Stand in the Rain . . .

A long time ago, I came to realize I had a lot of crap to overcome. There's lots of abuses in my background, lots of lies I was told in my past, lots of heartaches, and lots of tears that have been shed. I remember thinking at one point if I just prayed harder, or saw my therapist the prescribed number of times that I would be over "it" . . . on the other side of normal. Then, God shook me and woke me up to His plan for my healing. 

In 2 Kings 5, we read the story of Naaman who had leprosy. The king tore his robes in disgrace that Naaman got this dreadful disease. Elisha confronted the king and summoned for him to send Naaman for healing. Naaman is headed to Elisha when he sends one of his messengers with Elisha's instructions: Go wash seven times in the Jordan River. Naaman reacts in anger because Elisha didn't just show up, touch him, speak a word or two and heal him. No doubt Elisha could have! Instead, another person speaks for Elisha and tells Naaman to go do something first in order for healing to come. Naaman, eventually is convinced to do what Elisha says and received healing. 

**Quick pause**

Many people will argue that healing is not for today, but a miraculous sign that Jesus only gave to his first Apostles to be used to advance the church. I will ruffle your feathers by saying that was just one purpose for healing. Furthermore, if healing was only for that time period, then this story in 2 Kings would not have ever occurred. Additionally, I will ask one question: If a bone breaks and you put it into a cast for 6-8 weeks, what happens? The answer is, "It heals!" Therefore, proof healing actually is for today and is not controlled by the boundaries we want to set for it. Let's move on . . . 

When it came to my past, around 19 everything was coming up to the surface. Maybe it was the fact I was in a community, surrounded by Christians for the very first time in my whole life that caused it to come? Maybe everything messed up inside me was coming out because I had stuff it for so long, thinking I had nothing wrong and was not affected by it? I don't know the answers for certain, but I do know that God allowed it to bubble to the surface and be seen by myself and every single person I came into contact with. It wasn't pretty. I was mean. I was angry. I hated people. I didn't trust a soul. I was also terrified. I couldn't sit in class without horrible images coming to mind of my past. I would lay down at night unable to shut off my brain. I would sleep all day if I could because anything else took so much effort. I struggled to take a shower, to brush my teeth, or to even go to work. Thankfully, I had a boss who understood and was very helpful if the anxiety showed up at work. There was a point when in a four hour shift at JoAnn Fabrics & Craft, I had to take 4 15 minute breaks because I was shaking so hard! I found a counselor, started an anti-anxiety and an anti-depressant, and I gave myself 3 months to beat this. 3 months came and I still felt horrible and I was on my 4th therapist! It was at this point I moved away from my college town and back to my hometown. 

There's one thing I absolutely hate about small towns--the rumor mill. By the time I moved, stayed with a family for a couple months, and then moved to my own apartment, there was so much I was feeling. I was approached by someone who said, "Here's my number. Call me when you get those thoughts again." And I realized one popular rumor was I left college because I was suicidal, not true but depression typically goes with suicide so I couldn't be angry. I went to church once and I was met by someone who sat with me during donuts and coffee and she said, "Emily, you are using everything to just get attention. Even your laugh is your way of getting noticed in a crowd. We've all be talking about how you are just attention-seeking and think it is time you quit it." Regardless of whether her statement was literally true, I immediately swore of church and started thinking about swearing off "organized religion" all together. I pictured the church gathered together on Sunday for a sermon and the pastor pausing to have this "Emily-Bash" and it prevented me from trusting Christians for a very long time, like 4 years. 

By 2004, I had started going to church again and found a Christian counselor. For the next four years we worked through a lot of things, but the biggest thing was the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Workbook. This workbook was my cure for the intense PTSD that I had that started back when I was in college. After this, I once again thought: I'm HEALED! I'm GREAT! Woohoo!!! 

During these years, my counselor and I realized I had developed an eating disorder back in the 5th grade called Binge Eating Disorder (BED). BED was just getting recognized by the psychology world and not many treatment centers for eating disorders had programs for it specifically. As a result of this, my therapist suggested we table it and focus on the PTSD stuff first. In 2008, when my time with this came to an end, my BED was at its peak. It was how I dealt with every single thing that happened in life. At one point, I had a food for every emotion. Unfortunately, I was doing well otherwise, so I thought no counseling was needed. I decided it would be better for me to go back to dieting.

I started my first diet as a Junior in high school. It consisted of skipping breakfast, eating half of my school lunch, and drinking water only. I tried Weight Watchers next in college, after being convinced the only way I could lose the amount of weight I needed to was to pay for it. When that didn't work, I decided paying to gain weight was stupid, so I quit that too. Then, I tried this faith-based program that someone paid for me and again....I didn't do well and quit. Since this I have tried gluten/casein free diet, Mediterranean Diet, Atkins Diet, ADA/exchanges diet, and calorie counting. Nothing every worked! I remember the scale climbing and every time I saw the number, I saw who I was and it was horrible. 

Three years ago, I went to Melrose Institute for eating disorder treatment. It was an out-patient program, so I could still work because my team decided that, although I really qualified for admission to the in-patient program, it could disrupt a lot that was going on in my life. I went to a group session for 3 hours every week, saw my dietician weekly, and saw a therapist again weekly as well. This was my life for nine months. It was the hardest thing I think I have ever done in my life so far. I'm happy to report that Thanksgiving 2016 will be my Two Year recovery date! 24 months free of binge eating! To clarify, my binges were 1500-3500 calories in a sitting, after my normal 1500 calorie intake for the day. I had done this for 22 years! 

It was in the middle of treatment, God showed me another part of my healing journey in John 9. Here the blind man begged for healing. People who knew of him and his family blamed the sins of his parents, his sins, and were convinced he was blind as punishment for their sins. Jesus shows up and rebukes this and says, "He was blind so I can show you who I am." (Loose paraphrase) Then, Jesus spits in the dirt, makes mud pies, and puts them on the blind man's eyes. You know what is mind-blowing to me? Besides the fact Jesus made mud pies and rendered them holy by doing so, He destroyed the idea that physical ailments are a form of punishment. Instead, they could be present to help people see who Jesus is! WOW! So at this point, the blind man with the mud pies was probably confused. I mean, he believed Jesus would heal him and I'm convinced this wasn't the first time he positioned himself to be ready for Jesus. This blind guy knew who Jesus was, knew His healing powers, and kept showing up. He heard blind people seeing. He heard paralyzed people leaping and dancing in laughter. Now it was his turn and he's got mud pies made of SPIT on his eyes! Instead of getting up and walking away in disgust, he still sat there ready for what Jesus was gonna do next! Jesus tells him, "Go wash in the pool of Siloam." This guy did that and went home seeing. I read this story and remembered the 2 Kings 5 story and I wept!

Like these men, I had to do something to receive my healing. Their healing was a journey too and it took effort. They couldn't just use any water. They couldn't just go through the motions. Their healing wasn't in an instant, but required a process. They had to choose to follow through with the process, or it wouldn't have happened. 

Here I am now, still dealing with pieces of the junk that is yet to be fully gone. I always knew this journey was necessary, but I never knew when it would end for me. Instead, I just kept walking and doing my part. I kept washing in my well year after year, waiting for Jesus to show up and say, "YES! Look at what I did!" 

I have an amazing therapist again who is such an ally. At the same time, the discipleship school has turned into this place where the balm of Gilead gets poured out over me every single week. Every time I get washed in this balm, a new wound is healed. I was not expecting this at all! It's painful, exhausting, and sometimes it's scary because I am not in control and I do not know what is coming. I just know I'm supposed to do my part.

Today God spoke something powerful: This is the year of completion. Twenty-five years of suffering and agony. A fifteen years long journey. This is the year of completion. 

When I was five years into this journey, a powerful song came out that I play regularly for myself. The rainstorm has been intense and I have felt the rain like needles most days. The wind in the storm has knocked me over, but I have stood up again and again. Now, I'm firmly standing and hearing from the Weatherman the system is dissipating! I just gotta stand there a little longer . . .