My therapist in Texas challenged me with the concept that being vulnerable was a good thing the very first session I had with her. I remember thinking she was nuts, but most therapists are a little nuts when you first meet them, at least in my experience. I mean they all have this outside-the-box way of thinking mixed with a crazy high they get from seeing someone have an ah-ha moment . . . so they're nuts basically! (haha!) All kidding aside, after thinking she was nuts I was terrified.
My therapist parallels our sessions with the wisdom of Dr. Brene Brown who is like the vulnerability guru I have learned. She had this great TedTalk on the power of vulnerability (youtube it, you're gonna have your mind BLOWN). My first homework assignment was to watch this clip and come back with any thought I had on the subject.
I remember thinking, "If vulnerability is so great, why is it so terrifying?" I think the answer is different for everyone, but the core of every answer is vulnerability is a risk and trust test all rolled into one. It's a risk of the relationship for you to give up various details of yourself, your story, your past, or anything really all to hope the receiving person will be strong enough and wise enough to respond back in a healthy way, equally as vulnerable. So many people can't do it. There's the element of trust that comes in then. My therapist talks about a jar of marbles as a parallel. The marbles represent pieces of your heart and your story. It's not really helpful to pour out all your marbles at once, it's safer to do a couple marbles at a time, or even one. Then, see what the person does with it. If that went well, maybe next time you see them you give them a few more, etc. A person who lives in the world of vulnerability doesn't hesitate to give their marbles away in bigger chunks at a time. This is terrifying!
I am not a vulnerable or transparent person. You may be able to look at me and have a better idea than I do about how I'm doing because I'm emotionally ignorant, but take the time to ask me why I am feeling that way and I'll clam up! This week I went with my fellow Day DTS classmates on our retreat. It was basically a crash-course of vulnerability. It really reminded me of the meals I'd eat together with my groupies in my out-patient eating disorder program at Park Nicollet-Melrose Institute back in Minnesota. We'd have exposure therapy to food together and talk about the food struggles and what to do about it. Gathering 8 people with the same exact eating disorder for a meal to talk about how your feeling, why you're feeling it, and what to do differently was intense, trust me on that one! This week was no different.
I haven't even been able to process it all yet. I have thought of a couple things as I've been back, but I feel like the biggest lesson I have learned is there really is a certain beauty within vulnerability. To be fair, we were not forced to share our hearts with each other, we chose to. We were not forced to care and be compassionate with each other, we chose to do that too. And we surely were not forced to respond in a caring, supportive, and encouraging way, but we all chose to. I only had one single interaction that was unsettling and confusing, which the parties involved and myself talked about it immediately as soon as we were able to and totally resolved it head on. It turned out to be 3 people assuming what the other was thinking, because the other didn't communicate something. Even in this misunderstanding, there was a vulnerability that was shared, but we chose that one too. I think that is the heart of vulnerability--choice. No one can force it or make it happen. You can cultivate a perfect environment for it to occur, reassure safety and confidentiality, but at the end of the day all parties have to choose to be vulnerable. Every single one of us did exactly that during the retreat.
I got to share my testimony multiple times, but not sugar-coat it so it is more palatable or more "church appropriate" but really share it. One person actually encouraged me and shared that God wants us to share our entire testimony with others because every single piece of our story has a purpose for those who hear it. Not sharing your entire faith story limits God and what he will do. It also limits how the person hearing it can respond, which is just as bad as limiting God! This really broadened my scope of the ways we can stifle the Holy Spirit! Here I was doing that for many, many years and not even knowing it.
I also was able to hear so many stories of people hearing from God, obeying God, and stepping out in faith. A majority of the class is college students, either in the middle of their degrees or freshly graduated. I would listen to these 20 somethings and the whole time, think back to when I was 20. Sure, I was pursuing God . . . sorta. I was so caught in my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder that I had flunked a semester and had to quit for a time! I was not at all waiting and listening to the Lord! There's some who are fresh out of high school even--HIGH SCHOOL! These are like my youth group kids back in Minnesota, suddenly at a crossroads and feeling the pressure to declare a major, a college, find a job, move away, and live apart from your family---5 HUGE major stressors for any other adult, but it's just expected of the 18 or 19 yr old babies in the USA! These kids felt that pressure and they turned to God and said, "I got NO idea! Holy cow! Lord, you tell me what to do!" God spoke and said, "Go to Waco, Texas." And they said, "Well, okay. I'll go because I want to obey you!" Many of them put their lives on hold for the next year, just so they can go deeper in their faith journey. It blows my mind that kids in their 20's would do this! Wow! How encouraging to see in today's generation! Their vulnerability and sharing their hearts with me was so beautiful, so honourable, and such a delight. It made me so proud of each one of them.
We got to also share our struggles with one another. This is where living vulnerably often turns ugly in Christian circles. How many times has someone come up to you with their measuring stick to measure your faith in God, or your Bible knowledge, or your ability to defend your stand on the eschatology, or measure your giftedness in prayers out loud? It's happened to me a lot. Instead of judgement and criticism, we each embraced each other and supported each other in prayer. It was such a beautiful thing that I hope I never forget seeing and experiencing.
As I shared this with my therapist today she said, "How healing for you and how beautiful. What a perfect picture of what the body of Christ really should be. There's such beauty in vulnerability." I wish I could paint the beauty I saw and felt this week. It would be a masterpiece.
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