This week on my Facebook, I was reminded that I was discharged from eating disorder treatment 2 years ago. I thought I'd share the top ten things treatment did for me. Who knows, this may even turn into a submission to The Mighty.
1) Treatment opened my heart to emotions again.
For me, Binge Eating Disorder crept in back when I was going through intense trauma from sexual abuse as a 5th grader--about age 10. I ate to numb out the feelings of fear, intense sadness, and heavy anxiety while I carried this deep secret for five years. When PTSD was dealt with as a young adult, I turned to food to continue to numb out and my eating disorder intensified. Treatment showed me that emotions are relative, they can be neither good or bad. Treatment also taught me how to process those emotions and accept them. My world has been so much more complete and whole because I can feel my emotions with no shame, no regret, and confidently know what to do with them.
2) Treatment helped me to enjoy my food.
A common misconception by those with no eating disorder experience is that if you are overweight, you love food and that is the problem. Actually, this couldn't be further from the truth. It is common for someone who is overweight to have a potential eating disorder that is not diagnosed. Also, I don't know anyone with an eating disorder who would say, "I love food." In fact, in my treatment group, we all collectively admitted we were obsessed with food, but didn't necessarily 'love' it. Certain foods were enjoyable, but the obsession that the eating disorder creates in your mind actually creates a lot of anxiety around food. Before treatment, I thought about food about 90% of the time. If I wasn't thinking about my next meal, I was thinking about my next binge, or if I had enough food for the day or week. I would over-purchase at the grocery store regularly because I would be afraid I wouldn't have what I needed, when I needed it--especially if I needed to binge. Now, thanks to meal planning, I can confidently structure my meals and purchase what I need. I can enjoy the meals I create, or my time eating out fully because I'm not preoccupied with the reason I am eating. Instead, I know when I'm hungry and can easily identify what I'm hungry for. I can enjoy food for what it was meant for: nourishment and enjoyment.
3) Treatment gave me the support I needed.
Like many with an eating disorder, those closest to me didn't really understand. After years of dealing with binge eating disorder, I was extremely overweight and everyone around me thought the issue was laziness, a poor diet, or apathy. The first day of my outpatient treatment group, I was terrified. I wanted to run out the door so badly, but I was able to fight the urges. I had opened myself up to my therapist too and she challenged me to stick it out. I'm so glad I did! I can't tell you how many times someone else shared something and one of us would reply, "You too?! I thought I was the only one who did that, felt that, or thought that!" It was really a relief every week to learn that you're not crazy and that this is definitely more than a dieting issue, it is a mental illness that needs to be treated.
4) Treatment equipped me for my future.
Before treatment, I was so consumed in the present and the past that I couldn't make a single goal. I couldn't think about my future, or my dreams. In fact, my dreams were always prefaced with When I reach my goal weight, or If I ever stop spending so much money on binges, then I could --neither would ever happen. Treatment gave me tools to fight my urges to binge, ways to restructure my thought process and intercept the lies or beliefs that were derailing me for so long. Now I am able to feel emotions as they come and process changes in life that only effect me for a moment, not derail my entire year. This means I have been able to set financial goals and meet them since I'm no longer spending money on binges. I also have been able to set goals for my career and education that before I wasn't able to think about, such as making plans to go back to college Fall of 2018 to complete my Bachelor's degree.
5) Treatment strengthened my confidence.
I was the most anxiety driven person I knew when I started treatment. If I felt scared, I would just not do it, not go there, or stop whatever it was that caused the anxiety. Treatment helped me to identify lies I was believing about other people, the world, and myself. Then, I was able to unpack the lies and get to the truth instead. I was also able to identify where the lies came from originally. The result of all of this has helped me to be a much more confident person in my relationships, my job, and in every day life. If something triggers my anxiety, I'm able to process my way through it and look back later on if it was a accurate fear or not. It has completely transformed my life.
6) Treatment allowed me to get to know the real me.
I was no longer controlled by my obsession with food. I was also no longer letting fears control me. As I learned to process and deal with my emotions in a healthy way, I awakened to a greater sense of self and the person I wanted to be than I ever had before. I also learned that, naturally, I am introverted and so I'm a little bit cautious around others in general. I also was able to identify strengths I didn't even know I had and weaknesses that I let dictate my every day life. As I have identified my weaknesses, I have be able to work them out so that they are not usually destructive and, instead, seek help and guidance when the need arises.
7) Treatment helped me find my voice again.
Boundaries were such a foreign concept before treatment. I could never have the confidence and courage to set them, let alone follow through with them. Treatment helped me see that I am a person who is valuable and should set boundaries around toxic relationships, or even just day-to-day structures with my time, work-life balance, and my own desires. I learned I didn't have to be everything for everybody, or a doormat to those who do not value me as a person. I was able to speak up and say, "No." I was also able to set my own parameters when it came to my interests and hobbies with regards to time management. This is something that was huge for me, especially since I have a complex trauma background. It has been a hard road to get to this point, but it was worth it.
8) Treatment restored my hope.
Anyone who struggles with Binge Eating Disorder will tell you, it is not easy to live your life centered around the binge-eating cycle. I can look back over the years before treatment and I can honestly say I was so hopeless I was just living for the next binge, much like a drug addict would say they were living for the next high. Let me be clear that a binge is not a "cheat" meal, or "a few extra bites" either. Binges are different for everyone, but what sets them apart for the eating disorder classification is that they are high quantities of food consumed in a really short amount of time. My binges were around 10pm-1am and lasted about 1 hour. During my binges, I would consume 1500-3500 calories, which was on top of my very strict 1500 calorie diet during the day. On paper, it looked great because I never ever recorded my binges and never admitted to anyone else they existed. Treatment allowed me to open up this deep, shameful secret to another and restore hope that had been gone for decades. As I worked through my eating disorder struggles, I was able to find a purpose for living again and no longer felt my life was controlled by my eating disorder. This unleashed a powerful hope in me that is so empowering and refreshing. I can actually say I love my life and love being alive.
9) Treatment gave me a heart for others.
I did outpatient group treatment for 16 weeks. It was 3 hours a week and consisted of 1 hour of cognitive behavior therapy, 1 hour of dietician work, and 1 hour of physical therapy. It was also required that we met with our individual therapist weekly for 1 hour and our individual dietician for 30 minutes. I worked with my therapist and dietician three months before and three months after treatment. The whole process was nearly 1 year. During this year, I was able to listen to other people's stories and how their eating disorder affected them. I was able to celebrate their successes, cry with them, and support them. Our group dropped in number from start to finish, but those of us who remained were so thankful we were not alone. It was so helpful to know that others were committed to the group and were trustworthy. I was able to put words to things I never could tell anyone before. My heart grew two sizes because I was able to see past my own fears and struggles in order to support others going through the same thing I was. Now my heart aches for those who are just starting their treatment journey because I know first hand how terrifying that road is. It is worth it to me to share my story in the hopes that others would start their treatment journey so they can one day share their story too.
10) Treatment gave me recovery.
I am fortunate to have come this far. I'm in the recovery relapse prevention phase forever I feel because every day I have to wake up and make a choice to stay recovered. I can't recall a day where I don't have something trigger a binge. I have had moments were I went to bed early because the urge to binge was so strong, if I stayed up I was not sure I could fight it in my fatigue. I have had days were three or four times I was tempted to gave in. On one occasion, I actually went to the grocery store to by food for a binge, only to park my car in the parking lot and call a friend instead. I have been binge-free for 2 years, 8 months, and 30 days (1003 days total). Every day I have had to choose recovery, fight for recovery, and live out recovery. It has not been easy, but I know I would not have gotten this far without treatment and for that I am grateful.
Saturday, August 19, 2017
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Laying My Isaac Down
I have no doubt the title of this blog is a phrase you have heard before. Perhaps you have a very personal experience with this phrase yourself. For those who do not know the story the phrase comes from, let me sum it up. Genesis Chapter 22 talks about Abe and Sarah and their promised child, Isaac. They were an old couple and barren, but God spoke and vowed a child through whom Abe would become the father of many nations. The child promised was Isaac. Fast forward to Isaac being around the age of a "young teenager" most likely, although the Bible doesn't specifically say. Abe and Isaac go to a mountain to worship God. God had asked Abe to sacrifice Isaac, and basically he was about to until God provided the ram. Abe told Isaac before hand that God would provide the ram. I believe Abe believed God would show up and he wouldn't have to sacrifice his only son, but it took until the knife was raised for God to stop Abe with the ram. It is a Bible story that some find very unsettling, and otherS find a glorious parallel to the promised Messiah. I have always felt a bit of both. On one hand, it is amazing God provided and Abe obeyed to the end. On the other hand, what a crazy thing for God to ask of a Dad?! But when I look at the story closer and replace myself with Abe, it doesn't sound too crazy. I am already on my own Abraham Journey, so why wouldn't God ask me to sacrifice my 'Isaac' too?!
I have been silent on this blog for a few months while life got overwhelming and hard. I am fully able to write while I feel overwhelmed, but this was different. This time was a season of really asking God where He was and struggling to trust. I love my Texas life and my Abraham Journey, but it has been so hard! Part of what has really been a struggle is turning 36 this summer and officially being in my mid-thirties still single. I joke a lot now when people ask, "are you married?" "Nope! I'm Super Single! **doo-too-doo!!**" (I make a Super Hero stance for added affect.) I get a few laughs, but I will be honest and say that I'm really not joking. This summer I have had to pay for all my expenses in my apartment for 2 months until my new roommate moved in, have had to decide to leave a job for another job that is something I have never done before and don't even know if I will be able to be successful at, make a few financial decisions and cancel a few things I had grown accustomed to having just so I could live in my budget, I have had to purchase a different car, insure the car, and trust that my income will cover the added expenses. To be truthful, every month I feel like I am a Super Hero as a single woman. I did my own maintenance even and hung up my new shower rod, which I am not sure will work out long-term but it hasn't fallen yet so maybe it will! So many times this summer I have felt lonely, painfully lonely if I am honest. I am an introvert, which surprises a lot of people. I am an INFJ for you M-B types, so basically I am an introvert who knows how to converse with others, but engaging with others doesn't give me life--it actually sucks the life out of me! This summer I have actually challenged myself to put myself out there two days at a time followed by a introvert-to-the-max day. It has helped me fight the feelings of loneliness and isolation, but they are still there a little bit. And it was about a month ago that I realized being married was my Isaac, which I needed to lay down.
It is encouraged by many that a single woman should pray for her husband, prepare to be a housewife, start a career you're willing to put on hold when you are starting a family with your husband, and know all there is about children. I cringe at these expectations the church still expects women to do. When you're 36 there are no longer expectations, but assumed reasons why you're still single and, let's be honest, they are not positive assumptions. I can say I gave up chasing what "they" said I should do, live, and think long ago--and you should too. While I don't agree with kissing dating good-bye, I do believe I have had to lay down my desire for a husband on the altar in order to live fully in the present for God.
People mean well when they say, "Oh you'll be next." (I have been next about 20 times since 2004.) They mean well when they say, "Just pray for your hasband, he will show up soon." (I have prayed, fasted, and been engaged twice to two different men.) This summer, I was told, "Focus on God and He will give you the desires of your heart." (I have been focused on God since I was saved in 1996.) I would like to say to "them": There is not a single thing I can do to fulfill my desire for a husband anymore than you could make sure everyone you love was in Heaven. And this is what God has shown me this summer: God is still good in all seasons, whether or not I am ever married.
Over my birthday, I was in Bemidji, Minnesota. I was in a boat with some friends looking out at a beautiful lake God made and was overwhelmed with the desire to have a special someone to lean on and share the moment with. I started to think about aging alone, with no husband or children of my own. My thoughts quickly fast-forward to being the person in the nursing home that was alone, never visited, and never cared about even in their death. (Yes, my thoughts can quickly go to the worst scenario when my emotions get the best of me.) As I was about to get a bit depressed, I heard God say, "Will you just lay it down already?!"
It has taken my a few weeks to be able to put words to the process, but I can say I have finally done so. I have prayed a huge prayer full of the desires of my heart and then, laid it at Jesus' feet with the promise of never picking it up again. Yes, my final prayer as a single woman for my husband was uttered. And my last tears of begging and crying out for God to honor my request were shed. And I left the wedding plans, the family plans, and all the childhood dreams of my wedding day on the altar with the Mrs Degree that skipped me in college as well. Instead, I have accepted my life now to live fully for Him.
I will still have to navigate the practicals on my solo income, still have to make my own decisions, and will still have moments of utter loneliness. I didn't lay my Isaac down so that I could pick up something else. I laid it down so I could trust God fully and completely, even if I am single until the day that I die; even if I am that old lady in the nursing home with no family. Following God and His will for my life is far greater than a promised love, or a family of my own. I don't follow God for what I can get out of it, but simply for what He has done for me. Even if He never fulfills my biggest dream and one of His special promises to me, He has still done far more for me than I could ever expect and ask for. Therefore, in ALL things and EVERY season, I give thanks and praise.
I have laid my Isaac down. God Himself will provide. Amen.
I have been silent on this blog for a few months while life got overwhelming and hard. I am fully able to write while I feel overwhelmed, but this was different. This time was a season of really asking God where He was and struggling to trust. I love my Texas life and my Abraham Journey, but it has been so hard! Part of what has really been a struggle is turning 36 this summer and officially being in my mid-thirties still single. I joke a lot now when people ask, "are you married?" "Nope! I'm Super Single! **doo-too-doo!!**" (I make a Super Hero stance for added affect.) I get a few laughs, but I will be honest and say that I'm really not joking. This summer I have had to pay for all my expenses in my apartment for 2 months until my new roommate moved in, have had to decide to leave a job for another job that is something I have never done before and don't even know if I will be able to be successful at, make a few financial decisions and cancel a few things I had grown accustomed to having just so I could live in my budget, I have had to purchase a different car, insure the car, and trust that my income will cover the added expenses. To be truthful, every month I feel like I am a Super Hero as a single woman. I did my own maintenance even and hung up my new shower rod, which I am not sure will work out long-term but it hasn't fallen yet so maybe it will! So many times this summer I have felt lonely, painfully lonely if I am honest. I am an introvert, which surprises a lot of people. I am an INFJ for you M-B types, so basically I am an introvert who knows how to converse with others, but engaging with others doesn't give me life--it actually sucks the life out of me! This summer I have actually challenged myself to put myself out there two days at a time followed by a introvert-to-the-max day. It has helped me fight the feelings of loneliness and isolation, but they are still there a little bit. And it was about a month ago that I realized being married was my Isaac, which I needed to lay down.
It is encouraged by many that a single woman should pray for her husband, prepare to be a housewife, start a career you're willing to put on hold when you are starting a family with your husband, and know all there is about children. I cringe at these expectations the church still expects women to do. When you're 36 there are no longer expectations, but assumed reasons why you're still single and, let's be honest, they are not positive assumptions. I can say I gave up chasing what "they" said I should do, live, and think long ago--and you should too. While I don't agree with kissing dating good-bye, I do believe I have had to lay down my desire for a husband on the altar in order to live fully in the present for God.
People mean well when they say, "Oh you'll be next." (I have been next about 20 times since 2004.) They mean well when they say, "Just pray for your hasband, he will show up soon." (I have prayed, fasted, and been engaged twice to two different men.) This summer, I was told, "Focus on God and He will give you the desires of your heart." (I have been focused on God since I was saved in 1996.) I would like to say to "them": There is not a single thing I can do to fulfill my desire for a husband anymore than you could make sure everyone you love was in Heaven. And this is what God has shown me this summer: God is still good in all seasons, whether or not I am ever married.
Over my birthday, I was in Bemidji, Minnesota. I was in a boat with some friends looking out at a beautiful lake God made and was overwhelmed with the desire to have a special someone to lean on and share the moment with. I started to think about aging alone, with no husband or children of my own. My thoughts quickly fast-forward to being the person in the nursing home that was alone, never visited, and never cared about even in their death. (Yes, my thoughts can quickly go to the worst scenario when my emotions get the best of me.) As I was about to get a bit depressed, I heard God say, "Will you just lay it down already?!"
It has taken my a few weeks to be able to put words to the process, but I can say I have finally done so. I have prayed a huge prayer full of the desires of my heart and then, laid it at Jesus' feet with the promise of never picking it up again. Yes, my final prayer as a single woman for my husband was uttered. And my last tears of begging and crying out for God to honor my request were shed. And I left the wedding plans, the family plans, and all the childhood dreams of my wedding day on the altar with the Mrs Degree that skipped me in college as well. Instead, I have accepted my life now to live fully for Him.
I will still have to navigate the practicals on my solo income, still have to make my own decisions, and will still have moments of utter loneliness. I didn't lay my Isaac down so that I could pick up something else. I laid it down so I could trust God fully and completely, even if I am single until the day that I die; even if I am that old lady in the nursing home with no family. Following God and His will for my life is far greater than a promised love, or a family of my own. I don't follow God for what I can get out of it, but simply for what He has done for me. Even if He never fulfills my biggest dream and one of His special promises to me, He has still done far more for me than I could ever expect and ask for. Therefore, in ALL things and EVERY season, I give thanks and praise.
I have laid my Isaac down. God Himself will provide. Amen.
Thursday, June 1, 2017
Broken, Battered, and Hope-Full
My present job is working at a domestic violence shelter. I almost hesitate to tell people where I work because it always brings a response of, "Wow! I could NEVER do that! You must be so special!" or "Wow! What an incredible difference you make!" Thing is, when it is your life . . . it doesn't feel like I'm that special, or that a huge difference is made--at least not at my ground-level vision. In fact, just like my group home jobs of the past when I supported adults and children with special needs and intellectual disabilities, I would cringe at the comments of how "only special people can do that work," and try hard to restrain myself from my speech of inclusiveness. Anyways . . .
As I take a hotline call, or complete an intake, or work to resolve an issue for one of these people I serve, my heart aches very often for them. There's a level of connection in how I see myself years ago in their eyes, but for entirely different reasons. My PTSD and past struggles does not compare in the least and does not negate their experiences, but I can see the raw reality of what abuse does in just their eyes.
Broken. When I see, or hear the tears and the fears and the confusion of what to do . . . I see myself years ago. A part of my current journey I am on has been meeting with my counselor and plodding through the muck to get to better ground. In many ways my brokenness has just been patched up or left as-is. Those are the areas I'm choosing to focus on, which is not easy. My eating disorder treatment shed light on my lack of emotional intelligence, for example. A recent reflection on the fruit of the spirit showed me how I have a high level of patience to a fault, but severely lack gentleness and peace is forever fleeting because the undertow of anxiety that my past has brought prevents me from tranquility and calmness. I can see these things in their eyes and I wish I could do more than just give them a place to lay their head for a short period of time. I also think of who saw it in my eyes and how they helped me and I wonder, years later, if this chance meeting for an hour will have been so impactful that they remember. You never really know the impact you're making or you have made in someone's life.
Battered. I could get into the physical hurt I see come into the doors, but that's not mine to share. Instead, I hear it in a voice and see it in the eyes. Hurt people bleed in other ways than physically and it is very hard to not let it take your breath away. So many people would find it easy to deny seeing, or even push those people away. Like the homeless panhandlers on the side of the road, which is so common to see in Waco. They stand for hours with a sign they reuse and avoid eye contact with you because looking into the eyes reveals the bruises of the heart. I am reminded how I used to avoid eye contact, sometimes I still do, because the person may see too much of what I don't want anyone to see. I'd love to say, "God sees what you went through," but it is not my place. Instead, I live out what I believe in my actions . . . the quote by an unknown person rings true, "Preach the Gospel at all times, sometimes use words." There's also a reality that we all have a certain amount of a battered heart, but for many different reasons. It can be so easy for us to dismiss one reason and embrace others but our denial of the cause does not negate the reality of it for that person. I know because so many in my life had denied the reality of my own causes. Sometimes I think it is easier for people to deny the cause because acknowledging it challenges their worldview and beliefs. I remember a time when it challenged mine so much that I actually wrestled with Christianity and whether or not I still believed in this God--even in spite of the battered heart I had. I was angry, but some how I actually never dealt with anger towards God like many often do. Instead, I felt abandoned. I don't know which is worse, but I can tell you the pain of feeling like the God you believed in abandoned you and I hope you never are in that place; it is a dark, lonely, evil place. I am thankful though for having been there because I realized Who God really is and reconciled my pain and the tension a battered heart can have with a Good God who loves me.
Hope-full. There's a glimpse sometimes I see in these people at work where hope seems gone. Whether it is life that's beat them down, or the abuser or their circumstances hope seems gone. Sometimes it takes one person to help them form a goal that ignites in them a flicker of hope again. This takes me back to days deep in my PTSD and depression where life was happiless, hopeless, and helpless--not worth living at all. There's a darkness that overcasts you when you have lost hope and it is so hard to see in someone. Then, I think of the people who broke through that for me and reached out to me and shared a hope they had. In my case, the Gospel was shared with me by a 9th grade classmate named Kelly. In college, another person that broke through the hopeless veil was Pastor Fred. And later on in my 20s it was a great therapist named Julie. These three people broke through moments of hopelessness in my life where the darkness could have won and overtaken, but for their hope lighting a glimmer in my heart it didn't. So I find myself intentionally working to increase my hope more than I had yesterday so that I have enough to ignite a tiny glimmer in one person at work. I need to be hope-FULL so that someone could become hopeful.
This is just one piece of my present life right now while I'm here on this Abraham Journey. I enjoy it, and I know it has nothing to do with me and how "special" I am, but everything to do with the fact that I am called to make the most of every moment and preach the gospel at all times--even in my actions.
As I take a hotline call, or complete an intake, or work to resolve an issue for one of these people I serve, my heart aches very often for them. There's a level of connection in how I see myself years ago in their eyes, but for entirely different reasons. My PTSD and past struggles does not compare in the least and does not negate their experiences, but I can see the raw reality of what abuse does in just their eyes.
Broken. When I see, or hear the tears and the fears and the confusion of what to do . . . I see myself years ago. A part of my current journey I am on has been meeting with my counselor and plodding through the muck to get to better ground. In many ways my brokenness has just been patched up or left as-is. Those are the areas I'm choosing to focus on, which is not easy. My eating disorder treatment shed light on my lack of emotional intelligence, for example. A recent reflection on the fruit of the spirit showed me how I have a high level of patience to a fault, but severely lack gentleness and peace is forever fleeting because the undertow of anxiety that my past has brought prevents me from tranquility and calmness. I can see these things in their eyes and I wish I could do more than just give them a place to lay their head for a short period of time. I also think of who saw it in my eyes and how they helped me and I wonder, years later, if this chance meeting for an hour will have been so impactful that they remember. You never really know the impact you're making or you have made in someone's life.
Battered. I could get into the physical hurt I see come into the doors, but that's not mine to share. Instead, I hear it in a voice and see it in the eyes. Hurt people bleed in other ways than physically and it is very hard to not let it take your breath away. So many people would find it easy to deny seeing, or even push those people away. Like the homeless panhandlers on the side of the road, which is so common to see in Waco. They stand for hours with a sign they reuse and avoid eye contact with you because looking into the eyes reveals the bruises of the heart. I am reminded how I used to avoid eye contact, sometimes I still do, because the person may see too much of what I don't want anyone to see. I'd love to say, "God sees what you went through," but it is not my place. Instead, I live out what I believe in my actions . . . the quote by an unknown person rings true, "Preach the Gospel at all times, sometimes use words." There's also a reality that we all have a certain amount of a battered heart, but for many different reasons. It can be so easy for us to dismiss one reason and embrace others but our denial of the cause does not negate the reality of it for that person. I know because so many in my life had denied the reality of my own causes. Sometimes I think it is easier for people to deny the cause because acknowledging it challenges their worldview and beliefs. I remember a time when it challenged mine so much that I actually wrestled with Christianity and whether or not I still believed in this God--even in spite of the battered heart I had. I was angry, but some how I actually never dealt with anger towards God like many often do. Instead, I felt abandoned. I don't know which is worse, but I can tell you the pain of feeling like the God you believed in abandoned you and I hope you never are in that place; it is a dark, lonely, evil place. I am thankful though for having been there because I realized Who God really is and reconciled my pain and the tension a battered heart can have with a Good God who loves me.
Hope-full. There's a glimpse sometimes I see in these people at work where hope seems gone. Whether it is life that's beat them down, or the abuser or their circumstances hope seems gone. Sometimes it takes one person to help them form a goal that ignites in them a flicker of hope again. This takes me back to days deep in my PTSD and depression where life was happiless, hopeless, and helpless--not worth living at all. There's a darkness that overcasts you when you have lost hope and it is so hard to see in someone. Then, I think of the people who broke through that for me and reached out to me and shared a hope they had. In my case, the Gospel was shared with me by a 9th grade classmate named Kelly. In college, another person that broke through the hopeless veil was Pastor Fred. And later on in my 20s it was a great therapist named Julie. These three people broke through moments of hopelessness in my life where the darkness could have won and overtaken, but for their hope lighting a glimmer in my heart it didn't. So I find myself intentionally working to increase my hope more than I had yesterday so that I have enough to ignite a tiny glimmer in one person at work. I need to be hope-FULL so that someone could become hopeful.
This is just one piece of my present life right now while I'm here on this Abraham Journey. I enjoy it, and I know it has nothing to do with me and how "special" I am, but everything to do with the fact that I am called to make the most of every moment and preach the gospel at all times--even in my actions.
Monday, March 6, 2017
When the Fog Lifts
For several decades it has been common for me to have a sort of fog hang over my head from October-February. In recent years it hasn't been nearly as thick as it was this year. I think a combination of not having a significant connection to a church family and not having any family event here in Texas made this year incredibly difficult. Still, I managed to be present at a Thanksgiving Day event and a Christmas one as well. It was hard on Christmas, so I had to decide to forgo one invite because it was just too much and I developed a cold that, strangely, was better the next day. I have noticed the past several weeks a newly found energy and excitement for life that seemed to have vanished during the foggy months.
In the middle of all of this was the start of a new year. This is the third year I have picked a word for the year. 2015 was "complete" and 2016 was "goals." This time around, I picked the word "believe." It seems to fit nicely with several things I am struggling with, along with things I feel led to focus on this year.
When fog lifts, there's this wetness you see on the grass, vehicles, and sometimes even the cement has a wet hue. I am noticing this within myself as well. There's a greater tenderness inside me and I find myself weeping over the silliest things. My newly adopted cat, Vivienne, is one that makes me get teary-eyed often, mostly because my heart swells for love for her. I also get teary-eyed over different revelations I have been having, especially when it comes to changes with different friendships and relationships I have had.
There's also this relief that happens as well, especially if you're navigating through the fog and suddenly come out the other side. The clarity with which you can see is nearly unbelievable in contrast with the blinding thickness you were just in. I feel like this is also true for me. It seems like this past fog season, I was heavily confused and unsure about many things. I even started wondering if living in Texas still was wise for me. I had a job change during it as well after having my hours cut severely and surprisingly by my employer at the time for no clear reason. I also have developed new friendships and let go of some others. Additionally, I have received clarity on what I do and do not want to be a part of, as well as what I want to allow within my home.
The most important thing coming out of this fog is a newly formed strength to begin to see myself with God's eyes. I'm not where I need to be with it, but I am a lot further than I ever have been. When I have encountered statements that are not true, or lies from Satan, I have been able to call it out. Now, I'm more determined to fight back with the Truth. I have also been about to set and keep boundaries I never thought I was worthy of enforcing before.
Fog is thick. It is scary. It is blinding. It slows you down. I'm always thankful when it lifts this time of year, but even more so this year.
In the middle of all of this was the start of a new year. This is the third year I have picked a word for the year. 2015 was "complete" and 2016 was "goals." This time around, I picked the word "believe." It seems to fit nicely with several things I am struggling with, along with things I feel led to focus on this year.
When fog lifts, there's this wetness you see on the grass, vehicles, and sometimes even the cement has a wet hue. I am noticing this within myself as well. There's a greater tenderness inside me and I find myself weeping over the silliest things. My newly adopted cat, Vivienne, is one that makes me get teary-eyed often, mostly because my heart swells for love for her. I also get teary-eyed over different revelations I have been having, especially when it comes to changes with different friendships and relationships I have had.
There's also this relief that happens as well, especially if you're navigating through the fog and suddenly come out the other side. The clarity with which you can see is nearly unbelievable in contrast with the blinding thickness you were just in. I feel like this is also true for me. It seems like this past fog season, I was heavily confused and unsure about many things. I even started wondering if living in Texas still was wise for me. I had a job change during it as well after having my hours cut severely and surprisingly by my employer at the time for no clear reason. I also have developed new friendships and let go of some others. Additionally, I have received clarity on what I do and do not want to be a part of, as well as what I want to allow within my home.
The most important thing coming out of this fog is a newly formed strength to begin to see myself with God's eyes. I'm not where I need to be with it, but I am a lot further than I ever have been. When I have encountered statements that are not true, or lies from Satan, I have been able to call it out. Now, I'm more determined to fight back with the Truth. I have also been about to set and keep boundaries I never thought I was worthy of enforcing before.
Fog is thick. It is scary. It is blinding. It slows you down. I'm always thankful when it lifts this time of year, but even more so this year.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Perception vs. Truth
One of the things on my mind lately is the tension that exists between our perception and Truth. Our eyes see things, our brain interprets what it sees, our emotions respond, and our actions spill out in response. Truth, on the other hand, is a "fact or belief accepted as truth" and in some circles, Truth doesn't exist. For the Christian, it does and it should be sought after in ever perceived situation.
For most of my life, there's been this constant battle of my perception of something said, a situation that happened, or another person's perception verses the truth of the situation. One of these most difficult situations was sexual abuse that I went through as a kid for 5 years at the expense of a family member. For me, the Truth was it happened for a very long time. My perception of the situation as a young child led to my fear of being in trouble. In fact, a year after it started I found out what was going on was actually wrong. All I knew as a little 11 year old was that this was wrong and bad. My perception of that response led me to great fear. I had to hide it for the sake of being in trouble for something that was so wrong and bad they did a skit about it in school, and hid it I did. Years later, it came out due to a friend's mom reporting it to the county as any mandated reporter should upon hearing this type of news. For my extended family members who eventually found out, I was not believed. There was a lot of shock behind what they found out and a lot of disbelief. Their perception was that they saw nothing, experienced nothing themselves, and so their Truth was I was lying. The funny thing is, the Truth existed whether I was even able to perceive it myself. For nearly two years, I thought it was normal and completely okay. My Truth was even not Truth until I found out the facts and realized that what I believed was not truth and should not have been accepted as such. Man, how confusing it is to explain now. It is no wonder the 10th grader dealing with it was nothing but confused at the time.
Another situation was dealing with Major Depressive Disorder & Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in college. My perceptions at the time were so far from the Truth of the situation because I was having flashbacks to the above abuse every single day, sometimes even 10 times or more each day. I was constantly having to battle this overwhelming feeling that life was pointless and worthless, even my body didn't want to move or get out of bed. The pointless, worthless life combined with visions of horrible situations I was sure I had put behind me, but would not stop replaying. They'd show up at a glance of a plaid shirt, a smell of Old Spice, or sometimes even a simple sentence. My perceptions were not Truth and I knew it, but I didn't know what to do at first. Years of counseling later, I no longer have PTSD or MDD, although you never are really "cured" from them. They just go dormant and can resurface later on in life.
I will say that I feel like there's a lifestyle that comes with depression that is hard to overcome and, for me, it has sometimes been harder to overcome the lifestyle than the depression itself. The lifestyle is a bent towards apathy and a lack of initiative. An example could be found in any area of life, but a very common one is self-care. MDD makes it impossible some days to care for yourself, let alone function well. Bathing takes as much effort as bench pressing 1000 pounds some days. Brushing your teeth may be the very last thought in your mind when you first wake up simply because your brain is overthinking everything and never shuts off. Caring at all about what you wear, or how your hair looks can also be a very apathetic thing. When the cycle of MDD is over, the lifestyle often remains though. Suddenly, a bunch of bad habits that developed due to this mental illness exist and you have to constantly fight back into a healthier way of living. Life becomes worthwhile enough that you can fight through any ounce of apathy and muster the ability to self-care and experience how good it feels to brush your teeth, take a shower, and wear clean clothes. Your Truth suddenly changes into a fact: you are worthy and life is beautiful.
All too often we get hung up on what others may perceive about us and what the Truth is. I know this is human nature, none of us want to be perceived negatively. We also don't want to admit we have characteristics about us that others may not like. For the past month, I have gone on about 6 interviews. Every single person asked me, "What are your top three weaknesses and strengths?" Who doesn't hear that and try to put a positive spin on the negative?! I mean, what would happen if we honestly said something like, "One of my weaknesses is the tendency to back-stab my coworkers if I think they're better than me?" Of course none of us would be brutally honest like that in an interview! Don't we need to be brutally honest like that to ourselves though? Is it so bad to take the time and process the root of the situation that is causing you such a strong emotional response? Here's one example.
In college, while dealing with my PTSD and MDD, I was in and out of jobs. My boss at JoAnn Fabrics & Crafts rehired me for a third time due to college breaks and summer break that was policy as part-time folks couldn't go on vacations. We were filling out the paperwork and she asked me, "Emily, you're not as happy as you used to be. What's going on?" And for the sake of brutal honesty, I told her that I was in counseling for PTSD and MDD and had so much hurt, sadness, anger, and pain that it was hard to smile unless I was being paid to. She looked at me and said, "Well, if you have a bad day, call me and tell me that. I can take you off the schedule anytime. And if you're having a good day and not on the schedule, call me and I'll let you know if I need you." This was how I was able to work through that year of hard counseling. Gale was the best boss I have ever had because she was willing to hear me, understand, and work with me. She knew the Truth about me was that I'm fun, loving, bubbly, and committed to everything I do. PTSD and MDD robbed those qualities from me for a time, but Gale knew they were True to who I was. As a result, I had a purpose to wake up to and some sort of income to live on. Later on, in counseling I found out that the struggle with job retention was my fear of disapproval, inability to see myself as an equal person of equal value with others, and an inability to not connect conflict with hatred. There was several perceptions I have come to believe as fact that prevented me from seeing the Truth for many years.
Fast-forward to today. We have a potential candidate for President that has a history of treating women horribly. He even bragged about his violations of women, which was the equivalent of rape. And in one swoop says, "I'm sorry. I was wrong." And many are coming to his defense and criticizing those of us who are speaking out in outrage. Unfortunately, I know what happens when you're grabbed by your p---y" without your consent and the fact and Truth of the matter is this: No apology will make it better. For decades I fought to believe life was worth living because of someone doing what this potential president thinks is okay. And for years, many Christians said to me, "Just forgive and forget," or, "You need to forgive him and you'll be better." The thing is, forgiveness in Christ doesn't mean acceptance of a wrong. A person who is verbally abusive and finds every reason to defend their actions, is still verbally abusive. Their defense just adds to the sentence, "They are verbally abusive and think it is okay." The Truth is rape is wrong. Bragging about raping women is wrong. And statistically speaking, abusers in any form are unable to consistently stop this behavior, even if they'd want to. As long as we defend the abusers and excuse them, we are part of the problem. If the abusers seeking forgiveness was a proper response, the Catholic Church would not have had so many cases of sexual abuse over the years. We live in a culture that doesn't care about Truth, but each person's perception.
Perception often denies the Truth and that is something we all need to realize.
For most of my life, there's been this constant battle of my perception of something said, a situation that happened, or another person's perception verses the truth of the situation. One of these most difficult situations was sexual abuse that I went through as a kid for 5 years at the expense of a family member. For me, the Truth was it happened for a very long time. My perception of the situation as a young child led to my fear of being in trouble. In fact, a year after it started I found out what was going on was actually wrong. All I knew as a little 11 year old was that this was wrong and bad. My perception of that response led me to great fear. I had to hide it for the sake of being in trouble for something that was so wrong and bad they did a skit about it in school, and hid it I did. Years later, it came out due to a friend's mom reporting it to the county as any mandated reporter should upon hearing this type of news. For my extended family members who eventually found out, I was not believed. There was a lot of shock behind what they found out and a lot of disbelief. Their perception was that they saw nothing, experienced nothing themselves, and so their Truth was I was lying. The funny thing is, the Truth existed whether I was even able to perceive it myself. For nearly two years, I thought it was normal and completely okay. My Truth was even not Truth until I found out the facts and realized that what I believed was not truth and should not have been accepted as such. Man, how confusing it is to explain now. It is no wonder the 10th grader dealing with it was nothing but confused at the time.
Another situation was dealing with Major Depressive Disorder & Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in college. My perceptions at the time were so far from the Truth of the situation because I was having flashbacks to the above abuse every single day, sometimes even 10 times or more each day. I was constantly having to battle this overwhelming feeling that life was pointless and worthless, even my body didn't want to move or get out of bed. The pointless, worthless life combined with visions of horrible situations I was sure I had put behind me, but would not stop replaying. They'd show up at a glance of a plaid shirt, a smell of Old Spice, or sometimes even a simple sentence. My perceptions were not Truth and I knew it, but I didn't know what to do at first. Years of counseling later, I no longer have PTSD or MDD, although you never are really "cured" from them. They just go dormant and can resurface later on in life.
I will say that I feel like there's a lifestyle that comes with depression that is hard to overcome and, for me, it has sometimes been harder to overcome the lifestyle than the depression itself. The lifestyle is a bent towards apathy and a lack of initiative. An example could be found in any area of life, but a very common one is self-care. MDD makes it impossible some days to care for yourself, let alone function well. Bathing takes as much effort as bench pressing 1000 pounds some days. Brushing your teeth may be the very last thought in your mind when you first wake up simply because your brain is overthinking everything and never shuts off. Caring at all about what you wear, or how your hair looks can also be a very apathetic thing. When the cycle of MDD is over, the lifestyle often remains though. Suddenly, a bunch of bad habits that developed due to this mental illness exist and you have to constantly fight back into a healthier way of living. Life becomes worthwhile enough that you can fight through any ounce of apathy and muster the ability to self-care and experience how good it feels to brush your teeth, take a shower, and wear clean clothes. Your Truth suddenly changes into a fact: you are worthy and life is beautiful.
All too often we get hung up on what others may perceive about us and what the Truth is. I know this is human nature, none of us want to be perceived negatively. We also don't want to admit we have characteristics about us that others may not like. For the past month, I have gone on about 6 interviews. Every single person asked me, "What are your top three weaknesses and strengths?" Who doesn't hear that and try to put a positive spin on the negative?! I mean, what would happen if we honestly said something like, "One of my weaknesses is the tendency to back-stab my coworkers if I think they're better than me?" Of course none of us would be brutally honest like that in an interview! Don't we need to be brutally honest like that to ourselves though? Is it so bad to take the time and process the root of the situation that is causing you such a strong emotional response? Here's one example.
In college, while dealing with my PTSD and MDD, I was in and out of jobs. My boss at JoAnn Fabrics & Crafts rehired me for a third time due to college breaks and summer break that was policy as part-time folks couldn't go on vacations. We were filling out the paperwork and she asked me, "Emily, you're not as happy as you used to be. What's going on?" And for the sake of brutal honesty, I told her that I was in counseling for PTSD and MDD and had so much hurt, sadness, anger, and pain that it was hard to smile unless I was being paid to. She looked at me and said, "Well, if you have a bad day, call me and tell me that. I can take you off the schedule anytime. And if you're having a good day and not on the schedule, call me and I'll let you know if I need you." This was how I was able to work through that year of hard counseling. Gale was the best boss I have ever had because she was willing to hear me, understand, and work with me. She knew the Truth about me was that I'm fun, loving, bubbly, and committed to everything I do. PTSD and MDD robbed those qualities from me for a time, but Gale knew they were True to who I was. As a result, I had a purpose to wake up to and some sort of income to live on. Later on, in counseling I found out that the struggle with job retention was my fear of disapproval, inability to see myself as an equal person of equal value with others, and an inability to not connect conflict with hatred. There was several perceptions I have come to believe as fact that prevented me from seeing the Truth for many years.
Fast-forward to today. We have a potential candidate for President that has a history of treating women horribly. He even bragged about his violations of women, which was the equivalent of rape. And in one swoop says, "I'm sorry. I was wrong." And many are coming to his defense and criticizing those of us who are speaking out in outrage. Unfortunately, I know what happens when you're grabbed by your p---y" without your consent and the fact and Truth of the matter is this: No apology will make it better. For decades I fought to believe life was worth living because of someone doing what this potential president thinks is okay. And for years, many Christians said to me, "Just forgive and forget," or, "You need to forgive him and you'll be better." The thing is, forgiveness in Christ doesn't mean acceptance of a wrong. A person who is verbally abusive and finds every reason to defend their actions, is still verbally abusive. Their defense just adds to the sentence, "They are verbally abusive and think it is okay." The Truth is rape is wrong. Bragging about raping women is wrong. And statistically speaking, abusers in any form are unable to consistently stop this behavior, even if they'd want to. As long as we defend the abusers and excuse them, we are part of the problem. If the abusers seeking forgiveness was a proper response, the Catholic Church would not have had so many cases of sexual abuse over the years. We live in a culture that doesn't care about Truth, but each person's perception.
Perception often denies the Truth and that is something we all need to realize.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
What am I doing?!
Do you ever have moments where you make a decision which you are very confident in, but later you scream inside, "What am I doing?!" I have been having several of those moments lately. While this Abraham Journey continues to be a journey and my path is lit by a tiny candle so I only see a few steps ahead of me, it can be unsettling to have these moments.
I started thinking again of Abraham's journey, in particular Genesis 22 where he was initially instructed to sacrifice Isaac as a test of his obedience to God. I have always found the story unsettling and morbid if I'm honest. It is one of those things I plan to chat it up with God in heaven while drinking Starbucks; both opportunities will be available to me in heaven I believe. I don't have to understand God's methods to get Abraham's attention, just like you don't have to understand God's methods to get my attention. Every post on this blog, for example, could sound just as crazy to you, but it is still my story and potentially something you could take away. In this story of Abe and Isaac, I wonder sometimes what Abe was thinking, what he was feeling, and what he was convinced of during the process leading up to the ram showing up. The History Channel's production of this story is interesting to me. It portrays Abe as being a firm, silent follower with moments of thinking of what his wife would say. Then, it shows Sarah finding out and the emotional response to it as well. Biblically, there's no evidence Sarah ever knew it happened so they took some creative rights there, but it does show us one thing: God will sometimes request of us to do things we ourselves would not normally be able to do, or choose to do apart from Him.
I am a prayer partner for a few missionaries who are spreading the love of God to muslims in a couple "closed" countries. One person is a single woman who gave up her single life here in America to share Jesus in a country and region that could land her in jail. I am confident that this decision didn't come from her core being, but was a process and a result of God directing her and remaining with her during the fruition of this decision. Another missionary I pray for is a family that is in a region and country of the world that is always in the news, has been recently a site of war involving the USA, and is still very much unsettled. I have heard the husband and wife share about their journey to decide to do this, even with their children being young and having more children while living in that region. They admitted saying, "What am I doing?!" and "What are we doing?!", but they always came back to the realization that God is both worth obeying and will provide support for the journey ahead.
There's many areas right now where I am at this place of "freak out" . . . that place of throwing my hands up and humanly saying, "What the hell am I doing, God?! You really want me to do this?!" I am finding it okay to be in this place and sit there a little bit because Jesus, in His own humanity, had a freak out moment too.
"And taking with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee [James and John], He began to be grieved and greatly distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, so that I am almost dying of sorrow. Stay here and stay awake and keep watch with Me.” " (Matthew 26:37-38, AMP) Not only did Jesus go to a secret, safe place of His to process His human feelings, but He also included His 3 closest friends. He brought them along and then opened up to them the magnitude of what He was feeling. I see the feelings of sadness, fear, pain, unsettled, anxiety, restlessness, heart ache, vulnerability, and being exposed. He was trying to rely on His friends for safety, protection, and comfort.
"And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “So, you men could not stay awake and keep watch with Me for one hour?" " (Matthew 26:40, AMP) Jesus goes away for a little bit and when He returns, the folks He reached out to were so comfortable that they feel asleep! This is something that is insightful because when we are in these "freak out" moments, others may think it's not a big deal, or see the magnitude of what's ahead. The disciples were certainly historically clueless to a lot of things and their full understanding didn't come until after Jesus' death and resurrection. This is important to realize because, as my earlier post spoke of, God's wired humans to have a certain connection with others. When we seek to rely upon others in our "freak out" moments, we may be poorly supported. The reason for poor support is just like the disciples poor support of Jesus. They didn't understand everything Jesus told them and if they did grasp a piece of it, they were often in denial and rationalized it away. Our friends cannot understand what God is doing in our lives when what is ahead of us is such a personal request from God of us, no matter how we describe it. The few that do understand a small portion may say, "Oh, I could never do that?!" Others may even think that it's offensive and morbid when they realize what you're being led to do. Why would that not happen in a relationship with God that is supposed to be deeply personal? How many romantic relationships do we see among our friends and family? When they make a decision to marry fast, never use birth control and have as many children as God gives them, or even to move a certain place . . . really any decisions we may not understand or choose ourselves . . . we often think, "WOW! That's CRAZY?!" Our relationship with God ought to be just a personal and, therefore, potentially just as misunderstood by others around us.
And then, Jesus says the best words I believe He ever uttered from His humanity: "And after going a little farther, He fell face down and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible [that is, consistent with Your will], let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” " (Matthew 26:39, 42, 44, AMP) Jesus had to tell Himself this three times just to get it into His thick, human head so that it could penetrate His soft, human heart. When we have moments of "freak out" we need to do the same. I need to say right now, in my present situations, "God, I think this is crazy. I don't even know that I can do what You're asking. If there's another way, that would ROCK! Yet, I trust You and what You've laid before me. I will surrender to You and Your will and believe You will supply the strength and provisions needed for me to obey. I want Your will, not mine." Talk about the hardest sentence ever! Yet it is also the most beautiful.
Here's to saying that over and over again.
I started thinking again of Abraham's journey, in particular Genesis 22 where he was initially instructed to sacrifice Isaac as a test of his obedience to God. I have always found the story unsettling and morbid if I'm honest. It is one of those things I plan to chat it up with God in heaven while drinking Starbucks; both opportunities will be available to me in heaven I believe. I don't have to understand God's methods to get Abraham's attention, just like you don't have to understand God's methods to get my attention. Every post on this blog, for example, could sound just as crazy to you, but it is still my story and potentially something you could take away. In this story of Abe and Isaac, I wonder sometimes what Abe was thinking, what he was feeling, and what he was convinced of during the process leading up to the ram showing up. The History Channel's production of this story is interesting to me. It portrays Abe as being a firm, silent follower with moments of thinking of what his wife would say. Then, it shows Sarah finding out and the emotional response to it as well. Biblically, there's no evidence Sarah ever knew it happened so they took some creative rights there, but it does show us one thing: God will sometimes request of us to do things we ourselves would not normally be able to do, or choose to do apart from Him.
I am a prayer partner for a few missionaries who are spreading the love of God to muslims in a couple "closed" countries. One person is a single woman who gave up her single life here in America to share Jesus in a country and region that could land her in jail. I am confident that this decision didn't come from her core being, but was a process and a result of God directing her and remaining with her during the fruition of this decision. Another missionary I pray for is a family that is in a region and country of the world that is always in the news, has been recently a site of war involving the USA, and is still very much unsettled. I have heard the husband and wife share about their journey to decide to do this, even with their children being young and having more children while living in that region. They admitted saying, "What am I doing?!" and "What are we doing?!", but they always came back to the realization that God is both worth obeying and will provide support for the journey ahead.
There's many areas right now where I am at this place of "freak out" . . . that place of throwing my hands up and humanly saying, "What the hell am I doing, God?! You really want me to do this?!" I am finding it okay to be in this place and sit there a little bit because Jesus, in His own humanity, had a freak out moment too.
"And taking with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee [James and John], He began to be grieved and greatly distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, so that I am almost dying of sorrow. Stay here and stay awake and keep watch with Me.” " (Matthew 26:37-38, AMP) Not only did Jesus go to a secret, safe place of His to process His human feelings, but He also included His 3 closest friends. He brought them along and then opened up to them the magnitude of what He was feeling. I see the feelings of sadness, fear, pain, unsettled, anxiety, restlessness, heart ache, vulnerability, and being exposed. He was trying to rely on His friends for safety, protection, and comfort.
"And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “So, you men could not stay awake and keep watch with Me for one hour?" " (Matthew 26:40, AMP) Jesus goes away for a little bit and when He returns, the folks He reached out to were so comfortable that they feel asleep! This is something that is insightful because when we are in these "freak out" moments, others may think it's not a big deal, or see the magnitude of what's ahead. The disciples were certainly historically clueless to a lot of things and their full understanding didn't come until after Jesus' death and resurrection. This is important to realize because, as my earlier post spoke of, God's wired humans to have a certain connection with others. When we seek to rely upon others in our "freak out" moments, we may be poorly supported. The reason for poor support is just like the disciples poor support of Jesus. They didn't understand everything Jesus told them and if they did grasp a piece of it, they were often in denial and rationalized it away. Our friends cannot understand what God is doing in our lives when what is ahead of us is such a personal request from God of us, no matter how we describe it. The few that do understand a small portion may say, "Oh, I could never do that?!" Others may even think that it's offensive and morbid when they realize what you're being led to do. Why would that not happen in a relationship with God that is supposed to be deeply personal? How many romantic relationships do we see among our friends and family? When they make a decision to marry fast, never use birth control and have as many children as God gives them, or even to move a certain place . . . really any decisions we may not understand or choose ourselves . . . we often think, "WOW! That's CRAZY?!" Our relationship with God ought to be just a personal and, therefore, potentially just as misunderstood by others around us.
And then, Jesus says the best words I believe He ever uttered from His humanity: "And after going a little farther, He fell face down and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible [that is, consistent with Your will], let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” " (Matthew 26:39, 42, 44, AMP) Jesus had to tell Himself this three times just to get it into His thick, human head so that it could penetrate His soft, human heart. When we have moments of "freak out" we need to do the same. I need to say right now, in my present situations, "God, I think this is crazy. I don't even know that I can do what You're asking. If there's another way, that would ROCK! Yet, I trust You and what You've laid before me. I will surrender to You and Your will and believe You will supply the strength and provisions needed for me to obey. I want Your will, not mine." Talk about the hardest sentence ever! Yet it is also the most beautiful.
Here's to saying that over and over again.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Connection
"A connection is the energy that exists between two people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship." ~ Brene Brown ~
One of the hardest parts of this move to Texas was uprooting just after finally having a great sense of connection at my previous church. I had only been living in the Twin Cities for three years before I got the push from God to Texas. I was active in an awesome Small Group that saw me off when I moved, encouraged me at my last small group, and many have kept in touch no matter the distance between us. I left it all to move to a town where the only people I knew, I met during a one week visit three months before.
To say the move here to Waco has been easy would be false. The process of getting here was a breeze. Me, my car, and the road; it was a beautiful three day adventure. In the short time I have been here I have moved twice, been a part of 6 small groups-4 of which disbanded suddenly, had things stolen from me by a roommate, and been flat out ignored and treated like I was invisible more times than I could count. Feeling a connection with anyone, or anything has been the hardest thing ever.
Lately, I have been feeling lonely. Now, let me say, just because I'm single doesn't mean my loneliness is for a guy or to be married. Actually, I'm content right now with that portion of my life. I realized recently it is a loneliness for a good girlfriend, which is surprising! I have always been a gal who had loads of guy friends and hung out with them easily. Girlfriends on the other hand were not as successful, or even healthy relationships and influences. To satisfy this craving, I did what every single Christian has been told to do when lonely: turn to God. The belief is, by turning to God and getting your needs met by Him first, you won't be lonely and life will be great. While I think it is important to get your needs met by God first, I am starting to realize that this isn't the complete prescription for loneliness. There's another prescription that needs to be combined to successfully cure loneliness: connection with others.
I am coming to this awakening that Jesus traveled in groups because He knew connection was vital, not only to His ministry, but to His well-being as a human. He always was well connected to God, but still felt forsaken by Him on the cross because the people closest to Him turned their backs on Him and had Him crucified. He had a large crowd following, but a small group He invested personal time with to disciple, grow, and take over His ministry, but He also had an even smaller posse of three dudes He loved like brothers and told everything to. He was connected so deeply and so fulfilled.
We talk about the need for a small group often in churches. We talk about how we need to live in community and be known, which I fully agree with. I am surprised that we never talk about connection and really being known by each other and seen, heard, and valued. I do not think Jesus' ministry would have amounted to much if there had not been a connection with those three friends of His. I don't think the human side of Him could have maintained it by Himself. It is one thing to be known over the surface and an entirely different thing to be known deeply.
This is the root of what I'm seeing as my struggle with loneliness. I'm glad to see it, but frustrated because there's a long list of reasons since I have moved her that it doesn't exist. There have been glimpses of it, but it changes rapidly and surprisingly at times. The hope for it to change will come in due time. Meanwhile, I am aware of the emptiness that remains.
One of the hardest parts of this move to Texas was uprooting just after finally having a great sense of connection at my previous church. I had only been living in the Twin Cities for three years before I got the push from God to Texas. I was active in an awesome Small Group that saw me off when I moved, encouraged me at my last small group, and many have kept in touch no matter the distance between us. I left it all to move to a town where the only people I knew, I met during a one week visit three months before.
To say the move here to Waco has been easy would be false. The process of getting here was a breeze. Me, my car, and the road; it was a beautiful three day adventure. In the short time I have been here I have moved twice, been a part of 6 small groups-4 of which disbanded suddenly, had things stolen from me by a roommate, and been flat out ignored and treated like I was invisible more times than I could count. Feeling a connection with anyone, or anything has been the hardest thing ever.
Lately, I have been feeling lonely. Now, let me say, just because I'm single doesn't mean my loneliness is for a guy or to be married. Actually, I'm content right now with that portion of my life. I realized recently it is a loneliness for a good girlfriend, which is surprising! I have always been a gal who had loads of guy friends and hung out with them easily. Girlfriends on the other hand were not as successful, or even healthy relationships and influences. To satisfy this craving, I did what every single Christian has been told to do when lonely: turn to God. The belief is, by turning to God and getting your needs met by Him first, you won't be lonely and life will be great. While I think it is important to get your needs met by God first, I am starting to realize that this isn't the complete prescription for loneliness. There's another prescription that needs to be combined to successfully cure loneliness: connection with others.
I am coming to this awakening that Jesus traveled in groups because He knew connection was vital, not only to His ministry, but to His well-being as a human. He always was well connected to God, but still felt forsaken by Him on the cross because the people closest to Him turned their backs on Him and had Him crucified. He had a large crowd following, but a small group He invested personal time with to disciple, grow, and take over His ministry, but He also had an even smaller posse of three dudes He loved like brothers and told everything to. He was connected so deeply and so fulfilled.
We talk about the need for a small group often in churches. We talk about how we need to live in community and be known, which I fully agree with. I am surprised that we never talk about connection and really being known by each other and seen, heard, and valued. I do not think Jesus' ministry would have amounted to much if there had not been a connection with those three friends of His. I don't think the human side of Him could have maintained it by Himself. It is one thing to be known over the surface and an entirely different thing to be known deeply.
This is the root of what I'm seeing as my struggle with loneliness. I'm glad to see it, but frustrated because there's a long list of reasons since I have moved her that it doesn't exist. There have been glimpses of it, but it changes rapidly and surprisingly at times. The hope for it to change will come in due time. Meanwhile, I am aware of the emptiness that remains.
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