Resisting Apathy

I can be very passionate about things. Using the R word will make me go off on you and rant about every person having value. Make a joke about schizophrenia, bipolar, or any other mental illness and I will go into another rant and correct your ignorant ways. Spend time talking about the Bible, about cats, or even about art and we will talk for hours. I have it in me to care, but sometimes I just don't.

I tend to not care about me the most. I am not sure when it started and I don't know that it is something to be proud of, and I am not saying this pridefully. In Christian circles you hear our focus should be Jesus-Others-You and you have JOY. I'm saying mine is more Jesus-Others-Your momma-Your wants-Your needs-and-You. Never once have I ever recognized that you is supposed to be me. I am so dead last in my radar that things get compromised. 

Recently, my T and I talked about how as I enter the world of feeling and dealing with emotions, I have this desire to sleep them off and not engage them. I told her, "I know that's not the answer. I want to engage with life." And I remembered later, the prayer I had once that I would be someone who resists apathy....that's it!!! The light bulb went off in my mind.

How do I resist something I have done my whole life? I am still not sure, but I have made a few small changes that I hope in the course of a year will make a difference. They are the following:

1) Make an effort to food journal daily. This is just so I know what I am eating and also ensure I get my 3 meals and 3 snacks in. Maybe then I can avoid the old ways of eating mindlessly.

2) I also need to use my planner. I forget stuff all the time since my car accident...bills, dr appointments, and meeting someone. This will hopefully make me more intentional and have a better follow through rate.

3) Complete my activities of daily living every day. ADLs are routine tasks you do every day. Most people don't have to think about them. I do. I have to decide some days to get out of bed for example.

These are just small ways I want to not be apathetic. I would love to wake up and be just as passionate about budgeting as I am about being crafty. It isn't gonna happen. But at least I can care a little more than I normally would about my life and myself and my welfare.

Logos365 2015: Complete

I started 2015 with my Logos365 word from www.his-kingdom-come.com and it was an amazing journey. I wanted to take the time to reflect upon my Logos365 word for 2015, along with my year. My word was complete.

I can honestly say I don't have any disappointments with my year. I have never been able to say that before, but I think it's an accomplishment to look back at an entire year without regrets.

2015 was the first year in my entire life I can say I lived an entire year binge free and in the recovered/relapse prevention stage of my eating disorder. It is also the first year that I lost weight overall since my treatment journey began. This is very encouraging to be and serves as a symbol of overcoming one of the hardest things I have ever had to overcome in my life.

I don't know that I really excelled in many areas last year. I started out with a lot of expectations, but in the end I think I excelled in areas that mattered the most. I have revamped my personal prayer journal binder, completely updated with current pictures of my family members that I pray for. I also can say I have grown deeply in my walk with God. I didn't expect for such a depth in my faith and didn't expect to understand in one year the concept of being "completely connected to God" in such away that I breathe it in and exhale it every day.

I did have some failings this year. I didn't completely follow through on my letter writing goals. I really struggle with follow through on letters. I have an insane habit of writing them, but never sending them. Sometimes I even think I sent them in, only to find them months later. I even attempted to have a pen pal, but failed to write her a single letter. Maybe I can complete that this year?

God led me to my word, complete. I believed this was the year of completion for me, and it truly was in many areas. I was able to completely set boundaries with some toxic people in my life and actually follow through. I was able to be completely convicted with my personal ethics and values when a job I was working for compromised them and I quit. I also was able to be completely surrendered to my move to Texas, even if I miss Minnesota so much. Above all, I feel like PTSD recovery is truly complete. I also find my struggle with depression, that I have had since 6th grade, is also complete. God did so much work in me and through me in each of the completed areas.

When I think about who I was pre-2015, I can't recognize myself in the mirror. I was so confused, so afraid, and so depressed. Now, I can look back at that Emily and smile. I have grown so much and evolved into someone I am starting to love.


When I think about an entire year devoted to one word developing and shaping you, it sounds really crazy. However, this has been a transformational year for me. I never expected one year to bring so much clarity, growth, focus, and vision to my life. I can say I am proud of my 2015 self and all that she overcame.

One way that God used my word in my every day life was to give me encouragement from an Elder of my church who said, "This is the year of complete healing for you. God is finishing the work He started." It was such a defining moment for me, such an amazing revelation of my word colliding with my deepest need in life. I have held onto that word on the tough days when I feel like I'm paralyzed, snuggled up in my fuzzy blanket, crying my eyes out. It's got me through so much!

Here's my Top 10 Lessons of 2015:
10. Don't be afraid to support your guy friends. Speak encouragement into their life. Don't be afraid to tell them you love them, are proud of them, and you believe in them. They need to hear it from a woman, especially when there's no hidden meaning or hidden expectation of being in a relationship.
9. Embrace being a single woman who is not afraid to do life solo. Go out to eat, the movies, a dream date experience without the man, and don't be afraid to be alone. Embrace it. Get used to it. Until you do, you will never be able to be a stable girlfriend.
8. Set boundaries. Enforce them. Uphold them. And enact consequences when others cross them. It is necessary and healthy to do this. You do not have to feel guilty for loving yourself and protecting yourself. Even Jesus had boundaries.
7. Surrender to the feelings you are having. Ride the wave of each emotion you're experiencing, completely. It is far better to do this than to numb out. Numbing out isn't a selective ability. You can't numb out certain emotions. Instead, you numb out every single emotion.
6. Don't be afraid to become a complete, wholehearted individual. The process getting there is hard, messy, and scary but the journey is completely worth it.
5. Sometimes the best way to step into who you really are is to move to an entirely new place where no one knows you, no one knows your past, no one knows your family, and no one has prejudgements based upon gossip they heard about you.
4. If you meet a girl at a small group from church who is hilarious, supportive, and understands every single word you say--move in with her. I'm 2 for 2 on this and met my seester-BFF this year.
3. Take every chance you get to hang out with family that supports you and makes you life.
2. Don't be afraid to giggle-snort every single day.
1. Surrender to the need to completely understand, control, and fix your life. It's just not worth the stress.