From Where I Sit

I have seen a lot of things by watching others. I think it comes from being the youngest of 8 kids in a very blended family. I tried hard growing up to not repeat what my siblings would get in trouble for, or not do what made my parents angry. In school, I was no different. I can only think of a handful of times I let my teachers down by a conscious choice on my part and each time a part of me died inside. As an adult, I find I still observe people and groups. Instead of figuring out how to please them, I am observing where they are at and how to pray for them.

It is a total perspective shift. A huge part of my story and faith journey has been learning to please God and not man. The approval of man was something I always struggled with until this Abraham Journey began last year. A big lesson for me is realizing I can never fully please a human being, I will let them down and fail at some point. It is also realizing even people I love dearly let me down and have failed me. None of us are perfect and able to live up to perfection. 

I learned a few years ago that, for me, one of the key parts to me developing an eating disorder was this pressure I gave myself to please others and live up to whatever I perceived they wanted me to. Whenever I would fail, I hated myself a little more. The self-hate morphed into this ugly fungus that ate away at me from the inside. The more I failed at pleasing others, the more I hated myself, and the more I fed my eating disorder.

Since moving to Texas, I have experienced language barriers, cultural misunderstandings, embarrassing moments brought on by not knowing Waco, being the new person everywhere, getting lost and having to ask for help to get to locations obvious to locals, and many other failings. I fail some how some way at least every week, if not daily, when it comes to achieving approval from others!! It didn't take long for me to stop crying about it and start laughing about it. From where I sit, this journey has been profitable for teaching me to focus on pleasing God alone. Simply moving away from everything I knew and loved (Minnesota) to move to everything I knew nothing about and kinda hated (Texas) has caused me to make choices daily that are in line with God's desires, as well as my own values and convictions.

Instead of pleasing others out of fear, I am pleasing God and developing a greater understanding of the person I truly am and my identity in Christ. Nothing I do is for my own gain anymore. Instead, I have one God in three persons (Father, Son, & Holy Spirit) I want to please.