Do you ever have a plan you think sounds really good and is clearly something God would want you to accomplish only for it to end differently than you expected? Often times I find these moments so challenging. I used to call these moments dead ends. They would result in me questioning my ability to trust God, my ability to hear Him, and my ability to follow Him. In college, when I was faced with tuition unpaid and a Bachelor's degree incomplete, I sat at that dead end and froze. Looking back, I wish I knew what I know now about God, myself, and pursuing Him on this earth. Then again, I think that dead end season made me who I am today.
When I face a dead end while driving, the first emotion that hits me is anger. I wonder why didn't they post at the start of this path that it was a dead end? The ability to do so is there. It would have made me go a different route entirely! Instead, I am mad that I wasted time and effort going this route only to be turning around right back where I started. Then, the feeling of defeat comes. Usually, I'm lost at this point and I'm so defeated because I don't know where I am or where I'm going--I thought that was the road I was supposed to travel on. Once I get back on the course I'm headed, I feel a sense of relief because I am headed where I was hoping for. Sometimes, I am excited to see a dead end sign because it's a safe road I can turn around in and go backwards and retrace my direction to the turn I missed. Other times, I am excited because they are where I want to end up so I can park safely for a moment in time. Dead end seasons for me are no different, filled with lots of emotions that parallel the driving experience.
Back when I was dealing with my tuition for college, I was so frustrated and upset. I didn't know what else to do other than freeze in place. I didn't know where to go if I turned around and retraced my steps. College was my hope of becoming who I really was and being known for who I really am. School was the worst experience of my life, especially 5th-12th grades. Even now, I cringe when I look back. It was so horrible of an experience that I have decided I don't want to look back and go to class reunions ever again because most of those folks see me as the same person and treat me the exact same way they always have--I can't stand it! Losing college meant looking back to where I came from and it was awful. I sat in that dead end with God a long time.
I questioned my faith deeply at that dead end. I looked at people around me and how things ended up, wondering if I am like them or not. I remember tracing back to all Christians I have ever known and cringing from my memories and asking, "God, if I'm supposed to be like them---there's NO WAY IN HELL that will EVER happen!." Yes, I said exactly that to God. I figured, if He is big enough for the world to be created, He's big enough to handle my brutal honesty even if it's a swear word. I stopped going to church, reading my Bible, listening to Jesus-lover music, and lived like God didn't matter. I never got to the point where I turned my back on my faith and denied God, but I got really close. It shifted when I realized my dead end tent I had made turned into a deep, dark pit of depression and everything that I was dealing with in regards to my PTSD was not getting better. I decided there was time to change and started tolook at my hometown like my college town.
I couldn't believe how I lived somewhere my entire life and knew no one at my new church! It was a God thing. I remember not being known until 3 months later when my folks came to visit since I was on the worship team. There was a line afterwards of men from the church to say hello to my dad. Suddenly, I was known and it made all the difference in the world because I was known for who I really was first. I was finally able to leave the dead end, retrace my steps a bit, and take the proper turn I was supposed to all along. I had a new beginning at that point.
Moving to Texas has been just as amazing as its been challenging. I have learned a lot about myself, about God, and about the direction I want to take going forward since I was in the discipleship school. I have also had a deep awareness of my health and ways I need to take better care of myself. I have been able to develop boundaries where once there were none, or very little. There's been an undercurrent of stress though, deep body-aching stress that often leaves me physically exhausted for a solid day. What ends up being a good thing for me results in a price of physically sleeping. Balancing life in all areas is something I'm learning I simply have to do with my TBI complications that are not going away and with my Dysautonomia Syndrome I was diagnosed with in March.
One of my challenges has been starting over in a new church that has been hard to connect to. It is really hard to have been a part of 3 life groups that have disbanded. When you're just starting out some where it is hard enough to start. I'm branching out for a bit to see what happens.
When it comes to the discipleship school, I have really had amazing things happen. I have been set free from the bondage of death and suicidal idealization that plagued me since the 6th grade, even as a Christian. I have also been giving affirmations about where I am now, where I'm headed, and I know without a doubt I am hearing from God clearer than ever before. I met some great friends the past few months and it has been wonderful to connect with them. However, it's been emotionally and physically trying. I'm tired. The thought of doing this another three months feels and looks daunting to me! Then, there's the piece of tuition that feels and sounds a lot like college did. I don't have the funds for tuition and honestly, even if I got a check for the full amount I don't think I could turn it in and continue on. I'm going to counseling outside of it and I feel like I need to give my all to that route. Doing this would give me 1:1 attention and a much more personal approach to the areas I have left to work on. Because of the health issues, it was already decided I was not going to join the folks on my team to Lebanon as well. As a result of that, I feel a huge release to pursue other options next semester.
So it seems, a few weeks ago I was at a dead end once again. And those doubts and voices I heard in college tried to creep in. Then, I did something I didn't do back then. I prayed. And I wept. And I pleaded with God. I told Him bluntly what I was thinking, "Why the hell am I here?! To get to this point?! Surely, You could have picked a better course for me?!" And He was silent, but hugging me and giving me comfort like only He can do. I went to the Bible and God showed me the verse, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you. Plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE," and I lost it again. "I'm not prospering and I'm hurting---isn't that harming me?! I am on the verge of losing HOPE and I sure as hell don't feel like there's much of a future in Texas, as hot as it is!" Something about that verse that many Christians, including myself tend to overlook, it starts with, "For I KNOW the plans I HAVE for you. . . " I read that and sat on it for a few days. God knows the plans He has for me, not me--I know nothing of the big picture. I only get a portion of the puzzle--a piece at a time. When I get to a dead end, the only thing I can do is retrace my steps to find where I took a wrong turn. God's like my GPS Gary the Garmin. Gary's wife Gretchen guides me by her voice. I can turn the wrong turn and sometimes she'll adjust the course. Other times, she'll turn me around. Other moments she'll say, "GPS unavailable." Here I am thinking I know what God knows and even argued with Him about it! So I did what only I knew to do and said, "I don't know what to do. Show me." And I held onto that verse and sought godly counsel from my mentors.
Mentoring is something I'm very passionate about. It's saved my faith in God and grown me deeper than anything I have ever done. I heard someone say once that a good mentor is twice your age or more and has been a Christian as long as you have or more. This has been the criteria I have used in finding a mentor and I haven't gone looking for the mentor. God's just brought them into my life. My first one was the mother of a girl in high school that was discipling me. My next one was a lady I was a nanny for who says she needed me more in her life than I needed her--she's got no idea! My next one, I met at church. She asked to sit next to me during worship and when I said yes, she squealed, "Great!" Then, sat down--upon my lap. I moved over and she followed me. And we have been attached at the hip ever since, literally at times and figuratively in others. Anyways, I called my mentor, Momma Lisa, and got some amazing clarity. I talked to my former small group leader and my friend, Mindy, and got a lot of affirming words. I talked to my current small group leaders and God really opened my eyes to the bigger picture through them. Then, I prayed some more and God showed me something amazing.
I am stubborn. He's been after me to move to Texas for about 6 years now. And I finally did. I went through a horrible relationship that turned into a failed engagement--my second one. I could have been spared had I just followed God the first time. Instead, He was patient with me. He used that relationship to strengthen my resolve to live my life for Him, even if I'm single the rest of my life. He had to put in front of me something to do for the time being for me to be willing to move. The discipleship school was a conduit God used to move me to Texas. The dead end I thought I saw was just a route I needed to take to get me where I am headed.
Like God does when He gives me clarity, He reminded me of something else. He said in the class a couple months ago: I need to finish my Bachelor's. I hid this desire in my heart when I felt the Lord lead me to Texas because I was moving away from the college I had intended to complete it at. I reached out to the school on a whim last week. I am starting the process of being enrolled to Bethel College, St. Paul, Minnesota in there Adult Program. I will pursue a Bachelor's Degree in Christian Ministry & Human Services (their psychology equivalent). It will be cohort-style and each class is one module at a time per month and 100% online! It is set up so you can work and do the school at the same time! Thank the Lord! Not to mention, it's more than half their traditional college cost and still meets guidelines for federal financial aid. I'm believing and trusting the Lord in this path. There's nothing better than realizing that what I used to call a dead end and respond with paralysis, now is seen as a new direction full of new beginnings. . . and HOPE and a FUTURE, far greater than the plan I originally labeled "God's plan."
This Abraham Journey is really quite like Abe's was. I am reminded of Genesis 12 and 20, when Abe tells a half-truth about his wife. She was his half-sister and his wife--something I can't image since I have 5 half-brothers and never saw either of them as desirable husbands for myself! Anyways, Abe's ignorance led him to think telling this half-truth would result in safety of his wife. In the end, BOTH TIMES, the leader of the region sent for Sarah with the intention of marrying her. God had mercy and ended up moving through the leaders miraculously to stop the plans of marriage. Then, as Abe and Sarah were kicked out, they were given so much more than what they had had--left rich and full of even more! I am believing that my journey will be no different. God is going to bless this next chapter of my journey. I know I won't be rich monetarily, but I will be blessed beyond what I deserve and that makes me thankful.
I'm excited to be on My Abraham Journey with God!
When I face a dead end while driving, the first emotion that hits me is anger. I wonder why didn't they post at the start of this path that it was a dead end? The ability to do so is there. It would have made me go a different route entirely! Instead, I am mad that I wasted time and effort going this route only to be turning around right back where I started. Then, the feeling of defeat comes. Usually, I'm lost at this point and I'm so defeated because I don't know where I am or where I'm going--I thought that was the road I was supposed to travel on. Once I get back on the course I'm headed, I feel a sense of relief because I am headed where I was hoping for. Sometimes, I am excited to see a dead end sign because it's a safe road I can turn around in and go backwards and retrace my direction to the turn I missed. Other times, I am excited because they are where I want to end up so I can park safely for a moment in time. Dead end seasons for me are no different, filled with lots of emotions that parallel the driving experience.
Back when I was dealing with my tuition for college, I was so frustrated and upset. I didn't know what else to do other than freeze in place. I didn't know where to go if I turned around and retraced my steps. College was my hope of becoming who I really was and being known for who I really am. School was the worst experience of my life, especially 5th-12th grades. Even now, I cringe when I look back. It was so horrible of an experience that I have decided I don't want to look back and go to class reunions ever again because most of those folks see me as the same person and treat me the exact same way they always have--I can't stand it! Losing college meant looking back to where I came from and it was awful. I sat in that dead end with God a long time.
I questioned my faith deeply at that dead end. I looked at people around me and how things ended up, wondering if I am like them or not. I remember tracing back to all Christians I have ever known and cringing from my memories and asking, "God, if I'm supposed to be like them---there's NO WAY IN HELL that will EVER happen!." Yes, I said exactly that to God. I figured, if He is big enough for the world to be created, He's big enough to handle my brutal honesty even if it's a swear word. I stopped going to church, reading my Bible, listening to Jesus-lover music, and lived like God didn't matter. I never got to the point where I turned my back on my faith and denied God, but I got really close. It shifted when I realized my dead end tent I had made turned into a deep, dark pit of depression and everything that I was dealing with in regards to my PTSD was not getting better. I decided there was time to change and started tolook at my hometown like my college town.
I couldn't believe how I lived somewhere my entire life and knew no one at my new church! It was a God thing. I remember not being known until 3 months later when my folks came to visit since I was on the worship team. There was a line afterwards of men from the church to say hello to my dad. Suddenly, I was known and it made all the difference in the world because I was known for who I really was first. I was finally able to leave the dead end, retrace my steps a bit, and take the proper turn I was supposed to all along. I had a new beginning at that point.
Moving to Texas has been just as amazing as its been challenging. I have learned a lot about myself, about God, and about the direction I want to take going forward since I was in the discipleship school. I have also had a deep awareness of my health and ways I need to take better care of myself. I have been able to develop boundaries where once there were none, or very little. There's been an undercurrent of stress though, deep body-aching stress that often leaves me physically exhausted for a solid day. What ends up being a good thing for me results in a price of physically sleeping. Balancing life in all areas is something I'm learning I simply have to do with my TBI complications that are not going away and with my Dysautonomia Syndrome I was diagnosed with in March.
One of my challenges has been starting over in a new church that has been hard to connect to. It is really hard to have been a part of 3 life groups that have disbanded. When you're just starting out some where it is hard enough to start. I'm branching out for a bit to see what happens.
When it comes to the discipleship school, I have really had amazing things happen. I have been set free from the bondage of death and suicidal idealization that plagued me since the 6th grade, even as a Christian. I have also been giving affirmations about where I am now, where I'm headed, and I know without a doubt I am hearing from God clearer than ever before. I met some great friends the past few months and it has been wonderful to connect with them. However, it's been emotionally and physically trying. I'm tired. The thought of doing this another three months feels and looks daunting to me! Then, there's the piece of tuition that feels and sounds a lot like college did. I don't have the funds for tuition and honestly, even if I got a check for the full amount I don't think I could turn it in and continue on. I'm going to counseling outside of it and I feel like I need to give my all to that route. Doing this would give me 1:1 attention and a much more personal approach to the areas I have left to work on. Because of the health issues, it was already decided I was not going to join the folks on my team to Lebanon as well. As a result of that, I feel a huge release to pursue other options next semester.
So it seems, a few weeks ago I was at a dead end once again. And those doubts and voices I heard in college tried to creep in. Then, I did something I didn't do back then. I prayed. And I wept. And I pleaded with God. I told Him bluntly what I was thinking, "Why the hell am I here?! To get to this point?! Surely, You could have picked a better course for me?!" And He was silent, but hugging me and giving me comfort like only He can do. I went to the Bible and God showed me the verse, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you. Plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE," and I lost it again. "I'm not prospering and I'm hurting---isn't that harming me?! I am on the verge of losing HOPE and I sure as hell don't feel like there's much of a future in Texas, as hot as it is!" Something about that verse that many Christians, including myself tend to overlook, it starts with, "For I KNOW the plans I HAVE for you. . . " I read that and sat on it for a few days. God knows the plans He has for me, not me--I know nothing of the big picture. I only get a portion of the puzzle--a piece at a time. When I get to a dead end, the only thing I can do is retrace my steps to find where I took a wrong turn. God's like my GPS Gary the Garmin. Gary's wife Gretchen guides me by her voice. I can turn the wrong turn and sometimes she'll adjust the course. Other times, she'll turn me around. Other moments she'll say, "GPS unavailable." Here I am thinking I know what God knows and even argued with Him about it! So I did what only I knew to do and said, "I don't know what to do. Show me." And I held onto that verse and sought godly counsel from my mentors.
Mentoring is something I'm very passionate about. It's saved my faith in God and grown me deeper than anything I have ever done. I heard someone say once that a good mentor is twice your age or more and has been a Christian as long as you have or more. This has been the criteria I have used in finding a mentor and I haven't gone looking for the mentor. God's just brought them into my life. My first one was the mother of a girl in high school that was discipling me. My next one was a lady I was a nanny for who says she needed me more in her life than I needed her--she's got no idea! My next one, I met at church. She asked to sit next to me during worship and when I said yes, she squealed, "Great!" Then, sat down--upon my lap. I moved over and she followed me. And we have been attached at the hip ever since, literally at times and figuratively in others. Anyways, I called my mentor, Momma Lisa, and got some amazing clarity. I talked to my former small group leader and my friend, Mindy, and got a lot of affirming words. I talked to my current small group leaders and God really opened my eyes to the bigger picture through them. Then, I prayed some more and God showed me something amazing.
I am stubborn. He's been after me to move to Texas for about 6 years now. And I finally did. I went through a horrible relationship that turned into a failed engagement--my second one. I could have been spared had I just followed God the first time. Instead, He was patient with me. He used that relationship to strengthen my resolve to live my life for Him, even if I'm single the rest of my life. He had to put in front of me something to do for the time being for me to be willing to move. The discipleship school was a conduit God used to move me to Texas. The dead end I thought I saw was just a route I needed to take to get me where I am headed.
Like God does when He gives me clarity, He reminded me of something else. He said in the class a couple months ago: I need to finish my Bachelor's. I hid this desire in my heart when I felt the Lord lead me to Texas because I was moving away from the college I had intended to complete it at. I reached out to the school on a whim last week. I am starting the process of being enrolled to Bethel College, St. Paul, Minnesota in there Adult Program. I will pursue a Bachelor's Degree in Christian Ministry & Human Services (their psychology equivalent). It will be cohort-style and each class is one module at a time per month and 100% online! It is set up so you can work and do the school at the same time! Thank the Lord! Not to mention, it's more than half their traditional college cost and still meets guidelines for federal financial aid. I'm believing and trusting the Lord in this path. There's nothing better than realizing that what I used to call a dead end and respond with paralysis, now is seen as a new direction full of new beginnings. . . and HOPE and a FUTURE, far greater than the plan I originally labeled "God's plan."
This Abraham Journey is really quite like Abe's was. I am reminded of Genesis 12 and 20, when Abe tells a half-truth about his wife. She was his half-sister and his wife--something I can't image since I have 5 half-brothers and never saw either of them as desirable husbands for myself! Anyways, Abe's ignorance led him to think telling this half-truth would result in safety of his wife. In the end, BOTH TIMES, the leader of the region sent for Sarah with the intention of marrying her. God had mercy and ended up moving through the leaders miraculously to stop the plans of marriage. Then, as Abe and Sarah were kicked out, they were given so much more than what they had had--left rich and full of even more! I am believing that my journey will be no different. God is going to bless this next chapter of my journey. I know I won't be rich monetarily, but I will be blessed beyond what I deserve and that makes me thankful.
I'm excited to be on My Abraham Journey with God!
