My name is Emily, but as I write here I use my pen name Emma Leigh. There's so much power in that name for me that I would actually love to change my name to it one day. There's plenty of other names and labels I have been given over the years. Annoying baby sister seems to somehow still be the default of all my siblings, or even baby sister--never mind the fact I am presently 37 years old. I know all youngest children in the world would love to actually been seen as an adult by their older siblings, so just a nod to you all--the struggle is REAL. Another is unchurched kid, which I heavily was labeled at the first youth group I attended, so much so that when I was chosen to be on the student leadership team all the churched kids were shocked. There was a lot of awkward questions during those days that the churched kids were shocked I asked, "Movies have ratings? What does that mean?" "Wait a minute Pastor, I'm in the table of contents trying to find the page number to the book you just said!!" One I will never forget asking, "How is sucks or stupid a swear word exactly?" Those were the days. However, when I came back from a few years of college I was still the unchurched kid, but also the college drop-out. Any hopes of serving, or being seen differently went out the window. As a result, I had to find a different church to attend.
Now in my thirties, I find there's a list of labels from others I can't seem to shake. Some are ones that people pin on me based on their assumptions. Recently, this has happened a lot. I was told I was a contrarian just because I hold drastically different opinions of the person that said it, apparently my intent in their view is to thrive on being difficult. I have been told I am a liar, when the fact is I never said what I was accused of, nor did I do what I was accused of. I really could go on, but what's the point? My point is less what I'm being labeled and more the fact that I am being labeled by others.
What's really sad about this is that my top love languages are tied: touch and words of affirmation. The struggle with words of affirmation as your top love language is the negative, insulting words of others become next to impossible to shake. They become toxic to you in deep ways compared to affirming words. For me, they become hard to let go of, deeply damaging, and make me reweigh the relationship all together. I end up getting frustrated, hurt, and almost critically wounded by some--especially ones that attack my character in some way, and especially if they come from someone who doesn't really know me on a personal level.
Recently, during my quiet time I started journaling out one recent situation with someone. As I wrote out the details, I found the root of the issue: I'm being mislabeled, misnamed, and essentially unknown despite my best efforts to connect with folks. As I realized this, I prayed and asked God about the source of the issue. In all the situations, I am being sized up and either identified by my past, or being disliked. So long as you hate something, or someone, your view of it/them is tainted. Take for example peas, which I have hated since I was a toddler. My mother would tell me stories of how great an eater I was except peas, and the faces I would make. I have tried them as an adult and I still hate them. In fact, I hate them so much that I pick them out to the side instead of suffering through a bite. This is how it is with people mislabeling me, they've already reached a conclusion and can't even stand a bite, so they toss me aside and slap a label on me that justifies their opinion. This was a huge revelation because when you're being judged, you don't stand a chance to be a friend, a sister, a daughter, or a valuable youth group member.
My name is . . . when we start talking about our identity, we often get it wrapped around what others say we are, what others think we are, or what we do; mom, wife, teacher, friend, etc. This isn't necessarily bad except that a day may come when you're no longer "doing" that, or "being" that role and you'll have an identity crisis. This is often the case of empty nest mom's. For years, they were mom and maybe made the kids their world. Now that ALL have left the nest, they don't know who they are, or what they should do because they let what they were doing define their identity. When we let others label us, we will find a crisis of identity when who we are truly clashes with what people claim. This is an unsettling tension that can create unnecessary guilt, especially if you're letting the labels in from people who don't truly know you, or care to know you, hold instead of who you truly are, that others who know your well claim. Much like someone hating you and never letting go of why they hate you, you can try your whole life to prove yourself to them, but unless they let go of their hate and bitterness, you do not stand a chance.
After all of this realization and revelation, my next thought was, "What can I do about it?" It is really normal in our human nature to want to defend ourselves, explain or actions or thought process, and try to get someone to see a little bit of the truth. However, we can't control other people and we are just creating more dysfunction if we try. I have learned to step back from people who constantly mislabel me and only choose to see me in a negative light. Yes, it bothers me greatly they see me the way they do. I have decided it is worse for me to play their song and dance of dysfunction than let them believe how they will about me. To go a step further, I have also decided God will defend me better than I can, so why bother trying? Instead, I look at what they are not saying. By constantly having a negative opinion of me, constantly pointing out my flaws, or being the first to criticize what I say they are actually proving they really don't like me and do not want a relationship with me. Therefore, I step back. I refuse to throw myself on someone for a friendship, biological family relationship, or otherwise if they only want to see me negatively. I'm not saying I do not have my faults, or that at one point I was not the annoying baby sister, but to still be seen in that way or only seen by my faults is not fair. It is also not healthy.
One of the hardest things I have had to work through over the years is forgiveness. In my early twenties, I went through a season of deep, justifiable anger. I was angry at everything and everyone because I didn't know what I was truly feeling. Anger is a secondary emotion, which means another emotion is at its core. For me, anger comes out most often if I'm feeling dysfunction, victimization, or being unjustifiably accused. In my twenties, ALL of that was going on and I was so angry that I couldn't even see it objectively. I was the meanest person and I hated it. I would say and do things that I can't even believe I said or did today. I had to learn how to deal with anger, how to deal with situations and people that are out of my control, and how to accept I do not have to be everyone's friend.
I have this deep desire to just be liked and a friend by everyone I meet. This means that it's rather shocking sometimes when I learn I'm simply not everyone's cup of tea, some prefer only coffee. It also means, I went through a hard season learning that people pleasing is not the answer. Instead, focusing on having a pure heart and making sure God's opinion is the only one Who truly matters. For me, this is accomplished when I take the time to explain the situation, see the root issue, and then ask, "What can I do about it?" Some may default to "Nothing," but I don't agree with that being an option. I believe we can always do something.
In cases where the normal response is, "You can't do anything," I have a few things I do. First, I commit to pray for the person. To be honest, the recent situations with people are less than a handful, but for me even one is too many. This isn't a huge commitment, I just include them on my daily list as long as the situation bothers me. Whenever the situation or person comes to mind and I'm tempted to have false guilt, or feel bad, I pray. I will pray for their heart to soften and for them to be accepting of others.
Another thing I do is asked God, "What is my role here?" 99% of the time, He says, "Step back and give them space." I don't tell them I'm stepping back, I just do it. I wait for them to contact me when they decide to contact me. I respond when they do graciously and lovingly also, which is the third step: Choose to not hold a grudge.
I refuse to let anger make a foothold in my life anymore. I'm not angry with any of the small number of people I've dealt with recently, or the old youth group kids I was dealing with. If anything I'm saddened. I'm saddened by the lens they see through and I'm saddened I can't have a deeper relationship with them. I do not hold a grudge because I don't see them with eyes of offense, but eyes of who they are and who they could become. You see, no one is perfect. I have a lot of flaws . . . I don't trust easily, I don't always have a good balance of listening or talking, I avoid conflict like the black plague and shut down or run away to hide from it, and I really suck at laughing quietly no matter how hard I try. The thing is, a true friend or someone who is in a healthy relationship with you will see you for you are at your core, beyond your flaws. If someone only sees your flaws, the relationship is massively dysfunctional. When someone hurts me, I feel it but then I have a choice with how I want to handle it. In that choice, I refuse to let anger rule and reign within me because it only destroys the person being angry. Did you catch that? Let me say it again: Anger destroys the person who is angry, NOT the person you are angry with. I refuse to destroy myself.
One other thing I do is honor their boundary. The person does not like me. I'm super bummed for sure, maybe even cried a little bit, or a lot. It's okay to feel the pain or loss connected to the relationship, no matter how close it was or wasn't. I would say, the closer you were, the deeper the loss and you probably have a grieving process you need to do. This is healthy humans being human. I have learned though, it's not necessary for me to go to them and demand to know why they feel a certain way, or defend yourself. It doesn't end well and it doesn't help the situation. They don't like me, so it's probably best for both of us for me to move on. Again, I don't tell them I'm moving on because I don't think it's necessary. It also could be that I'm an INFJ, which means we don't burn bridges, we just stop crossing them and maintaining them so they become structurally deficient and disappear over time. As funny as that meme is, it's really true! I just think that the biggest reason for this is by honoring their boundary, we can both move on to better places and surround ourselves with our tribe. Not everyone will be in your tribe, so you can let go of those who are not when you realize this.
Lastly, and maybe the most important step, I remind myself of Who God says I am.
In Christ, my name is Accepted.
I am God's child. (Jn 1:12)
I am Christ's friend. (Jn 15:15)
I have been justified. (Rm 5:1)
I am united with the Lord and one with Him in spirit. (1 Cor 6:17)
I have been bought with a price, I belong to God. (1 Cor 6:20)
I am a member of Christ's body. (1 Cor 12:27)
I am a saint. (Eph 1:1)
I have been adopted as God's child. (Eph 1:5)
I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit. (Eph 2:18)
I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. (Col 1:14)
I am complete in Christ. (Col 2:10)
In Christ, my name is Secure.
I am free forever of condemnation. (Rom 8:1-2)
I am assured that all things work together for good. (Rom 8:28)
I am free from any condemning charges against me. (Rom 8:33-34)
I cannot be separated from the love of God. (Rom 8:35)
I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God. (2 Cor 1:21)
I am hidden with Christ in God. (Col 3:3)
I am confident that the good work God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil 1:6)
I am a citizen of heaven.(Phil 3:20)
I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. (2 Tim 1:7)
I can find grace and mercy in time of need. (Heb 4:16)
I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me. (1 Jn 5:18)
In Christ, my name is Significant.
I am the salt of the earth. (Matt 5:13-14)
I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of His life. (Jn 15:1-5)
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. (Jn 15:16)
I am a personal witness of Christ's. (Acts 1:8)
I am God's temple. (1 Cor 3:16)
I am a minister of reconciliation. (2 Cor 5:17-20)
I am God's coworker. (2 Cor 6:1)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm. (Eph 2:6)
I am God's workmanship. (Eph 2:10)
I may approach God with freedom and confidence. (Eph 3:12)
I can do all through through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)
You see, at the end of the day, my name is whatever God says it is. When all that truly matters is Him, then it frees you to be able to accept that another human being may not like you. It also makes it better for you to move on easily, instead of stumbling into sin, or becoming entrapped in dysfunction.
Before I end, a random thought came to me, "When do you apologize?" If I get the intuitive vibe that someone is upset with me, I have a decision to make. The common response for most people is what I call, over-apologizing. You see, just because there's some sort of friction does not mean I have to own it. In fact, just because I got offended, hurt, annoyed, frustrated, etc by someone doesn't mean they did anything wrong. 99% of the time, things like this are because of my own heart issues. So I take time and ask God, "What do you say about it? Search me and reveal my heart to me, Lord." If I'm shown there's an issue in my heart, then I can't expect another person to apologize. In fact, maybe I need to be apologizing to God for being so quick to be offended! Things like being annoyed or frustrated with someone is not anyone else's fault but your own. Why are you annoyed by them? What's the sticking point for you in your heart of hearts? You need to deal with that! You don't have to go apologize because something is array.
You could ask the person, "Is there something wrong?" This could be a 50/50 shot of going really badly, or really great. For one, the person could get even more angry because you have no clue they have hated you all their life and you are clueless. On the other side, may be they have wanted to talk to you but they don't have words and your olive branch is what they needed. I really don't do this unless there's been proof the relationship is far from dysfunctional and I'm not being mislabeled offensively. If they are mislabeling me in a deeply offensive way, I don't think it helps to approach them at all. On the other hand, if they've never done this before and start acting strangely, I will go to them and ask, "Is everything okay? Do we need to talk?" There's still a risk here and you just have decided what's best for the relationship overall.
I apologize when God reveals to me I did something wrong, I have accidentally offended someone by my words or actions, and I knowingly did something wrong. I refuse to apologize any other time because it is not my cross to bear, it's the other person's. They also may not need to apologize to me, I mean if it truly is simply that they don't like me, it would be silly to expect an apology for that, right?! "I'm sorry I don't like you, Lucy." "It's okay, Marsha. I forgive you for having your own personal preferences. Good luck in life." Just because there's hurt, pain, sadness, or even conflict in a relationship doesn't mean there's an offense that needs to be dealt with. I would argue, the root of a lot of major mental illnesses is the constant struggle with finding offense and blaming others for everything, and taking no ownership for yourself. This behavior is even identified in several personality disorders, especially borderline personality disorder where the person will love their friend to the point of obsessiveness and drop them like a hot biscuit and despise them deeply at the slightest negative feeling they perceive the friend caused. It's actually much more healthy to own your offenses when you're aware of them, or confronted with them and nothing more. While learning when to apologize isn't easy, the critical component needs to exist: repentance.
It's one thing to say, "I'm sorry for hurting you." It's a whole other thing to actually stop hurting someone. It's another thing to say, "I can't stand her, but I'm going to see her with God's eyes--as valuable and something to offer the world." It's a whole other thing to say, "She's always so annoying," in your head the entire time you're around her. At the end of the day, there's nothing worse then a band-aid apology with no evidence that you genuinely will change your perspective, or your behavior. If you can't back up your apology to God or a person with a change in your behavior (repentance), then I would argue to not waste your time until you can. If this is the situation, you likely have some unforgiveness, bitterness, jealousy, or anger to deal with within yourself and that is not anyone else's issue but your own.
At the end of the day, when I ended my journal entry, I went back to my life chapter: Psalm 27. It's a perfect reminder for me of Who matters and that I have nothing else to be afraid of.
My name is Loved, Fearless, and Beloved.
