"We are going to go on a journey together. We are going to go to into the house of your heart. We are going to go into the house and see what God has for us there."
What if someone told you this? What if someone was going to take you on this journey with them? What would your response be? Did you even know your heart has a house, is like a house, or even has rooms? Why would you be asked to go there? Why would you be asked to go into that house? What would God have for you there? Why? Who cares?
Valid questions. I have asked every single one of them. I don't really have answers to them. Honestly, I'm more screaming the questions out, hoping to never get answers. I silently hope I won't have to go into that house, let alone peek in. There's a fear that wells up inside of me when I think about it.
I picture the house of my heart being really, really old. My house served a purpose in its day, but maybe not the most noble of one. Picture an early 1900's profitable estate. Over the centuries, the land gets sectioned off to make a city. Estates get deeded to the city in death, or in the event debts are unpaid. One estate could have multiple buildings, especially in the south where slavery was once popular. I feel like my house is back, behind the main estate. Maybe the roof is a bit leaky, the exterior paint is chipping away; there's a cracked window or two as well. Inside the heat keeps the bitter cold away, but you still need to wrap under a heavy blanket to feel warm; you see your breath at night. There's places in that house I have never been, never seen, and never looked at. I have never had to before, so why should I now?
The hidden places inside our hearts are the places only we knew once existed and places we have only been in once, but we were alone and never want to go back to. What happened is different for all of us and it doesn't have to be traumatic, just challenging. Maybe your hidden places are moments that defined a "should not" for you? For example, maybe you were grounded for an entire summer for talking back to your mother, but you were really trying to ask questions to understand because you are a deep thinker. A hidden place for you may be where you learned, "I should not ask questions." Perhaps your hidden place is where you learned how you "should be." I had a friend in college who was raised by a great, Christian single man. Whenever her or her siblings did something wrong, he corrected them by making them read the Bible and memorize a portion of Scripture. Nothing is wrong with this type of parenting style, except that she was exasperated by this once. After she said a curse word, her father grounded her until she had memorized the entire chapter of James 3. Now she was in college, convinced that "she should be" great at this Christian college education process because she had entire chapters of the Bible memorized. When she got a lower mark on a paper, she was astounded and her world was crumbling. Neither of these hidden places were created out of anything extremely painful, but they were seeds to a false identity and a false belief in who the person was meant to be.
The dark places of our hearts are those that are easily accessible, but cannot be clearly seen without an intentional motion and a source of light. As I kid, I hated cleaning my room. (And I guess, as an adult I hate it too!) I remember I would stuff as much under the bed as I could without being obvious, so that no one would be led to think there was anything under there. I had an art for knowing the cut off, but one day I was over-confident. My mom sent my oldest sister to check my side of the room for her. There's just something about your siblings knowledge of you that can be frustrating, especially when you're trying to hide something from your parents! My sister said, "This looks good, Em, but what if I were to bend down and look under your bed? Would anything be there?" My siblings all knew I couldn't lie and they knew the faces I would make and the body language I would have that screamed louder than my silence ever could. Without me even saying a word, she looked under the bed, got up, left the room, and shouted to mom, "Nah, she's not done cleaning yet!" The dark places of our hearts are those kind of places, the places we stuff things to deal with later, or the places we can't quite reach with the duster.
I know we shouldn't be afraid to go there, but I am. I have been on my healing journey long enough to know healing is painful and brings floodgates of tears. I just don't want to deal with the emotions and would rather not feel, but feeling is all I can do. I don't know what to do with the feelings, especially since stuffing them is not an option for me anymore. For now, they just exist and, sometimes, overwhelm me. I know I need to go there and I know I need to discover these places and clean up my house, but I'm too tired, other things are too important, and not going there is far easier and less painful.
Then, I see Him. His gentle hand reaches out to me again. He says to me sweetly, "We are going to go on a journey together. We are going to go to into the house of your heart. We are going to go into the house and see what our Father-God has for us there." Without thinking twice, I grasp ahold of His hand.
Monday, September 14, 2015
Friday, September 11, 2015
Another Book on the Bookshelf
I was finally able to unpack my books a few weeks ago. As I was placing them on the bookshelf, I was grouping them into sections. I looked at each book I decided to take with me to Texas and read each individual title. I would think, "oh, yep, that's why I brought this one." And others, "Hooray! I kept it!" I love books and how you can read them over and over, getting something new out of it every time.
This is how it is with God's Word too. As I unpacked my ultimate, favorite Bible I was compelled to flip through the pages. I could see ways I wrote in it, quotes in the intro and back pages from various sermons over the years, and the highlights of some key verses. It had this crisp, new feel to it though since I haven't opened it for awhile. I have been using my Journaling Bible more and more for my Quiet Time, but I felt led to dig this Bible out and use it for my year at Discipleship School.
As I cracked it open and felt the pages, it occurred to me how so many times the Bible is just another book on the bookshelf. We may go in waves of reading it, but really can't say, "I have read through the entire Bible." I can't even say that! Now, there's quick access with Bibles on our smartphones and apps, but I feel like you lose so much out of the crinkle sound of the physical copy. I still can't say I have read it all the way cover to cover.
This is one part of Discipleship School I'm actually really excited for! We are reading several books, already tackling our 2nd book. Soon we will start our Scripture Memory and our Bible Reading Plan too. I am excited to read the Bible cover to cover for the first time in my life! I am excited for the new things I will learn and the new ways God will speak to me.
Have you read the Bible? Have you ever read it cover to cover? I'd love for you to join me! Start now!
This is how it is with God's Word too. As I unpacked my ultimate, favorite Bible I was compelled to flip through the pages. I could see ways I wrote in it, quotes in the intro and back pages from various sermons over the years, and the highlights of some key verses. It had this crisp, new feel to it though since I haven't opened it for awhile. I have been using my Journaling Bible more and more for my Quiet Time, but I felt led to dig this Bible out and use it for my year at Discipleship School.
As I cracked it open and felt the pages, it occurred to me how so many times the Bible is just another book on the bookshelf. We may go in waves of reading it, but really can't say, "I have read through the entire Bible." I can't even say that! Now, there's quick access with Bibles on our smartphones and apps, but I feel like you lose so much out of the crinkle sound of the physical copy. I still can't say I have read it all the way cover to cover.
This is one part of Discipleship School I'm actually really excited for! We are reading several books, already tackling our 2nd book. Soon we will start our Scripture Memory and our Bible Reading Plan too. I am excited to read the Bible cover to cover for the first time in my life! I am excited for the new things I will learn and the new ways God will speak to me.
Have you read the Bible? Have you ever read it cover to cover? I'd love for you to join me! Start now!
Saturday, September 5, 2015
The Beauty of Vulnerability
My therapist in Texas challenged me with the concept that being vulnerable was a good thing the very first session I had with her. I remember thinking she was nuts, but most therapists are a little nuts when you first meet them, at least in my experience. I mean they all have this outside-the-box way of thinking mixed with a crazy high they get from seeing someone have an ah-ha moment . . . so they're nuts basically! (haha!) All kidding aside, after thinking she was nuts I was terrified.
My therapist parallels our sessions with the wisdom of Dr. Brene Brown who is like the vulnerability guru I have learned. She had this great TedTalk on the power of vulnerability (youtube it, you're gonna have your mind BLOWN). My first homework assignment was to watch this clip and come back with any thought I had on the subject.
I remember thinking, "If vulnerability is so great, why is it so terrifying?" I think the answer is different for everyone, but the core of every answer is vulnerability is a risk and trust test all rolled into one. It's a risk of the relationship for you to give up various details of yourself, your story, your past, or anything really all to hope the receiving person will be strong enough and wise enough to respond back in a healthy way, equally as vulnerable. So many people can't do it. There's the element of trust that comes in then. My therapist talks about a jar of marbles as a parallel. The marbles represent pieces of your heart and your story. It's not really helpful to pour out all your marbles at once, it's safer to do a couple marbles at a time, or even one. Then, see what the person does with it. If that went well, maybe next time you see them you give them a few more, etc. A person who lives in the world of vulnerability doesn't hesitate to give their marbles away in bigger chunks at a time. This is terrifying!
I am not a vulnerable or transparent person. You may be able to look at me and have a better idea than I do about how I'm doing because I'm emotionally ignorant, but take the time to ask me why I am feeling that way and I'll clam up! This week I went with my fellow Day DTS classmates on our retreat. It was basically a crash-course of vulnerability. It really reminded me of the meals I'd eat together with my groupies in my out-patient eating disorder program at Park Nicollet-Melrose Institute back in Minnesota. We'd have exposure therapy to food together and talk about the food struggles and what to do about it. Gathering 8 people with the same exact eating disorder for a meal to talk about how your feeling, why you're feeling it, and what to do differently was intense, trust me on that one! This week was no different.
I haven't even been able to process it all yet. I have thought of a couple things as I've been back, but I feel like the biggest lesson I have learned is there really is a certain beauty within vulnerability. To be fair, we were not forced to share our hearts with each other, we chose to. We were not forced to care and be compassionate with each other, we chose to do that too. And we surely were not forced to respond in a caring, supportive, and encouraging way, but we all chose to. I only had one single interaction that was unsettling and confusing, which the parties involved and myself talked about it immediately as soon as we were able to and totally resolved it head on. It turned out to be 3 people assuming what the other was thinking, because the other didn't communicate something. Even in this misunderstanding, there was a vulnerability that was shared, but we chose that one too. I think that is the heart of vulnerability--choice. No one can force it or make it happen. You can cultivate a perfect environment for it to occur, reassure safety and confidentiality, but at the end of the day all parties have to choose to be vulnerable. Every single one of us did exactly that during the retreat.
I got to share my testimony multiple times, but not sugar-coat it so it is more palatable or more "church appropriate" but really share it. One person actually encouraged me and shared that God wants us to share our entire testimony with others because every single piece of our story has a purpose for those who hear it. Not sharing your entire faith story limits God and what he will do. It also limits how the person hearing it can respond, which is just as bad as limiting God! This really broadened my scope of the ways we can stifle the Holy Spirit! Here I was doing that for many, many years and not even knowing it.
I also was able to hear so many stories of people hearing from God, obeying God, and stepping out in faith. A majority of the class is college students, either in the middle of their degrees or freshly graduated. I would listen to these 20 somethings and the whole time, think back to when I was 20. Sure, I was pursuing God . . . sorta. I was so caught in my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder that I had flunked a semester and had to quit for a time! I was not at all waiting and listening to the Lord! There's some who are fresh out of high school even--HIGH SCHOOL! These are like my youth group kids back in Minnesota, suddenly at a crossroads and feeling the pressure to declare a major, a college, find a job, move away, and live apart from your family---5 HUGE major stressors for any other adult, but it's just expected of the 18 or 19 yr old babies in the USA! These kids felt that pressure and they turned to God and said, "I got NO idea! Holy cow! Lord, you tell me what to do!" God spoke and said, "Go to Waco, Texas." And they said, "Well, okay. I'll go because I want to obey you!" Many of them put their lives on hold for the next year, just so they can go deeper in their faith journey. It blows my mind that kids in their 20's would do this! Wow! How encouraging to see in today's generation! Their vulnerability and sharing their hearts with me was so beautiful, so honourable, and such a delight. It made me so proud of each one of them.
We got to also share our struggles with one another. This is where living vulnerably often turns ugly in Christian circles. How many times has someone come up to you with their measuring stick to measure your faith in God, or your Bible knowledge, or your ability to defend your stand on the eschatology, or measure your giftedness in prayers out loud? It's happened to me a lot. Instead of judgement and criticism, we each embraced each other and supported each other in prayer. It was such a beautiful thing that I hope I never forget seeing and experiencing.
As I shared this with my therapist today she said, "How healing for you and how beautiful. What a perfect picture of what the body of Christ really should be. There's such beauty in vulnerability." I wish I could paint the beauty I saw and felt this week. It would be a masterpiece.
My therapist parallels our sessions with the wisdom of Dr. Brene Brown who is like the vulnerability guru I have learned. She had this great TedTalk on the power of vulnerability (youtube it, you're gonna have your mind BLOWN). My first homework assignment was to watch this clip and come back with any thought I had on the subject.
I remember thinking, "If vulnerability is so great, why is it so terrifying?" I think the answer is different for everyone, but the core of every answer is vulnerability is a risk and trust test all rolled into one. It's a risk of the relationship for you to give up various details of yourself, your story, your past, or anything really all to hope the receiving person will be strong enough and wise enough to respond back in a healthy way, equally as vulnerable. So many people can't do it. There's the element of trust that comes in then. My therapist talks about a jar of marbles as a parallel. The marbles represent pieces of your heart and your story. It's not really helpful to pour out all your marbles at once, it's safer to do a couple marbles at a time, or even one. Then, see what the person does with it. If that went well, maybe next time you see them you give them a few more, etc. A person who lives in the world of vulnerability doesn't hesitate to give their marbles away in bigger chunks at a time. This is terrifying!
I am not a vulnerable or transparent person. You may be able to look at me and have a better idea than I do about how I'm doing because I'm emotionally ignorant, but take the time to ask me why I am feeling that way and I'll clam up! This week I went with my fellow Day DTS classmates on our retreat. It was basically a crash-course of vulnerability. It really reminded me of the meals I'd eat together with my groupies in my out-patient eating disorder program at Park Nicollet-Melrose Institute back in Minnesota. We'd have exposure therapy to food together and talk about the food struggles and what to do about it. Gathering 8 people with the same exact eating disorder for a meal to talk about how your feeling, why you're feeling it, and what to do differently was intense, trust me on that one! This week was no different.
I haven't even been able to process it all yet. I have thought of a couple things as I've been back, but I feel like the biggest lesson I have learned is there really is a certain beauty within vulnerability. To be fair, we were not forced to share our hearts with each other, we chose to. We were not forced to care and be compassionate with each other, we chose to do that too. And we surely were not forced to respond in a caring, supportive, and encouraging way, but we all chose to. I only had one single interaction that was unsettling and confusing, which the parties involved and myself talked about it immediately as soon as we were able to and totally resolved it head on. It turned out to be 3 people assuming what the other was thinking, because the other didn't communicate something. Even in this misunderstanding, there was a vulnerability that was shared, but we chose that one too. I think that is the heart of vulnerability--choice. No one can force it or make it happen. You can cultivate a perfect environment for it to occur, reassure safety and confidentiality, but at the end of the day all parties have to choose to be vulnerable. Every single one of us did exactly that during the retreat.
I got to share my testimony multiple times, but not sugar-coat it so it is more palatable or more "church appropriate" but really share it. One person actually encouraged me and shared that God wants us to share our entire testimony with others because every single piece of our story has a purpose for those who hear it. Not sharing your entire faith story limits God and what he will do. It also limits how the person hearing it can respond, which is just as bad as limiting God! This really broadened my scope of the ways we can stifle the Holy Spirit! Here I was doing that for many, many years and not even knowing it.
I also was able to hear so many stories of people hearing from God, obeying God, and stepping out in faith. A majority of the class is college students, either in the middle of their degrees or freshly graduated. I would listen to these 20 somethings and the whole time, think back to when I was 20. Sure, I was pursuing God . . . sorta. I was so caught in my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder that I had flunked a semester and had to quit for a time! I was not at all waiting and listening to the Lord! There's some who are fresh out of high school even--HIGH SCHOOL! These are like my youth group kids back in Minnesota, suddenly at a crossroads and feeling the pressure to declare a major, a college, find a job, move away, and live apart from your family---5 HUGE major stressors for any other adult, but it's just expected of the 18 or 19 yr old babies in the USA! These kids felt that pressure and they turned to God and said, "I got NO idea! Holy cow! Lord, you tell me what to do!" God spoke and said, "Go to Waco, Texas." And they said, "Well, okay. I'll go because I want to obey you!" Many of them put their lives on hold for the next year, just so they can go deeper in their faith journey. It blows my mind that kids in their 20's would do this! Wow! How encouraging to see in today's generation! Their vulnerability and sharing their hearts with me was so beautiful, so honourable, and such a delight. It made me so proud of each one of them.
We got to also share our struggles with one another. This is where living vulnerably often turns ugly in Christian circles. How many times has someone come up to you with their measuring stick to measure your faith in God, or your Bible knowledge, or your ability to defend your stand on the eschatology, or measure your giftedness in prayers out loud? It's happened to me a lot. Instead of judgement and criticism, we each embraced each other and supported each other in prayer. It was such a beautiful thing that I hope I never forget seeing and experiencing.
As I shared this with my therapist today she said, "How healing for you and how beautiful. What a perfect picture of what the body of Christ really should be. There's such beauty in vulnerability." I wish I could paint the beauty I saw and felt this week. It would be a masterpiece.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
A Blessed Pathway
"Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods."
~ Psalm 40:4 ~
I've been thinking of this verse quite a bit because it's a memory verse in a Bible study I'm working through. I've decided it's also my SSMT August #2 verse as well. I feel like this verse really fits with all that's been going on in the recent days. Again, there's so much . . . good, stressful, and normal for life.
My car, Bennie, is the forefront of my thoughts. I guess I'm old-school in that I believe in owning a car and driving it until it can't drive anymore. The downside of course is the repairs, but to not have a huge payment is really nice. After twice having issues with my brake system in less than 1 month apart because my original mechanic did NOTHING but take my money, fix the leak, and put things back together though . . . I wasn't prepared yet for the latest diagnosis: "new rear struts." It really got me thinking....if the engine is good, I'm the 2nd owner in Bennie's life, and he's got decent miles for his age...what do ya do?!
Then, there's the Day DTS tuition. haha God's gotta miracle there to work out on His own. Where HE calls, HE provides. The end. Period.
Trusting in the Lord for practicals has been nothing uncommon for my life. When I went to college it was no different. God had a lot to work out for me to even be able to complete my financial aid process, but He did. Then, there was my car accident a few years ago where I nearly died and was discharged 3 days later. I got my first bill 10 days later and it was $45,000. What's really interesting is through that journey, that process, that lesson . . . I no longer freak out about finances like I used to. Pay day and dates bills are due used to be a huge source of major anxiety for me, mostly because I had no one as a young adult teaching me what to do. A lot of what I have learned has been trial and error mixed with Suze Orman because I love getting solid info from a woman! (Sorry Ramsey fans, I'm not on that bandwagon!) My sister has been a HUGE support and HUGE source of wisdom followed by my 2nd oldest big bro. It's nice to be able to reach out to them for practical wisdom and advice on what they think and compare it to what I'm thinking and what I'm discerning from God. By the way, that $45,000 hospital bill turned into me actually paying about $45 of my own money! God's so good!
Then, I read the next phrase "does not look to the proud." Well, now isn't that interesting?! I think about my life and lessons I've learned about relying on God for even my daily needs like food. There was a season when I lived in Bemidji and wasn't going to college, but was working. I was struggling with a lot of depression and PTSD struggles at the time, so working took LOTS of efforts. I was able to finally get a part-time job and worked as much as they'd let me--30 hours per week to avoid having to pay me any benefits. When that money proved to not be enough and I had no food, God and I had a serious chit chat. He told me, "Go to the food shelter. They'll help you. And in 3 days (Monday) go to the Human Services building and meet with them about assistance." What?! ME?! I'm a single adult, standing on my own two feet. I'm not one of "them!" (Ever said that to yourself?) God's response is, "Yes, you are one of them. You're a human on a very fixed income that's less than the current poverty level. So what? I think you're fabulous and I want to provide for you. Trust me." Well, this conversation was over until the next day. God repeated the same thing. And I'd like to say that was it, but Sunday at church came and we had the same conversation again--a third time. When God speaks repeatedly, even in the Bible or directly to you, I recommend listening. I decided on Monday, I would go to the Food Shelf (3 days later than I was told to by God) and go from there. I had never been to a Food Shelf before in my life, so I had to fill out a sheet of paper and meet with someone. I actually cried during the entire process. I remember the lady said, "Honey, I'm glad you came in. There's so many college students we know who don't come in. They don't think they qualify for help, but they do. Any person. Any need. This is what we do." Any person? Any need? I asked the lady, "Do you have advice for what to do about my situation?" She said, "Here's a card to a social worker. I'll email her your information today. Call her tomorrow after 1pm and tell her I sent you. She'll help you out." This is God at work. Not only did He have mercy on me being hard-headed, but He provided a way for me to skip the usual long process and get help. And that day I left the foodshelf with enough food to last me for 2 months because I had never been there before and was child-bearing age. I did meet with the social worker the next day and, for about a year, I was able to get help with food stamps and cash assistance. It was a HUGE blessing for sure! When I think of not looking to the proud, I avoid mirrors. Haha! Lots of times, that means getting myself out of the way!
"to those who turn aside to false gods" . . . Okay, so we don't have a lot in our culture that fits what was going on in the Bible-times. However, I think we have gotten more sophisticated with our false gods. What's the first thing you do when you wake up? If the answer has anything to do with a piece of technology being needed I think there's a potential false god. What about Tuesdays at 7pm? Do you go to the Small Group you were invited to? Or do you have a series on tv that you HAVE TO WATCH? Potential idol (false god). Mine used to be food and boy did it derail a lot of what God had planned for my life.
This is my point: Trusting the Lord, not pride or false gods, is what God desires. It isn't easy to follow His will, but His will is the most blessed pathway we can walk on.
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods."
~ Psalm 40:4 ~
I've been thinking of this verse quite a bit because it's a memory verse in a Bible study I'm working through. I've decided it's also my SSMT August #2 verse as well. I feel like this verse really fits with all that's been going on in the recent days. Again, there's so much . . . good, stressful, and normal for life.
My car, Bennie, is the forefront of my thoughts. I guess I'm old-school in that I believe in owning a car and driving it until it can't drive anymore. The downside of course is the repairs, but to not have a huge payment is really nice. After twice having issues with my brake system in less than 1 month apart because my original mechanic did NOTHING but take my money, fix the leak, and put things back together though . . . I wasn't prepared yet for the latest diagnosis: "new rear struts." It really got me thinking....if the engine is good, I'm the 2nd owner in Bennie's life, and he's got decent miles for his age...what do ya do?!
Then, there's the Day DTS tuition. haha God's gotta miracle there to work out on His own. Where HE calls, HE provides. The end. Period.
Trusting in the Lord for practicals has been nothing uncommon for my life. When I went to college it was no different. God had a lot to work out for me to even be able to complete my financial aid process, but He did. Then, there was my car accident a few years ago where I nearly died and was discharged 3 days later. I got my first bill 10 days later and it was $45,000. What's really interesting is through that journey, that process, that lesson . . . I no longer freak out about finances like I used to. Pay day and dates bills are due used to be a huge source of major anxiety for me, mostly because I had no one as a young adult teaching me what to do. A lot of what I have learned has been trial and error mixed with Suze Orman because I love getting solid info from a woman! (Sorry Ramsey fans, I'm not on that bandwagon!) My sister has been a HUGE support and HUGE source of wisdom followed by my 2nd oldest big bro. It's nice to be able to reach out to them for practical wisdom and advice on what they think and compare it to what I'm thinking and what I'm discerning from God. By the way, that $45,000 hospital bill turned into me actually paying about $45 of my own money! God's so good!
Then, I read the next phrase "does not look to the proud." Well, now isn't that interesting?! I think about my life and lessons I've learned about relying on God for even my daily needs like food. There was a season when I lived in Bemidji and wasn't going to college, but was working. I was struggling with a lot of depression and PTSD struggles at the time, so working took LOTS of efforts. I was able to finally get a part-time job and worked as much as they'd let me--30 hours per week to avoid having to pay me any benefits. When that money proved to not be enough and I had no food, God and I had a serious chit chat. He told me, "Go to the food shelter. They'll help you. And in 3 days (Monday) go to the Human Services building and meet with them about assistance." What?! ME?! I'm a single adult, standing on my own two feet. I'm not one of "them!" (Ever said that to yourself?) God's response is, "Yes, you are one of them. You're a human on a very fixed income that's less than the current poverty level. So what? I think you're fabulous and I want to provide for you. Trust me." Well, this conversation was over until the next day. God repeated the same thing. And I'd like to say that was it, but Sunday at church came and we had the same conversation again--a third time. When God speaks repeatedly, even in the Bible or directly to you, I recommend listening. I decided on Monday, I would go to the Food Shelf (3 days later than I was told to by God) and go from there. I had never been to a Food Shelf before in my life, so I had to fill out a sheet of paper and meet with someone. I actually cried during the entire process. I remember the lady said, "Honey, I'm glad you came in. There's so many college students we know who don't come in. They don't think they qualify for help, but they do. Any person. Any need. This is what we do." Any person? Any need? I asked the lady, "Do you have advice for what to do about my situation?" She said, "Here's a card to a social worker. I'll email her your information today. Call her tomorrow after 1pm and tell her I sent you. She'll help you out." This is God at work. Not only did He have mercy on me being hard-headed, but He provided a way for me to skip the usual long process and get help. And that day I left the foodshelf with enough food to last me for 2 months because I had never been there before and was child-bearing age. I did meet with the social worker the next day and, for about a year, I was able to get help with food stamps and cash assistance. It was a HUGE blessing for sure! When I think of not looking to the proud, I avoid mirrors. Haha! Lots of times, that means getting myself out of the way!
"to those who turn aside to false gods" . . . Okay, so we don't have a lot in our culture that fits what was going on in the Bible-times. However, I think we have gotten more sophisticated with our false gods. What's the first thing you do when you wake up? If the answer has anything to do with a piece of technology being needed I think there's a potential false god. What about Tuesdays at 7pm? Do you go to the Small Group you were invited to? Or do you have a series on tv that you HAVE TO WATCH? Potential idol (false god). Mine used to be food and boy did it derail a lot of what God had planned for my life.
This is my point: Trusting the Lord, not pride or false gods, is what God desires. It isn't easy to follow His will, but His will is the most blessed pathway we can walk on.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Here I am Lord, Send Me
This month is flying by. I have spent time preparing myself for Day School to start and I am excited-nervous. You know, it really reminds me of how I'd feel going back to school as a student, which is hilarious to think back to.
One thing on my heart lately is where our focus will be on our outreach. They're doing things very differently this year and have chosen to focus on a certain people group all year. This means my domestic outreach will also focus on the same group that my overseas outreach will. They also gave us a choice of timing for the outreach and with 3 options, I chose my domestic week in the fall and my overseas outreach in the spring, but the spring outreach will be possibly up to 4 weeks long. I have never been overseas and would have never chosen this as my spot myself. I really see the hand and direction of God leading me. I feel like I can relate to Isaiah in a whole new level. God told him of this broken people, hurting so badly their hearts were stone. And God asks, "Whom shall I send?" I'm like a little kid, "ME!!!!!ME!!!!PICK ME!!!"
Here I am, Lord.
Is it I, Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
Amen.
This hymn I loved as a child. Now I treasure it as God calling me and preparing my heart for this year decades ago!
One thing on my heart lately is where our focus will be on our outreach. They're doing things very differently this year and have chosen to focus on a certain people group all year. This means my domestic outreach will also focus on the same group that my overseas outreach will. They also gave us a choice of timing for the outreach and with 3 options, I chose my domestic week in the fall and my overseas outreach in the spring, but the spring outreach will be possibly up to 4 weeks long. I have never been overseas and would have never chosen this as my spot myself. I really see the hand and direction of God leading me. I feel like I can relate to Isaiah in a whole new level. God told him of this broken people, hurting so badly their hearts were stone. And God asks, "Whom shall I send?" I'm like a little kid, "ME!!!!!ME!!!!PICK ME!!!"
Here I am, Lord.
Is it I, Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
Amen.
This hymn I loved as a child. Now I treasure it as God calling me and preparing my heart for this year decades ago!
Friday, July 31, 2015
July: A month of surprises
Well, if you were waiting for a nail biter post, THIS IS IT! Curious why I haven't posted much in July??? Here's the lo-down....
June 20 - July 10: I was sick, horribly with stomach cramps, bathroom duties, and couldn't sleep without sitting up in my roommate's recliner! I visited the ER twice, had an abdominal CT Scan, had an upper endoscopy, and a sleep study done alone with tons of blood work. The results are: I have no ulcers, my hiatal hernia is gone, my spleen was inflamed for 2 weeks, I have moderate obstructive sleep apnea, and my Vitamin D level was 10 (aka extremely LOW). Along with my heart having neurocardiogenic syncope, I had to make a decision to switch jobs to something LESS stressful as a lot of the stress was contributing to my health issues my doctor thought.
July 10-20: I was still not 100%, but went back to work at the hospital only to be unable to STAND or WALK the next day. The jury is still out on the reason, except that I probably had physical exhaustion from the stress, maybe. SO I continued in my job search and was interviewed with a group home company based out of Nebraska!
July 20-31: I have been working at the group home company since 20th! I LOVE it! I am blessed to work with 3 gals in the apartment in downtown Waco. I have switched to evenings because of the nature of the job, which is perfect for me and my lifestyle and my "nightowl" brain.
As of July 30th, I have been accepted to the Day Discipleship Training School at my church, which will change lots of stuff for the course of the next school year. I couldn't be MORE excited!
If you would like to have information sent to you on my mission trips this Fall 2015 and Spring 2016, please go to www.postable.com/emilyardolf and enter your information to my online address book. It is safe and secure, only I will see the information and it will only be used to contact you about my trips!
Throughout this month, as I look back to all the twists and turns, there's been one theme God's shown me:
WHERE GOD CALLS, GOD PROVIDES. I ONLY NEED TO TRUST IN HIM.
Amen.
June 20 - July 10: I was sick, horribly with stomach cramps, bathroom duties, and couldn't sleep without sitting up in my roommate's recliner! I visited the ER twice, had an abdominal CT Scan, had an upper endoscopy, and a sleep study done alone with tons of blood work. The results are: I have no ulcers, my hiatal hernia is gone, my spleen was inflamed for 2 weeks, I have moderate obstructive sleep apnea, and my Vitamin D level was 10 (aka extremely LOW). Along with my heart having neurocardiogenic syncope, I had to make a decision to switch jobs to something LESS stressful as a lot of the stress was contributing to my health issues my doctor thought.
July 10-20: I was still not 100%, but went back to work at the hospital only to be unable to STAND or WALK the next day. The jury is still out on the reason, except that I probably had physical exhaustion from the stress, maybe. SO I continued in my job search and was interviewed with a group home company based out of Nebraska!
July 20-31: I have been working at the group home company since 20th! I LOVE it! I am blessed to work with 3 gals in the apartment in downtown Waco. I have switched to evenings because of the nature of the job, which is perfect for me and my lifestyle and my "nightowl" brain.
As of July 30th, I have been accepted to the Day Discipleship Training School at my church, which will change lots of stuff for the course of the next school year. I couldn't be MORE excited!
If you would like to have information sent to you on my mission trips this Fall 2015 and Spring 2016, please go to www.postable.com/emilyardolf and enter your information to my online address book. It is safe and secure, only I will see the information and it will only be used to contact you about my trips!
Throughout this month, as I look back to all the twists and turns, there's been one theme God's shown me:
WHERE GOD CALLS, GOD PROVIDES. I ONLY NEED TO TRUST IN HIM.
Amen.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Through It All . . .
There's a lot of times in our lives where we don't know what to expect. I am in the midst of one of those moments right now. My health isn't the greatest, finances could be stronger, and really it is hard to lose my focus. It can be so easy for us to doubt . . . Doubt in God's plan for our future, even if it's only revealed in a small amount. . . .Doubt in God's providence, His provision . . . Doubt in His strength and authority. There's something greater to learn in these moments of life: God is over all, still has authority to move mountains, and the winds and seas still obey Him. Nothing happens in life He doesn't know about.
Maybe for you this isn't comforting to know. Maybe you feel exposed, or angry to know this. For me, it's beautiful. Every bad thing . . . He knows, He has a plan, He is conquering it for me. I can let go and trust He has what's best for me. It takes your faith to a whole new level every time you have to surrender and let go. It's a beautiful release when your grip is opened and you watch what He will do.
There's a song by Bethel Music that's my theme song right now . . . It is beautifully written. Please listen.
Can you say that deep within your soul? "Through it all, it is well with me." The power of God is in those words, so much so that I can't NOT say it---I have to say it, DAILY. Amen.
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