It's All Just a Dream . . . Until You Do Something

I really enjoy writing. It's something my 5th grade english teacher, Mrs. Mancell pointed out to my parents regularly at conferences. It's also something she pointed out when I was in my senior year of high school. I always thought it'd be awesome to write a novel one day, a children's book series, a devotional book series, and maybe even a screenplay/movie of my love life journey---it's hilariously sad and very dramatic comedy. I haven't ever said much to anyone about these secret writing ideas....ever.

The other day I was praying and God stirred up the dreams I had about writing and illustrating my own children's book series. From there my thoughts went to this book I have had in my mind for over 10 years that I only have the title and outline to. Recently, a couple devotional book ideas have made their way into my brain as well. It's amazing how whenever you dream, thoughts of inadequacy follow you. Not just me, but all people in some way have to come to grips with this.

[Example of thoughts: I just reread my two paragraphs I wrote above. I have intentional typos, an intentional writing style while blogging which is something I enjoy doing because it reads more conversational. I have a few close friends who are english snobs, who most likely are very annoyed at this style. My thought was, "What if so and so read this and immediately says, 'I can't read her blog without pain--what is she THINKING?! WRITING A BOOK! Everyone thinks they can do THAT!' " **haha** It's funny how even talking about it in my blog, I have thoughts against DOING it.]

This book writing dream of mine I have had since I was in elementary school. I never told Mrs. Mancell, who would have encouraged it so much. Only God knew and, suddenly, He stirs the pot in my brain to bring the dream to a boil again. Dreams are just a dream if you do nothing. I mean, decades I've dreamt these dreams and just never once consider of doing anything about them. This is my point . . . if God's dreams for me are HIGHER, then perhaps I'm supposed to do something, anything. So today I am writing a few outlines and maybe making a table of contents for a couple of books. I am also gonna do some sketches and develop some characters for the children' book series I have been plotting in my head. Maybe nothing will never come of them, but I won't know until I do something today.

When Are You Coming Back?

Recently, I have been asked this question a lot. I thought I'd share specifics on that subject.

The short answer is, maybe never. If I'm truly honest, my intention when I came to Texas was to start this crazy journey God was calling me on. Returning to Minnesota to live is, most likely not in the plans. Visits I hope do come, but I may have to wait for a bit before such things happen.

I start Night Discipleship Training School August 17th. Then, I go on a missions trip in May/June 2016 with my classmates. After this, I have no idea for sure right now what I'm doing. My prayer is whether or not to continue on in Church Plant Training School to be sent out by Antioch Church somewhere in the USA or abroad. I'm currently leaning towards this, but seeking the Lord in this still until I have to make a for sure decision.

Today, I set up a Go Fund me Page for those interested in supporting me early on in this process, as I grow and develop the skills needed to be a better servant of the Lord. www.gofundme.com/uxg3u4

I want to make my heart clear in that I want to share Christ with those who don't know Him. I want to share His Redeeming Love with those who have never felt a life-changing love. I want to be used by God to restore women's lives especially, but not exclusively. Maybe that's here in the USA, maybe it's not. My prayer right now is that God would direct me and put on my heart a clarification as to where I would go....beyond "restoring women's lives" and into a pinpointed place of "these women, over there, hurting, and broken." Whenever I see a map of the world, I get a little nauseous lately because I am truly praying to God, "I will go anywhere you want me to." The likelihood He's gonna send me back to where I have come from isn't high, but isn't that just like God? He doesn't call us out, grow us up, and strengthen us to send us backwards. No. He sends us forwards, to places we could never imagine. At this point in my life, I'm saying....."Lord, here I am. Send me." It's as exciting as it is terrifying. It's a peaceful as it is unsettling. For once in my life I am seeking His will above my own, above any other human's, and it is freeing.

The question I'm asking isn't "When am I going back?" It is: "Where am I going NEXT?"

I'm Not Brave

This is a more serious post....one coming from the depths of my heart....warning...

Like this title states....I am truly not brave. 90% of my days are full of fears and anxieties. There's a lot of times I fail at fighting them too....sometimes it's easier to hide in my bed, sleeping it away. Other times, I fake it til I make it. Once in awhile I find a solution and totally squash the fear, those times are extremely rare.

I have heard, "You're so brave," multiple times when people talk about me moving to Texas from Minnesota alone. Most often, it is once they learn I packed up everything that could fit into my car and went alone--husband-less even. I guess it makes me smile to think to some it's like I'm doing the Oregon Trail all alone. I can assure you, I am not brave.

When I need to step up and be brave, I am very much like most in the world of women--I argue with myself and squish that brave urge down. A recent example is when I was shopping at the grocery store today and I saw a mom with her kids and felt compelled based on her facial expressions to pray over her. I quickly argued that praying for her from  afar was the same thing. I was obedient to my urge to pray for her, but not brave in the action. Anyone can pray FOR someone, but to pray OVER someone in a grocery store no less . . . That's bravery.

Bugs. Some are cute, most are terrible heart attack producing creatures that also show off my high first soprano gifting. Heights....I get weak in the knees. Speaking, even if I love talking...I sweat buckets! Singing solos, while I can do it....I shake the entire time. Leading worship on worship team . . . Comes naturally to me, but not without nausea until the very last song is sung. I am not brave.

My comfort zone consists of a bed, air conditioning, clothes, and a fuzzy blanket in my mind. The bed symbolizes rest and refreshnent. Air conditioning symbolizes breathable air around me and all the comforts of electricity. Clothing symbolizes the lack of vulnerability....which is born out of trust. For me, trust is accomplished if  you  can climb over a huge brick wall, lined with barbed wire, and armed with an army to reinforce it. The fuzzy blanket symbolizes security and safety and having that feeling everything will be ok. In my comfort zone, I am not brave . . . Far from it.

Yet, I have the secret to bravery. The key to unlocking it into my life, which so many long to have . . . JESUS. He told me to go to Texas. I argued . . . Boy did I argue! I thought of many reasons not to, not just the lack of snow. I was excitingly terrified at the answers God gave to each argument. I eventually left Minnesota, not once looking back in my rear view mirror. I had to only look ahead because I was so afraid that I knew turning around would be much easier. I was so scared I couldn't even bring myself to pack in a timely manner. Definitely not brave....but Jesus makes me brave.

In my obedience, I step out in bravery and that changes everything. I am brave because He is in me not because of my own abilities.

A song God recently but on my heart says it all.......

I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made

Read more: Bethel Music - You Make Me Brave Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Giant Crickets & Mosquito Hawks

I have a certain roomie whom I believe God handpicked for me. Where I am crazy, frustrated, or confused Carol is calm, peacemaking, and brings clarity into any situation. There's been quite a few times when she has educated me in the ins and outs of Texas, especially when it comes to the insects.

My first night here, I stared in awe at the world's largest mosquito. I couldn't believe it! It was the size of a half dollar and I about died. She responded to my enthusiasm with a smirk, a calm and quiet voice and said matter-of-factly, "That's a mosquito hawk." I had never heard of such a thing in my life!! Apparently, they grow large, look like giant mosquitos, and--amazingly enough--THEY EAT MOSQUITOS!!!! This explains why I have only seen one mosquito since I have moved Texas.

Tonight, I am wide awake and can't seem to sleep. After prayin and counting didn't work, I went to the bathroom. There I was face to face with the largest cockroach I had seen in my life!!! I froze and tried not to scream bloody murder. I gently woke up my awesome roomie, Carol, and shared our unwanted guest being discovered. Carol gets up, grabs a shoe, walks in and kills the nasty bug. As she comes back into our bedroom she says, "You might want to mentally prepare yourself for cricket season." In my defense crickets are so tiny in Minnesota, they never leave the "cute fun bug" stage.

I am thankful for the calm, steady friend I have been blessed with. We have had a few awesome conversations that have proven to be eye opening. It has been so great to talk to another gal who understands random fears, but who can calmly become grounded in God again. We have had a few laughs too, even if they are 1 am when we can't sleep. As I navigate this very foreign land of Texss, I am thankful God had a hand at bringing Carol into my life.

Authentic Worship.

I call out You...
He don't listen. He don't care. He don't want to know what ya gotta say.

I silently form words in my head only You can hear....
Yeah. That's right. Stay quiet. Telling him anything is a waste.

I stand with my arms stretched outward impulsively...
Why are you standing like that?! Do you really think posture matters?

Words come out from my mouth, forming a melody....
WHAT A HORRIBLE SOUND! You have no talent at all.

My hands are raised upwards now, towards the sky above me...
No. No. NO! Why are you wasting your time?

My body feels the rhythm now, my classic sway begins...
Focus on the technical aspects. You really can't dance!

My voice utters a single name repeatedly...
NOOOOOO! NOT THAT NAME!!!

I claim my authority with confidence and conviction....
[SILENCE IS HEARD]

"My heart will sing.... No other name.....Jesus.....Jesus!"

New Church. New Town. New Community.

Since I moved down with the intention of attending a discipleship training school in the fall, I knew which church God was calling me to attend right away. There's been some cultural differences at my new church which have been pretty funny. I also am experiencing funny differences in other areas in the town of Waco. I thought I would share a few by way of dialect differences from the north to the south. Please know I mean no harm or stereotyping.

YOUNG ADULT:
Minnesota definition--- noun, person who is 18, in college, and single..Hey! Would you like to come to my young adult small group?! We are all 18-20s and love to chill!!
Texas definition--- noun, person who is 20-30s...Hey! We have a young adult worship night the first Tuesday of every moth!! You should come.

Funny story. I wasn't going to go because I was thinking I was too old. What's real funny is my church has a college ministry AND young adults ministry and I was so bummed I couldn't go to either until my roommate cleared the confusion up for me!

PEN:
Minnesota pronunciation--pəəən...noun, something you write with
Texas pronunciation--p-inn (2 syllables)...noun, something you write with

Funny Story. While working assisting a nurse with a dressing change, she asked for a pen, but is Texan so how she said it I thought she meant pin, something pokey. The look on my face as I asked her why on earth she needed a pin was hilarious I guess. I was picked on all day by my nurses!

PORCH:
Minnesota definition: noun, place in which you go to retrieve items in the winter that you want to chill quickly but doubles as a relaxing space or additional eating area when it is not winter that us typically enclosed with screens and or windows
Texas definition: noun, place just outside your front or backdoor that doubles as another living room area and comes complete with at least 2-3 ceiling fans and some form of lighting in the ceiling

Funny Story. My new life group friend hosted a BBQ at his home. When I arrived he said, "Hey! I'm hoping we'll all mostly eat on the porch since it is so nice out." Not saying anything, I looked around for a potential porch location, not finding one I waited quietly for a lead from another person. After getting nothing, I turned to the gal I had just met and said, "Hey! I think I'd love to go sit on the porch! Will you join me?" After she said yes to my offer I said, "Great! I will follow you!" I love the Texas porch so much better than the Minnesota version!!

These are just a few cultural things I have been experiencing. I have 5-10 daily. It is all mostly hilarious and makes me laugh. The accent down here is so challenging, it really sounds like a whole other language!!!

The Rainy Season

"You have to have rain in order for rainbows to come."

I read this quote on facebook the other day. It is perfect for my life the past three weeks. I have been bringing a lot of things to the Lord and our convo has gone like this...

ME: Lord, it has been so hot. I get you called me here, but can't you make it colder for me? I believe you can do ANYTHING, so can't you do this?

GOD: (pats me gently on the head) I could make this region colder for you but then it would destroy a lot of the ecosystem I have created in this region. Would that really be fair?

ME: Well I guess not God.

GOD: When I created it all and saw that it was good, I was happy and thrilled to share this world with you one day. Do you not think it is good?

ME: Lord, I am sorry. Forgive me for my selfishness. It is so good and beautiful..so much more than the dead of winter turning to Spring. I just am not adjusting well. It is a HUGE change!

GOD: (envelopes me in a hug) I know it is and I knew it would be, but you know this is only a season, right?

ME: (laughs) Well, yes, I know the heat is just a season, but it is so drastically different than Minnesota.

GOD: No, you don't understand. Remember your complaint of not having a social life last week, your tears shed over feeling alone yesterday, or even this lamenting about the heat today??

ME: Yes, Father, I remember those.

GOD: Well, these things are all a part of this season. It is only temporary. You are making friends and meeting people all the time. You will feel alone, but I am always here for you to turn to and fill that void. And eventually, you will visit Minnesota and wonder how you ever survived a winter there!! Do you not trust me and my plans for you?

ME: OH, LORD! Yes! I DO!

GOD: Then, stand firm knowing I have prepared you for all seasons--good, bad, trying, or thriving. I saw it all and I know what's best.

ME: Okay, Lord, I will.

This constant reminder and patience I have been given from God has gotten me through this hump. I really think the reality of my move didn't hit me until 3 weeks ago when I put the AC on in early March for the first time in my whole life!! I am thankful to grow in these challenges and know God has a greater plan than I could ever imagine. Every rainbow is a promise of His faithfulness! Only rain will bring a rainbow, so my tears and sweat falling like rain will one day show a beautiful image of God's faithfulness to me.