To Be Known

The first time I felt new and unconfident was when I went to fifth grade a Fairmont Middle School. I actually went to kindergarten at Lincoln Elementary 1986-1987 in the same school district so after we lived in Arkansas for 4 years and came back, I think I just assumed that all my kindergarten friends would know me, remember me, and we would pick up right where we left off. I rode the bus and no one would let me sit with them, which had never happened in Arkansas, so right away I had no idea what to do and told the bus driver. I didn't know that was a big mistake in being accepted. The first day went down hill after that, especially at lunch time when I found my kindergarten friend I never forgot named Amber. Not only did she not really remember me, but it was not cool to acknowledge me so even if she did, we couldn't be friends. Fifth grade was the worst year of my life in a lot of ways, but especially when it came to connecting with people. Bullying existed horribly back then and there were really no policies. Policies on bullying didn't exist in schools until Columbine happened my senior year 1999. Now it's severely regulated and kids can be kicked out of schools because it took a tragedy to show the severity of the consequences to bullying. I look back at fifth grade somberly and realize that is the year a constant desire within me became known to me the most. I have had a deep, burning desire simply to be known.

I have been writing on this blog openly for a couple years now and I still don't know who follows it, who reads it, or if anyone gets anything out of it. I don't know my audience, other than what country is attached to your ISP (there's a world map blogger will show me, which is actually really cool). I don't write here to be known really, but mostly to share some thoughts with someone with the hopes that they will benefit from it. I like to think my unknown readers learn something from each post. Even writing this blog doesn't satisfy this desire within me.

I have been in Waco, TX now for 2.5 years! I can't believe it. In many ways, I feel like I just moved here last week. Other days, I feel like Minnesota is a distant memory, especially snow. I have not seen snow since the first week I moved here when Texas had a snow/ice storm. I know for a fact when I do see it again I will be screaming in excitement and crying over its beauty--get ready Texans! I have a few sweet friends with whom I have formed a deep bond with in a couple of years and I can finally say I found a church home which I love. The process of connecting with these friends and this church has been very challenging and sort of painful, but I never let the challenge stop me from trying as hard as it was and as desperately the need was to become known.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." -- Jeremiah 1:5 -- This verse is used often to focus on the womb and life, but I want to take a different angle today. God, the Lord, the Creator of the world, the One who holds all things and is all things, and the One who is the Father, the Messiah and the Spirit --- He knew me before I was a tiny little bundle of chromosomes hoping to start to develop. This is a crazy thought when I think of how my parents were not even planning to have another child and my mom had just had her tubes tied! She didn't ever feel right and finally went to the doctor only to discover she was pregnant with me. Even before my parents knew their super-blended, giant-sized family of seven was going to expand to eight GOD KNEW ME. I don't want to skip over that part too quickly because when you have felt so unknown in your life and learn that before you had breath, life, or were even known by your earthly parents God knew you, it makes you drop everything and feel your heart skip a beat. This is what I have come to embrace.

I have shared before my word for 2017 is Believe. I want to "believe who God says I am, believe and stand in my identity, and believe who God is." It may be a tall order for one year, but so far it has been quite the journey. When I read this passage, I see three parts. If God knew me before I existed on this earth then my very existence is valuable to Him. If my existence is valuable to Him, then I am a treasure. If I am a treasure to God, then He must be a Treasure Chest, Treasure Hunter, and a Collector all in one. To me, this is not a verse about the existence of earthly life in a human, but about the existence of an intimate, personal God who is unlike any other gods known to man. If this God sees me as His finest gold, rarest ruby, or most glittering diamond then there's no reason for me to struggle to be known by mankind. Yet this side of heaven, the humanness of my being would argue the opposite.

I will be the first to admit how hard it is to be satisfied with God knowing me even if no one else does. I understand humans fail and should not be who I turn to for my worth or value, but to be alone and disregarded on this earth is one of the most heart breaking feelings a human could experience. I have spoken with widows who have said, "When my kids went back home and I woke up without him by my side for the first time in decades, I didn't even know who I was apart from him anymore." I have had a friend tell me, "She walked out and took the kids. I couldn't stop her. For years I worked, provided, supported, loved, and it wasn't enough. I don't think she ever knew me and I don't know her at all, it is like we woke up one day and became strangers to each other." And I had a friend say, "My biggest fear is that no one will say my baby's name and it will be like the world never knew him. It will be like he was never known. This ultrasound is all I have to hold onto and make my mind hold on to his memory because if I don't, he was never known." The heart aches to be known and not be forgotten. I think this is meant to be embraced and not rebuked. We have this ache within us so that we treasure one another and see God in the process. As we see the treasure in those around us, we can't help but see the Creator in the created. We all reflect a piece of Him, whether we believe in Him or not.

Lately, I have learned to just curl up on Abba's lap. In those precious encounters on my Sabbath, He speaks sweetly into my heart and reminds me that I am more than known to Him. In fact, He reminds me that we go way back--more than 36 years. And He tells me of all the ways He delights in me. I wish I could stay there all day, but I have other purposes. As I get up and walk away, suddenly it doesn't matter if a single person says my name that day because the One who hung the moon knows how valuable I am and how many hairs are on my head and collected all my tears in His bottle. I have never been unknown, I have only been expecting too much from the people around me. God is the only one I need to be known by completely. He alone is all I need. When I take the time to rest in Him, then I am completely satisfied. This quest to be known is completely gone when I take the time to meet with the One who has known me since before the world began.