Top Ten Things Treatment Did for Me

This week on my Facebook, I was reminded that I was discharged from eating disorder treatment 2 years ago. I thought I'd share the top ten things treatment did for me. Who knows, this may even turn into a submission to The Mighty.

1) Treatment opened my heart to emotions again.
For me, Binge Eating Disorder crept in back when I was going through intense trauma from sexual abuse as a 5th grader--about age 10. I ate to numb out the feelings of fear, intense sadness, and heavy anxiety while I carried this deep secret for five years. When PTSD was dealt with as a young adult, I turned to food to continue to numb out and my eating disorder intensified. Treatment showed me that emotions are relative, they can be neither good or bad. Treatment also taught me how to process those emotions and accept them. My world has been so much more complete and whole because I can feel my emotions with no shame, no regret, and confidently know what to do with them.

2) Treatment helped me to enjoy my food.
A common misconception by those with no eating disorder experience is that if you are overweight, you love food and that is the problem. Actually, this couldn't be further from the truth. It is common for someone who is overweight to have a potential eating disorder that is not diagnosed. Also, I don't know anyone with an eating disorder who would say, "I love food." In fact, in my treatment group, we all collectively admitted we were obsessed with food, but didn't necessarily 'love' it. Certain foods were enjoyable, but the obsession that the eating disorder creates in your mind actually creates a lot of anxiety around food. Before treatment, I thought about food about 90% of the time. If I wasn't thinking about my next meal, I was thinking about my next binge, or if I had enough food for the day or week. I would over-purchase at the grocery store regularly because I would be afraid I wouldn't have what I needed, when I needed it--especially if I needed to binge. Now, thanks to meal planning, I can confidently structure my meals and purchase what I need. I can enjoy the meals I create, or my time eating out fully because I'm not preoccupied with the reason I am eating. Instead, I know when I'm hungry and can easily identify what I'm hungry for. I can enjoy food for what it was meant for: nourishment and enjoyment.

3) Treatment gave me the support I needed.
Like many with an eating disorder, those closest to me didn't really understand. After years of dealing with binge eating disorder, I was extremely overweight and everyone around me thought the issue was laziness, a poor diet, or apathy. The first day of my outpatient treatment group, I was terrified. I wanted to run out the door so badly, but I was able to fight the urges. I had opened myself up to my therapist too and she challenged me to stick it out. I'm so glad I did! I can't tell you how many times someone else shared something and one of us would reply, "You too?! I thought I was the only one who did that, felt that, or thought that!" It was really a relief every week to learn that you're not crazy and that this is definitely more than a dieting issue, it is a mental illness that needs to be treated.

4) Treatment equipped me for my future.
Before treatment, I was so consumed in the present and the past that I couldn't make a single goal. I couldn't think about my future, or my dreams. In fact, my dreams were always prefaced with When I reach my goal weight, or If I ever stop spending so much money on binges, then I could --neither would ever happen. Treatment gave me tools to fight my urges to binge, ways to restructure my thought process and intercept the lies or beliefs that were derailing me for so long. Now I am able to feel emotions as they come and process changes in life that only effect me for a moment, not derail my entire year. This means I have been able to set financial goals and meet them since I'm no longer spending money on binges. I also have been able to set goals for my career and education that before I wasn't able to think about, such as making plans to go back to college Fall of 2018 to complete my Bachelor's degree.

5) Treatment strengthened my confidence.
I was the most anxiety driven person I knew when I started treatment. If I felt scared, I would just not do it, not go there, or stop whatever it was that caused the anxiety. Treatment helped me to identify lies I was believing about other people, the world, and myself. Then, I was able to unpack the lies and get to the truth instead. I was also able to identify where the lies came from originally. The result of all of this has helped me to be a much more confident person in my relationships, my job, and in every day life. If something triggers my anxiety, I'm able to process my way through it and look back later on if it was a accurate fear or not. It has completely transformed my life.

6) Treatment allowed me to get to know the real me.
I was no longer controlled by my obsession with food. I was also no longer letting fears control me. As I learned to process and deal with my emotions in a healthy way, I awakened to a greater sense of self and the person I wanted to be than I ever had before. I also learned that, naturally, I am introverted and so I'm a little bit cautious around others in general. I also was able to identify strengths I didn't even know I had and weaknesses that I let dictate my every day life. As I have identified my weaknesses, I have be able to work them out so that they are not usually destructive and, instead, seek help and guidance when the need arises.

7) Treatment helped me find my voice again.
Boundaries were such a foreign concept before treatment. I could never have the confidence and courage to set them, let alone follow through with them. Treatment helped me see that I am a person who is valuable and should set boundaries around toxic relationships, or even just day-to-day structures with my time, work-life balance, and my own desires. I learned I didn't have to be everything for everybody, or a doormat to those who do not value me as a person. I was able to speak up and say, "No." I was also able to set my own parameters when it came to my interests and hobbies with regards to time management. This is something that was huge for me, especially since I have a complex trauma background. It has been a hard road to get to this point, but it was worth it.

8) Treatment restored my hope.
Anyone who struggles with Binge Eating Disorder will tell you, it is not easy to live your life centered around the binge-eating cycle. I can look back over the years before treatment and I can honestly say I was so hopeless I was just living for the next binge, much like a drug addict would say they were living for the next high. Let me be clear that a binge is not a "cheat" meal, or "a few extra bites" either. Binges are different for everyone, but what sets them apart for the eating disorder classification is that they are high quantities of food consumed in a really short amount of time. My binges were around 10pm-1am and lasted about 1 hour. During my binges, I would consume 1500-3500 calories, which was on top of my very strict 1500 calorie diet during the day. On paper, it looked great because I never ever recorded my binges and never admitted to anyone else they existed. Treatment allowed me to open up this deep, shameful secret to another and restore hope that had been gone for decades. As I worked through my eating disorder struggles, I was able to find a purpose for living again and no longer felt my life was controlled by my eating disorder. This unleashed a powerful hope in me that is so empowering and refreshing. I can actually say I love my life and love being alive.

9) Treatment gave me a heart for others.
I did outpatient group treatment for 16 weeks. It was 3 hours a week and consisted of 1 hour of cognitive behavior therapy, 1 hour of dietician work, and 1 hour of physical therapy. It was also required that we met with our individual therapist weekly for 1 hour and our individual dietician for 30 minutes. I worked with my therapist and dietician three months before and three months after treatment. The whole process was nearly 1 year. During this year, I was able to listen to other people's stories and how their eating disorder affected them. I was able to celebrate their successes, cry with them, and support them. Our group dropped in number from start to finish, but those of us who remained were so thankful we were not alone. It was so helpful to know that others were committed to the group and were trustworthy. I was able to put words to things I never could tell anyone before. My heart grew two sizes because I was able to see past my own fears and struggles in order to support others going through the same thing I was. Now my heart aches for those who are just starting their treatment journey because I know first hand how terrifying that road is. It is worth it to me to share my story in the hopes that others would start their treatment journey so they can one day share their story too.

10) Treatment gave me recovery.
I am fortunate to have come this far. I'm in the recovery relapse prevention phase forever I feel because every day I have to wake up and make a choice to stay recovered. I can't recall a day where I don't have something trigger a binge. I have had moments were I went to bed early because the urge to binge was so strong, if I stayed up I was not sure I could fight it in my fatigue. I have had days were three or four times I was tempted to gave in. On one occasion, I actually went to the grocery store to by food for a binge, only to park my car in the parking lot and call a friend instead. I have been binge-free for 2 years, 8 months, and 30 days (1003 days total). Every day I have had to choose recovery, fight for recovery, and live out recovery. It has not been easy, but I know I would not have gotten this far without treatment and for that I am grateful.