Breathe In; Breathe Out.

Do not be anxious or worried about anything, 

but in everything [every circumstance and situation] 

by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, 

continue to make your [specific] requests known to God.  

And the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace] 

 which transcends all understanding, 

[that peace which] stands guard over your hearts

 and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours].  

~ Philippians 4:6-7 (AMP) ~

Life is hard to live. 

Let that revelation sink in for a moment. Have you ever felt the heaviness, weightiness life brings? Many people have not, which I will call them beyond blessed. For many others, you know exactly what I am saying. 

Years ago, as a kid, I remember believing my life was not worth living. I was a ninth grader and a vast majority who knew me in my tiny small town in Minnesota had no idea what I felt inside. A few decades later, I no longer deal with suicidal ideation or even significant amounts of depression, but life is still hard to live some days. 

In my present life, there's a lot going on and most of it is a story that is not mine to tell. Instead, it will be documented in my private journal to be read long after I'm gone by a family member I don't yet have; perhaps a daughter who becomes amazed at what all I really did in life that I never admitted to her. What is going on though is a constant reminder to me that life is as hard as it is worth living to the fullest.

Many people are fortunate to have someone believe in them and the person they could become. I remember being asked in high school, who my favorite teacher was. Mr. Cody is still my favorite teacher and he is now a principal in North Dakota of all places. The reason he remains my favorite teacher is because he believed in me and set me on the course of not giving up when life was hard to live. Who was that for you? Who would say you are that person for them? I believe everyone should have someone who believes in them, even if the cards are stacked against them--and believe me, for some, the cards are stacked like a skyscraper.

Right now, I'm heading into unfamiliar territory. I have not ever really filled this role before. I dreamt last night I was starring in a play for the very first time. It was opening night and I was so nervous, I couldn't eat supper. Here I was at a buffet table full of everything I loved and no ability to enjoy any of it. I woke up amused at how our brains process our life's happenings even while we're sleeping, seemingly dead to the world.

I was once in a small group for a period of time in my hometown in Minnesota. We were a hodge-podge of young adults who believed in Jesus and wanted to grow deeper. We had roots in Catholicism, Evangelical Covenant, Methodist, Non-Denominational, Lutheran, and a nice sprinkling of Evangelical Free as far as our denominational make-up went. Our meetings were as imperfect as they were impactful to my own spiritual journey. We studied this book that went through various spiritual disciplines; things like labyrinths, Bible reading plans, prayer, and other things. We took different turns leading these discussions. I recall one that really has helped me live life when it is so hard.

My friend, Logan, covered a section on prayer. One of the methods of prayer he shared was breathing Scripture. Taking a verse to meditate on and pray through and into your life, while also breathing purposefully. It sounds odd at first and is a bit awkward to do in a group, but once you master the technique in your private devotional time, it can be so freeing. It reminds me of learning to meditate or various breathing exercises I was taught in treatment to help refocus my mind. Instead of tapping into the modern new age movement, I tap into my Christian faith and use the Bible to give me a solid focus. Finding my "inner self" or my "zen" or even my "universe" does not sound as reliable to me as the Truth of God's Word.

Lately, I have spent some time practicing breathing Scripture with Philippians 4:6-7. And it goes something like this:

 

Do not **breathe in** 

be anxious or worried about anything, **breathe out**

but in everything  ** breathe in** 

[every circumstance and situation] **breathe out**

by prayer **breathe in** 

and petition **breathe out** 

with thanksgiving, **breathe in**

continue **breathe out** 

to make your [specific] requests known to God.  **breathe in**

And the peace of God**breathe out**

 [that peace which reassures the heart **breathe in**, 

that peace], which transcends all understanding, **breathe out**

[that peace which] stands guard over your hearts **breathe in**

 and your minds **breathe out** 

in Christ Jesus **breathe in**

 [is yours].  **breathe out**

It is so simple, yet so powerful. And it helps me know that this life is not up to me to master. This life is not up to me to conquer. And this life is not for me to figure out alone, in my head. And when life is the hardest, I don't have to have it all figured out. And, for the sake of deepest honesty, I don't have to have all my ducks in a row, shit together, or even be the master of adulting. I just need to live life one step at a time, breathing in and out slowly.

Guideposts, Confirmation, and Direction

I often wonder what the Bible doesn't tell us about Abraham's journey; the journey my life parallels. I wonder if the desert had signs of others having gone on a journey. The Oregon Trail was a similar journey and one that was critical in American history. There were always guideposts and markers along the way, the help people know they were still on the Oregon Trail. There were trading posts at critical distances that would be able to supply food, clothes, blankets, and repairs for the wagons. Some had medical doctors too. Often times while traveling, a couple of strong men from the traveling group (which was anywhere from 3-8 families or more) would go ahead on horseback and double check the trail and clear it for the wagons to pass through. It wasn't uncommon for trees to be down in the way, or any other hazards. In some cases, the men would move ahead several days and reach the posts to get food if the group was low and then leave the food along the trail. Abraham didn't have these luxuries. He went to "a land [God] will show [him]" and he packed up his family, animals, and possessions and traveled on his journey. He had no map, no guideposts, and no testimony of people who had traveled to this land before him. It was an unwritten journey, unique to Abe. Abe had to trust God for everything and to be everything he needed. God was his guideposts, his map, his trading post to provide needs for the journey, and his compass. My Abraham journey has been quite similar.

Right now a guidepost appeared the past three weeks in the form of 10 people, 6 of whom were complete strangers when I met them. Three of them I was prompted to share a word of encouragement from God to them. Each time the word from God was EXACTLY what was needed to encourage them to move forward. Each person told me, "What?! I don't even know you and what you said was something I have been questioning and wondering about! How did you know?! God really spoke to me!" Six of the people are desiring going to church together after being away for awhile, or struggle to go alone. Some are even interested in coming to life group with me, a few already have. This is a guidepost for me because it confirms to me that I need to be in Waco. It confirms to me that right now I am where I am supposed to be. I shared in a previous post how easy it can be to doubt that you're where you're supposed to be, or question if you heard God correctly and discerned appropriately what He was saying. Well, sharing words of encouragement with strangers will get you out of your comfort zone really fast. When they are blown away that a stranger they have never met has a word for them and the word is spot on, it is an encouragement for them and a confirmation for you; a confirmation that you do hear and discern the Lord CLEARLY! I needed this guidepost.

Direction in the future continues to be an important thing, especially since the lease for my apartment is up June 1st. While it is nine months away and a lot can happen between now and then, it is important to prepare for the next leg in the journey. My intention is to have Southwest Assemblies of God University in Waxahachie, TX be my next leg. Right now the timing is up in the air--next year is preferred. On/off campus? On campus/online? There's so many options and I'm trying hard to move forward in little steps of obedience so that God will continue to bring clarity.

" 'For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,'  says the Lord, 'plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call on Me and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear [your voice] and I will listen to you. Then, [with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital necessity] and [you will] find me when you search for Me with all your heart.' " ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13 [AMP] ~

August: The Silent-Blog Month

Well, I can't believe I didn't post anything in August, and very little in July. I came here so many times and nothing sounded right, or much more than me rambling.

August was a depression-filled month honestly. There was no reason, other than just general loneliness that creeps in once in awhile. I think it was also hard because I had 3 migraines in July, but 8 in August! Chronic Migraine is a hard thing to live with! It is also frustrating when I have gone months before July without very many migraines. The thought of going back on a medicine to reduce them is there, but I was hoping my brain was past that. I started realizing in August what was triggering them and that also added to the depression feelings. 

I finally found a life group that I feel a part of and connected to. In fact, I have found two. I go to one Sunday nights when my work schedule has allowed me to, which has been hit-or-miss this summer. My main one meets on Tuesday nights. This is the one with my discipleship group also. It has taken me forever to finally have a small group again. It took even longer to not feel like I was imposing on friends, or watching people who are incredibly close just interact. Gosh, I am so sick of being new in church environments!! Then, one day at church it happened: a migraine aura started.

At first, I just thought my eyes were tired. But when I shut them, it got worse really fast. My aura started with dots forming in my vision, very faintly. Then, when I shut my eyes and opened them, the dots started dancing. It didn't occur to me until the dots changed colors that I knew what the problem was: lighting during worship.

The church I first attended, took a brief break from, and returned to on Easter has a new building since May. It is amazing--it was built 100% debt-free in 4 years! I love it all. Except the lighting. They added state-of-the-art lighting that is equivalent to concert lighting. There is a reason ever since my car accident I have been no longer going to live concerts: lighting effects mess with my brain too much and increase my migraines. Here I was at church of all places getting a lighting-induced migraine!! 

I spent money on sunglasses and a hat. Then, wore them to church. I looked like I was hiding from the security team and off-duty police at church! I thought it would decrease my migraines, but it didn't have any affect. I finally had to make another decision: church vs migraines. Naturally, I decided to send out emails which to date I haven't even received an acknowledgement of, let alone a reply. 

I started brainstorming my options with the traumatic brain injury group I'm a part of on Facebook. One person said to hide in the nursing mothers room during worship, but that's way too far away and only accessible to people who have a child or volunteer in kid's ministry for security reasons. Another person suggested sitting in the foyer for the service, but the one day I tried that, people were too loud and destructing I couldn't hear the sermon, so I just left. Another said to just watch the sermon online, but then it would be like I don't go to the church at all and not have any sort of corporate worship, which I love and need. 

After lots of praying and migraines, I am trying hard to find a way to worship and go to church. I'm trying to not give up.

Another reason August was silent was God was working on me. There is a lot going on in my logos365 "goals" year, so much growth which is painful. Sometimes it is hard to know what to say here as a result. My Abraham Journey is still going on, but sometimes the desert is tough. Sometimes I found myself asking, "What the hell are you doing here in Texas of all places, Emily?!" (Just being honest!) I wonder if Abraham would have kept a journal as he traveled "to the land where God would show him" what would be in it? Or Sarah's journal? Did they have moments of wondering what on earth they were doing? No, not doubts, but moments of disbelief that they were really where they were and confusion on how they got there at the same time. 19 months ago, I knew the first stop on my Abraham journey was Waco, Texas. Now I know my next stop on my Abraham journey is Waxahachie, Texas and I still have no idea how I will land there, but I know God is faithful. 

Even in the silent month of August, I still wrote. My journal entries were multiple pages each day I'd write in it. I even wrote a couple poems. My Instagram posts were more raw and honest than they ever have been before. I think I needed the silent month here to reflect on what is ahead and what will soon be behind.

Sometimes silence brings more growth than words can bring understanding. 

Love

One thing I have been working on understanding is the Love from God, the Father heart of God, to me. It really is an amazing concept and I am convinced it will take my whole life on earth to just "kinda" understand it more. It certainly has made me think about love an awful lot.

Unconditional love is rather foreign to me. Simply put, I was raised with conditions to everything, either spoken or not, so I easily assumed love also came with conditions. I believed this so much, that I became a person who loved conditionally as well. In high school and early college years, my anger would show up and mean the person I was angry at was unloveable. I drove so many people away. I am ashamed to admit I prolly hurt  a lot of people in those years than any other time in my life to date. And then, I realized God's love is unconditional. 

When you finally understand God loves unconditionally, it changes you and how you love others. Suddenly, my anger became less of an automatic response. Overtime, I stopped carrying grudges because I was able to quickly and easily forgive. Eventually, it became easier to love people for their potential than be bitter at them for their present offenses against me. Gone was my contempt and instead, grace and mercy ran freely.

A few weeks ago, I got to gather with family and witness the wedding of one of my nephews. There we were, a blended hodge-podge, with four blended families present to celebrate on the grooms side. Something struck me later about how beautiful love is that it brings people together, even in the most difficult of circumstances. Yet, in the midst of all of it, I saw and felt consequences of a blended family as well. I grew up with mothers present that weren't mine, aunts present that weren't my sisters, and even drew my family hedge in second grade (my teacher thought I didn't understand the assignment of a family tree). I thought it was normal, so when I met friends in high school that had one set of parents and their own siblings, my mind was blown. I realized my normal was actually a dysfunction to some. In Family & Consumer Science class in high school, it was discussed amongst my peers and teacher why divorce is bad, you shouldn't marry someone from a divorced family, and how society is making something okay that for centuries was not a good thing. I will never forget the message that sent my mind: I am undesirable to have as a wife, daughter-in-law, or additional family member. What I wasn't told was how love restores.

You see, within my undesirable family dynamics are siblings I wouldn't have if love wasn't restored. I wouldn't have an entire generation of nieces and nephews of love hadn't been restored. I wouldn't exist if love was left in pieces. 

And lately, I am realizing love needs to be restored. I'm sick of the division in my country that says there's a side or race card to pick. I'm sick of assumptions getting attention before facts. I'm sick of a nation divided politically where no progress is made on anything. I'm sick of people refusing to love and, instead holding grudges. I'm sick of people choosing to disown family as a way of coping with offenses that are just too hard to face. I'm sick of people being ostriches and denying what is before them. All of this shows we lack love as a country.

People are complaining about "ALL LIVES MATTER" and saying those that say it miss the point of what is going on in my country. What if we loved because ALL lives matter; they all equally matter to God? What if we woke up and lived our lives by being loving to everyone? I know it is impossible, but if everyone tried everyday we would have a lot less issues. 

And I realized something else when my nephew got married a few weeks ago. 

Love is beautiful. When you see it, it takes your breath away and gives you butterflies. When you experience it, it overwhelms your soul. When you live it, it changes you.

So even though people are in my life that don't deserve it, I try to love them. I get rejected and even treated like I am dead to them, but I still try to love back. It hurts to choose to love because it is the hardest choice you could make. And this is what I realized.... America has a choice to make. Love or hate. If we keep choosing hate, we will destroy ourselves before any country has a chance to drop a nuclear bomb. In fact, hatred is a self-inflicted nuclear bomb. 

Reflection in the Mirror

When I stand in front of a mirror of any kind I struggle. I always have. I don't even own a mirror because of it. There's lots of reasons why. One of them is because I am face-to-face with myself. Today is one of those times I feel similarly.  My birthday is tomorrow and I turn 35. It is amazing to think that in 35 more years I will be 70. This thought hit me a couple weeks ago and it got me thinking and reflecting upon that image looking back at me in the mirror. I asked myself some questions that I want to share the answers to.

WHAT DO YOU WANT YOUR NEXT 35 YEARS TO LOOK LIKE?

This is an interesting thought because I normally don't think about my future. I have never really been a goal-setter or a dreamer. This question took me several days and in the end I came up with one simple word to fit everything: Love. I want my next 35 years to look like love. I want them to look like I love God. I want them took look like I love myself as a child of God. I hope they will look like I'm in romantic love, but it is not necessary. I long for them to look like I love children, whether or not I have my own. I want them to look like I love others as much as God does. I want them to look like I love my friends, with no strings attached. I want them to look like I love my family, whether they choose to love me back or not--I want to show them and teach them what unconditional love can be like.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAVE ACCOMPLISHED IN THE NEXT 35 YEARS?

This was another difficult question. It took a few days for me to really consider this. The first thing that came to mind is a conversation I had with God in November. My next step in life is to finish my college degree. Since November, God has clarified the path He wants me to take and it isn't a path that will be easy. I feel a pastoral calling, which has been there since I was a kid. No one else has really known it because I don't publish my sermons I write, but they're on my computer and my flash drive. This passion is also driven from discipling others over the years. I love guiding someone to a clearer understanding of what they believe, or spurring them on to a greater depth with Jesus. I have a huge heart for women, families, kids, and the deeply hurting. While this was not my first thought, God has certainly called it out in me over the past 3 years, along with roughly 15 people. So what I want to accomplish is pretty specific: a pastoral ministry position of some sort. Definitely not a senior pastoral role, but there's many other potential areas. In order for this to happen, college must be on the horizon. There's a couple in mind and I'm moving forward in the process at both to see what doors God opens or shuts. Right now it will be 2017 that I start, but not sure of the Spring or the Fall. God knows the details!

WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE 35 YEARS FROM NOW?

Man! The hardest question ever! I still am not 100% sure I have the answer for this, but I think I have a good start. I want to be someone known for her pursuit of Jesus before any other achievements. I would love to have loved ones fight over who gets my Bible when I'm gone! I want to be a woman who finally mastered her eating disorder and body image struggles and wrote a book all about it! I want to be someone who is joyful in the aging process, even if I have no clue who I am or where I am. I want to smile and laugh and make my caretakers want to be around me. I want to be thriving inspite of all the crap I went through in my life. In fact, I want people to be shocked when they hear pieces of what I have overcome because of how God has redeemed all the junk. 

These were hard questions, but necessary ones. This Abraham Journey I have been on has been very interesting and surprising!

I Saw Cement

A few days ago, I was leaving a friends house. It was really muggy and humid and I think the sudden change of climate shocked my system. A few seconds after leaving, I passed out going down the stairs outside her apartment. I came to seeing only cement! Thankfully I was with another friend and didn't land face first! I only have a huge bruise on my left shin!

It really got me thinking about times we fall and hit rock bottom. My first rock bottom was junior high when I thought dying was the best answer and had no desire to live. I attempted suicide three times in one week as a ninth grader. 

My other rock bottom was my sophomore year of college when my post-traumatic stress disorder took over and kept me from being able to continue in college. There was a dark four years where I had to fight to survive my past and step into a thriving life as an adult. It was not easy.

My last rock bottom was my second failed engagement. This guy was someone I thought I would truly love forever and who was as in love. In less than a month after we broke up, he started dating someone else. It was three years that I felt like were such a waste and left me so confused and hurt. It took a solid year to forgive him and let go. Now I have awakened into a reality of understanding God's love for me and the Father heart of God so much that I no longer crave a relationship with someone like I used to. Sure, I would love to be married, but I am so confident in God's love for me that it satisfies places no man ever could. I would love to be a wife and a mother, but I have a purpose as a single woman that I will never get back when those purposes do. 

This Abraham Journey has also had moments of bottom-dwelling. However, there has not been a single rock bottom experience because I continue to follow the Fatjer's will. When it has been hard and I have been tempted to run away, I have let God sustain me. When it has been terrifying and I start to question why I am here, I quickly think of all the good that has come from this journey. Sometimes I see cement, but most of the time I see blessings.

Laying my Isaac Down

This Abraham Journey has really been a crazy parallel to Abe's real story. Specifically, I have been thinking a lot about his desire to have a son and an heir, but for decades was unable to. Then, he was given a promise and prophesy from God that sounded too good to be true, even his wife laughed when she heard it. Then, against all odds it came to pass. Only to be followed some years later by a crazy request of God to sue the unthinkable: sacrifice the son. He and his boy go up and before it could happen, a beautiful, spotless lamb appears to be used instead. It was meant to be a testing of Abe's faith and obedience to God, something Abe needed to know about himself--that He was indeed faithful. It was also something Abe needed to know about God---He keeps His promises. And it was something the world needed to see--God  has provided a perfect lamb, once and for all: Jesus. It really is one of my favorite Old Testament stories. 

Here I am in Waco, Texas and I can see a parallel in a lot of ways. 

A few decades ago, a group of friends and I were at my apartment in Fairmont and we were talking about the Holy Spirit. We were a hodge-podge group made up of a former atheist, a former catholic, a Pentecostal, and a former Lutheran. We were studying the book of Acts and one of us asked about speaking in tongues. The conversation led to myself and another friend being prayed over and receiving the gift of tongues. We then started praying over each other and giving each other words of encouragement and prophesy. A friend, Corey, said to me: 

"Truth will mark you. You are a woman of Truth. You couldn't lie if your life depended on it and others hate that about you so much, and God smiles. You will carry that Truth to the world. Not as a career, but as a gift to others. When God says, 'Go,' be ready to give the gift of Truth to them."

Here I was last Tuesday night at Lifegroup listening to my Lifegroup leader's testimony and I remembered that word from my friend. It was a word I had forgotten about that was given to me in 2007.

Later, in 2008, I was given the opportunity to go on a mission trip to Mexico. I was excited and expecting a lot of amazing things to happen, but my passport application was never received and I was unable to go. I cried about it, but in my tears God said, "I love your willingness. I wanted you to know the insider information of this trip so you could pray more effectively." So I was a prayer partner for my friends and they had an amazing time. A week later, I got my application file back in the mail from the post office. It was marked: "address unknown" even though the address was correct. 

Fast forward a few years later. My friend Katie and I were talking about The Lords  Resistance Army and Invisible Children and she said, "It is my dream to go there to Uganda and work with children coming out of that situation." I looked at her and said, "Let's make it happen. I'd love to go with you." Eventually, the trip was happening and we were starting our fundraising efforts. When, once again, my passport application was lost. This time it was not only lost, but I never received anything back in the mail to this day. I prayed for my team, but I also got some backlash from some would-be-supporters who told me, "This never happens. You're making up everything. There was never a trip." I was so offended and hurt, so I cried again to God. He told me, "It is not your job to answer to others. You don't need to worry about them, or defend yourself. I will deal with them. You need to pray effectively for your team again. This is what I wanted you to do. And I wanted you to be willing to go even if the place was not a guarantee of safety. I wanted to know you trusted me." Praying for that trip and my team was amazing. My friends had an amazing time. And I resolved with God from that day forward I would bring willing to go anywhere He was calling me to.

Then, I came to Texas. I was gonna do the Night Discipleship School but my work schedule changed last minute. I decided to do the Day Discipleship School instead, not knowing anything about it. I ended up biting off more than I could chew and stopped after the first semester. My team went to Lebanon for 3 weeks and just got back yesterday. The  idea of going to Lebanon for Syrian Refugee Relief was exciting to me. I was thrilled to go and over the moon excited for what God was gonna do. In September, I sent my passport application in for a third time. I made sure I did everything correct and even paid for tracking on the envelope. The post office double checked everything and said it was taking folks 4-6 weeks and not to worry. By November, I still had not gotten my passport. Instead, I received a letter all the Day School staff members had never seen. Apparently, the passport people watch Texas applications very meticulously and questioned my identity and requested 5-10 documents proving long-term identity of myself. Every item had to be 5 years old or more.  I called them and they were supposed to call me back. I never received a call. 

After leaving the discipleship school, I have been continuing to pray for my team. In March, God put my team heavy on my heart. He told me I was not only to pray for them, but fast for them while they were gone. My team left three weeks ago and just got back yesterday. The past three weeks was not easy to fast from something I love, and I did have two occasions of failure, but there was something that came out of the past three weeks. Connection with God and intercessory prayer that felt powerful. Prayer changes so much, even countries away. God showed me that, by having to stay behind, again I was given a chance to pray more effectively. He said, "I will use this team in ways they won't believe. You need to fight for them in prayer." That was all I needed!!! Haha! When God says to you "You need to fight for them in prayer," ya do it!! 

In April, I got an email from the passport people that my passport was received and they were starting the processing procedures. I was told it was taking 4-6 weeks right now. I was so surprised, I had long expected to be denied, especially since I never got a call back from them. I called the number in the email and it ended up being a direct phone number to the El Paso, TX Passport Agency Office. This really nice lady explained everything. Apparently, they have strict guidelines they have to follow in Texas due to identity theft and an increase of false records. As a result they strictly follow a rule that any identification sent in with the passport application needs to have been issued over 1 year before the date of the passport application. I sent in my new Texas Driver's License I had just gotten in February, 7 months prior to the date on my application. I asked her what I could do, as I didn't have a lot of what was requested of me to send in the letter. She told me to gather up 10-15 items from as far back as possible to prove my long-term identity. She said I could send in pictures of them to her direct email to quicken the processing procedures! 

It is now nearly 9 months since I sent my passport application in. It is 4.5 weeks since I emailed the lady all my photos. I have so many friends going on trips to Engage the Crisis of Syrian Refugees. My original team has left and come back. And I am praying for a third time in my life for my passport to come. 

Today, I found myself bargaining with God as I was praying for friends who just landed in Europe: "If you give me my passport, I will go back and finish. I will do Night Discipleship School. I can't think of a reason not to go. And I will go anywhere You call me to. I just want to share Your Truth as a gift to the world." And then, I remembered my friend, Corey's words, "and God smiles."

My passport is still not here. But I am trusting God's plan for my life. I'm laying my Isaac down and trusting He is faithful.