To Be Known

The first time I felt new and unconfident was when I went to fifth grade a Fairmont Middle School. I actually went to kindergarten at Lincoln Elementary 1986-1987 in the same school district so after we lived in Arkansas for 4 years and came back, I think I just assumed that all my kindergarten friends would know me, remember me, and we would pick up right where we left off. I rode the bus and no one would let me sit with them, which had never happened in Arkansas, so right away I had no idea what to do and told the bus driver. I didn't know that was a big mistake in being accepted. The first day went down hill after that, especially at lunch time when I found my kindergarten friend I never forgot named Amber. Not only did she not really remember me, but it was not cool to acknowledge me so even if she did, we couldn't be friends. Fifth grade was the worst year of my life in a lot of ways, but especially when it came to connecting with people. Bullying existed horribly back then and there were really no policies. Policies on bullying didn't exist in schools until Columbine happened my senior year 1999. Now it's severely regulated and kids can be kicked out of schools because it took a tragedy to show the severity of the consequences to bullying. I look back at fifth grade somberly and realize that is the year a constant desire within me became known to me the most. I have had a deep, burning desire simply to be known.

I have been writing on this blog openly for a couple years now and I still don't know who follows it, who reads it, or if anyone gets anything out of it. I don't know my audience, other than what country is attached to your ISP (there's a world map blogger will show me, which is actually really cool). I don't write here to be known really, but mostly to share some thoughts with someone with the hopes that they will benefit from it. I like to think my unknown readers learn something from each post. Even writing this blog doesn't satisfy this desire within me.

I have been in Waco, TX now for 2.5 years! I can't believe it. In many ways, I feel like I just moved here last week. Other days, I feel like Minnesota is a distant memory, especially snow. I have not seen snow since the first week I moved here when Texas had a snow/ice storm. I know for a fact when I do see it again I will be screaming in excitement and crying over its beauty--get ready Texans! I have a few sweet friends with whom I have formed a deep bond with in a couple of years and I can finally say I found a church home which I love. The process of connecting with these friends and this church has been very challenging and sort of painful, but I never let the challenge stop me from trying as hard as it was and as desperately the need was to become known.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." -- Jeremiah 1:5 -- This verse is used often to focus on the womb and life, but I want to take a different angle today. God, the Lord, the Creator of the world, the One who holds all things and is all things, and the One who is the Father, the Messiah and the Spirit --- He knew me before I was a tiny little bundle of chromosomes hoping to start to develop. This is a crazy thought when I think of how my parents were not even planning to have another child and my mom had just had her tubes tied! She didn't ever feel right and finally went to the doctor only to discover she was pregnant with me. Even before my parents knew their super-blended, giant-sized family of seven was going to expand to eight GOD KNEW ME. I don't want to skip over that part too quickly because when you have felt so unknown in your life and learn that before you had breath, life, or were even known by your earthly parents God knew you, it makes you drop everything and feel your heart skip a beat. This is what I have come to embrace.

I have shared before my word for 2017 is Believe. I want to "believe who God says I am, believe and stand in my identity, and believe who God is." It may be a tall order for one year, but so far it has been quite the journey. When I read this passage, I see three parts. If God knew me before I existed on this earth then my very existence is valuable to Him. If my existence is valuable to Him, then I am a treasure. If I am a treasure to God, then He must be a Treasure Chest, Treasure Hunter, and a Collector all in one. To me, this is not a verse about the existence of earthly life in a human, but about the existence of an intimate, personal God who is unlike any other gods known to man. If this God sees me as His finest gold, rarest ruby, or most glittering diamond then there's no reason for me to struggle to be known by mankind. Yet this side of heaven, the humanness of my being would argue the opposite.

I will be the first to admit how hard it is to be satisfied with God knowing me even if no one else does. I understand humans fail and should not be who I turn to for my worth or value, but to be alone and disregarded on this earth is one of the most heart breaking feelings a human could experience. I have spoken with widows who have said, "When my kids went back home and I woke up without him by my side for the first time in decades, I didn't even know who I was apart from him anymore." I have had a friend tell me, "She walked out and took the kids. I couldn't stop her. For years I worked, provided, supported, loved, and it wasn't enough. I don't think she ever knew me and I don't know her at all, it is like we woke up one day and became strangers to each other." And I had a friend say, "My biggest fear is that no one will say my baby's name and it will be like the world never knew him. It will be like he was never known. This ultrasound is all I have to hold onto and make my mind hold on to his memory because if I don't, he was never known." The heart aches to be known and not be forgotten. I think this is meant to be embraced and not rebuked. We have this ache within us so that we treasure one another and see God in the process. As we see the treasure in those around us, we can't help but see the Creator in the created. We all reflect a piece of Him, whether we believe in Him or not.

Lately, I have learned to just curl up on Abba's lap. In those precious encounters on my Sabbath, He speaks sweetly into my heart and reminds me that I am more than known to Him. In fact, He reminds me that we go way back--more than 36 years. And He tells me of all the ways He delights in me. I wish I could stay there all day, but I have other purposes. As I get up and walk away, suddenly it doesn't matter if a single person says my name that day because the One who hung the moon knows how valuable I am and how many hairs are on my head and collected all my tears in His bottle. I have never been unknown, I have only been expecting too much from the people around me. God is the only one I need to be known by completely. He alone is all I need. When I take the time to rest in Him, then I am completely satisfied. This quest to be known is completely gone when I take the time to meet with the One who has known me since before the world began.

When God says, "Go!"

My first mission trip was a time I'll never forget. It was several years after Hurricane Katrina and I couldn't believe how much work was still left to be done and how little my country was doing for their own people. I was heartbroken hearing others criticize people for not staying, still living in an area below sea level, or mad that our country was spending money on the poor. I was heartbroken seeing people who lost everything and had nowhere to go. I also believed long ago that my first mission trip had to be in the USA because I couldn't bring myself to go to another country to help them and share Jesus there if I wasn't willing to do something in my homeland.

Being a part of Hurricane Katrina Relief efforts really made me appreciate the community of God's people. I joined a team made up of folks from California, New York, and Connecticut. I was was the only person from Minnesota and I sounded like it too! We had all sorts of demographics represented on our team as well, from people who were retired after having worked a six-figure income, to two college students, to me--a very broke, college drop-out trying to survive paycheck-to-paycheck. We united over one mission: helping to restore two homes and give the owners and their families hope.

As Hurricane Harvey plowed into the state I now live, it brought back similar feelings of the tornado in Comfrey, MN in March 1998. I was a junior in high school. Their school was the same size as mine. The town was demolished and their school was damaged. When the offer came at school to go help one day, I couldn't think twice--I signed up and went. I was able to volunteer to assist another team there that helped with interior demolishion of flooded places, mostly basements or homes who lost windows and roofs. It turned out I got to scrap carpet and tile glue off the floor of a Lutheran Church basement so that new flooring could be laid and mold wouldn't set in. It was so great to be visited by the pastor and leaders of the church and work with three other people whom I never knew before, all for the same mission. As I see damage from Hurricane Harvey, the streets look just like Comfrey, New Orleans, and Slidell streets did. If the house didn't receive a giant red X, the curb was full of all the contents within waiting to be picked up and tossed away. I saw the pictures and knew I couldn't just sit on the sidelines, I started praying for the opportunity to go and told God, "If there's a chance, let me say YES!"

This week at a young adult service I attend here in Waco, the church that puts it on had information about a service trip that would be going Saturday-Sunday this weekend! I jumped on it that night and received word today that I'm on that team! I'm really excited to be going and serving God on the team! I don't even know if I will know anyone on my teamvwhich is exciting because we are all serving with one goal and united with one mission. God is in the restoration business and as long as I am on His team, I am too!

Please join me in praying for the victims of Hurricane Harvey. Please also pray for those, like me, who are serving and giving up their weekend and days off for something bigger and better than just having a day to lay around watching netflix. God has a plan and purpose for hose of us going and there's no accident in who my teammates will be, or who I will encounter. Please pray for me to have a tender heart for the people God puts in my path and for me to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit! I'm so excited to be a part of restoring Houston, TX!

While Hurricane Irma is on the horizon, please pray for those who have already lost everything as it reaches the USA. Please also pray for Floridians who are now preparing and evacuating. It's a special place in my heart because my niece Holly and her boyfriend Jeff live in northern, inland Florida (not a coastal town). Let's pray for mercy and protection for all those in Florida!

"Go therefore....to ALL nations.... [including your own]....." ~ Jesus [added my own interpretation there!] Matthew 28:16-20