other, reflecting only the best parts of ourselves and God. We will travel Thurs, June 7 from 130p leaving Waco and arrive in Peru around 12pm or so on Friday, June 8. Right away we will have a day of reception at the church and getting settled in. Saturday is a time with getting familiar with the area and our surroundings at the church and some team time from what I understand. Sunday is church day, which is literally multiple services throughout the day. Then Mon-Wed will be my optical clinic days both weeks. In the evenings on Mon-Thurs, we will return to the church and spend time doing the Cup of Milk ministry with the kids in the area, providing them loving connection and supper. Thurs and Friday each week will be our tourist days in Lima, which is the capital of Peru and where we fly into. The airport is about a 6 hour bus ride to the church in Chincha, so there's a lot of travel. We say overnight at a hotel and will get a solid day of just enjoying Lima. Then, those leaving after the first week will leave Friday, June 15. I am a part of the two week team, so I will be rejoining the team at the church and reconnecting, then repeating the same schedule. My return flight is on Friday, June 22, but I do not believe we are actually back until Saturday, June 23 as the flight from Lima to Dallas is about 8 hours. Your prayers are so welcome.
Sunday, May 13, 2018
Trusting God In All Things
I haven't posted in quite a few months. I haven't really even written in my journal very much to be honest. There's been so much that's happened already this year that I'm exhausted immediately when I realize it is just May!
In my last post, I discussed my word for 2018: Trust. When God gave me this word for the year, I thought I would be given reminders of how He is trustworthy. I expected the warm, fuzzy feelings that you get when you think of God loving you, God having your back, and God caring about you. I didn't expect actual opportunities to test me in my trust of God, nor did I expect life on earth to feel challenging, and I certainly didn't expect to have contradicting feelings come while I was solid spiritually.
The year started with a major health event. I had a ton of symptoms and was in agonizing pain, so I finally when to a specialist. Lots of blood work, expensive testings, a procedure, and finally I was given a clear diagnosis. I have PCOS and it wasn't treated properly for probably a solid decade, so my body was revolting. The first three months were the hardest months I have had in quite a long time, but I knew God was trustworthy and that, no matter the outcome of all the tests, He was still good. He isn't just good when I feel great, but even when life, health, and major decisions of your future could be permanently impacted in ways that you never expected. I was surrounded by others who trusted the same God I did and it felt amazing to have support, help, and so much prayer from people who I know believe God is trustworthy as well. This helped tremendously because, in the moments of fear, anxiety, and doubt, I had a tribe standing in the gaps where I lacked. Looking back, God used this period to show me that I can trust Him to provide support for me when I would normally have no one. I was reminded once again how important it is to be a part of a church in such a way that you're known, loved, and people can surround you when you need them too. I'm still recovering from everything because my labs are not quite where they need to be, but are improving. I joke with friends that I have this exhaustion fog that follows me all day, but in a few months that's supposed to improve.
I have had plenty of opportunities to advocate for myself this year as well. For many, this is an easy thing to do, but as a person with a trauma history every single chance to advocate for myself is utterly terrifying. I had several situations occur that were not okay on any level and I had to stand up for what was right. I had to make a choice to use my voice to protect others, defend myself, and ensure situations didn't get repeated. There was a solid month where I kept telling myself, "You don't have to do this alone. God is trustworthy and goes before you." I would recite this mantra aloud, or in my head during moments of anxiety, fear, or the middle of the night when I woke up in bed and thought "Oh my gosh, what the heck did I do?!" Here I was strong in my faith in God, but my human nature was almost equally strong in fearing the circumstances and outcomes. When Paul talks about the flesh and how he "does what he doesn't want to do, but knows what he should do," I almost always think of my anxiety. "Do not be anxious for anything . . . " a command many are quick to recite, but to trust God is going before you and "working all things for your good and His glory" while being anxious is a war of the flesh and spirit. It's made me thankful to know God knows my heart and knows while I may have bouts of anxiety, they are not because I'm doubting Him, or lacking in my faith. I have actually had moments of anxiety that matched the depth of faith I have with God; as much as I trust Him deeply, I was reciting scripture and listening to music to calm myself. For me, anxiety comes in seasons of uncertainty about security. God has shown me as I trust Him, I need to learn to be dependent upon Him for my security and nothing else of this world. This is not an easy lesson, but it's been the most impactful one I have ever had. God's also shown me that in my strongest moments of anxiety, it's not up to my strength to not be anxious for anything. The command is not one He's given without a method and solution. The rest of the verse says, " . . . but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Philippians 4:6) God's shown me that this verse shows He knew ahead of time I would be anxious and He gave me a solution to help it go away: I just need to trust Him, pray, give Him the list of the things keeping me up at night, practice thankfulness, and present it all to Him. God knows it's hard on this earth, but He has great mercy and love so much that He provides a way for us to follow through. This is what I have been doing in my moments of anxiety now. Sometimes the anxiety is gone immediately, other times it lessons, and other times I chose to live in the knowledge that God is trustworthy even if the anxiety does not completely leave. One thing that God's shown me, He loves me and knows my heart, so I don't have to live in shame, doubt, or guilt that anxiety is a struggle of mine. God's love for me is fully complete even though He knows anxiety is here sometimes. I humbly submit this to you, the reader, whether you also have anxiety, or come in contact with those who do. Remember, our struggles do not lessen God's love for us and the command in Philippians is one to be read, "When/if you have anxiety don't let it consume you and overtake you, but give your worries to God and let Him take care of you!" At least, this is what the Father Heart of God has shown me and I humbly submit it to you for consideration.
Lastly, my next leg of my Abraham Journey is nearing. Trust felt like a perfect word for the year because I knew ahead of time this was the year the next leg of my journey would happen. On paper, everything sounds crazy, overwhelming, and maybe even impossible. There's a lot still unknown and I have even had people point this out to me, as though I don't know myself. And I have had others comment about not having a plan of action. What few people realize is that when this Abraham Journey started, it first started with a command and a vague idea of places I would be going. I didn't know immediately it would be Texas, Waco, or even that I'd be leaving Minnesota! And God's continued to be "the lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path," meaning that He may tell me the next leg of the journey, but He only lights my feet. There's a clear direction, which is college, but there's only the light on the feet in front of me. He doesn't give me a 12 step plan to follow, but this is how I know this is God working. If it were me, I would have a whole year planned out and clear steps marked along the way. God's never called me on my Abraham Journey that way, but He never called Abe that way either. He told Abe, "go to the land I will show you." And this is why I call this my Abraham Journey! I know others may not go about their life like this journey, but you do you. I love seeing where God takes my friends and family. I celebrate their journey and I would hope I have friends who will celebrate mine in return. Right now, after my lease is up June 2, I don't yet know where I will live. I have 3-6 months potentially for college to happen, depending on finances and one last bill. And yet God says, "Trust me to work this out." Already, the last bill has gone from $7900 to $2700 due to billing errors being discovered. And during this uncertainty, I'm going on my first overseas trip to Peru for two weeks starting June 7. What's amazing to me is that when we realize God is calling us to do something, we have a choice to follow through or not. We don't get to say to Him "Okay sure, but only if you tell me all the details, plans, and it all works out like a well-oiled machine." And, for those whose life always operates like a well-oiled machine, I challenge you to surrender control to God and go on an adventure with Him at least twice a year that is not completely planned, has no itinerary, and you have never been there before. When God takes you somewhere, you can't trust Him without surrendering your control. For me, this has always meant not having a clear itinerary for the journey, as much as my personality would love one. When I worked with youth ministry, I would tell my youth pastors, "Hey, I would like an itinerary just so I have an idea what's next. You can change it all and I can easily adapt with that, but if I just have a vague idea of what could be next, that would rock!" I'm thankful for the one youth pastor who didn't do itineraries because it taught me how to surrender control. And now, I have an idea of what's ahead and I trust God to work it out. I know He wouldn't call me to Texas three years ago to just end up homeless. I can trust Him and when He tells me, "Go to the land I will show you," I am able to drop it all and go, not matter if I got it all figured out.
Trusting God in all things has not been easy so far this year. Remembering He is a trustworthy God has been.
In my last post, I discussed my word for 2018: Trust. When God gave me this word for the year, I thought I would be given reminders of how He is trustworthy. I expected the warm, fuzzy feelings that you get when you think of God loving you, God having your back, and God caring about you. I didn't expect actual opportunities to test me in my trust of God, nor did I expect life on earth to feel challenging, and I certainly didn't expect to have contradicting feelings come while I was solid spiritually.
The year started with a major health event. I had a ton of symptoms and was in agonizing pain, so I finally when to a specialist. Lots of blood work, expensive testings, a procedure, and finally I was given a clear diagnosis. I have PCOS and it wasn't treated properly for probably a solid decade, so my body was revolting. The first three months were the hardest months I have had in quite a long time, but I knew God was trustworthy and that, no matter the outcome of all the tests, He was still good. He isn't just good when I feel great, but even when life, health, and major decisions of your future could be permanently impacted in ways that you never expected. I was surrounded by others who trusted the same God I did and it felt amazing to have support, help, and so much prayer from people who I know believe God is trustworthy as well. This helped tremendously because, in the moments of fear, anxiety, and doubt, I had a tribe standing in the gaps where I lacked. Looking back, God used this period to show me that I can trust Him to provide support for me when I would normally have no one. I was reminded once again how important it is to be a part of a church in such a way that you're known, loved, and people can surround you when you need them too. I'm still recovering from everything because my labs are not quite where they need to be, but are improving. I joke with friends that I have this exhaustion fog that follows me all day, but in a few months that's supposed to improve.
I have had plenty of opportunities to advocate for myself this year as well. For many, this is an easy thing to do, but as a person with a trauma history every single chance to advocate for myself is utterly terrifying. I had several situations occur that were not okay on any level and I had to stand up for what was right. I had to make a choice to use my voice to protect others, defend myself, and ensure situations didn't get repeated. There was a solid month where I kept telling myself, "You don't have to do this alone. God is trustworthy and goes before you." I would recite this mantra aloud, or in my head during moments of anxiety, fear, or the middle of the night when I woke up in bed and thought "Oh my gosh, what the heck did I do?!" Here I was strong in my faith in God, but my human nature was almost equally strong in fearing the circumstances and outcomes. When Paul talks about the flesh and how he "does what he doesn't want to do, but knows what he should do," I almost always think of my anxiety. "Do not be anxious for anything . . . " a command many are quick to recite, but to trust God is going before you and "working all things for your good and His glory" while being anxious is a war of the flesh and spirit. It's made me thankful to know God knows my heart and knows while I may have bouts of anxiety, they are not because I'm doubting Him, or lacking in my faith. I have actually had moments of anxiety that matched the depth of faith I have with God; as much as I trust Him deeply, I was reciting scripture and listening to music to calm myself. For me, anxiety comes in seasons of uncertainty about security. God has shown me as I trust Him, I need to learn to be dependent upon Him for my security and nothing else of this world. This is not an easy lesson, but it's been the most impactful one I have ever had. God's also shown me that in my strongest moments of anxiety, it's not up to my strength to not be anxious for anything. The command is not one He's given without a method and solution. The rest of the verse says, " . . . but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Philippians 4:6) God's shown me that this verse shows He knew ahead of time I would be anxious and He gave me a solution to help it go away: I just need to trust Him, pray, give Him the list of the things keeping me up at night, practice thankfulness, and present it all to Him. God knows it's hard on this earth, but He has great mercy and love so much that He provides a way for us to follow through. This is what I have been doing in my moments of anxiety now. Sometimes the anxiety is gone immediately, other times it lessons, and other times I chose to live in the knowledge that God is trustworthy even if the anxiety does not completely leave. One thing that God's shown me, He loves me and knows my heart, so I don't have to live in shame, doubt, or guilt that anxiety is a struggle of mine. God's love for me is fully complete even though He knows anxiety is here sometimes. I humbly submit this to you, the reader, whether you also have anxiety, or come in contact with those who do. Remember, our struggles do not lessen God's love for us and the command in Philippians is one to be read, "When/if you have anxiety don't let it consume you and overtake you, but give your worries to God and let Him take care of you!" At least, this is what the Father Heart of God has shown me and I humbly submit it to you for consideration.
Lastly, my next leg of my Abraham Journey is nearing. Trust felt like a perfect word for the year because I knew ahead of time this was the year the next leg of my journey would happen. On paper, everything sounds crazy, overwhelming, and maybe even impossible. There's a lot still unknown and I have even had people point this out to me, as though I don't know myself. And I have had others comment about not having a plan of action. What few people realize is that when this Abraham Journey started, it first started with a command and a vague idea of places I would be going. I didn't know immediately it would be Texas, Waco, or even that I'd be leaving Minnesota! And God's continued to be "the lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path," meaning that He may tell me the next leg of the journey, but He only lights my feet. There's a clear direction, which is college, but there's only the light on the feet in front of me. He doesn't give me a 12 step plan to follow, but this is how I know this is God working. If it were me, I would have a whole year planned out and clear steps marked along the way. God's never called me on my Abraham Journey that way, but He never called Abe that way either. He told Abe, "go to the land I will show you." And this is why I call this my Abraham Journey! I know others may not go about their life like this journey, but you do you. I love seeing where God takes my friends and family. I celebrate their journey and I would hope I have friends who will celebrate mine in return. Right now, after my lease is up June 2, I don't yet know where I will live. I have 3-6 months potentially for college to happen, depending on finances and one last bill. And yet God says, "Trust me to work this out." Already, the last bill has gone from $7900 to $2700 due to billing errors being discovered. And during this uncertainty, I'm going on my first overseas trip to Peru for two weeks starting June 7. What's amazing to me is that when we realize God is calling us to do something, we have a choice to follow through or not. We don't get to say to Him "Okay sure, but only if you tell me all the details, plans, and it all works out like a well-oiled machine." And, for those whose life always operates like a well-oiled machine, I challenge you to surrender control to God and go on an adventure with Him at least twice a year that is not completely planned, has no itinerary, and you have never been there before. When God takes you somewhere, you can't trust Him without surrendering your control. For me, this has always meant not having a clear itinerary for the journey, as much as my personality would love one. When I worked with youth ministry, I would tell my youth pastors, "Hey, I would like an itinerary just so I have an idea what's next. You can change it all and I can easily adapt with that, but if I just have a vague idea of what could be next, that would rock!" I'm thankful for the one youth pastor who didn't do itineraries because it taught me how to surrender control. And now, I have an idea of what's ahead and I trust God to work it out. I know He wouldn't call me to Texas three years ago to just end up homeless. I can trust Him and when He tells me, "Go to the land I will show you," I am able to drop it all and go, not matter if I got it all figured out.
Trusting God in all things has not been easy so far this year. Remembering He is a trustworthy God has been.
Tuesday, February 6, 2018
2018: Trust
After going through my process I explained in my previous post, God brought me to the word for 2018: Trust.
This year will be a year of changes and I am believing for a new leg on my Abraham Journey that would mean moving to a new Texas town and finally starting to complete my college degree. There's a lot that has to happen to get to that point and I'm trying not to look at my checklist. Last year, God helped me work on "believe" and now, I can believe for a lot of things. I just don't always trust Him to work them out. I find myself trying to help God, but end up making it worse or the process takes a lot longer than it probably would have if I just waited and trusted.
So far, this year is not without its attacks from Satan either. I heard someone say once that as soon as you make a declaration of intent to go into ministry, Satan will seek you out all the more. The college plan is actually a two-fold plan of hands-on ministry along with college! When I graduate, I will not only end up with my bachelor's, but also a few years experience serving a church in the area I believe I'm called to do for my vocation. My health is having an attack right now, but I'm forging ahead and Trusting the unchanging God and believing His promises for my future. No matter what happens with my health, I know I can Trust the Great Physician to work things out. I also know who wins in the end and it is not Satan.
There's a lot a plan to serve God this summer, which I'm very excited to share about! I'll share about it in my next post, but I am believing for God to work all things out for this amazing opportunity. I also want to be more intentional to share my faith and not just hold it in. This year already, I have had a chance to do so in surprising ways. It's been refreshing to offer to pray for someone, or just share a word of knowledge with a stranger and they say, "Wow. How did you know that? God said that? Really? He sees me?" It's an amazing thing to be able to show people that God sees them, even if they don't yet trust Him with their lives.
I have to trust God to do certain steps in order for the future to happen. I don't know how He will work things out, but I do know that He will make it happen. I have decided to stop buying "all the things" now that February came and only use my money on what I need. Craft supplies, stuff, clothes, etc are NOT in that "need" category. Instead, groceries, bills, etc will be the only expenses. I'm not a spender, but I'm not a saver either. This isn't even about saving, but about making sure God is guiding where I put my money, not me. It's easy for me to make decisions without acknowledging Him and asking Him, but I need to change that habit if I'm going to be an effective spiritual leader.
Lastly, I need to Trust the Word. And I have decided I needed accountability to read the Word daily. I was asking God in December for who to ask accountability for and He told me to ask my top favorite facebook groups for accountability. Well, doing so led to a facebook group that is about 300 people right now. Our only goal is to read the Word of God daily and follow our reading plans. I have had to adjust my expectations for myself a few times, but I can say I have been in the Word more than any other year already. I'm thankful for our little group as God has really united us and brought us close together.
Trust. 2018 will be an amazing year because I will learn to trust the God of the universe more than I have before.
This year will be a year of changes and I am believing for a new leg on my Abraham Journey that would mean moving to a new Texas town and finally starting to complete my college degree. There's a lot that has to happen to get to that point and I'm trying not to look at my checklist. Last year, God helped me work on "believe" and now, I can believe for a lot of things. I just don't always trust Him to work them out. I find myself trying to help God, but end up making it worse or the process takes a lot longer than it probably would have if I just waited and trusted.
So far, this year is not without its attacks from Satan either. I heard someone say once that as soon as you make a declaration of intent to go into ministry, Satan will seek you out all the more. The college plan is actually a two-fold plan of hands-on ministry along with college! When I graduate, I will not only end up with my bachelor's, but also a few years experience serving a church in the area I believe I'm called to do for my vocation. My health is having an attack right now, but I'm forging ahead and Trusting the unchanging God and believing His promises for my future. No matter what happens with my health, I know I can Trust the Great Physician to work things out. I also know who wins in the end and it is not Satan.
There's a lot a plan to serve God this summer, which I'm very excited to share about! I'll share about it in my next post, but I am believing for God to work all things out for this amazing opportunity. I also want to be more intentional to share my faith and not just hold it in. This year already, I have had a chance to do so in surprising ways. It's been refreshing to offer to pray for someone, or just share a word of knowledge with a stranger and they say, "Wow. How did you know that? God said that? Really? He sees me?" It's an amazing thing to be able to show people that God sees them, even if they don't yet trust Him with their lives.
I have to trust God to do certain steps in order for the future to happen. I don't know how He will work things out, but I do know that He will make it happen. I have decided to stop buying "all the things" now that February came and only use my money on what I need. Craft supplies, stuff, clothes, etc are NOT in that "need" category. Instead, groceries, bills, etc will be the only expenses. I'm not a spender, but I'm not a saver either. This isn't even about saving, but about making sure God is guiding where I put my money, not me. It's easy for me to make decisions without acknowledging Him and asking Him, but I need to change that habit if I'm going to be an effective spiritual leader.
Lastly, I need to Trust the Word. And I have decided I needed accountability to read the Word daily. I was asking God in December for who to ask accountability for and He told me to ask my top favorite facebook groups for accountability. Well, doing so led to a facebook group that is about 300 people right now. Our only goal is to read the Word of God daily and follow our reading plans. I have had to adjust my expectations for myself a few times, but I can say I have been in the Word more than any other year already. I'm thankful for our little group as God has really united us and brought us close together.
Trust. 2018 will be an amazing year because I will learn to trust the God of the universe more than I have before.
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