Recently, I picked up a book I had been reading as part of my counseling journey. You may have heard of it, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown? Well, if not, you need to get a copy. For almost a year I have been slowly digesting this book. Today I opened up to the next chapter and caught my breath: "Exploring the Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough." Not a powerful chapter at all, right?!
It's been awhile, again, since I've written anything here. Sometimes I get all caught up in my thoughts, start writing, and it turns into pointless ramblings. The past five attempts have gone this way, but today feels so different. Today I feel inspired and hope-full.
When there's an end to something I once thought was going to be longer, I tend to become discouraged. I naturally listen to the lies in my head and second guess everything. When Day School ended, there was this part of me that felt like my Abraham Journey was ending and it was silly to keep writing here. Then, I realized an important thing . . .
A journey never ends. It may change directions, taking a sharp, surprising turn and it may go down a steep incline into a dark, gloomy valley but it never really ends. Even for Abe, his journey never really ended. During the course of his life, when his bride died, he hit a dark, gloomy valley. He took time to "mourn and weep for her" it says in Genesis 23. Then, when he had a proper tomb for his bride, he refocused on getting a proper wife for his son. It sounds pretty normal to some, but it gets me thinking often: What is the next chapter here? Then, I realized my answer.
Plans change all the time in life. We all have journeys that start or end, sometimes predictably and sometimes suddenly. I have a friend going through this right now as she's changing jobs. I have a cousin who's wife is birthing right this very moment the third baby they didn't see coming. I have a group of friends from Day School on a mission trip to Lebanon this very moment doing Syrian Refugee relief, something I was going to do in April until plans changed. What I glean from these journeys is that nothing ends completely. Time cannot be stopped after all, even if we were to try. Just like a really good book, the most important chapter is always the next one.
So here I am, actually enjoying my job as a Home Health Aide with no college degree. Here I am, laughing, crying, arguing, and bantering with my roommate that's more like a sister. Here I stand being viewed by some negatively, but for the first time I know I did something right even if others disagree. Here I am looking at the next chapter and I'm overwhelmed sometimes at the thought of turning the page. Like there's a title attached to it that stops me, takes my breath away, and in that moment I have a choice . . . to put the book down and walk away, or swallow really hard and find the courage to continue on. I think right now, I want to continue on so I'm gonna swallow really hard and take that deep, fulfilling breath.
I'm still clearly settled on most of my next chapter. I'm going to finish my college degree at Bethel University, taking classes online in the Adult Higher Education program. By 40, I plan to have a B.A. in Christian Ministry & Human Services. It feels scary and exciting at the same time. I have a few steps to check off before this can happen, so I'm doing what I can to move forward and cross off those steps. One thing is for sure, I feel incredibly motivated.
Another thing brewing inside is a book or two that's dying to get out and onto paper. I never really took the time to consider what that would look like, but I'm willing to take a chance. Maybe there's nothing more than a blog with hidden followers, much like this one, but even so there's still a purpose with whatever gets written. And with each post here comes another, and another--no single one is as important as the next one. Much like your favorite television series makes you binge watch on Netflix, there's something inside that just needs to know the answer: What will happen next? How will this journey go? Will this ever end?
My journey is still unfolding, even for me. Day School brought me down this path to Texas. Now I'm where I need to be and where I have wanted to be which is at a place in my life where the next chapter is far greater and more beautiful than the one before. "Turn the page, read on," I tell myself as I invite you to do the same.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Resisting Apathy
I can be very passionate about things. Using the R word will make me go off on you and rant about every person having value. Make a joke about schizophrenia, bipolar, or any other mental illness and I will go into another rant and correct your ignorant ways. Spend time talking about the Bible, about cats, or even about art and we will talk for hours. I have it in me to care, but sometimes I just don't.
I tend to not care about me the most. I am not sure when it started and I don't know that it is something to be proud of, and I am not saying this pridefully. In Christian circles you hear our focus should be Jesus-Others-You and you have JOY. I'm saying mine is more Jesus-Others-Your momma-Your wants-Your needs-and-You. Never once have I ever recognized that you is supposed to be me. I am so dead last in my radar that things get compromised.
Recently, my T and I talked about how as I enter the world of feeling and dealing with emotions, I have this desire to sleep them off and not engage them. I told her, "I know that's not the answer. I want to engage with life." And I remembered later, the prayer I had once that I would be someone who resists apathy....that's it!!! The light bulb went off in my mind.
How do I resist something I have done my whole life? I am still not sure, but I have made a few small changes that I hope in the course of a year will make a difference. They are the following:
1) Make an effort to food journal daily. This is just so I know what I am eating and also ensure I get my 3 meals and 3 snacks in. Maybe then I can avoid the old ways of eating mindlessly.
2) I also need to use my planner. I forget stuff all the time since my car accident...bills, dr appointments, and meeting someone. This will hopefully make me more intentional and have a better follow through rate.
3) Complete my activities of daily living every day. ADLs are routine tasks you do every day. Most people don't have to think about them. I do. I have to decide some days to get out of bed for example.
These are just small ways I want to not be apathetic. I would love to wake up and be just as passionate about budgeting as I am about being crafty. It isn't gonna happen. But at least I can care a little more than I normally would about my life and myself and my welfare.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Logos365 2015: Complete
I started 2015 with my Logos365 word from www.his-kingdom-come.com and it was an amazing journey. I wanted to take the time to reflect upon my Logos365 word for 2015, along with my year. My word was complete.
I can honestly say I don't have any disappointments with my year. I have never been able to say that before, but I think it's an accomplishment to look back at an entire year without regrets.
2015 was the first year in my entire life I can say I lived an entire year binge free and in the recovered/relapse prevention stage of my eating disorder. It is also the first year that I lost weight overall since my treatment journey began. This is very encouraging to be and serves as a symbol of overcoming one of the hardest things I have ever had to overcome in my life.
I don't know that I really excelled in many areas last year. I started out with a lot of expectations, but in the end I think I excelled in areas that mattered the most. I have revamped my personal prayer journal binder, completely updated with current pictures of my family members that I pray for. I also can say I have grown deeply in my walk with God. I didn't expect for such a depth in my faith and didn't expect to understand in one year the concept of being "completely connected to God" in such away that I breathe it in and exhale it every day.
I did have some failings this year. I didn't completely follow through on my letter writing goals. I really struggle with follow through on letters. I have an insane habit of writing them, but never sending them. Sometimes I even think I sent them in, only to find them months later. I even attempted to have a pen pal, but failed to write her a single letter. Maybe I can complete that this year?
God led me to my word, complete. I believed this was the year of completion for me, and it truly was in many areas. I was able to completely set boundaries with some toxic people in my life and actually follow through. I was able to be completely convicted with my personal ethics and values when a job I was working for compromised them and I quit. I also was able to be completely surrendered to my move to Texas, even if I miss Minnesota so much. Above all, I feel like PTSD recovery is truly complete. I also find my struggle with depression, that I have had since 6th grade, is also complete. God did so much work in me and through me in each of the completed areas.
When I think about who I was pre-2015, I can't recognize myself in the mirror. I was so confused, so afraid, and so depressed. Now, I can look back at that Emily and smile. I have grown so much and evolved into someone I am starting to love.
When I think about an entire year devoted to one word developing and shaping you, it sounds really crazy. However, this has been a transformational year for me. I never expected one year to bring so much clarity, growth, focus, and vision to my life. I can say I am proud of my 2015 self and all that she overcame.
One way that God used my word in my every day life was to give me encouragement from an Elder of my church who said, "This is the year of complete healing for you. God is finishing the work He started." It was such a defining moment for me, such an amazing revelation of my word colliding with my deepest need in life. I have held onto that word on the tough days when I feel like I'm paralyzed, snuggled up in my fuzzy blanket, crying my eyes out. It's got me through so much!
Here's my Top 10 Lessons of 2015:
10. Don't be afraid to support your guy friends. Speak encouragement into their life. Don't be afraid to tell them you love them, are proud of them, and you believe in them. They need to hear it from a woman, especially when there's no hidden meaning or hidden expectation of being in a relationship.
9. Embrace being a single woman who is not afraid to do life solo. Go out to eat, the movies, a dream date experience without the man, and don't be afraid to be alone. Embrace it. Get used to it. Until you do, you will never be able to be a stable girlfriend.
8. Set boundaries. Enforce them. Uphold them. And enact consequences when others cross them. It is necessary and healthy to do this. You do not have to feel guilty for loving yourself and protecting yourself. Even Jesus had boundaries.
7. Surrender to the feelings you are having. Ride the wave of each emotion you're experiencing, completely. It is far better to do this than to numb out. Numbing out isn't a selective ability. You can't numb out certain emotions. Instead, you numb out every single emotion.
6. Don't be afraid to become a complete, wholehearted individual. The process getting there is hard, messy, and scary but the journey is completely worth it.
5. Sometimes the best way to step into who you really are is to move to an entirely new place where no one knows you, no one knows your past, no one knows your family, and no one has prejudgements based upon gossip they heard about you.
4. If you meet a girl at a small group from church who is hilarious, supportive, and understands every single word you say--move in with her. I'm 2 for 2 on this and met my seester-BFF this year.
3. Take every chance you get to hang out with family that supports you and makes you life.
2. Don't be afraid to giggle-snort every single day.
1. Surrender to the need to completely understand, control, and fix your life. It's just not worth the stress.
I can honestly say I don't have any disappointments with my year. I have never been able to say that before, but I think it's an accomplishment to look back at an entire year without regrets.
2015 was the first year in my entire life I can say I lived an entire year binge free and in the recovered/relapse prevention stage of my eating disorder. It is also the first year that I lost weight overall since my treatment journey began. This is very encouraging to be and serves as a symbol of overcoming one of the hardest things I have ever had to overcome in my life.
I don't know that I really excelled in many areas last year. I started out with a lot of expectations, but in the end I think I excelled in areas that mattered the most. I have revamped my personal prayer journal binder, completely updated with current pictures of my family members that I pray for. I also can say I have grown deeply in my walk with God. I didn't expect for such a depth in my faith and didn't expect to understand in one year the concept of being "completely connected to God" in such away that I breathe it in and exhale it every day.
I did have some failings this year. I didn't completely follow through on my letter writing goals. I really struggle with follow through on letters. I have an insane habit of writing them, but never sending them. Sometimes I even think I sent them in, only to find them months later. I even attempted to have a pen pal, but failed to write her a single letter. Maybe I can complete that this year?
God led me to my word, complete. I believed this was the year of completion for me, and it truly was in many areas. I was able to completely set boundaries with some toxic people in my life and actually follow through. I was able to be completely convicted with my personal ethics and values when a job I was working for compromised them and I quit. I also was able to be completely surrendered to my move to Texas, even if I miss Minnesota so much. Above all, I feel like PTSD recovery is truly complete. I also find my struggle with depression, that I have had since 6th grade, is also complete. God did so much work in me and through me in each of the completed areas.
When I think about who I was pre-2015, I can't recognize myself in the mirror. I was so confused, so afraid, and so depressed. Now, I can look back at that Emily and smile. I have grown so much and evolved into someone I am starting to love.
When I think about an entire year devoted to one word developing and shaping you, it sounds really crazy. However, this has been a transformational year for me. I never expected one year to bring so much clarity, growth, focus, and vision to my life. I can say I am proud of my 2015 self and all that she overcame.
One way that God used my word in my every day life was to give me encouragement from an Elder of my church who said, "This is the year of complete healing for you. God is finishing the work He started." It was such a defining moment for me, such an amazing revelation of my word colliding with my deepest need in life. I have held onto that word on the tough days when I feel like I'm paralyzed, snuggled up in my fuzzy blanket, crying my eyes out. It's got me through so much!
Here's my Top 10 Lessons of 2015:
10. Don't be afraid to support your guy friends. Speak encouragement into their life. Don't be afraid to tell them you love them, are proud of them, and you believe in them. They need to hear it from a woman, especially when there's no hidden meaning or hidden expectation of being in a relationship.
9. Embrace being a single woman who is not afraid to do life solo. Go out to eat, the movies, a dream date experience without the man, and don't be afraid to be alone. Embrace it. Get used to it. Until you do, you will never be able to be a stable girlfriend.
8. Set boundaries. Enforce them. Uphold them. And enact consequences when others cross them. It is necessary and healthy to do this. You do not have to feel guilty for loving yourself and protecting yourself. Even Jesus had boundaries.
7. Surrender to the feelings you are having. Ride the wave of each emotion you're experiencing, completely. It is far better to do this than to numb out. Numbing out isn't a selective ability. You can't numb out certain emotions. Instead, you numb out every single emotion.
6. Don't be afraid to become a complete, wholehearted individual. The process getting there is hard, messy, and scary but the journey is completely worth it.
5. Sometimes the best way to step into who you really are is to move to an entirely new place where no one knows you, no one knows your past, no one knows your family, and no one has prejudgements based upon gossip they heard about you.
4. If you meet a girl at a small group from church who is hilarious, supportive, and understands every single word you say--move in with her. I'm 2 for 2 on this and met my seester-BFF this year.
3. Take every chance you get to hang out with family that supports you and makes you life.
2. Don't be afraid to giggle-snort every single day.
1. Surrender to the need to completely understand, control, and fix your life. It's just not worth the stress.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Dead Ends and New Beginnings
Actual Post Date: 12/24/15
Do you ever have a plan you think sounds really good and is clearly something God would want you to accomplish only for it to end differently than you expected? Often times I find these moments so challenging. I used to call these moments dead ends. They would result in me questioning my ability to trust God, my ability to hear Him, and my ability to follow Him. In college, when I was faced with tuition unpaid and a Bachelor's degree incomplete, I sat at that dead end and froze. Looking back, I wish I knew what I know now about God, myself, and pursuing Him on this earth. Then again, I think that dead end season made me who I am today.
When I face a dead end while driving, the first emotion that hits me is anger. I wonder why didn't they post at the start of this path that it was a dead end? The ability to do so is there. It would have made me go a different route entirely! Instead, I am mad that I wasted time and effort going this route only to be turning around right back where I started. Then, the feeling of defeat comes. Usually, I'm lost at this point and I'm so defeated because I don't know where I am or where I'm going--I thought that was the road I was supposed to travel on. Once I get back on the course I'm headed, I feel a sense of relief because I am headed where I was hoping for. Sometimes, I am excited to see a dead end sign because it's a safe road I can turn around in and go backwards and retrace my direction to the turn I missed. Other times, I am excited because they are where I want to end up so I can park safely for a moment in time. Dead end seasons for me are no different, filled with lots of emotions that parallel the driving experience.
Back when I was dealing with my tuition for college, I was so frustrated and upset. I didn't know what else to do other than freeze in place. I didn't know where to go if I turned around and retraced my steps. College was my hope of becoming who I really was and being known for who I really am. School was the worst experience of my life, especially 5th-12th grades. Even now, I cringe when I look back. It was so horrible of an experience that I have decided I don't want to look back and go to class reunions ever again because most of those folks see me as the same person and treat me the exact same way they always have--I can't stand it! Losing college meant looking back to where I came from and it was awful. I sat in that dead end with God a long time.
I questioned my faith deeply at that dead end. I looked at people around me and how things ended up, wondering if I am like them or not. I remember tracing back to all Christians I have ever known and cringing from my memories and asking, "God, if I'm supposed to be like them---there's NO WAY IN HELL that will EVER happen!." Yes, I said exactly that to God. I figured, if He is big enough for the world to be created, He's big enough to handle my brutal honesty even if it's a swear word. I stopped going to church, reading my Bible, listening to Jesus-lover music, and lived like God didn't matter. I never got to the point where I turned my back on my faith and denied God, but I got really close. It shifted when I realized my dead end tent I had made turned into a deep, dark pit of depression and everything that I was dealing with in regards to my PTSD was not getting better. I decided there was time to change and started tolook at my hometown like my college town.
I couldn't believe how I lived somewhere my entire life and knew no one at my new church! It was a God thing. I remember not being known until 3 months later when my folks came to visit since I was on the worship team. There was a line afterwards of men from the church to say hello to my dad. Suddenly, I was known and it made all the difference in the world because I was known for who I really was first. I was finally able to leave the dead end, retrace my steps a bit, and take the proper turn I was supposed to all along. I had a new beginning at that point.
Moving to Texas has been just as amazing as its been challenging. I have learned a lot about myself, about God, and about the direction I want to take going forward since I was in the discipleship school. I have also had a deep awareness of my health and ways I need to take better care of myself. I have been able to develop boundaries where once there were none, or very little. There's been an undercurrent of stress though, deep body-aching stress that often leaves me physically exhausted for a solid day. What ends up being a good thing for me results in a price of physically sleeping. Balancing life in all areas is something I'm learning I simply have to do with my TBI complications that are not going away and with my Dysautonomia Syndrome I was diagnosed with in March.
One of my challenges has been starting over in a new church that has been hard to connect to. It is really hard to have been a part of 3 life groups that have disbanded. When you're just starting out some where it is hard enough to start. I'm branching out for a bit to see what happens.
When it comes to the discipleship school, I have really had amazing things happen. I have been set free from the bondage of death and suicidal idealization that plagued me since the 6th grade, even as a Christian. I have also been giving affirmations about where I am now, where I'm headed, and I know without a doubt I am hearing from God clearer than ever before. I met some great friends the past few months and it has been wonderful to connect with them. However, it's been emotionally and physically trying. I'm tired. The thought of doing this another three months feels and looks daunting to me! Then, there's the piece of tuition that feels and sounds a lot like college did. I don't have the funds for tuition and honestly, even if I got a check for the full amount I don't think I could turn it in and continue on. I'm going to counseling outside of it and I feel like I need to give my all to that route. Doing this would give me 1:1 attention and a much more personal approach to the areas I have left to work on. Because of the health issues, it was already decided I was not going to join the folks on my team to Lebanon as well. As a result of that, I feel a huge release to pursue other options next semester.
So it seems, a few weeks ago I was at a dead end once again. And those doubts and voices I heard in college tried to creep in. Then, I did something I didn't do back then. I prayed. And I wept. And I pleaded with God. I told Him bluntly what I was thinking, "Why the hell am I here?! To get to this point?! Surely, You could have picked a better course for me?!" And He was silent, but hugging me and giving me comfort like only He can do. I went to the Bible and God showed me the verse, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you. Plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE," and I lost it again. "I'm not prospering and I'm hurting---isn't that harming me?! I am on the verge of losing HOPE and I sure as hell don't feel like there's much of a future in Texas, as hot as it is!" Something about that verse that many Christians, including myself tend to overlook, it starts with, "For I KNOW the plans I HAVE for you. . . " I read that and sat on it for a few days. God knows the plans He has for me, not me--I know nothing of the big picture. I only get a portion of the puzzle--a piece at a time. When I get to a dead end, the only thing I can do is retrace my steps to find where I took a wrong turn. God's like my GPS Gary the Garmin. Gary's wife Gretchen guides me by her voice. I can turn the wrong turn and sometimes she'll adjust the course. Other times, she'll turn me around. Other moments she'll say, "GPS unavailable." Here I am thinking I know what God knows and even argued with Him about it! So I did what only I knew to do and said, "I don't know what to do. Show me." And I held onto that verse and sought godly counsel from my mentors.
Mentoring is something I'm very passionate about. It's saved my faith in God and grown me deeper than anything I have ever done. I heard someone say once that a good mentor is twice your age or more and has been a Christian as long as you have or more. This has been the criteria I have used in finding a mentor and I haven't gone looking for the mentor. God's just brought them into my life. My first one was the mother of a girl in high school that was discipling me. My next one was a lady I was a nanny for who says she needed me more in her life than I needed her--she's got no idea! My next one, I met at church. She asked to sit next to me during worship and when I said yes, she squealed, "Great!" Then, sat down--upon my lap. I moved over and she followed me. And we have been attached at the hip ever since, literally at times and figuratively in others. Anyways, I called my mentor, Momma Lisa, and got some amazing clarity. I talked to my former small group leader and my friend, Mindy, and got a lot of affirming words. I talked to my current small group leaders and God really opened my eyes to the bigger picture through them. Then, I prayed some more and God showed me something amazing.
I am stubborn. He's been after me to move to Texas for about 6 years now. And I finally did. I went through a horrible relationship that turned into a failed engagement--my second one. I could have been spared had I just followed God the first time. Instead, He was patient with me. He used that relationship to strengthen my resolve to live my life for Him, even if I'm single the rest of my life. He had to put in front of me something to do for the time being for me to be willing to move. The discipleship school was a conduit God used to move me to Texas. The dead end I thought I saw was just a route I needed to take to get me where I am headed.
Like God does when He gives me clarity, He reminded me of something else. He said in the class a couple months ago: I need to finish my Bachelor's. I hid this desire in my heart when I felt the Lord lead me to Texas because I was moving away from the college I had intended to complete it at. I reached out to the school on a whim last week. I am starting the process of being enrolled to Bethel College, St. Paul, Minnesota in there Adult Program. I will pursue a Bachelor's Degree in Christian Ministry & Human Services (their psychology equivalent). It will be cohort-style and each class is one module at a time per month and 100% online! It is set up so you can work and do the school at the same time! Thank the Lord! Not to mention, it's more than half their traditional college cost and still meets guidelines for federal financial aid. I'm believing and trusting the Lord in this path. There's nothing better than realizing that what I used to call a dead end and respond with paralysis, now is seen as a new direction full of new beginnings. . . and HOPE and a FUTURE, far greater than the plan I originally labeled "God's plan."
This Abraham Journey is really quite like Abe's was. I am reminded of Genesis 12 and 20, when Abe tells a half-truth about his wife. She was his half-sister and his wife--something I can't image since I have 5 half-brothers and never saw either of them as desirable husbands for myself! Anyways, Abe's ignorance led him to think telling this half-truth would result in safety of his wife. In the end, BOTH TIMES, the leader of the region sent for Sarah with the intention of marrying her. God had mercy and ended up moving through the leaders miraculously to stop the plans of marriage. Then, as Abe and Sarah were kicked out, they were given so much more than what they had had--left rich and full of even more! I am believing that my journey will be no different. God is going to bless this next chapter of my journey. I know I won't be rich monetarily, but I will be blessed beyond what I deserve and that makes me thankful.
I'm excited to be on My Abraham Journey with God!
When I face a dead end while driving, the first emotion that hits me is anger. I wonder why didn't they post at the start of this path that it was a dead end? The ability to do so is there. It would have made me go a different route entirely! Instead, I am mad that I wasted time and effort going this route only to be turning around right back where I started. Then, the feeling of defeat comes. Usually, I'm lost at this point and I'm so defeated because I don't know where I am or where I'm going--I thought that was the road I was supposed to travel on. Once I get back on the course I'm headed, I feel a sense of relief because I am headed where I was hoping for. Sometimes, I am excited to see a dead end sign because it's a safe road I can turn around in and go backwards and retrace my direction to the turn I missed. Other times, I am excited because they are where I want to end up so I can park safely for a moment in time. Dead end seasons for me are no different, filled with lots of emotions that parallel the driving experience.
Back when I was dealing with my tuition for college, I was so frustrated and upset. I didn't know what else to do other than freeze in place. I didn't know where to go if I turned around and retraced my steps. College was my hope of becoming who I really was and being known for who I really am. School was the worst experience of my life, especially 5th-12th grades. Even now, I cringe when I look back. It was so horrible of an experience that I have decided I don't want to look back and go to class reunions ever again because most of those folks see me as the same person and treat me the exact same way they always have--I can't stand it! Losing college meant looking back to where I came from and it was awful. I sat in that dead end with God a long time.
I questioned my faith deeply at that dead end. I looked at people around me and how things ended up, wondering if I am like them or not. I remember tracing back to all Christians I have ever known and cringing from my memories and asking, "God, if I'm supposed to be like them---there's NO WAY IN HELL that will EVER happen!." Yes, I said exactly that to God. I figured, if He is big enough for the world to be created, He's big enough to handle my brutal honesty even if it's a swear word. I stopped going to church, reading my Bible, listening to Jesus-lover music, and lived like God didn't matter. I never got to the point where I turned my back on my faith and denied God, but I got really close. It shifted when I realized my dead end tent I had made turned into a deep, dark pit of depression and everything that I was dealing with in regards to my PTSD was not getting better. I decided there was time to change and started tolook at my hometown like my college town.
I couldn't believe how I lived somewhere my entire life and knew no one at my new church! It was a God thing. I remember not being known until 3 months later when my folks came to visit since I was on the worship team. There was a line afterwards of men from the church to say hello to my dad. Suddenly, I was known and it made all the difference in the world because I was known for who I really was first. I was finally able to leave the dead end, retrace my steps a bit, and take the proper turn I was supposed to all along. I had a new beginning at that point.
Moving to Texas has been just as amazing as its been challenging. I have learned a lot about myself, about God, and about the direction I want to take going forward since I was in the discipleship school. I have also had a deep awareness of my health and ways I need to take better care of myself. I have been able to develop boundaries where once there were none, or very little. There's been an undercurrent of stress though, deep body-aching stress that often leaves me physically exhausted for a solid day. What ends up being a good thing for me results in a price of physically sleeping. Balancing life in all areas is something I'm learning I simply have to do with my TBI complications that are not going away and with my Dysautonomia Syndrome I was diagnosed with in March.
One of my challenges has been starting over in a new church that has been hard to connect to. It is really hard to have been a part of 3 life groups that have disbanded. When you're just starting out some where it is hard enough to start. I'm branching out for a bit to see what happens.
When it comes to the discipleship school, I have really had amazing things happen. I have been set free from the bondage of death and suicidal idealization that plagued me since the 6th grade, even as a Christian. I have also been giving affirmations about where I am now, where I'm headed, and I know without a doubt I am hearing from God clearer than ever before. I met some great friends the past few months and it has been wonderful to connect with them. However, it's been emotionally and physically trying. I'm tired. The thought of doing this another three months feels and looks daunting to me! Then, there's the piece of tuition that feels and sounds a lot like college did. I don't have the funds for tuition and honestly, even if I got a check for the full amount I don't think I could turn it in and continue on. I'm going to counseling outside of it and I feel like I need to give my all to that route. Doing this would give me 1:1 attention and a much more personal approach to the areas I have left to work on. Because of the health issues, it was already decided I was not going to join the folks on my team to Lebanon as well. As a result of that, I feel a huge release to pursue other options next semester.
So it seems, a few weeks ago I was at a dead end once again. And those doubts and voices I heard in college tried to creep in. Then, I did something I didn't do back then. I prayed. And I wept. And I pleaded with God. I told Him bluntly what I was thinking, "Why the hell am I here?! To get to this point?! Surely, You could have picked a better course for me?!" And He was silent, but hugging me and giving me comfort like only He can do. I went to the Bible and God showed me the verse, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you. Plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE," and I lost it again. "I'm not prospering and I'm hurting---isn't that harming me?! I am on the verge of losing HOPE and I sure as hell don't feel like there's much of a future in Texas, as hot as it is!" Something about that verse that many Christians, including myself tend to overlook, it starts with, "For I KNOW the plans I HAVE for you. . . " I read that and sat on it for a few days. God knows the plans He has for me, not me--I know nothing of the big picture. I only get a portion of the puzzle--a piece at a time. When I get to a dead end, the only thing I can do is retrace my steps to find where I took a wrong turn. God's like my GPS Gary the Garmin. Gary's wife Gretchen guides me by her voice. I can turn the wrong turn and sometimes she'll adjust the course. Other times, she'll turn me around. Other moments she'll say, "GPS unavailable." Here I am thinking I know what God knows and even argued with Him about it! So I did what only I knew to do and said, "I don't know what to do. Show me." And I held onto that verse and sought godly counsel from my mentors.
Mentoring is something I'm very passionate about. It's saved my faith in God and grown me deeper than anything I have ever done. I heard someone say once that a good mentor is twice your age or more and has been a Christian as long as you have or more. This has been the criteria I have used in finding a mentor and I haven't gone looking for the mentor. God's just brought them into my life. My first one was the mother of a girl in high school that was discipling me. My next one was a lady I was a nanny for who says she needed me more in her life than I needed her--she's got no idea! My next one, I met at church. She asked to sit next to me during worship and when I said yes, she squealed, "Great!" Then, sat down--upon my lap. I moved over and she followed me. And we have been attached at the hip ever since, literally at times and figuratively in others. Anyways, I called my mentor, Momma Lisa, and got some amazing clarity. I talked to my former small group leader and my friend, Mindy, and got a lot of affirming words. I talked to my current small group leaders and God really opened my eyes to the bigger picture through them. Then, I prayed some more and God showed me something amazing.
I am stubborn. He's been after me to move to Texas for about 6 years now. And I finally did. I went through a horrible relationship that turned into a failed engagement--my second one. I could have been spared had I just followed God the first time. Instead, He was patient with me. He used that relationship to strengthen my resolve to live my life for Him, even if I'm single the rest of my life. He had to put in front of me something to do for the time being for me to be willing to move. The discipleship school was a conduit God used to move me to Texas. The dead end I thought I saw was just a route I needed to take to get me where I am headed.
Like God does when He gives me clarity, He reminded me of something else. He said in the class a couple months ago: I need to finish my Bachelor's. I hid this desire in my heart when I felt the Lord lead me to Texas because I was moving away from the college I had intended to complete it at. I reached out to the school on a whim last week. I am starting the process of being enrolled to Bethel College, St. Paul, Minnesota in there Adult Program. I will pursue a Bachelor's Degree in Christian Ministry & Human Services (their psychology equivalent). It will be cohort-style and each class is one module at a time per month and 100% online! It is set up so you can work and do the school at the same time! Thank the Lord! Not to mention, it's more than half their traditional college cost and still meets guidelines for federal financial aid. I'm believing and trusting the Lord in this path. There's nothing better than realizing that what I used to call a dead end and respond with paralysis, now is seen as a new direction full of new beginnings. . . and HOPE and a FUTURE, far greater than the plan I originally labeled "God's plan."
This Abraham Journey is really quite like Abe's was. I am reminded of Genesis 12 and 20, when Abe tells a half-truth about his wife. She was his half-sister and his wife--something I can't image since I have 5 half-brothers and never saw either of them as desirable husbands for myself! Anyways, Abe's ignorance led him to think telling this half-truth would result in safety of his wife. In the end, BOTH TIMES, the leader of the region sent for Sarah with the intention of marrying her. God had mercy and ended up moving through the leaders miraculously to stop the plans of marriage. Then, as Abe and Sarah were kicked out, they were given so much more than what they had had--left rich and full of even more! I am believing that my journey will be no different. God is going to bless this next chapter of my journey. I know I won't be rich monetarily, but I will be blessed beyond what I deserve and that makes me thankful.
I'm excited to be on My Abraham Journey with God!
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
My Journal Entry
Today I'm doing something a little bit different. I'm gonna let you into a secret place of mine, one that is a favorite of mine--my journal. I have several journals right now, which to some may sound obsessive and, I suppose, that could be accurate. I am convinced I am addicted to journaling!
Currently, I have three journals: one is my "Listening Journal" which I started during the Discipleship School this year. It is a result of a speaker who talked about having conversations with God and actually recording them to hold onto later. I love it. God's words are in an orange pen right now and they hold some sweet, precious words that I love. I also have a "normal, everyday journal" which is where I write whatever is going on in my life, take sermon notes, take notes on my Life Group gatherings, or anything else for that matter. My last journal is my "Father Heart of God Journal" which is something I started in June 2016. The pastor at my church, Pastor Jimmy, preached a sermon that was life changing for me. It got me realizing how important it is to understand the Father God is. Here's the sermon: Father's Day Sermon
I started my Father Heart of God Journal immediately after this sermon and it has rocked my world for the better. I took what Pastor Jimmy talked about to the next level for myself. You see, it's not enough for me to just write verses down in a notebook. I need to think about them, dwell on them, study them, interact with them, cry them out, pray them out, write them out . . . I suppose you get the picture. Studying the Word of God is one of my absolute favorite things to do in my life! This topical study of God's Word has been a huge favorite.
Last night at work, as I was killing time between the moments my client needed me, I pulled out my Father Heart Journal and penned another entry. This time, it seemed to be an entry I needed to share. What better way to share than here, with all of you. I hope you enjoy it. Keep in mind I am no scholar, no theological professor, and simply a woman in love with the Lord.
Currently, I have three journals: one is my "Listening Journal" which I started during the Discipleship School this year. It is a result of a speaker who talked about having conversations with God and actually recording them to hold onto later. I love it. God's words are in an orange pen right now and they hold some sweet, precious words that I love. I also have a "normal, everyday journal" which is where I write whatever is going on in my life, take sermon notes, take notes on my Life Group gatherings, or anything else for that matter. My last journal is my "Father Heart of God Journal" which is something I started in June 2016. The pastor at my church, Pastor Jimmy, preached a sermon that was life changing for me. It got me realizing how important it is to understand the Father God is. Here's the sermon: Father's Day Sermon
I started my Father Heart of God Journal immediately after this sermon and it has rocked my world for the better. I took what Pastor Jimmy talked about to the next level for myself. You see, it's not enough for me to just write verses down in a notebook. I need to think about them, dwell on them, study them, interact with them, cry them out, pray them out, write them out . . . I suppose you get the picture. Studying the Word of God is one of my absolute favorite things to do in my life! This topical study of God's Word has been a huge favorite.
Last night at work, as I was killing time between the moments my client needed me, I pulled out my Father Heart Journal and penned another entry. This time, it seemed to be an entry I needed to share. What better way to share than here, with all of you. I hope you enjoy it. Keep in mind I am no scholar, no theological professor, and simply a woman in love with the Lord.
"Yet You, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, You are the Potter; We are all the work of Your hand."
~ Isaiah 64:8 ~
~ Isaiah 64:8 ~
Lord, no matter what happens help me to remember that You are my Father. I need to be so secure in knowing this side of You that You are always constantly filling me up with Your love. Help me to be clay Lord:
- Help me to stay pliable and easily willing to be worked and molded by You.
- Help me to remember the tears in the process are like You adding water to the clay of me to further mold and build me up.
- Help me not forget to be diligent and take care of myself by guarding my heart and taking my thoughts captive. It's just like proper storage is needed to prevent the clay from hardening. Don't let my heart, soul, mind, and strength become hardened either, Lord. Help me to remain softened to You always.
You are the Potter, Lord. The clay doesn't pick the masterpiece it will become. The final piece reflects the unique skill of the potter and whatever the potter chooses to highlight the most. Help me trust You and Your plans, molding, and the masterpiece I will become. I am the work of Your hands. Amen.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Dear Emily [Part 1]
Here are some things I want you to know. They are things about life, about yourself, and about God. I hope you find them helpful and guides to help you along the way as you grow.
1) Your life has a purpose that no other human being can take from you, no matter what happens in your life (good or bad).
Critical events will happen in your life to strengthen you, to shape you, and to grow you into the person you will become. However, none of these situations will ever be able to rob you of your purpose that you were created for. Instead, they will serve to make you more effective in fulfilling the purpose. Not all of these events will be joyful, some will be so painful you would not wish them on your worst enemy.
2) There will be days you will feel dying would be better than living.
Choose LIFE. Death is final, forever, and permanent. Living can becoming better, greater, and wonderful. Death is an escape, but living brings freedom. Be FREE.
3) People will fail you.
Your heart will be for people, to love them and to be loved by them. But people are bent towards failing. People will fail in following everything they believe and stand to be and, in doing so, they will fail you. They will hurt you deeply when they fail you, but they will also point you to the One who will never fail you. Cling to the One with your core being.
4) Cling to the One who will never fail you: God = Father. Son. Holy Spirit. = Three in One
The Father loves you deeper than oceans, so deep scribes would run out of ink describing His love. The Son will also die for you and your pain, your mistakes, and for your love. The Holy Spirit will never stop guiding you, never stop counseling you, and never stop tenderly embracing you. Cling to the Living God.
5) Never be ashamed of your loud laugh.
People will assume you're forcing it for attention, but that is because they are not free-spirited. Others will criticize its sound, but that is because they have boxed themselves in to a mold. Whenever you laugh, the Lord laughs with you. He will use your laughter to spread His joy to others. Be careful, though, not to use laughter to hide. Be fully present in every situation, no matter how hard it is.
The Power of Forgiveness and Prayer
"let go and release the person to God."
You hear it all the time . . .
. . . to do it and feel the peace afterwards is unexplainable in words.
my journey to forgiveness with a particular individual was a long one.
And God was okay with it . . .
. . . He is in the healing business, you see.
every hurt, God saw. Every pain, God felt. Every injustice act, God understood on both sides.
To know this was so freeing . . .
. . . it was only then that I could share with Him my heart.
Who wants a life of bitterness? Who wants a life of anger? Who wants a life of pain?
I never did, but I lived it . . .
. . . When I finally got to forgiveness, years of healing had taken place by God.
There's so much that's said to us by people who mean well, who don't understand.
When the course of your life is altered by one person's action, or inaction . . .
. . . when the essence of who you are created to be is murdered . . .
. . . this is when forgiveness is a journey.
"Forgive and forget, like God."
those words used to cut me like a knife. . . .
. . . hearing them meant I was a failure.
Then, God opened my eyes to His character.
God knows all things forever . . .
. . . but forgets my shortcomings quicker than a blink of my eye.
How can I be like that?
it is impossible to be all knowing . . .
. . . striving to do so is in vain.
What I do know I can surrender.
I get let go of the hurt, the pain, and the memories . . .
. . . this was the beginning of the journey to being like Him.
When the heart would stir the pain, I had a choice.
I could own the pain forever and we'd remain friends . . .
. . . or I could look deeper into the wound, apply medicine, bandages, and heal it.
Every memory holds a false belief.
I could believe it to be truth . . .
. . . or I could excavate the ground beneath it to find its root and destroy it.
Forgetting is remembering without the pain.
It is choosing to see the events objectively . . .
. . . admitting how they affected you without seeking to destroy.
God remembers everything about me, but He still loves me anyway.
It is in this place that He died on the cross for me . . .
. . . it is in this place that He adopted me as His own.
I can forget like this.
I can have my memories of tragedy . . .
. . . and still choose to love you and still choose to see you with God's eyes alone.
My forgiveness journey was marked by my tears.
Grieving for who the person, the offender, would never be . . .
. . . and for their lack of ignorance to my pain and denial of their offence.
There's a river full of tears which God has numbered.
I don't need to make the person see them . . .
. . . the only One who truly matters has them stored in a bottle.
There's also a trail of blood a long the path I had to trod.
I used to believe it was my blood, from the wounds on my heart . . .
. . . to learn my wounds were also carried on the cross freed me from myself.
When we only see our pain and agony, we only see the darkness.
I was ineffective and purposeless for God . . .
. . . unable to share His love, His redemption, and His grace with others.
Prayer was the way to forgiveness.
It was the only key that could unlock that door . . .
. . . it was not an action I had to do, words I had to say.
Praying is communication with the Only One who matters.
All I had to do was talk it through . . .
. . . participate in a simple conversation.
There was no magical words or phrases I had to say.
I just had to open my mouth and speak . . .
. . . and open my hands in surrender.
There were these knots in my back for decades.
They sat behind my shoulder blades and weighed me down . . .
. . . nothing would make them go away, or the pain they caused to lessen.
After I prayed and forgave this person, they were gone.
The weight has been lifted. . .
. . . the physical ache is no more.
The power of forgiveness and prayer . . .
. . . it is beyond anything I have ever experienced.
You hear it all the time . . .
. . . to do it and feel the peace afterwards is unexplainable in words.
my journey to forgiveness with a particular individual was a long one.
And God was okay with it . . .
. . . He is in the healing business, you see.
every hurt, God saw. Every pain, God felt. Every injustice act, God understood on both sides.
To know this was so freeing . . .
. . . it was only then that I could share with Him my heart.
Who wants a life of bitterness? Who wants a life of anger? Who wants a life of pain?
I never did, but I lived it . . .
. . . When I finally got to forgiveness, years of healing had taken place by God.
There's so much that's said to us by people who mean well, who don't understand.
When the course of your life is altered by one person's action, or inaction . . .
. . . when the essence of who you are created to be is murdered . . .
. . . this is when forgiveness is a journey.
"Forgive and forget, like God."
those words used to cut me like a knife. . . .
. . . hearing them meant I was a failure.
Then, God opened my eyes to His character.
God knows all things forever . . .
. . . but forgets my shortcomings quicker than a blink of my eye.
How can I be like that?
it is impossible to be all knowing . . .
. . . striving to do so is in vain.
What I do know I can surrender.
I get let go of the hurt, the pain, and the memories . . .
. . . this was the beginning of the journey to being like Him.
When the heart would stir the pain, I had a choice.
I could own the pain forever and we'd remain friends . . .
. . . or I could look deeper into the wound, apply medicine, bandages, and heal it.
Every memory holds a false belief.
I could believe it to be truth . . .
. . . or I could excavate the ground beneath it to find its root and destroy it.
Forgetting is remembering without the pain.
It is choosing to see the events objectively . . .
. . . admitting how they affected you without seeking to destroy.
God remembers everything about me, but He still loves me anyway.
It is in this place that He died on the cross for me . . .
. . . it is in this place that He adopted me as His own.
I can forget like this.
I can have my memories of tragedy . . .
. . . and still choose to love you and still choose to see you with God's eyes alone.
My forgiveness journey was marked by my tears.
Grieving for who the person, the offender, would never be . . .
. . . and for their lack of ignorance to my pain and denial of their offence.
There's a river full of tears which God has numbered.
I don't need to make the person see them . . .
. . . the only One who truly matters has them stored in a bottle.
There's also a trail of blood a long the path I had to trod.
I used to believe it was my blood, from the wounds on my heart . . .
. . . to learn my wounds were also carried on the cross freed me from myself.
When we only see our pain and agony, we only see the darkness.
I was ineffective and purposeless for God . . .
. . . unable to share His love, His redemption, and His grace with others.
Prayer was the way to forgiveness.
It was the only key that could unlock that door . . .
. . . it was not an action I had to do, words I had to say.
Praying is communication with the Only One who matters.
All I had to do was talk it through . . .
. . . participate in a simple conversation.
There was no magical words or phrases I had to say.
I just had to open my mouth and speak . . .
. . . and open my hands in surrender.
There were these knots in my back for decades.
They sat behind my shoulder blades and weighed me down . . .
. . . nothing would make them go away, or the pain they caused to lessen.
After I prayed and forgave this person, they were gone.
The weight has been lifted. . .
. . . the physical ache is no more.
The power of forgiveness and prayer . . .
. . . it is beyond anything I have ever experienced.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)