For several decades it has been common for me to have a sort of fog hang over my head from October-February. In recent years it hasn't been nearly as thick as it was this year. I think a combination of not having a significant connection to a church family and not having any family event here in Texas made this year incredibly difficult. Still, I managed to be present at a Thanksgiving Day event and a Christmas one as well. It was hard on Christmas, so I had to decide to forgo one invite because it was just too much and I developed a cold that, strangely, was better the next day. I have noticed the past several weeks a newly found energy and excitement for life that seemed to have vanished during the foggy months.
In the middle of all of this was the start of a new year. This is the third year I have picked a word for the year. 2015 was "complete" and 2016 was "goals." This time around, I picked the word "believe." It seems to fit nicely with several things I am struggling with, along with things I feel led to focus on this year.
When fog lifts, there's this wetness you see on the grass, vehicles, and sometimes even the cement has a wet hue. I am noticing this within myself as well. There's a greater tenderness inside me and I find myself weeping over the silliest things. My newly adopted cat, Vivienne, is one that makes me get teary-eyed often, mostly because my heart swells for love for her. I also get teary-eyed over different revelations I have been having, especially when it comes to changes with different friendships and relationships I have had.
There's also this relief that happens as well, especially if you're navigating through the fog and suddenly come out the other side. The clarity with which you can see is nearly unbelievable in contrast with the blinding thickness you were just in. I feel like this is also true for me. It seems like this past fog season, I was heavily confused and unsure about many things. I even started wondering if living in Texas still was wise for me. I had a job change during it as well after having my hours cut severely and surprisingly by my employer at the time for no clear reason. I also have developed new friendships and let go of some others. Additionally, I have received clarity on what I do and do not want to be a part of, as well as what I want to allow within my home.
The most important thing coming out of this fog is a newly formed strength to begin to see myself with God's eyes. I'm not where I need to be with it, but I am a lot further than I ever have been. When I have encountered statements that are not true, or lies from Satan, I have been able to call it out. Now, I'm more determined to fight back with the Truth. I have also been about to set and keep boundaries I never thought I was worthy of enforcing before.
Fog is thick. It is scary. It is blinding. It slows you down. I'm always thankful when it lifts this time of year, but even more so this year.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Perception vs. Truth
One of the things on my mind lately is the tension that exists between our perception and Truth. Our eyes see things, our brain interprets what it sees, our emotions respond, and our actions spill out in response. Truth, on the other hand, is a "fact or belief accepted as truth" and in some circles, Truth doesn't exist. For the Christian, it does and it should be sought after in ever perceived situation.
For most of my life, there's been this constant battle of my perception of something said, a situation that happened, or another person's perception verses the truth of the situation. One of these most difficult situations was sexual abuse that I went through as a kid for 5 years at the expense of a family member. For me, the Truth was it happened for a very long time. My perception of the situation as a young child led to my fear of being in trouble. In fact, a year after it started I found out what was going on was actually wrong. All I knew as a little 11 year old was that this was wrong and bad. My perception of that response led me to great fear. I had to hide it for the sake of being in trouble for something that was so wrong and bad they did a skit about it in school, and hid it I did. Years later, it came out due to a friend's mom reporting it to the county as any mandated reporter should upon hearing this type of news. For my extended family members who eventually found out, I was not believed. There was a lot of shock behind what they found out and a lot of disbelief. Their perception was that they saw nothing, experienced nothing themselves, and so their Truth was I was lying. The funny thing is, the Truth existed whether I was even able to perceive it myself. For nearly two years, I thought it was normal and completely okay. My Truth was even not Truth until I found out the facts and realized that what I believed was not truth and should not have been accepted as such. Man, how confusing it is to explain now. It is no wonder the 10th grader dealing with it was nothing but confused at the time.
Another situation was dealing with Major Depressive Disorder & Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in college. My perceptions at the time were so far from the Truth of the situation because I was having flashbacks to the above abuse every single day, sometimes even 10 times or more each day. I was constantly having to battle this overwhelming feeling that life was pointless and worthless, even my body didn't want to move or get out of bed. The pointless, worthless life combined with visions of horrible situations I was sure I had put behind me, but would not stop replaying. They'd show up at a glance of a plaid shirt, a smell of Old Spice, or sometimes even a simple sentence. My perceptions were not Truth and I knew it, but I didn't know what to do at first. Years of counseling later, I no longer have PTSD or MDD, although you never are really "cured" from them. They just go dormant and can resurface later on in life.
I will say that I feel like there's a lifestyle that comes with depression that is hard to overcome and, for me, it has sometimes been harder to overcome the lifestyle than the depression itself. The lifestyle is a bent towards apathy and a lack of initiative. An example could be found in any area of life, but a very common one is self-care. MDD makes it impossible some days to care for yourself, let alone function well. Bathing takes as much effort as bench pressing 1000 pounds some days. Brushing your teeth may be the very last thought in your mind when you first wake up simply because your brain is overthinking everything and never shuts off. Caring at all about what you wear, or how your hair looks can also be a very apathetic thing. When the cycle of MDD is over, the lifestyle often remains though. Suddenly, a bunch of bad habits that developed due to this mental illness exist and you have to constantly fight back into a healthier way of living. Life becomes worthwhile enough that you can fight through any ounce of apathy and muster the ability to self-care and experience how good it feels to brush your teeth, take a shower, and wear clean clothes. Your Truth suddenly changes into a fact: you are worthy and life is beautiful.
All too often we get hung up on what others may perceive about us and what the Truth is. I know this is human nature, none of us want to be perceived negatively. We also don't want to admit we have characteristics about us that others may not like. For the past month, I have gone on about 6 interviews. Every single person asked me, "What are your top three weaknesses and strengths?" Who doesn't hear that and try to put a positive spin on the negative?! I mean, what would happen if we honestly said something like, "One of my weaknesses is the tendency to back-stab my coworkers if I think they're better than me?" Of course none of us would be brutally honest like that in an interview! Don't we need to be brutally honest like that to ourselves though? Is it so bad to take the time and process the root of the situation that is causing you such a strong emotional response? Here's one example.
In college, while dealing with my PTSD and MDD, I was in and out of jobs. My boss at JoAnn Fabrics & Crafts rehired me for a third time due to college breaks and summer break that was policy as part-time folks couldn't go on vacations. We were filling out the paperwork and she asked me, "Emily, you're not as happy as you used to be. What's going on?" And for the sake of brutal honesty, I told her that I was in counseling for PTSD and MDD and had so much hurt, sadness, anger, and pain that it was hard to smile unless I was being paid to. She looked at me and said, "Well, if you have a bad day, call me and tell me that. I can take you off the schedule anytime. And if you're having a good day and not on the schedule, call me and I'll let you know if I need you." This was how I was able to work through that year of hard counseling. Gale was the best boss I have ever had because she was willing to hear me, understand, and work with me. She knew the Truth about me was that I'm fun, loving, bubbly, and committed to everything I do. PTSD and MDD robbed those qualities from me for a time, but Gale knew they were True to who I was. As a result, I had a purpose to wake up to and some sort of income to live on. Later on, in counseling I found out that the struggle with job retention was my fear of disapproval, inability to see myself as an equal person of equal value with others, and an inability to not connect conflict with hatred. There was several perceptions I have come to believe as fact that prevented me from seeing the Truth for many years.
Fast-forward to today. We have a potential candidate for President that has a history of treating women horribly. He even bragged about his violations of women, which was the equivalent of rape. And in one swoop says, "I'm sorry. I was wrong." And many are coming to his defense and criticizing those of us who are speaking out in outrage. Unfortunately, I know what happens when you're grabbed by your p---y" without your consent and the fact and Truth of the matter is this: No apology will make it better. For decades I fought to believe life was worth living because of someone doing what this potential president thinks is okay. And for years, many Christians said to me, "Just forgive and forget," or, "You need to forgive him and you'll be better." The thing is, forgiveness in Christ doesn't mean acceptance of a wrong. A person who is verbally abusive and finds every reason to defend their actions, is still verbally abusive. Their defense just adds to the sentence, "They are verbally abusive and think it is okay." The Truth is rape is wrong. Bragging about raping women is wrong. And statistically speaking, abusers in any form are unable to consistently stop this behavior, even if they'd want to. As long as we defend the abusers and excuse them, we are part of the problem. If the abusers seeking forgiveness was a proper response, the Catholic Church would not have had so many cases of sexual abuse over the years. We live in a culture that doesn't care about Truth, but each person's perception.
Perception often denies the Truth and that is something we all need to realize.
For most of my life, there's been this constant battle of my perception of something said, a situation that happened, or another person's perception verses the truth of the situation. One of these most difficult situations was sexual abuse that I went through as a kid for 5 years at the expense of a family member. For me, the Truth was it happened for a very long time. My perception of the situation as a young child led to my fear of being in trouble. In fact, a year after it started I found out what was going on was actually wrong. All I knew as a little 11 year old was that this was wrong and bad. My perception of that response led me to great fear. I had to hide it for the sake of being in trouble for something that was so wrong and bad they did a skit about it in school, and hid it I did. Years later, it came out due to a friend's mom reporting it to the county as any mandated reporter should upon hearing this type of news. For my extended family members who eventually found out, I was not believed. There was a lot of shock behind what they found out and a lot of disbelief. Their perception was that they saw nothing, experienced nothing themselves, and so their Truth was I was lying. The funny thing is, the Truth existed whether I was even able to perceive it myself. For nearly two years, I thought it was normal and completely okay. My Truth was even not Truth until I found out the facts and realized that what I believed was not truth and should not have been accepted as such. Man, how confusing it is to explain now. It is no wonder the 10th grader dealing with it was nothing but confused at the time.
Another situation was dealing with Major Depressive Disorder & Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in college. My perceptions at the time were so far from the Truth of the situation because I was having flashbacks to the above abuse every single day, sometimes even 10 times or more each day. I was constantly having to battle this overwhelming feeling that life was pointless and worthless, even my body didn't want to move or get out of bed. The pointless, worthless life combined with visions of horrible situations I was sure I had put behind me, but would not stop replaying. They'd show up at a glance of a plaid shirt, a smell of Old Spice, or sometimes even a simple sentence. My perceptions were not Truth and I knew it, but I didn't know what to do at first. Years of counseling later, I no longer have PTSD or MDD, although you never are really "cured" from them. They just go dormant and can resurface later on in life.
I will say that I feel like there's a lifestyle that comes with depression that is hard to overcome and, for me, it has sometimes been harder to overcome the lifestyle than the depression itself. The lifestyle is a bent towards apathy and a lack of initiative. An example could be found in any area of life, but a very common one is self-care. MDD makes it impossible some days to care for yourself, let alone function well. Bathing takes as much effort as bench pressing 1000 pounds some days. Brushing your teeth may be the very last thought in your mind when you first wake up simply because your brain is overthinking everything and never shuts off. Caring at all about what you wear, or how your hair looks can also be a very apathetic thing. When the cycle of MDD is over, the lifestyle often remains though. Suddenly, a bunch of bad habits that developed due to this mental illness exist and you have to constantly fight back into a healthier way of living. Life becomes worthwhile enough that you can fight through any ounce of apathy and muster the ability to self-care and experience how good it feels to brush your teeth, take a shower, and wear clean clothes. Your Truth suddenly changes into a fact: you are worthy and life is beautiful.
All too often we get hung up on what others may perceive about us and what the Truth is. I know this is human nature, none of us want to be perceived negatively. We also don't want to admit we have characteristics about us that others may not like. For the past month, I have gone on about 6 interviews. Every single person asked me, "What are your top three weaknesses and strengths?" Who doesn't hear that and try to put a positive spin on the negative?! I mean, what would happen if we honestly said something like, "One of my weaknesses is the tendency to back-stab my coworkers if I think they're better than me?" Of course none of us would be brutally honest like that in an interview! Don't we need to be brutally honest like that to ourselves though? Is it so bad to take the time and process the root of the situation that is causing you such a strong emotional response? Here's one example.
In college, while dealing with my PTSD and MDD, I was in and out of jobs. My boss at JoAnn Fabrics & Crafts rehired me for a third time due to college breaks and summer break that was policy as part-time folks couldn't go on vacations. We were filling out the paperwork and she asked me, "Emily, you're not as happy as you used to be. What's going on?" And for the sake of brutal honesty, I told her that I was in counseling for PTSD and MDD and had so much hurt, sadness, anger, and pain that it was hard to smile unless I was being paid to. She looked at me and said, "Well, if you have a bad day, call me and tell me that. I can take you off the schedule anytime. And if you're having a good day and not on the schedule, call me and I'll let you know if I need you." This was how I was able to work through that year of hard counseling. Gale was the best boss I have ever had because she was willing to hear me, understand, and work with me. She knew the Truth about me was that I'm fun, loving, bubbly, and committed to everything I do. PTSD and MDD robbed those qualities from me for a time, but Gale knew they were True to who I was. As a result, I had a purpose to wake up to and some sort of income to live on. Later on, in counseling I found out that the struggle with job retention was my fear of disapproval, inability to see myself as an equal person of equal value with others, and an inability to not connect conflict with hatred. There was several perceptions I have come to believe as fact that prevented me from seeing the Truth for many years.
Fast-forward to today. We have a potential candidate for President that has a history of treating women horribly. He even bragged about his violations of women, which was the equivalent of rape. And in one swoop says, "I'm sorry. I was wrong." And many are coming to his defense and criticizing those of us who are speaking out in outrage. Unfortunately, I know what happens when you're grabbed by your p---y" without your consent and the fact and Truth of the matter is this: No apology will make it better. For decades I fought to believe life was worth living because of someone doing what this potential president thinks is okay. And for years, many Christians said to me, "Just forgive and forget," or, "You need to forgive him and you'll be better." The thing is, forgiveness in Christ doesn't mean acceptance of a wrong. A person who is verbally abusive and finds every reason to defend their actions, is still verbally abusive. Their defense just adds to the sentence, "They are verbally abusive and think it is okay." The Truth is rape is wrong. Bragging about raping women is wrong. And statistically speaking, abusers in any form are unable to consistently stop this behavior, even if they'd want to. As long as we defend the abusers and excuse them, we are part of the problem. If the abusers seeking forgiveness was a proper response, the Catholic Church would not have had so many cases of sexual abuse over the years. We live in a culture that doesn't care about Truth, but each person's perception.
Perception often denies the Truth and that is something we all need to realize.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
What am I doing?!
Do you ever have moments where you make a decision which you are very confident in, but later you scream inside, "What am I doing?!" I have been having several of those moments lately. While this Abraham Journey continues to be a journey and my path is lit by a tiny candle so I only see a few steps ahead of me, it can be unsettling to have these moments.
I started thinking again of Abraham's journey, in particular Genesis 22 where he was initially instructed to sacrifice Isaac as a test of his obedience to God. I have always found the story unsettling and morbid if I'm honest. It is one of those things I plan to chat it up with God in heaven while drinking Starbucks; both opportunities will be available to me in heaven I believe. I don't have to understand God's methods to get Abraham's attention, just like you don't have to understand God's methods to get my attention. Every post on this blog, for example, could sound just as crazy to you, but it is still my story and potentially something you could take away. In this story of Abe and Isaac, I wonder sometimes what Abe was thinking, what he was feeling, and what he was convinced of during the process leading up to the ram showing up. The History Channel's production of this story is interesting to me. It portrays Abe as being a firm, silent follower with moments of thinking of what his wife would say. Then, it shows Sarah finding out and the emotional response to it as well. Biblically, there's no evidence Sarah ever knew it happened so they took some creative rights there, but it does show us one thing: God will sometimes request of us to do things we ourselves would not normally be able to do, or choose to do apart from Him.
I am a prayer partner for a few missionaries who are spreading the love of God to muslims in a couple "closed" countries. One person is a single woman who gave up her single life here in America to share Jesus in a country and region that could land her in jail. I am confident that this decision didn't come from her core being, but was a process and a result of God directing her and remaining with her during the fruition of this decision. Another missionary I pray for is a family that is in a region and country of the world that is always in the news, has been recently a site of war involving the USA, and is still very much unsettled. I have heard the husband and wife share about their journey to decide to do this, even with their children being young and having more children while living in that region. They admitted saying, "What am I doing?!" and "What are we doing?!", but they always came back to the realization that God is both worth obeying and will provide support for the journey ahead.
There's many areas right now where I am at this place of "freak out" . . . that place of throwing my hands up and humanly saying, "What the hell am I doing, God?! You really want me to do this?!" I am finding it okay to be in this place and sit there a little bit because Jesus, in His own humanity, had a freak out moment too.
"And taking with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee [James and John], He began to be grieved and greatly distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, so that I am almost dying of sorrow. Stay here and stay awake and keep watch with Me.” " (Matthew 26:37-38, AMP) Not only did Jesus go to a secret, safe place of His to process His human feelings, but He also included His 3 closest friends. He brought them along and then opened up to them the magnitude of what He was feeling. I see the feelings of sadness, fear, pain, unsettled, anxiety, restlessness, heart ache, vulnerability, and being exposed. He was trying to rely on His friends for safety, protection, and comfort.
"And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “So, you men could not stay awake and keep watch with Me for one hour?" " (Matthew 26:40, AMP) Jesus goes away for a little bit and when He returns, the folks He reached out to were so comfortable that they feel asleep! This is something that is insightful because when we are in these "freak out" moments, others may think it's not a big deal, or see the magnitude of what's ahead. The disciples were certainly historically clueless to a lot of things and their full understanding didn't come until after Jesus' death and resurrection. This is important to realize because, as my earlier post spoke of, God's wired humans to have a certain connection with others. When we seek to rely upon others in our "freak out" moments, we may be poorly supported. The reason for poor support is just like the disciples poor support of Jesus. They didn't understand everything Jesus told them and if they did grasp a piece of it, they were often in denial and rationalized it away. Our friends cannot understand what God is doing in our lives when what is ahead of us is such a personal request from God of us, no matter how we describe it. The few that do understand a small portion may say, "Oh, I could never do that?!" Others may even think that it's offensive and morbid when they realize what you're being led to do. Why would that not happen in a relationship with God that is supposed to be deeply personal? How many romantic relationships do we see among our friends and family? When they make a decision to marry fast, never use birth control and have as many children as God gives them, or even to move a certain place . . . really any decisions we may not understand or choose ourselves . . . we often think, "WOW! That's CRAZY?!" Our relationship with God ought to be just a personal and, therefore, potentially just as misunderstood by others around us.
And then, Jesus says the best words I believe He ever uttered from His humanity: "And after going a little farther, He fell face down and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible [that is, consistent with Your will], let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” " (Matthew 26:39, 42, 44, AMP) Jesus had to tell Himself this three times just to get it into His thick, human head so that it could penetrate His soft, human heart. When we have moments of "freak out" we need to do the same. I need to say right now, in my present situations, "God, I think this is crazy. I don't even know that I can do what You're asking. If there's another way, that would ROCK! Yet, I trust You and what You've laid before me. I will surrender to You and Your will and believe You will supply the strength and provisions needed for me to obey. I want Your will, not mine." Talk about the hardest sentence ever! Yet it is also the most beautiful.
Here's to saying that over and over again.
I started thinking again of Abraham's journey, in particular Genesis 22 where he was initially instructed to sacrifice Isaac as a test of his obedience to God. I have always found the story unsettling and morbid if I'm honest. It is one of those things I plan to chat it up with God in heaven while drinking Starbucks; both opportunities will be available to me in heaven I believe. I don't have to understand God's methods to get Abraham's attention, just like you don't have to understand God's methods to get my attention. Every post on this blog, for example, could sound just as crazy to you, but it is still my story and potentially something you could take away. In this story of Abe and Isaac, I wonder sometimes what Abe was thinking, what he was feeling, and what he was convinced of during the process leading up to the ram showing up. The History Channel's production of this story is interesting to me. It portrays Abe as being a firm, silent follower with moments of thinking of what his wife would say. Then, it shows Sarah finding out and the emotional response to it as well. Biblically, there's no evidence Sarah ever knew it happened so they took some creative rights there, but it does show us one thing: God will sometimes request of us to do things we ourselves would not normally be able to do, or choose to do apart from Him.
I am a prayer partner for a few missionaries who are spreading the love of God to muslims in a couple "closed" countries. One person is a single woman who gave up her single life here in America to share Jesus in a country and region that could land her in jail. I am confident that this decision didn't come from her core being, but was a process and a result of God directing her and remaining with her during the fruition of this decision. Another missionary I pray for is a family that is in a region and country of the world that is always in the news, has been recently a site of war involving the USA, and is still very much unsettled. I have heard the husband and wife share about their journey to decide to do this, even with their children being young and having more children while living in that region. They admitted saying, "What am I doing?!" and "What are we doing?!", but they always came back to the realization that God is both worth obeying and will provide support for the journey ahead.
There's many areas right now where I am at this place of "freak out" . . . that place of throwing my hands up and humanly saying, "What the hell am I doing, God?! You really want me to do this?!" I am finding it okay to be in this place and sit there a little bit because Jesus, in His own humanity, had a freak out moment too.
"And taking with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee [James and John], He began to be grieved and greatly distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, so that I am almost dying of sorrow. Stay here and stay awake and keep watch with Me.” " (Matthew 26:37-38, AMP) Not only did Jesus go to a secret, safe place of His to process His human feelings, but He also included His 3 closest friends. He brought them along and then opened up to them the magnitude of what He was feeling. I see the feelings of sadness, fear, pain, unsettled, anxiety, restlessness, heart ache, vulnerability, and being exposed. He was trying to rely on His friends for safety, protection, and comfort.
"And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “So, you men could not stay awake and keep watch with Me for one hour?" " (Matthew 26:40, AMP) Jesus goes away for a little bit and when He returns, the folks He reached out to were so comfortable that they feel asleep! This is something that is insightful because when we are in these "freak out" moments, others may think it's not a big deal, or see the magnitude of what's ahead. The disciples were certainly historically clueless to a lot of things and their full understanding didn't come until after Jesus' death and resurrection. This is important to realize because, as my earlier post spoke of, God's wired humans to have a certain connection with others. When we seek to rely upon others in our "freak out" moments, we may be poorly supported. The reason for poor support is just like the disciples poor support of Jesus. They didn't understand everything Jesus told them and if they did grasp a piece of it, they were often in denial and rationalized it away. Our friends cannot understand what God is doing in our lives when what is ahead of us is such a personal request from God of us, no matter how we describe it. The few that do understand a small portion may say, "Oh, I could never do that?!" Others may even think that it's offensive and morbid when they realize what you're being led to do. Why would that not happen in a relationship with God that is supposed to be deeply personal? How many romantic relationships do we see among our friends and family? When they make a decision to marry fast, never use birth control and have as many children as God gives them, or even to move a certain place . . . really any decisions we may not understand or choose ourselves . . . we often think, "WOW! That's CRAZY?!" Our relationship with God ought to be just a personal and, therefore, potentially just as misunderstood by others around us.
And then, Jesus says the best words I believe He ever uttered from His humanity: "And after going a little farther, He fell face down and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible [that is, consistent with Your will], let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” " (Matthew 26:39, 42, 44, AMP) Jesus had to tell Himself this three times just to get it into His thick, human head so that it could penetrate His soft, human heart. When we have moments of "freak out" we need to do the same. I need to say right now, in my present situations, "God, I think this is crazy. I don't even know that I can do what You're asking. If there's another way, that would ROCK! Yet, I trust You and what You've laid before me. I will surrender to You and Your will and believe You will supply the strength and provisions needed for me to obey. I want Your will, not mine." Talk about the hardest sentence ever! Yet it is also the most beautiful.
Here's to saying that over and over again.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Connection
"A connection is the energy that exists between two people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship." ~ Brene Brown ~
One of the hardest parts of this move to Texas was uprooting just after finally having a great sense of connection at my previous church. I had only been living in the Twin Cities for three years before I got the push from God to Texas. I was active in an awesome Small Group that saw me off when I moved, encouraged me at my last small group, and many have kept in touch no matter the distance between us. I left it all to move to a town where the only people I knew, I met during a one week visit three months before.
To say the move here to Waco has been easy would be false. The process of getting here was a breeze. Me, my car, and the road; it was a beautiful three day adventure. In the short time I have been here I have moved twice, been a part of 6 small groups-4 of which disbanded suddenly, had things stolen from me by a roommate, and been flat out ignored and treated like I was invisible more times than I could count. Feeling a connection with anyone, or anything has been the hardest thing ever.
Lately, I have been feeling lonely. Now, let me say, just because I'm single doesn't mean my loneliness is for a guy or to be married. Actually, I'm content right now with that portion of my life. I realized recently it is a loneliness for a good girlfriend, which is surprising! I have always been a gal who had loads of guy friends and hung out with them easily. Girlfriends on the other hand were not as successful, or even healthy relationships and influences. To satisfy this craving, I did what every single Christian has been told to do when lonely: turn to God. The belief is, by turning to God and getting your needs met by Him first, you won't be lonely and life will be great. While I think it is important to get your needs met by God first, I am starting to realize that this isn't the complete prescription for loneliness. There's another prescription that needs to be combined to successfully cure loneliness: connection with others.
I am coming to this awakening that Jesus traveled in groups because He knew connection was vital, not only to His ministry, but to His well-being as a human. He always was well connected to God, but still felt forsaken by Him on the cross because the people closest to Him turned their backs on Him and had Him crucified. He had a large crowd following, but a small group He invested personal time with to disciple, grow, and take over His ministry, but He also had an even smaller posse of three dudes He loved like brothers and told everything to. He was connected so deeply and so fulfilled.
We talk about the need for a small group often in churches. We talk about how we need to live in community and be known, which I fully agree with. I am surprised that we never talk about connection and really being known by each other and seen, heard, and valued. I do not think Jesus' ministry would have amounted to much if there had not been a connection with those three friends of His. I don't think the human side of Him could have maintained it by Himself. It is one thing to be known over the surface and an entirely different thing to be known deeply.
This is the root of what I'm seeing as my struggle with loneliness. I'm glad to see it, but frustrated because there's a long list of reasons since I have moved her that it doesn't exist. There have been glimpses of it, but it changes rapidly and surprisingly at times. The hope for it to change will come in due time. Meanwhile, I am aware of the emptiness that remains.
One of the hardest parts of this move to Texas was uprooting just after finally having a great sense of connection at my previous church. I had only been living in the Twin Cities for three years before I got the push from God to Texas. I was active in an awesome Small Group that saw me off when I moved, encouraged me at my last small group, and many have kept in touch no matter the distance between us. I left it all to move to a town where the only people I knew, I met during a one week visit three months before.
To say the move here to Waco has been easy would be false. The process of getting here was a breeze. Me, my car, and the road; it was a beautiful three day adventure. In the short time I have been here I have moved twice, been a part of 6 small groups-4 of which disbanded suddenly, had things stolen from me by a roommate, and been flat out ignored and treated like I was invisible more times than I could count. Feeling a connection with anyone, or anything has been the hardest thing ever.
Lately, I have been feeling lonely. Now, let me say, just because I'm single doesn't mean my loneliness is for a guy or to be married. Actually, I'm content right now with that portion of my life. I realized recently it is a loneliness for a good girlfriend, which is surprising! I have always been a gal who had loads of guy friends and hung out with them easily. Girlfriends on the other hand were not as successful, or even healthy relationships and influences. To satisfy this craving, I did what every single Christian has been told to do when lonely: turn to God. The belief is, by turning to God and getting your needs met by Him first, you won't be lonely and life will be great. While I think it is important to get your needs met by God first, I am starting to realize that this isn't the complete prescription for loneliness. There's another prescription that needs to be combined to successfully cure loneliness: connection with others.
I am coming to this awakening that Jesus traveled in groups because He knew connection was vital, not only to His ministry, but to His well-being as a human. He always was well connected to God, but still felt forsaken by Him on the cross because the people closest to Him turned their backs on Him and had Him crucified. He had a large crowd following, but a small group He invested personal time with to disciple, grow, and take over His ministry, but He also had an even smaller posse of three dudes He loved like brothers and told everything to. He was connected so deeply and so fulfilled.
We talk about the need for a small group often in churches. We talk about how we need to live in community and be known, which I fully agree with. I am surprised that we never talk about connection and really being known by each other and seen, heard, and valued. I do not think Jesus' ministry would have amounted to much if there had not been a connection with those three friends of His. I don't think the human side of Him could have maintained it by Himself. It is one thing to be known over the surface and an entirely different thing to be known deeply.
This is the root of what I'm seeing as my struggle with loneliness. I'm glad to see it, but frustrated because there's a long list of reasons since I have moved her that it doesn't exist. There have been glimpses of it, but it changes rapidly and surprisingly at times. The hope for it to change will come in due time. Meanwhile, I am aware of the emptiness that remains.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Breathe In; Breathe Out.
Do not be anxious or
worried about anything,
but in everything [every circumstance and
situation]
by prayer and petition with thanksgiving,
continue to make
your [specific] requests known to God.
And
the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace]
which transcends all understanding,
[that peace which] stands guard over
your hearts
and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours].
~ Philippians 4:6-7 (AMP) ~
Life is hard to live.
Let that revelation sink in for a moment. Have you ever felt the heaviness, weightiness life brings? Many people have not, which I will call them beyond blessed. For many others, you know exactly what I am saying.
Years ago, as a kid, I remember believing my life was not worth living. I was a ninth grader and a vast majority who knew me in my tiny small town in Minnesota had no idea what I felt inside. A few decades later, I no longer deal with suicidal ideation or even significant amounts of depression, but life is still hard to live some days.
In my present life, there's a lot going on and most of it is a story that is not mine to tell. Instead, it will be documented in my private journal to be read long after I'm gone by a family member I don't yet have; perhaps a daughter who becomes amazed at what all I really did in life that I never admitted to her. What is going on though is a constant reminder to me that life is as hard as it is worth living to the fullest.
Many people are fortunate to have someone believe in them and the person they could become. I remember being asked in high school, who my favorite teacher was. Mr. Cody is still my favorite teacher and he is now a principal in North Dakota of all places. The reason he remains my favorite teacher is because he believed in me and set me on the course of not giving up when life was hard to live. Who was that for you? Who would say you are that person for them? I believe everyone should have someone who believes in them, even if the cards are stacked against them--and believe me, for some, the cards are stacked like a skyscraper.
Right now, I'm heading into unfamiliar territory. I have not ever really filled this role before. I dreamt last night I was starring in a play for the very first time. It was opening night and I was so nervous, I couldn't eat supper. Here I was at a buffet table full of everything I loved and no ability to enjoy any of it. I woke up amused at how our brains process our life's happenings even while we're sleeping, seemingly dead to the world.
I was once in a small group for a period of time in my hometown in Minnesota. We were a hodge-podge of young adults who believed in Jesus and wanted to grow deeper. We had roots in Catholicism, Evangelical Covenant, Methodist, Non-Denominational, Lutheran, and a nice sprinkling of Evangelical Free as far as our denominational make-up went. Our meetings were as imperfect as they were impactful to my own spiritual journey. We studied this book that went through various spiritual disciplines; things like labyrinths, Bible reading plans, prayer, and other things. We took different turns leading these discussions. I recall one that really has helped me live life when it is so hard.
My friend, Logan, covered a section on prayer. One of the methods of prayer he shared was breathing Scripture. Taking a verse to meditate on and pray through and into your life, while also breathing purposefully. It sounds odd at first and is a bit awkward to do in a group, but once you master the technique in your private devotional time, it can be so freeing. It reminds me of learning to meditate or various breathing exercises I was taught in treatment to help refocus my mind. Instead of tapping into the modern new age movement, I tap into my Christian faith and use the Bible to give me a solid focus. Finding my "inner self" or my "zen" or even my "universe" does not sound as reliable to me as the Truth of God's Word.
Lately, I have spent some time practicing breathing Scripture with Philippians 4:6-7. And it goes something like this:
Do not **breathe in**
be anxious or
worried about anything, **breathe out**
but in everything ** breathe in**
[every circumstance and
situation] **breathe out**
by prayer **breathe in**
and petition **breathe out**
with thanksgiving, **breathe in**
continue **breathe out**
to make
your [specific] requests known to God. **breathe in**
And
the peace of God**breathe out**
[that peace which reassures the heart **breathe in**,
that peace], which transcends all understanding, **breathe out**
[that peace which] stands guard over
your hearts **breathe in**
and your minds **breathe out**
in Christ Jesus **breathe in**
[is yours]. **breathe out**
It is so simple, yet so powerful. And it helps me know that this life is not up to me to master. This life is not up to me to conquer. And this life is not for me to figure out alone, in my head. And when life is the hardest, I don't have to have it all figured out. And, for the sake of deepest honesty, I don't have to have all my ducks in a row, shit together, or even be the master of adulting. I just need to live life one step at a time, breathing in and out slowly.
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Guideposts, Confirmation, and Direction
I often wonder what the Bible doesn't tell us about Abraham's journey; the journey my life parallels. I wonder if the desert had signs of others having gone on a journey. The Oregon Trail was a similar journey and one that was critical in American history. There were always guideposts and markers along the way, the help people know they were still on the Oregon Trail. There were trading posts at critical distances that would be able to supply food, clothes, blankets, and repairs for the wagons. Some had medical doctors too. Often times while traveling, a couple of strong men from the traveling group (which was anywhere from 3-8 families or more) would go ahead on horseback and double check the trail and clear it for the wagons to pass through. It wasn't uncommon for trees to be down in the way, or any other hazards. In some cases, the men would move ahead several days and reach the posts to get food if the group was low and then leave the food along the trail. Abraham didn't have these luxuries. He went to "a land [God] will show [him]" and he packed up his family, animals, and possessions and traveled on his journey. He had no map, no guideposts, and no testimony of people who had traveled to this land before him. It was an unwritten journey, unique to Abe. Abe had to trust God for everything and to be everything he needed. God was his guideposts, his map, his trading post to provide needs for the journey, and his compass. My Abraham journey has been quite similar.
Right now a guidepost appeared the past three weeks in the form of 10 people, 6 of whom were complete strangers when I met them. Three of them I was prompted to share a word of encouragement from God to them. Each time the word from God was EXACTLY what was needed to encourage them to move forward. Each person told me, "What?! I don't even know you and what you said was something I have been questioning and wondering about! How did you know?! God really spoke to me!" Six of the people are desiring going to church together after being away for awhile, or struggle to go alone. Some are even interested in coming to life group with me, a few already have. This is a guidepost for me because it confirms to me that I need to be in Waco. It confirms to me that right now I am where I am supposed to be. I shared in a previous post how easy it can be to doubt that you're where you're supposed to be, or question if you heard God correctly and discerned appropriately what He was saying. Well, sharing words of encouragement with strangers will get you out of your comfort zone really fast. When they are blown away that a stranger they have never met has a word for them and the word is spot on, it is an encouragement for them and a confirmation for you; a confirmation that you do hear and discern the Lord CLEARLY! I needed this guidepost.
Direction in the future continues to be an important thing, especially since the lease for my apartment is up June 1st. While it is nine months away and a lot can happen between now and then, it is important to prepare for the next leg in the journey. My intention is to have Southwest Assemblies of God University in Waxahachie, TX be my next leg. Right now the timing is up in the air--next year is preferred. On/off campus? On campus/online? There's so many options and I'm trying hard to move forward in little steps of obedience so that God will continue to bring clarity.
" 'For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,' says the Lord, 'plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call on Me and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear [your voice] and I will listen to you. Then, [with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital necessity] and [you will] find me when you search for Me with all your heart.' " ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13 [AMP] ~
Right now a guidepost appeared the past three weeks in the form of 10 people, 6 of whom were complete strangers when I met them. Three of them I was prompted to share a word of encouragement from God to them. Each time the word from God was EXACTLY what was needed to encourage them to move forward. Each person told me, "What?! I don't even know you and what you said was something I have been questioning and wondering about! How did you know?! God really spoke to me!" Six of the people are desiring going to church together after being away for awhile, or struggle to go alone. Some are even interested in coming to life group with me, a few already have. This is a guidepost for me because it confirms to me that I need to be in Waco. It confirms to me that right now I am where I am supposed to be. I shared in a previous post how easy it can be to doubt that you're where you're supposed to be, or question if you heard God correctly and discerned appropriately what He was saying. Well, sharing words of encouragement with strangers will get you out of your comfort zone really fast. When they are blown away that a stranger they have never met has a word for them and the word is spot on, it is an encouragement for them and a confirmation for you; a confirmation that you do hear and discern the Lord CLEARLY! I needed this guidepost.
Direction in the future continues to be an important thing, especially since the lease for my apartment is up June 1st. While it is nine months away and a lot can happen between now and then, it is important to prepare for the next leg in the journey. My intention is to have Southwest Assemblies of God University in Waxahachie, TX be my next leg. Right now the timing is up in the air--next year is preferred. On/off campus? On campus/online? There's so many options and I'm trying hard to move forward in little steps of obedience so that God will continue to bring clarity.
" 'For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,' says the Lord, 'plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call on Me and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear [your voice] and I will listen to you. Then, [with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital necessity] and [you will] find me when you search for Me with all your heart.' " ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13 [AMP] ~
Friday, September 2, 2016
August: The Silent-Blog Month
Well, I can't believe I didn't post anything in August, and very little in July. I came here so many times and nothing sounded right, or much more than me rambling.
August was a depression-filled month honestly. There was no reason, other than just general loneliness that creeps in once in awhile. I think it was also hard because I had 3 migraines in July, but 8 in August! Chronic Migraine is a hard thing to live with! It is also frustrating when I have gone months before July without very many migraines. The thought of going back on a medicine to reduce them is there, but I was hoping my brain was past that. I started realizing in August what was triggering them and that also added to the depression feelings.
I finally found a life group that I feel a part of and connected to. In fact, I have found two. I go to one Sunday nights when my work schedule has allowed me to, which has been hit-or-miss this summer. My main one meets on Tuesday nights. This is the one with my discipleship group also. It has taken me forever to finally have a small group again. It took even longer to not feel like I was imposing on friends, or watching people who are incredibly close just interact. Gosh, I am so sick of being new in church environments!! Then, one day at church it happened: a migraine aura started.
At first, I just thought my eyes were tired. But when I shut them, it got worse really fast. My aura started with dots forming in my vision, very faintly. Then, when I shut my eyes and opened them, the dots started dancing. It didn't occur to me until the dots changed colors that I knew what the problem was: lighting during worship.
The church I first attended, took a brief break from, and returned to on Easter has a new building since May. It is amazing--it was built 100% debt-free in 4 years! I love it all. Except the lighting. They added state-of-the-art lighting that is equivalent to concert lighting. There is a reason ever since my car accident I have been no longer going to live concerts: lighting effects mess with my brain too much and increase my migraines. Here I was at church of all places getting a lighting-induced migraine!!
I spent money on sunglasses and a hat. Then, wore them to church. I looked like I was hiding from the security team and off-duty police at church! I thought it would decrease my migraines, but it didn't have any affect. I finally had to make another decision: church vs migraines. Naturally, I decided to send out emails which to date I haven't even received an acknowledgement of, let alone a reply.
I started brainstorming my options with the traumatic brain injury group I'm a part of on Facebook. One person said to hide in the nursing mothers room during worship, but that's way too far away and only accessible to people who have a child or volunteer in kid's ministry for security reasons. Another person suggested sitting in the foyer for the service, but the one day I tried that, people were too loud and destructing I couldn't hear the sermon, so I just left. Another said to just watch the sermon online, but then it would be like I don't go to the church at all and not have any sort of corporate worship, which I love and need.
After lots of praying and migraines, I am trying hard to find a way to worship and go to church. I'm trying to not give up.
Another reason August was silent was God was working on me. There is a lot going on in my logos365 "goals" year, so much growth which is painful. Sometimes it is hard to know what to say here as a result. My Abraham Journey is still going on, but sometimes the desert is tough. Sometimes I found myself asking, "What the hell are you doing here in Texas of all places, Emily?!" (Just being honest!) I wonder if Abraham would have kept a journal as he traveled "to the land where God would show him" what would be in it? Or Sarah's journal? Did they have moments of wondering what on earth they were doing? No, not doubts, but moments of disbelief that they were really where they were and confusion on how they got there at the same time. 19 months ago, I knew the first stop on my Abraham journey was Waco, Texas. Now I know my next stop on my Abraham journey is Waxahachie, Texas and I still have no idea how I will land there, but I know God is faithful.
Even in the silent month of August, I still wrote. My journal entries were multiple pages each day I'd write in it. I even wrote a couple poems. My Instagram posts were more raw and honest than they ever have been before. I think I needed the silent month here to reflect on what is ahead and what will soon be behind.
Sometimes silence brings more growth than words can bring understanding.
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