Every year, God gives me a word to guide me. I start the process after advent begins and the new year starts. This year, I really thought it would be something much more like "discipline," but He led me to brave. I had meant to write about it so much sooner, but I never came here to do so. And around the time I did, there was more and more unraveling in daily life that I was being challenged in. It's been six months with this word guiding me, and I had to record what God's been doing.
Last year my word was transform. Brave really has fit well to be a word following transformation. The goals I have made in January have been in a multitude of areas from standing in my true self, to goals for my future, and to continue to grow and transform. My worship song has been "You Make Me Brave" by Bethel Music. It's funny because worship has been a huge part of my year, continually being one way I feel connected, renewed, and stepping forward. My verse for the year has been Ephesians 6:10, "Be strong in the Lord and in His Mighty Power." These have all been guideposts along the journey this year, which has been so crazy.
In January, there was an end of a serving opportunity. I was surprised, but allowed God to work through this. I was shown that my yes in August was a reminder of my gifting and not to be complacent in using my gifts. I also stepped up instead of being asked to serve, which is totally opposite my personality. When this ended in January, I was confused at first and kept asking God why. And true to the way God speaks to me, He just smiled and reminded me that He has a perfect plan beyond I can imagine. There were also work struggles that happened in December that highlighted health struggles. I went to the doctor and was put on a medication that, a week later, landed me in the emergency room with a severe, potentially critical & fatal, allergic reaction. It was surprising because it was a medication I had taken previously decades ago and was a small dose. Every doctor I saw for the month of January from ER, primary, cardiologist, pharmacist and ob/gyn had the same response. It was shock, met with affirmation that if I hadn't gone to the ER and stopped the med immediately, I likely would have died, and I'm the healthiest I have ever been in my life now. I dealt with a season of anxiety that had me really calling out to God and battling for Truth to reign over my mind. It was part spiritual warfare and part biological response to the medications I was on, including the med I reacted to. During this time, I would step into brave with worship and praying in the Spirit because I didn't know what to say. God led me to start declaring, "At my lowest: God is my HOPE. At my darkest: God is my LIGHT. At my weakest: God is my STRENGTH. At my saddest: God is my COMFORTER. I also started taking the time to cultivate rest and what that looks like. For me, this connected to working on creating weekly. Creating regularly helps me to self-care and feel a renewal of energy. I've been thankful for this reminder that has been helping my year.
In February, God showed me the deepest form of His love by sending me snow. My roommate and I ran outside in our pajamas and acted like kids for a solid 30 minutes! I made the smallest snowman of my life, but it was a snowman and it brought me so much joy! I made plans to visit friends from my hometown this summer. This trip to Fairmont, MN will be the first trip there since I moved in 2015! There's a lot of travel precautions and things, but I'm excited to see people I love and have been able to stay connected to since I moved. This was also the month that God led me to join Canadians in celebrating Family Day. God has brought me to my tribe, which is my family. It runs beyond blood and deep into souls I sojourn with because we choose to love one another and be connected deeper than blood. It also includes my sisters, which has been a gift as well. God also highlighted the need to love myself and be myself. This is one of my goals this year, so it was not surprising 2 months into #brave2020 that I was faced with embracing myself more and learning my identity in Christ. I also have been facing my inner mean girl, self-accusatory statements that align with Satan, and working on renewing my mind. This has been a challenge, but it's one I have been thankful for.
In March, just before the world pandemic, God reminded me to pay attention to the fruit of the Spirit and what I'm sowing in the Spirit, especially in the field of my mind & the field of my behavior. God also led me to cultivate gratitude daily, which I have been doing since Texas went into quarantine mode March 16. During the pandemic process, I am intentionally sharing these daily five gifts as Instagram stories. It has helped me not to forget that gratitude transcends the hard feelings and anchors us in the solid ground. I also got an undercut hairstyle, which is something I have always wanted to do well before it was okay for a woman to do without being thought of as less feminine, or rebellious. I have always had a more fluid approach in how I dressed when it came to my femininity. As a kid, I had a solid decade of being more tomboy with my style than feminine. In college, I slowly embraced the feminine side with the help of a shopping spree with my lawyer sister. She told me, “I want to treat you for your birthday to new clothes. My one requirement is someone other than you has to approve the outfit. Myself, the salesperson....whomever.” So I said yes, to my birthday present. The favorite outfit of mine was a floral and paisley top with ruffles and a plunge neckline that I paired with a khaki skirt with shorts sewn underneath it. Neither would have ever been my pick because of three things I avoided before this shopping trip: 1) I got boobs. And honestly, even a t-shirt can’t conceal them. However, until this day I thought I had to try to emasculate my physique for the sake of modesty and not over-exaggerating their already enormous appearance. 2) I have thick thighs and hate shaving my legs. It’s not because of poor hygiene. I am plus-size, my belly is in the way, and my thighs are all of 23 inches so it turns into an aerobic and stretch exercise combined with core strengthening so as to avoid a broken hip or cracked skull while having fallen in the shower. Could you imagine the sight of me naked on my flooded bathroom floor unable to move and telling the paramedics to help me finish shaving the other thigh?! God forbid you are unevenly shaved, even in an emergency! But I wore that outfit as much as possible and shaved my legs more than I ever did prior because I felt beautiful in that ensemble. I have never felt as beautiful in an outfit prior to this except for my flower girl dress I wore at age 5 for my brother Brian’s first wedding and my Junior Prom dress. I wasn’t against wearing dresses when the occasion demanded it, but I had been against flaunting my body just because it was easily seen to be feminine at a quick glance. Being part Mexican, I had boobs sooner than I knew what puberty was, thick thighs at birth, and curves everywhere else—plus-size or not. I hated my body from the beginning of puberty and started slowly hiding the feminine physique. A few months later, it all spiraled down further when becoming a child who was sexually abused. Once that started, I mistakenly blamed my body as enticing and causing this devilman to torture me for five years. By the time the five years ended, I had a full eating disorder that caused my weight to balloon. My highest weight was 395 pounds and even then, I was afraid my body would bring unsolicited, harmful men into my life. The desire to first get an undercut came when my first engagement ended. Josh was gay and used our relationship as a cover so that all his family and friends wouldn’t judge him. And all I heard was my body wasn’t enough for him to find me attractive. I started dreaming of shaving my hair, dyeing it purple, and buying a men’s tux at a men’s store simply because I have always wanted to. I love wearing pants and it would be really cool to be dressed for a special occasion and not have to shave my legs! I also had long, thick untamed curly hair I never knew what to do with until 2019. All this hair is HOT no matter the weather!!! This was early 2000s when all the Christian circles were very much endorsing the belief being a girl or woman meant you had to be as feminine as possible. Well, the tomboy in me since a young child has always found this very annoying and silly. I am me. I am a woman. Who cares what I wear day to day? Besides, what could be more modest than pants forever?! I mean, anyone in a high school choir or band could tell you how stressful a dress or skirt is. You have to stand or sit a certain way to maintain your modesty when on a stage. But if we all just wore pants, the performance would be so much better for the audience as well. They would be hearing music and not seeing people. The band, or the choir would be one just like our sounds. Well, I decided for #brave2020 to do something I always wanted to and get an undercut. It just turns out I have a friend who is a hairstylist and barber! I booked my first appointment at a men’s barbershop and got the undercut of my Pinterest dreams! I have since gone back for another 3 months later. This is the first hairstyle I have been able to afford keeping. Everything else was once a year! For Christmas, I am considering buying myself a nice pantsuit because, why the hell not?! I would rock it with my undercut I think!
In April, my two week nanny adventure morphed into 49 days and the entire month of April. Due to the pandemic my friends asked me to help them with childcare. It was a no-brainer and I moved in the first weekend of the quarantine order in Waco. I didn’t move out until the first week of May. All of April I was loving kids who were not mine and surrounded by the most loving family I have ever met. My friends were not perfect, I was not perfect, and the kids didn’t behave perfectly either but it truly was perfect. It was as perfect as my four years of life in Arkansas were growing up. In those four years, while dysfunction junction continued I had friends, soared in school, and was the happiest I remember ever being. God used this little family to show me I had closed my heart off to love in all forms—friends, community, romantically. I was only capable of existing. They have become some of my dearest friends I never knew I needed and for that I’m grateful!
In May, I returned to my apartment and focused on my goals for 2020. I read more books, found a workout I loved, and realized that my Abraham Journey also includes my healing journey. This is something I have kept separate from this blog because I didn’t know it was okay to share all of me one this report of running away with Jesus to Waco. Honestly, while still ironing out my next leg of this journey, I realized God brought me here to heal and to grow. Isn’t that life? Always growing, always healing, and always becoming the best version of ourselves? You can expect more entries going forward, many of which will include my healing journey experiences as much as my spiritual.
And now we are in June. June has been hard. I have had to set boundaries in relationships which feels more clunky than smooth. I have friends disappear, even ghosting me entirely. I tried Bumble only to be reminded by God after the worst date of all worst dates that I don’t do online dating for a reason. Then, I found the cancel button. I found the cancel button to folks who don’t accept me for who I am, the cancel button for those who judge me for being a Christian, and the cancel button for those who refuse to allow differences of opinion without hatred, judgmental actions and words. My friends list on Facebook is well under 300 again and my Instagram is full of happy people who don’t ignore the imploding USA headlines, but who don’t post attacking, projecting rants to others disguised as facts either. I have started the summer book reading challenge at the local library, which is something I never desired to do as a kid! I’m so excited to be able to read and get prizes for it! I am also getting ready to go on my first adult vacation. My vacation will be in Minnesota! One week in my hometown, one week in Bemidji, and one week in the Twin Cities—the trifecta of my life’s existence. I’m excited and thankful for the chance to visit my friends and not have any guilt for being an adult on vacation. There’s some specific #brave2020 things I will be doing while I’m there. They will have their own blog posts, so I will withhold them for now.
These first six months have been challenging. Yet I know for a fact I am nothing like the person I was on 12/31/2019. Before #brave2020, I was a whole other person. I am thankful for this year. I am thankful for the person I am becoming and I can’t wait to see who I am on December 31, 2020.
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