Every year, God gives me a word to guide me. I start the process after advent begins and the new year starts. This year, I really thought it would be something much more like "discipline," but He led me to brave. I had meant to write about it so much sooner, but I never came here to do so. And around the time I did, there was more and more unraveling in daily life that I was being challenged in. It's been six months with this word guiding me, and I had to record what God's been doing.
Last year my word was transform. Brave really has fit well to be a word following transformation. The goals I have made in January have been in a multitude of areas from standing in my true self, to goals for my future, and to continue to grow and transform. My worship song has been "You Make Me Brave" by Bethel Music. It's funny because worship has been a huge part of my year, continually being one way I feel connected, renewed, and stepping forward. My verse for the year has been Ephesians 6:10, "Be strong in the Lord and in His Mighty Power." These have all been guideposts along the journey this year, which has been so crazy.
In January, there was an end of a serving opportunity. I was surprised, but allowed God to work through this. I was shown that my yes in August was a reminder of my gifting and not to be complacent in using my gifts. I also stepped up instead of being asked to serve, which is totally opposite my personality. When this ended in January, I was confused at first and kept asking God why. And true to the way God speaks to me, He just smiled and reminded me that He has a perfect plan beyond I can imagine. There were also work struggles that happened in December that highlighted health struggles. I went to the doctor and was put on a medication that, a week later, landed me in the emergency room with a severe, potentially critical & fatal, allergic reaction. It was surprising because it was a medication I had taken previously decades ago and was a small dose. Every doctor I saw for the month of January from ER, primary, cardiologist, pharmacist and ob/gyn had the same response. It was shock, met with affirmation that if I hadn't gone to the ER and stopped the med immediately, I likely would have died, and I'm the healthiest I have ever been in my life now. I dealt with a season of anxiety that had me really calling out to God and battling for Truth to reign over my mind. It was part spiritual warfare and part biological response to the medications I was on, including the med I reacted to. During this time, I would step into brave with worship and praying in the Spirit because I didn't know what to say. God led me to start declaring, "At my lowest: God is my HOPE. At my darkest: God is my LIGHT. At my weakest: God is my STRENGTH. At my saddest: God is my COMFORTER. I also started taking the time to cultivate rest and what that looks like. For me, this connected to working on creating weekly. Creating regularly helps me to self-care and feel a renewal of energy. I've been thankful for this reminder that has been helping my year.
In February, God showed me the deepest form of His love by sending me snow. My roommate and I ran outside in our pajamas and acted like kids for a solid 30 minutes! I made the smallest snowman of my life, but it was a snowman and it brought me so much joy! I made plans to visit friends from my hometown this summer. This trip to Fairmont, MN will be the first trip there since I moved in 2015! There's a lot of travel precautions and things, but I'm excited to see people I love and have been able to stay connected to since I moved. This was also the month that God led me to join Canadians in celebrating Family Day. God has brought me to my tribe, which is my family. It runs beyond blood and deep into souls I sojourn with because we choose to love one another and be connected deeper than blood. It also includes my sisters, which has been a gift as well. God also highlighted the need to love myself and be myself. This is one of my goals this year, so it was not surprising 2 months into #brave2020 that I was faced with embracing myself more and learning my identity in Christ. I also have been facing my inner mean girl, self-accusatory statements that align with Satan, and working on renewing my mind. This has been a challenge, but it's one I have been thankful for.
In March, just before the world pandemic, God reminded me to pay attention to the fruit of the Spirit and what I'm sowing in the Spirit, especially in the field of my mind & the field of my behavior. God also led me to cultivate gratitude daily, which I have been doing since Texas went into quarantine mode March 16. During the pandemic process, I am intentionally sharing these daily five gifts as Instagram stories. It has helped me not to forget that gratitude transcends the hard feelings and anchors us in the solid ground. I also got an undercut hairstyle, which is something I have always wanted to do well before it was okay for a woman to do without being thought of as less feminine, or rebellious. I have always had a more fluid approach in how I dressed when it came to my femininity. As a kid, I had a solid decade of being more tomboy with my style than feminine. In college, I slowly embraced the feminine side with the help of a shopping spree with my lawyer sister. She told me, “I want to treat you for your birthday to new clothes. My one requirement is someone other than you has to approve the outfit. Myself, the salesperson....whomever.” So I said yes, to my birthday present. The favorite outfit of mine was a floral and paisley top with ruffles and a plunge neckline that I paired with a khaki skirt with shorts sewn underneath it. Neither would have ever been my pick because of three things I avoided before this shopping trip: 1) I got boobs. And honestly, even a t-shirt can’t conceal them. However, until this day I thought I had to try to emasculate my physique for the sake of modesty and not over-exaggerating their already enormous appearance. 2) I have thick thighs and hate shaving my legs. It’s not because of poor hygiene. I am plus-size, my belly is in the way, and my thighs are all of 23 inches so it turns into an aerobic and stretch exercise combined with core strengthening so as to avoid a broken hip or cracked skull while having fallen in the shower. Could you imagine the sight of me naked on my flooded bathroom floor unable to move and telling the paramedics to help me finish shaving the other thigh?! God forbid you are unevenly shaved, even in an emergency! But I wore that outfit as much as possible and shaved my legs more than I ever did prior because I felt beautiful in that ensemble. I have never felt as beautiful in an outfit prior to this except for my flower girl dress I wore at age 5 for my brother Brian’s first wedding and my Junior Prom dress. I wasn’t against wearing dresses when the occasion demanded it, but I had been against flaunting my body just because it was easily seen to be feminine at a quick glance. Being part Mexican, I had boobs sooner than I knew what puberty was, thick thighs at birth, and curves everywhere else—plus-size or not. I hated my body from the beginning of puberty and started slowly hiding the feminine physique. A few months later, it all spiraled down further when becoming a child who was sexually abused. Once that started, I mistakenly blamed my body as enticing and causing this devilman to torture me for five years. By the time the five years ended, I had a full eating disorder that caused my weight to balloon. My highest weight was 395 pounds and even then, I was afraid my body would bring unsolicited, harmful men into my life. The desire to first get an undercut came when my first engagement ended. Josh was gay and used our relationship as a cover so that all his family and friends wouldn’t judge him. And all I heard was my body wasn’t enough for him to find me attractive. I started dreaming of shaving my hair, dyeing it purple, and buying a men’s tux at a men’s store simply because I have always wanted to. I love wearing pants and it would be really cool to be dressed for a special occasion and not have to shave my legs! I also had long, thick untamed curly hair I never knew what to do with until 2019. All this hair is HOT no matter the weather!!! This was early 2000s when all the Christian circles were very much endorsing the belief being a girl or woman meant you had to be as feminine as possible. Well, the tomboy in me since a young child has always found this very annoying and silly. I am me. I am a woman. Who cares what I wear day to day? Besides, what could be more modest than pants forever?! I mean, anyone in a high school choir or band could tell you how stressful a dress or skirt is. You have to stand or sit a certain way to maintain your modesty when on a stage. But if we all just wore pants, the performance would be so much better for the audience as well. They would be hearing music and not seeing people. The band, or the choir would be one just like our sounds. Well, I decided for #brave2020 to do something I always wanted to and get an undercut. It just turns out I have a friend who is a hairstylist and barber! I booked my first appointment at a men’s barbershop and got the undercut of my Pinterest dreams! I have since gone back for another 3 months later. This is the first hairstyle I have been able to afford keeping. Everything else was once a year! For Christmas, I am considering buying myself a nice pantsuit because, why the hell not?! I would rock it with my undercut I think!
In April, my two week nanny adventure morphed into 49 days and the entire month of April. Due to the pandemic my friends asked me to help them with childcare. It was a no-brainer and I moved in the first weekend of the quarantine order in Waco. I didn’t move out until the first week of May. All of April I was loving kids who were not mine and surrounded by the most loving family I have ever met. My friends were not perfect, I was not perfect, and the kids didn’t behave perfectly either but it truly was perfect. It was as perfect as my four years of life in Arkansas were growing up. In those four years, while dysfunction junction continued I had friends, soared in school, and was the happiest I remember ever being. God used this little family to show me I had closed my heart off to love in all forms—friends, community, romantically. I was only capable of existing. They have become some of my dearest friends I never knew I needed and for that I’m grateful!
In May, I returned to my apartment and focused on my goals for 2020. I read more books, found a workout I loved, and realized that my Abraham Journey also includes my healing journey. This is something I have kept separate from this blog because I didn’t know it was okay to share all of me one this report of running away with Jesus to Waco. Honestly, while still ironing out my next leg of this journey, I realized God brought me here to heal and to grow. Isn’t that life? Always growing, always healing, and always becoming the best version of ourselves? You can expect more entries going forward, many of which will include my healing journey experiences as much as my spiritual.
And now we are in June. June has been hard. I have had to set boundaries in relationships which feels more clunky than smooth. I have friends disappear, even ghosting me entirely. I tried Bumble only to be reminded by God after the worst date of all worst dates that I don’t do online dating for a reason. Then, I found the cancel button. I found the cancel button to folks who don’t accept me for who I am, the cancel button for those who judge me for being a Christian, and the cancel button for those who refuse to allow differences of opinion without hatred, judgmental actions and words. My friends list on Facebook is well under 300 again and my Instagram is full of happy people who don’t ignore the imploding USA headlines, but who don’t post attacking, projecting rants to others disguised as facts either. I have started the summer book reading challenge at the local library, which is something I never desired to do as a kid! I’m so excited to be able to read and get prizes for it! I am also getting ready to go on my first adult vacation. My vacation will be in Minnesota! One week in my hometown, one week in Bemidji, and one week in the Twin Cities—the trifecta of my life’s existence. I’m excited and thankful for the chance to visit my friends and not have any guilt for being an adult on vacation. There’s some specific #brave2020 things I will be doing while I’m there. They will have their own blog posts, so I will withhold them for now.
These first six months have been challenging. Yet I know for a fact I am nothing like the person I was on 12/31/2019. Before #brave2020, I was a whole other person. I am thankful for this year. I am thankful for the person I am becoming and I can’t wait to see who I am on December 31, 2020.
Saturday, June 20, 2020
Sunday, June 7, 2020
The Cure for the Hard Season: Forgiveness
My church completed a series called 40 Days of Breakthrough a few weeks ago. Honestly, I loved the fact that my church took time out of the year for us to make space for God to MOVE. Now there’s nothing magical about the process. They did encourage us to do the 5 Ps: Prayer, Promise, People, Personal Change, and Praise. Prayer meant praying unto the area you were seeking breakthrough in, but I also prayed before hand for guidance on what area. God was very clear that I needed to address the fear of rejection and abandonment. The Promise meant finding a promise from the Word to carry you through the 40 Days. My promise was Psalm 27:10, “Although my father and mother have abandoned me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child].” This is a verse from my life chapter and it really helped me when I felt a heightened sense of my fears during the 40 days. The people I relied on during the 40 days were the ladies in my discipleship group from my lifegroup, my mentor, and a couple of close friends. I made a point to update and share and also listen to their areas of breakthrough and prayed for them as well. This is important I think because you can get hung up on yourself and your focus can be too much on what you are dealing with, but lose sight of the body of Christ working together in this towards a breakthrough. I’m thankful my prayers helped my friends to receive breakthrough. The personal change I did was fasted from sweets for 14 days. I also daily worshiped and did some sort of quiet time with Jesus every day. For the worship, I went to encounter which is a worship night my church offers that is unscripted and totally guided by the Holy Spirit, spontaneous worship is pretty much a challenge for me if I’m honest. But I love the environment and atmosphere because I can easily connect with God and so I usually spend time completing a listening journal, which is writing down the dialogue back and forth from me and God when I pray. During the breakthrough, this time of encounter night was the revelation I needed! More on that later! Lastly, praise which is self-explanatory. But I will say, I praise God for the opportunity of a breakthrough, the promise of a breakthrough, and for who He was even if a breakthrough didn’t come during these 40 days. I knew I could still follow Him even if what I asked for never came.
I shared earlier in the last post about my hard season Sept-Feb every year. Well, this was the revelation God showed me at encounter: My hard season was directly linked to my fear of rejection and abandonment. Later during my Quiet time one day, God gave me a vision of me in a soybean field, cutting down weeds. But there was one huge and choking out the bean plants around it, so I realized I had to dig it out. I asked the Lord and He said, “There’s a bigger root issue you need to uproot and the breakthrough will come.” I couldn’t figure it out until I met with my mentor. When I explained it all, she was all, “I know what it is, but you’re not gonna like it.” I wanted to know as much as I didn’t want to know! But what she said was indeed the key to unlocking the breakthrough AND was the giant weed God told me to uproot so the breakthrough would come. Forgiveness.
I had forgiven a lot of my past and situations with folks. I had to in order to move forward in life. And in order to heal the pain of my traumatic past, forgiveness was necessary. My mentor told me to go back to the situation that caused my hard season, the time I was fully rejected by my family as a kid and disowned. And forgive every person involved. I spent time praying and asking God how, and I felt led to break it down on an individual basis using a guide my church made called “Tending your heart.” It’s a process of taking the situation, asking God what lies you believed, forgiving the person, asking forgiveness for the lies you believed, and asking God for a promise in exchange. Well, there were 13 people involved and they all had a connection to rejection & abandonment feelings. And as I forgave, 11 different lies were uncovered that I had believed since I was a kid!! Were are talking lies I believed for 28 years!
The time has come for me to, once again, embrace forgiveness. Many survivors deny the need for forgiveness, mostly because it's heavily misunderstood. It's often misunderstood because of what we misunderstand about God. According to the Bible, and my own personal encounters with God, He doesn't "forgive & forget" and He doesn't expect us to do so either. God is all-knowing as much as He is merciful and gracious. He calls us to be equally merciful and gracious while we have limited knowledge and understanding compared to Him. God forgives us "from the east is to the west," and "freely" because of Jesus. He no longer holds us to a weight of the sin, or the penalty it deserved because Jesus paid it. For us, we aren't charged to be Jesus to others, as Jesus alone can forgive deep wounds and bring a spiritual restoration. God does get to the place with us that, even though we have to reapproach Him for forgiveness, "He keeps no record of wrongs." He doesn't hold us accountable to what we did last year, or ten years ago. He holds us to today, this present moment, because before Him the past is the past. I believe He's all-knowing in that He knows my whole story, but when I face Him today He sees who I am today alone. This is what He requires of us as well. We need to be able to forgive the weight of what's deserved from the action someone else did.
When it comes to trauma, or abuse it feels like the abuser(s) get away with it. In my case, this has been the truth when you look at the laws in the USA during the time frame, as well as the old methods of the child welfare agencies who used to work more on family preservation than child protection, regardless of the welfare of the child. I felt for a long time I had every right to my anger, it was justifiable from a spiritual, moral, and humanitarian standard. However, I have learned that I can't just stay there in the place where I'm angry. Anger takes root to bitterness and bitterness creates a field of thistles and thorns for Satan to harvest. I was becoming mean, cruel, and unnecessarily harsh to others. In my twenties, I was putting up unhealthy boundaries and walls that didn't help me heal, but intensified the hurt I felt inside. When it comes to your trauma, believe me when I say it, you will NEVER forget. I have had it reappear as a factor in many places it shouldn't have to. There's times I have felt I already faced this layer of the onion and it has been chopped & sauteed in the fryer of healing, only to have it resurface in a new way. It can be so frustrating because it feels at times there's three steps backwards for every ten steps forward you take. Just because I remember it and have to work hard to heal daily doesn't mean that I'm unable to forgive, or shouldn't try to forgive. I forgive because I remember the pain and agony, along with all the hard work I went through to heal so I am the person I am today, in this moment. Just like back in my twenties, when I had to go back and forgive and release anger. God showed me I had to do this again to receive further breakthrough. If I don't forgive, my work is in vain because the hardened heart can't heal. This is where we are called to be like Christ in our forgiveness: to forget the offense in such a way that you no longer hold it against them, or seek to match it in equal pain. Just like God sees me every day, He knows my story and my life along with the failures and He chooses to see the blood of Christ over them and no longer hold them against me.
This blog post was first started in December and I have worked on it over the past week. It's funny looking back at it and see how much freedom remains 6 months later. Forgiveness was the cure and the way I received breakthrough over rejection and abandonment. The past 6 months have been HARD and that will come in further posts. However, I have been enveloped by the body of Christ. I have been placed in family, which is more than an earthly family. I have felt far from abandonment & rejection and I'm so thankful to God to be able to finish this post and have a record of what God has done! He's so faithful!
I shared earlier in the last post about my hard season Sept-Feb every year. Well, this was the revelation God showed me at encounter: My hard season was directly linked to my fear of rejection and abandonment. Later during my Quiet time one day, God gave me a vision of me in a soybean field, cutting down weeds. But there was one huge and choking out the bean plants around it, so I realized I had to dig it out. I asked the Lord and He said, “There’s a bigger root issue you need to uproot and the breakthrough will come.” I couldn’t figure it out until I met with my mentor. When I explained it all, she was all, “I know what it is, but you’re not gonna like it.” I wanted to know as much as I didn’t want to know! But what she said was indeed the key to unlocking the breakthrough AND was the giant weed God told me to uproot so the breakthrough would come. Forgiveness.
I had forgiven a lot of my past and situations with folks. I had to in order to move forward in life. And in order to heal the pain of my traumatic past, forgiveness was necessary. My mentor told me to go back to the situation that caused my hard season, the time I was fully rejected by my family as a kid and disowned. And forgive every person involved. I spent time praying and asking God how, and I felt led to break it down on an individual basis using a guide my church made called “Tending your heart.” It’s a process of taking the situation, asking God what lies you believed, forgiving the person, asking forgiveness for the lies you believed, and asking God for a promise in exchange. Well, there were 13 people involved and they all had a connection to rejection & abandonment feelings. And as I forgave, 11 different lies were uncovered that I had believed since I was a kid!! Were are talking lies I believed for 28 years!
The time has come for me to, once again, embrace forgiveness. Many survivors deny the need for forgiveness, mostly because it's heavily misunderstood. It's often misunderstood because of what we misunderstand about God. According to the Bible, and my own personal encounters with God, He doesn't "forgive & forget" and He doesn't expect us to do so either. God is all-knowing as much as He is merciful and gracious. He calls us to be equally merciful and gracious while we have limited knowledge and understanding compared to Him. God forgives us "from the east is to the west," and "freely" because of Jesus. He no longer holds us to a weight of the sin, or the penalty it deserved because Jesus paid it. For us, we aren't charged to be Jesus to others, as Jesus alone can forgive deep wounds and bring a spiritual restoration. God does get to the place with us that, even though we have to reapproach Him for forgiveness, "He keeps no record of wrongs." He doesn't hold us accountable to what we did last year, or ten years ago. He holds us to today, this present moment, because before Him the past is the past. I believe He's all-knowing in that He knows my whole story, but when I face Him today He sees who I am today alone. This is what He requires of us as well. We need to be able to forgive the weight of what's deserved from the action someone else did.
When it comes to trauma, or abuse it feels like the abuser(s) get away with it. In my case, this has been the truth when you look at the laws in the USA during the time frame, as well as the old methods of the child welfare agencies who used to work more on family preservation than child protection, regardless of the welfare of the child. I felt for a long time I had every right to my anger, it was justifiable from a spiritual, moral, and humanitarian standard. However, I have learned that I can't just stay there in the place where I'm angry. Anger takes root to bitterness and bitterness creates a field of thistles and thorns for Satan to harvest. I was becoming mean, cruel, and unnecessarily harsh to others. In my twenties, I was putting up unhealthy boundaries and walls that didn't help me heal, but intensified the hurt I felt inside. When it comes to your trauma, believe me when I say it, you will NEVER forget. I have had it reappear as a factor in many places it shouldn't have to. There's times I have felt I already faced this layer of the onion and it has been chopped & sauteed in the fryer of healing, only to have it resurface in a new way. It can be so frustrating because it feels at times there's three steps backwards for every ten steps forward you take. Just because I remember it and have to work hard to heal daily doesn't mean that I'm unable to forgive, or shouldn't try to forgive. I forgive because I remember the pain and agony, along with all the hard work I went through to heal so I am the person I am today, in this moment. Just like back in my twenties, when I had to go back and forgive and release anger. God showed me I had to do this again to receive further breakthrough. If I don't forgive, my work is in vain because the hardened heart can't heal. This is where we are called to be like Christ in our forgiveness: to forget the offense in such a way that you no longer hold it against them, or seek to match it in equal pain. Just like God sees me every day, He knows my story and my life along with the failures and He chooses to see the blood of Christ over them and no longer hold them against me.
This blog post was first started in December and I have worked on it over the past week. It's funny looking back at it and see how much freedom remains 6 months later. Forgiveness was the cure and the way I received breakthrough over rejection and abandonment. The past 6 months have been HARD and that will come in further posts. However, I have been enveloped by the body of Christ. I have been placed in family, which is more than an earthly family. I have felt far from abandonment & rejection and I'm so thankful to God to be able to finish this post and have a record of what God has done! He's so faithful!
Friday, November 1, 2019
The Hard Season
There’s a time of year that is hard for me more than any other part and that is Sept-Feb. I have lots of reasons for this, but it mostly is because my life changed the most in this time period and I am still dealing with the after affects as an adult.
September was the month the “big secret” came out and exposed my abuser of 5 years. Since it was a family member, I was terrified and tried to hide it because I thought I would get into trouble. By October, I was disowned by my paternal side of the family. I was only 15 years old when one of my closest aunts told me to my face, “I don’t believe you. As far as I’m concerned, you’re dead to me and I want nothing to do with you.” And all other family closest to me said similar things. This was the beginning of being alone and rejected on every single holiday.
Thanksgiving was holiday my family celebrated by gathering together for a large meal. Aunts, uncles, cousins, my grandparents all in the paternal side, and my immediate family that still lived at home would gather together on this day. To suddenly have no where to go was a shock to my system and, as a kid, I filled in the blanks on the pieces missing. When I couldn’t understand why I was rejected by my extended family, I just heard the words they said and internalized them as an identity. From that moment I became a lot of things and hated was the best word that fit. What was even harder was when my own parents decided I wasn’t worth being with on the holiday either. Instead, they left me alone with a Banquet Turkey TV dinner. What I believed at this point was that I was not worth love and support, only rejection and abandonment. I remember vowing that if I ever had a child of my own, they would never know what this felt like, no matter what they did.
I grew up Catholic and in a very strict Diocese. At one point, I thought I would become a Nun, but that’s a different blog. My point is this upbringing started me seeking out my walk with God. My family went to mass on Christmas Eve at Midnight. We had a lot of traditions for Christmas and they all surrounded being together, presents, lots of food, and presents. The Santa present was the one thing you really wanted and was held back for Christmas Day. Sometimes we would also celebrate with the extended family as well. This was what we did when I was in high school. In December the exact same year of the September, October, and Thanksgiving I spoke up, it all changed. We no longer did presents as an immediate family on the holiday. Instead it was done sometime that week. We stopped going to Mass, so if I wanted to go I had to walk alone and go by myself. My parents, again, went to our extended family Christmas that I was not allowed to attend. Instead, my parents bought ham & cheese Oscar Meyer slices for me to make sandwiches with. With all these changes in December, I felt like my world had ended as I knew it just for telling the truth and of the nightmare I lived for 5 years. I decided to close off people and be a hermit. I decided that was better because if I couldn’t trust my own family to love and accept me, how could I trust anyone else. And while I loved to sing and cherished Christmas hymns and carols, they morphed into melodies of torture to my heart. Instead of remembering fondly a Christmas Eve mass at candlelight, I was fighting back tears unsuccessfully sitting alone as a 9th grader.
January and February were lost to trying to process what all happened the few months before. They were needed to be able to awaken to the Spring and the hope of a fresh perspective. They were used to help me redefine my life as an orphan, which is how I truly felt I had become especially since my maternal side of my family was miles and states away in California and we never did anything for any holiday with them. I found myself year after year hating the holidays and refusing to even decorate a Christmas tree.
Eventually, I have created my own traditions. I do 30 Days of Thankfulness in November to focus on what I do have and to be thankful in ALL things. I celebrate Advent in order to prepare my heart for Christmas and the coming Messiah. I usually will read a devotional, and light my Advent wreath each year. For Christmas Day celebration, I try to find something on Christmas Eve to go to that is a bit more traditional. I spend Dec 26-31 looking back on my year and preparing for the year to come. These traditions do not ever center around people, but deeply upon God and my faith journey because the holidays for me are less about the people I am with and more about the God Who has ALWAYS loved and accepted me.
Why am I writing this on a blog? Well, because I am nothing if not honest and vulnerable. The people who read this blog are people who know me personally, typically not strangers. And it seemed fitting because I am joining my church here in Waco on a series called “40 Days of Breakthrough” where we are each creating space for God to do a breakthrough in our lives.
One area of breakthrough I am contending for is the fear of rejection and abandonment. To learn the connection to this struggle dates back to 15 year old Emily means I have had this fear for 23 years! It was NOT an unjustifiable fear for me either! It was something that all ready played out with my relationships with blood family, the people who are to be the closest to you. It is no surprise then that this fear not only took root, but has been able to still be a strong fear in adulthood! The problem is it doesn’t serve me to cope with it by isolation, or lack of community like it once did. As I let go of those coping strategies that helped me make it through the worst days of my high school years, I was face to face with this fear still holding me back from what God had for me.
God promises us in 2 Timothy that He doesn’t give us a spirit of fear. He gives us LOVE, power, and self-discipline. As I realized this promise, I came face to face with a LOVE that welcomed me in and accepted me. In Isaiah 45, this same LOVE says that I am redeemed, called by my name, and God tells me sweetly, “You are MINE.” This hit me hard this week to realize the connection of my identity in Christ smashing this fear I had held onto for SO LONG. When I asked God to take this and give me something better, He sweetly, gently said, “I will gladly take this from you. And instead give you love and acceptance.” I can’t tell you the number of tears that I cried, but He collected everyone. And even though I know this wasn’t the end of the battle for this breakthrough, I made significant progress that I would not have ever made had I not allowed myself to finally “go there” and be open to changing a perspective and be open to this area of my heart to experience healing. God is faithful. Even the hard seasons have a purpose to connect you deeper to Him.
September was the month the “big secret” came out and exposed my abuser of 5 years. Since it was a family member, I was terrified and tried to hide it because I thought I would get into trouble. By October, I was disowned by my paternal side of the family. I was only 15 years old when one of my closest aunts told me to my face, “I don’t believe you. As far as I’m concerned, you’re dead to me and I want nothing to do with you.” And all other family closest to me said similar things. This was the beginning of being alone and rejected on every single holiday.
Thanksgiving was holiday my family celebrated by gathering together for a large meal. Aunts, uncles, cousins, my grandparents all in the paternal side, and my immediate family that still lived at home would gather together on this day. To suddenly have no where to go was a shock to my system and, as a kid, I filled in the blanks on the pieces missing. When I couldn’t understand why I was rejected by my extended family, I just heard the words they said and internalized them as an identity. From that moment I became a lot of things and hated was the best word that fit. What was even harder was when my own parents decided I wasn’t worth being with on the holiday either. Instead, they left me alone with a Banquet Turkey TV dinner. What I believed at this point was that I was not worth love and support, only rejection and abandonment. I remember vowing that if I ever had a child of my own, they would never know what this felt like, no matter what they did.
I grew up Catholic and in a very strict Diocese. At one point, I thought I would become a Nun, but that’s a different blog. My point is this upbringing started me seeking out my walk with God. My family went to mass on Christmas Eve at Midnight. We had a lot of traditions for Christmas and they all surrounded being together, presents, lots of food, and presents. The Santa present was the one thing you really wanted and was held back for Christmas Day. Sometimes we would also celebrate with the extended family as well. This was what we did when I was in high school. In December the exact same year of the September, October, and Thanksgiving I spoke up, it all changed. We no longer did presents as an immediate family on the holiday. Instead it was done sometime that week. We stopped going to Mass, so if I wanted to go I had to walk alone and go by myself. My parents, again, went to our extended family Christmas that I was not allowed to attend. Instead, my parents bought ham & cheese Oscar Meyer slices for me to make sandwiches with. With all these changes in December, I felt like my world had ended as I knew it just for telling the truth and of the nightmare I lived for 5 years. I decided to close off people and be a hermit. I decided that was better because if I couldn’t trust my own family to love and accept me, how could I trust anyone else. And while I loved to sing and cherished Christmas hymns and carols, they morphed into melodies of torture to my heart. Instead of remembering fondly a Christmas Eve mass at candlelight, I was fighting back tears unsuccessfully sitting alone as a 9th grader.
January and February were lost to trying to process what all happened the few months before. They were needed to be able to awaken to the Spring and the hope of a fresh perspective. They were used to help me redefine my life as an orphan, which is how I truly felt I had become especially since my maternal side of my family was miles and states away in California and we never did anything for any holiday with them. I found myself year after year hating the holidays and refusing to even decorate a Christmas tree.
Eventually, I have created my own traditions. I do 30 Days of Thankfulness in November to focus on what I do have and to be thankful in ALL things. I celebrate Advent in order to prepare my heart for Christmas and the coming Messiah. I usually will read a devotional, and light my Advent wreath each year. For Christmas Day celebration, I try to find something on Christmas Eve to go to that is a bit more traditional. I spend Dec 26-31 looking back on my year and preparing for the year to come. These traditions do not ever center around people, but deeply upon God and my faith journey because the holidays for me are less about the people I am with and more about the God Who has ALWAYS loved and accepted me.
Why am I writing this on a blog? Well, because I am nothing if not honest and vulnerable. The people who read this blog are people who know me personally, typically not strangers. And it seemed fitting because I am joining my church here in Waco on a series called “40 Days of Breakthrough” where we are each creating space for God to do a breakthrough in our lives.
One area of breakthrough I am contending for is the fear of rejection and abandonment. To learn the connection to this struggle dates back to 15 year old Emily means I have had this fear for 23 years! It was NOT an unjustifiable fear for me either! It was something that all ready played out with my relationships with blood family, the people who are to be the closest to you. It is no surprise then that this fear not only took root, but has been able to still be a strong fear in adulthood! The problem is it doesn’t serve me to cope with it by isolation, or lack of community like it once did. As I let go of those coping strategies that helped me make it through the worst days of my high school years, I was face to face with this fear still holding me back from what God had for me.
God promises us in 2 Timothy that He doesn’t give us a spirit of fear. He gives us LOVE, power, and self-discipline. As I realized this promise, I came face to face with a LOVE that welcomed me in and accepted me. In Isaiah 45, this same LOVE says that I am redeemed, called by my name, and God tells me sweetly, “You are MINE.” This hit me hard this week to realize the connection of my identity in Christ smashing this fear I had held onto for SO LONG. When I asked God to take this and give me something better, He sweetly, gently said, “I will gladly take this from you. And instead give you love and acceptance.” I can’t tell you the number of tears that I cried, but He collected everyone. And even though I know this wasn’t the end of the battle for this breakthrough, I made significant progress that I would not have ever made had I not allowed myself to finally “go there” and be open to changing a perspective and be open to this area of my heart to experience healing. God is faithful. Even the hard seasons have a purpose to connect you deeper to Him.
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
Not of This World
“Do not be conformed to this world (any longer with its superficial values and customs), but be transformed and progressively changed (as you mature spiritually) by the renewing of your mind (focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes), so that you may prove (for yourselves) what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect (in His plan and purpose for you).” ~ Romans 12:2 ~
It is hard for people to understand you when you do something different than they would. It is even harder for them to understand when you resist common cultural actions. People easily, freely judge you and come down on you as a result and this can make it incredibly hard. Yet, I have come to realize this eighth month of “Transform:2019,” every area I am different is worth enduring every ounce of criticism.
One area that is different is I refuse to ever have a car loan. No, I’m not scared of a loan. I just don’t want to borrow funds for something that doesn’t last. I also don’t believe in just impulsively committing to a huge financial obligation while my income is still so unpredictable. I have been judged a lot about this recently as my car’s transmission gave out a few weeks ago. Right now, I have no car. I travel by bus to work, have a small number of friends who are willing to bring me home, I can Lyft but I only do this when it is absolutely necessary or affordable, and otherwise I walk! The last time I was in this situation for for a year and a half. I was met with folks who offered to help, with offers to get me a loan through their bank, or to take me car shopping. It was very nice and very considerate. When I shared I didn’t want a loan, no one knew what to say. Why? It is countercultural in America to not have a car loan. I’m not judging others choices, but just comparing that my decision is rare in comparison. People run across me and do not know how to respond. Yet one thing is certain, I am not ashamed of this conviction.
I will only live where God beings me to and I will try hard to bloom where I am planted. God brought me to Waco, TX in 2015 and I believe it is proof He has a sense of humor!! He took a winter season, fall season lover and put her in the hottest part of the south. This past week has been miserable and I have felt so hot. I have had a couple friends suggest I should consider a move since I can’t seem to get used to it. And the thing is, I know I’m not to be here in Waco forever, but I also know my next place to live will be where God calls me. It isn’t about my wants, my preferences, or what I love. I go where He sends me, this is the life I lead.
I have come to believe that if I am annoyed with someone else, I have a problem that I need to address WITH MYSELF, not the other person. And this means when someone else wants to confront me for my annoying them, my typical response is usually, “Do you believe it is another person’s responsibility to deal with your emotional responses?”? Sometimes I am looked confused. Other times, people change the subject. We have come to be a very emotionally ignorant culture, which I once was and am still not perfect after eating disorder treatment, but I am much better! When I am annoyed, I believe it is time to stop and ask myself, “What do I assume is going through the other person’s mind?” “How is my stress level and how is it influencing my emotions when I interact with this person?” And “Am I being bothered or inconvenienced by the other person? If so, is it their intent and do they know they have their timing off? Could I be assuming the worst about them?” Usually, one of these questions hit me in the gut and help me realize where the struggle actually is, within myself. I don’t own other people’s attempts at deflecting responsibility for their emotional coping into me. However, I do massively hate being misunderstood and will feel like a failure of a person if someone tries to confront me and assume they know what I think or feel, which so far everyone has been wrong about. I care even if you’re asking me to carry something I know isn’t my load to bare. This can be a sticking point sometimes, but I have had a much richer experience with others when I don’t pick up what was never intended for me. The ones that do not understand it either ask and learn about this more so they can experience this freedom, or they get pushed off and write me off. If they write me off over this boundary, then I do not think they ever valued the relationship to begin with.
Choosing to go against the tide isn’t easy, but it is the best thing I have ever done.
It is hard for people to understand you when you do something different than they would. It is even harder for them to understand when you resist common cultural actions. People easily, freely judge you and come down on you as a result and this can make it incredibly hard. Yet, I have come to realize this eighth month of “Transform:2019,” every area I am different is worth enduring every ounce of criticism.
One area that is different is I refuse to ever have a car loan. No, I’m not scared of a loan. I just don’t want to borrow funds for something that doesn’t last. I also don’t believe in just impulsively committing to a huge financial obligation while my income is still so unpredictable. I have been judged a lot about this recently as my car’s transmission gave out a few weeks ago. Right now, I have no car. I travel by bus to work, have a small number of friends who are willing to bring me home, I can Lyft but I only do this when it is absolutely necessary or affordable, and otherwise I walk! The last time I was in this situation for for a year and a half. I was met with folks who offered to help, with offers to get me a loan through their bank, or to take me car shopping. It was very nice and very considerate. When I shared I didn’t want a loan, no one knew what to say. Why? It is countercultural in America to not have a car loan. I’m not judging others choices, but just comparing that my decision is rare in comparison. People run across me and do not know how to respond. Yet one thing is certain, I am not ashamed of this conviction.
I will only live where God beings me to and I will try hard to bloom where I am planted. God brought me to Waco, TX in 2015 and I believe it is proof He has a sense of humor!! He took a winter season, fall season lover and put her in the hottest part of the south. This past week has been miserable and I have felt so hot. I have had a couple friends suggest I should consider a move since I can’t seem to get used to it. And the thing is, I know I’m not to be here in Waco forever, but I also know my next place to live will be where God calls me. It isn’t about my wants, my preferences, or what I love. I go where He sends me, this is the life I lead.
I have come to believe that if I am annoyed with someone else, I have a problem that I need to address WITH MYSELF, not the other person. And this means when someone else wants to confront me for my annoying them, my typical response is usually, “Do you believe it is another person’s responsibility to deal with your emotional responses?”? Sometimes I am looked confused. Other times, people change the subject. We have come to be a very emotionally ignorant culture, which I once was and am still not perfect after eating disorder treatment, but I am much better! When I am annoyed, I believe it is time to stop and ask myself, “What do I assume is going through the other person’s mind?” “How is my stress level and how is it influencing my emotions when I interact with this person?” And “Am I being bothered or inconvenienced by the other person? If so, is it their intent and do they know they have their timing off? Could I be assuming the worst about them?” Usually, one of these questions hit me in the gut and help me realize where the struggle actually is, within myself. I don’t own other people’s attempts at deflecting responsibility for their emotional coping into me. However, I do massively hate being misunderstood and will feel like a failure of a person if someone tries to confront me and assume they know what I think or feel, which so far everyone has been wrong about. I care even if you’re asking me to carry something I know isn’t my load to bare. This can be a sticking point sometimes, but I have had a much richer experience with others when I don’t pick up what was never intended for me. The ones that do not understand it either ask and learn about this more so they can experience this freedom, or they get pushed off and write me off. If they write me off over this boundary, then I do not think they ever valued the relationship to begin with.
Choosing to go against the tide isn’t easy, but it is the best thing I have ever done.
Sunday, June 16, 2019
6 Months of Transform
2019 has not been the easiest year. I am learning when God gives you a big word, He plans to work! My word is transform and He has transformed a lot of things.
My heart is changing in a lot of ways. For the past year I have worked hard to develop kindness as an attribute. It’s not been easy and I haven’t been kind daily, but I realize that the fruit of the Spirit are not just given to us. We have to take time to develop these traits and surrender the old ways. I am also realizing how I struggle with insecurity in general and it’s been at the core of my anxiety struggles. There’s not one area that I’m insecure in so much as a general sense of being insecure. I can recall moments where I made some really silly decisions because I was insecure. I can also recall moments of confidence and would like to see the day when those moments are greater than the insecure ones.
Recently, my anxiety has returned. This isn’t a huge surprise because the summer started when it returned. My anxiety seems to parallel seasons of transition and uncertainty. With the summer starting, there’s no concrete hours of work since I work for the school district and get to have summers off. I do not do well without a schedule or routine, so I am noticing my anxiety showing up. I was talking about this with a friend recently and realized it isn’t so much a constant worry for me. Now that I have been in therapy and God has healed so much of my struggles, it’s not that I worry. It’s just a state of being. It’s just an emotion that doesn’t seem to want to go away, just silently present. My heart is learning what abiding in God is like. I don’t always do well with abiding because of how I process struggles.
As I focus on Transform, I have come to learn a few things about myself I never knew. First, when life is challenging, I pull away and go inward. For example, today is Father’s Day and it’s a mixed bag for me. I have a lot of struggle with this day since I am no longer in contact with my parents. I didn’t want to go to church and hear a sermon all about it, so I stayed home. Later, I went on my Sabbath date with Abba, God. I watched a YouTube video about the father heart of God and was reminded of some truths. Now, after a day of solitude, I just might be able to reach out to a couple friends and hang out this week. It is not my first instinct to reach out to anyone because I have always been a party of one. Even growing up, in some of the hardest days, there wasn’t anyone in my corner. Now that I have some great friends, community of life group, and have folks I could call, I still think I have to go it alone.
I have also learned that I love to help others. When I do not do this, I feel like my life is wasting away. As dark as that sounds, it is the only way I can describe the feeling. I started noticing this late last year, so I began praying about it off and on. Then, out of time praying, I decided the easiest thing to do is to start serving at church again. With my sensory struggles previously, I quit serving and have periodically worked very part-time with kids ministry. I wasn’t sure I could handle it yet, but I am happy to report that there has been tremendous healing in ways I had been told would never improve. By serving consistently, I am realizing a sense of purpose I had missed in a long time. I love knowing families are being strengthened in their spiritual journey because I am loving on their 2 year olds!
Perhaps the biggest transformation in my life is that I am no longer in therapy. The process has been in the works around the holidays, but finally came to an end this May. I would be lying if I said I was happy and excited about it. I think this is another part of the transition that brought my subtle anxiety back. I’m scared to process alone, or that what I feel is too much. Being an empath, you feel so much and you carry on so much that isn’t your’s to carry. God has shown me that He is the best Counselor and I need to spend more time abiding in Him and less time trying to process my imperfect life perfectly. The truth is, I am light years away from my first counseling session and God used every session to heal me, but He will also continue to heal me while I abide in Him and seek Him. Still, it has been an adjustment.
Lastly, my last post alluded to false labels being placed on me by others. It has been six months and God continues to remind me that people are not able to define us, only God Can. I am so thankful to learn this and to have reminders to focus on my Identity in Christ and who He says I am. No one can discount what God sees in me. A group of friends and I are going over “Victory Over Darkness” by Neil Anderson this summer. It has been a great review for me in this season of finally stepping out of turning to people for my value and identity.
In many ways, this year I have reminded myself of junior high girls I love dearly, with their awkward responses, silly concerns, and identity crisis, that I have felt a bit surprised at being 37 and just now coming to an awareness of things. It also hasn’t been easy to write about and it has been deeply personal. I haven’t shared here because I haven’t had the words. Only a handful of people even know the specific, deeply tender things this post alludes to. Those people are dear friends who have held space to me when my own family has rejected me, or caused me to have to have strict boundaries. As I navigate this, it has been an interesting stretching and observations of my tendency to also pull away from God. I don’t pull away out of fear, but out of my heartaches. So this has also been a time of relearning how to cast all of my cares upon Him.
I am thankful to see the word transform mark me. Transform spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. This year has been all that and a side of toast!
My heart is changing in a lot of ways. For the past year I have worked hard to develop kindness as an attribute. It’s not been easy and I haven’t been kind daily, but I realize that the fruit of the Spirit are not just given to us. We have to take time to develop these traits and surrender the old ways. I am also realizing how I struggle with insecurity in general and it’s been at the core of my anxiety struggles. There’s not one area that I’m insecure in so much as a general sense of being insecure. I can recall moments where I made some really silly decisions because I was insecure. I can also recall moments of confidence and would like to see the day when those moments are greater than the insecure ones.
Recently, my anxiety has returned. This isn’t a huge surprise because the summer started when it returned. My anxiety seems to parallel seasons of transition and uncertainty. With the summer starting, there’s no concrete hours of work since I work for the school district and get to have summers off. I do not do well without a schedule or routine, so I am noticing my anxiety showing up. I was talking about this with a friend recently and realized it isn’t so much a constant worry for me. Now that I have been in therapy and God has healed so much of my struggles, it’s not that I worry. It’s just a state of being. It’s just an emotion that doesn’t seem to want to go away, just silently present. My heart is learning what abiding in God is like. I don’t always do well with abiding because of how I process struggles.
As I focus on Transform, I have come to learn a few things about myself I never knew. First, when life is challenging, I pull away and go inward. For example, today is Father’s Day and it’s a mixed bag for me. I have a lot of struggle with this day since I am no longer in contact with my parents. I didn’t want to go to church and hear a sermon all about it, so I stayed home. Later, I went on my Sabbath date with Abba, God. I watched a YouTube video about the father heart of God and was reminded of some truths. Now, after a day of solitude, I just might be able to reach out to a couple friends and hang out this week. It is not my first instinct to reach out to anyone because I have always been a party of one. Even growing up, in some of the hardest days, there wasn’t anyone in my corner. Now that I have some great friends, community of life group, and have folks I could call, I still think I have to go it alone.
I have also learned that I love to help others. When I do not do this, I feel like my life is wasting away. As dark as that sounds, it is the only way I can describe the feeling. I started noticing this late last year, so I began praying about it off and on. Then, out of time praying, I decided the easiest thing to do is to start serving at church again. With my sensory struggles previously, I quit serving and have periodically worked very part-time with kids ministry. I wasn’t sure I could handle it yet, but I am happy to report that there has been tremendous healing in ways I had been told would never improve. By serving consistently, I am realizing a sense of purpose I had missed in a long time. I love knowing families are being strengthened in their spiritual journey because I am loving on their 2 year olds!
Perhaps the biggest transformation in my life is that I am no longer in therapy. The process has been in the works around the holidays, but finally came to an end this May. I would be lying if I said I was happy and excited about it. I think this is another part of the transition that brought my subtle anxiety back. I’m scared to process alone, or that what I feel is too much. Being an empath, you feel so much and you carry on so much that isn’t your’s to carry. God has shown me that He is the best Counselor and I need to spend more time abiding in Him and less time trying to process my imperfect life perfectly. The truth is, I am light years away from my first counseling session and God used every session to heal me, but He will also continue to heal me while I abide in Him and seek Him. Still, it has been an adjustment.
Lastly, my last post alluded to false labels being placed on me by others. It has been six months and God continues to remind me that people are not able to define us, only God Can. I am so thankful to learn this and to have reminders to focus on my Identity in Christ and who He says I am. No one can discount what God sees in me. A group of friends and I are going over “Victory Over Darkness” by Neil Anderson this summer. It has been a great review for me in this season of finally stepping out of turning to people for my value and identity.
In many ways, this year I have reminded myself of junior high girls I love dearly, with their awkward responses, silly concerns, and identity crisis, that I have felt a bit surprised at being 37 and just now coming to an awareness of things. It also hasn’t been easy to write about and it has been deeply personal. I haven’t shared here because I haven’t had the words. Only a handful of people even know the specific, deeply tender things this post alludes to. Those people are dear friends who have held space to me when my own family has rejected me, or caused me to have to have strict boundaries. As I navigate this, it has been an interesting stretching and observations of my tendency to also pull away from God. I don’t pull away out of fear, but out of my heartaches. So this has also been a time of relearning how to cast all of my cares upon Him.
I am thankful to see the word transform mark me. Transform spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. This year has been all that and a side of toast!
Saturday, January 19, 2019
My Name Is
My name is Emily, but as I write here I use my pen name Emma Leigh. There's so much power in that name for me that I would actually love to change my name to it one day. There's plenty of other names and labels I have been given over the years. Annoying baby sister seems to somehow still be the default of all my siblings, or even baby sister--never mind the fact I am presently 37 years old. I know all youngest children in the world would love to actually been seen as an adult by their older siblings, so just a nod to you all--the struggle is REAL. Another is unchurched kid, which I heavily was labeled at the first youth group I attended, so much so that when I was chosen to be on the student leadership team all the churched kids were shocked. There was a lot of awkward questions during those days that the churched kids were shocked I asked, "Movies have ratings? What does that mean?" "Wait a minute Pastor, I'm in the table of contents trying to find the page number to the book you just said!!" One I will never forget asking, "How is sucks or stupid a swear word exactly?" Those were the days. However, when I came back from a few years of college I was still the unchurched kid, but also the college drop-out. Any hopes of serving, or being seen differently went out the window. As a result, I had to find a different church to attend.
Now in my thirties, I find there's a list of labels from others I can't seem to shake. Some are ones that people pin on me based on their assumptions. Recently, this has happened a lot. I was told I was a contrarian just because I hold drastically different opinions of the person that said it, apparently my intent in their view is to thrive on being difficult. I have been told I am a liar, when the fact is I never said what I was accused of, nor did I do what I was accused of. I really could go on, but what's the point? My point is less what I'm being labeled and more the fact that I am being labeled by others.
What's really sad about this is that my top love languages are tied: touch and words of affirmation. The struggle with words of affirmation as your top love language is the negative, insulting words of others become next to impossible to shake. They become toxic to you in deep ways compared to affirming words. For me, they become hard to let go of, deeply damaging, and make me reweigh the relationship all together. I end up getting frustrated, hurt, and almost critically wounded by some--especially ones that attack my character in some way, and especially if they come from someone who doesn't really know me on a personal level.
Recently, during my quiet time I started journaling out one recent situation with someone. As I wrote out the details, I found the root of the issue: I'm being mislabeled, misnamed, and essentially unknown despite my best efforts to connect with folks. As I realized this, I prayed and asked God about the source of the issue. In all the situations, I am being sized up and either identified by my past, or being disliked. So long as you hate something, or someone, your view of it/them is tainted. Take for example peas, which I have hated since I was a toddler. My mother would tell me stories of how great an eater I was except peas, and the faces I would make. I have tried them as an adult and I still hate them. In fact, I hate them so much that I pick them out to the side instead of suffering through a bite. This is how it is with people mislabeling me, they've already reached a conclusion and can't even stand a bite, so they toss me aside and slap a label on me that justifies their opinion. This was a huge revelation because when you're being judged, you don't stand a chance to be a friend, a sister, a daughter, or a valuable youth group member.
My name is . . . when we start talking about our identity, we often get it wrapped around what others say we are, what others think we are, or what we do; mom, wife, teacher, friend, etc. This isn't necessarily bad except that a day may come when you're no longer "doing" that, or "being" that role and you'll have an identity crisis. This is often the case of empty nest mom's. For years, they were mom and maybe made the kids their world. Now that ALL have left the nest, they don't know who they are, or what they should do because they let what they were doing define their identity. When we let others label us, we will find a crisis of identity when who we are truly clashes with what people claim. This is an unsettling tension that can create unnecessary guilt, especially if you're letting the labels in from people who don't truly know you, or care to know you, hold instead of who you truly are, that others who know your well claim. Much like someone hating you and never letting go of why they hate you, you can try your whole life to prove yourself to them, but unless they let go of their hate and bitterness, you do not stand a chance.
After all of this realization and revelation, my next thought was, "What can I do about it?" It is really normal in our human nature to want to defend ourselves, explain or actions or thought process, and try to get someone to see a little bit of the truth. However, we can't control other people and we are just creating more dysfunction if we try. I have learned to step back from people who constantly mislabel me and only choose to see me in a negative light. Yes, it bothers me greatly they see me the way they do. I have decided it is worse for me to play their song and dance of dysfunction than let them believe how they will about me. To go a step further, I have also decided God will defend me better than I can, so why bother trying? Instead, I look at what they are not saying. By constantly having a negative opinion of me, constantly pointing out my flaws, or being the first to criticize what I say they are actually proving they really don't like me and do not want a relationship with me. Therefore, I step back. I refuse to throw myself on someone for a friendship, biological family relationship, or otherwise if they only want to see me negatively. I'm not saying I do not have my faults, or that at one point I was not the annoying baby sister, but to still be seen in that way or only seen by my faults is not fair. It is also not healthy.
One of the hardest things I have had to work through over the years is forgiveness. In my early twenties, I went through a season of deep, justifiable anger. I was angry at everything and everyone because I didn't know what I was truly feeling. Anger is a secondary emotion, which means another emotion is at its core. For me, anger comes out most often if I'm feeling dysfunction, victimization, or being unjustifiably accused. In my twenties, ALL of that was going on and I was so angry that I couldn't even see it objectively. I was the meanest person and I hated it. I would say and do things that I can't even believe I said or did today. I had to learn how to deal with anger, how to deal with situations and people that are out of my control, and how to accept I do not have to be everyone's friend.
I have this deep desire to just be liked and a friend by everyone I meet. This means that it's rather shocking sometimes when I learn I'm simply not everyone's cup of tea, some prefer only coffee. It also means, I went through a hard season learning that people pleasing is not the answer. Instead, focusing on having a pure heart and making sure God's opinion is the only one Who truly matters. For me, this is accomplished when I take the time to explain the situation, see the root issue, and then ask, "What can I do about it?" Some may default to "Nothing," but I don't agree with that being an option. I believe we can always do something.
In cases where the normal response is, "You can't do anything," I have a few things I do. First, I commit to pray for the person. To be honest, the recent situations with people are less than a handful, but for me even one is too many. This isn't a huge commitment, I just include them on my daily list as long as the situation bothers me. Whenever the situation or person comes to mind and I'm tempted to have false guilt, or feel bad, I pray. I will pray for their heart to soften and for them to be accepting of others.
Another thing I do is asked God, "What is my role here?" 99% of the time, He says, "Step back and give them space." I don't tell them I'm stepping back, I just do it. I wait for them to contact me when they decide to contact me. I respond when they do graciously and lovingly also, which is the third step: Choose to not hold a grudge.
I refuse to let anger make a foothold in my life anymore. I'm not angry with any of the small number of people I've dealt with recently, or the old youth group kids I was dealing with. If anything I'm saddened. I'm saddened by the lens they see through and I'm saddened I can't have a deeper relationship with them. I do not hold a grudge because I don't see them with eyes of offense, but eyes of who they are and who they could become. You see, no one is perfect. I have a lot of flaws . . . I don't trust easily, I don't always have a good balance of listening or talking, I avoid conflict like the black plague and shut down or run away to hide from it, and I really suck at laughing quietly no matter how hard I try. The thing is, a true friend or someone who is in a healthy relationship with you will see you for you are at your core, beyond your flaws. If someone only sees your flaws, the relationship is massively dysfunctional. When someone hurts me, I feel it but then I have a choice with how I want to handle it. In that choice, I refuse to let anger rule and reign within me because it only destroys the person being angry. Did you catch that? Let me say it again: Anger destroys the person who is angry, NOT the person you are angry with. I refuse to destroy myself.
One other thing I do is honor their boundary. The person does not like me. I'm super bummed for sure, maybe even cried a little bit, or a lot. It's okay to feel the pain or loss connected to the relationship, no matter how close it was or wasn't. I would say, the closer you were, the deeper the loss and you probably have a grieving process you need to do. This is healthy humans being human. I have learned though, it's not necessary for me to go to them and demand to know why they feel a certain way, or defend yourself. It doesn't end well and it doesn't help the situation. They don't like me, so it's probably best for both of us for me to move on. Again, I don't tell them I'm moving on because I don't think it's necessary. It also could be that I'm an INFJ, which means we don't burn bridges, we just stop crossing them and maintaining them so they become structurally deficient and disappear over time. As funny as that meme is, it's really true! I just think that the biggest reason for this is by honoring their boundary, we can both move on to better places and surround ourselves with our tribe. Not everyone will be in your tribe, so you can let go of those who are not when you realize this.
Lastly, and maybe the most important step, I remind myself of Who God says I am.
In Christ, my name is Accepted.
I am God's child. (Jn 1:12)
I am Christ's friend. (Jn 15:15)
I have been justified. (Rm 5:1)
I am united with the Lord and one with Him in spirit. (1 Cor 6:17)
I have been bought with a price, I belong to God. (1 Cor 6:20)
I am a member of Christ's body. (1 Cor 12:27)
I am a saint. (Eph 1:1)
I have been adopted as God's child. (Eph 1:5)
I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit. (Eph 2:18)
I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. (Col 1:14)
I am complete in Christ. (Col 2:10)
In Christ, my name is Secure.
I am free forever of condemnation. (Rom 8:1-2)
I am assured that all things work together for good. (Rom 8:28)
I am free from any condemning charges against me. (Rom 8:33-34)
I cannot be separated from the love of God. (Rom 8:35)
I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God. (2 Cor 1:21)
I am hidden with Christ in God. (Col 3:3)
I am confident that the good work God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil 1:6)
I am a citizen of heaven.(Phil 3:20)
I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. (2 Tim 1:7)
I can find grace and mercy in time of need. (Heb 4:16)
I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me. (1 Jn 5:18)
In Christ, my name is Significant.
I am the salt of the earth. (Matt 5:13-14)
I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of His life. (Jn 15:1-5)
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. (Jn 15:16)
I am a personal witness of Christ's. (Acts 1:8)
I am God's temple. (1 Cor 3:16)
I am a minister of reconciliation. (2 Cor 5:17-20)
I am God's coworker. (2 Cor 6:1)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm. (Eph 2:6)
I am God's workmanship. (Eph 2:10)
I may approach God with freedom and confidence. (Eph 3:12)
I can do all through through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)
You see, at the end of the day, my name is whatever God says it is. When all that truly matters is Him, then it frees you to be able to accept that another human being may not like you. It also makes it better for you to move on easily, instead of stumbling into sin, or becoming entrapped in dysfunction.
Before I end, a random thought came to me, "When do you apologize?" If I get the intuitive vibe that someone is upset with me, I have a decision to make. The common response for most people is what I call, over-apologizing. You see, just because there's some sort of friction does not mean I have to own it. In fact, just because I got offended, hurt, annoyed, frustrated, etc by someone doesn't mean they did anything wrong. 99% of the time, things like this are because of my own heart issues. So I take time and ask God, "What do you say about it? Search me and reveal my heart to me, Lord." If I'm shown there's an issue in my heart, then I can't expect another person to apologize. In fact, maybe I need to be apologizing to God for being so quick to be offended! Things like being annoyed or frustrated with someone is not anyone else's fault but your own. Why are you annoyed by them? What's the sticking point for you in your heart of hearts? You need to deal with that! You don't have to go apologize because something is array.
You could ask the person, "Is there something wrong?" This could be a 50/50 shot of going really badly, or really great. For one, the person could get even more angry because you have no clue they have hated you all their life and you are clueless. On the other side, may be they have wanted to talk to you but they don't have words and your olive branch is what they needed. I really don't do this unless there's been proof the relationship is far from dysfunctional and I'm not being mislabeled offensively. If they are mislabeling me in a deeply offensive way, I don't think it helps to approach them at all. On the other hand, if they've never done this before and start acting strangely, I will go to them and ask, "Is everything okay? Do we need to talk?" There's still a risk here and you just have decided what's best for the relationship overall.
I apologize when God reveals to me I did something wrong, I have accidentally offended someone by my words or actions, and I knowingly did something wrong. I refuse to apologize any other time because it is not my cross to bear, it's the other person's. They also may not need to apologize to me, I mean if it truly is simply that they don't like me, it would be silly to expect an apology for that, right?! "I'm sorry I don't like you, Lucy." "It's okay, Marsha. I forgive you for having your own personal preferences. Good luck in life." Just because there's hurt, pain, sadness, or even conflict in a relationship doesn't mean there's an offense that needs to be dealt with. I would argue, the root of a lot of major mental illnesses is the constant struggle with finding offense and blaming others for everything, and taking no ownership for yourself. This behavior is even identified in several personality disorders, especially borderline personality disorder where the person will love their friend to the point of obsessiveness and drop them like a hot biscuit and despise them deeply at the slightest negative feeling they perceive the friend caused. It's actually much more healthy to own your offenses when you're aware of them, or confronted with them and nothing more. While learning when to apologize isn't easy, the critical component needs to exist: repentance.
It's one thing to say, "I'm sorry for hurting you." It's a whole other thing to actually stop hurting someone. It's another thing to say, "I can't stand her, but I'm going to see her with God's eyes--as valuable and something to offer the world." It's a whole other thing to say, "She's always so annoying," in your head the entire time you're around her. At the end of the day, there's nothing worse then a band-aid apology with no evidence that you genuinely will change your perspective, or your behavior. If you can't back up your apology to God or a person with a change in your behavior (repentance), then I would argue to not waste your time until you can. If this is the situation, you likely have some unforgiveness, bitterness, jealousy, or anger to deal with within yourself and that is not anyone else's issue but your own.
At the end of the day, when I ended my journal entry, I went back to my life chapter: Psalm 27. It's a perfect reminder for me of Who matters and that I have nothing else to be afraid of.
My name is Loved, Fearless, and Beloved.
Now in my thirties, I find there's a list of labels from others I can't seem to shake. Some are ones that people pin on me based on their assumptions. Recently, this has happened a lot. I was told I was a contrarian just because I hold drastically different opinions of the person that said it, apparently my intent in their view is to thrive on being difficult. I have been told I am a liar, when the fact is I never said what I was accused of, nor did I do what I was accused of. I really could go on, but what's the point? My point is less what I'm being labeled and more the fact that I am being labeled by others.
What's really sad about this is that my top love languages are tied: touch and words of affirmation. The struggle with words of affirmation as your top love language is the negative, insulting words of others become next to impossible to shake. They become toxic to you in deep ways compared to affirming words. For me, they become hard to let go of, deeply damaging, and make me reweigh the relationship all together. I end up getting frustrated, hurt, and almost critically wounded by some--especially ones that attack my character in some way, and especially if they come from someone who doesn't really know me on a personal level.
Recently, during my quiet time I started journaling out one recent situation with someone. As I wrote out the details, I found the root of the issue: I'm being mislabeled, misnamed, and essentially unknown despite my best efforts to connect with folks. As I realized this, I prayed and asked God about the source of the issue. In all the situations, I am being sized up and either identified by my past, or being disliked. So long as you hate something, or someone, your view of it/them is tainted. Take for example peas, which I have hated since I was a toddler. My mother would tell me stories of how great an eater I was except peas, and the faces I would make. I have tried them as an adult and I still hate them. In fact, I hate them so much that I pick them out to the side instead of suffering through a bite. This is how it is with people mislabeling me, they've already reached a conclusion and can't even stand a bite, so they toss me aside and slap a label on me that justifies their opinion. This was a huge revelation because when you're being judged, you don't stand a chance to be a friend, a sister, a daughter, or a valuable youth group member.
My name is . . . when we start talking about our identity, we often get it wrapped around what others say we are, what others think we are, or what we do; mom, wife, teacher, friend, etc. This isn't necessarily bad except that a day may come when you're no longer "doing" that, or "being" that role and you'll have an identity crisis. This is often the case of empty nest mom's. For years, they were mom and maybe made the kids their world. Now that ALL have left the nest, they don't know who they are, or what they should do because they let what they were doing define their identity. When we let others label us, we will find a crisis of identity when who we are truly clashes with what people claim. This is an unsettling tension that can create unnecessary guilt, especially if you're letting the labels in from people who don't truly know you, or care to know you, hold instead of who you truly are, that others who know your well claim. Much like someone hating you and never letting go of why they hate you, you can try your whole life to prove yourself to them, but unless they let go of their hate and bitterness, you do not stand a chance.
After all of this realization and revelation, my next thought was, "What can I do about it?" It is really normal in our human nature to want to defend ourselves, explain or actions or thought process, and try to get someone to see a little bit of the truth. However, we can't control other people and we are just creating more dysfunction if we try. I have learned to step back from people who constantly mislabel me and only choose to see me in a negative light. Yes, it bothers me greatly they see me the way they do. I have decided it is worse for me to play their song and dance of dysfunction than let them believe how they will about me. To go a step further, I have also decided God will defend me better than I can, so why bother trying? Instead, I look at what they are not saying. By constantly having a negative opinion of me, constantly pointing out my flaws, or being the first to criticize what I say they are actually proving they really don't like me and do not want a relationship with me. Therefore, I step back. I refuse to throw myself on someone for a friendship, biological family relationship, or otherwise if they only want to see me negatively. I'm not saying I do not have my faults, or that at one point I was not the annoying baby sister, but to still be seen in that way or only seen by my faults is not fair. It is also not healthy.
One of the hardest things I have had to work through over the years is forgiveness. In my early twenties, I went through a season of deep, justifiable anger. I was angry at everything and everyone because I didn't know what I was truly feeling. Anger is a secondary emotion, which means another emotion is at its core. For me, anger comes out most often if I'm feeling dysfunction, victimization, or being unjustifiably accused. In my twenties, ALL of that was going on and I was so angry that I couldn't even see it objectively. I was the meanest person and I hated it. I would say and do things that I can't even believe I said or did today. I had to learn how to deal with anger, how to deal with situations and people that are out of my control, and how to accept I do not have to be everyone's friend.
I have this deep desire to just be liked and a friend by everyone I meet. This means that it's rather shocking sometimes when I learn I'm simply not everyone's cup of tea, some prefer only coffee. It also means, I went through a hard season learning that people pleasing is not the answer. Instead, focusing on having a pure heart and making sure God's opinion is the only one Who truly matters. For me, this is accomplished when I take the time to explain the situation, see the root issue, and then ask, "What can I do about it?" Some may default to "Nothing," but I don't agree with that being an option. I believe we can always do something.
In cases where the normal response is, "You can't do anything," I have a few things I do. First, I commit to pray for the person. To be honest, the recent situations with people are less than a handful, but for me even one is too many. This isn't a huge commitment, I just include them on my daily list as long as the situation bothers me. Whenever the situation or person comes to mind and I'm tempted to have false guilt, or feel bad, I pray. I will pray for their heart to soften and for them to be accepting of others.
Another thing I do is asked God, "What is my role here?" 99% of the time, He says, "Step back and give them space." I don't tell them I'm stepping back, I just do it. I wait for them to contact me when they decide to contact me. I respond when they do graciously and lovingly also, which is the third step: Choose to not hold a grudge.
I refuse to let anger make a foothold in my life anymore. I'm not angry with any of the small number of people I've dealt with recently, or the old youth group kids I was dealing with. If anything I'm saddened. I'm saddened by the lens they see through and I'm saddened I can't have a deeper relationship with them. I do not hold a grudge because I don't see them with eyes of offense, but eyes of who they are and who they could become. You see, no one is perfect. I have a lot of flaws . . . I don't trust easily, I don't always have a good balance of listening or talking, I avoid conflict like the black plague and shut down or run away to hide from it, and I really suck at laughing quietly no matter how hard I try. The thing is, a true friend or someone who is in a healthy relationship with you will see you for you are at your core, beyond your flaws. If someone only sees your flaws, the relationship is massively dysfunctional. When someone hurts me, I feel it but then I have a choice with how I want to handle it. In that choice, I refuse to let anger rule and reign within me because it only destroys the person being angry. Did you catch that? Let me say it again: Anger destroys the person who is angry, NOT the person you are angry with. I refuse to destroy myself.
One other thing I do is honor their boundary. The person does not like me. I'm super bummed for sure, maybe even cried a little bit, or a lot. It's okay to feel the pain or loss connected to the relationship, no matter how close it was or wasn't. I would say, the closer you were, the deeper the loss and you probably have a grieving process you need to do. This is healthy humans being human. I have learned though, it's not necessary for me to go to them and demand to know why they feel a certain way, or defend yourself. It doesn't end well and it doesn't help the situation. They don't like me, so it's probably best for both of us for me to move on. Again, I don't tell them I'm moving on because I don't think it's necessary. It also could be that I'm an INFJ, which means we don't burn bridges, we just stop crossing them and maintaining them so they become structurally deficient and disappear over time. As funny as that meme is, it's really true! I just think that the biggest reason for this is by honoring their boundary, we can both move on to better places and surround ourselves with our tribe. Not everyone will be in your tribe, so you can let go of those who are not when you realize this.
Lastly, and maybe the most important step, I remind myself of Who God says I am.
In Christ, my name is Accepted.
I am God's child. (Jn 1:12)
I am Christ's friend. (Jn 15:15)
I have been justified. (Rm 5:1)
I am united with the Lord and one with Him in spirit. (1 Cor 6:17)
I have been bought with a price, I belong to God. (1 Cor 6:20)
I am a member of Christ's body. (1 Cor 12:27)
I am a saint. (Eph 1:1)
I have been adopted as God's child. (Eph 1:5)
I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit. (Eph 2:18)
I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. (Col 1:14)
I am complete in Christ. (Col 2:10)
In Christ, my name is Secure.
I am free forever of condemnation. (Rom 8:1-2)
I am assured that all things work together for good. (Rom 8:28)
I am free from any condemning charges against me. (Rom 8:33-34)
I cannot be separated from the love of God. (Rom 8:35)
I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God. (2 Cor 1:21)
I am hidden with Christ in God. (Col 3:3)
I am confident that the good work God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil 1:6)
I am a citizen of heaven.(Phil 3:20)
I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. (2 Tim 1:7)
I can find grace and mercy in time of need. (Heb 4:16)
I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me. (1 Jn 5:18)
In Christ, my name is Significant.
I am the salt of the earth. (Matt 5:13-14)
I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of His life. (Jn 15:1-5)
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. (Jn 15:16)
I am a personal witness of Christ's. (Acts 1:8)
I am God's temple. (1 Cor 3:16)
I am a minister of reconciliation. (2 Cor 5:17-20)
I am God's coworker. (2 Cor 6:1)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm. (Eph 2:6)
I am God's workmanship. (Eph 2:10)
I may approach God with freedom and confidence. (Eph 3:12)
I can do all through through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)
You see, at the end of the day, my name is whatever God says it is. When all that truly matters is Him, then it frees you to be able to accept that another human being may not like you. It also makes it better for you to move on easily, instead of stumbling into sin, or becoming entrapped in dysfunction.
Before I end, a random thought came to me, "When do you apologize?" If I get the intuitive vibe that someone is upset with me, I have a decision to make. The common response for most people is what I call, over-apologizing. You see, just because there's some sort of friction does not mean I have to own it. In fact, just because I got offended, hurt, annoyed, frustrated, etc by someone doesn't mean they did anything wrong. 99% of the time, things like this are because of my own heart issues. So I take time and ask God, "What do you say about it? Search me and reveal my heart to me, Lord." If I'm shown there's an issue in my heart, then I can't expect another person to apologize. In fact, maybe I need to be apologizing to God for being so quick to be offended! Things like being annoyed or frustrated with someone is not anyone else's fault but your own. Why are you annoyed by them? What's the sticking point for you in your heart of hearts? You need to deal with that! You don't have to go apologize because something is array.
You could ask the person, "Is there something wrong?" This could be a 50/50 shot of going really badly, or really great. For one, the person could get even more angry because you have no clue they have hated you all their life and you are clueless. On the other side, may be they have wanted to talk to you but they don't have words and your olive branch is what they needed. I really don't do this unless there's been proof the relationship is far from dysfunctional and I'm not being mislabeled offensively. If they are mislabeling me in a deeply offensive way, I don't think it helps to approach them at all. On the other hand, if they've never done this before and start acting strangely, I will go to them and ask, "Is everything okay? Do we need to talk?" There's still a risk here and you just have decided what's best for the relationship overall.
I apologize when God reveals to me I did something wrong, I have accidentally offended someone by my words or actions, and I knowingly did something wrong. I refuse to apologize any other time because it is not my cross to bear, it's the other person's. They also may not need to apologize to me, I mean if it truly is simply that they don't like me, it would be silly to expect an apology for that, right?! "I'm sorry I don't like you, Lucy." "It's okay, Marsha. I forgive you for having your own personal preferences. Good luck in life." Just because there's hurt, pain, sadness, or even conflict in a relationship doesn't mean there's an offense that needs to be dealt with. I would argue, the root of a lot of major mental illnesses is the constant struggle with finding offense and blaming others for everything, and taking no ownership for yourself. This behavior is even identified in several personality disorders, especially borderline personality disorder where the person will love their friend to the point of obsessiveness and drop them like a hot biscuit and despise them deeply at the slightest negative feeling they perceive the friend caused. It's actually much more healthy to own your offenses when you're aware of them, or confronted with them and nothing more. While learning when to apologize isn't easy, the critical component needs to exist: repentance.
It's one thing to say, "I'm sorry for hurting you." It's a whole other thing to actually stop hurting someone. It's another thing to say, "I can't stand her, but I'm going to see her with God's eyes--as valuable and something to offer the world." It's a whole other thing to say, "She's always so annoying," in your head the entire time you're around her. At the end of the day, there's nothing worse then a band-aid apology with no evidence that you genuinely will change your perspective, or your behavior. If you can't back up your apology to God or a person with a change in your behavior (repentance), then I would argue to not waste your time until you can. If this is the situation, you likely have some unforgiveness, bitterness, jealousy, or anger to deal with within yourself and that is not anyone else's issue but your own.
At the end of the day, when I ended my journal entry, I went back to my life chapter: Psalm 27. It's a perfect reminder for me of Who matters and that I have nothing else to be afraid of.
My name is Loved, Fearless, and Beloved.
Monday, December 31, 2018
Goodbye, 2018 ..... Hello, 2019!
2018 was a year. In many ways it was tough and in many ways it was amazing. Some highlights each month follow:
January: I received my very first FULL paycheck since September 2017 when I had to quit my job shortly after starting it and leaving a previous job. This job was me stepping out in faith and it was clear I wasn’t capable of doing it so I was forced to leave. It took awhile to get paid with my new job mostly because I was a temp in my permanent role so it didn’t pay a full amount. Thankfully, insurance started and I was also able to seek much needed medical treatment as I had some serious things going on. Two ER visits, a specialist, a ultrasound, CT Scan, and MRI were all done. My specialist had a diagnosis and dropped the “possible cancer” phrase and we made a pre-op for a week later.
February: I saw the specialist and had surgery with biopsies. There was a lot of fear and stress, and a lot of health issues. I was freakishly at peace never doubting God was in control. Trust was my word for 2018 and Trust was what I did. No matter what outcome, God was still GOOD and TRUSTWORTHY, so I had nothing to fear.
March: After my surgery and biopsies, my results were rushed because my doctor was concerned. Eventually, I was told it was negative and no cancer or abnormalities present. The week of surgery, my church had a corporate prayer and fasting. I felt like I spiritually HAD TO GO to each worship night, even though physically I could barely walk and was in a lot of pain. The first night, someone had a word that people were effected by cancer and God would heal them. I was only one of 5 people to raise their hand for prayer and 3 of us were waiting for results. The next day a friend I had not seen in awhile felt the need to pray for me and prayed for healing. The final night at the celebration, roughly 6 people prayed for me. 2 of them I knew, but the other 4 just came up to me and said, “I feel the need to pray for healing over you. What’s going on?” Two days later I found out the results. Two weeks after that, my doctor said, “I have never been wrong. What I saw was not good and I can’t explain the results. I believe there was a miracle. And I have only ever seen two and each time, I am reminded a Higher Power has to exist.” I was able to explain to her about Jesus and the healing prayers I received that week.
April: After all the health concerns I was put on medication and told to come back in a year. As a result, I decided to heed God’s call to go to Peru on my first international missions trip. I began fundraising and by the end of April, I had my funds and a couple friends who sent me money directly to cover personal/travel/souvenir costs while there.
May: My health continued to greatly improve and this was the first month I felt good since October 2017. Not 100%, but I could tell things were turning the corner. I continued to Trust God for my trip to Peru. I also moved out of my apartment and had to rehome my beloved cat, Vivienne. Not having Vivi continues to be an adjustment and sometimes hard. I was able to focus on preparing for Peru and it really was exciting.
June: My trip to Peru was incredible. God did so much and healed so much in my heart. He also taught me about leadership. I learned that, as a leader, I want to equip, support, and encourage as much as possible. I also learned the importance of a leader remaining humble and teachable, as well as a team player and not controlling, or believe I know whatever I need to. God also healed parts of my heart that were so damaged, I never realized it until I came back. I also finally decided to go no contact with my parents after so much abuse my whole life. This decision has been encouraged by every single therapist I have seen in adulthood and was a decision that took 10 years to finally conclude it was the best to do.
July: I came back from Peru massively ill. I had a bacterial respiratory infection and a bacterial gastroenteritis infection as well. It took an entire month to feel myself and strong again. I also found out I was anemic after all my health scares. Again, I had to TRUST God for my health. I also turned 37! This year of 37 has shown more white hairs than I ever imagined and more progress forward on my health/healing journey. I had to buy a new wardrobe because things started not fitting and falling off!
August: I had some opportunities to advocate for myself in ways that would normally terrify me. Instead, I pressed into the fears and was my own advocate. The outcomes in all situations worked for my favor and helped me to move forward.
September: I had a lot of fun with friends, church activities, and various connections with others. I was able to enjoy my town and have me time be a regular thing I do. I also challenged myself to not hermit as an introvert and it helped tremendously!
October: I was able to Trust God with the challenging season ahead and the holiday pit I usually experience. I was able to make goals, guidelines, and boundaries surrounding each holiday. I also was able to plan ways to celebrate each holiday in my own way.
November: In spite of a horrible Thanksgiving experience, I used it as a data set and adjusted Christmas plans and my future holiday plans in general. I also embraced thankfulness and found so many reasons to be thankful regardless of my feelings. It was a powerful experience. I also identified boundaries with certain relationships that needed to be made and since placing them, my life has been much more peaceful and stress-free.
December: I had a beautiful Advent time and was able to lead my online group in celebrating Advent. When it came to Christmas, I was blessed by gifts I not only needed, but never expected receiving. A pair of dress shoes brought a level of healing I didn’t expect. A lavender warmzie has helped me sleep. And 5 new mugs make me remember I am seen. Christmas was in my terms and was a beautiful time celebrating the birth of my Savior, which is the most important thing to me. I also spent a lot of time preparing for the next year.
2019 is here. My word for the year is TRANSFORM. There’s huge promises God has for me in the 2019 and one is to be transformed physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I believe God gave me 2 Corinthians 3:17-18, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty [emancipation from bondage, true freedom]. And we all, with unveiled faces, continually seeing as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are progressively being transformed into His image from [one degree of] glory to [even more] glory, which comes from the Lord, [who is] the Spirit.” He will continue to transform me from glory to glory and a deeper freedom! There’s goals within this that I find personal and will not share with many. There’s financial goals, college goals, spiritual growth goals, and healing goals. I’m excited for the word “transform” to guide my year. I am excited for what all God will do in my life.
January: I received my very first FULL paycheck since September 2017 when I had to quit my job shortly after starting it and leaving a previous job. This job was me stepping out in faith and it was clear I wasn’t capable of doing it so I was forced to leave. It took awhile to get paid with my new job mostly because I was a temp in my permanent role so it didn’t pay a full amount. Thankfully, insurance started and I was also able to seek much needed medical treatment as I had some serious things going on. Two ER visits, a specialist, a ultrasound, CT Scan, and MRI were all done. My specialist had a diagnosis and dropped the “possible cancer” phrase and we made a pre-op for a week later.
February: I saw the specialist and had surgery with biopsies. There was a lot of fear and stress, and a lot of health issues. I was freakishly at peace never doubting God was in control. Trust was my word for 2018 and Trust was what I did. No matter what outcome, God was still GOOD and TRUSTWORTHY, so I had nothing to fear.
March: After my surgery and biopsies, my results were rushed because my doctor was concerned. Eventually, I was told it was negative and no cancer or abnormalities present. The week of surgery, my church had a corporate prayer and fasting. I felt like I spiritually HAD TO GO to each worship night, even though physically I could barely walk and was in a lot of pain. The first night, someone had a word that people were effected by cancer and God would heal them. I was only one of 5 people to raise their hand for prayer and 3 of us were waiting for results. The next day a friend I had not seen in awhile felt the need to pray for me and prayed for healing. The final night at the celebration, roughly 6 people prayed for me. 2 of them I knew, but the other 4 just came up to me and said, “I feel the need to pray for healing over you. What’s going on?” Two days later I found out the results. Two weeks after that, my doctor said, “I have never been wrong. What I saw was not good and I can’t explain the results. I believe there was a miracle. And I have only ever seen two and each time, I am reminded a Higher Power has to exist.” I was able to explain to her about Jesus and the healing prayers I received that week.
April: After all the health concerns I was put on medication and told to come back in a year. As a result, I decided to heed God’s call to go to Peru on my first international missions trip. I began fundraising and by the end of April, I had my funds and a couple friends who sent me money directly to cover personal/travel/souvenir costs while there.
May: My health continued to greatly improve and this was the first month I felt good since October 2017. Not 100%, but I could tell things were turning the corner. I continued to Trust God for my trip to Peru. I also moved out of my apartment and had to rehome my beloved cat, Vivienne. Not having Vivi continues to be an adjustment and sometimes hard. I was able to focus on preparing for Peru and it really was exciting.
June: My trip to Peru was incredible. God did so much and healed so much in my heart. He also taught me about leadership. I learned that, as a leader, I want to equip, support, and encourage as much as possible. I also learned the importance of a leader remaining humble and teachable, as well as a team player and not controlling, or believe I know whatever I need to. God also healed parts of my heart that were so damaged, I never realized it until I came back. I also finally decided to go no contact with my parents after so much abuse my whole life. This decision has been encouraged by every single therapist I have seen in adulthood and was a decision that took 10 years to finally conclude it was the best to do.
July: I came back from Peru massively ill. I had a bacterial respiratory infection and a bacterial gastroenteritis infection as well. It took an entire month to feel myself and strong again. I also found out I was anemic after all my health scares. Again, I had to TRUST God for my health. I also turned 37! This year of 37 has shown more white hairs than I ever imagined and more progress forward on my health/healing journey. I had to buy a new wardrobe because things started not fitting and falling off!
August: I had some opportunities to advocate for myself in ways that would normally terrify me. Instead, I pressed into the fears and was my own advocate. The outcomes in all situations worked for my favor and helped me to move forward.
September: I had a lot of fun with friends, church activities, and various connections with others. I was able to enjoy my town and have me time be a regular thing I do. I also challenged myself to not hermit as an introvert and it helped tremendously!
October: I was able to Trust God with the challenging season ahead and the holiday pit I usually experience. I was able to make goals, guidelines, and boundaries surrounding each holiday. I also was able to plan ways to celebrate each holiday in my own way.
November: In spite of a horrible Thanksgiving experience, I used it as a data set and adjusted Christmas plans and my future holiday plans in general. I also embraced thankfulness and found so many reasons to be thankful regardless of my feelings. It was a powerful experience. I also identified boundaries with certain relationships that needed to be made and since placing them, my life has been much more peaceful and stress-free.
December: I had a beautiful Advent time and was able to lead my online group in celebrating Advent. When it came to Christmas, I was blessed by gifts I not only needed, but never expected receiving. A pair of dress shoes brought a level of healing I didn’t expect. A lavender warmzie has helped me sleep. And 5 new mugs make me remember I am seen. Christmas was in my terms and was a beautiful time celebrating the birth of my Savior, which is the most important thing to me. I also spent a lot of time preparing for the next year.
2019 is here. My word for the year is TRANSFORM. There’s huge promises God has for me in the 2019 and one is to be transformed physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I believe God gave me 2 Corinthians 3:17-18, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty [emancipation from bondage, true freedom]. And we all, with unveiled faces, continually seeing as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are progressively being transformed into His image from [one degree of] glory to [even more] glory, which comes from the Lord, [who is] the Spirit.” He will continue to transform me from glory to glory and a deeper freedom! There’s goals within this that I find personal and will not share with many. There’s financial goals, college goals, spiritual growth goals, and healing goals. I’m excited for the word “transform” to guide my year. I am excited for what all God will do in my life.
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