I have no doubt the title of this blog is a phrase you have heard before. Perhaps you have a very personal experience with this phrase yourself. For those who do not know the story the phrase comes from, let me sum it up. Genesis Chapter 22 talks about Abe and Sarah and their promised child, Isaac. They were an old couple and barren, but God spoke and vowed a child through whom Abe would become the father of many nations. The child promised was Isaac. Fast forward to Isaac being around the age of a "young teenager" most likely, although the Bible doesn't specifically say. Abe and Isaac go to a mountain to worship God. God had asked Abe to sacrifice Isaac, and basically he was about to until God provided the ram. Abe told Isaac before hand that God would provide the ram. I believe Abe believed God would show up and he wouldn't have to sacrifice his only son, but it took until the knife was raised for God to stop Abe with the ram. It is a Bible story that some find very unsettling, and otherS find a glorious parallel to the promised Messiah. I have always felt a bit of both. On one hand, it is amazing God provided and Abe obeyed to the end. On the other hand, what a crazy thing for God to ask of a Dad?! But when I look at the story closer and replace myself with Abe, it doesn't sound too crazy. I am already on my own Abraham Journey, so why wouldn't God ask me to sacrifice my 'Isaac' too?!
I have been silent on this blog for a few months while life got overwhelming and hard. I am fully able to write while I feel overwhelmed, but this was different. This time was a season of really asking God where He was and struggling to trust. I love my Texas life and my Abraham Journey, but it has been so hard! Part of what has really been a struggle is turning 36 this summer and officially being in my mid-thirties still single. I joke a lot now when people ask, "are you married?" "Nope! I'm Super Single! **doo-too-doo!!**" (I make a Super Hero stance for added affect.) I get a few laughs, but I will be honest and say that I'm really not joking. This summer I have had to pay for all my expenses in my apartment for 2 months until my new roommate moved in, have had to decide to leave a job for another job that is something I have never done before and don't even know if I will be able to be successful at, make a few financial decisions and cancel a few things I had grown accustomed to having just so I could live in my budget, I have had to purchase a different car, insure the car, and trust that my income will cover the added expenses. To be truthful, every month I feel like I am a Super Hero as a single woman. I did my own maintenance even and hung up my new shower rod, which I am not sure will work out long-term but it hasn't fallen yet so maybe it will! So many times this summer I have felt lonely, painfully lonely if I am honest. I am an introvert, which surprises a lot of people. I am an INFJ for you M-B types, so basically I am an introvert who knows how to converse with others, but engaging with others doesn't give me life--it actually sucks the life out of me! This summer I have actually challenged myself to put myself out there two days at a time followed by a introvert-to-the-max day. It has helped me fight the feelings of loneliness and isolation, but they are still there a little bit. And it was about a month ago that I realized being married was my Isaac, which I needed to lay down.
It is encouraged by many that a single woman should pray for her husband, prepare to be a housewife, start a career you're willing to put on hold when you are starting a family with your husband, and know all there is about children. I cringe at these expectations the church still expects women to do. When you're 36 there are no longer expectations, but assumed reasons why you're still single and, let's be honest, they are not positive assumptions. I can say I gave up chasing what "they" said I should do, live, and think long ago--and you should too. While I don't agree with kissing dating good-bye, I do believe I have had to lay down my desire for a husband on the altar in order to live fully in the present for God.
People mean well when they say, "Oh you'll be next." (I have been next about 20 times since 2004.) They mean well when they say, "Just pray for your hasband, he will show up soon." (I have prayed, fasted, and been engaged twice to two different men.) This summer, I was told, "Focus on God and He will give you the desires of your heart." (I have been focused on God since I was saved in 1996.) I would like to say to "them": There is not a single thing I can do to fulfill my desire for a husband anymore than you could make sure everyone you love was in Heaven. And this is what God has shown me this summer: God is still good in all seasons, whether or not I am ever married.
Over my birthday, I was in Bemidji, Minnesota. I was in a boat with some friends looking out at a beautiful lake God made and was overwhelmed with the desire to have a special someone to lean on and share the moment with. I started to think about aging alone, with no husband or children of my own. My thoughts quickly fast-forward to being the person in the nursing home that was alone, never visited, and never cared about even in their death. (Yes, my thoughts can quickly go to the worst scenario when my emotions get the best of me.) As I was about to get a bit depressed, I heard God say, "Will you just lay it down already?!"
It has taken my a few weeks to be able to put words to the process, but I can say I have finally done so. I have prayed a huge prayer full of the desires of my heart and then, laid it at Jesus' feet with the promise of never picking it up again. Yes, my final prayer as a single woman for my husband was uttered. And my last tears of begging and crying out for God to honor my request were shed. And I left the wedding plans, the family plans, and all the childhood dreams of my wedding day on the altar with the Mrs Degree that skipped me in college as well. Instead, I have accepted my life now to live fully for Him.
I will still have to navigate the practicals on my solo income, still have to make my own decisions, and will still have moments of utter loneliness. I didn't lay my Isaac down so that I could pick up something else. I laid it down so I could trust God fully and completely, even if I am single until the day that I die; even if I am that old lady in the nursing home with no family. Following God and His will for my life is far greater than a promised love, or a family of my own. I don't follow God for what I can get out of it, but simply for what He has done for me. Even if He never fulfills my biggest dream and one of His special promises to me, He has still done far more for me than I could ever expect and ask for. Therefore, in ALL things and EVERY season, I give thanks and praise.
I have laid my Isaac down. God Himself will provide. Amen.
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