the Truth

Little girl, so innocent and naive...

Her body hijacked for years,

Murdered by a man before she ever fully existed...

Silent for years, her voice cast away as a distant memory...

...with each encounter her worth became void, her value morphed into an ever-rising price.

a young girl...10-11-12-13-14-15... ...she spent years fighting her way free from a man who was supposed to be frail, highly esteemed, honored, and trustworthy...

Everybody loved him...family, work, church, community...

No body knew his secret acts, his overpowering control, his evil eyes when she told him no...

No one else heard the threats of harm, or felt the fears the darkness brought every night...

She learned to hide the encounters, cover the evidence, and how to be silent...

While he hunted for his opportunities, she crumbled inside...

Attempts to be undesirable failed...hair cuts, masculine, weight gain... no matter what, she remained his grade A choice steak...taken raw with no sides or sauce every chance he had.

She hid herself away in the darkness... Grasping for protection and safety, but even full bottles of pain killers wouldn’t remove her from the prison he held her in...no matter all the times she tried...

in the end, light reveals the darkness...

Truth shined bright even though every adult tried to dim it, mute it, and even deny it...

...vindicated when trial was suggested and encouraged, “We would win. You’d get a decent sum...”

...she couldn’t live off of “whore money”...always feeling like she was fucked with each transaction...no charges were filed at her choice, her insistence....

...family, hungry for details they never got created lies to destroy her: ...she dressed for it...she threw herself at him...she wanted his money...even he defended his actions “anything we did, she wanted and liked every minute”....this was his final statement to the police...

...there’s no deeper rejection than from blood and no greater pain to feel when the very people meant to protect you, discard you away as though you were dead instead.

Volcanic anger destroyed her trust, her heart, her life, and any person she intersected with for years. Until one day, she woke up and decided there had to be something more...

Done hiding for protection, only to destroy herself more....

...he had taken enough from her....stolen her life, made her an orphan, destroyed her mind, robbed her power, and muted her voice...

Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes of the life before...

She rose again...fighting back like she would every time he’d try to get on top of her...

...she started uncovering the lies she believed with every action...

Her body didn’t betray her.

She didn’t ask for it.

There wasn’t a cosmic flaw within her to cause him to switch from a loving family member into a monster.

She didn’t deserve to be blamed.

She should have been believed and protected, but instead was tossed aside while he was elevated.

The truth cost her family...but healing reimbursed her with a tribe that always has her back.
The pain, hurt, and rejection fed...HOPE...HEALING...RESILIENCY. The volcano of anger went dormant...and in its place being calm and level has won out.
After decades of words shredding her value and worth...she made a vow...her words would never destroy...her words would never shred...her words would never bruise...

Setting out to break the cycle she was born into, separated from the two used to create her very existence....

....she rose high above the hell she was living in....morphing...transforming into who she was meant to be all along...She took back her power that was buried with him in his grave...

And now she stands...fully alive.

Little girl never more...

She is an empowered woman with a strength that is relentless.



Emma Leigh

4/2021

my experience of child abuse and overcoming it in adulthood.

shared in honor of child abuse awareness month

7 Years

Thanksgiving 2020 marks seven years binge-free. I remember when I started treatment for binge eating disorder, trying to imagine my life without a binge. One of my first questions my therapist and dietician asked me was, "What causes your binges?" I would get so annoyed with this question because binging was so automatic. Most of the time I wouldn't realize I had I had one until I had trash all around me. My eating disorder started at the age of 10 and I was 32 when I started treatment, so we're talkin 22 years straight of binge eating disorder. It was as automatic as taking a breath. I recall driving home after my group session one night and thinking what it would be like to not have to deal with my eating disorder. I remember thinking if I could get to seven years, there would be a shift in my mind. Now, here we are!

I used to eat to numb, but also stopped caring about what I ate intentionally to not look attractive, feminine, or fit the cultural standards of beauty. I thought if I gained weight, my sexual abuse that started at the same time as my eating disorder would stop. Instead, it went on for five years and numbing with food proved to be my secret weapon of survival. When I would binge, my anxiety would stop. If I had intense emotions that were too hard to process, I could eat to oblivian and have a food coma. If I had emotions of any kind, food was attached to them. There was not a single moment in my day where I wasn't obsessing about my next binge, food anxieties, and food scarcity. My thoughts were consumed with food and that created a lot of distraction and became hard to focus.

Treatment taught me how to feel and process emotions. It also gave me the ability to cope with life without having to numb. One of the realities of treatment I didn't like was being told my eating disorder would never be healed, a relapse was for certain, and I would never be able to try to lose weight so I had to accept my body and love it. Whenever I would push back at this, I was met with declarations of a relapse so intense it could land be back in treatment, but this time as an inpatient program. I finished treatment determined to prove them wrong and not be a statistic. Here I am seven years later with no relapses and about 90 pounds lighter!

I feel like seven years is huge. Seven means completion and perfection in biblical terms. While I feel this year truly is a shift for my mind, I am not ignorant to the fact I still have quirky food related struggles I have to constantly be aware of. I can eat faster than anyone, so I have to be conscious at every meal to slow down, keep pace with those around me, and savor my food. I have a tendancy to want to eat food when I feel something, so I always ask myself before I get something to eat what my hunger signals are. If I can't feel even one hunger signal, I wait to eat. When I experience a big emotion, like anger, sadness, anxiety, or fear, I never allow myself to eat until I have fully processed that moment. This year with the pandemic, I learned growing up with a low-income and large family influenced a lot of food fears I didn't realize I had. I was at the grocery store shopping for my friends while I was their live-in nanny and the aisles were so empty, I literally started shaking and felt so confused. It wasn't until later that night in my journal did I realize I was triggered and afraid to not be able to eat a full meal. My thought was, "I need to binge while I can!" It was hard to fight that urge, but I knew it wouldn't serve me in the long run. I still have moments like this during the pandemic, where I slightly panic about food scarcity, but I no longer think binging would be the great solution.

I am so thankful to have gotten so far in my recovery. Every day is a choice to maintain my recovery, feel emotions as they come, and live a balanced life. A few months ago, a friend told me, "You are SO strong." It was the first time someone said that to me in reference to what I have overcome and that my being strong and resilient is attractive, drawing you in more as a friend. It was like an anchor moment for me, showing me the truth of who I am versus being flawed, damaged, and undesirable for any form of connection--from friendship to a committed relationship. I really am so strong and I can be so proud of that this year! I made it this far and I know there is no limit to what is possible!

Resisting the Hard Season

Every fall, it's like clock work. At the start of October, I feel a shift within me. I realized the trend in therapy once after telling my therapist, Salley, that I feel like October comes with a dark shadow that effects me in a deeply physical way and it doesn't leave until February. This was the session I learned about body memories and how trauma survivors have physical memories within their body that can effect them for life. It was so eye-opening and affirming to know this was not me just being depressed, but actually my body releasing and processing some deep pain. It's been about 5 years since I learned about body memories and this is the first year that feels markably different.

Nothing magical really happened, except I started honoring my body. There are things I started incorporating regularly . . . exercising more than just walking at work, incorporating self-care routines to my days/weeks like face washes, bath nights, and hydration--it's amazing how physically cleansing drinking enough water can be for the mind and the body. Music has been incredibly helpful. I love to find songs that validate the struggle, but also are empowering and cross all genres. I find journaling to help a lot to get my thoughts out and to process them. I also take the time to honor how my body feels. For example, if I am tense I will do stretches and try to discover the reason for the tension. If I am struggling emotionally, I will honor my emotions and cope with them appropriately, and sit in the emotions instead of run from them, shove them away, or numb them like I used to. All this can sound very obvious to the average person, but when it comes to a trauma survivor the remainder of your life is spent learning how to process all the emotions, memories, and pain while functioning in a successful way. It's hard and, some days, I fail at it.

Last week, I realized that this has been 24 years since the first hard fall started. I wrote about it in a couple posts, "The Hard Season" and "The Cure for the Hard Season". This post is very much a part 3 on the subject. It surprises me to think of being 15 and face so much rejection in the span of 3 months that it still physically effects you 24 years later. When I think of the effects that remain from the trauma, it's very easy for me to choose anger. In fact, for a solid 10 years I was an angry, raging victim. I was on a fast track towards bitterness and had no single drop of kindness within me---even to strangers. It is a time of my life I'm not proud of and I have worked so hard to no longer continue to be that person. Therapy works, folks! A huge part of the reason anger came in hard and fast was the simple fact that I received so much rejection where I should have had protection and someone coming to my defense. Instead, I was met with disbelief, blame, rejection, abandonment, and disownment. I was 15 and this one season shaped me and who I would become far more than all the years before it had. Knowing this now, as I work in an at-risk high school full of kids the same age I was, who have stories similar or worse to mine, makes me burn with anger. It's not fair for any survivor to be blamed and abadoned for what they went through. And here I am, looking back to my 15 year old self and I can't believe I made it through this season.

March of 1996, my abuse I endured for five years was getting intense and much more horrific. I had reached the conclusion that it wasn't going to stop, ease up, and was going to get worse. I remember promising myself that if it got worse, I would be better off dead and I would end my life before I would let certain things happen. I didn't know how else to protect myself and I didn't have anyone to tell because I knew I wouldn't be believed . . . I would be called a liar and blamed, which is exactly what happened 6 months later. Everything came to a head in September when a friend I told my secret to in a letter got mad at me. To get me back, she showed my letter to her mom who happened to work for the county and was a mandated reporter. By October, it was all out in the open throughout the family and, since my abuser was a highly esteemed and loved family member, I was the one booted. It was easier to believe he never did anything to me and call me a liar than to accept this could have happened. I understand now why my family members struggled to believe and found rejecting me to be the easiest solution, but at the time my world crashed down around me in ways I never imagined. Deep down, I always knew I would be blamed, or thought a liar, but I never knew that would mean having my entire paternal side and some immediate family members blatantly reject me permantently. I was literally told, "You're dead to us now." Here I am 24 years later, still wounded by it and still no change from family. If I'm honest, I wouldn't accept their change of heart now anyways. I already worked through forgiving them, releasing them, but how do you heal a crushed heart? It still deeply effects me and I don't think it will ever completely heal. The pain is less every year, but the heart still aches for what was lost.

I attempted suicide in March 1996. I attempted three times in one week because I was so determined that death was better. Then, I went to a youth group lock-in and met Jesus. It sounds so simple, but to know someone loved me no matter what mattered. I was a good, Catholic girl who thought of being a nun at some point, ok? Believing in God was easy. Understanding Jesus died to save me and redeem me was never taught at my Catholic churches really. Most of the homilies were about politics, current events, and basic information. I don't recall ever hearing an actual sermon like I do in church now. I also don't recall ever being told Jesus died for me, but I was always told He died for the world and somehow I was included, yet not in a personal sense. If it weren't for this encounter with God, I know I would not have made it through the first hard season. This was when I discovered prayer being straight from the heart, I didn't have to pray something someone else once did, or something I memorized. I did some of my best praying in the shower, naked and ugly crying through the heartache. I remember feeling like it was just me and God most days, which it truly was. The rest of my high school life, I had no family in my corner and everyone in my small town knew it; so many stepped up to fill in roles that I never knew I needed.

This year, as I think about all this now . . . I realize that not much has ever changed. I am no contact with my parents for over 2 years now and it's been the best decision I ever made. I have a tribe here in Waco that has been there for me in ways I never knew I needed. In fact, just dealing with a recent surgery, I had so many people step up to surround and help me. I accepted the offer of a meal train for people to bring me meals, which for someone with an eating disorder background can be incredibly hard. This is the first time I ever said yes to such an offer. It was such a blessing and so incredibly healing for me in so many ways. It also helped me realize how much love and support I have here now between my friends, my church family, and BSF. I had friends texting me non-stop and putting up with my freak-out moments the one day I nearly lost it waiting for pathology results to come back. Other friends facetimed me and visited. I'm so thankful because this year it's so different with the hard season.

I know the hard season is here, I feel it still within me. Instead, I am able to resist the effects of it. I still honor my body and emotions, taking time to process them when I have to. I just know I don't have to give it 6 months of my year anymore. I don't have to feel it all so deeply that I am unable to thrive. I don't have to physically lay in bed because of the tension in my body. I don't have to sleep in because of the flashback nightmares that woke me up all night. And I don't have to eat away how I feel so that I am numb and able to function in the world. Instead, I feel the tension rising in my body and I do the stretches and trigger point rubs. I burst into tears this morning because I felt so much overwhelming stuff in the last couple of days and I didn't know what to do except cry. Once I realized I was angry and scared, I dealt with them head on also. This is one example of how I take the time to process my emotions, allowing them to take up a moment of my day and not half of my year. I don't need to borrow trouble from tomorrow today. Remembering this has helped the fears tremendously! I also don't need to choose anger anymore. So much of what happened to me in the past was unjust, wrong, and horrible but it doesn't help to stay focused on how unfair life is. Instead, I have chosen to forgive, release, and surrender...forgive those who need it, release them to God to deal with justly, and surrender my control and desire to make them suffer as deeply, or more than I did. A byproduct of choosing this path is I can now choose joy in place of the anger I once carried. It's not easy either! Some days I have to remind myself multiple times that anger is not where I want to be. Sometimes I have moments where it comes up and I have to rein it back in. Anger is not bad, but how you act within it, or how you deal with it is where bad actions can come. There's a fine line that can be very hard to navigate day to day, but I strive to find it and follow it.

Today I went on my nightly walk and remembered packing up to move to Waco. The only people supportive of this decision were my sister in Texas and my church friends. Everyone else told me a million reasons why this was the dumbest decision of my life, or would end up being a start of a horrible life. I know now they were panicked because they no longer could control me, or keep abusing me once I moved to Texas. It still took me 3 years to set boundaries that would stop this trend continuing. I was only able to do it because I was shown by God the love that surrounded me here in Texas. He also gave me my second momma, Lisa, whom I adore and love with my whole heart and has been such an amazing mother to me. Starting my Abraham Journey was the scariest thing I have ever done, but it was the best thing. I'm so thankful for the past 5.5 years here in Texas because they have brought out the most beautiful moments. As this year is #brave2020, I continue to move forward and choose brave. This year I refuse to let the hard season win. I will choose to be brave and still thrive during as time of year that brings about a lot of pain and heartache. I will choose to be kind and joyful, instead of partnering with anger for a season. And I will choose to live my best life because I know now living is worth every second you're given. I will continue to resist the hard season because I deserve more. . . more freedom and more thriving, living my best life.

#brave2020 . . . . . the last 100 days

Tomorrow starts the last 100 days of 2020, my year of 'brave'. I get to mark the milestone with a surgery for a lump I have had since I was a little girl. Only recently did it start rapidly growing and causing my thigh to ache. Normally, it would be just a simple procedure, but the imaging done on it shows it might be much more serious. After tomorrow, I wait two weeks for pathology to come back. It's funny to me how all my brave moments this year have combined my deepest fears with something I don't do well. In this case, my deepest fear is dying single, never meeting my person, and I also don't wait well. As a single woman, waiting has been a struggle historically. After some horrible relationships that included ending two engagements, I'm finally thriving in my single life and mostly content, but also hopeful for what is and could be blooming. Still, whenever I have a significant health concern, I'm reminded just how single I am. It also makes the thought of the next two weeks waiting a bit overwhelming. I'm thankful for my faith and the ability to trust God in moments like this, especially when so much is uncertain. Most of our lives are uncertain, so I'm thankful for the opportunity to focus on what truly matters in the next few weeks. It's a perfect launch to the last 100 days of 2020. When I think back to the beginning of the year, January was intense and a blur. After a critical, severe reaction to a medication that could have killed me, it took all of January and most of February to learn I was fully recovered with no other complications. Now here I am, 7 months later, at a point where my health is uncertain--never mind the in between months with a pandemic and all that goes with exposure, quarantining, and physical distancing! I join many folks who feel like 2020 has been incredibly challenging, unpredictable, and just plan hard AF. I'm excited for 2021, but I also feel that since this year isn't done, I can't count my chickens before they hatch. I still have 100 days to reach the goals I made in January. I still have 100 amazing days to face with highs and lows, laughter and tears, memory making moments, and life lessons. So. Here I am, in my coffee cup pajama shirt, sipping hot peppermint tea, and processing my thoughts and emotions with words. Today I only had two goals: get to the gym and write a blog entry. It's crazy! Years ago, I would be deep in a binge, self-isolating with so much anxiety. There's a lot of breakthrough and growth that has happened this year through my brave moments, even though they have been challenging. I finally have shed the deep lie of loneliness that has followed me since my last serious relationship ended. I have been able to maintain a weight loss of 85+, presently so close to 90 pounds lost--even during a pandemic! I have a network of close friends who have become so dear to my heart--including a super, chill roommate who is willing to get up early and take me to my surgery appointment (Anna, you're the best!). I have been able to overcome several areas of my insecurity, many of which had some deep roots. I have a lot of hope for the rest of the year, and beyond--where once I didn't think my life was worth living. The next 100 days are exciting to me. I don't want to miss what else is in store for 2020, even if it is hard. A beautiful diamond doesn't exist without intense pressure or tempture so I'm hopeful for how this year will continue to shape me, with God's help of course. Tomorrow I crack open my next devotional, "100 Days to Brave," and will finish this year stronger than I started it. Not sure I'll be a flawless diamond, but I'll settle for a unique diamond that's one of a kind.

#brave2020 Mid-Year

Every year, God gives me a word to guide me. I start the process after advent begins and the new year starts. This year, I really thought it would be something much more like "discipline," but He led me to brave. I had meant to write about it so much sooner, but I never came here to do so. And around the time I did, there was more and more unraveling in daily life that I was being challenged in. It's been six months with this word guiding me, and I had to record what God's been doing.

Last year my word was transform. Brave really has fit well to be a word following transformation. The goals I have made in January have been in a multitude of areas from standing in my true self, to goals for my future, and to continue to grow and transform. My worship song has been "You Make Me Brave" by Bethel Music. It's funny because worship has been a huge part of my year, continually being one way I feel connected, renewed, and stepping forward. My verse for the year has been Ephesians 6:10, "Be strong in the Lord and in His Mighty Power." These have all been guideposts along the journey this year, which has been so crazy.

In January, there was an end of a serving opportunity. I was surprised, but allowed God to work through this. I was shown that my yes in August was a reminder of my gifting and not to be complacent in using my gifts. I also stepped up instead of being asked to serve, which is totally opposite my personality. When this ended in January, I was confused at first and kept asking God why. And true to the way God speaks to me, He just smiled and reminded me that He has a perfect plan beyond I can imagine. There were also work struggles that happened in December that highlighted health struggles. I went to the doctor and was put on a medication that, a week later, landed me in the emergency room with a severe, potentially critical & fatal, allergic reaction. It was surprising because it was a medication I had taken previously decades ago and was a small dose. Every doctor I saw for the month of January from ER, primary, cardiologist, pharmacist and ob/gyn had the same response. It was shock, met with affirmation that if I hadn't gone to the ER and stopped the med immediately, I likely would have died, and I'm the healthiest I have ever been in my life now. I dealt with a season of anxiety that had me really calling out to God and battling for Truth to reign over my mind. It was part spiritual warfare and part biological response to the medications I was on, including the med I reacted to. During this time, I would step into brave with worship and praying in the Spirit because I didn't know what to say. God led me to start declaring, "At my lowest: God is my HOPE. At my darkest: God is my LIGHT. At my weakest: God is my STRENGTH. At my saddest: God is my COMFORTER. I also started taking the time to cultivate rest and what that looks like. For me, this connected to working on creating weekly. Creating regularly helps me to self-care and feel a renewal of energy. I've been thankful for this reminder that has been helping my year.

In February, God showed me the deepest form of His love by sending me snow. My roommate and I ran outside in our pajamas and acted like kids for a solid 30 minutes! I made the smallest snowman of my life, but it was a snowman and it brought me so much joy! I made plans to visit friends from my hometown this summer. This trip to Fairmont, MN will be the first trip there since I moved in 2015! There's a lot of travel precautions and things, but I'm excited to see people I love and have been able to stay connected to since I moved. This was also the month that God led me to join Canadians in celebrating Family Day. God has brought me to my tribe, which is my family. It runs beyond blood and deep into souls I sojourn with because we choose to love one another and be connected deeper than blood. It also includes my sisters, which has been a gift as well. God also highlighted the need to love myself and be myself. This is one of my goals this year, so it was not surprising 2 months into #brave2020 that I was faced with embracing myself more and learning my identity in Christ. I also have been facing my inner mean girl, self-accusatory statements that align with Satan, and working on renewing my mind. This has been a challenge, but it's one I have been thankful for.

In March, just before the world pandemic, God reminded me to pay attention to the fruit of the Spirit and what I'm sowing in the Spirit, especially in the field of my mind & the field of my behavior. God also led me to cultivate gratitude daily, which I have been doing since Texas went into quarantine mode March 16. During the pandemic process, I am intentionally sharing these daily five gifts as Instagram stories. It has helped me not to forget that gratitude transcends the hard feelings and anchors us in the solid ground. I also got an undercut hairstyle, which is something I have always wanted to do well before it was okay for a woman to do without being thought of as less feminine, or rebellious. I have always had a more fluid approach in how I dressed when it came to my femininity. As a kid, I had a solid decade of being more tomboy with my style than feminine. In college, I slowly embraced the feminine side with the help of a shopping spree with my lawyer sister. She told me, “I want to treat you for your birthday to new clothes. My one requirement is someone other than you has to approve the outfit. Myself, the salesperson....whomever.” So I said yes, to my birthday present. The favorite outfit of mine was a floral and paisley top with ruffles and a plunge neckline that I paired with a khaki skirt with shorts sewn underneath it. Neither would have ever been my pick because of three things I avoided before this shopping trip: 1) I got boobs. And honestly, even a t-shirt can’t conceal them. However, until this day I thought I had to try to emasculate my physique for the sake of modesty and not over-exaggerating their already enormous appearance. 2) I have thick thighs and hate shaving my legs. It’s not because of poor hygiene. I am plus-size, my belly is in the way, and my thighs are all of 23 inches so it turns into an aerobic and stretch exercise combined with core strengthening so as to avoid a broken hip or cracked skull while having fallen in the shower. Could you imagine the sight of me naked on my flooded bathroom floor unable to move and telling the paramedics to help me finish shaving the other thigh?! God forbid you are unevenly shaved, even in an emergency! But I wore that outfit as much as possible and shaved my legs more than I ever did prior because I felt beautiful in that ensemble. I have never felt as beautiful in an outfit prior to this except for my flower girl dress I wore at age 5 for my brother Brian’s first wedding and my Junior Prom dress. I wasn’t against wearing dresses when the occasion demanded it, but I had been against flaunting my body just because it was easily seen to be feminine at a quick glance. Being part Mexican, I had boobs sooner than I knew what puberty was, thick thighs at birth, and curves everywhere else—plus-size or not. I hated my body from the beginning of puberty and started slowly hiding the feminine physique. A few months later, it all spiraled down further when becoming a child who was sexually abused. Once that started, I mistakenly blamed my body as enticing and causing this devilman to torture me for five years. By the time the five years ended, I had a full eating disorder that caused my weight to balloon. My highest weight was 395 pounds and even then, I was afraid my body would bring unsolicited, harmful men into my life. The desire to first get an undercut came when my first engagement ended. Josh was gay and used our relationship as a cover so that all his family and friends wouldn’t judge him. And all I heard was my body wasn’t enough for him to find me attractive. I started dreaming of shaving my hair, dyeing it purple, and buying a men’s tux at a men’s store simply because I have always wanted to. I love wearing pants and it would be really cool to be dressed for a special occasion and not have to shave my legs! I also had long, thick untamed curly hair I never knew what to do with until 2019. All this hair is HOT no matter the weather!!! This was early 2000s when all the Christian circles were very much endorsing the belief being a girl or woman meant you had to be as feminine as possible. Well, the tomboy in me since a young child has always found this very annoying and silly. I am me. I am a woman. Who cares what I wear day to day? Besides, what could be more modest than pants forever?! I mean, anyone in a high school choir or band could tell you how stressful a dress or skirt is. You have to stand or sit a certain way to maintain your modesty when on a stage. But if we all just wore pants, the performance would be so much better for the audience as well. They would be hearing music and not seeing people. The band, or the choir would be one just like our sounds. Well, I decided for #brave2020 to do something I always wanted to and get an undercut. It just turns out I have a friend who is a hairstylist and barber! I booked my first appointment at a men’s barbershop and got the undercut of my Pinterest dreams! I have since gone back for another 3 months later. This is the first hairstyle I have been able to afford keeping. Everything else was once a year! For Christmas, I am considering buying myself a nice pantsuit because, why the hell not?! I would rock it with my undercut I think!

In April, my two week nanny adventure morphed into 49 days and the entire month of April. Due to the pandemic my friends asked me to help them with childcare. It was a no-brainer and I moved in the first weekend of the quarantine order in Waco. I didn’t move out until the first week of May. All of April I was loving kids who were not mine and surrounded by the most loving family I have ever met. My friends were not perfect, I was not perfect, and the kids didn’t behave perfectly either but it truly was perfect. It was as perfect as my four years of life in Arkansas were growing up. In those four years, while dysfunction junction continued I had friends, soared in school, and was the happiest I remember ever being. God used this little family to show me I had closed my heart off to love in all forms—friends, community, romantically. I was only capable of existing. They have become some of my dearest friends I never knew I needed and for that I’m grateful!

In May, I returned to my apartment and focused on my goals for 2020. I read more books, found a workout I loved, and realized that my Abraham Journey also includes my healing journey. This is something I have kept separate from this blog because I didn’t know it was okay to share all of me one this report of running away with Jesus to Waco. Honestly, while still ironing out my next leg of this journey, I realized God brought me here to heal and to grow. Isn’t that life? Always growing, always healing, and always becoming the best version of ourselves? You can expect more entries going forward, many of which will include my healing journey experiences as much as my spiritual.

And now we are in June. June has been hard. I have had to set boundaries in relationships which feels more clunky than smooth. I have friends disappear, even ghosting me entirely. I tried Bumble only to be reminded by God after the worst date of all worst dates that I don’t do online dating for a reason. Then, I found the cancel button. I found the cancel button to folks who don’t accept me for who I am, the cancel button for those who judge me for being a Christian, and the cancel button for those who refuse to allow differences of opinion without hatred, judgmental actions and words. My friends list on Facebook is well under 300 again and my Instagram is full of happy people who don’t ignore the imploding USA headlines, but who don’t post attacking, projecting rants to others disguised as facts either. I have started the summer book reading challenge at the local library, which is something I never desired to do as a kid! I’m so excited to be able to read and get prizes for it! I am also getting ready to go on my first adult vacation. My vacation will be in Minnesota! One week in my hometown, one week in Bemidji, and one week in the Twin Cities—the trifecta of my life’s existence. I’m excited and thankful for the chance to visit my friends and not have any guilt for being an adult on vacation. There’s some specific #brave2020 things I will be doing while I’m there. They will have their own blog posts, so I will withhold them for now.

These first six months have been challenging. Yet I know for a fact I am nothing like the person I was on 12/31/2019. Before #brave2020, I was a whole other person. I am thankful for this year. I am thankful for the person I am becoming and I can’t wait to see who I am on December 31, 2020.

The Cure for the Hard Season: Forgiveness

My church completed a series called 40 Days of Breakthrough a few weeks ago. Honestly, I loved the fact that my church took time out of the year for us to make space for God to MOVE. Now there’s nothing magical about the process. They did encourage us to do the 5 Ps: Prayer, Promise, People, Personal Change, and Praise. Prayer meant praying unto the area you were seeking breakthrough in, but I also prayed before hand for guidance on what area. God was very clear that I needed to address the fear of rejection and abandonment. The Promise meant finding a promise from the Word to carry you through the 40 Days. My promise was Psalm 27:10, “Although my father and mother have abandoned me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child].” This is a verse from my life chapter and it really helped me when I felt a heightened sense of my fears during the 40 days. The people I relied on during the 40 days were the ladies in my discipleship group from my lifegroup, my mentor, and a couple of close friends. I made a point to update and share and also listen to their areas of breakthrough and prayed for them as well. This is important I think because you can get hung up on yourself and your focus can be too much on what you are dealing with, but lose sight of the body of Christ working together in this towards a breakthrough. I’m thankful my prayers helped my friends to receive breakthrough. The personal change I did was fasted from sweets for 14 days. I also daily worshiped and did some sort of quiet time with Jesus every day. For the worship, I went to encounter which is a worship night my church offers that is unscripted and totally guided by the Holy Spirit, spontaneous worship is pretty much a challenge for me if I’m honest. But I love the environment and atmosphere because I can easily connect with God and so I usually spend time completing a listening journal, which is writing down the dialogue back and forth from me and God when I pray. During the breakthrough, this time of encounter night was the revelation I needed! More on that later! Lastly, praise which is self-explanatory. But I will say, I praise God for the opportunity of a breakthrough, the promise of a breakthrough, and for who He was even if a breakthrough didn’t come during these 40 days. I knew I could still follow Him even if what I asked for never came.

I shared earlier in the last post about my hard season Sept-Feb every year. Well, this was the revelation God showed me at encounter: My hard season was directly linked to my fear of rejection and abandonment. Later during my Quiet time one day, God gave me a vision of me in a soybean field, cutting down weeds. But there was one huge and choking out the bean plants around it, so I realized I had to dig it out. I asked the Lord and He said, “There’s a bigger root issue you need to uproot and the breakthrough will come.” I couldn’t figure it out until I met with my mentor. When I explained it all, she was all, “I know what it is, but you’re not gonna like it.” I wanted to know as much as I didn’t want to know! But what she said was indeed the key to unlocking the breakthrough AND was the giant weed God told me to uproot so the breakthrough would come. Forgiveness.

I had forgiven a lot of my past and situations with folks. I had to in order to move forward in life. And in order to heal the pain of my traumatic past, forgiveness was necessary. My mentor told me to go back to the situation that caused my hard season, the time I was fully rejected by my family as a kid and disowned. And forgive every person involved. I spent time praying and asking God how, and I felt led to break it down on an individual basis using a guide my church made called “Tending your heart.” It’s a process of taking the situation, asking God what lies you believed, forgiving the person, asking forgiveness for the lies you believed, and asking God for a promise in exchange. Well, there were 13 people involved and they all had a connection to rejection & abandonment feelings. And as I forgave, 11 different lies were uncovered that I had believed since I was a kid!! Were are talking lies I believed for 28 years!

The time has come for me to, once again, embrace forgiveness. Many survivors deny the need for forgiveness, mostly because it's heavily misunderstood. It's often misunderstood because of what we misunderstand about God. According to the Bible, and my own personal encounters with God, He doesn't "forgive & forget" and He doesn't expect us to do so either. God is all-knowing as much as He is merciful and gracious. He calls us to be equally merciful and gracious while we have limited knowledge and understanding compared to Him. God forgives us "from the east is to the west," and "freely" because of Jesus. He no longer holds us to a weight of the sin, or the penalty it deserved because Jesus paid it. For us, we aren't charged to be Jesus to others, as Jesus alone can forgive deep wounds and bring a spiritual restoration. God does get to the place with us that, even though we have to reapproach Him for forgiveness, "He keeps no record of wrongs." He doesn't hold us accountable to what we did last year, or ten years ago. He holds us to today, this present moment, because before Him the past is the past. I believe He's all-knowing in that He knows my whole story, but when I face Him today He sees who I am today alone. This is what He requires of us as well. We need to be able to forgive the weight of what's deserved from the action someone else did.

When it comes to trauma, or abuse it feels like the abuser(s) get away with it. In my case, this has been the truth when you look at the laws in the USA during the time frame, as well as the old methods of the child welfare agencies who used to work more on family preservation than child protection, regardless of the welfare of the child. I felt for a long time I had every right to my anger, it was justifiable from a spiritual, moral, and humanitarian standard. However, I have learned that I can't just stay there in the place where I'm angry. Anger takes root to bitterness and bitterness creates a field of thistles and thorns for Satan to harvest. I was becoming mean, cruel, and unnecessarily harsh to others. In my twenties, I was putting up unhealthy boundaries and walls that didn't help me heal, but intensified the hurt I felt inside. When it comes to your trauma, believe me when I say it, you will NEVER forget. I have had it reappear as a factor in many places it shouldn't have to. There's times I have felt I already faced this layer of the onion and it has been chopped & sauteed in the fryer of healing, only to have it resurface in a new way. It can be so frustrating because it feels at times there's three steps backwards for every ten steps forward you take. Just because I remember it and have to work hard to heal daily doesn't mean that I'm unable to forgive, or shouldn't try to forgive. I forgive because I remember the pain and agony, along with all the hard work I went through to heal so I am the person I am today, in this moment. Just like back in my twenties, when I had to go back and forgive and release anger. God showed me I had to do this again to receive further breakthrough. If I don't forgive, my work is in vain because the hardened heart can't heal. This is where we are called to be like Christ in our forgiveness: to forget the offense in such a way that you no longer hold it against them, or seek to match it in equal pain. Just like God sees me every day, He knows my story and my life along with the failures and He chooses to see the blood of Christ over them and no longer hold them against me.

This blog post was first started in December and I have worked on it over the past week. It's funny looking back at it and see how much freedom remains 6 months later. Forgiveness was the cure and the way I received breakthrough over rejection and abandonment. The past 6 months have been HARD and that will come in further posts. However, I have been enveloped by the body of Christ. I have been placed in family, which is more than an earthly family. I have felt far from abandonment & rejection and I'm so thankful to God to be able to finish this post and have a record of what God has done! He's so faithful!

The Hard Season

There’s a time of year that is hard for me more than any other part and that is Sept-Feb. I have lots of reasons for this, but it mostly is because my life changed the most in this time period and I am still dealing with the after affects as an adult.

September was the month the “big secret” came out and exposed my abuser of 5 years. Since it was a family member, I was terrified and tried to hide it because I thought I would get into trouble. By October, I was disowned by my paternal side of the family. I was only 15 years old when one of my closest aunts told me to my face, “I don’t believe you. As far as I’m concerned, you’re dead to me and I want nothing to do with you.” And all other family closest to me said similar things. This was the beginning of being alone and rejected on every single holiday.

Thanksgiving was holiday my family celebrated by gathering together for a large meal. Aunts, uncles, cousins, my grandparents all in the paternal side, and my immediate family that still lived at home would gather together on this day. To suddenly have no where to go was a shock to my system and, as a kid, I filled in the blanks on the pieces missing. When I couldn’t understand why I was rejected by my extended family, I just heard the words they said and internalized them as an identity. From that moment I became a lot of things and hated was the best word that fit. What was even harder was when my own parents decided I wasn’t worth being with on the holiday either. Instead, they left me alone with a Banquet Turkey TV dinner. What I believed at this point was that I was not worth love and support, only rejection and abandonment. I remember vowing that if I ever had a child of my own, they would never know what this felt like, no matter what they did.

I grew up Catholic and in a very strict Diocese. At one point, I thought I would become a Nun, but that’s a different blog. My point is this upbringing started me seeking out my walk with God. My family went to mass on Christmas Eve at Midnight. We had a lot of traditions for Christmas and they all surrounded being together, presents, lots of food, and presents. The Santa present was the one thing you really wanted and was held back for Christmas Day. Sometimes we would also celebrate with the extended family as well. This was what we did when I was in high school. In December the exact same year of the September, October, and Thanksgiving I spoke up, it all changed. We no longer did presents as an immediate family on the holiday. Instead it was done sometime that week. We stopped going to Mass, so if I wanted to go I had to walk alone and go by myself. My parents, again, went to our extended family Christmas that I was not allowed to attend. Instead, my parents bought ham & cheese Oscar Meyer slices for me to make sandwiches with. With all these changes in December, I felt like my world had ended as I knew it just for telling the truth and of the nightmare I lived for 5 years. I decided to close off people and be a hermit. I decided that was better because if I couldn’t trust my own family to love and accept me, how could I trust anyone else. And while I loved to sing and cherished Christmas hymns and carols, they morphed into melodies of torture to my heart. Instead of remembering fondly a Christmas Eve mass at candlelight, I was fighting back tears unsuccessfully sitting alone as a 9th grader.

January and February were lost to trying to process what all happened the few months before. They were needed to be able to awaken to the Spring and the hope of a fresh perspective. They were used to help me redefine my life as an orphan, which is how I truly felt I had become especially since my maternal side of my family was miles and states away in California and we never did anything for any holiday with them. I found myself year after year hating the holidays and refusing to even decorate a Christmas tree.

Eventually, I have created my own traditions. I do 30 Days of Thankfulness in November to focus on what I do have and to be thankful in ALL things. I celebrate Advent in order to prepare my heart for Christmas and the coming Messiah. I usually will read a devotional, and light my Advent wreath each year. For Christmas Day celebration, I try to find something on Christmas Eve to go to that is a bit more traditional. I spend Dec 26-31 looking back on my year and preparing for the year to come. These traditions do not ever center around people, but deeply upon God and my faith journey because the holidays for me are less about the people I am with and more about the God Who has ALWAYS loved and accepted me.

Why am I writing this on a blog? Well, because I am nothing if not honest and vulnerable. The people who read this blog are people who know me personally, typically not strangers. And it seemed fitting because I am joining my church here in Waco on a series called “40 Days of Breakthrough” where we are each creating space for God to do a breakthrough in our lives.

One area of breakthrough I am contending for is the fear of rejection and abandonment. To learn the connection to this struggle dates back to 15 year old Emily means I have had this fear for 23 years! It was NOT an unjustifiable fear for me either! It was something that all ready played out with my relationships with blood family, the people who are to be the closest to you. It is no surprise then that this fear not only took root, but has been able to still be a strong fear in adulthood! The problem is it doesn’t serve me to cope with it by isolation, or lack of community like it once did. As I let go of those coping strategies that helped me make it through the worst days of my high school years, I was face to face with this fear still holding me back from what God had for me.

God promises us in 2 Timothy that He doesn’t give us a spirit of fear. He gives us LOVE, power, and self-discipline. As I realized this promise, I came face to face with a LOVE that welcomed me in and accepted me. In Isaiah 45, this same LOVE says that I am redeemed, called by my name, and God tells me sweetly, “You are MINE.” This hit me hard this week to realize the connection of my identity in Christ smashing this fear I had held onto for SO LONG. When I asked God to take this and give me something better, He sweetly, gently said, “I will gladly take this from you. And instead give you love and acceptance.” I can’t tell you the number of tears that I cried, but He collected everyone. And even though I know this wasn’t the end of the battle for this breakthrough, I made significant progress that I would not have ever made had I not allowed myself to finally “go there” and be open to changing a perspective and be open to this area of my heart to experience healing. God is faithful. Even the hard seasons have a purpose to connect you deeper to Him.

Not of This World

“Do not be conformed to this world (any longer with its superficial values and customs), but be transformed and progressively changed (as you mature spiritually) by the renewing of your mind (focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes), so that you may prove (for yourselves) what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect (in His plan and purpose for you).” ~ Romans 12:2 ~

It is hard for people to understand you when you do something different than they would. It is even harder for them to understand when you resist common cultural actions. People easily, freely judge you and come down on you as a result and this can make it incredibly hard. Yet, I have come to realize this eighth month of “Transform:2019,” every area I am different is worth enduring every ounce of criticism.

One area that is different is I refuse to ever have a car loan. No, I’m not scared of a loan. I just don’t want to borrow funds for something that doesn’t last. I also don’t believe in just impulsively committing to a huge financial obligation while my income is still so unpredictable. I have been judged a lot about this recently as my car’s transmission gave out a few weeks ago. Right now, I have no car. I travel by bus to work, have a small number of friends who are willing to bring me home, I can Lyft but I only do this when it is absolutely necessary or affordable, and otherwise I walk! The last time I was in this situation for for a year and a half. I was met with folks who offered to help, with offers to get me a loan through their bank, or to take me car shopping. It was very nice and very considerate. When I shared I didn’t want a loan, no one knew what to say. Why? It is countercultural in America to not have a car loan. I’m not judging others choices, but just comparing that my decision is rare in comparison. People run across me and do not know how to respond. Yet one thing is certain, I am not ashamed of this conviction.

I will only live where God beings me to and I will try hard to bloom where I am planted. God brought me to Waco, TX in 2015 and I believe it is proof He has a sense of humor!! He took a winter season, fall season lover and put her in the hottest part of the south. This past week has been miserable and I have felt so hot. I have had a couple friends suggest I should consider a move since I can’t seem to get used to it. And the thing is, I know I’m not to be here in Waco forever, but I also know my next place to live will be where God calls me. It isn’t about my wants, my preferences, or what I love. I go where He sends me, this is the life I lead.

I have come to believe that if I am annoyed with someone else, I have a problem that I need to address WITH MYSELF, not the other person. And this means when someone else wants to confront me for my annoying them, my typical response is usually, “Do you believe it is another person’s responsibility to deal with your emotional responses?”? Sometimes I am looked confused. Other times, people change the subject. We have come to be a very emotionally ignorant culture, which I once was and am still not perfect after eating disorder treatment, but I am much better! When I am annoyed, I believe it is time to stop and ask myself, “What do I assume is going through the other person’s mind?” “How is my stress level and how is it influencing my emotions when I interact with this person?” And “Am I being bothered or inconvenienced by the other person? If so, is it their intent and do they know they have their timing off? Could I be assuming the worst about them?” Usually, one of these questions hit me in the gut and help me realize where the struggle actually is, within myself. I don’t own other people’s attempts at deflecting responsibility for their emotional coping into me. However, I do massively hate being misunderstood and will feel like a failure of a person if someone tries to confront me and assume they know what I think or feel, which so far everyone has been wrong about. I care even if you’re asking me to carry something I know isn’t my load to bare. This can be a sticking point sometimes, but I have had a much richer experience with others when I don’t pick up what was never intended for me. The ones that do not understand it either ask and learn about this more so they can experience this freedom, or they get pushed off and write me off. If they write me off over this boundary, then I do not think they ever valued the relationship to begin with.

Choosing to go against the tide isn’t easy, but it is the best thing I have ever done.

6 Months of Transform

2019 has not been the easiest year. I am learning when God gives you a big word, He plans to work! My word is transform and He has transformed a lot of things.

My heart is changing in a lot of ways. For the past year I have worked hard to develop kindness as an attribute. It’s not been easy and I haven’t been kind daily, but I realize that the fruit of the Spirit are not just given to us. We have to take time to develop these traits and surrender the old ways. I am also realizing how I struggle with insecurity in general and it’s been at the core of my anxiety struggles. There’s not one area that I’m insecure in so much as a general sense of being insecure. I can recall moments where I made some really silly decisions because I was insecure. I can also recall moments of confidence and would like to see the day when those moments are greater than the insecure ones.

Recently, my anxiety has returned. This isn’t a huge surprise because the summer started when it returned. My anxiety seems to parallel seasons of transition and uncertainty. With the summer starting, there’s no concrete hours of work since I work for the school district and get to have summers off. I do not do well without a schedule or routine, so I am noticing my anxiety showing up. I was talking about this with a friend recently and realized it isn’t so much a constant worry for me. Now that I have been in therapy and God has healed so much of my struggles, it’s not that I worry. It’s just a state of being. It’s just an emotion that doesn’t seem to want to go away, just silently present. My heart is learning what abiding in God is like. I don’t always do well with abiding because of how I process struggles.

As I focus on Transform, I have come to learn a few things about myself I never knew. First, when life is challenging, I pull away and go inward. For example, today is Father’s Day and it’s a mixed bag for me. I have a lot of struggle with this day since I am no longer in contact with my parents. I didn’t want to go to church and hear a sermon all about it, so I stayed home. Later, I went on my Sabbath date with Abba, God. I watched a YouTube video about the father heart of God and was reminded of some truths. Now, after a day of solitude, I just might be able to reach out to a couple friends and hang out this week. It is not my first instinct to reach out to anyone because I have always been a party of one. Even growing up, in some of the hardest days, there wasn’t anyone in my corner. Now that I have some great friends, community of life group, and have folks I could call, I still think I have to go it alone.

I have also learned that I love to help others. When I do not do this, I feel like my life is wasting away. As dark as that sounds, it is the only way I can describe the feeling. I started noticing this late last year, so I began praying about it off and on. Then, out of time praying, I decided the easiest thing to do is to start serving at church again. With my sensory struggles previously, I quit serving and have periodically worked very part-time with kids ministry. I wasn’t sure I could handle it yet, but I am happy to report that there has been tremendous healing in ways I had been told would never improve. By serving consistently, I am realizing a sense of purpose I had missed in a long time. I love knowing families are being strengthened in their spiritual journey because I am loving on their 2 year olds!

Perhaps the biggest transformation in my life is that I am no longer in therapy. The process has been in the works around the holidays, but finally came to an end this May. I would be lying if I said I was happy and excited about it. I think this is another part of the transition that brought my subtle anxiety back. I’m scared to process alone, or that what I feel is too much. Being an empath, you feel so much and you carry on so much that isn’t your’s to carry. God has shown me that He is the best Counselor and I need to spend more time abiding in Him and less time trying to process my imperfect life perfectly. The truth is, I am light years away from my first counseling session and God used every session to heal me, but He will also continue to heal me while I abide in Him and seek Him. Still, it has been an adjustment.

Lastly, my last post alluded to false labels being placed on me by others. It has been six months and God continues to remind me that people are not able to define us, only God Can. I am so thankful to learn this and to have reminders to focus on my Identity in Christ and who He says I am. No one can discount what God sees in me. A group of friends and I are going over “Victory Over Darkness” by Neil Anderson this summer. It has been a great review for me in this season of finally stepping out of turning to people for my value and identity.

In many ways, this year I have reminded myself of junior high girls I love dearly, with their awkward responses, silly concerns, and identity crisis, that I have felt a bit surprised at being 37 and just now coming to an awareness of things. It also hasn’t been easy to write about and it has been deeply personal. I haven’t shared here because I haven’t had the words. Only a handful of people even know the specific, deeply tender things this post alludes to. Those people are dear friends who have held space to me when my own family has rejected me, or caused me to have to have strict boundaries. As I navigate this, it has been an interesting stretching and observations of my tendency to also pull away from God. I don’t pull away out of fear, but out of my heartaches. So this has also been a time of relearning how to cast all of my cares upon Him.

I am thankful to see the word transform mark me. Transform spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. This year has been all that and a side of toast!

My Name Is

My name is Emily, but as I write here I use my pen name Emma Leigh. There's so much power in that name for me that I would actually love to change my name to it one day. There's plenty of other names and labels I have been given over the years. Annoying baby sister seems to somehow still be the default of all my siblings, or even baby sister--never mind the fact I am presently 37 years old. I know all youngest children in the world would love to actually been seen as an adult by their older siblings, so just a nod to you all--the struggle is REAL. Another is unchurched kid, which I heavily was labeled at the first youth group I attended, so much so that when I was chosen to be on the student leadership team all the churched kids were shocked. There was a lot of awkward questions during those days that the churched kids were shocked I asked, "Movies have ratings? What does that mean?" "Wait a minute Pastor, I'm in the table of contents trying to find the page number to the book you just said!!" One I will never forget asking, "How is sucks or stupid a swear word exactly?" Those were the days. However, when I came back from a few years of college I was still the unchurched kid, but also the college drop-out. Any hopes of serving, or being seen differently went out the window. As a result, I had to find a different church to attend.

Now in my thirties, I find there's a list of labels from others I can't seem to shake. Some are ones that people pin on me based on their assumptions. Recently, this has happened a lot. I was told I was a contrarian just because I hold drastically different opinions of the person that said it, apparently my intent in their view is to thrive on being difficult. I have been told I am a liar, when the fact is I never said what I was accused of, nor did I do what I was accused of. I really could go on, but what's the point? My point is less what I'm being labeled and more the fact that I am being labeled by others.

What's really sad about this is that my top love languages are tied: touch and words of affirmation. The struggle with words of affirmation as your top love language is the negative, insulting words of others become next to impossible to shake. They become toxic to you in deep ways compared to affirming words. For me, they become hard to let go of, deeply damaging, and make me reweigh the relationship all together. I end up getting frustrated, hurt, and almost critically wounded by some--especially ones that attack my character in some way, and especially if they come from someone who doesn't really know me on a personal level.

Recently, during my quiet time I started journaling out one recent situation with someone. As I wrote out the details, I found the root of the issue: I'm being mislabeled, misnamed, and essentially unknown despite my best efforts to connect with folks. As I realized this, I prayed and asked God about the source of the issue. In all the situations, I am being sized up and either identified by my past, or being disliked. So long as you hate something, or someone, your view of it/them is tainted. Take for example peas, which I have hated since I was a toddler. My mother would tell me stories of how great an eater I was except peas, and the faces I would make. I have tried them as an adult and I still hate them. In fact, I hate them so much that I pick them out to the side instead of suffering through a bite. This is how it is with people mislabeling me, they've already reached a conclusion and can't even stand a bite, so they toss me aside and slap a label on me that justifies their opinion. This was a huge revelation because when you're being judged, you don't stand a chance to be a friend, a sister, a daughter, or a valuable youth group member.

My name is . . . when we start talking about our identity, we often get it wrapped around what others say we are, what others think we are, or what we do; mom, wife, teacher, friend, etc. This isn't necessarily bad except that a day may come when you're no longer "doing" that, or "being" that role and you'll have an identity crisis. This is often the case of empty nest mom's. For years, they were mom and maybe made the kids their world. Now that ALL have left the nest, they don't know who they are, or what they should do because they let what they were doing define their identity. When we let others label us, we will find a crisis of identity when who we are truly clashes with what people claim. This is an unsettling tension that can create unnecessary guilt, especially if you're letting the labels in from people who don't truly know you, or care to know you, hold instead of who you truly are, that others who know your well claim. Much like someone hating you and never letting go of why they hate you, you can try your whole life to prove yourself to them, but unless they let go of their hate and bitterness, you do not stand a chance.

After all of this realization and revelation, my next thought was, "What can I do about it?" It is really normal in our human nature to want to defend ourselves, explain or actions or thought process, and try to get someone to see a little bit of the truth. However, we can't control other people and we are just creating more dysfunction if we try. I have learned to step back from people who constantly mislabel me and only choose to see me in a negative light. Yes, it bothers me greatly they see me the way they do. I have decided it is worse for me to play their song and dance of dysfunction than let them believe how they will about me. To go a step further, I have also decided God will defend me better than I can, so why bother trying? Instead, I look at what they are not saying. By constantly having a negative opinion of me, constantly pointing out my flaws, or being the first to criticize what I say they are actually proving they really don't like me and do not want a relationship with me. Therefore, I step back. I refuse to throw myself on someone for a friendship, biological family relationship, or otherwise if they only want to see me negatively. I'm not saying I do not have my faults, or that at one point I was not the annoying baby sister, but to still be seen in that way or only seen by my faults is not fair. It is also not healthy.

One of the hardest things I have had to work through over the years is forgiveness. In my early twenties, I went through a season of deep, justifiable anger. I was angry at everything and everyone because I didn't know what I was truly feeling. Anger is a secondary emotion, which means another emotion is at its core. For me, anger comes out most often if I'm feeling dysfunction, victimization, or being unjustifiably accused. In my twenties, ALL of that was going on and I was so angry that I couldn't even see it objectively. I was the meanest person and I hated it. I would say and do things that I can't even believe I said or did today. I had to learn how to deal with anger, how to deal with situations and people that are out of my control, and how to accept I do not have to be everyone's friend.

I have this deep desire to just be liked and a friend by everyone I meet. This means that it's rather shocking sometimes when I learn I'm simply not everyone's cup of tea, some prefer only coffee. It also means, I went through a hard season learning that people pleasing is not the answer. Instead, focusing on having a pure heart and making sure God's opinion is the only one Who truly matters. For me, this is accomplished when I take the time to explain the situation, see the root issue, and then ask, "What can I do about it?" Some may default to "Nothing," but I don't agree with that being an option. I believe we can always do something.

In cases where the normal response is, "You can't do anything," I have a few things I do. First, I commit to pray for the person. To be honest, the recent situations with people are less than a handful, but for me even one is too many. This isn't a huge commitment, I just include them on my daily list as long as the situation bothers me. Whenever the situation or person comes to mind and I'm tempted to have false guilt, or feel bad, I pray. I will pray for their heart to soften and for them to be accepting of others.

Another thing I do is asked God, "What is my role here?" 99% of the time, He says, "Step back and give them space." I don't tell them I'm stepping back, I just do it. I wait for them to contact me when they decide to contact me. I respond when they do graciously and lovingly also, which is the third step: Choose to not hold a grudge.

I refuse to let anger make a foothold in my life anymore. I'm not angry with any of the small number of people I've dealt with recently, or the old youth group kids I was dealing with. If anything I'm saddened. I'm saddened by the lens they see through and I'm saddened I can't have a deeper relationship with them. I do not hold a grudge because I don't see them with eyes of offense, but eyes of who they are and who they could become. You see, no one is perfect. I have a lot of flaws . . . I don't trust easily, I don't always have a good balance of listening or talking, I avoid conflict like the black plague and shut down or run away to hide from it, and I really suck at laughing quietly no matter how hard I try. The thing is, a true friend or someone who is in a healthy relationship with you will see you for you are at your core, beyond your flaws. If someone only sees your flaws, the relationship is massively dysfunctional. When someone hurts me, I feel it but then I have a choice with how I want to handle it. In that choice, I refuse to let anger rule and reign within me because it only destroys the person being angry. Did you catch that? Let me say it again: Anger destroys the person who is angry, NOT the person you are angry with. I refuse to destroy myself.

One other thing I do is honor their boundary. The person does not like me. I'm super bummed for sure, maybe even cried a little bit, or a lot. It's okay to feel the pain or loss connected to the relationship, no matter how close it was or wasn't. I would say, the closer you were, the deeper the loss and you probably have a grieving process you need to do. This is healthy humans being human. I have learned though, it's not necessary for me to go to them and demand to know why they feel a certain way, or defend yourself. It doesn't end well and it doesn't help the situation. They don't like me, so it's probably best for both of us for me to move on. Again, I don't tell them I'm moving on because I don't think it's necessary. It also could be that I'm an INFJ, which means we don't burn bridges, we just stop crossing them and maintaining them so they become structurally deficient and disappear over time. As funny as that meme is, it's really true! I just think that the biggest reason for this is by honoring their boundary, we can both move on to better places and surround ourselves with our tribe. Not everyone will be in your tribe, so you can let go of those who are not when you realize this.

Lastly, and maybe the most important step, I remind myself of Who God says I am.

In Christ, my name is Accepted.
I am God's child. (Jn 1:12)
I am Christ's friend. (Jn 15:15)
I have been justified. (Rm 5:1)
I am united with the Lord and one with Him in spirit. (1 Cor 6:17)
I have been bought with a price, I belong to God. (1 Cor 6:20)
I am a member of Christ's body. (1 Cor 12:27)
I am a saint. (Eph 1:1)
I have been adopted as God's child. (Eph 1:5)
I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit. (Eph 2:18)
I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. (Col 1:14)
I am complete in Christ. (Col 2:10)
In Christ, my name is Secure.
I am free forever of condemnation. (Rom 8:1-2)
I am assured that all things work together for good. (Rom 8:28)
I am free from any condemning charges against me. (Rom 8:33-34)
I cannot be separated from the love of God. (Rom 8:35)
I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God. (2 Cor 1:21)
I am hidden with Christ in God. (Col 3:3)
I am confident that the good work God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil 1:6)
I am a citizen of heaven.(Phil 3:20)
I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. (2 Tim 1:7)
I can find grace and mercy in time of need. (Heb 4:16)
I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me. (1 Jn 5:18)
In Christ, my name is Significant.
I am the salt of the earth. (Matt 5:13-14)
I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of His life. (Jn 15:1-5)
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. (Jn 15:16)
I am a personal witness of Christ's. (Acts 1:8)
I am God's temple. (1 Cor 3:16)
I am a minister of reconciliation. (2 Cor 5:17-20)
I am God's coworker. (2 Cor 6:1)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm. (Eph 2:6)
I am God's workmanship. (Eph 2:10)
I may approach God with freedom and confidence. (Eph 3:12)
I can do all through through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)

You see, at the end of the day, my name is whatever God says it is. When all that truly matters is Him, then it frees you to be able to accept that another human being may not like you. It also makes it better for you to move on easily, instead of stumbling into sin, or becoming entrapped in dysfunction.

Before I end, a random thought came to me, "When do you apologize?" If I get the intuitive vibe that someone is upset with me, I have a decision to make. The common response for most people is what I call, over-apologizing. You see, just because there's some sort of friction does not mean I have to own it. In fact, just because I got offended, hurt, annoyed, frustrated, etc by someone doesn't mean they did anything wrong. 99% of the time, things like this are because of my own heart issues. So I take time and ask God, "What do you say about it? Search me and reveal my heart to me, Lord." If I'm shown there's an issue in my heart, then I can't expect another person to apologize. In fact, maybe I need to be apologizing to God for being so quick to be offended! Things like being annoyed or frustrated with someone is not anyone else's fault but your own. Why are you annoyed by them? What's the sticking point for you in your heart of hearts? You need to deal with that! You don't have to go apologize because something is array.

You could ask the person, "Is there something wrong?" This could be a 50/50 shot of going really badly, or really great. For one, the person could get even more angry because you have no clue they have hated you all their life and you are clueless. On the other side, may be they have wanted to talk to you but they don't have words and your olive branch is what they needed. I really don't do this unless there's been proof the relationship is far from dysfunctional and I'm not being mislabeled offensively. If they are mislabeling me in a deeply offensive way, I don't think it helps to approach them at all. On the other hand, if they've never done this before and start acting strangely, I will go to them and ask, "Is everything okay? Do we need to talk?" There's still a risk here and you just have decided what's best for the relationship overall.

I apologize when God reveals to me I did something wrong, I have accidentally offended someone by my words or actions, and I knowingly did something wrong. I refuse to apologize any other time because it is not my cross to bear, it's the other person's. They also may not need to apologize to me, I mean if it truly is simply that they don't like me, it would be silly to expect an apology for that, right?! "I'm sorry I don't like you, Lucy." "It's okay, Marsha. I forgive you for having your own personal preferences. Good luck in life." Just because there's hurt, pain, sadness, or even conflict in a relationship doesn't mean there's an offense that needs to be dealt with. I would argue, the root of a lot of major mental illnesses is the constant struggle with finding offense and blaming others for everything, and taking no ownership for yourself. This behavior is even identified in several personality disorders, especially borderline personality disorder where the person will love their friend to the point of obsessiveness and drop them like a hot biscuit and despise them deeply at the slightest negative feeling they perceive the friend caused. It's actually much more healthy to own your offenses when you're aware of them, or confronted with them and nothing more. While learning when to apologize isn't easy, the critical component needs to exist: repentance.

It's one thing to say, "I'm sorry for hurting you." It's a whole other thing to actually stop hurting someone. It's another thing to say, "I can't stand her, but I'm going to see her with God's eyes--as valuable and something to offer the world." It's a whole other thing to say, "She's always so annoying," in your head the entire time you're around her. At the end of the day, there's nothing worse then a band-aid apology with no evidence that you genuinely will change your perspective, or your behavior. If you can't back up your apology to God or a person with a change in your behavior (repentance), then I would argue to not waste your time until you can. If this is the situation, you likely have some unforgiveness, bitterness, jealousy, or anger to deal with within yourself and that is not anyone else's issue but your own.

At the end of the day, when I ended my journal entry, I went back to my life chapter: Psalm 27. It's a perfect reminder for me of Who matters and that I have nothing else to be afraid of.

My name is Loved, Fearless, and Beloved.

Goodbye, 2018 ..... Hello, 2019!

2018 was a year. In many ways it was tough and in many ways it was amazing. Some highlights each month follow:

January: I received my very first FULL paycheck since September 2017 when I had to quit my job shortly after starting it and leaving a previous job. This job was me stepping out in faith and it was clear I wasn’t capable of doing it so I was forced to leave. It took awhile to get paid with my new job mostly because I was a temp in my permanent role so it didn’t pay a full amount. Thankfully, insurance started and I was also able to seek much needed medical treatment as I had some serious things going on. Two ER visits, a specialist, a ultrasound, CT Scan, and MRI were all done. My specialist had a diagnosis and dropped the “possible cancer” phrase and we made a pre-op for a week later.

February: I saw the specialist and had surgery with biopsies. There was a lot of fear and stress, and a lot of health issues. I was freakishly at peace never doubting God was in control. Trust was my word for 2018 and Trust was what I did. No matter what outcome, God was still GOOD and TRUSTWORTHY, so I had nothing to fear.

March: After my surgery and biopsies, my results were rushed because my doctor was concerned. Eventually, I was told it was negative and no cancer or abnormalities present. The week of surgery, my church had a corporate prayer and fasting. I felt like I spiritually HAD TO GO to each worship night, even though physically I could barely walk and was in a lot of pain. The first night, someone had a word that people were effected by cancer and God would heal them. I was only one of 5 people to raise their hand for prayer and 3 of us were waiting for results. The next day a friend I had not seen in awhile felt the need to pray for me and prayed for healing. The final night at the celebration, roughly 6 people prayed for me. 2 of them I knew, but the other 4 just came up to me and said, “I feel the need to pray for healing over you. What’s going on?” Two days later I found out the results. Two weeks after that, my doctor said, “I have never been wrong. What I saw was not good and I can’t explain the results. I believe there was a miracle. And I have only ever seen two and each time, I am reminded a Higher Power has to exist.” I was able to explain to her about Jesus and the healing prayers I received that week.

April: After all the health concerns I was put on medication and told to come back in a year. As a result, I decided to heed God’s call to go to Peru on my first international missions trip. I began fundraising and by the end of April, I had my funds and a couple friends who sent me money directly to cover personal/travel/souvenir costs while there.

May: My health continued to greatly improve and this was the first month I felt good since October 2017. Not 100%, but I could tell things were turning the corner. I continued to Trust God for my trip to Peru. I also moved out of my apartment and had to rehome my beloved cat, Vivienne. Not having Vivi continues to be an adjustment and sometimes hard. I was able to focus on preparing for Peru and it really was exciting.

June: My trip to Peru was incredible. God did so much and healed so much in my heart. He also taught me about leadership. I learned that, as a leader, I want to equip, support, and encourage as much as possible. I also learned the importance of a leader remaining humble and teachable, as well as a team player and not controlling, or believe I know whatever I need to. God also healed parts of my heart that were so damaged, I never realized it until I came back. I also finally decided to go no contact with my parents after so much abuse my whole life. This decision has been encouraged by every single therapist I have seen in adulthood and was a decision that took 10 years to finally conclude it was the best to do.

July: I came back from Peru massively ill. I had a bacterial respiratory infection and a bacterial gastroenteritis infection as well. It took an entire month to feel myself and strong again. I also found out I was anemic after all my health scares. Again, I had to TRUST God for my health. I also turned 37! This year of 37 has shown more white hairs than I ever imagined and more progress forward on my health/healing journey. I had to buy a new wardrobe because things started not fitting and falling off!

August: I had some opportunities to advocate for myself in ways that would normally terrify me. Instead, I pressed into the fears and was my own advocate. The outcomes in all situations worked for my favor and helped me to move forward.

September: I had a lot of fun with friends, church activities, and various connections with others. I was able to enjoy my town and have me time be a regular thing I do. I also challenged myself to not hermit as an introvert and it helped tremendously!

October: I was able to Trust God with the challenging season ahead and the holiday pit I usually experience. I was able to make goals, guidelines, and boundaries surrounding each holiday. I also was able to plan ways to celebrate each holiday in my own way.

November: In spite of a horrible Thanksgiving experience, I used it as a data set and adjusted Christmas plans and my future holiday plans in general. I also embraced thankfulness and found so many reasons to be thankful regardless of my feelings. It was a powerful experience. I also identified boundaries with certain relationships that needed to be made and since placing them, my life has been much more peaceful and stress-free.

December: I had a beautiful Advent time and was able to lead my online group in celebrating Advent. When it came to Christmas, I was blessed by gifts I not only needed, but never expected receiving. A pair of dress shoes brought a level of healing I didn’t expect. A lavender warmzie has helped me sleep. And 5 new mugs make me remember I am seen. Christmas was in my terms and was a beautiful time celebrating the birth of my Savior, which is the most important thing to me. I also spent a lot of time preparing for the next year.

2019 is here. My word for the year is TRANSFORM. There’s huge promises God has for me in the 2019 and one is to be transformed physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I believe God gave me 2 Corinthians 3:17-18, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty [emancipation from bondage, true freedom]. And we all, with unveiled faces, continually seeing as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are progressively being transformed into His image from [one degree of] glory to [even more] glory, which comes from the Lord, [who is] the Spirit.” He will continue to transform me from glory to glory and a deeper freedom! There’s goals within this that I find personal and will not share with many. There’s financial goals, college goals, spiritual growth goals, and healing goals. I’m excited for the word “transform” to guide my year. I am excited for what all God will do in my life.

The Hard Seasons Bring the Best Lessons

September through February are the hardest months for me. This year I felt it a couple of weeks ago when I felt anxiety just being there. Some days it never amounts to anything, but other days it keeps me up at night. One form of anxiety I have always struggled with is social anxiety. This time of year is notorious for social life and creates a lot of moments of social anxiety within me.

It is interesting this year how I see God meeting me within these moments as though He is my Father who understands and tenderly loves me. He has met me in ways that are opposite what many say about anxiety as a Christian. I have had a lot of well-meaning conversations with others who are quick to rebuke me, anoint me with oil, or cast Satan out of me. Do I think anxiety is from God? No. Do I think I'm less of a Christian, or sinning because I struggle with anxiety? Absolutely not. I have a mental illness and anxiety is a bi-product of it. Can God heal me? Yes! In fact, He already has in so many ways! My anxiety is NOTHING like what it used to be and my medications are down to just one tiny little pill I either take half of or whole only when all my tools in my coping skills toolbox do not work. In many ways, I feel like I am like Paul with a thorn in my flesh and anxiety is kinda the thing that won't fully leave. Saying that doesn't mean I'm speaking it into my life forever and it doesn't mean I'm speaking power to Satan, but it does acknowledge the thousands of conversations God and I have had about it and all the prayers, along with the powerful work He has already done in me. For every day in a year, God's Word gives us about verse about fear. I believe that shows the loving Father God knew as humans we would be little bundles bent towards fear and worry, so He gave us one anchor for every day. Today I hold onto the anchor even while I stop to take a solid, deep breath because my anxiety is just there. This week it has hit me in the dark as I try to fall asleep. What has helped is essential oils, self care routines, worship music, prayer, and one night I had to take that tiny half of a pill. And you know what is funny? God has never been closer, never been more present, and easily I find a deep, intimate connection with Him. In a weird way, I'm thankful for this latest bout of my anxiety because it's pushing me closer to the One who matters.

Several days ago, my social anxiety kicked up a notch and I couldn't shake it. I started praying, "God what in the world?! How will I ever step into what you've called me to do if every time I interact with someone I am second guessing myself?!" Another lament, "Why does it matter so much in my head what happened and what went wrong Lord?! Take my thoughts before I even think them!" Then, I had this overwhelming urge to write. A poem came from this instead of a typical post so I copied it to Word because I wasn't sure I wanted to share it here. Then, the more I have been experiencing this, the more I feel like God is allowing this to bridge a cap between Christianity and psychology. You see, neither want to embrace the other, but both can't exist apart from the other. I believe my healing from PTSD, major depressive disorder, and binge eating disorder have only come from a faith that sees what God's revealed to amazing psychologists, psychiatrists, and the medicationists (new word ha!). My faith in God is stronger because in the darkest moments as I relied on psychology and connected to God and the Truths of His Word. In fact, my relationship with God started two days after a third suicide attempt. I attempted suicide on a Saturday, Sunday, and a Wednesday and that Friday (all in the SAME WEEK) I met Jesus. Every Christian psychologist I have seen cries when I share the whole story. Interestingly, some Christians tell me to NOT go there when I share the story, and for years I did shorten it and chop off the darkness so it was more palatable. Yet, God has shown me that I do not need to be ashamed of the fact that God used a mental illness to call me to Him. Today, I also feel no shame to share that I still struggle and I think God understands and meets me in that struggle in beautiful ways He would not be able to otherwise.

Will He take away my anxiety once and for all? Every day I pray He will. If there's ever an altar call, or a word of healing for it I reach out for His healing--even if it is just another layer of the anxiety onion to be cut off, diced, and fried in His holy fry pan! Layer by layer there is a beautiful aroma in the home of my heart that would not exist without His hand and holy chef's knife. Does Satan ever show up? Yep! Lately, in the dark because he loves darkness and he is lazy! Satan knows my deepest struggles have been in the darkness and so when I appear weak this time of year, he shows up every now and then. What I keep remembering is I overcome the darkness and still find enough hours to rest in Him. I awake in the morning with a reset where anxiety is plugged in an ready but not yet turned on. I have to be intentional to use my toolbox of coping skills throughout my day. I have to be purposeful with my self care and I have to be as connected to God as possible. This doesn't always mean reading His Word, but worship, conversation, listening to Him speak, or crying out to Him with a holy ugly cry (seriously). And once in a while, it means writing a raw, honest poem that is equal parts raw and revelation. Without further qualifications, here is that poem....

social anxiety

wide awake with the lights out, everything gets replayed now
rehearsing everything that I said, what should I-could I-shouldn’t have said
I plan ahead how convos could go: the worst, the good, and the unknown
before I go to that gathering, what could go wrong—I gotta be prepared
throughout my day I often fight tears and moments of uncertainty
why did they say that, where did I do wrong, how can I fix that, and how to get along
the words cut like a knife and they don’t have a clue
I tell myself often to let it go, the worst belief about it is rarely ever true
when you’re at your weakest point, you notice little things that feel like deep wounds:
people rally around someone and you’re left alone
people asking if you’re new here at a place where you’ve gone weekly for years
people being silent when you share a need
analyzing the reasons, the causes, and the slight avoidances
most think you don’t notice, but you notice even the slightest
a conversation went really wrong between us and now you don’t say hello when you see me
I couldn’t go to your party, so now you don’t even call me
you made an assumption and chose to confront me, but now that it’s clarified you still avoid me
someone told you something about me from their side and now you refuse to value me
I notice all the slightest and the biggest and the in between
can it be fixed, corrected, changed, or modified in some way
before work I need a pep talk just to have a good day
don’t be afraid to be myself, don’t expect to be included, don’t read into it, and don’t have regrets
faking confidence faking calmness faking peace
you gotta fake it til you make it and grow into your own
the reason I am even writing this gets me scared
callings would take me past this to beyond
where my heart, soul, mind, and strength are mended and again strong
leaders should be flawless
with every Truth proclaimed, lies have been sprayed
I sort them out day after day
when I finally am calm and asleep late at night
that is when I have awoken to see the light
nothing is as bad as I think it could be
no one is judging me greater than me
the root of the issue is fear:
to fail
to be all I am created to be
to be alone
to be misunderstood
to be less than what you would expect of me
to be unable to reflect you
yet in all this self-examining,
Truth is found in the darkness where the anxiety begins
And this is just one tale

Emma Leigh
October 2018

Lessons from Peru

Wow! It has taken me a little bit to really process what all God did in the two weeks I was in Peru. What I thought would happen going into this trip ended up only becoming 1/16 of what actually happened! I love how God surprises us! I am thankful that I had a tentative itinerary, even if 90% of it ended up being changed!

The daily schedule was much more involved than I anticipated. When we arrived, we prepped supplies for the clinics and we had our first clinic day on Saturday--the NEXT day. It was quite overwhelming for me. The first clinic day, I served in a medical clinic at a satellite location. We were in a home that a family let the church leaders use because they knew the church was making a huge impact with their community and, even though the family does not yet know the Lord. A church leader there told me that they are hopeful God will win them over. The home had no electricity, no running water, and the location would be the nicest satellite location we would go to for the two weeks. There were a lot of colds and parasites at this location. My role was to hand out medicines as the doctor ordered. It was a task that melted my heart, wishing I could do more and give medicines for a year instead of a month. The Peruvian people were so thankful, so loving, and were eager to hug us and give us the "holy kiss" on each cheek.

Sundays were full of Jesus, worship, and church. This is right up my alley since I typically go to Saturday church, Sat small group, Sunday church, Sunday School, and a life group Sunday nights. In Peru, it was kids Sunday School first, then lunch, then church, then supper, and then church again. It was amazing to see folks worshiping God using simplicity. I have felt for a long time the American church is going overboard with their worship. We have lighting, the best soundboard ever, lighting effects, ear buds to count the beat so musicians and vocalists have a less chance of miscounting/errors, the more instruments the better, and we also better have the best perfect sounding vocalists ever, with an added bonus if they look good when they are on video! In Peru, there were squealing microphones, volumes set to max, people singing loudly off key and off beat, gestures and dances and clapping, and the song leader was almost always the pastor who preached....and it was the most beautiful worship time I think I have ever been a part of. My eyes are tearing up as I remember and long for those moments again where it wasn't about the best technical worship, but about the best worship you could offer God.

The first week, the clinics were Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Our team had two clinic sites each day and we were split among them plus a small team that led ESL in the schools with the kids. On Mon, Tues, and Wed, I served on the optical team. I learned what righteous indignation was like in the optical team. Basically, we used an instrument to have an idea where the person's prescription landed, went to the box for that, and found the top three pairs closest to that and gave it a go. There were many times after 30 minutes we still couldn't find a pair. I recall many times praying and getting frustrated. Suddenly, I would try the numbers in positive instead of negative or just grab a pair in a totally different box and give the pair of classes to the Peruvian who instantly would shout in amazement, "PERFECTO!!!" These were the miracles. The hard cases would be the ones who were horrible blind and we only could give them something that was better than nothing. They couldn't see perfectly, but they could see better. When we would explain this was the best we had, they would smile ear to ear and place them on and yell, "PERFECTO!" These were the heart-crushing moments. On the third day, I was angry. Optical ticked me off if I'm honest. In America, I have many friends who own 3, 4, 5 pairs of glasses not counting sunglasses. I know of folks who have dropped $500-1000 on just one pair of glasses. Here you go in, say if one or two is better, pick a frame you like, pick a fancy lens, and you got glasses either the same day or in a week--maybe two. In Peru, what we could give them was glasses you wouldn't have even considered wearing because the styles were so outdated. And we could only get a little bit close or just improve it for them. Without us, they couldn't see anything. I got angry because this is unjust and it hurt my heart to not be able to give them the best, like I can get in America. I was angry because I felt guilt, shame, regret, and a deep compassion to do the best for them. I had to learn that I was doing that. We were doing the best we could in that moment with what we had in another country that was poor. The miracles made it easier. There were other miracles too. One day, we were really struggling with our lack of Spanish and the Peruvians were looking at us like we were talking Greek when we tried to say a Spanish word here or there. No one seemed to understand us well. Just before lunch, this young college guy came in and responded to a couple questions in Spanish. Then, I tried to explain what to do and in perfect english he tells me exactly what I was asking. We all stopped and cheered for his perfect english. I teased him that after lunch, he had to come back and help interpret for us. At lunch, I prayed to God for "supernatural Spanish abilities" so that we could be easily understood and things would go smoother. We go back into the area to start and the young man was back! He said he had a college class to get to, but when he got to class the professor had a note on the door it was cancelled. He rushed back to the clinic because he wanted to help us interpret! I told him, "You are my answer to prayer! You are my miracle and my supernatural spanish ability!!" He smiled and laughed. Over the two weeks I was there, this young man name Erickson became a great friend!

On Thurs & Fri as week one only team members left and week two only team members arrived, us two week team members were able to rest up and get some much needed regrouping time. We restocked supplies as they arrived. Some went on a boat ride to some famous cliffs in Peru. I stayed back and rested instead. We had clinics again Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday with church again on Sunday. The second week, I was able to serve on the ESL in the schools team. We taught two english songs to the kids in Pre-k through 6th grade. The kids were super adorable and loved the attention we gave them. They would often come up to me and practice their english, so I would practice my spanish. It was adorable to hear my silly sounding spanish and their sweet english. They were amazed at how old I was and the little kids would call me the spanish equivalent of "fat girl" almost in a chant with a huge smile. It's a different culture for sure and lucky for them, they were really cute kids. Working in the schools was just a half day, so after lunch we would go to a satellite location where a clinic was being held and help where we could. The second week, the satellite clinics were all new places a clinic has never been held and were extremely poor areas. One area was a town that was built on top of the dump, so there were giant mounds of trash all around, at least every block and the roads were dirt. Another area, the homes had just woven bamboo walls and a few had woven bamboo roofs, most had no roofs at all. Electricity was the most basic and the lights would be one lightbulb in the ceiling with a pull switch if they had electricity at all. Plumbing was rare and most of the sites we were at had a hole in the ground for the bathroom, or we were walked to a neighbor's house. There were large numbers of kids and the child to parent ratios were way off. One site we were told the parents were working up in the mountains (we were at the foothills of the Andes) and the older children took care of their younger siblings. One little boy told me he was 11 and that his parents work in the mountains for 3 weeks and are just home for 1 week. He has 5 siblings he takes care of and this was a week his parents were working. One day I helped hand out cheaters in the optical. Another day I did the photo ministry with the kids. And another day, a large group of us just played with the large number of kids in the street who gathered. The children needed an adult who paid attention to them and they soaked up the love we had to give them like sponges.

For me, each Sunday I was invited to a local Peruvian church member's home for lunch. The first Sunday, I ate lunch at Wilma's home. She is a single mom with a little boy and a little girl comes over as like an adopted daughter because her mom is sick. I learned later, Wilma is a leader of a the local church and works at one of the schools with pre-k kids as a teacher. She is a sweet lady and became a great friend of mine the two weeks I was there. One thing that was such a blessing to me was Wilma had a verse on the wall about trusting God in all things and that He would provide. It really hit me how similar she and I were, both trusting God's provision for our daily lives. We were no different as sisters-in-Christ, even if she new little english and I knew little spanish. Her love and acceptance was the balm in Gilead for my heart--more on that later. The second Sunday, I was invited to have lunch with a man named Omar and his family--a wife and 5 girls ages 13-5 months old. I learned later that my friend Sonia (a local church leader I met the first day at the first clinic who is biligual) is Omar's brother! And their father was a Pastor of a church we served in Chincha Baja! The church in Chincha Baja was my favorite church we visited because of Sonia's and Omar's Grandma! Grandma gave the BEST hugs and cooked the BEST food and every meal at the church, including the meal I was blessed with at Omar's house was Lomo Saltado, the best Peruvian dish EVER! (I am craving it now as I type this and I am determined to get the spices needed to make it in America!) Sonia and I were able to connect multiple times and share our testimonies as well. I was thankful for her friendship, which ultimately led to us staying in touch on facebook as well.

All together we served 8400 people in our clinics in two weeks. I can't begin to describe what the lines looked like. I can't express the emotions when we shut the clinics down and people were still in line, begging to be seen. I can't describe seeing people trying to raid the boxes in the optical area hoping any pair of random glasses they grabbed would do better than nothing. I can't describe the crowds of children who arrived for the Cup of Milk ministry. At two Cup of Milk sites, we had more children arrive than the church expected. We had to pull the buns of bread in half. Each time, I asked God to multiply the bread like He did in the Bible with the fish and loaves. Each time, we had enough after every child got one half to give seconds and even some to adults present. The milk was a fortified warm milk. This meal was quite possibly the only hot meal many of the children would have all week.

There were other blessings from God that happened. Midway through week one, I realized I had no clue what a banana tree looked like and thought it would be cool to see one up close. I even asked God, "I would love to get my picture taken with a banana tree!" A few days later, at one of the poorest sites we served across the street from the clinic site was a banana tree! The little boy with 5 siblings excitedly took my picture with the banana tree. Then, returned after our lunch break with a fresh banana from his family's banana tree and insisted that I ate it right away because, "I wanted to bless you with your favorite banana because you are my favorite American!" Sweet little boy has no idea what a blessing he was to me and how God used him at 11 years old to touch my life. Another treasure were my roommates who were total strangers the first night and later became close friends. Kiki and Janine still are friends that I see weekly at church and am so thankful for. God used them to encourage me on the hard days, bring laughter through tears, and taught me how to sleep through snoring and roosters calling all night long. (I snore too, at least in Peru.)

All of these happenings brought forth profound lessons while in Peru. Some lessons I knew, but needed them cemented into my being. Other lessons were brand new and necessary if I'm to serve in ministry full-time as I plan to. They are as follows:

1) Miracles are for today. The gifts of the Holy Spirit are real and legit. Prophesy is still active today because God still has a message of love to bring to the world. I saw miracles happen daily. I heard of other team members experience miracles. And there were words and visions God gave me before the trip that came to pass over the two weeks I was there.

2) God loves unconditionally. Since I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional home, I have not had a lot of experience with unconditional love. The idea of God's unconditional love for me was something I believed, but never really could fully comprehend deep within my heart. Remember the healing balm of Gilead I spoke of earlier? The Peruvian church members and people were the healing balm of Gilead to my heart. They demonstrated for me the best example of God's unconditional love any human being ever could. I had deep wounds in my heart that needed this healing balm so badly and I didn't even know it. Isn't like God to take me out of my comfort zone in USA, to a country I have never been with people I can't even freely talk the same language to, and heal my deepest wounds and show me His unconditional love?! Wow!

3) People are people and they ALL matter to God. When I returned after my data-less life of two weeks, America was a pathetic example to the world. Families were ripped apart in the name of immigration laws and rights of Americans. And my own family was experiencing a great turmoil that ultimately led to me going no contact permanently with my parents due to safety reasons. I remember sitting in the airport in Lima finding out everything and being so angry I had to come back, so angry this was all happening, and tears were just falling like rain. The poorest people in Peru and we were only able to touch 8,400 people. It's a very small number when you consider the population as a whole. However, each 8,400 people mattered to God as much as me and my fellow Americans. I returned back to the USA with a new resolve to not forget this, regardless of popular political opinions and whatever cultural Christianity may appear to expect of me. I answer to God first and foremost. And I also saw how I mattered to God and was finally able to do what I was encouraged to do in 2008 by my therapist and go no contact with my parents. It took me 10 years of trying to make some sort of relationship possible, only to realize I matter to God as well and do not have to accept abuse in my life.

4) Strangers are the hardest and the best to serve God with. When I arrived, I "knew of" only 5 people on our team and one was my pastor. Everyone else were total strangers. It was really challenging at first because I had never been before and so many were returning to Peru again, so it was a bit intimidating. I really struggled with feeling like I was alone. I decided the first day I felt this that this was an opportunity to connect deeply with God. I pressed in and ended up encountering God in ways I hadn't in a very long time. From seeing prayers answered immediately, miracles, words of encouragement I was able to give to several of the pastors, to a watchman awakening in the early hours of the morning one day were I was able to intercede for Peru and end up committing to praying for the nation daily that it would encounter a spiritual revival and have a miraculous prosperity happen so quickly the rest of the world becomes amazed, to being able to pray for healings for people, to seeing 20 people come forward for an altar call to accept Christ/recommit to Him, and hear about healings and the 8 people who accepted Christ at a clinic I was not at. As the weeks went on, I learned things about myself and I learned things about others. I went in expecting to connect with certain people who, in two weeks, I barely interacted with at all. Instead, God ignited friendships that I didn't expect with people I didn't expect. There were two teen girls from another church who sought me out. We were able to bond closely and I was able to answer some questions for them about life as a woman, adulthood life, and relationships with guys. At one point, one of the girls said, "You know, this week you have been more of a mother to us than our own mother ever has been." The other followed with, "Yeah, I am really glad we came. I needed you." There were challenges with personalities, which exists in every environment where people are. I learned we all have weaknesses and strengths and what's most important in the body of Christ is to accept each other where we are at, not think we are better than everyone else, and be Jesus with skin on even to our brothers and sisters in Christ.

I am so thankful I went to Peru. It is not a trip I will ever forget. The sinus infection, respiratory infection, and bacterial gastroenteritis I got afterwards was completely overshadowed by the lessons I received while there and the chance to meet some of the most loving and beautiful people in the world.